I am "stealing" this from Linda's Bandwidth. I thought it was thought-provoking and wanted to see what I came up with for myself...and so I'm sharing...
A
Age: 34
Annoyance: stupidity (what I think is stupid, not necessarily what is)
Animal: lion
Actor: Jim Parsons (Sheldon on Big Bang Theory)
B
Beer: Sierra Nevada, Heineken or Newcastle
Birthday/Birthplace: Fontana, CA
Body Part on opposite sex: "wings" - lats, basically, the shoulders
Been in Love: Yes, and still am
Been bitched at: Yes
Believe in yourself?: Yes
Believe in God: Yes
Before weight: 264 when I started the "unweightloss" program
C
Car: Grey Honda Accord Coupe of Ford F-150
Candy: yuck - don't like most of it...
Color: green
Cried in school: i'm sure...
Chocolate/Vanilla: vanilla
Chinese/Mexican: Chinese anytime. Real Mexican yes, but NOT Tex-Mex
Cake or pie: neither
Country to visit: Favorites I’ve visited: Iceland, Germany, Hong Kong, Turkey, New Zealand; Want to Visit: Greece, Greenland, Russia
D
Day or Night: Night
Do the splits?: yes
E
Eggs: sunny side up or scrambled
Eyes: green
F
First crush: Erick
First thoughts waking up: Turn that damned thing off!
Food: yes
G
Greatest Fear: Losing my husband
Goals: to have kids, to be successful
Get along with your parents?: Yes and I will always love them - I was incredibly fortunate in the parent arena. My mom was my best friend and I miss her in ways that words cannot begin to explain
Good luck charm:(notion) waking up every morning
H
Hair Color: Brown - turns to red/gold in the summer months
Height: 5'6 (and 7/8)
Happy: yes
Holiday: Christmas
Health freak?: in some ways
Hate: intolerance, judging
I
Ice Cream: yuck - too cold, too sweet
Instrument: organ, flute, piano, percussion
J
Jewelry: love it
Job: Geophysicist
K
Kids: not yet
Kickboxing or karate: kickboxing
Keep a journal? blog
L
Longest Car Ride: from So Cal to Buffalo, NY...from So Cal to Miami, FL...from Cali to anywhere in Canada...
Love: it's the only way to live!
Laughed so hard you cried: Yes
Love at first sight: couldn't have put it into words at the time but I felt it when I met my hubby
M
Milk flavor: skim
Movie: In Love and War; Blackhawk Down
Mooned anyone?: yes
Marriage: 1.5 years and counting( been together for 3)
Motion sickness? No
McD’s or BK: McD
N
Number of Siblings: none
Number of Piercings: 2 in each ear
Number: 43
O
One wish: Happiness
P
Place you’d like to live: League City, TX - my very own corner of the planet is pretty darned good for me
Perfect Pizza: one without pizza sauce and with lots of garlic and basil and a VERY thin crust
Pepsi/Coke: Dr. Pepper
Q
Questionaires: yes
R
Reason to cry: sadness, frustration, irritation, happiness, bliss, exciting happy news
Reality T.V.: Top Chef, Amazing Race, So You Think You Can Dance
Roll your tongue in a circle? Yes
S
Song: whatever I'm listening to
Shoe size: 8 1/2
Salad Dressing: A strawberry/white wine vinaigrette
Skipped school: Yes
Smoking: for almost 15 years
Sing well?: Yes – used to sing as a teenager
Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries
T
Time for bed: never early enough during the week. about 1am on weekends
Thunderstorms: Yes, PLEASE!
TV: Yes, PLEASE!
U
Unpredictable: sometimes
V
Vegetable you hate: lima beans
Vegetable you love: green beans, spinnach, broccoli, zucchini
Vacation spot: A beautiful beach
W
Weakness: my doggie
When you grow up: I want to be self-employed
Which one of your friends acts the most like you: none...I'm enough for all of us
Wanted to be a model?: yes
X
X-Rays: once or twice or more
Y
Year it is now: 2010
Yellow: better than orange
Z
Zoo: it's a good thing we have 'em
Zodiac sign: Leo
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
01/30/10: Good mirrors/Bad mirrors
My husband and I stopped at our favorite Asian Bistro on the way home from work last night. We were going to get ourselves some sushi to take home. A long week and cool weather meant a perfect night to curl up on the couch and watch movies - and maybe even have one of my beloved fires in the fireplace!
The parking lot was rather full and we ended up parking at the end of the strip. We got out of the car and I realized we were right in front of a new boutique-y but not hoity-toity hair salon. I was intrigued.
We had a wonderful hair stylist we used to go to and last summer she passed away. Sad sad story - 43 years old and about eight months into her marriage, it was all just over. But that's not the story I'm here to talk about...
It left us looking for a new stylist, though. With my hair short short short and my looks being unimprovable, for a little while, anyway, I wasn't too worried about finding "the one". We would stop at a chain shop every four weeks or so as I tried to get some length back that could be worked with. And my hubby, well, he's a man...
But this place was intriguing. And there was a sign in the door saying "walkins welcome".
We'd been stewing around all week thinking it was time to get trims...so we walked in.
The lady who is taking walk-ins right now was available for only one cut. My sweet hubby, knowing that I was really unhappy with my hair, said "go ahead". So he wandered down to the sushi place to get a menu while I got my hair washed and conditioned. I got an absolutely phenomenal hair cut. She was meticulous and tried very hard to not cut length off while shaping and texturing it just right. I must admit, I'm still not happy with my hair - but that's because it's too short, not because of how it's styled. It is a good cut and it should hold up better than three weeks. It should also be a style that will continue to grow well. I'd love nothing more than to have the return of my hair length coinciding with my first little bit of noticeable weight loss.
But...sigh....
After the great shampoo and condition, I sit down in her chair and I'm facing a full body length mirror. YUCK! I AM FAT! I hate when I have to sit in front of mirrors that show all of me like that. Here's my legs, my tummy, my shoulders, my arms, my "me" all staring back at me - and it's all PUDGE. I AM FAT!
I have self-diagnosed myself as having Body Dismorphic Disorder. See...the problem is...in my mind's eye, I am still muscular and toned. In my mind's eye, I am still curvy where curves should exist - and not curvy where curves should not exist. I had a similar situation happen at my aunt's house over New Years...we were sitting in her great room and there's a small alcove that has mirrors for the walls. I'm sitting in this chair looking at a profile of myself and I was just horrified by my reflection. Same thing last night. Horrified. She could not get that smock on me fast enough...but by then....
And then I come home. And the mirrors in my house all don't reflect that hideousness I saw last night or at my aunt's. Not great reflections, don't get me wrong. But they somehow reinforce my mind's eye. I still see the curves where curves should exist.
Mirrors. They are just funny things. Which mirror is the more accurate image? That's what I want to know!
And by seeking that answer - doesn't mean I don't think I've got to do something about this. I absolutely do and I'm trying - but in either case, I still am fat. I still need to lose weight. It's just so very odd!
But I got the hair cut.
And now I have a new goal. To look good in that mirror!
I'll be going back to her, too. And so will my hubby. We made him an appt for this morning as we were leaving last night and she razored/trimmed his hair by hand. And it looks better than clippers ever do...so he was pleased, too. Plus, she did a good shampoo - and that's the thing he really cares about.
Here's a pic of the new hair cut...
Not the best picture of me - but
at least I'm trying to let myself take
pictures....part of turning over a
new leaf...
The parking lot was rather full and we ended up parking at the end of the strip. We got out of the car and I realized we were right in front of a new boutique-y but not hoity-toity hair salon. I was intrigued.
We had a wonderful hair stylist we used to go to and last summer she passed away. Sad sad story - 43 years old and about eight months into her marriage, it was all just over. But that's not the story I'm here to talk about...
It left us looking for a new stylist, though. With my hair short short short and my looks being unimprovable, for a little while, anyway, I wasn't too worried about finding "the one". We would stop at a chain shop every four weeks or so as I tried to get some length back that could be worked with. And my hubby, well, he's a man...
But this place was intriguing. And there was a sign in the door saying "walkins welcome".
We'd been stewing around all week thinking it was time to get trims...so we walked in.
The lady who is taking walk-ins right now was available for only one cut. My sweet hubby, knowing that I was really unhappy with my hair, said "go ahead". So he wandered down to the sushi place to get a menu while I got my hair washed and conditioned. I got an absolutely phenomenal hair cut. She was meticulous and tried very hard to not cut length off while shaping and texturing it just right. I must admit, I'm still not happy with my hair - but that's because it's too short, not because of how it's styled. It is a good cut and it should hold up better than three weeks. It should also be a style that will continue to grow well. I'd love nothing more than to have the return of my hair length coinciding with my first little bit of noticeable weight loss.
But...sigh....
After the great shampoo and condition, I sit down in her chair and I'm facing a full body length mirror. YUCK! I AM FAT! I hate when I have to sit in front of mirrors that show all of me like that. Here's my legs, my tummy, my shoulders, my arms, my "me" all staring back at me - and it's all PUDGE. I AM FAT!
I have self-diagnosed myself as having Body Dismorphic Disorder. See...the problem is...in my mind's eye, I am still muscular and toned. In my mind's eye, I am still curvy where curves should exist - and not curvy where curves should not exist. I had a similar situation happen at my aunt's house over New Years...we were sitting in her great room and there's a small alcove that has mirrors for the walls. I'm sitting in this chair looking at a profile of myself and I was just horrified by my reflection. Same thing last night. Horrified. She could not get that smock on me fast enough...but by then....
And then I come home. And the mirrors in my house all don't reflect that hideousness I saw last night or at my aunt's. Not great reflections, don't get me wrong. But they somehow reinforce my mind's eye. I still see the curves where curves should exist.
Mirrors. They are just funny things. Which mirror is the more accurate image? That's what I want to know!
And by seeking that answer - doesn't mean I don't think I've got to do something about this. I absolutely do and I'm trying - but in either case, I still am fat. I still need to lose weight. It's just so very odd!
