11/23/10:Forward Y'arch

When I was in boot camp, the "AROC" used to command the company to move by shouting out "Forward Y'arch".  That was what you would have heard and it was a great thing to say all through the Navy when it came down to moving onward in spite of our druthers.  What "Forward Y'arch" stands for is "Forward Company March" but in haste to stay on cadence, it comes out "Forward Y'arch".

I love Forward Y'arch.  I love most all of my Navy day stories, really, but when sharing my stories with civilians, I tend to have to explain what it means, where it comes from, why it's significant and I always notice, when I do that, that people's faces glaze over with boredom.  And by the time the story is shared, I've lost the listener.  So, I tend to not talk Navy unless I'm with a fellow-sailor.  Get two sailors together and it's a riot, I think.

By the by, "AROC" stands for "Assistant Recruit Chief Petty Officer" but AROC makes more sense than "ARCPO".  It's much easier to "say" AROC.  The AROC is secondary in command, amongst the recruits in the company, to the RCPO, the recruit in the company with all the authority.  The RCPO we really did call the RCPO.  The RCPO has a lot on their shoulders while the AROC is second in command, stepping up with the RCPO is out for whatever reason - dr. appt, test, whatever - and the AROC always calls cadence when the company is marching in formation.

I have no idea if this is still the same format used in Navy boot camp nowadays.  This was true when I was there - sixteen years ago...


Anywho, so Forward Y'arch is meant for me.  Enough with the cramps, enough with the miscarriage, enough with the dead oven, enough with the sinusitis and infected incision.  Enough.  Forward!  Y'arch!


Although it's not against my druthers at this point.  It's just an emphatic life moves on...


(I'll still give you updates on the incision as I learn new things.  Right now, my Derm has decided to keep me off the antibiotics and to wait for the culture results to come back.  He's hoping that he'll have some news next week so I have a new appt set for next Weds.)


Bunches of stuff to talk about today.  Bullets for the rest of it....

