05/14/10: Thoughts

Today feels like a list to me...

1. I fit into my size 18's that I ordered from Old Navy.  You know how Old Navy jeans are snug when you put them on clean and then relax to falling off within an hour?  Well...they are snug when put on clean...so we'll see if they relax when worn.
2. I seem to be between sizes.  My 20's are huge with major saggy crotch issues.  But most of my 18-work pants are still not fitting.  Jeans...somehow...I'm down.  But regular ol' pants appropriate for every other day but Friday...just not quite there.  I hope it happens soon.
3. I need to try on clothes again this weekend.  I'm afraid I'm going to miss out on pants because, for example, I think they are 16's but they are really 18's...I need to organize.  I learned last weekend that things were not the size I thought they were.
4. I think that because I nearly missed out on shorts.  I own 2 pairs of shorts that are size 20 but really fit  more like 18's.  One is a pair of black bermuda like shorts and I hate them.  Just hate them.  I don't think I pull of bermuda's well.  I put them on.  They fit.  I still hate them.  I put on the other pair that are regular ol' khaki like shorts.  And they are falling off me.  I can wear them...but not for much longer.  I forgot I had both them so who knows when I got back into fitting into them.
5. I love my GoWear Fit.  I've been wearing it for about a week now and I'm learning it and it's learning me.  I've nicknamed it GoBe.  He tells me I have yet to have a surplus of calories - or even to break even.  In fact, I've only ever had deficits.  Last week, I had deficits averaging 1200 calories a day between weds-fri.  And yet, being in a deficiti of ~1200 calories a day - over those same three days - I gained 3 pounds!  Yes, I was taking in fewer calories than I was burning by at least 1200 calories and I gained weight.  I was excited!  HAHAHA!  Not!

6. And then...suddenly...over the weekend...with the deficit staying the same...the pounds came back off.  Then...to make it more interesting...I had a deficit one day of only 260 calories...I was sure I would gain...but no...I lost more.
7. Today...following a deficit yesterday of 1800 calories, courtesy of my first fill, I lost over a pound.  So finally, my ticker can move again.  (Pay no nevermind to the lack of sleep - GoBe twisted off my arm.  I assure you I'm getting more than 2 hours of sleep....this thing is impressive though, it knows when I'm tossing and turning and when I'm really sleeping.  It tells me my sleep efficiency, too!)

8. It is interesting learning just exactly how backwards my body can be.  I have not recorded enough data (listen to my scientist nerdy self coming out there - HA!) to start making correlations with what causes me to lose weight.  But in time that will come.  In the meantime, just like the scale, I have another source of humor!  A deficit of 1200 calories causes me to gain weight one day and lose weight on another!  How backwards is that!!!  I am tracking (and graphing) everything in my beloved excel and recording notes about what that day was like for me so that I can start to develop trends.
9. Maybe some day I'll share my handy-dandy spreadsheet with you, too!
10. We have a wedding to attend tomorrow.  I'm looking forward to it.  I have not attended very many weddings in my life.  Maybe about 3-4 outside of my own.  I have 3 to attend just this year.  This will be the first wedding I attend with my husband.  I don't know why but that makes my heart sing!
11. This first fill is interesting.  (I still can't believe I get my next fill in two weeks!)  Last week..."restriction" was gone.  I had been doing a kind of thing with "restriction" where I measured my food and said enough was enough as soon as I could.  Just because I had 4 oz on my plate didn't mean I ate it all.  And it worked.  It was interesting.  Until last week.  I put 4 oz on my plate and at the end of it, I wanted more.  I have been bringing 4oz of chicken, turkey or tuna salad and 3oz of cottage cheese for an afternoon snack - which I generally didn't eat.  Last week, at the end of the week - I had to eat the snack at lunch to feel kinda slightly full.  I also had 4oz of apple sauce...and I had to eat that, too.  So I went from feeling full and satisfied on less than 4oz to eating everything I had access to and wanting more.
12. Some definitions for you so you understand what I am thinking they mean...
13. Full - that sensation you get when your stomach tells your brain you've eaten "enough".
14. Satisfied - that feeling you get when your brain doesn't feel the desire to take just another bite.
15. Yes, full and satisfied on less than 4oz.  Until last week.  And I fought it with will-power the first day or two of this but my stomach growling LOUDLY in class was enough to make me say "why?"
16. Yes, I'm going somewhere with this.
17. So following that afternoon...I said - if you are hungry, then eat.  I don't believe in deprivation and punishment as a weightloss tool.  It leads to bad bad things.  So I ate.  And I even took advantage of it.  It was my anniversary, afterall.  We ate a nice dinner on Saturday night (since we wouldn't have access to a nice restaurant on Monday because of where we were).  We worked our bumms off Friday moving a friend.  We worked our bumms off Saturday taking care of multiple odds and ends.  We even worked our bumms off Sunday getting ready to go.  We mostly relaxed on Monday but our relaxing managed to entail a lot of walking.  We worked our bumms off again on Tuesday with more odds and ends and planting gardens and pulling weeds.  So all this led to high calorie burns which made me feel ok with squelching a growling belly.  Like I said - if I was hungry, then eat.  I feel like it was a window of opportunity perfectly placed.  And overall - from last Tues through this Weds, I did not gain a pound.  What that actually worked out to was Tues-Fri I gained 3.  Sat through Weds, I lost those 3 and some change.  As of yesterday, it's dropping again...courtesy of a fill.
18. Ok...so where's this going?
19. Tues last week through Thurs of last week I fought it and I tried to deprive myself.
20. Fri of last week through Tues of this week, I ate, I did not deprive myself, I was eating between 1 and 1.5 cups a meal and sometimes snacking in between.  I was cognizant of what was going in and sometimes I chose the bad thing (like chocolate) on purpose.  But I was never satisfied.  I would finish one meal and immediately start thinking about what and when for the next meal.  And that has been my modus operandi for my entire life.  My whole family does that.
21. Prior to last Tues, when I was satisfied on less than 4oz, I did not start thinking about the next meal until my belly started to tell me I was hungry. 
22. Following the fill on Weds, I have noticed I am back to not thinking about the next meal.  It was yesterday, in fact, that I realized I was not thinking about what was next.  And then I realized...I had done that for awhile after surgery, too.
23. I also can say about myself that this planning what's next all the time, that I've done forever, also leads to cravings.  When I'm satisfied, I am finding that cravings are missing.  But take away satisfaction and I also start craving random things - which sometimes leads to planning, other times leads to binging.
24. I also have noticed a few times where I was satisfied but not full.  And that works, too.  Satisfaction is what I want, not necessarily fullness. 
25. So how does the band help with satisfaction?  Is this nuts?  Whatever it is, I am certainly not complaining!  I love it!  I love what I'm learning, I love how I'm feeling, I love where this is taking me, I am thoroughly enjoying this ride!!!