10/30/09: Yay!

My husband and I finally received the information on his insurance options for next year today. His options are staying the same - which means we can switch to his plan and still have something deductible and out-of-pocket-max free. Add to that it will save us $8 a payperiod of my own plan that's going away.

So we will be switching to Aetna. From things I read around here, seems Aetna is good about this. But I don't know what my specific case will be.

Right now I am on Cigna.

Cigna required a six month supervised weight loss program which I am one month into.

Cigna required a pysch consult which I have done the testing for. I go back on Monday to get the results. Yes, I'm nuts. Not sure why anyone has to pay for that info.

Cigna required letters of medical necessity from any practictioners with ongoing care. In my case that's my PCP and my OB/GYN. I got one from my PCP. I see my OB/GYN next Thurs but don't expect an issue here as he has mentioned this in the past.

The good news about Aetna is all of my doc's - the pcp, the ob/gyn, even the surgeon, are still in-network. So there will be no change of care.

Cigna required a nutritionist consult. I will have that on Thurs when I go in for my weigh in.

When I go in for that weigh in, I'll see what they might be able to say about this switch. Seems that some with Aetna only have to do three months of supervised weightloss. So maybe this is happening sooner?

But in perusing Aetna's website, I found a document that says I have to have documented severe obesity issues for two years or more. I have not been over a BMI of 40 for a year, let alone two. I've been at 40 (and counting) since the start of this year. Last year I hovered around 37-38. Got off BC at the beginning of the year and that threw everything out of whack. Problem is that while I have history of a BMI over 35, I do not have any comorbidities....

I feel so much better about the insurance. There may have to be a delay in getting the insurance requirements sorted out after that insurance plan goes into effect (Jan 1 2010) but in the meantime I can keep plugging away on all this other stuff. I do know that I will still have to have the psych consult and a nutritionist consult. I do know there is a supervised weightloss time period - may be 6 months may be 3. But I can keep all this going.

And the motivation is back. I no longer feel like there's a potential hurdle to overcome.

YAY!

10/29/09: Can I?

Can I eat sushi (on occasion)?

Can I drink black coffee (Monday-Friday)?

Can I eat rice with my favorite Japanese rice topping (on occasion)?

Can I drink a soda (on occasion)?

I suspect soda will soon stop tasting good to me and so don't think I'll really miss this, but I'm just wondering...

Can I eat a small sandwich of wheat bread and turkey for lunch (on occasion)?

How long will I have to not lift weights following surgery?

Can I lose this weight?

For good?

10/28/09

I have a job that is fun and interesting. But it can also include a lot of waiting on computers to get their act together. So I tend to blog and write emails and play games in those times...

This is one such time. And I have been doing this all day long and have read back through some of my blogs and want to update where things are TODAY.

Still not sure what's happening on the insurance front.

From yesterday's blog, I was UP four pounds - after being DOWN four pounds on Sunday. Today I am DOWN three.

The pantry is getting cleaned out slowly but surely. The potato chips are gone and I am glad for that. Still have tortilla chips in there but I am not so worried about them. You see...I LIKE tortilla chips and I do NOT like potato chips. Potato chips are NOT satisfying and yet you always want more. Tortilla chips, on the other hand, do satisfy an urge and they are filling and depending on what you buy, may not be so bad for you, either...

Once upon a time I wrote a blog asking if I was lieing to myself. And here's my answer.

Yes.

And No.

I think the reality is that I DO know how to eat well and healthy and I DO know what proper portion size is. I think that the reality is that somewhere around about two years or so ago I decided somewhere deep in the pea I have for a brain that if I'm going to look like this, I might as well throw what I know out the window. And around about two years ago - I started letting myself, almost making myself, actually, eat those potato chips I actually don't even really like and actually never crave. Does that make sense? No. But it's how I resolved myself to what was happening. If you can't beat it, join it, was the premise.

With the cleaning out of the pantry well underway, things ARE changing. My husband is eating in a way I don't think he ever has before and the weight is quite simply melting off him. Good for him.

If I do what I inherently know - and am discovering I have seriously missed - I should be ok.

An interesting conversation came up with friends last night. One friend is married to a power lifter. He competes and he owns his own gym so he can teach others the differences between power lifting and body building. He's cooky. He lifts TIRES instead of weights. Big ol' huge 750 pound tires - turns them over instead of rolling them along. Anywho. He has a competition in about a week and a half and so is on a no-carb diet for the rest of the time until the competition so that he can beef up as much as possible before hand. Great. Good for him. Except - it is a major undertaking for him to give up those carbs. Ok, so what's wrong with this, you ask? Well. As he sits there and eats all the "bad stuff" (in normal times, not prepping for competitions) he WILL NOT let his kids touch it. And so, of course, that's all they want - is what DAD eats. Mom cooks healthy, lean, good food. And they don't want that - cause DAD doesn't have to eat that. So, that's the background. In this conversation we were talking about the double standard and how that is likely to rear it's ugly head later in their lives.

And I think that's true. And I think I had never really thought of it THAT way before. My mom cooked healthy, lean, good food. It was a very balanced diet. And we did not pack in sugar - wasn't allowed to have regular Kool-Aid, wasn't allowed to have sweetened cereals like Lucky Charms. Wasn't allowed this or that or this or that. And the truth is, I don't like the this or that's that were excluded from my childhood. BUT. My DAD did get that stuff. And he did eat that stuff. And he also died from diabetes and heart disease.

