05/11/2012: Not hate!!!....NO!!!

It's Friday!  Yay!  How 'bout some bullets cause I'ma be all over the place...

• Balance.  I'm reading one of my favorite blogs and there is a lot of mention of balance.  It's something I'm struggling with big time right now.  I need to accomplish various things every day.  Here's my list
• wake up and get ready and get out of the house "on time"
• work a successful non-stressful day
• leave work and pick up my beautiful baby boys
• cook dinner
• feed beautiful babies boys
• eat my dinner
• play with beautifuls
• put beautifuls to sleep/bed
• relax
• work out
• relax
• Don't know how to do it all.  And that's assuming there isn't some ridiculous nuance like grocery shopping or getting gas to add into that.  Or something even more ridiculous like paying bills or calling much loved loved ones.
• I can't do it all.  I simply can't.  I can't find the balance that I need and want.  I, for example, struggle with eating.  There simply isn't enough time to do it.  Before I came back to work there would literally be days that I did not get a chance to eat anything because I was always tending to something for the boys.
• Now that I'm back at work - at least I can eat lunch on a daily basis now.
• But dinner...dinner...that I can't get consistently worked into the schedule.
• We've worked it out, mostly, that while I feed babies vegetable or fruit du jour, my sweet hubby cooks dinner.  
• That doesn't mean I get to eat it, though.
• Sometimes I do, while it's hot. 
• Sometimes I do, after it's gotten cold.
• Sometimes I just don't get to until 10pm, long after lights should be out.
• But meh.  Who cares.  It's dinner.  If I'm able to not eat it, to not drop everything and go EAT IT, then I must not be hungry.
• But exercise.  Work out.  That...that I cannot squeeze in.
• I REFUSE to give up play time and cuddle time with my beautifuls.  REFUSE.  I WILL NOT DO THAT. 
• I only get them for so many hours a day.  I AM KEEPING THOSE HOURS!  I WILL NOT let the boys play by themselves while I head out to the garage for a much needed work out.
• Ok, so after bed.
• That would seem a reasonable answer.
• But it doesn't work.  Bedtime for my beautifuls is 8'ish.  By the time we have them settled and we are settling, I'm exhausted and I need sleep.  If I add a work out in after their bedtime, I'll be up until 11 or even 12.  Getting up at 5:30am doesn't work well if you aren't going to sleep until midnight.
• So where's my balance?
• I can't do it all.  I have to pick and choose.
• I know that I need to figure this out because I need to stay on this planet as a healthy person so that I can watch my beautifuls grow and blossom and thrive.  I need to get this body kicked into gear so that I can start running with them when they start running circles around me.  I need to be as good as pie.
• Wait.  Not pie.  That's not "good".  I seriously hate pie.
• I need to be as good as...
• Nope.  I need to be 100%  I need healthy in and healthy out.  I need good quality real food.  Check.  Good there.  Maybe less of it, but the quality isn't an issue.  But I'm not getting any of the out.  ANY.
• I could bundle them in their carseats and stroller and head out for a walk.  But I HATE cooping them up like that for extended periods of time - especially periods of time that I can be cuddling them close or playing with them.
• There are so many things I see getting "easier" when they get older.  Say they are running around and such, for example.  Then we could go to a park and I could get me some "Out" there as I play with them.
• But then...I don't want this stage to end, either.  I love me some baby and dangit if I don't have two amazingly cute beautiful babies!
• Sigh.  Balance.  I have none.  None that I can comfortably do right now.  As I see it, finding that balance means taking something, intangible though it may be, away from them.  I WILL NOT SACRIFICE TIME WITH THEM so that I can work out.  I also won't sacrifice sleeping time.

• I can't do Chicago....AGAIN.  DAMNITALL!  I so want Chicago.  I need to meet you all.  NEED.  It's not a simple want; it's an inherent NEED.
• But not this year.  AGAIN.  Time is a factor but finances are the real problem.  Health problems suck it.

• I'm trying to figure out what I'ma call my beautifuls on here.  Obviously, beautifuls is one, but I need the individual monikers.  I don't want to stick with "Baby A" and "Baby B" or anything that indicates a first and second.  Maybe as their personalities continue to emerge I'll catch onto something...but for now...not sure what I'ma do.  I won't be releasing their real names on here.

• I'm having a hateful kinda day.  I woke up happy and my beautifuls added to that.  But my hubby did not, today, and it's gone from there.  I understand my hubby's thing for why he didn't add to the happy...but the trifling crap that's occurred since then is just trifling.
• I hate trifling.
• Hate!

• I should be meeting up with aunt flow any minute now.  That doesn't help.

• I feel like my first mother's day has been hijacked from me.  Anything I mighta wanted to do I simply can't because my SIL decided it was her day and we all have to bow down to her.  I would love to say I wouldn't care if this were next year, that it's just because it's this year, my very first - my only first...that's the reason I care.  I'd love to set a tradition for this day - just like I will for Father's Day for my hubby - and the tradition will be whatever he wants it to be.  But I can't have my day, my tradition.  It has to be my SIL's day - and to make it sting a little better, she is totally rubbing our faces in shit, too.  I don't know why I care about this SIL's approval but she very apparently does not approve of me and her day has some component of sending me and my hubby a message that we are doing it all wrong.
• I'd love to see her try her hand at twins.  She's not doing one gracefully...but she thinks I suck.
• I think she's jealous.
• That's all I'ma say.

• Being in a hateful mood sucks.  I hate it!
• Hate!
• I think the meeting I just conducted has made it worse.  Far worse than I thought it could get today.

So on that note, I'ma call it good.  And spend the rest of the day getting out of the hate mood and back into my it's all good mood.  I hate hating!

Have a good weekend, y'all!

(and yes, I'll see you right back here next week!)