But I got the hair cut.
And now I have a new goal. To look good in that mirror!
I'll be going back to her, too. And so will my hubby. We made him an appt for this morning as we were leaving last night and she razored/trimmed his hair by hand. And it looks better than clippers ever do...so he was pleased, too. Plus, she did a good shampoo - and that's the thing he really cares about.
Here's a pic of the new hair cut...
Not the best picture of me - but
at least I'm trying to let myself take
pictures....part of turning over a
new leaf...
Monday, January 25, 2010
01/25/10: Who knew...
I don't actually know what we are supposed to know. So I can't really say "who knew" cause I don't really have anything that seems so amazingly logical but yet I just realized it. Nope...don't have it...and...can't say that. But I'm saying it, anyway.
I'm supposed to be losing weight on this supervised weightloss program that I'm supposed to "fail".
And it appears I've gained a pound. Woke up Saturday and it was there - although...last week. Man....
Through the week I gained two pounds. So Saturday I was actually down one from that which meant I was still UP one. But since I was down one on Saturday and I could wear certain clothes to my appt in a week and a half to show weightloss that was unaccounted for at my last appt, I thought if I had to make it work, then at least I could be ok. And then Sunday made it all better. I was down a pound and a half. So this is good. Right? Until I got up today. And I'm back up.
I can still wear certain clothes. But now I'm just flat out scared.
What happens if I gain weight on this "unweightloss" program, as I like to call it. What happens if I can do this tricky stuff for this weigh in but on my very last appt I'm up and I'm just up? Will all six months be for nothing? Or do they really mean what they say - I'm supposed to fail?
I feel stuck. I feel like man oh man but I wish I had the band - cause I could go get a fill.
I've plateaued. I know that. And I know that one of the remarkable things about the band is that (from where I sit anyway) when you plateau - you get a fill. When you are starving all the time - you get a fill. I'm starving all the time. I've plateaued. I think I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be to say "yep, the band is right for me" - but....BUT....I already thought that!
And what happens if this means I've failed incorrectly and I have to start over? Argh, the stress is killing me!
Ok...not really. I'm not being killed. Last week I was stressed because of so many different factors. This week I generally feel better and when I feel better I tolerate stress better.
But I really am worried. I just want this to be over. I want this to be over, I want the scale to respond appropriately, and I want to have a pile of paperwork to submit to the insurance company that the insurance company won't say "no" to.
I'm literally thinking of fasting for the rest of this week. But before I go completely bonkers...I'm trying a full on Atkins diet this week. And if that doesn't work - then next week, I'll try fasting...
That's healthy, right?
Aside from all this shtuff that is just weighing on my mind - I had a great weekend! How about you?
Friday night my sweet hubby and I finally made it to see "The Blind Side". Has anyone seen that? We are both football junkies and have wanted to see it since it came out. But Christmas was busy and things kept popping up. We are glad we saw it on the big screen. It's a great movie. And that's all I'll say!
Saturday was nice and lazy. We should have been working on a project we have self-imposed a deadline for but we decided to just not. We haven't had a lazy day like that in quite awhile. Saturday night we went over to a neighbors house for a bbq and had a nice evening with friends. Sunday was a different sort of day with a lot of prepping for friends coming over to watch the AFC and NFC championship games. I know Sunday didn't help my weightloss cause as I cooked a pork roast that was then shredded and cole slaw...
Sigh...
But the friends showed up and we watched football. I was pleased with the Saints/Vikings game - but I would have been ok with either team winning. In some ways, though, I'm happier the Saints won. It's just remarkable the turnaround they've had and the Vikings sure didn't play like a Super Bowl candidate last night. The Jets/Colts...well...I think I'd rather have had the Jets but I don't hate the Colts so it is what it is.
And last but not least, I'm blogging here now but there will be changes to this here blog over the next week. I want to get my page more "me" and I will be bringing over the blogs from LBT slowly but surely. I'm not going to backtrack with my thoughts to say what I've said elsewhere - but I see I have followers who I don't think knew me on LBT...so maybe once those blogs get over here I will make more sense.
I thought that was my last but not least, but before I could click "PUBLISH POST", my sweet wonderful hubby called! He was told in November that they were putting his name in for a promotion. His department is being reorganized. We thought this meant his boss was being promoted to "Director" and that my sweet hubby would move into that manager's old position. But the bad side of this was he "might not get a pay raise for this upward promotion". He got the promotion, today. He is moving into his bosses position and the boss is moving up, as well. And furthermore, he DID get a payraise! What a fantabulous Monday!
Now if I could just lose a measely little pound or two...
I'm supposed to be losing weight on this supervised weightloss program that I'm supposed to "fail".
And it appears I've gained a pound. Woke up Saturday and it was there - although...last week. Man....
Through the week I gained two pounds. So Saturday I was actually down one from that which meant I was still UP one. But since I was down one on Saturday and I could wear certain clothes to my appt in a week and a half to show weightloss that was unaccounted for at my last appt, I thought if I had to make it work, then at least I could be ok. And then Sunday made it all better. I was down a pound and a half. So this is good. Right? Until I got up today. And I'm back up.
I can still wear certain clothes. But now I'm just flat out scared.
What happens if I gain weight on this "unweightloss" program, as I like to call it. What happens if I can do this tricky stuff for this weigh in but on my very last appt I'm up and I'm just up? Will all six months be for nothing? Or do they really mean what they say - I'm supposed to fail?
I feel stuck. I feel like man oh man but I wish I had the band - cause I could go get a fill.
I've plateaued. I know that. And I know that one of the remarkable things about the band is that (from where I sit anyway) when you plateau - you get a fill. When you are starving all the time - you get a fill. I'm starving all the time. I've plateaued. I think I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be to say "yep, the band is right for me" - but....BUT....I already thought that!
And what happens if this means I've failed incorrectly and I have to start over? Argh, the stress is killing me!
Ok...not really. I'm not being killed. Last week I was stressed because of so many different factors. This week I generally feel better and when I feel better I tolerate stress better.
But I really am worried. I just want this to be over. I want this to be over, I want the scale to respond appropriately, and I want to have a pile of paperwork to submit to the insurance company that the insurance company won't say "no" to.
I'm literally thinking of fasting for the rest of this week. But before I go completely bonkers...I'm trying a full on Atkins diet this week. And if that doesn't work - then next week, I'll try fasting...
That's healthy, right?
Aside from all this shtuff that is just weighing on my mind - I had a great weekend! How about you?
Friday night my sweet hubby and I finally made it to see "The Blind Side". Has anyone seen that? We are both football junkies and have wanted to see it since it came out. But Christmas was busy and things kept popping up. We are glad we saw it on the big screen. It's a great movie. And that's all I'll say!
Saturday was nice and lazy. We should have been working on a project we have self-imposed a deadline for but we decided to just not. We haven't had a lazy day like that in quite awhile. Saturday night we went over to a neighbors house for a bbq and had a nice evening with friends. Sunday was a different sort of day with a lot of prepping for friends coming over to watch the AFC and NFC championship games. I know Sunday didn't help my weightloss cause as I cooked a pork roast that was then shredded and cole slaw...
Sigh...
But the friends showed up and we watched football. I was pleased with the Saints/Vikings game - but I would have been ok with either team winning. In some ways, though, I'm happier the Saints won. It's just remarkable the turnaround they've had and the Vikings sure didn't play like a Super Bowl candidate last night. The Jets/Colts...well...I think I'd rather have had the Jets but I don't hate the Colts so it is what it is.
And last but not least, I'm blogging here now but there will be changes to this here blog over the next week. I want to get my page more "me" and I will be bringing over the blogs from LBT slowly but surely. I'm not going to backtrack with my thoughts to say what I've said elsewhere - but I see I have followers who I don't think knew me on LBT...so maybe once those blogs get over here I will make more sense.
I thought that was my last but not least, but before I could click "PUBLISH POST", my sweet wonderful hubby called! He was told in November that they were putting his name in for a promotion. His department is being reorganized. We thought this meant his boss was being promoted to "Director" and that my sweet hubby would move into that manager's old position. But the bad side of this was he "might not get a pay raise for this upward promotion". He got the promotion, today. He is moving into his bosses position and the boss is moving up, as well. And furthermore, he DID get a payraise! What a fantabulous Monday!
Now if I could just lose a measely little pound or two...
Friday, January 22, 2010
01/22/10: Am I moving?
I like the idea of moving my blog over here. Seems like maybe I can feel alright about talking about life and not just talk about the band.
Please be warned, I get wordy. I get lengthy. However, please keep in mind that in general, even my gripes are shared with a smile on my face.
There are a few blogs on LBT I like to follow because they are oh-so-incredibly INSPIRATIONAL (
Band_Groupie, you know who you are). So when she claimed it was moving day - I had to find out. I can think of maybe one or two more bloggers who might make me do such things...
But then I get here...and I see all these other bloggers who I want to read like yesterday. So I'm working on that.
So, in the meantime, allow me to introduce myself.
My name is LDswims. LD for my first two initials and swims because it's my favorite pass time. I learned to swim before I learned to walk. Funny story. Maybe I'll share it another time. I started on my first swim team at the age of 4 and was on a team through high school.
I live outside of Houston, TX but grew up in Southern California. I miss the beaches but that's about all. The people in Houston are amazingly friendly and, in my particular community, I could not ask for a better life. I still marvel at how this great big huge city is filled with people that still understand and respect manners and courtesy.
I am a Geophysicist by title and an Oceanographer by education. My whole working life has revolved around the oceans - from serving in the Navy for over ten years to studying it in school and now exploring it for "work". I love this planet and how it takes care of itself and us.
And I am trying to embark on the lap-band journey. I am four months into a six month supervised weightloss program. I have about six weeks left and then hopefully my insurance company will approve me. Up to this point, my blog has been about this ridiculous game and how I've handled it, what I've learned from it, and where I hope it goes.
And that's me. More to come...don't worry...unless you know better.
