09/21/2012: Thoroughly freaking out

So you know how surgery makes one nervous?  Yeah, well, I'm there.

How is it I've spent the last few months begging for surgery and now that it's happening, I am beyond freaked out.  I'm freaked out for the normal  notions - maybe the anesthesia will kill me type of crap.  And I hate that, but given that this is my 7th surgery, that notion isn't what's scaring me.  What's scaring me is doc-specialist going in and doing his tricks then telling Husby "it really wasn't that bad".  Or going in and doing his tricks then telling Husby "she'll never be out of pain at this stage in the disease".  Or maybe he'll ruin my uterus and my chances of another pregnancy will be shot.  Or he'll have to remove both ovaries and I'll be going through instantaneous menopause at the ripe young age of 37.

So this is surgery #7 for me.  Isn't that insane?  7 surgeries in my life?  2 elective and the rest "medically necessary".  One of those elective was argued as medically necessary - the lap-band, but we all know that is truly elective.  I've also been put under for various other things like getting my wisdom teeth pulled, endoscopy, colonoscopy, etc.  You'd think I'd be a pro, now.  Many people never even have 1 surgery in 90 years of life.  And here I am at a little over what is presumably my 33% life completed mark and I'm 7 in.  Does that mean I'm in for 14 more as I progress through my remaining 66% of life (hopefully, at least).  Weird thoughts.  I notice thoughts like these coming up as 40 looms nearer.  It's odd to think I'm one of those people who could be at their halfway point.  I don't feel like I'm half lived.  I feel like I'm still just getting started.

Yikes, talk about a philosophical post!

Ok...so point of the 7 surgeries angle is this.  If you count my wisdom teeth as a surgery, that was my first at 17 years old.  And I was put under for that.  I went into the oral surgeon's office and got set up in my chair.  They'd given me a valium to take on the drive into that appt.  That's the only time I've ever taken a valium.  This is important.  Remember that.  So there I am, with valium on board, sitting in my chair with the IV started - my first ever IV.  They gave me my dose of anesthesia that should have knocked me out.  We all sat around talking about our plans for the weekend.  Eventually someone asked "aren't you getting tired?"  Nope. Not at all.  Dose #2 goes in - sometimes healthy active athletic teens just take more meds.  We all continued the conversation about that weekend's plans.   Eventually someone asked again "aren't you getting tired?"  Nope.  Still not.  Dose #3 goes in.  We move the conversation to movies we've just seen.  Eventually someone asked again "aren't you getting tired?"  Nope.  Still not even remotely.  Dose #4 goes in.  Same thing.  It was halfway through dose #5 that I finally got groggy and conked out.  Wow.  When I woke up - I was told "you're a friggin horse."

My next surgery was a left breast augmentation.  The N*&^%A*^&^%V*&^Y declared I was "deformed" because one breast was two sizes - really a cup and a half - smaller than the other.  I was given a  free boob job to fix my deformity.  Now, this might sound absurd, but there was a purpose.  The military employs plastic surgeons who do a lot during times of war to help combat injured servicemen.  To keep their skills up in times of peace, they will do elective procedures.  So that was why I truly got the boob job - to help a surgeon keep his skills from getting rusty.  I honestly did the surgery because I thought it was hilarious.  I was given the option of decreasing both to match, increasing both to match, decreasing the larger one, or increasing the smaller one.  Because breast augmentations can destroy the ability to breastfeed I wasn't willing to do both boobies.  I do figure, though, that I'll go back later and do both boobies.  This implant is only supposed to stay in for 20 years.  I'm at 14 now and it will have to eventually be either replaced or removed.  I figure by the time 20 years comes along, I'll need (read: want) both perked up a bit.

Following that surgery - lap-band.  Then D&C.  Then C-Section.  Then exploratory lap with appendectomy - earlier this year.  Then cholecystectomy - earlier this year.

Ok...so what's the point of all this?

Here's the rundown.

