12/10/10: Peace

I am at peace, but I am struggling.  Does that make any sense?  It doesn't to me.  And yet it does.

(Disclaimer here, not a funny happy go-lucky post...but I think it ends well, so I hope you'll read.)

I am at peace...the season is helping, that I know.

I am struggling, still with this miscarriage, with the news of my aunt (it is terminal but she may have 3 years or more), with keeping my mind looking forward and not relishing what may or may not have ever been.

I am struggling because I guess I want assurances that I will  have a child.  And I have no assurances.  I won't know that I will until I do.  A coworker who's cubby sits next to mine became a grandparent two days ago.  His daughter had her first child.  I've endured two days now of everyone coming over to congratulate him, to see pictures, to hear how well the birth went.  It's been incredibly hard to hear, not because I am not excited for him.  But because I should still be excited about what should be coming in June.

And this all leads to this fear.  This incredible, insatiable fear that I won't be blessed with children.  I almost feel like I should say, "fine, I choose not to" so that at least I can feel like it was my choice.

But that's not my choice.  I want kids.  Multiple. 

My sister in law had her baby at the end of last week.  She wrote me an email yesterday in response to one I sent her letting her know I was thinking of her.  At the end of her email she claimed "we are so happy to be parents".  That's great...you've been parents for all of five days...what in the world is it you think you know about being a parent?  It's exciting times...but come on...you have a gazillion years ahead of you.  Who is not happy at this time?  Would I have not been?  Is that the implication?

And then I realize...I'm seething about this comment...because I don't know that I'll ever get the title "parent".  And that will, quite frankly, devastate me.  Furthermore, the reality is that comment isn't about me.  That I know!

But oddly, as I go through these emotions and try to understand and make sense and make peace, I discover that I am at peace.  Somehow. 

How, you ask?  When such scathing things are floating through my mind?

By getting my weightloss (or lack of a gain) back under control, that actually helps me to feel like all of it is going to turn around.  Maybe I will never have kids, I won't know that overnight.  And maybe I will.  All I can do is look forward and get back to trying and keep on hoping.  I know that my aunt's prognosis is not good - but we still have time to spend with her and memories to make.  Her prognosis of 3 years is more than my mom had.  And my mom and I were still able to make many wonderful memories and spend some great time together in the time that we did have.  I now know (as if I ever didn't) that I must make time for my aunt.  That I must grab onto my family with fervor - all of them, not just this one who happens to know of a fate that may or may not apply to her story.

Cause, at the end of the day, we still don't know what will kill her - or any of us.  She could be in a car wreck on the way to a chemo treatment.  We don't know.  But this prognosis tells me to forget the ideal and grab onto the real.  And the real is that she exists, she is still herself, I can still spend time with her.

The real is that I am not past my fertile years - not anywhere near past - and I can try and I'm just scared right now because I'm still not regular and I simply don't know what's going on with my body.

The real is that I am excited about my new niece and can't wait to meet her - as soon as my hubby and I beat these latest colds.

The real is that I am excited about my coworkers new grandchild and my cousins new baby (also born last week).

The real is that I have a wonderful life and nothing is passing me by.

The real is actually quite peaceful.  It's the ideals that can get pretty scary.

So throw them out and move on.  Embrace the real - love the journey - find the peace.