PS - Added on 01/26/10: Anything older than this blog has been imported from LBT. I will be doing this slowly but surely, working forwards from when I started blogging. Happy Reading!
Please be warned, I get wordy. I get lengthy. However, please keep in mind that in general, even my gripes are shared with a smile on my face.
There are a few blogs on LBT I like to follow because they are oh-so-incredibly INSPIRATIONAL (
Band_Groupie, you know who you are). So when she claimed it was moving day - I had to find out. I can think of maybe one or two more bloggers who might make me do such things...
But then I get here...and I see all these other bloggers who I want to read like yesterday. So I'm working on that.
So, in the meantime, allow me to introduce myself.
My name is LDswims. LD for my first two initials and swims because it's my favorite pass time. I learned to swim before I learned to walk. Funny story. Maybe I'll share it another time. I started on my first swim team at the age of 4 and was on a team through high school.
I live outside of Houston, TX but grew up in Southern California. I miss the beaches but that's about all. The people in Houston are amazingly friendly and, in my particular community, I could not ask for a better life. I still marvel at how this great big huge city is filled with people that still understand and respect manners and courtesy.
I am a Geophysicist by title and an Oceanographer by education. My whole working life has revolved around the oceans - from serving in the Navy for over ten years to studying it in school and now exploring it for "work". I love this planet and how it takes care of itself and us.
And I am trying to embark on the lap-band journey. I am four months into a six month supervised weightloss program. I have about six weeks left and then hopefully my insurance company will approve me. Up to this point, my blog has been about this ridiculous game and how I've handled it, what I've learned from it, and where I hope it goes.
And that's me. More to come...don't worry...unless you know better.
PS - Added on 01/26/10: Anything older than this blog has been imported from LBT. I will be doing this slowly but surely, working forwards from when I started blogging. Happy Reading!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
01/21/10: And here we are...again...
The thing I love about myself is that when I get down and grumpy and irritated and miserable - it doesn't last long!
Yay! I'm back!
It's always a tiny little teensy eensy thing that makes me go "what was I so bothered about?"
It's this kind of perpetual circle. I want out of the bad mood so badly that I'm running in circles - and getting irritated accordingly - to get out of the bad mood - which just exacerbates my bad mood. And then something eensy teensy happens and I'm fine.
Hopefully this blog won't read like me last two. What I do have to say about the last two, though, is that to me, it's part of what this process is like - for those that have to go through the danged program. Those feelings are real and I've read them elsewhere and it's better to be aware than to be surprised when the irritable grumpiness happens. I could have kept it all to myself and I would have gotten over it all just like I have with letting it out. Letting it out didn't make me feel better and it didn't make me feel worse. The people who piped up and said "dude, we're here for you", well, that helped, but me typing out how stupid I was thinking, that didn't make me feel better or worse. But if someone reads it and says to themselves, "that's how I feel" - well then the work of the blog is done.
Anywho.
I had my annual well woman exam this morning. And this doc is something special. I think he suffers worse PMS than I ever have. Sooooo moody and if you catch him on the wrong day, man, hold your head in your hands cause if you don't, you may lose it.
Today was a good day.
The last time I saw this doc was in November when I approached him to ask for his endorsement for this surgery. He was not so very kind in saying his opinions on my weight gain were that I was basically stupid. It was a less than fulfilling meeting but at the end of the day, he did give me his endorsement and I figured "whatever".
His endorsement meaning a Letter of Medical Necessity.
Today, though...wow.
I didn't know who I was going to meet today.
I've now seen this guy 4 times and I've had 2 wonderful appts and 2 nail-scraping-on-chalkboard appts. I have always loved the office staff there, though, and, in anticipation of having to switch to a new doc in the same office when my hubby and I get pregnant, I've dealt with it.
Anywho. Today.
FABULOUS GUY!
He was chatty, he was sweet, he was positive, he was upbeat, he was in a great mood and even complimentary!
Started with - how was your New Year.
I'm thinking, ok...
Asked if I had questions. I asked his input on actually getting pregnant after being banded. I hear 2 years before we start trying and I don't know that I buy that, personally, especially when considering my case.
Not saying I want to get banded and then immediately start trying to get pregnant.
What I think is that if I focus this year on losing weight, that going into 2011 we should be in a good place for starting to try. If I can lose even just 66 pounds this year, I'll be at a normal BMI. If I can get banded in Feb or March, as has been discussed, then that seems doable. Say it was the end of Feb - that gives me 10 months to lose 66 pounds which means an average of 6.6 pounds a month. Seems to me that most do better than that when they try...and I'll certainly be trying.
So we had a conversation about that. And he thought it was all very doable and reasonable. If I were heavier then it might be more important to focus on two years. But I'm not heavier. And I am older, too. For a first pregnancy anyway.
And then he really surprised me. He complimented me. Said "you are doing well already!"
What? YOU are saying something NICE to ME?
Who ARE you?
In a moment I wish I could undo - he said he wants me to do my baseline mammogram this year. This summer. Really? Am I there already?
But then the whole thing got eery. He got cute. He says, as we are saying our good byes....
"I can't wait to see you next year and I hope to see less of you." Noticing that he was possibly sticking his foot in his mouth he says - "well not less frequently, just less person". Noticing he was still possibly sticking his foot in his mouth he started to stammer. And I'm just smiling cause I know what he means and I know where he's coming from and it's really cute and not bugging me and I even thought it was funny - and right on the dot. So I Iet him off the hook and said "I know what you mean and it sounds great to me, too!" He smiled and shook my hand and said he couldn't wait to see me next year - keep up the good work.
Really? 10 pounds is good work? 10 pounds in 4 months?
I guess it's something. But it's not a lot...
I have to chuckle - cause it is a lot when I consider how I've done it. Given the program and it's design, it's been half-hearted and half-arsed.
Sigh. I really can't wait to just let myself go and TRY!
Anywho.
Who knows if I will get banded. Who knows if this is all for nothing or all for something. But somehow, this appt gave me a warm fuzzy feeling and now I just feel better.
Add to that - the cold is still on the retreat and I feel ~95% finally. Still a bit of a stuffed up nose - but nothing I can't start to attribute to allergies.
Speaking of which, I think I'll go get some decongestants...
Yay! I'm back!
It's always a tiny little teensy eensy thing that makes me go "what was I so bothered about?"
It's this kind of perpetual circle. I want out of the bad mood so badly that I'm running in circles - and getting irritated accordingly - to get out of the bad mood - which just exacerbates my bad mood. And then something eensy teensy happens and I'm fine.
Hopefully this blog won't read like me last two. What I do have to say about the last two, though, is that to me, it's part of what this process is like - for those that have to go through the danged program. Those feelings are real and I've read them elsewhere and it's better to be aware than to be surprised when the irritable grumpiness happens. I could have kept it all to myself and I would have gotten over it all just like I have with letting it out. Letting it out didn't make me feel better and it didn't make me feel worse. The people who piped up and said "dude, we're here for you", well, that helped, but me typing out how stupid I was thinking, that didn't make me feel better or worse. But if someone reads it and says to themselves, "that's how I feel" - well then the work of the blog is done.
Anywho.
I had my annual well woman exam this morning. And this doc is something special. I think he suffers worse PMS than I ever have. Sooooo moody and if you catch him on the wrong day, man, hold your head in your hands cause if you don't, you may lose it.
Today was a good day.
The last time I saw this doc was in November when I approached him to ask for his endorsement for this surgery. He was not so very kind in saying his opinions on my weight gain were that I was basically stupid. It was a less than fulfilling meeting but at the end of the day, he did give me his endorsement and I figured "whatever".
His endorsement meaning a Letter of Medical Necessity.
Today, though...wow.
I didn't know who I was going to meet today.
I've now seen this guy 4 times and I've had 2 wonderful appts and 2 nail-scraping-on-chalkboard appts. I have always loved the office staff there, though, and, in anticipation of having to switch to a new doc in the same office when my hubby and I get pregnant, I've dealt with it.
Anywho. Today.
FABULOUS GUY!
He was chatty, he was sweet, he was positive, he was upbeat, he was in a great mood and even complimentary!
Started with - how was your New Year.
I'm thinking, ok...
Asked if I had questions. I asked his input on actually getting pregnant after being banded. I hear 2 years before we start trying and I don't know that I buy that, personally, especially when considering my case.
Not saying I want to get banded and then immediately start trying to get pregnant.
What I think is that if I focus this year on losing weight, that going into 2011 we should be in a good place for starting to try. If I can lose even just 66 pounds this year, I'll be at a normal BMI. If I can get banded in Feb or March, as has been discussed, then that seems doable. Say it was the end of Feb - that gives me 10 months to lose 66 pounds which means an average of 6.6 pounds a month. Seems to me that most do better than that when they try...and I'll certainly be trying.
So we had a conversation about that. And he thought it was all very doable and reasonable. If I were heavier then it might be more important to focus on two years. But I'm not heavier. And I am older, too. For a first pregnancy anyway.
And then he really surprised me. He complimented me. Said "you are doing well already!"
What? YOU are saying something NICE to ME?
Who ARE you?
In a moment I wish I could undo - he said he wants me to do my baseline mammogram this year. This summer. Really? Am I there already?
But then the whole thing got eery. He got cute. He says, as we are saying our good byes....
"I can't wait to see you next year and I hope to see less of you." Noticing that he was possibly sticking his foot in his mouth he says - "well not less frequently, just less person". Noticing he was still possibly sticking his foot in his mouth he started to stammer. And I'm just smiling cause I know what he means and I know where he's coming from and it's really cute and not bugging me and I even thought it was funny - and right on the dot. So I Iet him off the hook and said "I know what you mean and it sounds great to me, too!" He smiled and shook my hand and said he couldn't wait to see me next year - keep up the good work.
Really? 10 pounds is good work? 10 pounds in 4 months?
I guess it's something. But it's not a lot...
I have to chuckle - cause it is a lot when I consider how I've done it. Given the program and it's design, it's been half-hearted and half-arsed.