• Wisdom teeth removal: woke up calmly and pretty groggy
• Boob job: woke up violently and not even remotely groggy
• Lap-band: woke up violently and insisted Husby was dying of thirst and they needed to take him water.  They actually did that.  And when Husby was finally allowed back to me, he showed me the water bottle and asked what that was all about.  Not even remotely groggy.
• D&C: woke up trying to sit up but unable to do so because 4 nurses were sitting on me.  Not even remotely groggy.
• C-Section: not really knocked out, had the spinal and epidural, so no waking up and no struggling
• Exploratory lap: woke up flailing with 6 nurses sitting on top of me yelling at me that I was not allowed to sit up.  That was all I remember wanting was just to sit up a bit as being perfectly prone was more painful.   Not even remotely groggy.
• Cholecystectomy: finally was able to get people to realize I struggle waking up and they did things to bring me up gradually and let me be in the inclined position as I came to.   Not even remotely groggy.

Here's the other interesting thing.

• Wisdom teeth removal: took valium for pre-arrival calming
• Boob job: no valium
• Lap-band: no valium
• D&C: no valium
• C-Section:  no valium - but not knocked out anyway
• Exploratory lap:  no valium
• Cholecystectomy:  no valium

The nurse anesthetist this morning when I did my pre-op finally made the connection for me.  She said people tend to wake up violently when they are panicked as they go under.  She asked if I am normally feeling panicky as I go under.  I don't think so.  I really don't ever remember that.  But I sure do wake up like I am panicking.  But then she asked "what if I give you a valium when you get here, will that help?"  And then I had an ah-hah moment.  The only procedure I was ever given a valium for was the wisdom teeth removal.  And I did not wake up violently that time.  Every other time I have.  So I'm going to get the valium when I get checked in on Tues and she said she'd also give me the loopy drugs earlier than not, too.  Yay.  (ha)  I also told her it's usually hard to get me under - takes far more than anyone ever anticipates.  She thought that would contribute to how I wake up, too.

All interesting points.  Very interesting that here I am with surgery #7 and going under event #10 and this is just being figured out about me.  I've told people just about every time that I wake up violently and it's amazing how many people don't do proactive things to stop that from being a problem.  Or rather, their proactive thing is to have nurses sit on me.  And they'll literally be yelling at me that if I don't stop I'll bust a stitch.  Seriously - you sitting on me is supposed to make me feel better?  to calm me down?  You try it jackness!

Anywho...I'm freaking out.  I'm scared that doc-specialist is going to come out of surgery and talk to Husby and tell him "it really wasn't that bad".  Logically and rationally I know that shouldn't happen.  Doc-specialist did an exam on Weds before he committed to surgery and since the last time he'd seen me, the endo is now palpable.  It's that bad that he can feel tumors.  It's bad enough he's warning me that he might just go in to map things out and we might go back in 2-3 months for an open surgery instead of this lap alternative.

I guess at this point I just want to hear what he has to say.

Oddly, I have to do a bowel prep for this surgery.  Usually they have you do that so if they need to do the resection they can just go for it.  But doc-specialist is telling me he wouldn't do the resection on Tues - that would be what he'd come back for in 2-3 months.  So it's odd that I'm doing this.  Doing that bowel prep is going to make Monday lots of fun.  That and no solid foods from Sunday onwards.  I'll enjoy that, too!

Ugh, enough typing.  I just want to get there.

I hope y'all have a great weekend.  You know where I'll be - at the corner of freak out and hurry the chuck up!

09/20/2012: Got news?

I do.  Yep, I sure do - I got news.  I got news yesterday.  Wanna hear it?

If you've been following my blog, my journey, at all this year, you know I thought yesterday was a turning point for me with this journey.  I still think it is - but I'm a bit surprised by the turn.  I'm getting what I want, but only partially.

I went in to see doc-specialist.  That, in and of itself, was a journey.  We have all been hit pretty hard by the flu this week.  Blue and Green had the worst of it on Sunday.  We kept them home Monday and stayed home with them; and we also took them back in to see their doc.  She initially thought they were throwing up because of a brutal cough and post-nasal drainage getting into their little tummies.  She directed us to start their antibiotics back up - we'd stopped them on Sunday as it seemed to be what caused them to throw up.  Well, when we gave them their antibiotic dose on Monday, within 45 minutes they were throwing up again.  So Tues I called the doc's office back and she gave them a different antibiotic.  During the visit on Monday our pediatrician was able to tell us that their ear infections looked much better but they weren't quite yet gone.  So now they're on this new antibiotic.