But when I moved out and on my own - I said you know what - Dad ate it, so so can I.

And almost to prove a point, I bought the stuff. And I ate the stuff.

And here I am.

And the irony? The "stuff" doesn't taste good to me. That good, lean, healthy stuff DOES but that "bad stuff" does NOT.

And I'm finding, as I'm making the switch back to what I did for so long - that I AM GLAD AND RELIEVED to be making this switch!

And my husband. He's so cute. I swear by sugarfree Kool-Aid. He thought blagck.

And then I made a pitcher of it.

And he took a sip (cause he'd never had it before and wanted to be sure it really WAS). But he LIKED it.

If he cuts the sugar out - that's huge - cause he DID grow up on the stuff.

I don't know why it matters what you grew up with - I keep saying that - but there is personal choice in that realm, too. That matters as much as anything.

One would think.

Anywho.

I am glad the pantry is getting cleaned out. I am glad my husband is so onboard with this lifestyle change. I am glad I actually do know how to do this and that it's turning out to not be a struggle, even. I am glad I have this time, this six months mandatory supervised weight loss time, to work this all out because I DO think this would be HARD HARD HARD if it was just all cold turkey, all just done, all just over with all with the snap of a finger.

And that's what I know.

As for me and the scale - believe it or not - it just cracks me up. How do you lose four pounds over night and then gain back four pounds the next night and then stay steady for two days and then lose three pounds overnight? I really get on the scale for the humor - so what humorousness will I discover tomorrow?

10/27/09: And the journey continues...

So I'm just about one month in to my six month weight loss program. HA!

HA HA HA!

I'm still not sure where this is all going to go. My employer is changing my insurance options so drastically that this might get taken off the table. My husband's employer is releasing next years options sometime this week or next and so we will see what that offers. If we switch to his insurance - it might actually make this "quicker" meaning only that I'd only have to do a three month program instead of a six month program. His employer, though, may very well be switching to something drastic like my own employer is. And the common sentiment is that this is all "designed" to force us into a public option.

Yay. Thanks.

Politics aside, yes, something DOES need to happen with our insurance companies. Politics aside, I WAS happy with my insurance policy - and yes, I was lucky to have coverage!

Anywho...

The next week or so will tell a lot.

But there is also a chance that my husband and I will go with one of the two crappy options I'm being given and this will STILL work out, too. There's a chance.

But with only chances to be embracing - it's hard to stay "motivated".

And by "motivated" I mean - to keep going to all the goll-derned appointments I have all over the place. Last week I had two. This week, I have one. Next week I have three. The following week I have one...that I know of so far. I think my supervisor is getting tired of this! I certainly am!

And as I sit here, at my desk, begging (internally) for work - but why SHOULD they give it to me? - I wonder WHY I'm going to all these appointments if there's only a sliver of a chance? Because even if the insurance works out - doesn't mean they will ACCEPT me.

On the other hand, if the insurance WILL work out - better to get these appointments taken care of while I still have the coverage I do. Less out of pocket and all that.

So, like I said, hard to stay "motivated".

Now, I'm parenthesizing that because I AM motivated to lose weight. I don't know that I am "motivated" to pursue this procedure anymore, though.

I am STILL not drinking soda. I did have one on Saturday after a long day volunteering at a children's Halloween nature festival thingy. Had a blast doing it but man oh man my feet were killing me after all was said and done. So drank a soda. It DID taste good - but I DID NOT want another one. YAY! That's huge progress. Prior to Saturday - hadn't had one since Monday and I couldn't even drink that one because it DID NOT taste good. YAY! That's progress. One soda in a week? I'd call that good!

When I got on the scale on Sunday I was DOWN four pounds. YAY!

When I got on the scale today I was UP four pounds. BOO!

Such is life. Such is the journey I have been on for years. Haven't changed a thing and yet....

Interestingly, with not drinking sodas anymore - as that's the single-handed biggest change I've made so far - my FACE looks better. It's not puffy. And I hadn't even realized THAT was what the problem was. It's interesting to see my jaw coming back out. My cheeks. Still more work to be done, but it's progress.

I LIKE PROGRESS.

Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and have magically lost those four pounds again.

Maybe.

But the general gist of my almost entire month of "supervised" weight loss is that...I STILL weigh the same as I did the day I checked in for the first time.

I guess I can say "at least I'm not gaining...."

And so the journey continues....

10/20/09: A hurdle?

So I checked the mail yesterday. And there was something from my employer. I don't know why but they always send a monthly newsletter to both my email and my house. I get to it when I get to it. So I threw the mail on my desk and headed off to make dinner.

After dinner, I went back and opened the large envelope to remove the newsletter so I could flip through it - and probably throw it away. But it wasn't the newsletter. It was a brochure informing my husband and I of what our health insurance options will be next year. It was a brochure discussing the merits of the two plans we will be able to choose from.

We currently have three plans and I have a plan that requires a copay and no deductible. My current plan will no longer be offered next year. My current plan will pay for the Lap-Band®® procedure and requires a six month supervised weightloss program and a psych consult. I am two weeks into that six months.

