04/24/10: What a Difference

What a differenca a day makes!  What a difference a blog makes!!  What a difference a supportive husband who reads my blog makes!!!  What a difference all my blogger friends make!!!

I wrote yesterday's blog because it was what I was thinking and feeling.  And I'm glad I did.  I would have kept going with thinking and feeling like that but because I put it out there, I have a new perspective and I have support for that perspective.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!

This blog just amazes me.  Say your happy and everyone cheers you on.  Say your sad and everyone cries with you.  Say your a failure and everyone disagrees until the end of the moon with you.  Say you are frustrated and everyone feels your pain.  There is just no way out of it - this is so surprisingly a base aspect of my support system and I love you all!

So...

I am not a failure.  Thank you.

First thing that happens is I get a call from my sweet hubby!  That's him right there with me kissing him.  It's one of my favorite wedding photos as it is his true smile - something he rarely gives to the camera.  And to think he's giving his true happy-as-happy-can-be because I'm kissing him, just makes my heart melt everytime I see it.  I get that smile a lot...but the camera doesn't.  :)

Anywho.  He calls me.  And he says "I didn't know you were feeling that way".  See.  There I go with that "toughness" again.  This from the man that once told his mom, off the cuff, that he wished I didn't talk so much - this was after I said I wished he talked more, sometimes.  I thought that was hilarious.  I still, to this day, give him a hard time about that.  I chatter incessantly.  And I always will.  My mom created that in me.  We used to chatter at each other like there was no tomorrow.  Now I chatter at my husband.  But even amidst all that chatter, and he couldn't believe this, but now knows this to be true, I keep what's at heart all to myself.  And once I've processed something, then and only then, will I chatter away about it.  Like I said, he didn't know that about me at the time, just knew that I chattered.  Now he knows that I do this.  When he made that comment I think we'd been together all of about 6 months...and while we are still learning each other now - always will be - there were a lot of things like that we just didn't know about each other quite yet.

Anywho.  Funny story aside...back to the issue at hand. 

So I said yes.  That yes, it is just bugging me that while I have two sets of instructions (and I also know which set I am supposed to be following), one of which says I should still be on liquids, the other of which says I should be on mushies.  In no way shape or form am I on liquids and I'm only quasi on mushies.  Breakfast and lunch - yes, mushy.  Dinner.  Not so much.  And if I can't follow the post-op instructions, am I really onboard with this band?

He says...hold on.  Stop this now.  And I think about this time there were one or two comments on my blog and so I hadn't really gotten a sense of what y'all were going to tell me - i.e. I'm a failure or, no, chill out, chica, relax.  And I think the overall sense from the blog is chill out, relax.  I think the overall sense is that if I don't question this, then there is a problem.  If I don't do something about this, then there is a problem.

And he says that I am testing things - that's what I do.  He says I am taking it slow slow slow and chewing chewing chewing and trying not to add problems to this.  He says I haven't had any issues and if I had/do, then I will take note and change gears instantly.  He knows this about me, he says.  He says, most importantly to both of us, that I was on the pre-op so long that I feel the need to take control back and I'm trying to be smart about it and take it slow.  He said a lot of things and I had some realizations and it was maybe about a five minute conversation as he had to get back to work.  But it totally changed my thinking.

Here is this man, observing me, watching me, seeing what I am doing day in/day out and who knows what I am supposed to be doing and he's saying, you're being way too hard on yourself, as usual.

So I decided I needed to do some research.  I poured over the internet to find the reason "why" behind this post-op diet.  Is it to ease your stomach back to eating?  Is it to control how you go forth with the band?  Is it a combo of both?

I found some pretty preposterous post-op diets.  Some go as far as 12 weeks!!!!  Liquids for four, mushies for six and then add one solid food item a day until you are eating predominantly solids.  HOLY COW!!!

But in the midst of finding some fairly laughable diets, I discovered that the main reason behind this diet is to protect you.  And the average seems to be 4 weeks - 1 week liquids, 1 week mushies, 1 week mushies/pureed and the 4th week, start adding solid foods in slowly.

And here's why.  It has nothing to do with protecting stitches or allowing the port to heal, from what I found.  Everytime you eat a new food, you don't know how your stomach will tolerate it.  Your stomach is mad, at first, afterall.  And if you can't tolerate the new food - say chicken nuggets - then you will throw it up.  In the first four weeks, throwing up can cause slippage.  Overeating can cause slippage.  So until you know how your band will behave, take it easy and don't push it.