Funny thing is, we now know it was the flu and not the reaction to the brutal cough/post nasal drainage situation.  But I'm thinking it still wouldn't be wise to go back to that other antibiotic because the ped kept emphasizing that it was the strongest one they could take for their ears - and their little tummies are knocked out right now.

Weds they also started in with the diarrhea.  It's sooo much easier to treat their diarrhea than the throwing up.  It just breaks my heart that all I can do is hold them and cuddle them as their little tummies try to calm down.  Monday night when the throwing up started again, both Blue and Green were looking at Husby and I with looks that just said "please fix this, please mom, please dad, just fix this!"

Well, we all went back to work or school on Tues.  But by noon, Husby was out for the count.  Since we carpool together that meant me leaving work early to go get Husby and get him home.  I had my cystoscopy on Tues so it was going to be an early day, anyway.  Husby threw up 4 different times on the way home.  With that, I knew it wasn't the reaction anymore, but rather, the flu.  Ugh.  My stomach wasn't doing to great, either, but to this point, I've not had to deal with throwing up - just the "other" symptoms.  I'm actually wondering if the band helps me with not having to throw up...

So, Tues I went in for the scope.  Apparently inflammation of the bladder manifests as an increase in the amount of blood vessels in the bladder wall.  The thinking is that the endometriosis is causing the inflammation of the bladder which makes my life that much more fun.  I have times where I'll go to the bathroom knowing my bladder is as full as can be and I'll get two drops out.  Fun times!  Well, uro-gyne-specialist  lady was flabbergasted by the amount of blood vessels she was seeing in my bladder.  She said the tissue still looks very heatlhy - and that is great news.  But my bladder is definitely inflamed.  I have one more test I'll do with her on 10/9 and then about a week later I'll meet with her and hear how she wants to treat this.  The sad thing about interstitial cystitis is that it's like endometriosis - there is no cure.  But hopefully this has been caught early.  IC left untreated can lead to the whole bladder being removed and having to walk around with a bag for the rest of my life.  If I have any hopes of meeting the wonderful Drazil, I know I can't get to that point.  Pee is not one of her "p" words she speaks of with such disdain, but I cannot imagine it's up there on things she's likely to tolerate well, list.

So with that test done, it was back to home picking up the boys on the way.  Husby was feeling better but not much, but he managed to get out of bed and hang with us for the few hours we get at home in the evenings as a family together.  I'll tell you what, though, we were all too ready for the boys to go to bed Tuesday night.  By Tues night at 5:30p, I was out for the count, too.  If' I'd been my normal "only" in pain self, I would not have asked Husby to get up to help with Blue and Green for the evening.

So then we get to Weds.  We took the boys into daycare, well, Husby did.  I was miserable yesterday morning - bringing up the rear, I've been saying.  So Husby handled that all.  I have to say here, having daycare that we can take Blue and Green to, even when we are home, although home sick, is nice.  I can't imagine what SAHM's do when their babies get sick.  Too many SAHM's I know, their husbands wouldn't help when mom is out of commission - because caring for the kids is "mom's job".  I can't imagine what yesterday would have been like if we'd been chasing our happy, beautiful, fun-filled babies around the house.

I literally slept all day yesterday.  Until 2:30 when it was time to get up to head into Houston for the appointment with doc-specialist.  Our first stop was taking Husby to the lab to get blood drawn.  They are checking to see if his thyroid hormones are being supplemented well and should be calling him today to either say "yer fine" or "here's what we're gonna do".  Once done with that, we went over to doc-specialists office.

Sitting there waiting for him I just knew he wasn't going to help me.  The ultrasound tech came in and did a short ultrasound on me, declared all looked well and walked out.  I knew doc-specialist was going to come in and say "let's try this drug".  I don't need drugs.  I'm so sick of drugs.  Just sick of 'em.

Now here's the thing with endo.  It does not image.  You can't see it on ultrasound, you can't see it on MRI, you can't see it on CT Scan, and you can't see it on PET.  You can't see it unless you go in looking.  It's hard to diagnose because of that, because to get the diagnosis, you have to have exploratory surgery.

But like I said, I just knew he wasn't going to help.

