12/29/10: I'm so ready for 2pm tomorrow

My brain is so totally not in this week.  I'm looking forward to another long weekend - although a mere three days this time.  I don't care.  I'll take it - especially considering this three day weekend follows a three day work week.  I'm just so ready for 2pm tomorrow.  Again, an early day - and we are wondering if it might actually be earlier this time.  Our cafeteria isn't even opening for lunch which forces all of us here to have to leave.  Who wants to come back?

My team and most of this building has a policy that if you take the week before Christmas off, you don't get the week after.  If you want the week after, you don't get the week before.  It's one or the other.  You can take two, but it all has to be before or after.  Well, we had a skeleton crew last week with those who chose the week before gone.  Those who were gone last week should be back now and we'd still have a skeleton crew as those who stayed last week probably took this week off.  Then there are those like me who just don't take any time.  There are five like me on my team.

My building is home to about 600 employees.  We have a four story parking garage and if I get here past about 8:30 in the morning, I have to park on the roof.  In Houston, you don't want to be on the roof!  Especially not in the summer.  This time of year, not so bad.

Anywho.  We all know that the east coast has been hammered with a major storm.  And it's made it hard for people to get back to their "homes".  Most all of the employees within my company are recruited from elsewhere...so most all of my coworkers are not in Houston for the holidays.  And a good chunk of the transplants are from the east coast...the northern east coast.  So...all those who were gone last week...are still not back.  Can't get here yet.  And all those who were gone for this week left before the storm hit.  People should start trickling in tomorrow.  But, in the meantime, I can get here at 9:15 in the morning and park on the first floor of our garage.

That's insanity.  The first floor is reserved for those who arrive at 6:30 am.  I'm getting here almost three hours later...

That's how skeleton we are right now.  It's insane!

And it's pretty low key.

And those of us who are here are thinking...this aint quite fair.  Cause, you know, life's fair and all.  But we didn't take any days off, there are some who did, and they got back.  So we should get some free days, too!  So if they can knock us off tomorrow at noon...I'll be happier-ish.

I can't complain.  This company does a lot to take care of us.  They didn't bat an eye at how much time I missed with the miscarriage and all that was going on before hand.  So I won't care no matter what, to be honest.  Just one of those, I'll really appreciate it if they do, things, but I don't really care if they don't.

I'm totally babbling.  Can you tell just how not into work my brain is right now?

Add to the 'not being into it' thing that I have a major headache.  Thankfully, not a migraine, although it seems like it's on that verge.  A large component is sinuses, though...and that I can deal with.

In other news...nothing doing on the scale this morning.  But.  BUT...  Ok, TMI alert.  There, now, turn away if you don't want to know.  But I've had two major major movements this morning and more rumblings indicating more wants out.  So...I'm thinking this major evacuation might be good for a pound or two.  I have been pretty regular recently, so I'm not quite sure where it's coming from.  And while when it wants out, it wants out, it's not explosive or liquid or anything.  Anywho...I feel lighter on my feet already!

Ok, got that out of my system.

In other news, one of my gifts this year was a wall-mounted 10x magnification lighted mirror.  It's nice.  It lets me see ALL that is wrong with my face.  As if I needed help there!  But maybe I can fix some of it.  I am now painfully aware of having spider veins all over my nose.  ARGH!  But last night I spent some time with that mirror and some tweezers and cleaners and whatnot.  And by golly, my face looks pretty fresh and nice today.  This could be good - since I don't wear makeup except on random and rare occasions.  Good skin with no help would be nice!

What else can I tell you that will completely destroy your image of me?

Eh, that's probably enough already.

I hope y'all have a quick week, too!  No matter what, just one more day!  For me, anyway.  Hope so for you, too!

12/28/10: My Christmas came late...

How was your Christmas?  Or holiday?  I know it's pretty presumptive to assume that everyone celebrates Christmas.  I hope you've had a wonderful season.

My Christmas was good.  While it has been the hardest Christmas of my life - harder than the year my mom died, harder than the year my dad died, harder than the year my step-dad died (my step-dad was more of a daddy that my dad was).  This year has been the hardest.  The year in and of itself has just reminded me of how very alone I am in a lot of ways.  My husband is my only saving grace at this point in my life and somehow, this holiday season has been the exclamation point on that statement.  Both on being alone and having my world tied solely to this wonderful man in my life.

