04/23/10: hmmm

A couple things today.

1. I drank 4oz of my smoothie this morning and I was stuffed.  I mean, like, I could not take another sip or even remotely try to finish it.  I had to give the rest to my hubby so that it wouldn't get wasted.  I love my smoothie!  That made me sad!
2. I think I'm failing this band miserably already.
3. I've been plugged up since Monday, when I was gushing, and I think if I could get moving again, I will probably lose a lot of weight.
4. I think I'm a failure.
5. I'm beating myself up because I'm eating food - when I'm still supposed to be on liquids.  I'm beating myself up because I didn't do very well on the pre-op diet - when I knew it was temporary.  I'm beating myself up because from where I sit, it appears I'm not really committed to this - and how can I not be committed after going as far as having surgery?
6. I ate bread last night.  Dipped in olive oil.  It was good.  I regret it.
7. I really have no idea what I'm doing and I'm sorry for making it seem like I do.
8. I'm scared.
9. I need help.

So item 1.  That trips me out!  Yesterday I backed down to 8oz (from 12oz on weds) and I wanted to see how long it held me over.  Weds, 12oz, ate lunch at noon.  Yesterday, 8oz, ate lunch at noon.  Now I'm saying to myself that since I have no restriction right now, shouldn't, I was just banded, right?, well, then I can eat when I'm hungry - but I'm trying to keep it to 4oz.  So 8oz did the same as 12oz.  I wanted to back down to 6oz today - but it doesn't matter.  I couldn't finish 8oz.  I just couldn't do it.  I was stuffed!  I think I gave 2oz to my hubby so in effect, I think I did get 6oz - certainly didn't get 8oz - but I don't know precisely what I got.  We'll see when I want lunch today.  Yesterday I also didn't have two afternoon snacks, I only had one.  I upped the cottage cheese from 2oz to 3oz.  And that did the trick.  I had it around 3 and then dinner and dinner held me over until around 9 when I just wanted something.  I ate one of those snack sized puddings and called it done.

Item 2.  Ties to 4 and 5 and 6 and 7 and 8 and 9.  So let me talk about 3 first and I'll come back to it.

Item 3.  I was gushing at the end of last week and on Saturday I got tired of it and took an Immodium.  Sunday I was gushing again.  Monday I was still gushing but came up with I'd rather gush than be plugged.  So I didn't take any more Immodium.  But since Monday, now nothing has happened - seriously plugged.  And now I'm scared to take a laxative cause I don't want to start the gushing again.  And how funny would that be if I took the laxative then immediately had to take the Immodium to stop it again.  My sweet hubby put a lot of fiber in the smoothie this morning and I haven't taken any Lortab for a few days now...so I'm hoping today is the magic day and things get moving again.  I want to try and be natural about it but if things don't get moving again, will probably take a laxative tonight.

So.  Items 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9.  Sigh.  I suck.  Don't tell me I don't, it's what I feel at the moment, it's real to me, and I'll get over it when I'm ready.  (Please tell me I don't...but don't preach...I just want some hand holding right now.)  :)

I am disappointed in myself.  Was my inability to follow the pre-op diet a result of ptsd being aggravated by no carbs?  Was it because I had no date and I was trying to reign in control?  Or was I just stupid?

I think I was stupid.

I think that because here I am, one and a half weeks post-op and I can't follow the post-op instructions.  I could be screwing up this band and causing problems for myself because I can't follow these instructions but it doesn't seem to matter to me.  Right here, right now is what matters to me.  And right here, right now, at dinnertime I just don't seem to care.

How honest do you want me to be with you?  Totally completely honest?  Or just honest enough so that you don't have to start judging me?  I'm going with total and complete for the sake of accountability and respect - for you. 

Wednesday night for dinner...my sweet hubby wanted to go to Hooter's.  So we did.  There.  I said it.  In the week when I should either be on mushies or liquids - but definitely not real solid food - not only did I eat real solid food - but I ate Hooter's.  Fried chicken and french fries.  I had the boneless chicken wings and turns out, what I thought was 6oz was actually only 5oz.  Not bad...except it was fried.  No escaping that one.  And what I called "steamed veggies" yesterday were actually french fries.  Steamed - because french fries...we saw a show on how they are cooked...and that's what happens to 'em interally...and veggies...cause potatoes are a vegetable, they say.  I didn't eat very many, but I ate them just the same.  Calorie count was low for that meal because it was a small meal.  I really did look up the calories yesterday and what I reported was accurate.  But there was fat in there that I just didn't need.  And why was I doing that, anyway?  One week and two days after surgery...there I am...

It's insane.  That meal keeps playing over and over in my head and I just can't justify it in any way shape or form.  Don't get me wrong, I will eat Hooter's again.  I love Hooter's.  But I didn't need to be eating it this week.  I truly just needed to wait until I am healed and normal.  And I'm not.  It's coming.  But I'm not there yet.

What if I'm hurting My Lady by eating like this?  What if I am actually causing damage?  There is a reason why they want us to ease onto food.  I don't know what it is but I sure am presuming quite a lot by eating normally so quickly.  And why can't I just be patient and calm and know that this will all be behind me soon and that for safety's sake, I just need to be patient and calm.  Why can't I do that?

Why couldn't I do the pre-op diet?  Who cared if I did or did not have a date.  If I was committed to this process, it shouldn't have mattered.  If I was committed to this process, I should have been saying, who cares, I'm losing weight - and that's what matters.  It won't be forever.  It wouldn't have been.  It would have been over sooner or later.  So what that I didn't know when.  I did know it would end.  And look how it played out!  Because I was doing that diet, quasi, anyway, I was able to get on the schedule a mere 4 days after getting approval.  That ended up being so bittersweet in my pea brain because I sucked.  I wasn't proud of myself.  I did enough.  I started with the intention of wanting to do more and all I did was enough.

I am not an enough kind of person.  I like to be what I am as best as I can be.  And here I am.  Failing.  Already.  Miserably.  Enough that I am keeping myself awake at night.

But no...lack of sleep...thinking this through over and over...even that's not enough to make me start eating according to instructions.  Last night again.  There I am.  Eating bread!  Dipped in olive oil, of all things.  That's healthy!!!

And I ate a salad.  Drowned in olive oil.  And I ate the worst chicken I have ever had in my life.  I honestly don't think it was 4 oz but it might have been close.  I do know it was horrible and we won't eat at that restaurant again.  We ended up at that restaurant because I did not plan meals at all this week and, just like every other night this week, we'd either have to stop at the grocery store to get something to cook or we could just eat out.  I suspect we'll eat out again tonight - but going forward from Sat on, we have a new rule I asked for.  We can only eat out once a week.  Another rule implemented (discussed before but now truly implemented) is that we can only eat at Hooter's once a month.  And if we choose to do so, it's the eat out for the week, too.

Why am I doing this?  Am I proving that I am in control?  Cause really, am I?  Am I proving that I know best?  Cause really, do I?  Am I proving that I got this?  Cause really, do I?  Do I think I somehow am healing miraculously fast?  What's my first clue?  The pain around the port?  The inability to sit up straight for hours at a time?  The inability to lift weights or exercise as I'd like to?  The inability to sleep comfortably in my favorite positions?

So why am I pushing it?

And why do I ask myself these questions now after being banded?

I'm so stupid!  And I'm failing miserably.  I need to turn this around.  I'm scared.  Will I be a failure at this?  Am I even serious about this?  Can I even comprehend what I've done?