Sigh. I really can't wait to just let myself go and TRY!
Anywho.
Who knows if I will get banded. Who knows if this is all for nothing or all for something. But somehow, this appt gave me a warm fuzzy feeling and now I just feel better.
Add to that - the cold is still on the retreat and I feel ~95% finally. Still a bit of a stuffed up nose - but nothing I can't start to attribute to allergies.
Speaking of which, I think I'll go get some decongestants...
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
01/20/10: Life marches on...
I think the cold that was beating me up on Monday is finally receding. Now there's a recession to appreciate!
I don't think I realized quite how badly I felt on Monday. But I think I felt so badly that I was quite grumpy and my perspective is...ummm...not so positive...when I'm grumpy. My mom used to hate me grumpy. I think my husband doesn't know what to do with me grumpy...
I don't either for that matter. But it happens. And sometimes I can figure out what's causing it and can then put myself in check. And other times it's just this thing that gets to badger me all day. And Monday was one such day. Didn't feel bad enough to know I felt bad. But didn't feel good enough to feel good, either.
(For the record, I'm not grumpy today, I'm stressed. There's a difference, although it's a fine line...)
By Tuesday I was done. I slept ALL day yesterday. Alarm went off and I thought to myself - there's just no way. I think this next thing speaks volumes - when I said to my hubby - I'm staying home - he normally says "are you sure?" and yesterday he just said "ok". So I went back to sleep. I woke up at 12:30 and was back asleep by 1. I woke up again at 1:30 and had to run an errand. I was back in bed by 2:30 and slept until 7 last night. And finally I was asleep by 9 for the night.
I feel human today!
And to make it even better - the scale dropped this morning, too! Didn't take any dayquil today and won't take any nyquil tonight. Not saying I've beat this cold - but it sure is receding!
It's been odd this winter. Normally I have one cold when school starts in the fall and one cold when school starts in January. This year - I've had a constant cold since November with a bout of gastroenteritis for good (HA) measure. I'm so sick of being sick.
I think that'd make even the happiest of people grumpy. I'm normally pretty happy, too!
So the scale dropped this morning. Not enough to make me say "ok, I'm good for the next weigh-in" but it was enough that I can now say to myself "ok, if I do this and this, then I'll be good for the next weigh-in". I have two weeks to make something happen - something meaning a pound or two. Seems do-able.
I do think my body has plateau-ed. It has done all it's going to do from just changing what I eat and how I think about it. Now don't take that as me saying "I've got the eating part all figured out" - cause I certainly don't.
I'm on an unweightloss program and with this, I have had a bit of, "well, I'm not banded yet, and I can't lose too much weight here, so I'll eat a little more of this, or a serving of that, or..." In other words, I apply the rules only insofar as I feel I can afford to. I don't have the impression that I can just lose the weight and so I'm constantly doing and undoing my progress.
And I hate that. But that's neither here nor there.
What I do know is that even with this doing and undoing, my body has been responding in manner X. And this month my body is responding in manner Y. Which leads me to believe I've plateaued. So I have to change gears a bit. I feel like I have two options. I can stop the doing and undoing and just do. Or I can continue with the doing and undoing and add in light exercise.
For my mental health - I want my endorphines back - I am opting for the light exercise option.
I wish someone could get out there crystal ball and tell me that this stress I am feeling is worth it. Will this even happen?
I am not the sort that gets colds and flus and gastroenteritis' so easily. I used to work offshore and I went out on my vessel one time with 24 other people. 24 other people shared bronchitis, gastroenteritis, colds and more and I got NOTHING. We were out there for five weeks and these bugs kept getting passed back and forth and all around the crew. I got nothing! I was happy as a clam and not stressed and enjoying life. I got home to a sick fiance (had bronchitis) and still got nothing.
Stress matters. And the stress of this gosh-darned-stupid-as-all-get-out "unweightloss" program is killing me! Add to this the economy and this feeling that it's just a matter of time before I lose my job...and I'm stressed. Downright, nothing else to call it, S T R E S S E D!
So tell me. This one thing that I am truly adding to myself (cause I'm causing all my stress, but as much as I'm causing it, external factors are also at play) but this one thing - it's all me. I could say I'm not doing it, I'm not stressing about it, I'm done - but then I could just be fat forever. So tell me. WILL THIS STRESS BE WORTH IT?
If I get banded, yes. It's worth it. BUT WILL I GET BANDED?
ugh.
and sigh.
and ugh again.
I want to NOT HAVE A COLD. For the rest of this year. Not just this season. Not next season, either.
I want the economy to turn around. I want job security. Can't we all just get along?
I just want this phase to be over.
Over dangit, over!
I don't think I realized quite how badly I felt on Monday. But I think I felt so badly that I was quite grumpy and my perspective is...ummm...not so positive...when I'm grumpy. My mom used to hate me grumpy. I think my husband doesn't know what to do with me grumpy...
I don't either for that matter. But it happens. And sometimes I can figure out what's causing it and can then put myself in check. And other times it's just this thing that gets to badger me all day. And Monday was one such day. Didn't feel bad enough to know I felt bad. But didn't feel good enough to feel good, either.
(For the record, I'm not grumpy today, I'm stressed. There's a difference, although it's a fine line...)
By Tuesday I was done. I slept ALL day yesterday. Alarm went off and I thought to myself - there's just no way. I think this next thing speaks volumes - when I said to my hubby - I'm staying home - he normally says "are you sure?" and yesterday he just said "ok". So I went back to sleep. I woke up at 12:30 and was back asleep by 1. I woke up again at 1:30 and had to run an errand. I was back in bed by 2:30 and slept until 7 last night. And finally I was asleep by 9 for the night.
I feel human today!
And to make it even better - the scale dropped this morning, too! Didn't take any dayquil today and won't take any nyquil tonight. Not saying I've beat this cold - but it sure is receding!
It's been odd this winter. Normally I have one cold when school starts in the fall and one cold when school starts in January. This year - I've had a constant cold since November with a bout of gastroenteritis for good (HA) measure. I'm so sick of being sick.
I think that'd make even the happiest of people grumpy. I'm normally pretty happy, too!
So the scale dropped this morning. Not enough to make me say "ok, I'm good for the next weigh-in" but it was enough that I can now say to myself "ok, if I do this and this, then I'll be good for the next weigh-in". I have two weeks to make something happen - something meaning a pound or two. Seems do-able.
I do think my body has plateau-ed. It has done all it's going to do from just changing what I eat and how I think about it. Now don't take that as me saying "I've got the eating part all figured out" - cause I certainly don't.
I'm on an unweightloss program and with this, I have had a bit of, "well, I'm not banded yet, and I can't lose too much weight here, so I'll eat a little more of this, or a serving of that, or..." In other words, I apply the rules only insofar as I feel I can afford to. I don't have the impression that I can just lose the weight and so I'm constantly doing and undoing my progress.
And I hate that. But that's neither here nor there.
What I do know is that even with this doing and undoing, my body has been responding in manner X. And this month my body is responding in manner Y. Which leads me to believe I've plateaued. So I have to change gears a bit. I feel like I have two options. I can stop the doing and undoing and just do. Or I can continue with the doing and undoing and add in light exercise.
For my mental health - I want my endorphines back - I am opting for the light exercise option.
I wish someone could get out there crystal ball and tell me that this stress I am feeling is worth it. Will this even happen?
I am not the sort that gets colds and flus and gastroenteritis' so easily. I used to work offshore and I went out on my vessel one time with 24 other people. 24 other people shared bronchitis, gastroenteritis, colds and more and I got NOTHING. We were out there for five weeks and these bugs kept getting passed back and forth and all around the crew. I got nothing! I was happy as a clam and not stressed and enjoying life. I got home to a sick fiance (had bronchitis) and still got nothing.
Stress matters. And the stress of this gosh-darned-stupid-as-all-get-out "unweightloss" program is killing me! Add to this the economy and this feeling that it's just a matter of time before I lose my job...and I'm stressed. Downright, nothing else to call it, S T R E S S E D!
So tell me. This one thing that I am truly adding to myself (cause I'm causing all my stress, but as much as I'm causing it, external factors are also at play) but this one thing - it's all me. I could say I'm not doing it, I'm not stressing about it, I'm done - but then I could just be fat forever. So tell me. WILL THIS STRESS BE WORTH IT?
If I get banded, yes. It's worth it. BUT WILL I GET BANDED?
ugh.
and sigh.
and ugh again.
I want to NOT HAVE A COLD. For the rest of this year. Not just this season. Not next season, either.
I want the economy to turn around. I want job security. Can't we all just get along?
I just want this phase to be over.
Over dangit, over!
Monday, January 18, 2010
01/18/10: And here we are...
It's a Monday. It's January 18th. That's about all I can say today.
To those that say the last month or two of the danged "unweightloss" program go by fast - go to friggin heck! This is way slower than it used to was.
The first four months I could sit there and think about everything else - still about the band, but it was everything else. But now, I'm in this kind of almost like agony just wondering if this is all for not. Will I even get approved for surgery? Will I have to go through years of appeals? Will this even happen?
I know, years of appeals is exagerating. We hope.
I have two and a half weeks until my next weigh in. And then presumably four more weeks until my last weigh in. Seems like I should be excited about, conceivably, just six and a half more weeks to go. And yet it feels like torture. Because I don't even know what will happen after these six and a half weeks.
In other news, I got my bloodwork results back. I still have high cholesterol. No surprise there. But what IS surprising is that it's not nearly as high as it used to was. It is already coming down. I sure didn't see that coming. I'm supposed to go check in with my PCP about this, but, you know...it's coming down without medical intervention. I want to get banded and see what else happens...
So there I go again...will I even get banded?
Ugh, six weeks. And that's just to finish this danged program. I thought I was at peace with it but apparently I'm not. I do, however, think I'm at a place where I can start working out again. The weight I thought I lost last week decided it missed me...which means I'm exactly where I was at my last weigh-in. I can wear lighter clothes for my next weigh-in cause it appears winter is over. From four days in freezing temps all the way to mid-70's this week. Ugh! I WANT WINTER!