So he comes in and says, how'd it go.  I rehashed it all.  I rehashed neuro-GI guys courses of treatment and how incredibly ineffective they've been.  I told him that I tried the treatments but since they did nothing for the pain and only made me dreadfully tired, I opted to not take the pills.  I told him that since we'd seen him last, my endocrinologist is now treating me for "subclinical hyperthyroidism", but that med also made me feel worse -  made me swing to hypothyroidism and that we'd stopped that pill as well.  I told him that working with neuro-GI guy has been a strain on us financially because that guy isn't covered by my insurance.  He did an exam.  My endo is bad enough that he can feel it on exam now.  Last time he said it felt like "thickening" but now tumors are palpable.

And then came the news.  We're doing surgery.  Next Tues.  I don't know what time quite yet - I have my pre-op tomorrow and I'll know more then.  But here's the kicker.  It's what I want, but only partially.  This is exploratory, as well.  He is going to go in laparoscopically and see what he sees.  What he can clean up in entirety, he will.  But if a spot looks like it's too deep or too big or is in a bad angle for working on laparoscopically, then he'll close me up and have me come back later for an open surgery with a full team.  Because of what he was feeling yesterday, he made it sound like a colon resection isn't out question.  But instead of gathering the whole team and wading right into an open surgery, he's going to see if we need to, and if so, we'll do that in a month or so.

Husby asked him point blank - and we'd heard this from him a bunch of times in a bunch of different ways, but Husby really wanted to make sure this is excision.  Most ob/gyn's and even RE's do laser ablation. I sought out this guy because he does excision.  He painstakingly cuts out all the bad tissue to get to the root of the tumor.  In my case, laser ablation just made it all worse.  We don't need to do that again.  And doc-specialist said "I would never do anything but excision, the other is just cauterization, and in effect, all that does is create scar tissue which is what endo loves the most.

So there we have it.  As we were leaving yesterday doc-specialist asked if vicodin was good for post-op pain control.  I said I'm on nucynta now, which is a stronger pain med but uses less opioid, so a bit safer.  He said in that case, he will let my pain specialist deal with the post-op pain.  It's just so crazy to me the amount of pain meds I'm having to take and that it isn't really doing much for the pain.

My pain specialist called me last night to see what the word was from doc-specialist.  I filled him in.  I think even he is relieved.  Prescribing the types of meds he's prescribing and seeing the amount I'm going through, he was concerned.  But to know that surgery is happening and there's an outside chance of a colon resection, he seemed to instantly settle down.  For a moment I think he was thinking I was a drug seeker, afterall.  And I'm not.  I hate living like this.  I'm just trying to get to the point of relief and do what I have to do to get there and not just be laid up in bed writhing in agony - because that's all I ever really want to do nowadays.

Doc-specialist made the point yesterday that it was ok to close up the lap surgery and go back later for an open surgery if that's what he deems necessary because "this isn't cancer".  My brain has a rough time with that.  If cancer is a mutated cell living in the organ being affected and spreading throughout the body to create additional tumors, well, how is endo not cancer?  These are mutated cells that don't know how to slough off anymore, like the normal uterine lining.  And there are certainly tumors all over my body.  I think it's sad how endo is classified.  Back in 2008, congress passed a law that protects people from being fired for various medical conditions such as heart disease, cancer, and immunological disorders.  But endo is not on that list anywhere.  Research shows it is an immunological disorder and it tends to create more tumors than most cancers.  I hate to think this way, but it does feel like this isn't protected because it simply doesn't happen to men.  It's a woman's disease.  I'm just glad I have such an understanding and compassionate team of managers that I answer to.

I hope everyone is having a great week.  I'll be happy when I'm truly done "bringing up the rear" of this flu.  It's been a very long time since Husby and I have had flus like this - we need to go get our flu shots.  Our ped said she'd give Blue and Green their flu shots at there one year checkup - which is almost here.  Less than a month. Crazy!

Speaking of Blue and Green...two funny stories.  Tuesday, while we were all laying in bed, Husby was corralling Green to his side and I was corralling Blue to my side.  We were all just kind of playing and the boys were climbing all over us like we were Mount Mommy and Mount Daddy.  Green just suddenly reached out with both hands and grabbed two fistfuls of Blue's hair.  Blue looked up at me with the smile instantly leaving his face with this look of "what just happened...and why did it have to happen?"  Absolute bewilderment.  I calmed Blue down while Husby reprimanded Green - as much as you can reprimand an 11 month old, anyway.  It was so bizarre.  Blue's poor little face just looked devastated.

