For the past few months, I've really been reflecting on strong and what it means to call someone strong. And the best I can come up with is:
A strong person doesn't lose themself in spite of all the problems and turmoil they've ever faced.
I am strong because, for example, after my mom died - I wanted to go bury my head in the sand and act like the world sucked and be miserable. But I didn't.
People who have had "blessed lives" - no death, no personal crimes, no loss, no natural events, you know, blessed lives - they just don't know how they would behave in the face of such things. Apparently since I've lost immediate family members, have been raped, have endured a miscarriage, have been through hurricanes and earthquakes - and in general, have not been "blessed" - and in spite of all that, I'm still me - that's what makes me strong.
But I disagree.
For starters, I disagree in that I think I am blessed. I keep coming out of these things with my life! I have my dream-come-true Husband to share my life with. I have a great job and a beautiful home. I have the best dog in the world - sorry for yours, but it's true. I have great friends who don't want me to change. I have. That's all there is to it. That's pretty darned blessed!
I also disagree because, what does losing it accomplish? My mom died in 2004. I wanted to bury my head in the sand and act like she'd just gone on an extended vacation and that someday, eventually, she'd come back and be my best friend again. But what does that accomplish? It doesn't pay the bills. It doesn't make me happy. It doesn't relieve the sadness. Burying my head in the sand simply doesn't do anything.
So I carry on.
I was raped. Ok. What next? Am I supposed to hate all men? What does that accomplish? That hurts me. Yes, I had issues from being raped, same for with losing my mom. But you deal with it.
In the meantime, I've learned to live in the moment, I've learned to discern character much better before I invest myself in the relationship, I've learned how to watch out for my needs. I, honestly, don't know many 35 year olds like me. I wouldn't wish my lessons on them, either. Most of the time, I long to be a typical 35 year old with the typical views and the typical issues. From all of my turmoil, though, I've learned that life happens at different paces for everyone. I've been blessed to get a real life view of the world before I was 30 - while some don't get it until they are well past 60.
How is that strong, though? Because I don't fly off the handle and lose it? Because I've maintained a happy go lucky persona throughout? Because I still know what I want and I still pursue it like it matters?
It's a funny thing to be called strong. The reality is, I so am not. Yes, I deal with life. That, to me, does not make me strong. To me, in my head, I am as fragile as they come. I need affirmation, as do all people. Most people can get that affirmation from their mothers and their fathers. I no longer have that option - so I have to seek it out from others who don't know that's what I need. I need security. Most people have not endured a personal crime and don't really think a second's thought about that. I need structure and control and a plan - something I didn't need before my life became my life as I know it.
All of these needs, to me, do not indicate strength. Instead, they show just how much I own my fragility.
So am I strong because I know how fragile I am? Does anyone else know their own fragility? Truly, deeply?
It's a funny thing, to be called strong. What makes you think I am strong may actually be the same thing that makes me think I am not. What makes you think I am weak may very well be the thing that lets me know I can survive.
If I am being called strong because I am able to carry on in spite of it all, well, then I am strong. Because, really, what's the alternative?
This blog isn't meant to do anything. This has just been swirling around in my head for a few months and I kinda want to get it out there. People have always called me strong. When I was in my early 20's I just dismissed it. When I was in my late 20's I was baffled by it. When I was in my early 30's I tried to discount it, argue reasons why I am not. And only recently, I am starting to define, for myself, what "strong" might really be.
All I know is I don't really have a choice. More specifically, the alternative isn't an option.
Great post Lori! I have always had people tell me how strong I am too, I always felt like a fraud, because I knew how fragile I was, you articulated this beautifully! Thank you.
ReplyDeleteWhat a fantastic post! You are definitely a strong woman - I always think of the tree - and it's the tree that has been buffeted by the winds, blown around and bent at the trunk - THAT is the strong tree, ready to take on anything!
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks SO MUCH for your encouraging words on my blog today, with my new fun medical condition. I SO hear you on the soda pop thing...I'm down to 1 a day, and my goal is to go to none. I hope. How do people do it??!!!
Have a FANTASTIC weekend, you strong woman, you! ;)
Love this post! I suppose strong could mean different things to different people. I think you've layed out your definition beautifully. Don't forget about the physically strong too. With all your weight lifting (true - you took a brief hiatus), you're certainly physically strong as well.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about those life lessons. Truth be told, as horrible as they are, they helps shape you into the person you have become, yet not defining who you are. We have shared a lot of life lessons. When I was in high school my best friend was shot and killed by her step father. My boyfriend died in a car accident that I would have been in with him if I had not just gotten into a big blow up fight with him. In my first go round in college I was also sexually assaulted. When pregnant with my daughter I was thrown in front of a moving vehicle by someone who was suppose to care for me. When I had my daughter I almost lost my life. Through all these experiences I had people telling me how strong I was, and I just wanted to yell at them and tell them I didn't WANT to be strong. I also understand needing that affirmation as well. You are a wonderfully strong person, but at the same time, it is okay to not always be strong!
ReplyDeleteI love this...very eloquent but simply spoken.
ReplyDeleteBut you are strong. And an example to everyone that we can survive. Thanks for sharing and being you. We really care. I am so sorry for all the hardship/pain/crap you have had to endure but you still have a positive outlook. So many just give up in life and spirit. But you took it all in and moved on. Good for you.
ReplyDeleteYour last sentence says it all "the alternative isn't an option." Words of a strong person.
ReplyDeleteI just had this conversation with someone today about how "strong" I am and how much I've been through. Been through more than most people in their entire lifetime just in the last ten years. But you are so right. What is the alternative? Give up? Crawl into a hole? Some people do you know. They become hermits, closed off. I can do that for a day or so but it doesn't last long. Life is hard. It's how you handle the tough times that defines you.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! Its all about moving forward.
ReplyDeleteCan I just say - I've read this post about 60 times and I'll read it 60 more I'm sure. I have ALWAYS attached the word strong to you. You are the epitome of strong to me..even when you don't feel it yourself. And you Lori - make ME stronger in your actions and words. They are never lost on me. Ever. I love you.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post. It really spoke to me. I've always had people tell me how strong I am and I've never quite gotten it. At different points in my life I've reacted in different ways, but more recently I've come to mostly own it. I am strong - and though I've never thought of it in those same eloquent terms - but it's because the alternative isn't an option... Duh!!
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