Dangit Texas. Darned temperate climate....
Maybe I'm grumpy today. Just maybe. Spent all weekend fighting a cold and sleeping and now sweet hubby is home today with a day off - they call it a holiday at his place of employment. We are here keeping the computers whirring but I'm sooo not feeling it. Probably cause I'm grumpy. Not feeling anything other than GRRRR.
And for what. When I feel grrr, lately, I ask myself why. Does the alternative beat this? So what's my alternative. I could not be trying to get the lap-band®® and I could still be struggling with my weight. Oh, wait. I am still struggling and even feeling defeated. I could not feel badly because of a cold on top of a cold I still hadn't quite beat. Oh wait, well, I'd rather NOT have the cold! I could not have a job. Ok...I'll pass on that one. I want to keep this job!
I guess I could join the ranks of BG et. al. and be plugged up. I'm tellin' you - the smoothie works wonders. I am sooo not the regular type when I don't drink the smoothie. One smoothie and one cup of coffee works wonders on me, though. We shall see what happens after the band...dangit - will I even get banded?
I'm so very all over the place and it's so very how I feel right now. I just want to know that this program is/will be worth it. I want to know that I will get banded. I want to know that life is on the mend, so to speak. I want to know that my new efforts are worth it. It doesn't help that at work I'm doing about the most mindless thing we do and it appears this is what I get to do for the next two months or so. It doesn't help because doing this mindless crap means my mind can race to other things I'd rather not even be conscious of - like will I even get banded?
At least I have a job...At least I have a job...At least I have a job...At least I have a job...At least I have a job...At least I have a job...At least I have a job...
Sigh...
And here we are...
To those that say the last month or two of the danged "unweightloss" program go by fast - go to friggin heck! This is way slower than it used to was.
The first four months I could sit there and think about everything else - still about the band, but it was everything else. But now, I'm in this kind of almost like agony just wondering if this is all for not. Will I even get approved for surgery? Will I have to go through years of appeals? Will this even happen?
I know, years of appeals is exagerating. We hope.
I have two and a half weeks until my next weigh in. And then presumably four more weeks until my last weigh in. Seems like I should be excited about, conceivably, just six and a half more weeks to go. And yet it feels like torture. Because I don't even know what will happen after these six and a half weeks.
In other news, I got my bloodwork results back. I still have high cholesterol. No surprise there. But what IS surprising is that it's not nearly as high as it used to was. It is already coming down. I sure didn't see that coming. I'm supposed to go check in with my PCP about this, but, you know...it's coming down without medical intervention. I want to get banded and see what else happens...
So there I go again...will I even get banded?
Ugh, six weeks. And that's just to finish this danged program. I thought I was at peace with it but apparently I'm not. I do, however, think I'm at a place where I can start working out again. The weight I thought I lost last week decided it missed me...which means I'm exactly where I was at my last weigh-in. I can wear lighter clothes for my next weigh-in cause it appears winter is over. From four days in freezing temps all the way to mid-70's this week. Ugh! I WANT WINTER!
Dangit Texas. Darned temperate climate....
Maybe I'm grumpy today. Just maybe. Spent all weekend fighting a cold and sleeping and now sweet hubby is home today with a day off - they call it a holiday at his place of employment. We are here keeping the computers whirring but I'm sooo not feeling it. Probably cause I'm grumpy. Not feeling anything other than GRRRR.
And for what. When I feel grrr, lately, I ask myself why. Does the alternative beat this? So what's my alternative. I could not be trying to get the lap-band®® and I could still be struggling with my weight. Oh, wait. I am still struggling and even feeling defeated. I could not feel badly because of a cold on top of a cold I still hadn't quite beat. Oh wait, well, I'd rather NOT have the cold! I could not have a job. Ok...I'll pass on that one. I want to keep this job!
I guess I could join the ranks of BG et. al. and be plugged up. I'm tellin' you - the smoothie works wonders. I am sooo not the regular type when I don't drink the smoothie. One smoothie and one cup of coffee works wonders on me, though. We shall see what happens after the band...dangit - will I even get banded?
I'm so very all over the place and it's so very how I feel right now. I just want to know that this program is/will be worth it. I want to know that I will get banded. I want to know that life is on the mend, so to speak. I want to know that my new efforts are worth it. It doesn't help that at work I'm doing about the most mindless thing we do and it appears this is what I get to do for the next two months or so. It doesn't help because doing this mindless crap means my mind can race to other things I'd rather not even be conscious of - like will I even get banded?
At least I have a job...At least I have a job...At least I have a job...At least I have a job...At least I have a job...At least I have a job...At least I have a job...
Sigh...
And here we are...
Friday, January 15, 2010
01/15/10: Whoever coulda thunk it...
The MIL and her sweet hubby had to come to Houston for business. They arrived Weds morning and stayed in a hotel on the north side of town that day.
Initially they asked us to drive that 50 miles to see them after a long day of work and sitting in extra traffic to do so. Because of a certain situation my sweet hubby and I are dealing with, we asked to meet in the middle.
The next day they say to us, well, it just won't work out.
But it worked out for the better. Because since it "just wouldn't work out" they decided to stay in Houston an extra day. And not having business on the north side of town on that additional day, they could just come stay with us. So they did. They were there and waiting (inside, of course) when we got home yesterday and we spent a wonderful evening together.
I did my chicken in the crock pot. Take a whole roasting chicken, wash, pat dry, then, sprinkle with salt and pepper and throw just that in the pot. Set the pot to low and when you come home from work or errands or whatever, the chicken is so tender and juicy it's falling apart. (ok, takes about 8 hours min, but more time in the pot on low just makes it better...)
It's SOOOO tender and juicy. And whatever you want to do to it for flavor works as well as doing nothing.
I served that with a zucchini souffle. Wanting less starch, I thought that was a good balance of having A LOT of veggies and a little starch. Mix up a cup of flour, a tsp of baking powder, a pinch of paprika and some salt and pepper; then add 4 beaten eggs; and finally add 1 chopped onion and 3-4 zucchini. I added about a cup of cheese last night - a blend of cheddar, monterey and jack. Throw that in the oven at 350 for about an hour and you get a nice light fluffy thing. It's got bunches of protein - for a veggie/starch dish - and not a lot of carbs. (16 grams) Not something I'd make every day or even often, but for a change of pace and just something different, it was a nice dish.
So we sit down to dinner and they are just in awe over how wonderful the chicken was, how flavorful the zucchini was, and how easily it all came together. As a working person, I gotta say, I DO love the crock pot!
So after dinner was eaten, we set the hot tub to heat. Eventually it was warm enough to move out to stew ourselves and so we did. And once we did, the conversation really relaxed.
It all started with her bringing up the breakfast casseroles she made the last time we visisted her and when she did, my sweet hubby made sure to mention to her that she cannot make those for me anymore. She made one for me and one for my hubby. My hubby's was a grits casserole. I HATE grits. Can't stand the consistency and generally no flavor unless you add crap. For me, she made a hash brown casserole. And it was LOADED with hash browns. If it had been loaded with sausage and had some hash browns that might have helped but it was about 1 lb of sausage and 3 pounds of hash browns all mixed with about 2 eggs. Anywho, since I AM trying to keep the protein up and the carbs down, that's not a great start to the day. And the interesting thing was, until I ate lunch and could get some protein in me, I was famished. It was kind of interesting to me and really drove a point home (a point I was pretty sure that I had already learned).
So when he said last night, you can't make that stuff for your DIL anymore, she said...
I don't really remember what she said....
But it did turn into a long conversation about nutrition and dietary needs/concerns/awarenesses/issues.
She is, like sooooo many people, soooo worried about eating "too much meat". And the category "meat" encompassed chicken, fish, etc in this conversation.
I told her about the "equation" to determine how much protein she should be eating in a day. My hubby and I talked about how to take good-for-you-foods and make them even better for you.
And all the while I was kind of getting the impression that, like my sweet hubby, she's going to try and lose weight vicariously through me. What I learn, she employs. What I try - she will too. So from this whole conversation, she's going to go home and 1) eat the protein first, 2) figure out how much protein she needs in a day for her current weight, 3) eat as much protein as she needs instead of trying to cut back on it, 4) use our smoothie ideas and knowledge. Like us, she likes a smoothie best for breakfast but, like so many, has the idea that it should be pretty liquidy and not have any additives (like flaxseed oil or protein powder). My hubby and I have learned that in addition to switching to Fage (finally found it) and adding flaxseed oil, that if it's thicker, it holds us over longer. That whole slider vs. substantial food thing.
She questioned me on the zucchini souffle - good for her. I had never made it before, and while I will make it again, it will be special things like visits from the in-laws. I talked about something I believe which is that I don't want to diet to lose weight. I want to eat normally and more important,healthily. We had a whole long tangential conversation about if you do ketosis to lose the weight (even with the band) and then you get to your ideal weight and then the band is loosened for maintenance weight, well, you could be in trouble if you suddenly have to learn how to eat all over again. Without the band, that switch could be even worse. You should do, to lose weight, what you will do, to maintain weight. Lose weight = less intake. Maintain weight = optimal intake. But if you eat differently for either "phase", well, it could be a recipe for disaster. She agrees. She's going to try for 1200 calories a day until maintenance mode.
So I'm getting pretty long. But it was a pretty good night filled with interesting conversation and even some affirmation. I love affirmation!
The candor last night was great, to me. For example, if one of my friends who is judging me about this decision asked me about the souffle, I'd go on the defensive. But with the MIL, I was pleased she questioned it, appreciated her reasoning for questioning it - and she agreed with my answer for why I chose to make it, anyway. No one has ever said the band is about eating boring, dry, flavorless, uninteresting food. It's about eating less of all of it - good and bad - and really questioning why or how much of the "bad stuff' you need. And the answer to needing bad stuff is YOU DON'T NEED IT. So then "why" do you want it? And sometimes, just sometimes, the answer is ok. And sometimes, just sometimes, it's ok to go ahead and eat a very small portion of that bad stuff.