Anywho...aside from the hardships, the actual day turned out pretty well.  I know that not all Christmas's will be like this, too, and that helps, as well.  I sure wasn't expecting this one to be as hard as it's been, though.

All in all, stress and sadness aside, Christmas Eve was great.  We always get together with my hubby's father's side of the family Christmas Eve evening and this party was a great one.  We like all of the people on that side and that makes it fun to get together with them!  How often can someone say that like ALL of their family members?  "Like" as in you never get enough time with them.

We followed that with midnight mass.  We are looking for a church for midnight mass other than our own.  Ours does a candlelight service and it leaves us both saying "that's it?".  So this year we opted for a church we'd heard had a great choir and orchestra.  Yeah.  Um...NO!  The orchestra was alright as orchestra's go.  But the choir....ummm...there were two singers in the choir that had no business being near the microphone.  One was flat and didn't understand harmony.  The other couldn't hit the right note...ever.  When the orchestra played, we both thought, "this is nice".  When the singers sang, we both though, "please make it stop!"  Add to that the priest didn't "speak to us"...so we will try a new church next year...

Christmas day was fun.  We got together with a much loved neighbor and her family for a fantastic feast.  And then MIL and her hubby arrived and we curled up around a fire and watched a movie I'd been given for Christmas.  It was a nice low key day filled with people that we love!

That worked out particularly well given how I'd felt leading up to it!  That's all I'll say there...

We've had the MIL and hubby with us since - they are headed home today.  The other great thing of the holiday was meeting my hubby's new niece.  She's a gorgeous little baby who has parents that are just thrilled at being parents.  Such a great filling, spending time with them.  I like my BIL and SIL and just wish they felt the same!  So does my hubby.... While we can't say "they don't like us"...they sure don't do anything to indicate that they do.

The best part of Christmas?  You ready for this?  Losing 3 pounds between the 26th and the 27th!  I have 1.4 pounds left to lose between now and Friday to reach my goal of onederland by the New Year!  I'm not doing anything to do this other than letting the band do it's job...but I'm hopeful that in the next couple of days I can pull off a pound or two more!

I'm hopeful!

And I'm pretty sure clothes shopping is about to commence. 

I love this fill!!!

So that's my news.  I can't wait to catch up on blogs and see how y'all have done!

Have a wonderful week y'all!

12/22/10: Is it over yet?

This week seems to be dragging on forever.  So much to do...yet...I just want to be at ~3:00 pm on Thursday (12/23) right now.

The shopping is done.  I still want something for our neighbor...but it doesn't look like it's going to happen.  We have a place or two more we might try...but at this point, I think the deed is done.  I can make her a vase or something if I put the basket together and decide it just isn't enough.

The presents are mostly wrapped.  I have five kids gifts left to wrap and my hubby has me to wrap for.  Then our wrapping station can get put up - which means we get our dining room back.

The English Toffee (batch 3) is being made tonight.

And all is shaping up to actually have some couch time this evening.  Good thing.  Our DVR...something we usually keep at "30% free" is at 7% free.  If we don't get some stuff watched and off it, we won't be able to record the new stuff.  And you know we'll be devastated if we don't get to watch the latest episode of X.

(dripping sarcasm)

Work is work.  It's the end of the year wind down which means it's insane and yet slow.  It's insane because 1) our clients want to spend the last few dollars they haven't spent this year.  If they don't spend it, their budgets typically decrease by the same amount next year.  And 2) because more than half of my team is on vacation.  So the few of us that opt not to take any vacation time around the holidays get to hold the bag for them while they are off playing.  I am one of about 5 people that don't take any time off...so I get lots of fabulous opportunities over the two weeks of Christmas.  But it also means my normal slack time isn't there.