• I don't think I've ever been at my sweet spot.  There is a lot of talk going on right now about the elusive sweet spot and the fickleness of it all.  And I am pretty sure I've not been "there" but I'm also emphatically sure that I've been exactly where I want to be.  At that place where food was still of interest but not where I could eat too much of it.  At that place where it was up to me to make the wise choice most of the time but where I could still opt for the treat if I so desired.  Nothing on the don't eat list.  Quantity was reasonable (usually 0.5 cup).  Time it took to eat was reasonable - I could eat my meal before it got stone cold.  And hunger wasn't a sensation I felt for 3-4 hours after my meal.
• Yeah, I want that place back.
• I can still eat anything.  But I can now eat a lot more of it.  Still getting hungry according to schedule.
• Drink a smoothie at 7:30am, hungry for lunch at noon. 
• Eat lunch at noon, hungry for snack at 3pm. 
• Eat snack at 3pm, hungry for dinner at 6pm. 
• Eat dinner at 6pm, not hungry but wanting that "something else" like one or two mini peanut butter cups or two mini cookies around 8pm. 
• Eat that "something else" at 8pm and I'm done.
• Yeah, that's still the schedule.  But the amount is much more.  Smoothie - still 6oz.  Lunch - still 3oz of tuna or chicken salad (when I'm at work, which, of course, I haven't been much for the past two weeks).
• I know my lack of routine for the past two weeks is part of this equation.  Routine matters.
• But dinner.  I can eat a big mac.  With all three slices of bread. 
• Usually, when I want a big mac, since banded, I eat only one slice of the bread.  And, no, I don't often want big mac's.  More on that to come, but prior to the situation I'll talk about shortly, the big mac's were a twice since banded thing.  And like I said, one piece of the bun and open faced.  No french fries, no shake, no soda.  Just a sam'ich.
• And along with that big mac...I share a medium fry with my hubby.  And drink a soda.
• Yeah, don't worry about the eating a big mac, seriously.  I'll come to that.  For now, it's a thing of the past.  Seriously.  Don't worry.  It's all been on purpose with forethought to what the bad choice meant, what it represented, what the consequences might be.
• So I guess I'll skip ahead to say that nearly four weeks ago when we got news that things were not good for what should have been our growing baby, well, I still didn't throw in the towel eating wise, per se.
• With being pregnant, my calorie intake did change.  A LOT.  But I was being conscientous and listening to my body and making generally wise choices and it was all working.  I had increased my calorie intake appropriately and I was not out of control.  And, in fact, for all of October and half of November, my weight effectively held steady.  And by effectively I actually mean, to the ounce.  Towards the end, just before the D&C, I actually wound up losing 2 pounds.
• Which got me to 204.
• On November 3rd, it started to sway.
• On November 10th it fell over.
• On November 12th, it was all done for.
• So here's how it went.
• This is my come clean blog, my learning blog, my putting it out there for women that might get pregnant in the future with the band blog.  So I hope that by putting this out there that I can help someone understand something for themselves, as well.
• On October 27th, we went in for our first ultrasound and it wasn't a good event.  In reality, that was when Fred and I started to be able to work on the possibility that we were going to end up with a miscarriage.  My eating didn't change with that event.
• On November 3rd, the ultrasound was, in one harsh word, catastrophic.
• My eating changed.  I gave myself permission to use food however I wanted.  I was not going to be worried about food in light of what we were learning.  If I wanted a big mac, I was going to eat it and not add the additional stress of trying to be a model bandster to what was already on my plate.
• On November 10th, the miscarriage was confirmed.  And while my eating did not change, I was already eating whatever suited me at whatever meal it suited me for...
• I can say, I wasn't grazing between meals any more or less than I ever have post-band.  I was just not worried about the "wise choice" aspect of my eating.
• Like I said, I gave myself permission to allow food to be a comfort.  Notably, that included big mac's (through the duration of this phase, I had 3, one with all the bread, 2 with only one slice of the bun) and ramen noodles.  I also ate only salads for dinner.  And then only pasta.  I opted one day to not eat a single protein source at all, which is not to say I did not get any protein, but it sure wasn't 60g.
• But you know what?  I never stressed it.  I gave myself permission and, now that I am feeling better the permission was revoked.  Permission was revoked last week, in fact.  And it was not a struggle to "go back" because I was ready for it.  I never felt guilty or out of control, in fact, but rather, that I was not stressing over something silly to stress about - in the grand scheme of things.
