08/27/2012: Just cause I want to...

How was your weekend, y'all?

Mine?  Not too shabby.  So this'll be a two-parter.  Good fun part first.

So Blue and Green are awesome.  Have I told you that lately?  I wish I had a picture from this weekend to add to the post but I don't.  I'll get a few taken this week to share.

Somewhere along the line Green has decided I am the most amazing thing ever!  It seemed for awhile that Blue thought I was the most awesomist person in his life.  He would search for me and wanted to be as close to me as possible at all times.  But he wasn't distraught if he wasn't.  It seemed that perfect balance of pure love and admiration and willingness to have fun when I wasn't around.  We bonded somewhere around 8 months.  It's Green's turn now.

I'd read before they were born that the depth of your love for your babies isn't immediately there.  I didn't know what to expect, to be honest.  Would they be born and I'd suddenly see stars because of being pure, over-the-moon, blissfully happy in love?  Or would it just be.  It seems, from what I read, very few experience that pure, over-the-moon, blissfully happy in love right there in the delivery room.  Most take time to really get attached.  Very very few feel no connection at all.  Which is a good thing.  I think I would have been devastated if my heart didn't explode when I held and met my boys for the first time.

But it's weird.  The chaos of the day of their birth does kind of detract from everything.  My water broke at 1:30am, I was at the hospital by 3am, then spent 2 hours on a monitor to be told nothing was going to happen until my Ob arrived.  He came in at 6am and declared I'd be a c-section and heaven only knew how long I was going to have to wait since it was non-emergent.  Finally, an OR was available at 9am.  45 minutes later, I'd been sliced open and two babies were then unceremoniously yanked out of my belly.  I had a horrible reaction to the spinal - I'd been given BOTH a spinal AND an epidural.  And it was all I could do to keep myself awake for their birth.  Once they were taken out of the OR to go to transitions for a full check-up - and Husby went with them - I did conk out.  I was out of it!

I finally got back to my L&D room around 10:30 and still no babies to be found.  Somewhere around 11:30 it was decided that all was well and I could meet them.  But, I was still in the L&D room.  I was moved to a regular postpartum room around noon and in all the fuss to get settled and checked up by the nurses who would be tending to me, things like "meeting my babies" were still on the back burner.  Finally around 2pm, I think, that was when the nursery finally brought them in and I was finally allowed to hold them.  I was exhausted, mentally and physically, and grandma and grandpa were hovering over me to hold them as well.  Husby also wanted his chance - although, of course, he'd already had a chance in the OR.  But there was this push to hold my babies, look in their eyes - if their eyes were open, which they were - then pass them on.  And really, all I could think was I just wanted a nap.  Get out of my room, visitors, was what I was thinking.  (Of course, the boys were not "visitors".  That was for grandma and grandpa.  A set of Godparents were also with us that whole day and I wasn't even hellbent on chasing them out.  Just grandma and grandpa...)

Nonetheless, holding Blue and Green was beyond awesome!  There was the trick - how do you hold TWO newborns at the same time?  It's easier in the dominant hand to hold a baby than it is in the "weaker" hand - and how do you choose who to hold first given that I do have two hands and I can figure it out.  But other than that momentary "yikes"...nothing will ever compare to that moment.

Until around about 8 months.  When Blue decided I rocked.  It was the most amazing thing when he decided he loved me.  And it's odd.  You just know.  You know that they've gone from seeing you as a caregiver to seeing you as this amazing person who holds a gazillion answers in her hands.  You know they now see you as comfort and peace and fun and happiness in addition to food and water and basic needs.  When Blue decided I rocked fireworks were shooting off in my heart every time he looked at me and smiled.  And he seemed to love what he saw because he did that every chance he could - and he still does.  It is beyond amazing that all I have to do is walk in the room and he will instantaneously be happy and peaceful.

And now.  At 10 months.  When Green is so incredibly attached to me.  The only thing I can do wrong, in his eyes, is put him down/walk away from him.  This morning, trying to get ready to leave for the day I had to put him down for a minute.  Husby was in the kitchen putting lunches together and I'd been feeding Blue and Green.  They were done eating so I put them down to play to go start a load of laundry using the wonderful delay feature.  As I walked away from Green you'd have thought the world was about to end.  So I picked him back up and just took him with me.  Since Blue has already been through this, he seemed to just know and appreciate so he just seems to say "whatevs" and continues on playing.  I love love love that Blue and Green have each others backs like that.  They just know where the other one is, in space and in mind-frame, and they just help each other out - or stay out of each others' ways.  It's just amazing!  But you'd think starting laundry - collecting laundry and then setting up the machine and getting detergent and whatnot in the right bins might be tricky holding a baby.  Nope.  Not Green.  He has this amazing heart melting thing he's doing that goes along with showing me he thinks I'm awesome.  He hugs me.  One little arm around my left shoulder (I hold them on my left hip, if I just have one in my arms) with the hand completely clenched shut around whatever fabric makes up my sleeve.  And the other little arm around my neck with that little hand completely clenched shut around hair or fabric or even skin if there's nothing else to grab onto.  And with two little hands clenched around whatever they can be, the little head nuzzles into my shoulder and he just stays there.  He'll lean back periodically and catch my eyes and just smile - and then nuzzle all over again.

