04/12/11: 365 days ago

Well, you haven't heard much from me lately.  There's two reasons.  One, morning sickness.  Two, severe exhaustion.  I'm literally sleeping 12-13 hours a night with a 3-4 hour nap during the day when I can.  It's insane.  I'd say I'm tired of sleeping...but I'm just tired.

Anywho.  I can't miss today.  365 days ago I was banded.  And I really want to do a "what's changed" post.

I'm gonna write this based on not being pregnant.  Why?  Because, my band is currently completely deflated and I can barely tell it's there, right now.  There is a very common thing with pregnant women, I've found, that you eat what sounds good - and health be damned.  If I don't eat what sounds good - I guarantee, it's coming back up.  And what sounds good goes against bandster basics.  I don't care.  I'm not gaining.  And these babies need their sustenance.  Some calories are better than none, afterall.  It is not unnoticed with me, though, that it would be incredibly easy to be just eating what you want - and then to continue that long after the babies are born - that would be a disaster.  I can see that many women have done what they had to do to get through the first trimester...but then it's a habit...and if the habit isn't kicked to the curb once babies are born, it becomes a weight problem.

Anywho.  So being banded.

Well, it's a blessing.  There is no other way to put it.  I am pregnant with twins and I can (and did) get the band completely unfilled so that I can do what I need to to sustain these babies and me, a little, too.  This is not an option with any other WLS.  This is why I chose the band. 

What's changed?

1. I've lost 70 pounds altogether.  12 during what I call "the unweightloss program" which was my insurance requirements.  14 during my pre-op diet.  And the remainder (44) with the band.
1. Could this have been more?  Sure.  Why isn't it?  Because of:
1. A pregnancy in October that led to a miscarriage in November
2. Not having a backup plan for dealing with a miscarriage and allowing myself to eat through my emotions in Nov/Dec.
3. Another pregnancy, current, that is now considered "viable".
2. This will be more after these babies are born.  I will have this tool for the rest of my life to help me deal with all of my ups and downs.
2. Food no longer controls me.  I am still very interested in food.  I am one of those of the mindset that I do not want to be so tight  that any foods are on my do-no-eat list.  I have been there and it's miserable.  I can eat anything I want to in "normal" amounts and I'm satisfied.
3. I realized my compulsion for carbs and I have learned to control that compulsion.
4. I realized that, for me, eating right is "just part" of the equation.  It doesn't work to eat right and still eat too much.  Nor does it work to eat right and not work out.  The band helps me control my portions.  The band even keeps my mind in the workout game.  You don't go through surgery to only half-assedly commit.
5. I feel like I truly do control my weight.  Once upon a time, I felt like my weight controlled me.  I could do what I wanted but I would pay a price.  Now, I can do what I want and there is no price to pay.  I don't suffer for enjoying life anymore - and once upon a time, I did.  Once upon a time, if I went to a football game with friends, and tailgated before hand, on my feet, bbq-ing and playing football, then stood through a game, then walked a mile to my car, I'd be laid up for a couple of days.  Now, I just do.  Once upon a time, if I threw a backyard pool party, cleaned and scrubbed the house before hand, hosted throughout, and even enjoyed my pool and my food I was cooking, I'd be laid up for days.  Now, I just do.  I no longer pay for living my life. 
6. If I don't lose another pound, post-partum, I'll be ok.  I know without a doubt I can chase my kids around my house, I can do cartwheels with them on the lawn, I can teach them to swim and to cook and to garden.  I can do whatever I want with my kids with the changes I have already made.  Any more is for vanity - and yes, I do care - but for my health, I now believe I can live a long life watching my babies grow up.
7. Ironically, my BMI is still considered obese.  I am sitting at 30.1.  Yep.  30.1.  Two tenths of a point and I'll be "overweight".  I don't consider myself obese.  I am a lot of muscle.  I have a very healthy heart - with my last stress test, it ranked as a 24 yo heart - and that was before losing 70 pounds.  I can't imagine that got worse.  :)  My LDL and HDL levels are finally normal.  My glucose is better than it's been since I was 22.  Never in pre-diabetic range, but it raised a few eyebrows along the way and now it elicits compliments.  My blood pressure is sitting around 112/65 - and also elicits compliments.  My resting heartrate is 58 - that of an athlete. 
1. Carrying two babies should cause that to climb and it's climbed to all of 65 - eliciting a gazillion compliments nowadays.  Most people aren't in that range when they aren't pregnant.
8. The biggest one - I feel like I can get to my goal weight, 142. 
1. So, some people say they want to get to goal and then they'll get pregnant. 
2. I. Could. Not. Do. That.
3. I know that following pregnancy I will  have to lose weight.  And my mind would be resentful of getting to goal and then having to lose again.  I'd so much rather be healthy for pregnancy and know that I'm still losing for me.  I won't be losing pregnancy weight, I'll be losing weight I needed to lose anyway.
4. I know that losing weight postpartum will be more difficult.  Time won't be what it was for me before.  No longer will I be able to go home and spend my evening in the gym followed by a relaxing bath and crawling into bed to read a book.  Nope, this will be a challenge, in comparison, postpartum.  It will be doable because I will make it so - and this period won't last forever, anyway.  But, postpartum - that will be my life.  My life before pregnancy - that was luxurious filled with excessive amounts of freetime.  That was a time spent wishing for what's to come.  What's to come - will be an achievement for me.  And the exclamation point on that achievement will be showing my kids a healthy lifestyle which includes not only healthy eating but a good exercise routine as well.  I will be able to incorporate them into my routine with walking and swimming.  I will be able to show them that what they learn when they join their first swim team or soccer team or basketball team or go to their first dance classes or gymnastic classes - that will stay with them for life.
9. I know that plastics are in my future.  My belly has issues.  Losing more will further illuminate those issues - and ballooning with my bump will only make that "worse".  To me, that will be the day the weightloss chapter closes, when I get close enough to goal that plastics are feasible.  I used to read on so many blogs women who love their battle scars, love the stretchmarks and the roadmaps that their stomachs have become.  I used to think, when I'd read that, eck, I can't ever love my belly.  Now I look at my belly and the bloat currently associated with what will be a HUGE bump...and I. Love. It.  I can't wait to see what becomes of the tattoo on my hip, already stretched out and, currently, to me, gross.  I can't wait to see how the current stretchmarks change, whether they become more pronounced, deeper, darker.  I can't wait to see all of what happens to my belly.  I used to look at it and say "this is what I did to me" and now all I can see is a blank slate for these twins to embellish.  When I am at goal, I will have a roadmap that shows where I came from and who it helped along the way.  Finally, I see beauty!

If I had it to do all over again, I would.  The band has helped me change my life - change it back to what it was meant to be.  The band is a tool that will always adapt with me and for me; and I love that.  I love that I control it - and it helps me stay in control of oh so much.

Happy Birthday, My Lady.  I can't wait to see what our next year together brings!!!