• It's interesting to me.  I don't think I fell off the wagon in this choosing of mine.  I did it all conscientously.  And I shut it down with specificity when I was ready.  I did not stress it, I did not fight it, I did not feel guilty about it.  I did not worry.  Because I did not worry over it, stress over it, fight it, feel guilty about it, because I felt I was staying in control, because I could and did stop eating when I was full...I feel like I stayed on my chosen wagon.  The wagon that includes that life sucks sometimes.  And we have to do what we have to do to get through it.  And if food can help - and if I can stay in control of it, then what's the harm?
• I'll deal with the aftermath later.
• So what's the aftermath?  Scale tells me 8 pounds in 8 days.  That was what the scale said on Sunday.  8 pounds in 8 days.
• I don't buy that for a second.  I buy that I gained.  I have no idea what it truly is in "fat" though.  I buy that I am retaining water as my body still figures out what normal is and how to get back to it.  I buy that vicodin causes problems.  I buy that my body is still situating and big mac's are full of salt (as are many of the other things I was turning to, ramen, chips, soda, etc).
• And I know that 8 pounds in 8 days cannot all be fat.  I was eating "badly" but I was not eating a ton.  I'm sure I gained.  I know I gained fat, through the whole pregnancy and miscarriage.  I can tell by how my clothes are fitting.  I know my measurements are not the same as pre-pregnancy and I know that not lifting any weights at all since September is part of the reason for that.
• Major learning lesson right there.  I will ALWAYS have to have some for of weightlifting in my routine or the flab will take over.
• I also know that it's moving back downwards. 
• On my scale on Monday - down two pounds.  Means I'm up six overall.
• On my scale today - down two more.  Means I'm up four overall.
• So my body is starting to regulate itself back out.  And who knows how long it will take to settle.  Probably as long as it takes me to get my first (.).
• I think, based on how comments have gone in the past, that I must state absolutely and certainly I am not worried at all about my weight fluctuations right now.  My body has been through a lot of changes since September and if all I've accumulated is 8 pounds of water retention and some exchange of fat for muscle but in general I'm still in the same ballpark that I was pre-pregnancy, well, then WOW!  This will sort itself out and I am not worried.
• I am learning.  And I'm sharing what I've learned.
• I think the very interesting thing here is how much I've changed.  In the past, when something disappointing and grievous happened to me, well, I would turn to food for comfort.  And then the scale would respond to the food type - and the salt - and I'd freak out and throw in the towel.
• And I'm not freaked out at all nor am I throwing in the towel.  I realized that I was in control of ALL OF MY EATING as I was making each decision and I realized that I was ok.  I was not stressing the stupid shite (sorry to be so brash) but it is stupid to worry about food the way we do.  You eat when you are hungry, you stop when you are full.  What's to worry about there?  In the grand scheme of things, we won't get to the end of our lives and say 'dangit, I wish I'd cared more about food'.  Nor will we say 'dangit, I wish I'd cared less about food'.  We will think of all the times we shared meals with loved ones and that WE WERE WITH OUR LOVED ONES.  We will think about our loved ones and how wonderful life can be.
• At least that is what my mom did.  She thought about her time with me, with my step-dad, with my grandmother and grandfather, with my aunts and uncles, with her most cherished of friends.  She thought about THE PEOPLE. 
• And so did my dad.
• And so did my step-dad.
• They didn't think about, 'sheesh, if I hadn't eaten that steak or that snickers or drank that beer....'
• So realizing I've changed is huge.  When I needed to let food be on the backburner, it was.  When I need to put food back on the foreburner because I'm back to losing mode, well, it is.
• I'm realizing, too, that while I think I need a fill, I really just need my body to get back to normal.  Yesterday I made the personal choice to make the personal choice to just not push the limits.  I'd been eating because I could.  Because I wasn't stressing about it.  And while I thought that meant I could choose the big mac's and not stress about it, I hadn't intended to give myself carte blanche to eat because I could.  So the fact that I could, and was on occasion, did scare me a bit.
• But yesterday, telling myself to pay attention to the signals...well...I'd say it worked well.
• Breakfast = 6oz of our smoothie (220 calories, 25g protein)
• Lunch = 3oz tuna salad and 10 nut-thin crackers (275 calories, 16g protein)
• snack = small apple (95 calories)
• dinner = 1 slice of pizza and 1 breadstick (420 calories, 16g protein)
• "that little something" = two mini twix bars. (140 calories, 2g protein)
• 1150 calories and 59g of protein
• So now I know I really can eat the "right" amounts and be fine.
• Feeling like I am back in the realm I want to be in, I'm suddenly back to,  yeah, not so worried about a fill anymore.  I like that I can eat a slice of pizza and any more fill would probably take that away from me.  We rarely eat pizza.  By rarely I mean if it's once a month, that's been a lot.  In this case, given the time frame between September and now, it's been twice.  Overall, since I've been banded (I'll have been banded 8 months in one week) it's been three times.  So really....rarely.
• I think if I get back to mostly wise which means proper protein and fruits and veggies and fiber...then I'm probably still exactly where I want to be.  Interesting, eh?
