12/01/10: Here, have a little more

We won't know until Friday, possibly Thursday, but the surgeon has told my aunt, uncle and grandmother that her tumor is cancerous and he thinks it's already stage 3 or 4.  While it's good that my aunt is up and about after having brain surgery yesterday, eating and walking, etc, I don't think it sounds good that she "isn't quite right".  Such scary stuff.  I want to know who or what decided that my aunt and my uncle, this husband and wife team, have to endure lung cancer AND brain cancer at the same friggin time.  It's too much!  Entirely too much.

I was hit hard with my uncle's news, he was the uncle that gave me away on my wedding day since I'd already lost both my dad and my step-dad.  But now to have this news about my aunt not even two months later, I just am finding myself breaking into tears at incredibly random things - like the sky is beautiful today.

I'm not going to make my blog about my pain or heartbreak.  I don't have the goal of bringing your smiles crashing down along with mine.  But some of what is on my mind does come through in this blog.  I find it sad that my plea for affirmation yesterday resulted in people unfollowing me.  Really?  Because I'm getting hit upside the face (and down) with life and I need just a little love?  Really?  May this never happen to whoever they were.  Not once.  I'm just gonna say, this isn't the first time I'm facing a fast-growing horrendous cancer with a loved one.  I've endured more loss in my 35 years than some people do in a lifetime.  I hate that.  I hate that all around me is loss, is personal crime, is negativity.  But I do love that in spite of it all, in spite of living more life in 35 years than some do in 80...I still have a smile on my face and my heart is still able to find peace.  So if you want to unfollow me for being real...sleep well, my friend.

With that said...well...I could go on and talk about the latest band-related developments...but I won't.  I'll save it for tomorrow and hopefully change gears a bit on this blog.  Today, I just had to get this out there.  Like the miscarriage and the personal trials of last month, I will try to not bring this up around here.

11/30/10: What a Way to Break A Heart

I kind of didn't think it was possible.  I also had no idea how it would feel if it ever happened.  But it is possible.  And now I know...

I wrote a blog yesterday.  It wasn't really about anything, so I don't blame anyone...but not one single person commented.  I kind of didn't even think that was possible.  But apparently it is.  And now I know how it feels to have gone for nearly a year with blogs being commented on at least once each...and to have nothing...it kind of breaks the heart.

What a strange feeling that is.  I already knew I was blogging for the affirmation.  So no affirmation...turns out...is a slap in the face.

A slap in the face in a time when I'm trying so very hard to find reasons to smile.  A miscarriage is a strange thing...it really plays with the mind.  I never "looked" pregnant...so how is anyone to believe that I was?

Friday I got a call from one of my aunts that another of my aunts had been rushed to the hospital on Thanksgiving and turns out...she has a very fast growing brain tumor.  She spent the entire weekend in ICU and is undergoing surgery today.  My aunt's doctor has had to say there will be brain damage and they know they can't get all of the tumor out, but they're gonna try their best.  Hopefully it's benign and hopefully damage is minimal and hopefully my aunt can move on with her life.  This is the same aunt whose husband is fighting lung cancer. 

Their news is weighing incredibly on my heart.  I don't want my grandmother to have to watch another of her baby girls go through a struggle, it was enough when she lost my mom.  I don't want my aunt and uncle to have to be fighting both lung cancer and a brain tumor.  I want them healthy and enjoying a much deserved and hard-fought-for retirement.  I don't want my family to be losing losing losing and it seems that is the phase we are in.

So here's my broken heart...begging...for affirmation.

11/29/10: Wowser

We had a happy Thanksgiving in our house.  Everything went fine with just a minimal scare Thursday morning that maybe the oven wasn't fixed afterall.  But then the oven behaved and it behaved fine for the rest of the day.  We all ate well and the company was the absolute best part of it all!  I didn't take any pictures this year because, well, I just don't really do pictures, or so it seems.  I thought about it at one point and then decided against it and now am kicking myself as I see all of your pictures.  Oh well, c'est la vie!

