07/12/2012: Can there really be more?

I am so tired.  Beyond tired.  Exhausted isn't it.  Fatigue isn't it.  I'm worn down.  I'm lying on the ground begging for a hand up and I'm continually being beaten back down.  My husband is sticking by my side.  And my beautifuls still light up when I walk in the room.  My three little hopes.  But aside from that, hope is gone.

Having hope be gone is beyond weird.  I am a hopeful kind of person.  To be beat is hard.

Yesterday and Tuesday - for two days - I thought maybe I could get back on my knees.  Maybe I could figure out how to get back up and running.  Maybe I could get my hope back.

And now there's more.  Here, Lori, have some interstitial cystitis (IC).

I have now been referred to a female urologist.  She is going to run a gazillion more tests on me.  And most likely she's going to say that I have IC.

I could leave it alone and work on getting ahead of the endo.  But the IC will not get better on it's own and the longer it's left untreated, the worse it gets.

I could assume I don't have IC.  But more than 80% of women with severe endo have IC, too.  And we now know I've crossed into the severe category.  Yay me.  Always an over-achiever.

I have all the symptoms.  My RE ran a "dip stick" last week, a pee test, to rule out UTI's.  And no, no UTI.  But I sure do have the symptoms.

We fired our PCP a few weeks ago.  Poof.  Gone.  Be done.  When we started with the RE last week she asked who our PCP was.  We said "we're in between".  She asked why/what happened and we explained that we felt the need to have open communication with our PCP and we did not have that.  She agreed and recommended someone she likes.  A friend, even.  I had my new patient appt with that new PCP today and Husby sees her Monday.  I filled new PCP in on all my crap.  And she palpitated my belly.  Oh. Good. Lord. Almighty.

She asked me..."Is Stadol strong enough?"...when I crawled back off the ceiling and back on to the exam table.

I have to laugh.  No.  No, it's not.  But whatever it is that's "strong enough" will undoubtedly knock me on my ass and I do have to work.  I do have to live life.  I desperately have to play with beautifuls and interact with Husby.  So on my ass isn't a good alternative, either.  I have to have balance here.  Enough to make me feel like I can function but not so much to take my little hopes away from me.

I was doing some reading yesterday and I came across a thing that talked about endo vs. IC vs. UTI's.  IC is called "The evil twin".  It's almost always present with severe endo.  This was the first I'd read of it.  To have my new PCP bring this up today...beyond odd.

But here's the conundrum.  Normally I love me some conundrum.  I love to argue both sides of a coin all by myself and conundrums are perfect opportunities to do just that.  I'm such a devil's advocate.  But...me no likey conundrums when it's about my health.  When it's about my health and getting fixed has two components but it has to be an either/or.  Me wants both.

If I pursue the pregnancy this month - go forth with putting our all into it...well, then, seeing this urologist will do me no good.  She cannot help me while pregnant.  Pregnancy will give me relief from endo, they say - although not guaranteed.  But pregnancy will not help IC.

So if I leave it and pursue pregnant...no help with IC.  And that could mean long term damage to my bladder and ureter.  And long term damage, I've read, can lead to life without a bladder.  Talk about fun!

If I pursue it, no pregnant.  And we don't know what will happen with Husby.

Can there really be more?  God, did we not already have enough?

Anywho, so I met this new PCP.  She's awesome.  Very chatty.  And very politically inclined - and inclined the same way as Husby and I.  I love it!  She had ads all over the exam room I was in talking about the state of medicine and what we, the patients, can do to help.  Like calling our congress people and explaining what we do and don't want.  It's hilarious.  I'm an avid doctor visitor, lately, and I've never seen this!  It's awesome!

Anywho, she had to point out to me "you're fat".  (So's she.)  She asked what my problem was.  Started with "Do you eat healthy?"  Yes.  She looked at me, serious like.  I looked back at her, serious like.  She said, "I get it, I am, too, and look at me."  Then she said "So what's your problem?"  I said "too much".  That was it.  And she said, ahh.  I said "Yep.  Nothing is good for you if you eat too much of it."  She said "I wish more people understood that.  Being fat doesn't automatically mean we eat badly."

For what it's worth...I'm not crazy fat.  I've gained with the pregnancy and yada yada yada.  BMI is sitting at 38.4, so obese, but at least not morbidly obese.  She is not crazy fat, either.  Probably about same as me.

She asked how I did with the band before getting pregnant.  I told her 75 lbs, which was no lie.  And she was amazed.  She asked what my ideal weight was.  And I kinda don't even really know anymore.  I said I'd love it if I could get to 145'ish.  I'd be happy to get to 170, though.  And that's true.  I know I need a tummy tuck.  I told her that, that I'd lose and see where it gets me but this belly is going to have to have help.  I told her that it was the twin pregnancy that blew the hope of elasticity out of the water.  She said yeah...twin pregnancies rarely help bellies.  She said get to 190 and we'll cross that bridge.  That's about where I was pre-pregnancy.  I wonder what I'll look like at 190 this next time...whenever I get there.

But then that's where it gets depressing.  Not having any hope anymore...I actually do find I've stopped planning/thinking about the future.  I no longer think about when I feel better and get back to losing weight - and how much better that will make me feel, too.  I no longer think about what I want to do or where I want to go.  I've stopped planning.  And that is beyond scary.  Do you know what happens to a relationship when the couple stop making plans together?  Scary.

I need my hope back.

I'm scared.  I'm so beyond scared.

And with that I'll stop.  Being scared is one thing.  Being depressed is another and I don't need that today.

Please just tell me there can't really be more.  Hasn't it been enough?