07/27/10: Thoughts

Random thoughts so list order today....

1. I've been meaning to get this out there for a week now but with the migraine last week...sorry...it's just getting out there now...
2. The main thought for today...I have effectively had a month of no weight loss.  Some might call that bad.  I'm THRILLED!  I wasn't trying to lose weight.  I wasn't doing anything to lose weight.  I was just being.  I was enjoying my vacation, I was busy-bodying through a number of things...and really, this "month" ran from June 7 through July 19 - so really, more than a month.  July 19 and onwards is when I really started working on my food to be "weightloss enabling".
3. What does "weightloss enabling" mean?  It means I am cognizant and caring of my portions.  It means I am working on avoiding grazing.  It means I am not justifying a candybar as "well, I've worked hard this week and my calorie count for the day is low".  "Weightloss enabling" also means, to me, that I am truly using the tool that my band is.
4. So for a month...I didn't care.  I was absent-mindedly aware of portions.  I was grazing.  I was not exercising for a variety of reasons.  I was not doing anything to lose weight, I was just being.  My just being was necessitated by "classes" and travel and life being out of the norm (but oh so wonderful and exciting). 
5. And I did not gain any weight back.  I didn't lose.  I wasn't trying to.  I didn't gain.  I wasn't trying to.  I was trying to be.  And I was.
6. That, to me, is what maintenance should be, when I get there.  And I just had a sampling of it.
7. Life before the band - if I was just being, I was gaining weight.  Now, I just finished a month and a half of just being and I maintained.  That has me so super-major excited!  When I can follow a routine, things are fine.  Things go whacky when the routine is erased or wiped out.  And my routine, as is anyone else's, gets dictated by life sometimes.  The band is amazing! 
8. I did not set out to see if maintenance was going to be what I thought it was going to be.  I, actually, had set out, on June 7, with the mindset that I was just going to keep doing what I'd been doing...eating mostly right...exercising...because A LOT of good things come from both of those actions/awarenesses.  But it wasn't doable with that danged Turkey Shoot and it's taken me this long to get myself "righted".  But, now, looking back, I see that time period for what it was - a glimpse of what maintenance will be like, in my case.  And while I don't ever want to slip back to my "badness" for good...a little bit of it won't kill me.  Life is too short to spend it worrying about what I'm eating or whether I'm exercising "enough".  I want to do that as a second nature, not as a stressor.  And while it's not quite second nature, it's getting there. 
9. In the past, I wouldn't have come back around as quickly - if you'd consider 6 weeks "quickly".  In the past, I would have gone off the bandwagon, if you want to consider it that, for whatever reason, and I'd have started to gain...and then I'd get depressed/frustrated...and then I'd throw in the towel.  Not gaining this time...that's huge!
10. In that time span of 6 weeks...I drank sodas.  Yep.  Bad little bandster.  I was having one a day, on average.  In my classes, we were given free sodas...you could just walk to the fridge and grab one.  We were actually asked to limit our water because the water bottles were so much more expensive.  So I got in the habit of one soda in the afternoon.  And that carried over to home life once I was done with those classes.
11. I drink soda.  I always will.  A shockingly cold cream soda on a hot day is just danged good.  I won't EVER say I will never have one of those.  A shockingly cold, nice, crisp Dr. Pepper is refreshing.  That peppery bite...just does something for me.  Not every can I open does that...I have to not drink them all the time to get that peppery refreshment...and I've learned how to control that in myself and that's progress.  Before the band, before getting ready for the band, I drank 3 (or more) sodas a day.  Not diet.  Not zero.  Not anything other than full soda.  I know, now, that my calorie intake problem was from those sodas.  My biggest problem, anyway.  They add up FAST!
12. Just like staying on budget.  Ever noticed that it's all the little things that screw a budget over.  Not the regular things like electric bills and cable bills and mortgages.  No.  It's the trip to Cheddars here.  The trip to Kim Hai there.  The quick lunch at Sonic then.  The random trip to Kroger for cheese afterwards.  It's so minimal you don't think much about those...but at the end of the month...when you are balancing your checkbook...it's THOSE then and there's that make the budget blow up.
13. Learning how to eat better has also made me look more closely at my budget.  Controlling my intake has also given me clues to better control the household budget and saving is now easier than it's ever been!
14. Anywho.  Back to soda.  I'll always drink it.  I even drink them while eating.  I know. Bad bandster.  Smack me.  I don't care.  You can say what you like but in MY case, drinking a SMALL (read small) sip of soda can help, as I say, "tickle the food down".  It forces a burp.  And the action of that burp, if I can visualize my esophagus and my stoma, relaxes the stomach enough to let whatever is stuck through.  I have had two times where my small sip resulted in food NOT going down, but I've had hundreds of times where it helped.  That's just me.  You can say it's bad and it's wrong and I'll believe you in your case.  But for me, a small sip of soda HELPS me.
