06/20/2012: All done

• Realizing the pain is making me insane is a huge step in getting over the insanity.  I know y'all had no idea what to do with yesterday's blog and part of me is tempted to take that post down.  But it is what it is.  There are no lies there.  But today is a new day.  And writing that out yesterday helped me realize JUST HOW MUCH the pain is driving me wonky right now.
• I hate pain.  Like seriously.  I mean a lot.  
• What's it take to kill this pain?  Let's recap.  Here's my choices....
1. hormone therapy of some sort, whether it be birth control pills/shots/patches, etc.
2. getting pregnant - although this is a big IF.  The pain could still thrive through a pregnancy.  And a pregnancy is VERY likely to make the pain worse, after the pregnancy is over.
3. A full hysterectomy.
• yay me.  
• Hormones screw me up.  Like seriously.  I mean a lot.  And we want to get pregnant, so that's not an option.
• Getting pregnant to alleviate pain is not a good reason.  Luckily for me, that was the plan, anyway.  To start trying to get pregnant again "in June".  It'll happen when it happens.  But before the pain, before everything went wonky, that was the plan.
• A full hysterectomy is depressing.  I'm 36 a couple months away from 37.  I don't know when exactly it'll happen, but odds are it'll be before I'm 40.  And that's depressing.  And sad.  And depressing.  Makes me feel a whole gamut of things about my body that I already despise (in it's current form) anyway.  And, of course, the younger you are for a hysterectomy the more likely you are to have problems later, like osteoporosis, for example.  THAT's fun to look forward to!  
• yay me.
• Anyway, moving on.  Because that's what I feel like...and I feel like I can because I am now finally really seeing/understand/grasping just how bad my pain is and what it is doing to my life, my husband, and "us".
• Realizing is key.  It's amazing, really.  Knowing is half the battle.
• Understanding the pain and it's extents, it's tentacles, if you will, is huge.  That's what it feels like.  I'm realizing as I type, for example, that it's even exacerbating being "mad" at my husband.  Of course I'm mad at him.  Anyone who's ever stood beside someone with cancer understands that and why it happens.  Of course my madness isn't going to manifest in any way like lack of support, for example.  But understanding that my pain is making my madness irrational is amazing.  Because in understanding, I gain my rationality back.  And generally speaking, I do tend to be rational.
• Understanding that my irrationality has a source is huge.  Because it means I can start asking myself an internal question before I "respond" to anything.  Is this the pain?  Or is this real?
• 9 times out of 10, lately, it's the pain.  Being hung up on failed friendships, for example - pain.  
• I'd rather focus on that which I know I can heal from than that which is making my body feel like it does.  I know I can get over failed friendships.  I know I can stop being mad at my husband and that my husband will be fine.  I know I am good for my boys.  I know my boys need me.
• I can talk myself off of all those ledges.  But this pain.  This pain is eating me at the core.  I'd rather, mentally, pretend it's not there than face that I don't know how long this will last, that the measures to fix it are extreme, that the pain is continuing to get worse and worse and worse and my options for moments of relief are getting more and more extreme with it.
• Yesterday afternoon, sitting at my desk at work, I literally had tears streaming down my face because it just hurt.  I'd taken two vicodin in the span of an hour and while I knew the pills were working, that "work" was barely anything in relation to the level of pain I was in.  Driving to my husband was torture.  Dealing with traffic when all I wanted to do was curl up and scream was HARD.  Normally, I love to drive and I take every opportunity I can.  But yesterday, I crawled over to the passenger side and made my husband call my Dr.  We had 15 minutes until they closed for the day and I was praying they'd tell me what I could do to "fix it".  They didn't call back.  And I downed 4 more vicodin before the night was over.  Last night was miserable.  Today is shaping up to be miserable.  But there's hope.  It's in the form of a Dr.'s appt.  My favorite nurse, one who is very familiar with what is going on with me right now, called me back this morning, first thing.  And she wants me to come in.  Like create an appt for me type of come in.  That appt is first thing tomorrow morning.  And while I know I won't get relief by seeing my doc, I do know I have an ally in him and that he wants me fixed, too!  I do know that somehow I'll get through this.
• Somehow, the events that played out yesterday - a blog from hell that scared people away, intense and immeasurable pain - somehow that helped me to realize just what I've been dealing with for months, now.
• This endo is just weird.  It's predictable and yet it's not.  The pain has ranged, with each cycle, from non-stop to "just" the two weeks between ovulating and getting my period.  It's all over my abdomen, worse in the pelvic region.  I look back on things now and don't believe my gallbladder had to come out.  But as I say that - every time - I know, medically speaking, that it was wonky.  But I believe the true pain that led to that discovery was/is the endo, not the gallbladder.  I know now I should be working with my ob/gyn on anything I do because somehow, the endo is tied to every single thing that is happening with me right now.  
• And I know the endo has played tricks on my brain.  Month one - didn't know it was there.  Month two - didn't understand the implications.  Month three - thought I'd get relief "next month".  Month four - finally realizing just how screwed I am, so long as I have to deal with this.  That's huge!  I don't know that I can articulate this well, yet, but just knowing that is already more than I've had.  Perspective is everything and realizing something is a huge way to change a perspective.
• Realizing all that I realized yesterday makes me realize that beating myself up just makes the pain worse.  That's obvious, isn't it?  I just didn't realize it was the pain driving the "I suck" stupidity.  I don't suck.  At least not anymore than the next guy.  Logically, rationally, I know that.  Pain is not rational.  But adding my mental drama to my physical pain was literally making it worse.  And in realizing that, I can now say, All done!  I can knock off that mental beating I was doing to myself - that I've been doing to myself - for four months now.  And I can get back to being me.  The me I was before, the me that knows I'm a continual work in progress and I'll never be perfect but I sure am gonna die tryin.  There are likable things about me.  There are things I have to look forward to.  There are people in my life that want to stand beside me and us as we go through this journey.  And my husband is going to be fine.
• This pain won't win.  Greater things have tried to knock me off my game and I come out the victor every time.  This pain won't win.  That's all there is to it!