The plans being offered next year will also require a six month supervised weightloss program and a psych consult. The plans being offered next year will also require a hefty deductible.

HEFTY.

As I sit here and think about it - that deductible is over half the cost of being self-pay.

So hmmm. My husband and I get to thinking. Can't speed up the calendar. Can't convince them "it's just not fair". So what to do?

My husband and I are both on my employer's plan.

So maybe we switch to HIS employer's plan. My open enrollment is the month of Nov and his is the month of Dec.

His insurance only requires THREE months of a supervised weightloss program.

So we shall see. We have more questions than answers right now, that's for sure - but because of financial reasons, this may get better, this may get worse, or this may get shelved.

I sure didn't see that coming...

10/19/09: It's a Monday...

I am a Geophysicist. That means absolutely nothing except for that I most closely resemble a project manager who gets to test their project in addition to manage their project. I generally enjoy my job. It's fun, to me, to keep track of where everything is. And it's also fun, to me, to test the parameters that give the best result. My "product" is a cross section of the planet. And it's especially fun, to me, to see cross sections of the Earth that are so far down in the ocean that "man" will probably never see it "for real". By 'cross section' I mean image. And by 'so far down' I mean 60,000 (yes, sixty thousand) FEET into the earth - at a water depth of 5000 feet or more. Sometimes the water depth is only 500 feet. Sometimes it's 8000 feet. But suffice it to say, it's a water depth deeper than we can dive to outside of a manned submersible. And manned submersibles are not cheap - nor will they get you INTO the Earth.

Anywho, that's a little bit about what I do.

I'm in the middle of a project right now that is fun stuff to me. And last Friday my project went from the testing stage to the production stage. Not a problem - production can run over the weekend and we should be in a good place on Monday morning.

Before I submitted production, I checked how much disk space I would require for my data. A mere 22.4 TERRA bytes. That's all.

This is a small-ish dataset.

Terra bytes. Funny to be calling something small that is in the realm of multiple terra bytes.

I have a profound respect for how far computers have come in the last twenty years...my job without disk space is impossible - and people used to do it.

I had 44.5 TERRA bytes available. So with what I had available and what I needed - I was golden.

I checked Friday morning. I submitted Friday afternoon.

I came in on Saturday to check the status of my production. All was fine.

I came in this morning and my disk space was gone.

The bad thing about disk space disappearing like this and me not knowing it because I checked a few hours before I submitted is that it shuts other people down, too. My jobs cannot finish because they cannot write out the datasets. And no one else's can, either.

So when people realized they were dead in the water, well, it turned into a bad morning pretty quickly.

And I was all excited about today. I have my psych consult testing stuff this afternoon. I don't know why a psych consult would have me excited but it feels like forward progress and I LIKE that!

The interesting thing to me is that days like this make me LESS likely to eat. Even more interesting - so long as the day turns out positive (which so far it seems to be), I LIKE days like this. Status quo day in and day out is BORING!

And to make it even funnier - because I did something "wrong", I get to file a report on myself. And that report turns into a bonus. ODD!

So yay for Mondays! (?)

10/15/09: A pound in 6 days

I got on the scale this morning because I'm a scale-aholic. I like the feedback. I don't generally expect to see a loss but I want to know when there is a gain.

So this week, I've cut my breakfast lunch and dinner down by half. I am supposed to be trying for 1200 calories a day. This week I also went three days without a single soda. I have been drinking water, iced tea and coffee. Iced tea unsweetened. Coffee sweetened with about a third of a teaspoon in an oversized cup. I really could cut that sugar out and it's next on my list. But one thing at a time is my approach.

So funny story - last night - I about ripped my husband's head off because he wouldn't tell me which door he was picking me up at. I have three doors I can exit and I just wanted to know which one to exit. He wanted me to tell him where I'd exit and he'd go there. I wanted HIM to make the decision. Is it really that hard? I WAS STARVING and I was not thinking let alone thinking clearly and who the frick cares? Normally, I don't. But 1200 calories a day is HARD!

I knew it wouldn't last. And this isn't that self-fulfilling prophecy kind of thing. It just isn't feasible. Especially since I am trying to do this WHILE cleaning out the pantry. So I'm not necessarily eating protein intense foods or the right kinds of things to make this work out. For now, I am just eating what I want to get out of the pantry - and never buy again, at least not for a daily lunch. Things like potato chips that just do not satisfy hunger.

I would not talk to my husband for about thirty minutes over this REALLY stupid thing. And when I DID talk, my voice was cracking like I was thoroughly exhausted - which I wasn't, although I certainly didn't have my normal energy.

And when I realized JUST how hungry I WAS - I said FEED ME. And he said ok. And we went out for sushi.

And before we ate - I apologized and said I was wrong and he, being the sweet sweet man that he is, said, it's ok.

Sushi is good!

And then I was not hungry.

Nor was I for the rest of the evening.

However, this morning, I woke up famished.

And I got on the scale and I'm down. Now THAT is significant because this is the time of the month where I gain five pounds overnight, keep that weight for about five days, then drop it all just as suddenly. I should have gained that five pounds last night, in fact.

I decided I need to go about this much more wisely.

The potato chips will get gone. I have about half a bag left and they will get added to lunches until they no longer exist and that will be the end of them. But where I was bringing a bag to eat with lunch and a bag for a mid-afternoon snack to get them gone faster, now I will bring one bag - for lunch - and a protein snack for the mid-afternoon lull. I am hoping this will tide me over until dinner better.

