02/01/11: So then

It was really hard for me to write that blog yesterday.  It was scathingly, burningly difficult for me to click "publish post".  I would have rather kept all that in and not revealed any of it to you.  I'd rather you think good things about me.

I realize, though, that you don't necessarily not.  Not that you do or don't but if you think good things about me, it's because I've shown you that I'm worthy of those thoughts.  You don't give them to me arbitrarily and I realize that.  So, I guess that should say, I realize, though, that you do, but not "just because", but "because".

Anywho.  That was hard to publish.  All afternoon and evening I wanted to take it back down.  And I've fought with myself to just let it be out there, to let you read it.

But then your comments started coming in.  And each and every one of them has made my heart smile.  You get it.  You really do.  You all took the time to affirm me and didn't try to tell me I was wrong, except for when you pointed out, nicely, that I was wrong.  That blog did not fall on deaf ears or empty hearts.  And while it hurt to publish it, I mean, IT HURT, well, the end result is a warm fuzzy feeling that is giving me motivation back!

Good Lord, what a difference a good blog can make!

And then, I also realize, there is more to add.  More stuff I'd like to pretend doesn't bug me but stuff that is eating at me, nonetheless.

So, without any further ado, here are more things stirring in my brain causing me to not be the me I know I can be.

I suck item #4.  The incision "infection".  I literally cannot do ab work without aggravating/making worse this thing that will not go away.  So where does this stand?

We have essentially ruled out that it is an infection.  They are still, literally, 10 weeks later, watching the culture to see if anything grows.  Most cultures will show something after six weeks (if it's a microbacterial problem) and mainstream bacteria show within days.  So we are 99% confident, my dermatologist tells me, that it's not bacterial.  That's ok.

The itching has never subsided and acne is a prevalent problem all over my stomach now.  The thinking is that the steroid creams are causing the acne and apparently I'm super sensitive to steroid creams. 

Well, see, I never was before.

So, the incision issue is probably a particularly sensitive sensitivity (like that?) to the sutures.  Probably to the internal sutures.  So now I know for the future to tell surgeons to stay away from monocryl with me.  In the meantime, that does nothing to help me with this.  Here I am nearly 10 months later still dealing with this.

So the current path, given that steroid creams initially help and ultimately make it worse, and given that the itching is horrific, we are now injecting steroids into the incisions.  That does two things.  Destroys the scar tissue and should alleviate the itching.  For now, we just did (like that I'm using "we", like I am doing this) one of the smaller incisions and if it doesn't produce an horrific acne response, they'll inject the remaining incisions.

I can say, that small incision is flat as flat can be and doesn't cause a speck of itching any longer.

But I am still absolutely frustrated that I am having to deal with this!  And steroid injections as the cure is great, but it does put off the getting pregnant thing.

I'm not getting any younger.

It's depressing.

Yes, some of you will say I'm not old.  And you are right, I am not.  But for pregnancy, I'm sorry, but I am not getting any younger.  Yes, I can have a safe pregnancy delivering a healthy baby at my age.  But risks run amuck at 35.  And it's scary.  That's all.  The scariness BOTHERS me.  That's all.  (Note*** don't tell me not to worry on this one.  I'm sorry, I am gonna.)

Anywho, back to the steroid injections, the other thing...see, the culture was taken on one of the smaller incisions - which are not the problem.  They aren't happy incisions, but the main incision is the one that has the issue, the one that has had the festering wound, the one that is bubbly and just generally looks bad.  Anywho, we really need to do another culture to truly rule out infection.  But my dermatologist is worried that doing a skin punch of the main incision will "ruin the lap-band".  I keep assuring him the tubing is behind stuff and the port is below the incision.  But he isn't willing to "ruin things".  The thinking with the steroid injections is that if it is an infection, the steroids will blow the infection up - and then we can deal with antibiotics.  If it's not an infection, then hopefully the steroids will just make it all better.

Anyway.  Like I said, here I am nearly ten months out still dealing with this.  It's too much.  And given that I am not losing weight and not really motivated to do so - yes, there are days when I wish I hadn't been banded.  The days when hormones take over and I can't get a bite of food in, I have to ask, what's this all for?  When I learn my cholesterol is at an all-time high...what's this all for?

It's depressing.

I suck item #5.  My parents both died by the time I was 31 - so bad genes.  And they left every last bit of their assets to other people.  Do you know how bad that makes an only-child feel when the only-child learns that neither parent cared about their long-term security?  Most of the time this means nothing to me.  I say things like "Fighting for the houses and the money won't bring them back, so who cares; it's really my parents that I want" or "It's just money, I'll make my own".  And most of the time I mean those things.  But sometimes it just hurts.  It just hurts that my mom created a trust to protect me - and then left everything to my step-dad who had full rights to change the trust; which he did - to give it all to his sons.  And I could do nothing but watch my step-brothers become very comfortable.  On money that was earned by my mom and my dad.  Or my dad, who wrote a fake will while mad at me when I was 16 and behaving like a typical 16 year old.  And after he died, my step-mom knew it was "the wrong will" - or so she told me, but for the life of her, she couldn't find the real one.  She knew, she told me, that the will that went to probate, was not his intentions.  Nonetheless, it was the only court-approved document and it was what went on record. 