I think the interesting thing about Thanksgiving was that I decided, now that I am back in weightloss mode, to put GoBe back on, on Thursday.  GoBe is my GoWear Fit and it calculates calories burned and the amount of sleep I get plus the steps I take throughout the day.  I tell it what I ate and it then declares - you had a deficit of....

Well.  I put it on Thursday morning for the first time since the beginning of October.  I quit wearing it after learning I was pregnant because I just didn't care.  And now I care again.  And on Thursday...I burned...you ready for this?  3,822 calories.  My record prior to that was somewhere around 3200.  Wowser!

I earned that meal!

I think I ate well, too.  Everything went down, although some things slower than others (stuffing vs. green bean casserole).  Everything was homemade this year and everything was divine, if I don't say so myself.  I had one serving spoon of about everything on our table...no sweet potatoes, though, hate them, they are just way too sweet for me.   But I had cauliflower gratin - didn't want to go down, cauliflower could have been (and should have been) cooked just a bit more.  I had turkey - both fried and roasted.  The best turkey didn't even get put on the table, the one off the barbeque.  I think we are officially done with oven roasted turkeys.  The fried was amazing...but it wasn't the frying that made it amazing, it was the injected marinade.  So we can add that to our grilled turkey and save the fat from the oil.  It was great to try it, but now I can say I have and move on with life.  I ate the broccoli rice casserole and the cranberry relish and the stuffing and the homemade cheddar biscuits.  And it all went down.  At the end of the day, out of curiosity, I calculated calories for what I'd eaten at my meal and it was a whopping 800.  But, again, with burning 3822 in the making of it all, I'm so not worried about it!

It's the leftovers that are doing me in!  We have a tradition building of making paninis with the leftovers on the Friday after.  This is the third year we've done that and everyone piles into the kitchen to create their own personalized panini which I then grill for them.  The paninis are shockingly good and it's always interesting to see what people choose to put on them.  I was even able to eat the panini...but was thankful that we chose a very small loaf (potato rosemary bread) for this year.  Very little sandwiches.  A few people thought that bread looked small so they made themselves two...and could barely finish the one.  So the bread worked out well.

Another awesome thing was that the Aggies won!  Gig 'Em Aggies!

Friday was a lazy day, not by planning.  We thought we'd get out and do something but we just never did.  We just watched football all day long.

Saturday was another lazy day.  We talked briefly about doing some work around the house, getting Christmas decorations down...but nothing materialized.  We spent Saturday night playing cards with friends and were up until 2am trying to finish the game.  It was a pretty low-key and fun evening!

Finally, Sunday, we did get the Christmas decorations down and we got our Christmas lights up on both the front of the house and the rear as well as the icicle lights around our fence.  Our backyard faces a "lake" with a walking path around it so our house is visible by all from both sides.  And all the houses that are on the "lake" try to put the icicle lights around the fence.  It would be gorgeous if everyone would do it.  But some people did it the first year and have not since.  Others don't do Christmas.  And it ends up being about every other house that has the lights up.  I always love the way the back of the house lights reflect off of the pool which is now steaming because it's warmer than the air.  It's an entirely wintery feel to me and I love it!

And that's about all I know.  I hope y'all have a fantastic week!

11/24/10: I love Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is, to me, the best holiday of all that we celebrate.  It brings family and friends together just for the sake of being together and being thankful of each other.  It is fun to set up for, it is fun to cook for, it is fun to be together for - and the best part is it's all so that we can say thank you.

Thank you for our lives.
Thank you for the best husband on the planet (sorry, but he is.)  :)
Thank you for the major turn-around this year has been for me - taking charge of my health and my eating and even learning that I CAN get pregnant.
Thank you for our friends.
Thank you for our family.
Thank you for our health.
Thank you for our friends' and family's health.
Thank you for the fact that we have jobs.
Thank you for the fact that we have a home and we can heat it (or cool it) and stock it with food and we can fill it with love and memories every day.
Thank you for our many blessings which include, so far, lifetimes of health and happiness.
Thank you for the thought of what's to come.
Thank you for four perfect, healthy and happy pets that make coming home that much more special.
Thank you for everything.