I do know that as the pantry gets worked through over the next few weeks/months, that the snacks and light meals will be replaced with more protein rich foods, for example, or veggies instead of chips. I have known that all along - but I just can't throw food that is edible. Even if it's not the best food for me, it's not something like I have it so I sit there and eat the whole bag of chips all at once.

And I also know that 1200 a calories a day just isn't likely. I'm striving for it. But I'm not going to walk around famished, either. My husband doesn't need to endure that - and I have a brain intense job that needs me to be able to think quickly and accurately. If I end up having to do rework because I was striving for a calorie count that is just not satisfying, well, it's just not worth losing my job over that.

On average, I take in about 1800 calories - and I think that's not too shabby. I think I'd rather shoot for 1500 and have enough energy in me to be able to work out! Cause that was the other downfall last night - I managed to fix myself - but I still didn't get enough energy in me to hit the lake for a brisk walk...

So one pound. If I continue to lose one pound a week over the span of this supervised weight loss thing - that would be about 24 pounds. 24 pounds would mean a BMI of about 38. But I'm sure I'll plateau before this time is up...

Have to chuckle, though. This is such an odd thing to be concerned about...

10/14/09: I like to blog!!!

I'm a nut. I'm weird. I LIKE to blog. I even like it when people read my blogs. I like it even more when people comment on my blogs.

Today's blog is all about what I have not had in two days.

A SODA!

I'm a Dr. Pepper junkie. I think that is truly my worst habit. And I know that where ever I go with this - I NEED TO GIVE IT UP!

It may or may not be the root of my problems - but it doesn't matter. Just the expense should be enough to be happy about giving it up!

When I went in for my first weight loss appointment last week I told the NP that I was going to start working on this, figuring, I've got six months to ween myself.

And over the weekend, I did actually drink less soda. And I thought to myself, well, if I can keep this up, by the time we work through all the twelve packs we have saved for moving into the refrigerator that holds nothing but soda, well, I should be able to make it last for six months.

I don't drink soda at work. Don't buy them out of the vending machines and don't bring one with me. Usually, I get home and grab one on the way into the house (that "soda refrigerator" is in the garage).

Monday - I didn't grab one. Nor did I ever go out there to get one.

Tuesday - I didn't grab one. Nor did I ever go out there to get one.

To me, this is like quitting smoking. I quit smoking cold turkey when I'd decided enough was enough. Just quit. And never really looked back. About two days into that, I realized I was fine. And I've never picked up another cigarette since then. I have been a non-smoker now for four years. Ironically, my lung capacity has decreased...but that's neither here nor there.

So. I'm thinking, if I'm two days without a soda now - and I'm fine with it - then maybe it's all good. Not craving one. Not missing one. Not anything about soda. I might just give them all away! Or not. Who knows.

But what I do know is this is awesome to me!

So far, about a week into my "supervised weight loss" - I've cut all my meals down to half. Half a breakfast. Half a lunch. Half a dinner. But not half the water...and now I'm working on three days of no soda...YAY!

10/13/09: This is scary...

Am I lieing to myself?

I have generally always considered my weight struggle a hormone problem. I don't eat perfectly but I don't think I eat worse than the people I'm surrounded by who are thin and not struggling. We go out to dinner - they clean their plates - and they order feasts - and I nibble on salads. I cook for them once a week and they don't gain weight off of my food - but I do. I watch them eat desert night after night after night while I don't eat desert all that often. Not because I am holding myself back - but because I generally don't like sweet things. I HATE chocolate. I HATE ice cream. I dislike cake unless it's a very specific kind of cake with a very specific kind of frosting. I only like about three pies known to man. And in most cases, I don't bake them nor do I order them when we eat out. My one weakness for desert is creme brulee but I rarely end up in restaurants that offer it so would say I eat the stuff about three or four times a year. I don't generally eat bread except for with sandwiches. I don't go crazy with grazing throughout the day, in fact I eat three meals and one afternoon snack. Breakfast is a fruit smoothie with nonfat plain yogurt. Lunch is a turkey sandwich on wheat bread with a smidge of mayo. And dinner varies - during the week it's generally leftovers and on weekends is when I cook. It can range from pot roast to roasted chicken to sushi at our favorite sushi bar to Vietnamese grilled beef vermicelli to grilled fish...

So am I lieing to myself? Is food my problem? Am I food addict and I don't know it?

I'm not perfect. I don't pretend to be. I DO eat out probably too much. But I also think I order wise things, for the most part. I'm not big on fried food - although on occasion some fried chicken IS good.

Am I lieing to myself? Have the six nutritionists I've seen over the years been wrong when they said "your food is not your problem?"

I've had TSH tests run on me multiple times just to find out I have HYPER-thyroidism. THAT does not make sense so no one treats it. I have had my metabolism measured a few times just to find out I have a fast metabolism.

And yet the weight packs on.

So am I lieing to myself?

