11/17/10: I Think...

I think

1. My husband is mad at me.  He was irritated with me all evening last night and when I really started to think about it, he had been irritated with me the few times we spoke on the phone through the day, too.
• When my husband is mad at me, he won't say what's bugging him.  He'll just treat me oddly.  Not badly, not disrespectfully, not anything negative.  Just different.  In the nearly four years that I've known him, when this odd treatment starts, it's up to me to get him to talk about what's bugging him.  Sometimes he "breaks" within minutues, sometimes hours, sometimes days.  It's never gone longer than six days.
• I'll say, "Sweetheart, what's the matter" and he'll say "nothing".  And it's in how he says "nothing" that I can put together that something most certainly is wrong.
• It drives me crazy that I have to do this.  But I also know how important communication is.  My parents were not open and honest with each other when I was a kid and it led to their divorce, eventually.  So I put everything out there, I let nothing fester.  Fred, on the other hand, was never asked what he thought or felt before I came along.  His parents still have not learned the value of open communication - even after their divorce for effectively the same reason as my parents.  My hubby's first marriage fell apart because his opinion was never valued by the first wife.
• Someday I want to thank her, if I ever were to meet her.  She screwed up big time.  My husband is an awesome husband.  His "worst" trait is that I have to beg him to talk to me about what's bugging him.
• He talks to me openly about anything and everything but when the something-bugging-him is about me, he clams up.
• It's funny, too, because when he eventually does talk to me about what's bugging him, it never leads to a fight or anything negative.  It always leads to him saying, 'dangit, I wish I'd talked to you sooner'.
• I am fairly certain that whatever is bugging him has to do with the miscarriage.  And I'm also fairly certain he wants to protect me right now.
• I am also fairly certain that his "protection" is leading me to feel stress and I will keep chipping away to find out "what's wrong".
• If I could take a guess about "what's wrong" it's that he's scared.  He wants to help me, to fix me, to solve this pain and he can't and it's bothering him.
2. The cramps aren't really cramps anymore.  Now it's just pain.  It's like the cramps have resolved and now it's just an achey soreness.  So on one hand, it, I, am feeling better.  Cramps are relentless and they don't care what position I'm in.  This soreness, on the other hand, I can get myself settled and get the pain to settle down a bit.  However, any sudden movement is not pleasant at all.  Cramps, on the other hand, it didn't matter...it just hurt.
3. I have to go back to work tomorrow.  This doesn't sound like fun to me. 
• On one hand (yes, I generally always have two), I'm looking forward to getting out of the house and doing something other than watching reruns on TBS.
• On the other hand, I have just spent the last twenty minutes sitting up so that I could eat lunch and now, type, and it's getting more and more painful as I go.
• I just took my last vicodin and didn't want to ask for another refill because I don't want to be on vicodin at work.  But I'm thinking I still don't have much of a choice there.
• I never thought this would be this painful.  I don't think I am a wuss when it comes to pain but I know I don't have the strongest pain threshold, either.  My mom used to say I did.  Fred has told me, in the past, that I can handle more pain than most.  But then something like this comes along and I'm left bewildered.  In general, pain isn't such a big deal for me, but maybe I'm just super sensitive to cramps and anything wrong in the nether regions.  Who knows...
4. I could not sleep again last night.  Too much pain again.  My husband wasn't snoring this time, though.  I eventually did fall asleep and I managed to sleep this morning until 11:30.  I'm ready to go back to sleep again...
5. My Dermatologist just called with results from the biopsy and culture of the skin punches they took last week.  They said the culture showed no growth, so that's good.  No infection.  So what is this then?  They said the biopsy, there were two - one showed a hypersensitivity and the other showed a keratoma.  So what is this then?  How to fix it then?  I go in tomorrow to get the stitches removed and I will be very curious to hear what they say now.  My Dermatologist was just about convinced last week that this was a microbacterial infection.  So now that we know it's not an infection...well...what is it?
6. My dog and my cat have an interesting situation going on.  So, at the foot of our bed, we have a chest.  My doggie jumps up on that chest to get on the bed because the bed is just a little too high for him to jump directly onto.  Well, my cat...my hubby thinks he's jealous of the dog...gets on that chest whenever he can to block my doggie from getting up to the bed.  If Tibby does manage to get on the chest before Topper can block him, then Topper will jump onto the bed and take a bite out of Tibby's leg.  It's rather hilarious.  This happens on a daily basis.  And Topper takes advantage of any situation he can when Tibby is suddenly off the bed and therefore at the mercy of the cat.  As I type, Tibby has been relegated to the floor and Topper is sprawled out across the chest. 
7. Yeah, those cramps I claimed had resolved leaving just an achey soreness in their wake..yeah...I was wrong.  Still cramping.
8. Grrr.
9. It's time to lie down....