But don't worry - it goes both ways.  Last week Husby was sitting in one of our rockers with both boys laying back against him.  Everyone was happy as clams and suddenly, Blue reaches over and just takes Green's pacifier.  Mind you, Blue had his own in his mouth.  Green had that same look of bewilderment that we translated in that case to "what did I do to deserve that"?  He started to cry and we, of course, took the paci back from Blue - which made him mad.  So we took Blue's paci out of his mouth and literally put it right back in and he settled right back down.

Such fun.

Final story - about two months ago, we dropped the boys off at daycare one morning.  With the addition of our guys, the room was over capacity as far as the babies/adult ratio.  So the assistant director came to get someone from the room to take up front as a greeter.  She asked if she could take Blue and we said sure.  So she loaded him into the baby buggy they have that carries 6 kiddoes.  Blue did not like being separated from bro bro.  He just kept looking in the door wondering when Green was going to be brought over to him.  Green, on the other hand, was already fast at work, playing and saying good morning to his buddies and didn't even notice bro bro was gone.  They said later they had to take Blue back and swap for another baby because Blue wanted his brother that much.

Well, yesterday, when they were dropped off, same story - but this time they were taking Green.  Green kept looking in the door wondering when bro bro was going to be brought to him.  He never was.  As they started pushing the buggy away, Blue reached out like a wave and Green reached out in response.  So sweet!

Anywho, that's all I got.  I'll post something next week with how things went.

09/13/2012: September's moving along

It sure is.  It's moving.  But isn't that what months do?  I know you've heard me say this a gazillion times but I'ma say it again.  I just can't wait for next weds!  It truly feels like it's a turning point day.  I have no idea which way it will turn.  I guess, in thinking about it, I've been giving it two options but there's really a third.  Here are the different paths my life could take next weds.

1. Doc-specialist does surgery and I am cleaned up well and I go on depo and am out of pain.  I stay on depo until we are ready to start trying for pregnancy number 2 - no sooner than one year from now.  I stay out of pain for the duration.
2. Doc-specialist does not do surgery.  In which case I will take me and my problems elsewhere.  I am thinking my plan B is to really see what pain doc can do for me and to bring my ob/gyn back into the mix.  I would discuss with ob/gyn getting back on depo and what we could do for the *rubbish* that is still in there.
3. and the final one - one I haven't been considering at all, but which I probably realistically ought to.  Doc-specialist does surgery -  but it does not relieve the pain.  In which case, if I'm being honest with myself, I think that would mean a hysterectomy is imminent and pregnancy number 2 (and maybe even 3) would not ever happen and I will never get another chance for a baby girl.

I know another pregnancy or two does not guarantee me I'll get a girl.  And given my husband's family trait of only producing boys, it's pretty unlikely I'll ever get a girl, anyway.  But I want to try.  Because while I want a girl, I also want a huge family and I know I'm a good mom for boys.  I'm not blingy.  I don't do girly well.  I love me some cars and motorcycles and football and camping and bbq'ing and, well, not girly stuff.  I could raise a very strong-willed independent young lady into an amazing woman - and I know this because it's what my mom did with me, it's what her mom did with her, it's what my great-grandmother did with my grandmother - and so on and so forth.  I know that what has been passed down through generations in my family makes for amazing women and I know I would continue that legacy.  I know Husby would be an amazing dad to a baby girl and that he wants one as bad as I do.  But I also know that there are no girls whatsoever in his family lineage (on his dad's side) for the last 100 years plus, up until about two years ago when his brother had a girl of his own.  First in that family in forever.  And I suspect my husband really can't make a girl.  