I swim, walk, lift weights three or four times a week. Swimming in the summer, walking otherwise. I garden - that burns calories when you are out there pulling out all those weeds with all the built up frustration you don't know you have. I am like a ping-pong ball when my husband and I TRY to sit down and watch a movie. I'm up every fifteen minutes to do this or that. My dog used to get so mad at me...he'd get all curled up and cozy and then ping, I'm off again. He thinks he has to follow me everywhere but by the time he was about three years old or so, he said 'forget it, do whatcha gotta do and I'll be here when you get back'. He has now found solace in the fact that my husband gets irritated by this, too. Just curls up with my husband if need be and they sit idly by watching me ping and pong about.

So am I lieing to myself?

Am I setting myself up for failure here?

If I'm not lieing to myself - will this work for me? Can it help me?

10/12/09: And so it goes...

Thursday night last week I went to the seminar. I don't know that it would have ever been required of me but I'm so glad I went. My husband went with me. And we both learned a lot. A lot almost seems like an understatement. And what's weird, was I already knew a lot - but it makes a difference hearing it from the surgeon. It makes a difference being able to ask questions of someone QUALIFIED to answer the questions.

My husband learned a lot, too. And my husband and I both learned that he is on the border of being eligible for this himself.

He thinks he can lose the weight on his own - by following the "diet" I am doing and continuing with his exercise program that he likes. I think there is potential for his yo-yo'ing to continue, though. I also think if we were doing this together, at the same time, on the same page - that would make it "easier". If we both had to do the liquid diet at the same time, for example, t'would be "easier" than if I do it and then six months later, he does it. If we both do the six month supervised weight loss together, t'would be easier, than if I do it and then he starts his program.

He is like me - I KNOW he can lose the weight. But he's gained it back before, like me, multiple times.

There is no easy answer for this, that's for sure.

I surely can't push or cajol or try to convince him. He needs to decide on this for himself and no matter what he decides, I am and will always be by his side - just like he is for me. And no matter what, I know he is just as in this as I am.

We had a long conversation this morning and some last night about cleaning out our pantry, about changing our approach to grocery shopping, about setting a menu on a Sunday, for example, doing our grocery shopping accordingly, and what we will no longer buy. Before I met my husband I was not an impulse buyer. I was also not in the shape I am currently, either. After I met my husband, I was able (as we wifes do) to retrain some habits - mostly not buying the little debbie crap and things like that. But he retrained me, too (as husbands do) and I now keep chips on hand, whereas the single me would not have. I now keep a second freezer full of meat and a second refrigerator full of sodas. We now both completey agree with each other that we quite simply CANNOT DO THAT!

I grew up eating well, cooking well, exercising frequently (some might say too much), and generally active even when not exercising. From the age of four through high school I was on a swim team and I was good. I still am. I had to be on two sports teams all the time and the second thing bounced around from soccer to basketball to volleyball. Around junior high I switched to drill team and chearleading as my second thing. Around high school I was just doing swimming and drill and in my spare time I was in the choir and drum line.

My mom ALWAYS steamed our vegetables - they were not soaked in broth and bacon fat or cheese or anything else. My mom always baked our fish and chicken - it was never fried and very rarely was it poached. We ate very small servings of carbs, if at all. We did not keep sodas in the house - we drank sugar free cool aid. I didn't eat my first dorito until I was 8 years old - and while it was good, I didn't care about them.

And then I went in the Navy. Who in the world goes in the military to see their activity level DECREASE? Their food quality go bad? Their portions go up?

The Navy is aware, though, that they have a problem. They were aware then and they were trying to fix it. But suffice it to say, in the Navy - I gained weight. In the Navy, in BOOT CAMP of all places, I lost a LOT of muscle tone which was my first step in the wrong direction.

Anywho.

I know how to do this. That's the story there. I have spent more of my life living healthy than not. However, add in some hormone complications of my late 20's and here I am...unable to lose it AND keep it off. And sadly, it, in the last year or so, has gotten to the point where I think, apparently, that if I'm going to look like this, I might as well eat what I want. And that's the part that's changing NOW!

So Friday, I went to my first "weight loss appointment". I met the Nurse Practitioner in the new place - the practitioner that will be following me for my six months of supervised weight loss and exercise. I like her. Friendly. Non-judgemental. And straight forward.

And she said - you already know what to do. So do it. And I'll see you in a month.

She didn't sit there and preach to me about the importance of portion control. About the importance of balanced meals. About the importance of not drinking sodas. About the importance of exercise. She said "YOU ALREADY KNOW".

And she's right. We ALL do.

I read on LBT somewhere last week "If you want to know how to lose weight - ask a fat person" and that is so true. We KNOW how to lose it. We can't keep it OFF!

Anyway...

Friday was good. I was happy to be getting everything OFFICIALLY started. I go back on Nov 5 for the next check in. Now time seems to have slowed down.

In the meantime - I should be able to pick up the letter of medical necessity from my PCP this week. Since my OB/GYN is someone with ongoing care, I should get a letter from him, too. I see him later this month. I need to also see a cardiologist since I have had issues with heart palpitations in the past. I see him later this month, as well. Finally, I've started trying to get into do my psych consult as well - although that's not been easy. I got a list of In-Network Providers from my insurance company and when I attempted to call SIX different practices on Friday, they were ALL closed for the day! Seriously. Not ONE mental health practitioner in my area works on Friday? Really? Whatever. My goal is to be able to turn in as much as possible when I go back on Nov 5th.