Most of the time this doesn't bother me.  Most of the time it's not an issue.  But about two weeks ago we went to visit a friend's mom.  Our friend's parents have been married for 40 years and one week before Christmas, our friend's dad came home and told his mom that he was leaving her for another woman and he was leaving the next day.  This other woman was his college sweetheart and he wanted to try and revive what they had back then.  They'd been having a long-distance relationship for five years and wanted to make it real.  So the whole family has been turned upside down, as you can imagine.  We love this friend's mom so we went to visit.  And while there, her biggest concern in their divorce was that the assets don't get taken away from the children.  She was fighting for what was fair not to protect herself but to protect her children.  It's things like that which remind me of what neither parent did for me.  Neither parent cared to protect me.  I don't even think it needed to all go to me, it could have been shared and everyone would have been comfortable.  But I was essentially left out of both my mom's estate as well as my dad's.  Sometimes things happen around me that stir up the feelings that go along with that.  Most of the time, that just lies in the background.

What I can take away from that is what I will never do to my own children.

But wait, I don't have any.

Dang.

I suck item #6....well...I'm done.  That's just all the stuff that's been festering around in my pea brain for a little while.

A lot of what you all said in comments yesterday really helps.  I'm not posting this particular blog to drudge up more, per se, although, that's what I've done.  I'm posting it because it goes together.  And the five items, three from yesterday and two from today, are part of why I've lost my mojo.  I have to get them back in check, I know that.  And you are right, those of you that said this, putting this out there is owning it.  I'm not trying to hide it anymore.  Normally I do and can own all this stuff and normally I'm alright.  So I'm taking it back.  I'm telling my i-suck-itis - "I own you."  Now bow down and behave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, with that out of the way, I'll tell you how the conversation with my husband went.  I said, why do you think I have the power to fix you?  I can't fix you - I can only fix me.  You can't fix me, you can only fix you.  And we both need to be fixed.

Ok, that's not really what I said, but it was pretty damned close.

We had a good talk.  We figured out a way to handle eating out without eating out ruling us - which it has lately.  We agreed on a plan and we both think it's a great plan.  See, we love to eat out.  We love to try new foods and new restaurants and just the act of going out to eat is a nice change of pace.  But we don't want it to be "I don't want to cook, so let's go out".  We want it to be a treat!  So we are saying that for however many Saturdays there are in the month, that's how many times we get to eat out.  If we move that particular week to Friday night, ok, whatever.  If we get to the end of the week and we haven't eaten out - it doesn't roll over, we "lose" it.  If we have something like February 9th (4th anniversary of the day we met) then we can adjust our "Saturday" to that day and enjoy ourselves at the restaurant where we met - true story. 

So, if we get 5 eating-out's in a month and we only eat out 4 times, then the next month we don't get an additional trip.  And at the beginning of the month, we are going to sit down and say we want to eat at these five places so we have that particular treat to look forward to, to work for, even.

Basically, we are going to plan.  And if it's not in the plan, that's that.

We are also going to get out carbs back in check.  I had a span last year where I was not craving carbs at all.  You could put bread in front of me and I didn't care.  You could put a potato in front of me, french fries, rice, pasta, all of it, and I didn't care.  I could serve myself 1 ounce of whatever it was and chances were, I probably wouldn't get around to eating it.  I would go back for more veggies before I'd eat that 1 ounce of carbs.

I want that back!  I know, now, what it's like to not have carbs be a compulsion.  And I know that where I am right here, today, carbs are back to being a compulsion.  I want the control back!  It was so nice!!!

So last night, we went out to eat for a carb fest!  :)  We had actually already planned the eating out aspect.  But then I decided to over-indulge on the carbs.  You wanna quit smoking, 'they' ask?  Then smoke way too damn many cigarettes in a day.  You'll put the cigarettes down, I promise.  It'll be 3-4 days before you want another - and then you can ask yourself why?  So we ordered loaded fries for an appetizer, baked potato soup, and salmon with mashed potatoes for dinner for me. 

Why am I telling you this?  Because those loaded "fries" were more like potato wedges in a rough chop than fries.  And I didn't think I could eat that many but was surprised that my hubby and I nearly finished that plate.  Towards the end of eating them...I took a potato chunk...and I chewed it all of once.  So there are two chunks going down the gullet loaded with cheese and bacon.  And they went down.

So I think I need a fill!

A potato chunk should not be able to get through!

Two weeks ago I couldn't eat anything.  Now I can eat without chewing.

We also talked about my husband and the grocery shopping.  Believe it or not, he loves to grocery shop - and I generally don't.  So I put a list together through the week and over the weekend he goes and does the shopping.  Normally, he sticks to the list.  So if I don't put ice cream on the list, I don't get ice cream.  And normally I don't want ice cream.  Last week, he came home with an half gallon of ice cream thinking it would help me feel better.  Well, it didn't solve the headache, but I've sure enjoyed the ice cream.  Problem is 1) that's enabling and 2) that doesn't help weightloss.  So we talked about why we don't need to be bringing in ice cream.  It's not that we can't have it.  But it's a treat that has to be earned - like eating out.  And it also has to be budgeted (calorically) and when I'm eating loaded potato chunks at a restaurant, I don't need to go home and eat ice cream!

I think my husband and I are more on the same page now.  He said he needs me to have these conversations with him, occasionally. 

And finally...

I love winter!  Last night we had to run the AC cause it was so muggy and humid.  Our temps climbed over the night last night.  When we went to bed, it was 62.  When we woke up, it was 68.  And 100% humidity.  You can't open the windows in that, so the AC was on.  Tonight our low is 24.  Friday it might snow.  Only in Texas can you need the AC one day and the heater the next!

I hope everyone is staying warm in this crazy weather!

And, again, thank you all for taking the time to comment on my last blog.  You all helped me more than I can ever put into words!