Anyway, if I don't stop here, I will never stop typing...so I'll just finish with...what started out as a long week with too much to process, for my sweet hubby and I, has turned out to be a week full of blessings and revelations. Life is good. (and then I think of Haiti...my heart goes out to the people of Haiti and I wish that my sweet hubby and I could do something and/or more to help than just donate to Red Cross. But at least that's something... sigh....)
Initially they asked us to drive that 50 miles to see them after a long day of work and sitting in extra traffic to do so. Because of a certain situation my sweet hubby and I are dealing with, we asked to meet in the middle.
The next day they say to us, well, it just won't work out.
But it worked out for the better. Because since it "just wouldn't work out" they decided to stay in Houston an extra day. And not having business on the north side of town on that additional day, they could just come stay with us. So they did. They were there and waiting (inside, of course) when we got home yesterday and we spent a wonderful evening together.
I did my chicken in the crock pot. Take a whole roasting chicken, wash, pat dry, then, sprinkle with salt and pepper and throw just that in the pot. Set the pot to low and when you come home from work or errands or whatever, the chicken is so tender and juicy it's falling apart. (ok, takes about 8 hours min, but more time in the pot on low just makes it better...)
It's SOOOO tender and juicy. And whatever you want to do to it for flavor works as well as doing nothing.
I served that with a zucchini souffle. Wanting less starch, I thought that was a good balance of having A LOT of veggies and a little starch. Mix up a cup of flour, a tsp of baking powder, a pinch of paprika and some salt and pepper; then add 4 beaten eggs; and finally add 1 chopped onion and 3-4 zucchini. I added about a cup of cheese last night - a blend of cheddar, monterey and jack. Throw that in the oven at 350 for about an hour and you get a nice light fluffy thing. It's got bunches of protein - for a veggie/starch dish - and not a lot of carbs. (16 grams) Not something I'd make every day or even often, but for a change of pace and just something different, it was a nice dish.
So we sit down to dinner and they are just in awe over how wonderful the chicken was, how flavorful the zucchini was, and how easily it all came together. As a working person, I gotta say, I DO love the crock pot!
So after dinner was eaten, we set the hot tub to heat. Eventually it was warm enough to move out to stew ourselves and so we did. And once we did, the conversation really relaxed.
It all started with her bringing up the breakfast casseroles she made the last time we visisted her and when she did, my sweet hubby made sure to mention to her that she cannot make those for me anymore. She made one for me and one for my hubby. My hubby's was a grits casserole. I HATE grits. Can't stand the consistency and generally no flavor unless you add crap. For me, she made a hash brown casserole. And it was LOADED with hash browns. If it had been loaded with sausage and had some hash browns that might have helped but it was about 1 lb of sausage and 3 pounds of hash browns all mixed with about 2 eggs. Anywho, since I AM trying to keep the protein up and the carbs down, that's not a great start to the day. And the interesting thing was, until I ate lunch and could get some protein in me, I was famished. It was kind of interesting to me and really drove a point home (a point I was pretty sure that I had already learned).
So when he said last night, you can't make that stuff for your DIL anymore, she said...
I don't really remember what she said....
But it did turn into a long conversation about nutrition and dietary needs/concerns/awarenesses/issues.
She is, like sooooo many people, soooo worried about eating "too much meat". And the category "meat" encompassed chicken, fish, etc in this conversation.
I told her about the "equation" to determine how much protein she should be eating in a day. My hubby and I talked about how to take good-for-you-foods and make them even better for you.
And all the while I was kind of getting the impression that, like my sweet hubby, she's going to try and lose weight vicariously through me. What I learn, she employs. What I try - she will too. So from this whole conversation, she's going to go home and 1) eat the protein first, 2) figure out how much protein she needs in a day for her current weight, 3) eat as much protein as she needs instead of trying to cut back on it, 4) use our smoothie ideas and knowledge. Like us, she likes a smoothie best for breakfast but, like so many, has the idea that it should be pretty liquidy and not have any additives (like flaxseed oil or protein powder). My hubby and I have learned that in addition to switching to Fage (finally found it) and adding flaxseed oil, that if it's thicker, it holds us over longer. That whole slider vs. substantial food thing.
She questioned me on the zucchini souffle - good for her. I had never made it before, and while I will make it again, it will be special things like visits from the in-laws. I talked about something I believe which is that I don't want to diet to lose weight. I want to eat normally and more important,healthily. We had a whole long tangential conversation about if you do ketosis to lose the weight (even with the band) and then you get to your ideal weight and then the band is loosened for maintenance weight, well, you could be in trouble if you suddenly have to learn how to eat all over again. Without the band, that switch could be even worse. You should do, to lose weight, what you will do, to maintain weight. Lose weight = less intake. Maintain weight = optimal intake. But if you eat differently for either "phase", well, it could be a recipe for disaster. She agrees. She's going to try for 1200 calories a day until maintenance mode.
So I'm getting pretty long. But it was a pretty good night filled with interesting conversation and even some affirmation. I love affirmation!
The candor last night was great, to me. For example, if one of my friends who is judging me about this decision asked me about the souffle, I'd go on the defensive. But with the MIL, I was pleased she questioned it, appreciated her reasoning for questioning it - and she agreed with my answer for why I chose to make it, anyway. No one has ever said the band is about eating boring, dry, flavorless, uninteresting food. It's about eating less of all of it - good and bad - and really questioning why or how much of the "bad stuff' you need. And the answer to needing bad stuff is YOU DON'T NEED IT. So then "why" do you want it? And sometimes, just sometimes, the answer is ok. And sometimes, just sometimes, it's ok to go ahead and eat a very small portion of that bad stuff.
Anyway, if I don't stop here, I will never stop typing...so I'll just finish with...what started out as a long week with too much to process, for my sweet hubby and I, has turned out to be a week full of blessings and revelations. Life is good. (and then I think of Haiti...my heart goes out to the people of Haiti and I wish that my sweet hubby and I could do something and/or more to help than just donate to Red Cross. But at least that's something... sigh....)
Thursday, January 14, 2010
01/14/10: A blog for the blogs
I love reading everyone's blogs because I find out a lot of information. I am not reading too much about other people that are stuck in the unweightloss program from he!! just like me - and I kinda wish I were. But I can go back to some other blogs and see what they were thinking/saying/feeling back then and I say "ok". But I do get a sense from all the other bloggers out there what it will be like when I'm done with this and waiting on approval. I do get a sense from all the other bloggers out there what it will be like to finally get a date. I do get a sense from all the other bloggers out there what it will be like to have the surgery. I do get a sense from all the other bloggers out there what the healing will be like. I do get a sense from all the other bloggers out there what the initial weightloss might be like. I do get a sense from all the other bloggers out there what it will be like at six months and then a year and with each 10 pound loss, etc.
I try to make my blog be pertinent and about life and I don't know that I pull it off. But I try...
I want to say, today, that somehow, I'm at peace with this danged program that I think is such a joke (sounds like it, eh?). I'm closer to done than not. On the one hand, I want so much to move on. I can't exercise or my weightloss will get out of control and that could be bad. Might not be, but could be. But I WANT to! I want to be walking - because I already feel better with what little I've done. I want to be lifting weights, because I already feel better with what I've done. And "with what I've done" I mean the weight that I've lost already - and it's not much. I am struggling to not exercise. Really struggling. Is anyone else dealing with this?
I want to say that this process, this path has led me to examine other things in my life. And like so many other bloggers/bandsters - this is my year for change. I am cleaning out the proverbial closet and throwing skeletons away. I'm not really sure why I was even hanging onto them. Turning over new stones and leaves and I feel very very fortunate that I'm doing these things at 34.
Why am I losing weight without trying? Because I'm focusing on protein. Not ketosis. I still eat my starches amongst all the other "shoulds" and even a few of the "should-nots". But my protein was way too low for way too long. Who knew that protein intake can matter more than fat intake!
I feel like this year is the year I get back on track. I'm not even sure what the track is - track sounds so uni-directional. But in multiple arenas of my life, I've just been trying and trying and trying to swim upstream in a river that's overflowed it's banks. I got so far off course...I couldn't even begin to tell you where the river once flowed. And I'm not going to try that anymore. I'm going to try something else now. To me, the band represents a new approach. In each of the stones my husband and I are turning over, there are new approaches being discovered. That's the nice thing about life - there is no "one" way to do anything. And if what you are doing doesn't work - find a new way. An obstacle pops up? Go around it - the view from that approach may just be better.
I try to make my blog be pertinent and about life and I don't know that I pull it off. But I try...
I want to say, today, that somehow, I'm at peace with this danged program that I think is such a joke (sounds like it, eh?). I'm closer to done than not. On the one hand, I want so much to move on. I can't exercise or my weightloss will get out of control and that could be bad. Might not be, but could be. But I WANT to! I want to be walking - because I already feel better with what little I've done. I want to be lifting weights, because I already feel better with what I've done. And "with what I've done" I mean the weight that I've lost already - and it's not much. I am struggling to not exercise. Really struggling. Is anyone else dealing with this?
I want to say that this process, this path has led me to examine other things in my life. And like so many other bloggers/bandsters - this is my year for change. I am cleaning out the proverbial closet and throwing skeletons away. I'm not really sure why I was even hanging onto them. Turning over new stones and leaves and I feel very very fortunate that I'm doing these things at 34.
Why am I losing weight without trying? Because I'm focusing on protein. Not ketosis. I still eat my starches amongst all the other "shoulds" and even a few of the "should-nots". But my protein was way too low for way too long. Who knew that protein intake can matter more than fat intake!