I love my life.  I have struggles and sadness on occasion and pleasures and happiness all around.  I was blessed with a great upbringing in which my parents, amidst all their "screw ups" kept my happiness at the forefront.  And it worked.  I can get through most anything with a smile on my face.

Thanksgiving, to me, is the best holiday of all.  I have 28 years of wonderful memories in which my mom and I cleaned and prepped and shopped and prepped and cooked a wonderful meal meant only to bring together people who loved each other.  It was always such a special day.  Most of the time, Thanksgiving was at our house.  A few years, my mom, an RN (at the time) had to work on Thanksgiving and so my dad and I would join her at the hospital cafeteria for our Thanksgiving meal.  It never mattered.  It was always a special day, to me.

Since I lost my mom, I've vowed to carry on what she taught me.  To fill my house with loved ones and all cook a special meal together.

We sit down to a family style meal and start with singing "We Gather Together".  As new people join in this tradition with me, they are always touched by that simple (beautiful) song.  I love that this little song, and that it's so important in my family, brings tears to my MIL's eyes.

At some point in the meal, we all take turns stating our thanks, round-robin style.  I love that, too.  It's always so special, to me, to be able to hear exactly what it is my friends and family are most thankful for.

We all enjoy a fabulous feast.  This year I am cooking:

• Three turkeys (1 fried (11lb), 1 oven-roasted(13.5lb) and 1 on the barbeque (23lb))
• Stuffing (and yes, I put what will fit in the bird...IN THE BIRD)
• Mashed Taters
• Gravy
• Sweet Potatoes
• Cranberry Sauce (only canned item on the menu)
• Cranberry Relish
• Waldorf Salad
• Cauliflower Gratin
• Green Bean Casserole
• Broccoli Rice Casserole
• I made homemade cream of mushroom, cream of chicken, and cream of celery soups for the green beans and broccoli rice this year.  Those homemade renditions are amazing and super easy!
• Pumpkin Custard Pie
• Banana Cream Pie
• Pecan Pie

A neighbor is bringing creamed corn and something else.  Another neighbor may or may not bring oyster stuffing.  And we'll see if anyone shows up with anything else...

And once we eat all that, we'll all work together to get the kitchen cleaned back up.  Although my husband prides himself on helping me in the kitchen (and it's really not him helping me, it's a joint effort) but when he's between tasks, he always starts to clean and works on the dishwasher and whatnot.  Last year, after dinner, we literally had just dishes to do...

Once the cleaning is done, it's time for football.  And I'm so thankful that the Aggies have decided to try and be the Aggies again!  I have found my love of football being revived as this season has progressed!  It's a big game on Thursday against UT-Austin and this year is huge.  If A&M wins...UT-Austin, a national champion contender last year, will find themselves not even bowl eligible.  (heart breaking)  On the other hand, if the Aggies win, we take a share of the Big XII south.  Who ever coulda thunk it!  I love me some exciting football and I love the tradition and rivalry involved in this game.  Even as a California girl growing up, I was still impressed by this game.  My love for A&M started when I was 8 years old and I saw the bonfire burning just before the start of a game (footage from the previous evening) as the broadcasters talked a bit about the traditions of A&M.  I vowed to myself I'd go to A&M...and then forgot.  And surprise surprise, guess where I ended up 17 years later. 

Thanksgiving is always a marvelous day.  Even in the years when we've had "disasters" - clogged garbage disposals, dead ovens, missing dogs, flat tires, stuck on the freeway in traffic - it has always turned out wonderfully.

Now isn't that proof positive of how wonderful a positive attitude can be?

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!