But...
But...
But...I don't feel all merry and warm inside. I feel drudgery in going to friends' homes for dinners and get-togethers. I feel relief in knowing that I'm not actually hosting a party this year. I feel sanity in having a day parked on the couch on Saturday and terror at knowing that my Sunday wasn't exactly the same. It's an odd sort of sense. I'm ready for Christmas....and yet...it's passing me by.
The joy isn't there.
I went to church yesterday. We attend church at the church where we were married. This church is where my husband was confirmed. He moved away and was not anywhere near this church when he met me. And there I was...living two miles from it. The same pastor that confirmed my husband is the one who married us. I love knowing that we have this history in this church. Anywho, this year, we've not been good about going to church every Sunday. And it's a goal to change that. We love our pastor and usually feel uplifted after attending services. So, yesterday, finally, we made the first step in changing our habits.
It was a beautiful service. The Nine Lessons of Christmas with the choir and orchestra and bell choir all taking part. For each lesson there was a musical element immediately following. It was all very uplifting and beautiful. At one point in the service, I couldn't help it...I sat there balling my eyes out. I couldn't control myself for the life of me. My poor hubby was looking at me wanting to know how to help - and he did the best thing he could have - he just touched me. Put his arm around my shoulders and tried to comfort me. But, quite simply, I can't find comfort right now.
It's so disturbing to be ok and yet to be so not ok.
((HUGS)) With all you've been throguh, it's no wonder you're not quite feeling the spirit of the holiday this year. Hang in there! There's still plenty of time before Christmas for the wonder of the season to hit you. And if it doesn't...there's always Easter, Memorial Day, Arbor Day, my birthday...
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that you have a church to attend. I hope it brings you some comfort.
ReplyDeleteMy church does a special "Blue Christmas" service every year. This is a really hard time of year for many people. It's no wonder you aren't feeling the Christmas spirit with all you've been through.
Ah I get it - I think you're in another grieving stage...okay, but not okay. Questioning but finding the answers. This too shall pass...you know that.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for taking time to comment on my whiny post. I know what I'm going through is such a small thing compared to what you are dealing with. I'm sorry that you aren't able to fully enjoy the holiday, but hopefully you can find some comfort in your church.
ReplyDelete