I feel like this year is the year I get back on track. I'm not even sure what the track is - track sounds so uni-directional. But in multiple arenas of my life, I've just been trying and trying and trying to swim upstream in a river that's overflowed it's banks. I got so far off course...I couldn't even begin to tell you where the river once flowed. And I'm not going to try that anymore. I'm going to try something else now. To me, the band represents a new approach. In each of the stones my husband and I are turning over, there are new approaches being discovered. That's the nice thing about life - there is no "one" way to do anything. And if what you are doing doesn't work - find a new way. An obstacle pops up? Go around it - the view from that approach may just be better.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
01/12/10: Not much of anything
I like to blog. I think I've established that in the past. And I want to blog right now. But I have nothing to blog about!
How do you blog about nothing? I'm sure I can find a way but I'll save the time and energy and just not, mostly.
I am down 2 - two - dos - deux - more pounds. I don't know how. I don't know why. I just woke up yesterday and it was gone. I don't know what I did to lose it. And I don't know where I put it - not looking for it, though. It's just gone. Poof.
It's weird to just lose weight. Without trying. I've done this before. I'm sure I'll do it again. But it's weird. It makes me think I can do this sans the band. But then reality hits and I know that if I don't get banded, I'm likely to continue to yo-yo and that's what I want to STOP! It's never been a question about whether or not I can lose the weight. And in some ways, I'm fortunate. I don't go crazy for chocolate - don't like the stuff, actually. I don't like pie/cookies/cakes/sweet breads/candy/you-know-that-generally-sweet-stuff-that-most-people-will-kill-for. Love to bake/make it. Don't love to eat it...in general. Yes, I eat cookies. Yes, I'll have a piece of birthday cake. But I don't crave it. And I don't want piece after piece after piece of it. And in that, I'm fortunate, I think.
I do love potatoes. And bread. But I don't want piece after piece after serving after serving of that, either. I consider that fortunate, as well.
I am quite pleased/relieved/happy about having gotten back to healthy eating. Which is not to say I'm a health food junkie - I certainly enjoy my guilty pleasures, on occasion. But I am way more conscientious about what's going in my mouth, how much and even how much I've already had for the week. For example, where I used to eat cheetos I now eat carrots. And with choices like that, and it's just one of many, I think - why can't I do this myself? I think the band will offer a kind of security, though. A feedback mechanism, of course. But, when the hormones go crazy from pregnancy (I hope) I can go get the band tightened up until I'm through it. I hope this is how it can work. I hope I'm not setting myself up for future failures. I feel like I've already had enough in my life...but I'm not going there today....
One week down...three to go...and then the last month...
Here's to hoping!
How do you blog about nothing? I'm sure I can find a way but I'll save the time and energy and just not, mostly.
I am down 2 - two - dos - deux - more pounds. I don't know how. I don't know why. I just woke up yesterday and it was gone. I don't know what I did to lose it. And I don't know where I put it - not looking for it, though. It's just gone. Poof.
It's weird to just lose weight. Without trying. I've done this before. I'm sure I'll do it again. But it's weird. It makes me think I can do this sans the band. But then reality hits and I know that if I don't get banded, I'm likely to continue to yo-yo and that's what I want to STOP! It's never been a question about whether or not I can lose the weight. And in some ways, I'm fortunate. I don't go crazy for chocolate - don't like the stuff, actually. I don't like pie/cookies/cakes/sweet breads/candy/you-know-that-generally-sweet-stuff-that-most-people-will-kill-for. Love to bake/make it. Don't love to eat it...in general. Yes, I eat cookies. Yes, I'll have a piece of birthday cake. But I don't crave it. And I don't want piece after piece after piece of it. And in that, I'm fortunate, I think.
I do love potatoes. And bread. But I don't want piece after piece after serving after serving of that, either. I consider that fortunate, as well.
I am quite pleased/relieved/happy about having gotten back to healthy eating. Which is not to say I'm a health food junkie - I certainly enjoy my guilty pleasures, on occasion. But I am way more conscientious about what's going in my mouth, how much and even how much I've already had for the week. For example, where I used to eat cheetos I now eat carrots. And with choices like that, and it's just one of many, I think - why can't I do this myself? I think the band will offer a kind of security, though. A feedback mechanism, of course. But, when the hormones go crazy from pregnancy (I hope) I can go get the band tightened up until I'm through it. I hope this is how it can work. I hope I'm not setting myself up for future failures. I feel like I've already had enough in my life...but I'm not going there today....
One week down...three to go...and then the last month...
Here's to hoping!
Friday, January 8, 2010
01/08/10: Fires in the fireplace and by golly, I think I'm feeling better already!
It's cold. I love it! I hate the idea that next week it heats back up. And by heat I mean temps in the upper 50's and lower 60's. I think this up-down-up-down has got to be hard on us!
And that's what my weight does...odd...parallels are always interesting to me...
I'm not up. That's history.
I have lost about 15 pounds so far. That's insignificantly significant! I am on the "unweightloss" program, as required by my insurance. Maybe it's ok that I lose weight on this program but I don't ever get the impression that it is. So I'm holding back. I'm living it up on some days, too - 6 months full of 'this might be the last time ever" crap.
I hate crap. I don't play the crap game well.
Now craps in Vegas - that I can do.
But the malarchy-game-playing-crap...not so good at it and tend to avoid it. Yet, here I am....
So 15 pounds. What does that mean?
Here's what I'm noticing so far.
I have one pair of jeans that "fit". I get to wear jeans on Friday and on weekends depending on what we are up to. Not a lot of necessity for jeans. So I am not worried about having only one pair. This one pair changes from comfortable and relaxed after being washed to tight and tight. I hate washing them. It's a necessary evil. I will love the day when I don't have to worry about this anymore as I don't remember "normal" jeans being so drastically different after a wash. Anywho. 15 pounds means that these jeans, when I put them on this morning - and it was the first time in almost two weeks - were almost comfortable starting out. Yes. Just washed. And I didn't have that stuffed feeling I get until they get to comfortable and relaxed again. I could almost like these jeans...
Another thing on my noticed list.
And these are all small, mind you. But they are starting to appear and I LIKE that!
This weekend I cooked up a lobster risotto for some visiting friends. Lobster risotto is a bit of work. There's the cracking of the lobsters to extract the meat. There's the making of the lobster broth. And then there's the actual making of the risotto. Anyone ever make a real risotto? It requires a long stint of standing at the stove keeping the rice just moist enough to cook while not drying out and not drowning. It's easy to do - but it requires usually about 40 minutes of standing at the stove before all is done and perfect.
3 months ago when I made this dish my feet were KILLING me!
This weekend when I made this dish....my feet were just a little mad once I finally sat down to eat.
Another thing on my noticed list.
After I noticed that....I realized...my feet haven't bugged me in what seems like quite awhile.
Wow. I can't say anything else about that but WOW!
Another thing on my noticed list.
I just actually am feeling like I just feel better!
And this is just 15 pounds! I can't wait until I no longer have to hold back. I can't wait until I can get back to my weightlifting and/or swimming.
This is just 15 pounds. How will I feel when it's 50? When it's 75? When it's 100? And finally, when it's 120?
And that's what my weight does...odd...parallels are always interesting to me...
I'm not up. That's history.
I have lost about 15 pounds so far. That's insignificantly significant! I am on the "unweightloss" program, as required by my insurance. Maybe it's ok that I lose weight on this program but I don't ever get the impression that it is. So I'm holding back. I'm living it up on some days, too - 6 months full of 'this might be the last time ever" crap.
I hate crap. I don't play the crap game well.
Now craps in Vegas - that I can do.
But the malarchy-game-playing-crap...not so good at it and tend to avoid it. Yet, here I am....
So 15 pounds. What does that mean?
Here's what I'm noticing so far.
I have one pair of jeans that "fit". I get to wear jeans on Friday and on weekends depending on what we are up to. Not a lot of necessity for jeans. So I am not worried about having only one pair. This one pair changes from comfortable and relaxed after being washed to tight and tight. I hate washing them. It's a necessary evil. I will love the day when I don't have to worry about this anymore as I don't remember "normal" jeans being so drastically different after a wash. Anywho. 15 pounds means that these jeans, when I put them on this morning - and it was the first time in almost two weeks - were almost comfortable starting out. Yes. Just washed. And I didn't have that stuffed feeling I get until they get to comfortable and relaxed again. I could almost like these jeans...
Another thing on my noticed list.
And these are all small, mind you. But they are starting to appear and I LIKE that!
This weekend I cooked up a lobster risotto for some visiting friends. Lobster risotto is a bit of work. There's the cracking of the lobsters to extract the meat. There's the making of the lobster broth. And then there's the actual making of the risotto. Anyone ever make a real risotto? It requires a long stint of standing at the stove keeping the rice just moist enough to cook while not drying out and not drowning. It's easy to do - but it requires usually about 40 minutes of standing at the stove before all is done and perfect.
3 months ago when I made this dish my feet were KILLING me!
This weekend when I made this dish....my feet were just a little mad once I finally sat down to eat.
Another thing on my noticed list.
After I noticed that....I realized...my feet haven't bugged me in what seems like quite awhile.
Wow. I can't say anything else about that but WOW!
Another thing on my noticed list.
I just actually am feeling like I just feel better!
And this is just 15 pounds! I can't wait until I no longer have to hold back. I can't wait until I can get back to my weightlifting and/or swimming.
This is just 15 pounds. How will I feel when it's 50? When it's 75? When it's 100? And finally, when it's 120?
Thursday, January 7, 2010
01/07/10: 4 months done...2 to go....
Happy New Year! Christmas is put up, and the fire place has even been cleaned out. Good thing since it's supposed to be cold in Houston this weekend! Yes, to all you wonderful yanks, I mean cold. Not a southerner/Cali-girl griping about the 60's. COLD. Not supposed to break freezing tomorrow. Low's in the teens and 20's. Windchills in the single digits. I'm lovin it!!! (I miss my year in Chicago...baffles me how I can live in hot places when I thoroughly enjoy the cold as I do...but then I love my summers, too, and being able to swim 3 "seasons" of the year!)
I had my weigh-in appointment today. Appointment number four of six. I was down 2.5 pounds, by their scale.