15. Well, because I've been so tight...I've been grabbing my daily soda to drink with my dinner.  I'd open it and use it if I needed to.  Most of the soda would go down the drain because if I didn't need it, I wouldn't drink it and once I'm done eating, I do wait 30 minutes to drink anything more.  And 30 minutes later, the open soda would be warm and flat.  So it would get tossed.  On average, out of a 12oz can, I've been drinking about 1/3 of it.  Yes, I've even gone as far as measuring what I'm throwing away so I can log it and count it in my daily calories.
16. Anywho.  Now that I'm thinking I'm a big part of my problem, I'm not letting myself get that soda any longer.  I've now gone 4 days without a soda.  Prior to last month's classes...I was allowed one a week.  I am working on getting back to there.  Last night, after my wonderful workout I wanted something.  And a soda could be that something.  But, I thought, I don't want to use up my soda for the week on Monday.  Monday is the start of my week...and if I drink it on Monday...well....
17. Back, before the classes...I was doing something similar...and there were quite a few times where it got to Sunday and I just didn't want the soda...and so no sodas were drunk that week.
18. It's interesting "getting back on the wagon".  It's like now I have an opportunity to take what was working (before the classes) and I can also make some changes and try something new.
19. Like candybars.  I, apparently, am developing a sweet tooth.  I seem to be coming in, on an average day, at 800 calories a day.  I just can't eat more, am not interested in it, can't do it, can't make it happen.  But it's not enough and I know that.  And at 8:30 when I want that last little something...a candy bar is what I'm turning to. 
20. About two weeks ago we decided to buy the little bite sized bars.  We got three or four different kinds, two I wanted and two my hubby wanted.  We were allowed one a day.  So I was getting one....of each....
21. Oops.
22. We ate those up and I said...how about we just get one normal size candy bar when we go grocery shopping each week.  And if we eat it that night, then it's done.  And if we save it for later in the week, then there it is.  And my hubby said, sounds good.  So we did.  And that's working.
23. But who am I that I all the sudden want candybars?  I don't like chocolate or sugary sweet things.  And yet...here I am...wanting it.
24. I will say, I've had spans in the past where I wanted candy.  And it lasts about a month or so...and then it goes away as suddenly as it started.
25. I will say that I hope it goes away soon.
26. But I'm not going to deprive myself.  Much as I probably should, in this case, if I demand to myself that I CANNOT...then I will go crazy with wanting it.  Whereas if I satisfy the craving and let this insatiable need for sugar be satisfied, historically I know that for myself, it will work itself out.
27. But I consider that a bandwagon issue, too.  As much as I can say historically, yada yada yada...it's also not like me....
28. And yet...even with eating candy bars (daily, for two weeks) and drinking sodas and not caring about portions, so much, and not exercising...I DID NOT GAIN WEIGHT.
29. Do you know how exciting that is?
30. Because even though I didn't care about portions, so much, I still was eating less than half of what I used to.
31. Because even though I wasn't exercising, I was active because I felt better carrying almost 50 pounds less than I was this time last year.
32. Because even though I was drinking sodas, I was only allowing myself one a day and usually didn't drink all of it.
33. Because even though I was eating candy bars, well, I was eating too many of them and if I hadn't done that, I probably would have lost...but who cares...because I didn't gain...and I enjoyed my Twixes.
34. The number of this bullet is the age I am today.  In one week and five days...
35. I will be this age.
36. My husband turned this past weekend what I will turn on Aug 8 .  We are saying that by the time that we are the age of this bullet...we will have a baby.  That is our hope. 
37. I pray to God that we can have a baby.  We are very actively trying right now.  I'm obsessed with what my body may or may not be telling me.  I keep googling random things that are happening to see if it could mean I'm....
38. Why can't science come up with a test that tells us news faster?
39. One of my friends at work just came back from a month long vacation.  Before he left, I was in class.  I haven't really seen or talked to this guy since the beginning of June.  He told me yesterday that it was really showing in my face.  He told me today "You are looking lean and mean".  Things are definitely flatter.  Wanna hear something funny?  My stretch marks are moving UP.
40. Yes.  UP.  They used to be beside my belly button.  Now they are above my belly button.  And there's not nearly as much jiggle as there used to be.  Not done by a long shot...but it's definitely better.  I'm not conscientous of walking naked in front of my hubby anymore.  He's seen a lot of naked recently.  And that's with eating candybars!  Good Lord I love this band!

Have a great day, y'all!