So I'm busy at work...but I'm also just babysitting everyone else's stuff.  Which means I can't wait until 3:00pm tomorrow.  Maybe even 2:00pm.  We get knocked off early before a holiday...and I just want to get to that point of knowing I have four days to sleep in and relax and enjoy my peeps and do some wonderful cooking and enjoy some sort of something or another to entertain houseguests.  We'll get to finally meet our three week old (on Friday) niece.  We'll get to be festive and merry and see all of our stresses of the past couple of weeks melt away as we realize why we pushed through it all.  3:00pm tomorrow is my barrier, right now.  Once on the other side of that, it should be a great time!

And next week, at work, won't be like this week.  It's a 3 day work week in which all those who were gone this week will be back.  While I'll get to pick up some slack for those who are gone next week...the attitude will be different, in that, if it aint done yet, it probably aint gettin done "this year".

Ugh...is it over yet?  This work week?

12/21/10: Shop shop shop

I haven't really been much of a shopper for the last bunches of years.  That's odd because, as a kid, I was a major shopper.  It's what my mom, grandmother, and I did together.  We shopped.  And I always enjoyed it.

I think I'd be more of a shopper nowadays if 1) I still had my mom or 2) I had a girlfriend or two who liked to do such things.  But I don't really know anyone that likes to just go to the mall and walk around.  I am married to a man who likes to do such things on occasion...but on occasion is not a habit...and I guess I miss the habit.

I'm sure the inability to buy cute clothes because they would look horrible if they even "fit", or they wouldn't fit at all, had something to do with this.

And now...well, I just don't want to spend the money on stuff I won't get to keep for long.

I can see, though, how shopping is about to become a staple in my activity realm again soon.

Cause, see...it's Christmas.  And I've been shopping.  Two days in a row - and tonight promises to be the third.  I've walked our mall, I've wandered into local stores and major chains, I've even browsed through kiosks.  I'm still shopping for two people.

My husband is one of them.  I know what I'm getting and I'm getting it tonight.

But this second person...our friend/neighbor.  Love her to pieces and we want to do more for her than our budget is allowing.  So...given that our wants are exceeding our budget, we can't come up with anything for her.  I am making her homemade bath salts cause I know she likes them and will use them.  I have a gift card to Starbucks for her cause I know she likes that and will use that.  We are putting together a basket for her and we need just that little something else.  And I have no idea what to do.  She is older, in her mid-60's, and is well off.  She has all she wants and can buy all she needs.  So it's not like we can look at her and say, oh, she could use this, let's do that.  It's not like we need to buy her the latest and greatest cd or the greatest scented candle.  If she wants the cd...she buys it.  If she wants the candle...she buys it.  What a great place to be in life - but as a gift-shopper, it puts me in a pickle!  She wants nothing from us - but that's out of the question.

So any ideas?  I keep thinking I can wander into this store or that store and find the cutest little knick knack in our price range and nope.  Nada.  Zilch!

She collects glass/crystal bells and anything Elvis.  We don't want to only ever buy her bells...so that's out this year.  And we've already bought her Elvis ornaments each time we traveled this year.  She's doing up her porch as an outside room, so for her birthday we bought her an outside candle thingy with mosquito repellent (but scent-free) candles.   We would love to do something for this outside room...but I don't see her as a chime-lover.  Nor a bird feed lover.  She's already got art and fountains for this outside room...

I got nothing.

When she wants it...she buys it!

I am so worked up over this.  I want to do something special...but it's just not working out, so far.  But I'ma keep tryin...cause that's what I do....



So, Tessierose asked for the English Toffee recipe.

Here is.

2/3 cup sliced almonds
1 cup firmly packed light brown sugar
½ lb butter
6 oz chocolate chips (per side of toffee)

Heat iron skillet first. If the skillet isn’t hot enough to start, the first batch won’t set up right.

While the skillet is heating, line a cookie sheet with foil – or layout foil on the counter, about 2 feet in length.

When iron skillet is heated, place all ingredients in the skillet and bring to a boil while the butter melts. When the butter is melted and bubbling, set the timer for 12 minutes and stir constantly.

Don’t let the mixture burn. If it starts to smoke, the time is up. If it isn’t smoking, keep the mixture on the burner for as close to 12 minutes as possible.

Once the time is up or smoking has started, remove from fire and spread quickly on the foil. It will set up pretty quickly, so thin it out to desired thickness (use a wooden spatula). Once thinned out, sprinkle chocolate chips on top. Once the chocolate chips start to melt, spread them around to coat the toffee. Sprinkle chopped almonds on top of that, if desired.