I know there are no guarantees.  But I will be sad if I cannot have a girl.  If what my mom and I had, and what my mom and grandmother had and what my grandmother and my great-grandmother had - if I never get to experience that from the mom side, that will be something that forever makes me sad.  But I also know, like I said, I'm probably much better as a boy mom.  Everyone that knows me tells me that - and when I think about it, I have to agree.  I've heard it takes a special woman to raise only boys.  We all, of course, want that balance, one boy one girl.  Well, most all.  I do know some that only wanted boys or only wanted girls.  But most I know wanted one of each.  And most I know went for that third child just for that one last chance of having whatever they didn't have with the first two.  And I know a lot of the time, that third child is still what they already have.  I look at Blue and Green and I absolutely want more of them.  I want them to know what it's like to be big brothers.  I want them to know that they aren't our only noise makers.  I think they already know that, though.  For as much as they sit in my face and yell at me (cutest thing ever) - I do it right back.  There's been this sort of bewilderment, lately, and it almost looks like they're are recognizing I'm a little wild, too.  Daddy is our calm and collected one.  But even he, when the boys get yelling and I get yelling and we all get to giggling - even Daddy will let out some roars, too.  We're just this family making noise and having fun doing it.  It's so awesome!

Anywho...there is this very real possibility that this basket I'm putting my eggs into - that I get to learn about next week - might not be my solution.  And if I do have to go to a plan c, another failed surgery, well, that means some serious devastation for me.  Because, yes, I want a girl.  But the truth is, I just want more.  But I know that I cannot live like this very much longer and Husby has at least 9 more months before he'll have the green light to possibly start trying to procreate.  (Just love that word!)

It will always be irony to me that God gave us exactly what we both wanted in one pregnancy.  Husby wanted two kids very close in age.  His ideal, he said, was two years.  He wanted his children to never have the rift that he and his brother have, which he attributes, primarily, to a big difference in age.  I wanted to never have an only child.  In one pregnancy we got it all.  Our two biggest concerns.  30 seconds apart - can't get much closer than that.  Birth certificates really read like they're a minute apart, but it wasn't a a full 60 seconds between when each boy was yanked into this world.  And both instantly not an only child.  I pray to God it stays that way.  

I saw my pain guy yesterday.  He is afraid another surgery won't help me.  He really really really wanted me to be prepared for that.

I love my pain guy.  I think it's got to be rough to be a pain specialist.  For one, he's really putting his neck on the line for every patient he prescribes unending narcotics for.  That's got to be nerve wracking to say the least.  I am thinking he really is able to get a sense for drug seekers vs. real problems, though.  It's strange - once upon a time we needed referrals to see specialists like him or doc-specialist who may or may not do surgery on me soon.  But now, I can do my own research and decide these guys have the key to my problem and I can set myself an appt and just be there.  No more gate keeper.  I know the old system was annoying and meant seeing an extra doctor just to find out what you already knew - by going to the PCP first, is what I'm talking about.  And now we get to save money and cut out that gate keeper.  But like with this pain doc...no gate keeper means a drug seeker can just make himself an appt and be there.  Pain doc has got to have some great radar to know the difference.

And it's funny - by looking at me, you'd probably never know I'm in pain let alone severe pain.  I sit in his waiting room and I definitely look like the odd gal out.  Others are there on walkers or in wheelchairs. They have noticeable limps and the decades of pain are on their faces.  And then there's me, able to smile and talk to my husband who is sitting beside me.  Wait.  What?  Until you start to poke on my belly - which all docs do.  Then I'm on the ceiling and you can't talk me down.  I'm never not in pain, but it's easier to hide it when docs aren't doing things to exacerbate it.  Husby can look at me, after nearly 6 years together, and know I DO NOT feel good, at all.  But coworkers are wondering "what's her problem".  If you don't know me, I just look like your average fat girl. One coworker here is able to see the pain on my face.  He's a good friend of mine and recently became my boss.  I think that's a blessing because he knows how much I hate this, how much this goes against who I am and how I like to behave, and that while the doc appts are excessive, they are needed and he is helping to ensure I don't have resistance here in the whole getting past this endeavor.

It's so funny how things like that happen.  I got this new boss just in time to really need someone understanding.  Just like when my mom was told her cancer was terminal.  I had a boss then who'd lost his mom to colon cancer and that boss said "just do what you need to, we'll cover you while your gone."  My mom was in Cali and I was here.  I flew out to Cali for a week every third week.  While I was here, I'd work 2 weeks straight to make up for everyone covering me.  Then I'd take a week off to care for my mom and lighten my step-dad's load.  One trip, in late March, I didn't like what I saw, so I just stayed.  And I stayed through the middle of May, my mom passing away in early May. And my boss held my position.  No one in that lab hated me or didn't work with me through that horrible time.  But I always tried to do what I could to let my coworkers slack off when I was home.  I'd pick up extra shifts, I'd work a 16 so someone else could work an 8 instead of a 12.  When I got back here for good, each of my coworkers took a week off with me covering their time and responsibilities as well as my own until everyone had recovered from that difficult schedule that we wound up working so that everyone could accommodate me caring for my mom.  Just huge.  When I think about it, when I've needed little things like that in my life - it's been there.  Including now, with this.