What's sad about that is it's more! But it's a major weather day and with temps falling to below freezing during the daylight hours, I was NOT going to wear my capris and short-sleeved shirt that I wore for my last visit. So with a sweater and slacks on, I headed for my weigh in. And to be "down" with these bulky clothes on me was good, I think.
Another good thing is it gives me wiggle room. Next month, maybe I can wear those capris and that short sleeved shirt. So I figure it will all come out in the wash.
It was just enough, too. About 2.5 pounds. Enough for them to be wow-ed again by losing weight over the holidays without a band. I keep saying it's not that I can't lose this weight. It's the fear that I have of it coming back again that is driving me to do this!
Every time my hormones adjust for any reason whatsoever, my body responds by packing on weight. I know I am as "at fault" as my hormones are because while my hormones make me hungry all the time, in those cases, it is ME that picks up the food and puts it in my mouth. I know I will have more hormone fluctuations in the future. I hope the band can be there to remind me I don't have to eat a double sized portion of pasta to feel full. I don't normally eat badly, but when I am going through a hormonal fluctuation period, I eat A LOT. And here I am.
And by hormonal fluctuation period I'm not talking about that time of the month. This happens to me when I get off the pill, for example. If anyone has been reading my blog, you've heard this before. But what is new today is that I am finally admitting my very own part in this. It's not all hormones. It's as much that as it is me giving in to the hormones even though I know better. I know that when I get pregnant that I will have a major hormonal fluctuation and my hubby and I hope to multiply that event by 2. And I know how my body responds. Some of these fluctuations have been induced by getting off the pill. Others are just getting older. But they happen. And I don't do well with combating them.
This process has been a definite one of learning. In the future, when the hormones go crazy, it will be on ME to beat them back into submission and hopefully this tool will be there to help me do that.
I have lost 15 pounds in 4 months without really trying. I am actually trying not to on some days. Haven't ever been trying to gain weight. But I'm on that precarious edge of a BMI that isn't "enough". Today I am at 41.2. I have some wiggle room. But not much. I had a moment this morning where I said "crap" cause I put in my normal height. I am 5'6" and 7/8. So almost all places round up - cause it looks better on paper. But, luckily, for this endeavor, places have been rounding down. To 5'6. But when I calculated the BMI - I used my "generally accepted height" and not my "for the records height". And using 5'7", I'm at 39. Using 5'6, I'm at 41. So I think I have to figure out how to slow down - not aiming for 3.5 pounds this month, aiming for 2 again.
Maybe I shouldn't wear the capris and short sleeved shirt, even if weather-wise I could, for the next visit.
I love the RNP I visited today. I think she's great. The absolute perfect mix of friendly, knowledgeable, non-judgemental, helpful; just someone great to have on your side.
I did my blood work this morning so we will see what that says. I'm sure I still have high-cholesterol. It's been high for eons but never high enough to start treating medicinally. The only other thing I had left besides two more appts was to do an EKG which she said we'd do next visit. But when she looked further into my file, since I had to get clearance from a cardiologist and I brought along the EKG from the visits with him and turned them in at a previous visit, she said we are actually good to go. So literally, all I have left is 2 appts.
The blood work was interesting. It was one of those that just left me with 'this phlebotomist needs to be fired'. She stuck me without ever feeling for a vein. And imagine that - she missed it. And then she just dug around, nicely, but digging, nonetheless, for the vein. Filled up the first vial, popped in the next. Filled up the second vial, popped in the next. Filled up the third vial, popped in the next. And in that last switch she lost the vein. So she starts digging around again! Couldn't find it so she picks up the third vial and sticks the needle in that to get blood into the fourth vial. Both the third and fourth vials did not have or need any serum, so should be ok, and since I watched it all, nothing was cross-contaminated. But I do hate that. On the other hand, my alternative was for her to stick me again and I certainly was NOT ok with that!
Nonetheless, I have this feeling of 'who can I call to report this'? Cause this stuff leads to some questionable stuff and if she'd understood how to stick someone in the first place, it all could have been avoided.
Add this to she kept me and another gentleman waiting for 20 minutes so that she could visit with a friend who dropped in to say hi. Just not stuff I'm ok with....
I suspect time will slow down for me, now. Getting through the holidays was a pretty major distraction. But luckily it's only two more months and at least this ridiculous program is over. I have no idea how this will play out or where it will all go but I can only hope. But I will feel so much better when this "unweightloss" program is behind me!
Of course, continuing to knit and etch and now sew and I need to go shopping for some cross-stitch stuff...well that might keep me distracted a little.
The etched glass was all a hit. Don't know if I mentioned that previously. I wish I'd taken pictures. I guess I'll just have to do it again...
I hope everyone is staying warm! I can't wait to get home and get a fire going in the fireplace. We buy our wood by the 1/2 cord and that generally lasts us two seasons. But this season has been a bit cooler than normal so we've gone through the wood faster and will probably have to restock that 1/2 cord within the month. That just makes me giddy with glee. I love cold and I love fires in the fireplace!
And that's about all I have...
I had my weigh-in appointment today. Appointment number four of six. I was down 2.5 pounds, by their scale.
What's sad about that is it's more! But it's a major weather day and with temps falling to below freezing during the daylight hours, I was NOT going to wear my capris and short-sleeved shirt that I wore for my last visit. So with a sweater and slacks on, I headed for my weigh in. And to be "down" with these bulky clothes on me was good, I think.
Another good thing is it gives me wiggle room. Next month, maybe I can wear those capris and that short sleeved shirt. So I figure it will all come out in the wash.
It was just enough, too. About 2.5 pounds. Enough for them to be wow-ed again by losing weight over the holidays without a band. I keep saying it's not that I can't lose this weight. It's the fear that I have of it coming back again that is driving me to do this!
Every time my hormones adjust for any reason whatsoever, my body responds by packing on weight. I know I am as "at fault" as my hormones are because while my hormones make me hungry all the time, in those cases, it is ME that picks up the food and puts it in my mouth. I know I will have more hormone fluctuations in the future. I hope the band can be there to remind me I don't have to eat a double sized portion of pasta to feel full. I don't normally eat badly, but when I am going through a hormonal fluctuation period, I eat A LOT. And here I am.
And by hormonal fluctuation period I'm not talking about that time of the month. This happens to me when I get off the pill, for example. If anyone has been reading my blog, you've heard this before. But what is new today is that I am finally admitting my very own part in this. It's not all hormones. It's as much that as it is me giving in to the hormones even though I know better. I know that when I get pregnant that I will have a major hormonal fluctuation and my hubby and I hope to multiply that event by 2. And I know how my body responds. Some of these fluctuations have been induced by getting off the pill. Others are just getting older. But they happen. And I don't do well with combating them.
This process has been a definite one of learning. In the future, when the hormones go crazy, it will be on ME to beat them back into submission and hopefully this tool will be there to help me do that.
I have lost 15 pounds in 4 months without really trying. I am actually trying not to on some days. Haven't ever been trying to gain weight. But I'm on that precarious edge of a BMI that isn't "enough". Today I am at 41.2. I have some wiggle room. But not much. I had a moment this morning where I said "crap" cause I put in my normal height. I am 5'6" and 7/8. So almost all places round up - cause it looks better on paper. But, luckily, for this endeavor, places have been rounding down. To 5'6. But when I calculated the BMI - I used my "generally accepted height" and not my "for the records height". And using 5'7", I'm at 39. Using 5'6, I'm at 41. So I think I have to figure out how to slow down - not aiming for 3.5 pounds this month, aiming for 2 again.
Maybe I shouldn't wear the capris and short sleeved shirt, even if weather-wise I could, for the next visit.
I love the RNP I visited today. I think she's great. The absolute perfect mix of friendly, knowledgeable, non-judgemental, helpful; just someone great to have on your side.
I did my blood work this morning so we will see what that says. I'm sure I still have high-cholesterol. It's been high for eons but never high enough to start treating medicinally. The only other thing I had left besides two more appts was to do an EKG which she said we'd do next visit. But when she looked further into my file, since I had to get clearance from a cardiologist and I brought along the EKG from the visits with him and turned them in at a previous visit, she said we are actually good to go. So literally, all I have left is 2 appts.
The blood work was interesting. It was one of those that just left me with 'this phlebotomist needs to be fired'. She stuck me without ever feeling for a vein. And imagine that - she missed it. And then she just dug around, nicely, but digging, nonetheless, for the vein. Filled up the first vial, popped in the next. Filled up the second vial, popped in the next. Filled up the third vial, popped in the next. And in that last switch she lost the vein. So she starts digging around again! Couldn't find it so she picks up the third vial and sticks the needle in that to get blood into the fourth vial. Both the third and fourth vials did not have or need any serum, so should be ok, and since I watched it all, nothing was cross-contaminated. But I do hate that. On the other hand, my alternative was for her to stick me again and I certainly was NOT ok with that!
Nonetheless, I have this feeling of 'who can I call to report this'? Cause this stuff leads to some questionable stuff and if she'd understood how to stick someone in the first place, it all could have been avoided.
Add this to she kept me and another gentleman waiting for 20 minutes so that she could visit with a friend who dropped in to say hi. Just not stuff I'm ok with....
I suspect time will slow down for me, now. Getting through the holidays was a pretty major distraction. But luckily it's only two more months and at least this ridiculous program is over. I have no idea how this will play out or where it will all go but I can only hope. But I will feel so much better when this "unweightloss" program is behind me!
Of course, continuing to knit and etch and now sew and I need to go shopping for some cross-stitch stuff...well that might keep me distracted a little.
The etched glass was all a hit. Don't know if I mentioned that previously. I wish I'd taken pictures. I guess I'll just have to do it again...
I hope everyone is staying warm! I can't wait to get home and get a fire going in the fireplace. We buy our wood by the 1/2 cord and that generally lasts us two seasons. But this season has been a bit cooler than normal so we've gone through the wood faster and will probably have to restock that 1/2 cord within the month. That just makes me giddy with glee. I love cold and I love fires in the fireplace!
And that's about all I have...
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