O.  M.  G.

When I'm questioning parenting in about 13 years - I want to remember THIS.  Because THIS is perfection!

When I'm devastated that my baby boys are grown up and going off to college - I want to remember THIS. And then I want to be glad that they are finally old enough that we can be friends.

There's part of me that can't wait for that day.  When the parenting is not the focus and the relationship is.

I knew how awesome that relationship can be with my mom.  My greatest hope of all is that one day in the future, my boys and I can be there, too!

Every day I think "I can't possibly love them anymore than I do today, right now".  And then it happens.  More.  Deeper.  Even more incredible than the last second.  And it's true.  I love them more and more every day - and that's saying a ton because I already love them more than the air that I breathe - and I have since the moment I knew they were growing in my belly.

So there's my good fun awesome part.

Now for my bad ugly horrible part.

Want some news?

Ready?

Endometriosis sucks.

Surprised?

Well, in a weird turn of events....

About a month ago I met a specialist in endometriosis.  He does a type of surgery most ob/gyns won't do.  His thing at the end of the appointment was to try less radical fixes for 8 weeks and see if we could get me some relief without surgery.  And if that didn't work, we'd discuss surgery at my next appt - which is in about 3 more weeks.  Well, over the past month, I've wound up scared to death that he's just going to tell me no surgery, can't help you.  So here's the weird turn of events.

Last week I had to do an MRI and a weird sort of x-ray.  The MRI was of my abdomen.  I'll start there.

I did an MRI of my abdomen.

Ok...moving on.

Next was the x-ray.

Ok, backtracking a bit...they stuck me with an IV for these two images/tests.  That was fun.  The first time she stuck me - she missed the vein.  Rolled right away.  I warned her and everything but she didn't believe me, I guess.  That was an attempt in the elbow region.  Next she tried on the inside of my wrist.  She stuck me - and then stuck the IV straight on through the vein so that when she tried to aspirate and then inject a smidge to ensure she had the vein, she blew the vein out.  THAT HURT.  And it still does.  Just yesterday the bruise finally started to form.  Ugh.  She didn't try the third time.  She had a nurse come in to do it - and he got it on the first shot.  Just ugh.

So, anywho, there I was with this IV.  They did a contrast for the MRI.  And then again for this weird x-ray. The contrast for the x-ray, I was told, would go straight to my kidneys to be filtered out.  They'd get a bunch of x-rays taking one every so often to see where the ureters, kidneys, bladder and urethra are.  Ok...that's interesting, I think.  Not so sure what that has to do with endometriosis, but whatever, the doc knows what he wants.

I'd been assuming the MRI and this x-ray both were to see if scar tissue from the endo is now thick enough to image.  Endo doesn't image at all, they say, but I've also heard that when it's REALLY bad the scar tissue can be thick enough to show up on imaging.  So there I was assuming that was the goal of these tests, to see if I'm "bad enough" yet.

So once she gets everything going and had the radiologist in agreement that we had a good baseline for me (before the contrast was injected) she asks "when's your surgery?"  I said "I don't know, not sure there will be one, doc wanted to give 'other treatments' a try for 8 weeks before talking about surgery".  She said "this doc doesn't order these tests unless he's doing surgery.  The purpose of these are to get the lay of the land so that he knows where he can cut and where he needs to avoid.  These are always done just prior to surgery."

That is really good news to me.  Can you believe that?

I must be on drugs or something...thinking surgery sounds like good news...

But it is!

The "other treatments" I am trying...nothing.  Member the quack doc post?  Well, his quack treatment is doing NOTHING.  A big fat ugly emphatic NOTHING.  Which is no surprise to me.  It's not my diet, folks. I have to see this quack again on Weds and I'm gonna go in there and say "you made a lot of assumptions about what I was eating".  I will tell him that yes, I did stop eating bananas, but that's the extent of what I had  to change to be doing this diet.  And no, my pain is no better.  And yes, in fact, it is worse.  That's all it ever does it get worse.

I am off the pain patches but the pain is going crazy so still working with the pain specialist and probably going to add those back.  And keep on with the lortab to supplement.