Hmmm.  Except there's me.  Always pushing it.  I mean ALWAYS.  Rules?  What for?  Why?  How do they apply and who do they protect? 

Ok.  So I've researched this.  And then I start to think about me and my case and my situation.  1) I have not thrown up.  I don't want to but I generally have an iron clad stomach.  It's my palette I gotta get past.  2) I am taking it very slow and easy.  I took my first bite of bread, for example, on Thursday night.  It was toasted.  That was why I was willing.  Lightly toasted, but toasted.  I took a very small bite and I chewed and chewed and chewed and chewed.  And then I chewed some more, because I was scared.  And then I chewed some more on top of that until it was liquid.  And when I had no other choice, I finally swallowed.  And I held on for my life because I didn't know what would happen.  And I felt it hit, mid-chest and sit there.  And I almost cried...and then it went down.  I actually heard it hit my stomach and my stomach went "grow-grrrr-garl".  And it was down.  Hmmm...not so bad.  I took another very small bite and I chewed and chewed and chewed and chewed.  And then I chewed some more...but I wasn't so scared this time and I wanted to see what happened if it was mush, not liquid.  And I swallowed.  And it hit.  And it sat there.  And then I felt it go through.  Hmmm...at this level of "non-restriction" bread is still getting through.  So then I dipped it in the olive oil because I figured that might actually help a smidge, too.  Not because it was oil but because of that whole sauce factor.  I would also add that for some reason, this restaurant that toasted this bread was also using stone ground wheat. 

So that was how I discovered bread was ok.  I've done that with every new thing I've tried.  And there was something I tried, last night in fact, that didn't go down well.  And I didn't eat anymore after that first bite.  We went out to dinner again and my husband ordered a steak - a ribeye.  I tried a bite of it - because I wanted to see.  And I ate something more dime sized than nickel sized.  And I chewed and chewed and chewed.  And it went down.  And it sat there.  And it sat there.  And it sat there.  And I thought "well crap".  And then it went down - painfully.  Very very painfully.  So that was it.  Steak is out.  On the same token, we had little tenderloin medallions topped with goat cheese and crab meat for an appetizer.  And the tenderloin was not an issue at all.  So I can eat my filets but not ribeye's.  Ok.  I seem to not be going after steak much anymore, anyway.  I honestly did not want a steak last night, at a steakhouse, where my husband and two friends ordered steak.  I wanted the salmon.  And I got the salmon.  A first for me.  I ate it.  I took it slow.  I chewed the hell out of it.  I ate about 1/3 of what was on my plate and stopped when I was full.

So that's the other thing.  I think.  I'm taking it slow.  I'm testing it.  I'm seeing how the test works before I go on.  I'm making a decision, appropriately, after I see (or feel) the results.  And I'm stopping eating when I'm full.

I have two modes right now.  Breakfast and lunch.  Literally, we are getting the scale out and weighing it.  I have been playing with how much smoothie I get.  A smoothie would be a slider so I know I can do more than I even need to.  So we are weighing it and going lower and lower so that I can see how long the smoothie holds me over.  I want to not get hungry for lunch until around noon.  So how little smoothie works to do that?  I know 12oz made me hungry at noon.   I know 8oz made me hungry at noon.  I believe 6oz was what I had yesterday and I was hungry at noon.  I am doing 6oz for sure for sure today.  I will do 4oz tomorrow.  I think, even if 4oz works, I'm still going to stick with 6oz.  Honestly.  Because this isn't exactly high calorie and it is high protein, plus a lot of nutrients.

And lunch, measure out 4oz of whatever.  Chicken salad, turkey salad, whatever.  Snack.  Measure out 3oz of whatever - and may or may not eat it.

I will be happy when the snack goes away.  I wasn't a snacker, usually, before the band.  I know the snack is because lunch isn't enough.  I know I'm getting away with the smoothie being less because I hate breakfast like I do.  The smoothie is the only thing I've ever found that works before 11am.  If I can eat breakfast at 11am, then I'm all for it, but if I eat real food before 11, I will be sick all day.  No lies, I promise.  But the smoothie...it does not make me sick.  I can put whatever fruit I want in it and I'll be fine.  Add honey, though - and I get sick.  Or sugar.

Anywho.  So breakfast and lunch and snack - get weighed.

And dinner is my other approach.  I am looking at food and thinking, well if this much lunch weighed this many ounces, then on this plate, I should be able to eat this amount here.