This weekend was strangely emotional to me, though. Friday I was excited, happy, and certain. Saturday morning as I was waking up I was vaguely depressed. I just kept thinking in the back of my pea brain - no more bread EVER? But by the time I was fully awake I was back to my normal opinion - whatever. I am not a bread-aholic...

Sunday I had the vaguely depressed notions coming up again as I realized - no 'this', no 'that'. How to juggle this and that. Can I really not just do this on my own?
Finally got to talk to my hubbie last night and he thinks that I CAN do this on my own - but thinks that this might also be a fail safe that would be worth it in the long run. He thinks that no matter what, I should do this six month thing and then make a better informed decision then.

So I woke up this morning thinking - we need to change how we grocery shop. We need to change our pantry. We need to change our refrigerators. And I need to go back to what my mom taught me, what I was raised with, what I know. And my hubbie is along for the ride. He's such a great man!

10/08/09: Who's in control - me or them?

Me.

And it should be me.

This is MY life.

This is MY future.

This is MY well-being.

No one else's.

I was told yesterday to, in my own words, sit patiently by the phone and wait for THEM to call me.

I'm not patient.

Can't do it.

Won't lie and say I can.

So I searched and dawdled and explored and cajoled and got myself a phone number out of thin air.

And I called it.

And I said - I can't wait.

Ok, not really, I was a WHOLE LOTTA nicer than that. But that was the general jist of it.

And they said ok.

And they made me an appt. Not for two weeks from now. Not for two weeks from two weeks from now. Nope. For TOMORROW. Friday. 10/9. At 10:30.

And here's what I know about this. My six months starts TOMORROW.

At the end of the conversation with the lady who really didn't care that I had called even though I was told not to, I asked - is this going to cause a problem? She said no, it's a good thing actually. I then asked if they'd have my paperwork on time? She said she didn't know but if they didn't they'd call the other office and get it.

Oh. Ok.

That was so NOT difficult!

I went to a friends house for dinner last night with my husband. She is recently retired and was an office manager for an asthma and allergy clinic. That clinic is a lot like this place I'm being sent to. They had offices all over Houston. So this place I'm being sent to - it seems to me they have satellite offices in all the corners of Houston and once they know you're a candidate they send you to the main office for all the workup stuff. And then when it's time for surgery, you go back to your satellite location, if you want to. And fills may or may not be done there. And support may or may not be done there. Her office was similar. It was a bunch of satellites. She said here's what happens.

The Nurse Practitioner has to get her notes done. Because she's a Nurse Practitioner, she has to get the surgeon to sign off on them. Once he does that, then the paperwork can be sent into the main office. Once it's in the main office, they will call me and schedule the appt. They generally say two weeks so that if anything goes wrong, they are covered, but it doesn't generally take that long.

She said, though - that in scenarios where offices or clinics are set up like this - they love love love people like me. Instead of sitting in a quagmire of paperwork, I'm saying "this is what I want, this is when I want it, this is how I want it" and they are happy to comply because now they aren't waiting, either, AND they know I'm serious about moving forward.

Enlightening.

So - as is generally the case - although not always, there are always exceptions - it's a good thing to be in control of my own life and my own outcome and my own future.

So I'm excited, eager and ready for tomorrow!

10/07/09: Well then...

Went in for my appt today. Thought I was excited and thought I was so ready to go and couldn't wait to get started.

And I have to wait...

Turns out, if I'd already done my six months supervised thing then I could just move on and go on with the process. But since I still need to do that - they need me to go somewhere else.

I can still have the same surgeon.

But the location just became a pain in the something. Whereas I thought I'd be going to an office about 10 miles from home, now I get to fight traffic to get to the medical center which is not even remotely near my normal beaten path - and my normal beaten path encompasses a lot of Houston.

I can still do the surgery at the same hospital which is close to home. But I will most likely have to do the fills there at that place I did not want to go to. This Dr. is trying to get a program up and running with all of the extras - the fills, the nutritionist, the mental health professional, you know, all of the above - at the hospital where his office is. So there might be a chance that by the time I can have the surgery they might be able to do fills there.

This Dr. just moved into this office that I visited today. Boxes of medical records are still sitting everywhere. 'Just moved in' means - a month and two days ago. I asked because I found it odd that the pictures are not on the walls, just propped against the walls, found it odd that the records are not filed in a nice looking file cabinet syste, found it odd that entire counters are blank. You'd think they'd want to get settled...

On the good side, the Nurse Practictioner I saw told me about this surgeon's philosophy and I like it. So between what I've heard from my friend the nurse anesthetist and my own primary care, I am feeling comfortable with the surgeon and these groups.

And this office is affiliated with the one they referred me to. That same Nurse Practictioner told me that office has a group of office staff that absolutely KNOW how to get these things approved and having them on my side will be good.

She told me I DO need to prove a comorbidity even though my insurance company is claiming I only need one if the BMI is 35-39. Since my BMI is over 40, shouldn't need one, but I will follow their lead on that! She told me this office has everything in place to do everything basically. And a number of their people who are on staff for the various aspects of this have had the procedure done themselves. She said there's a great support structure that comes with this office, whereas the office I visited cannot make the same claim.

So now the part that I really don't like. I have to wait for them to call me to even get the appt to get things going. And it can be up to two weeks before they call. I don't care if my appt is next month, I'll just feel better when I know I have an APPT!