In other news, Blue is sick.  And Green just got the bug.  Eye infections, ear infections, sinusitis.  Just brutal.  Blue didn't sleep well Sun, Mon, or Tues nights.  But he slept fine last night.  But today, Green's turned from ok to not.  So I suppose the not sleeping will kick in him for him now.  This bug is coming with an horrible cough.  It's so pitiful to hear your babies coughing through the night.  We took Blue and Green both to the doc on Monday and Blue was started on antibiotics and eye drops then.  Our doc told us if Green developed yellow or green nasal discharge or started tugging on his ear to just call and she'd fax over antibiotics for him, too.  So he'll start his antibiotics tonight.  My poor sweethearts.  Blue just wanted to be held all of Monday and Tuesday.  It was so sweet.  We are not cosleepers but I did take him to bed with me Monday morning and the way he just nuzzled into me was so peaceful and amazing.  As soon as Green woke up that morning we got him and took him into the bedroom too and just snuggled as a family for a little while.  What a great start to the day - even if it was for a no good reason.

Ok, that is all.  Not much going on.  Just trying to get to next Weds.  And while I have no idea what's going to come of that, it's been a bit of a mental turmoil getting through this hurry up and wait phase. 

I hope y'all are having a good week.

09/07/2012: Howdy September

It's getting pretty depressing around here.  It seems like every time I open my blog I've lost another "follower".  Apparently a blog about my situation, about my life, with my perspective and my opinion isn't worth following.  I know some of y'all have been with me from the beginning and I appreciate beyond measure that you're sticking with me.  And I get why people would not want to read this anymore.  It's depressing and I keep iterating and reiterating the same old crap.  I just gotta say I really hope life never hits those people.  Because when life hits, it stings.  And when we are stung, having people around us to love us helps take the sting out; reminds us of the better days that we are trying oh so hard to get back to.

I think what's saddest is not necessarily that I keep seeing that number drop.  It's that I'll suddenly realize "who" I lost as I'm reading someone's blog.  Someone who I used to be on their sidebar of blogs they love so much they want to advertise even - and I'm no longer there.

Just ouch.

I've been blogging for 3 years now.  I started in LBT and moved my blog here in Jan 2010, so I've been on blogger for over 2.5.  I didn't gain any followers at all, really, last year, because I rarely blogged once I went on bedrest.  But for the majority of my blog, it's not been down and out.  It's not been me in pain dealing with an incredibly large number of doctors.  It's not been me getting way too up close and personal with a devastating disease that I can only hope never affects you.  Because at the end of the day, most all of my follwers, all but 2 or 3, I think, are women - and I don't think those 2 or 3 are even blogging anymore, let alone reading blogs they "follow".  But don't think for a second this can't happen to you.  If I'd never gotten pregnant and had the absolutely most amazing beautifuls enter my life, I might not have ever wound up with severe endo, too.  And if anyone thinks for a second I'm beating a dead horse here with my iterating and reiterating life with endo, well, isn't that what blogs are for?  To talk about that which we are enduring?  I read mommy blogs where people go on and on and on about their beautiful little girl day in and day out.  I would never begrudge you that.  But I'm being begrudged my own journey - a hard one to boot, one in which just knowing people are there helps.  One of the few things I have to look forward to with each blog I write is that maybe someone might read it and learn, maybe someone else dealing with the same thing might realize she's not alone, maybe someone might take the time to comment.  But to see that people don't even want to read me anymore, that people feel like I should handle this alone...stings.

I am strong, though.  I will make it through this battle and I'll get back to me.  I'll get back to my fun stuff intermixed with my weightloss sprinkled with tons of fun with my beautifuls.  And at the end of the day, I don't blog for anyone at all.  I blog for me.  If someone out there wants to know what life with the band is like, I think this is a decent blog to learn from. I am still showing what it's like.  For a woman with endo, this is a learning experience.  The endo is so bad and so far from the source right now that it's even affected my band - and I've blogged about that.  This is a journey to embrace, this is my life.  Yes, I'm struggling with embracing endo, but I certainly embrace my life and if people can't see that, then by all means, unfollow me.  Because my life is beautiful.  I don't struggle with anything at all right now except endo.  And this is my outlet for that.  If you choose to slight me instead of helping me with a simple thing like a follower count, then like I said above, may life never hit you.