In two cases I was able to bring leftovers home and weigh them. The leftovers were half of what I had been served - I ate the other half.  When I weighed the half I brought home - it was 4oz one time and 5oz the other.

I take my bites, testing it.  When the results are ok. I eat.  Slowly.  Chewing the hell out of it.  And when my stomach says done, the fork is down.  It's been a pleasure, really, to have this be happening.  I'd go to Hooter's pre-band and order 10 wings (as that's the lowest amount you can order).  And I'd eat them all.  Now, this week, I went to Hooter's and it was because they have a Weds night special - 10 boneless wings with a half order of french fries for $5.99.  I say half-order of fries but I don't think it was even a half.  It was more like a third.  If you've been there and you've ordered their fries and they come in that little bowl.  Think that bowl and then think maybe a handful from that.  I used to eat a whole order of those fries.  What I had Weds was more than enough.  Anywho.  I had these boneless wings in front of me and I ate one.  In pieces, of course.  And when I got to wing number 5, I was done.  My husband got to his wing number 8 and he was done - not like him, either.  But he's copying me and it is equating to less food for him, too.

So we bring 7 wings home.  I weigh them.  5oz. 

So yes, bad choice.  But my problem with Hooter's on Weds has nothing to do with "hooter's is a bad choice".  My problem is that I shouldn't even be eating solid foods this week and even though I am, I chose Hooter's?  It's that it was solid food, not a good healthy solid food, but it was a solid food when I'm not supposed to be anywhere near solid foods.

I will eat at Hooter's again.  I will not make this a diet of deprivation.  If I eat at Hooter's for 12 out of 1,095 meals, then great.  That means it's just over 1% of my annual meals.  And honestly, I don't think 12 will happen.  If I counted up all the Hooter's visits I had last year it would probably be in the ballpark of 8.  I'm fine with Hooter's on occasion.  I am fine with anything on occasion - this will not be a diet of deprivation.

This will be a diet of wise choices most of the time. 

My issue is not making a wise choice right now, when it just kind of feels like I should be.

But I'm over it.  Because I am taking it slow and testing the waters and no matter what, we all have to do that at some point.  I now know that I am supposed to be easing onto solids so that I do not throw up.  I do feel, even though it's too soon - that I am being easy about it.  And I am adjusting according to how it feels.

But I took my research a step further.  If it was just plain laparascopic surgery, what would the diet be?  12 hours of liquids and then ease back onto foods.  What if it was stomach surgery for cancer?  I mean, they are taking a piece of the stomach out - or maybe even the whole stomach.  3-4 days of clear liquids and as you feel up to it, try solid foods.  Understand that you need to take it easy and that you may throw up because your stomach is mad.

Now this isn't cancer and I didn't have a piece of my stomach removed.  I am soooo not trying to make light of cancer, let alone cancer of the stomach.  I am saying what happens if you, to me, take the worst case scenario of what might be done to the stomach, what would that diet be?  And that diet is understandable.  You want your stomach to wake up from the anesthesia before you start packing food into it.  But...the body is a pretty remarkable thing.  It adapts surprisingly well to a lot of things.

So I think about this.  Knowing that I am just not supposed to be throwing up.  At 4 weeks, are you any less likely to throw up?  Is damage from throwing up going to be any lighter or easier on the band?

So now I've come full circle and I think a little of this is about control.  And that explains why my quack surgeon's diet is so much crazier (to me) than my bariatric center's diet.  My surgeon wants to control me throughout the life of this band.  He gave me instructions that say a few things I am allowed and whole list of everything I cannot possibly even remotely touch.  My bariatric center's instructions said "here's some ideas".

So I'm glad that my surgeon sent me to this bariatric center.  After my follow-up with him on May 12th, I'll go back to my nurse practitioner I like so much.  I can see telling her ALL of what I've done so far.  Every last bit of it.  I can see her reprimanding me for it and I can see us both laughing, too.  I cannot and won't tell my surgeon any of this.  He will lecture me and berate me and tell me I don't get it.  In fact, I think HE doesn't get it.  If I were still going through his private clinic, I don't know that I'd have the options I feel I have.  If I were still going through his private clinic, I think I might end up being a failure.  So I'm glad his nurse practitioner sent me to this national conglomerate of a place where I'm just a number on a page.  Because at the end of the day, I'm more of a person there than I am with that private office. 

Sorry for being so long windered today.  But I worked through a lot in the last 24 hours and I don't want to forget any of it!