Please call, please call, please call!!!

10/06/09: YAY! Hope is on the horizon!!!

What feels to me like the biggest hurdle has been jumped! And it's fine! I came down on the other side on both feet!


I had my appt with my PCP today. I need from her a letter of medical necessity. And I wasn't sure how my visit with her would go - whether she would make me defend and justify this, whether she would be adamantly against it, whether she would emphatically support it...I just wasn't sure at all! And she said she would absolutely give me that because while she's only known me for a year, she's seen enough to know that I'm not lieing when I say "I TRY!" And it comes off. And it comes back.

She said we would do some testing to prove a comorbidity that she thinks I may have. She said we will jump through those insurance hoops and give them NO REASON to deny this!
She also said three or four years ago she would have been hesitant, would have said, 'do it yourself' but she's seen those people she told that lose the weight and then gain it back plus some. It's something about a BMI over 40 that makes your body NOT WANT TO LET GO! And she's seen lap-band®® after lap-band®® do wonders for people.

She said my choice in surgeon is fantastic. Can't beat him in my area and she would have suggested him had I not found him myself. She recommended doing the supervised exercise and diet program with them because she likes their nutritionist and the staff in that office are all fantastic.

She gave me copies of everything I need for the consult tomorrow - which should help some of this role along faster.

I did some blood work because I had questionable liver function earlier this year and she wants to see if we can prove it's fatty liver. If the blood work warrants it, I already have the order in hand for a abdominal ultrasound.

She said even if we can't prove that comorbidity, it's enough that my parents are ALREADY deceased - were deceased by 55 (mother) and 61 (father) - for things that are comorbidities. I already have tons of odds against me, I don't need this weight stacking my odds even further!

To me, getting her approval was potentially my biggest stumbling block. Had she said no, I would have gotten myself a new PCP and kept trying. But I like her and I didn't want that hassle which would also potentially become a demotivator.

And I KNOW I'm fat enough. She laughed at that. Was impressed at how much research I've done, what I knew, and how I've been taking care of myself in this endeavor. Wasn't asking for the answers, was asking for endorsement - and from what she said, the people willing to do this from start to finish like this, on their own - if you will, are the successful ones. The people on this website, I'd venture!

Can't be done on your own - don't get me wrong. But I'm not being spoon fed my information. This wasn't suggested to me, I explored the thought. That's what I'm talking about...

Anywho...

She said she has seen it before where people are like me, on the fence with the BMI with no comorbidities. And she's seen - and even supported - minor weight gain to get them to the "acceptable level of fatness". I find that sad. But it's the game we have to play, apparently. Comorbidities help, but I've enjoyed my food this weekend to ensure my weight today and tomorrow would not be an issue.

And hopefully tomorrow can start the six month supervision. And hopefully I can be looking at the March/April time frame.

And if not, I'll take it as it comes.

My biggest stumbling block has been passed. I just feel like now I can say "Ok, hope is on the horizon!"

YAY!

10/05/09: I'm absolutely useless at work!

I am so eager for these dr appt's/consults/seminars! Who in the world is ever EAGER to see a DR? This is NUTS!


Tomorrow I go see my Dr. I hope she feels like I do - that this is a good thing in my case. I know she wants me to lose weight. I'm scared, though, that she's going to say 'do it yourself'. I will be doing it myself - but this tool will HELP give me feedback. I hope I don't come across as using this as a crutch - 'cause I certainly won't be and I certainly am not thinking that way. Seems to me, though, that no matter what I THINK I've said, people hear or read what they want to anyway. So while I say "this isn't a crutch, it's a tool, this isn't a crutch, it's a feedback mechanism", people will hear - "I need a crutch". I don't need a crutch. I need a lasting solution!


Suffice it to say, tomorrow scares me.


Wednesday, on the other hand, is oddly exciting. It's the consult. I know I'm fat. I know my BMI is too high. I know my insurance covers it and I know they want me to do six months of supervised dieting and exercise. I will be eager to get that started and am eager to meet the folks at the surgeons office and to feel like this is starting to go somewhere.


And Thursday night my husband and I will attend a seminar. I figure at this point, with my research and my exploration and the fact that I'll have already been in for the consult, that it might be a lot of repetition. But repetition is good! And my husband and I hearing things together will undoubtedly lead to new questions and even clarification in some cases.


I don't know why I'm so scared of tomorrow. Because even if she's not supportive, how hard is it to get a new doctor? One can generally find the answer they want if they look hard enough. And she's generally been supportive or helpful of me and my issues in the past. I just don't want hassle. I don't want demotivators. I don't want frustration. I know there will be some all over the place along this journey - that's what LIFE is and I've certainly encountered it before and come out stronger for it. Everything happens for a reason and all that....


Anyway, as I sit here at my desk trying to look at my data, I just can't stop thinking about tomorrow and the rest of this week!

10/02/09: My life is changing as I type

I have had quite the week! I have looked at this procedure before but have never been "qualified". Lately, I've become qualified - which was not something I aspired to, let me tell you.



I taught swim lessons in my pool over the summer. I was teaching lessons 6 nights a week (after working a full 9-10 hour day mon-fri) and managed to lose twenty pounds or so. As SOON as the swim lessons came to an end and I was no longer in the pool as much, I gained all that weight back in the span of a week plus a little more to boot. Has anyone ever tried to maintain 6 days of activity, with a minimum of 3 hours of that activity for long? If I was training for something, I could see it. But in that time that I was teaching those lessons, so many other things around the house were not happening.