I know it's not the first time that I've blogged this ouch, but it still stings to learn that someone I love, someone who used to claim to love me, someone I still follow and someone I look forward to reading - she chose to secretly vanish from my life.  She wants love and support from me but she can't reciprocate and that stings.  And each of these stings has hurt me.  That they keep happening stings.  But in the end, it doesn't matter.  What matters is that September is here and we are staunchly into the month.  I am so excited!

This weekend is the first weekend of college football for me.  I'm an Aggie, of course (Texas A&M) and I'm so excited about the Ags joining the SEC.  We should have had a game last Thurs but it was postponed because of hurricane Isaac.  So this is our first game tomorrow, against Florida.  We, the Aggies, are playing Florida - and we're the favorites.  How bizarre is that?  I just pray that the Ags have a great first season in the SEC, that we can get back to competitive.  I don't expect it to be roses our first year in the SEC.  But I do expect we will finally start to grow.

I am also looking forward to our first "cool front".  It's supposed to be 65 and not humid when we wake up Sunday morning!  We have a day next week where we don't break out of the 80's.  SO EXCITING!  I love me some fall with the long shadows and cooling temps and football.  It's still very early to be proclaiming excitement about these things - it doesn't get nice here until Oct and it's not consistently nice and pretty and just amazing until November.  But we're getting there.  And that's exciting to me - because this summer killed me.  Being in pain doesn't make heat more tolerable!

I am also looking forward to the boys first birthday.  We are already planning their party!  I had shirts made for them.  One says "It's his first birthday" and has a left arrow.  The other says "It's his first birthday" and has a right arrow.  I can't wait to see them in their shirts sitting side by side!

We started them on table food at daycare this week and it's fun to see them trying new foods and feeling new textures and learning new tastes.  I love how Green just moves the food around in his mouth to get the texture and the taste.  Once he's made his discoveries, either the tongue goes popping out letting the food fall off his tongue, or the mashing starts.  It's so cute!  Blue, on the other hand, just mashes.  If he likes the taste once it's mashed, he'll swallow.  Otherwise, he pushes the food in front of his tiny little teeth and it'll just sit there until it falls out on it's own.  It's so funny!  It's so amazing how differently they process everything.  They tend to usually come to the same conclusion but they sure do get there in different ways.

As far as the endo goes, no real news there.  I see doc-specialist in about a week and a half and I just can't wait for that appt.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do if he opts to not help me.  I'm praying that it doesn't go that route.  If he does help me, my game plan on the other side of surgery with him is to start back on Depo Provera.  I believe that being on Depo for two big chunks of my 20's is the reason why endo wasn't worse - wasn't even a problem, really - for me before getting pregnant.  I know getting Depo out of my system when we are ready to get pregnant again is not easy for me, but living with endo is far worse.  I cannot let it continue to grow. If only it were as easy as just starting Depo now.  I cannot believe how rock hard my stomach is right now.  It just keeps growing and growing.  My husband tells me it actually looks inflamed.  You'd never know my band didn't have a drop in it because while I am not tight, I am pretty snug as far as the stomach opening goes.  I can eat but some foods are definitely tricky and getting trickier.  I really hope doc-specialist helps me.

Such a scary place to be.  Hoping for surgery.  Who does that?  Especially given that this is probably going to be pretty invasive and will definitely impact taking care of my beautifuls.  Just ugh.

Ok...that is all.  I hope everyone has a great weekend!  I sure plan to with friends and football and swimming and grilling!

And finally,

For those of you that follow me but don't comment for whatever reason - I love you.  Thank you for sticking with me.  Just knowing you are there helps me!

For those of you that do comment - I love you, too.  When I get that little email telling me there's a comment and showing me what the comment is, it gives me a moment of thinking of how awesome a few little words are.  For a brief moment, the pain goes to the back-burner.  I hope you never have to know this for yourself - but it helps so very much.