01/16/11: Lots of stuff

1. Last week was crazy busy at work.  Barely any time for reading and posting.  I feel like I have no idea what's going on with my peeps!  Not only was work crazy busy, after work life was crazy busy, too!  We had one of our dearest friends in town from NYC and were getting together each night after work.  Our only "off" night was the BCS championship game and one of another of our dearest friends went to Auburn so we had a gathering here to show her some support.  She opted to stay home, ironically, but her own mom was here...
2. I hope to start getting caught up on blogs this week.  Please know that I am still reading when I can.
3. I wound up donating most of the "big" clothes to Goodwill but have a few of my faves to share with the sisterhood.  That post will be coming this week, I hope.
4. So, speaking of sizes...so I did a post a bit ago about how Old Navy is saying I'm a size bigger (or two) than some of my more upscale brands, like Calvin Klein, Michael Kors, Nine West, etc.  'Member that?  Maybe you didn't read it - and that's ok...just a reminder to start the story.
5. Well.  I am done with Old Navy.  Just done.  Old Navy says I am a size 18 and sometimes a 16.
6. You know I've been griping about not wanting to sink money into clothes I won't get to wear out...right?  Yeah, reminder, two.
7. So I realized - why don't I hit Nordsrom Rack?  A little more upscale without exhorbitant prices.
8. So Friday night we did just that!
9. I don't need any pants right now.  But amidst trying on a gazillion shirts and blouses, I grabbed four pairs of pants just to see.  Four pairs of 16's.  Real 16's. 
10. AND THEY WERE ALL TOO BIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
11. If I had needed pants, I would have gone back and tried on 14's.  But I don't need any right now.  If I had tried on 14's and they fit, I would have been compelled to buy them just because and I don't need any right now...
12. So I mentioned above that we went shopping Friday night.  Friday night was a mere 12 hours before I started my (.).  So I was bloated as all get out and trying on clothes and still finding I was smaller than I thought I was.
13. I started my (.) yesterday.  I have never lost weight the week before starting.  I have generally always gained 3-4 pounds (water) and once or twice, just held steady.  But this week...I lost.  I hit a record low yesterday and was still there today.  I'll show you...






14. I'm close, huh!?!!!!
15. Couldn't be much closer....  Any closer...and I'd be there.
16. Given that I'm on my (.)...and I always lose a bunch when my (.) goes away...and I haven't lost much in the last two weeks...I'm hoping that I see onederland this week.
17. I love this fill!!!!  Still haven't started weightlifting back up cause things have been crazy busy. 
18. But...
19. There's always a but, isn't there...
20. So here's the thing.  I'm losing weight.  The scale says so.  I'm shrinking sizes, clothes say so.  I'm shrinking inches, tape measure says so.  I'm losing fat, calipers say so.  I'm shrinking.  It's a known fact at this point.
21. But the thing is...I see myself as bigger than ever.  Seriously.  When I was at my heaviest, 264, I still saw a thin person.  Kinda.  But the biggest thing was that at 264, I didn't see myself nearly as bad as I was.
22. But now, over halfway through my journey...I feel bigger than ever!
23. Yeah, I completely didn't even notice when I hit my halfway point in my journey two weeks ago.  At this point, in my 124 pound journey, I've lost 64 pounds.  62 pounds was my halfway point.  I am past that.  I am on the downhill slide.  I didn't even notice...
24. And it's crazy to me.  Now I look in the mirror and I see an incredibly fat girl.  Now I put on clothes and only see how horrible I look.  I was telling my hubby this last night, how odd it is to be smaller and yet see myself as bigger than ever.  I am smaller than he's ever seen me.  But I think and feel like I am bigger than I've ever been in our time together.  And I think it's partly because of my stomach.
25. At the point that I met my husband I weighed 215.  My stomach fat was not spilling over (ooh, gross).  That happened just a little after we got together and I relaxed and started eating like I could keep up with him.  But here I am, smaller than I've been in over 6 years and my stomach is not shrinking back to what it was the last time I was at this weight.  I now am pretty confident that I am going to have skin issues with my stomach.  But this stomach thing I have going on...it's enough to make me see myself as more horrible than ever.
26. It's so weird.
27. It's hard, too, because, to me, it's not worth getting the tummy tuck just to turn around and have kids.  And we want to have (at least) two.  I can't fathom fixing this until we are done having kids.  Which means I probably have years of dealing with this.  It's a demotivator, at the moment. 
28. I still want to lose.  Don't get me wrong.  It's just so weird to not be thrilled with the progress.
29. I guess it's a little depressing, too, to know that I am probably never going to look "good".  I can lose, I can be healthy, I can be normal-ish.  But I'm always going to have to hide "features" behind certain kinds of clothes.
30. And the last thing for today.  We went and saw a friend yesterday.  We hadn't seen her since Christmas 2009.  She had absolutely no idea that I had lost weight because to her, I look exactly like I did.  Ooh, ouch.  Nearly 65 pounds later and I still look the same?  Yikes!
1. She thought that meant I "hid my weight well".
2. Knowing that I am already struggling with not seeing myself as thinner, I think it means I am not really looking "better" at all.
3. 10 pound photos are 5 pounds over due.  I will take them today.  I'll be curious to see how they compare to 65 pounds ago...and even to 10...
31. And that's all I got...
32. Hope y'all are having a great weekend!