But this isn't about that. That's just one example of my issues I've dealt with over the years. Suffice it to say, I've got good eating habits, a healthy balanced diet. Six nutritionists have agreed with that over the years. I am active. Always have been. Want to always stay that way! And yet here I am.


Last weekend, I did too much. I cooked for and played games with some friends on Friday night. Saturday I was up and about for a mere 20 hours full of running errands and playing football in a parking lot before watching football (on my feet) in a stadium. Sunday I was swimming all day while bbq'ing and playing with friends and their kids.


Doesn't sound like much. To me it sounds like an ideal weekend. Lots of love and laughter and lots of out and about - not lazing on the couch (which is nice on occasion, don't get me wrong - but only on like weeknights after a long day at work after cooking, cleaning, and working out).


But I have a bad foot. When I was in the Navy my foot was injured in a freak accident and it causes problems to this day. Before I got "heavy" my foot rarely had good days. Since I've been heavy, my foot NEVER has good days - and it's now compounded by my feet having to deal with this weight. They both aren't happy. But my bad foot causes my joints to lock up. And it starts with the foot. Then if I don't chill out, it heads off for my ankle. If I still don't chill out, it heads off for my knee. If I STILL don't chill out, it goes after my hip. And then I'm laid up until my foot can relax which lately is running in the two-three day range.


So last weekend, I got myself all locked up. I KNOW my weight is at the heart of this. I used to "recover" quicker. I used to be ok.


So Monday and Tuesday I was home. Monday I was just me. Tuesday I got a bit sad. And then I asked myself - what can I do about this? Lose weight, obviously. But weightlifting, dieting, walking, swimming - that combination ISN'T working. And when it does work, it only works for so long before it all comes back.


And then I saw a commercial of all things. And I hobbled to my computer to see what I could see. And instantaneously I had hope.


By Wednesday morning at 8 am, I had an appt with my PCP to discuss this. I called my insurance company Tues night to find out if it's covered and what I need to do. By Wednesday morning at 9 am, I had an appt with a surgeon's office to discuss this even further.


I initially thought I would not attend a seminar but by Wednesday afternoon realized it would be beneficial to do so.


And I continued doing research. And I continued asking questions.


I got myself all garbled up yesterday by thinking about just how long this might all take. My insurance company requires six months of doctor supervised weightloss and exercise. Ok. No worries there. I do that anyway. I can do that. Yesterday, though, I was still thinking "I wanted immediate gratification". I also had over three weeks to wait until the appt with the surgeon, so the six months wouldn't even start until then. But last night I got myself calmed down.


That's the thing about me. I can get worked up over nothing. And I can also usually get myself back to functional without much effort. And I did. I wish I could avoid that whole process...but that's me.


So here I am, calm and collected again saying "ok". Whatever. I can do this for six months. I can get my good habits in place and situated. I can start this process without the band and use the band to finish it and then maintain it. No, the band is not a magic little thing that is going to work magic on me. I'm calling it my feedback mechanism. I need to recondition myself and I need to recondition myself PERMANENTLY and that's what I see the band as - the reminder.


And like I said, here I am, calm and collected.


About half an hour ago a strange number called my cell phone. I rarely answer strange numbers so I let it go to voicemail. And a lot of times strange numbers don't leave messages and I say - yay, I didn't waste my time. This strange number DID leave a voicemail. I listened to it and didn't know what to think.


The surgeons office called and needed to reschedule. I'm thinking, oh no, they could barely get me in in three weeks - I don't want to wait to start this process until NOVEMBER. So I went in a quiet room which is what we have in this building since each and everyone of us are in cubicles. And I called them back. And they said - do you prefer afternoon? Yes, but I really just want to get in and get this process started and I'll deal with whatever I have to.


So she says...the best I can do is Oct 12th?


Are you kidding? That's AWESOME!


And then she looks a bit more and says, actually, I can't do that.


DANGIT!


And then she says, it will have to be Oct 7th! At 10:30 AM.


So next week will be my starting point. I will meet with my PCP on Tues. I'm fairly certain she'll give me the letter of medical necessity for a variety of reasons. 1) she's mentioned this before. 2) I'm fat - BMI says it all (even though I don't think a BMI is really a true indicator. I am a lot of muscle - but I certainly have a lot of fat on me, too.) 3) parental histories put me at great risk for TONS of stuff all related to weight. 4) she's generally a nice, helpful doctor who wants to help make life better.


And at the end of the day, that's my goal. Make life better. I don't want to pay a price for having an awesome weekend. I don't want to stop having awesome weekends because I'm scared of the pain and discomfort that follows. I want to be healthy and feel better. I want to STAY healthy! I want to not follow my parents to an early grave.


Like I said, I meet with the PCP on Tues. Meet with the surgeon's RNP on Weds. And then the Lap-Band® seminar Thurs night.


I hope it's a good week.

10/01/09: Not really a blog

I brought this blog over from LBT in January 2010.  If anyone goes back and reads this blog from the beginning, please feel free to comment at any time.  I will get your comment and I'd love to hear what you have to say.