• This is a long blog.  I've been storing all this for a long time and I want to just get it all out there.  I hope you are learning with me.  This, of course, is all very personal and varies greatly from person to person.  But this is my experience.  Given that I wasn't worried about calorie intakes while I was pregnant and while I wasn't worried about anything food related at all through the miscarriage, this has been stored for awhile.  I was always processing pieces of this in the background, though, noticing little things, putting new things together...and wah-lah, you get a lengthy blog.
• As for the fill.  I know that I want to wait until I'm "normal" again before I get one.  I also know that even if I were normal today and felt like I needed one, that I wouldn't get one.  I've decided that until this skin/incision thing is resolved, nobody will be passing needles through this crap into my port.  If it's an infection, I don't want it passed onto my port. 
• I also know that I want to find my new surgeon now.  There is a local support group that meets once a month or so that I attend.  The meetings are in various member's homes and sometimes it's even at my house.  Anywho, there are two ladies in that group that absolutely love their surgeons so I've asked them who they are and for contact info.  Hopefully my insurance will like either of these guys and hopefully one of these surgeons will accept me.  I know I want to get a new surgeon lined up.
• I also know that my eating is back to my determined "best bet".  The life I want to live is not stressing about protein or calories, not stressing about is it a "good" choice or is it "bad", not stressing about can I eat this bread...but making sure my overall picture on any given day is "enough" protein (~60g), "proper" caloric intake (~1100-1220) and enjoyable. 
• And ya wanna know why we chose pizza?  Cause we had to fix the oven last night and if we didn't get something we weren't gonna eat since we couldn't eat in our house.  So we grabbed a pizza on the way home and ate it and went to work.  And you know what....
• our oven works!!!!
• Happy Thanksgiving to us!
• We decided to not shop for a new one but rather that we would buy the replacement control panel/computer.  But by the time we got off work the parts store was closed so we couldn't buy the new control panel until today.  We decided in the meantime to go home, put the oven back together and then asked a neighbor to bring his multimeter over so we could test a few more things to make sure it wasn't anything else.  So we got the oven put back together and back in the wall and started testing the other things.  All tested fine.  Went outside and tested the breaker.  Tested fine.  Well dangit.  Control panel it is.  Neighbor goes home and finally at 9pm last night we are just sitting down for the first time.
• And then hubby says, I want to turn the breaker on and check it one more time.  So he goes and turns the breaker on, goes in the kitchen, sets the oven to preheat and wanders back to the couch.  We sit there and then hear the beep saying "oven's hot".  So we both timidly walk in the kitchen and we are surprised to see a glowing hot heating element.  And we open the door - and it sure feels warm.  I thought it felt appropriate for the temperature the oven was set to but hubby wanted to check so I get out my thermometer and stick it in the oven and the thermometer agrees with the temp.  Jack the temp up a bit - thermometer agress.  Turn the broiler on - thermometer agrees.  IT'S HOT IN THERE!
• We still have to finish putting the oven completely back together - trim and all that stuff and given that it was nearly 10pm, we said, we'll do it tomorrow.  But it works!  I am sooooo excited.  Way more excited than a person should ever be about an oven, but I am.  I don't hate my oven at all!  And I had other ideas for what I'd do when it had to be replaced (when it was at least a decade old) and replacing it with something similar was not part of that notion.  I like that oven just fine - it's a good oven.
• But I sure won't be using the self-clean function again.
• And that's what I know.  I'm ready for today to be done with.  We are taking a friend to the airport and will leave work a bit early to do so.  Which gives us plenty of time to do our grocery shopping tonight (we were originally planning to do that yesterday but the oven threw a wrench) and get the oven completely back together.  And tomorrow's a half day.  And then it's turkey day!  I'm so excited for turkey day.  I love turkey day the best, I think.  I think it's because of all the wonderful memories I have of working beside my mom as we got ready to serve sometimes up to 60 people in our family room or our beautiful backyard.  We almost always hosted Thanksgiving and I just love what the day always was.  Even the "bad ones" were still wonderful!!!
• You know, those ones where the oven doesn't work and the sink gets plugged up with potato peels because someone decides they can run those through the garbage disposer and and and...
• When you have your family and friends beside you...it just doesn't matter.
• Our guest list is up to 16 and still two possible more.  And possibly 4-5 more for desert.
• And a good football game at 7pm (central) time.
• And a wonderful "cold" front blowing through...
• It's shaping up to be a gorgeous day!