09/21/10: Fall is coming, fall is coming...

Now where is it?  Fall that is.  Where is it?  I love cold.  I love cool.  I love chilly.  I love not humid.  I love changing leaves and grass turning brown and shorter days and fires in the fireplace.

So why have I chosen to live in Houston?

Really?  Why have I?  I'm asking.

Because I don't get it.  It makes no sense.  None at all.

Yeah, I love the amount of rain we get here.  I love the people, that's for sure - so friendly and courteous and respectful.  It's baffling, really, that a city as big as Houston can still be filled with friendly, courteous and respectful people.  I mean...manners still exist!  When I lived in California, when I lived in Chicago, when I lived in Hawaii...manners were an urban legend.  But they are REAL here.

But I HATE the weather.  Except when it rains.  Or when we have four day freezes (like this past January).  Or when it finally does cool off in late November.  I love Houston between November and March. 

Odd.

Anywho.  This blog is so totally not about that!  And yet I just wasted that space to talk about something I'm not even talking about today.

Wow.

Special.

This blog IS about me.  Me and my...um...journey.  Or lack thereof, here lately.

Let's dissect Lori today.

Lori hates ice cream.  So for the last month, Lori has been eating ice cream every day.  I was eating it more like once or twice a week.  But in the last month...I've been eating it every day.  I budget it in, factor in the calories I'm getting.  I've even fallen in love with a yogurt/ice cream blend which actually has protein and it comes in these tiny little serving cups and works out to 170 calories a serving.  But I hate ice cream.  And I'm eating it anyway.

Lori hates chocolate.  Yeah, I said it.  I mean it.  It's the taste that does not appeal to me.  It's weird.  I can't explain it.  Chocolate does not make me feel better nor does it satisfy anything.  Periodically I'll go on these trips, yeah, lets call 'em trips, where I want a piece or two - like a kiss or a miniature - each evening.  This "trip" generally lasts for a week or two and it's done.  Yep.  I've been eating chocolate for a month, too.  Although...I haven't had a piece since Saturday.

I need to just stop buying the stuff.  If the danged weather would cool off, I'd probably care less about the ice cream.  I don't know what is causing the chocolate trip.

But it's weird.  I hate this stuff and I'm eating it.  Why am I not looking for something better as that last after dinner something?  Why am I turning to crap that's also crap I don't like?  I don't get it.  I keep examining and re-examining and I can't see that it's comforting - it's not, it has me on edge, actually, to be going for something I don't even like.  It's not satisfying - I don't like it!  It's not nutritional, it's not filling a need - other than extra calories to get me to the more appropriate 1100-1200 per day.

It's just so weird.

But what I keep coming back to is this.  I keep going to this crap because I can.

Yep.  I eat crap.  On purpose.  To make my calories seem more reasonable.  Yes, somewhere around 8pm I want just a little something.  One piece of chocolate or a small serving of ice cream does the trick.  I get my little something and I don't blow my calorie budget.

But I can.  And not only can I....but I still lose weight.

Ok, but lets try snapping back to reality.  If I didn't eat the crap...I'd probably lose more weight.

And here I am...frustrated...because for the past two weeks prior to yesterday....I've lost nothing.

What is it that I expect?

So here I am saying that the ice cream is done.  The chocolate bites are done.  And all the other little things that my pea brain justifies are done.  Just because I can afford to eat the crap does not mean I should.  I know better.  And even at my worst...I still didn't have these habits.

I know I can live without my 8pm "something".  I know I can live without chocolate and ice cream.  I know I can be better.  If I'm not getting enough food then I need to up my meals.  More chicken salad at lunch.  Maybe 5oz at dinner instead of 4oz.  I need to play with that.

There's another thing on my pea brain today.  I have always lost weight with ease over the winter and held onto weight no matter how active, how hard I try, how well I eat during the summer.  I am looking forward to summer being over.  This is the first summer I've lost - and it's been slow. 

v     ee     r     y        v    eee    rrr     yyy    ssssssssssssslllllllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwww

Slow.  Frustratingly slow at times.  Yet.  I've been eating chocolate.  And ice cream.  And sesame sticks.  What?  Did I not mention those?  I've also been eating fried chicken wings and pizza and hamburgers (although wrapped in lettuce, not in a bun).

And while, no, I won't ever give this crap up for once and for all, I also should not be eating this stuff daily or weekly, depending on the item.  No, I don't eat fried chicken wings once a week...but I'm learning that even once a month is actually too much.  My "treats" need to really be "treats".  I should not be allowed a "treat" every day.  And that's where I've been.

So how can I be frustrated if I'm losing slowly when I'm really not trying at all?  Weightlifting is hit or miss with me right now.  And this week my excuse is this danged cold and my correlating exhaustion.  I'm going home to bed tonight so weightlifting tonight is out.  Tomorrow dinner with a friend.  Thursday, it's likely to get picked up but I'll have to make sure I work 4 days straight and I've not been doing that, either.

So...secretly...I'm pleased with the ease of losing slowly.

But I'm there.  Here's the thing.  I'm ready.  I'm done.  I'm done with chocolate, with any and every lame excuse I've conjured up for why I'm not really trying.  I'm done.  I have one week left to travel in just about two weeks and that week is going to be full of activity.  And I'm excited about that.

I've done just enough weightlifting that I have a pretty good muscle base going.  It's in there and it's not atrophying.  I can do enough this week and next to keep the muscle happy to really feed the muscle come Oct 9th.  And this is mentionable because yesterday...with the cold...went home, vegged on the couch...went to bed at 9-friggin-pm and was exhausted and slept the night through - and managed to still have a calorie burn of 2300 for the day.  My normal sedentary days put me in a calorie burn range of 1900.  I love GoBe for helping me learn such things!

You know what else I'm doing?  Right now, in fact.  This very day.  I said I needed to just do it yesterday.  And today I did it.  I wore a real bra.  It hurts.  It's not comfortable.  And I'm glad I've got it on.  The girls are front and center pointed in the right direction as opposed to my tit sling style - down and out.  It hurts because I'm not used to real bras any longer and it's not comfortable for the same reason.  I think...when I bought this bra...maybe it shrunk...or maybe I'm really a D cup right now.  But I'm sure - was sure when I bought this - that I'll end up a C and this thing will stretch out and I can invest in great bras as I go.  But I'm working on the first hurdle.  Just like back in the tween years when you had to wear a training bra to get used to 'em...I'm relearning wearing a real bra.  And it feels good.  I'm gonna do me one better, too.  I'm going to go home and throw those stretched out, exhausted, dingy titslings away.  No more excuses.  I've been wearing heels for months...bras had to be next. 

You know what else?  My pants...first pair of pants that moved into the rotation of "these are wearable again".  They moved back into the wardrobe back in early July and were working alongside the last of my 20's as I moved them out.  The last of the 20's moved out in early August.  These pants are 18's.  And while I'm stil fully an 18 in pants, these pants are probably the largest of my 18's and they won't last too much longer.  They are baaaaaaa-gheeeee.  Two coworkers even commented on the bagginess today.  I love these pants but I won't miss them.

So that's it.  Secrets I've been keeping...I really suck.  But I'm finally doing some work on the brain that really has me ready to unsuck myself.

Stay tuned for what the real brain work has been up to.  It's coming...soon...to a blog post near you....

By the by - I know a lot of you guys figure all this stuff out verbally through the blog and then live with your awesomeness amongst us all.  I, I am learning, internalize everything...and then report the results.  I've had about two months, maybe three, of internalizing some real crap.  And it's finally approaching "done" and I'm ready to share.  It will get shared...just can't quite say on exactly which day.