I want to be off drugs.  I'm sick of them.  I do not like this.  I miss my life.  I miss feeling good and having energy and being able to do what I want.  It's so ironic that here I am with all this perfection around me and I have to deal with this.  I really really really just want to not.  I want to move on!

Which is why surgery seems like good news.  If this surgeon does his specialty on me, I should feel better.  I should get relief.  I should turn the proverbial corner and get a respite from this for a good while.  No, it won't cure it - there is no cure.  And yes, it will come back - and it will continue to do that until I have a hysterectomy - and it could even come back following a hysterectomy.  But a good surgery - like what this specialist does....that should do more for me than what the "normal" surgery for this did for me.  The normal works for most.  But for the few "lucky" ones, it just makes it worse.  Given that I'm one of those lucky ones, speaks to the level of endo I have.  And that speaks to that I probably will never get out from under this - even following a hysterectomy.  But a good surgery should not aggravate things like the "normal" did for me. And to get it all to quiet down - that would be a good respite.

I have this notion in my head that if I can get it to quiet down - with that good surgery - then it will probably stay quiet until following our next pregnancy.  I have lived with this since I was 14 - that was when I first had a symptom.  It didn't sideline me then.  I did things to keep it in check, unknowingly, yes, as keeping endo in check wasn't the goal, birth control was.  But I was able to keep it in check.  If I can get it back to quiet-ish - which is all it ever was between 14-36 - then I believe I can get it back in check.  And yes, another pregnancy will probably start this all up for me again.

But that's ok.  Because when pink and ivory start in with their hugs...I'll remember why I let it come back/get re-aggravated.  (Yeah, it's gonna be twins again - I'ma gonna will it so.  And yeah, it'll be two girls next time - I'ma gonna will it so, too.  And no, if it doesn't work out that way, I won't be disappointed at all.  Happy and healthy is my true goal.)

So anywho...that's kind of where I am.  Thinking that in about 3 weeks time I'm going to go back to this specialist and he's probably going to say "let's talk surgery".  And I'm gonna say yes please.

Want the science?  (In case you haven't read it elsewhere in my blog or know it some way yourself.)

My "normal" surgery was a laser ablation.  In that, the out of place tissue was burned off.

This good surgery is a resection.  In this, the out of place tissue is painstakingly cut out.

Difference?  Laser ablation is fine if a woman has endometriosis that doesn't go deep into whatever it is connected to.  Problem is, laser ablation literally burns out the bad tissue.  Everything in the vicinity, though, will show burn marks fairly quickly, too, though.  Ever burned a piece of paper?  That which isn't burned is still charred if it had direct contact with what did burn.  Same principle.  Like I said, if there were no roots, if it was all superficial, this works just fine.  Upside - it's quick and relatively inexpensive and it works for 85% of women who have the surgery and it can be done laporscopically.  Downside - for the 15% of women it doesn't work for - it just makes it worse.  Endometriosis loves to grow on scar tissue.  Laser ablation creates scar tissue.  And since the roots are left untouched, it's scar tissue the endometriosis doesn't even have to go searching for.

Problem is - insurance companies pay the same whether it is laser ablation or resection.  Laser ablation is typically done in an hour.  Resection is typically more like six.  If a surgeon does laser ablation, he can do 3-4, sometimes 5 women in one day.  If a surgeon does resection, it's one a day.  If you get paid the same no matter which technique, well, you do the math.  Doesn't make sense to do the resection given that laser ablation works for 85% of women.  So there are very few who do the right way.  But the difference is, laser ablation - it will come back.  Maybe it might be a year, maybe it might be 5.  Resection - if you are the average woman with endo, might actually take care of it.  And if you have advanced endo, resection can still buy you 5 years.

It is curious to me, though. I did some googling yesterday and it appears from blogs and reviews I've found - this surgeon specialist almost always switches from laporoscopic surgery to open surgery.  I think that's an insurance trick.  Open surgery is far more risky and always takes longer - and costs more.

But I don't care.  I'd rather a scar from neck to groin and get this all at the root than leave it in there to grow back again.  Because as I've proven once, it grows in me quickly.  There is a blood marker that gets elevated once you progress into stages 3 and 4 of endo and when that blood marker was last checked on me, it was indicating stage 4.  According to pathology report from my initial surgery I was stage 1.  But I don't believe that the laser ablated sample could have been used for an accurate pathology exam.  It's impossible to get to the root with laser ablation and if he didn't get the sample from start to finish, how would the guy looking through the microscope have known the extent?

Anywho, if it's true...I'll be in the hospital for 4 days.  And I'll be off work for 8 weeks.  And I'll pull the boys out of daycare pretty quickly if that's the case.  A hug from Green and a smile from Blue can help anything recover quickly!  Just a little something for me to look forward to!

Don't worry...I'll keep you posted!  Haha.

Have a great week, y'all!!!