If chocolate is desired on both sides, after the chocolate has cooled and set, place foil on the top and turn the whole piece over.  Peel the foil off of the now exposed side. Sprinkle chocolate chips on top of that. Place the whole thing under the broiler to melt those chocolate chops. Once melted, spread around to coat the toffee. Sprinkle chopped almonds on top of that, if desired.

(I don’t normally do chocolate on both sides, I just do one side, nor do I do the coating of chopped almonds, on either side.)



And I will say, good luck. It's not complicated at all, but it is super easy to screw up. Two of the biggest things I have learned over the years is 1) the skillet has to be hot to start with (and it must be an iron skillet, a regular skillet won't get hot enough) and 2) if it starts to smoke, it's done - but keep it on the fire as long as possible, up to 12 minutes, anyway, like the recipe says.

When the smoking starts, if it starts, it will be coming from the skillet, not from the toffee.

I don't do the chocolate chips on both sides because it makes a mess and one side is usually plenty of chocolate. My grandmother, on the other hand, insisted on chocolate on both sides. This is her recipe, by the way.

Finally, the chocolate isn't really measured. I just sprinkle the chips on top and let them melt and spread around. Usually, I'd say it's more like 1/4 cup, maybe 1/3 cup of chocolate chips...if I had to guess. If the chocolate is too thick it's not as good. And once it's on you can't get it off. But if you don't have enough chocolate on there and want more, just put the whole thing under the broiler to melt the additional chips.

Once it's cooled (we usually cool overnight), break into pieces and store...

One other thing I'll say is that this toffee cooks up differently here in Texas than it did in California.  Different humidity levels, different temps, etc, really make a difference in how it cooks.  In Cali, we could always go the 12 minutes and never ran into the smoking (indicating it's about to burn) skillet.  Here in Texas, I've only ever had one batch (in the last 10 years) last for 12 minutes...but it sets up fine.  If I insist on 12 minutes and ignore the smoking skillet, it does end up burning. 

If you try it, let me know how it turns out.  It's such yummy stuff - and be warned.  If you share it, you will get attacked for it.  My family, my friends, my coworkers, my husband's coworkers - they all love all our cookies...but this stuff...they'll come after us for!

12/220/10: I never knew I could be so excited about THIS...

To start with, I missed my Saturday post showing one of my favorites of Christmas.  Problem is, I have to take the picture - and problem is...I have to take it at night.  So I thought I'd do exactly that Saturday night and get the post out...but no...time ran away from me.  Then I thought I'd do it Sunday.  Nope, time ran away again.  So tonight.  I promise.  'Cause I know you are on the edge of your seat wondering what's next in Lori's "favorites of Christmas" catalog...

(please note dripping sarcasm in last comment)

This weekend was awesome.  Did so much!  Got the Christmas cards in the mail on Saturday.  That's no small feat considering that we did photo cards and a letter.  The photo cards...yeah, took the picture on Saturday, got them printed on Saturday, got the envelopes addressed and stuffed on Saturday, wrote the letter on Saturday, and got that all in the mail by 4:30.  This was after taking a buddy to the airport and chillaxing and watching some boob-tube.  Well...the boob-tube was on for the duration.

We took pictures Friday night and uploaded the photos and sent them off to be printed.  When I went to pick up said photo cards on Saturday, they were horrible.  So we started completely over!

Saturday we also finished all of our baking - sugar cookies and gingerbread men - to add to what we did Thurs night - English Toffee, fudge (with and without walnuts), pecan butter balls, walnut butter balls - and then decorated all gazillion sugar cookies and gingerbread men.  We are swimming in cookies.  All of our tins/baggies/boxes/plates are put together and are ready to be given away.  That will happen over the week.  And while our pool of cookies is a lot shallower after all the give-aways, it's still an impressive pile we have to eat on.  Thank God for parties and gatherings that we have on Friday and Saturday and Sunday...and houseguests and coworkers.  Our pile should be gone quickly.  Although I have to add more to it tonight.  We have about two shreds of English Toffee left...and that just won't do.

I made three batches of the stuff last year...and it was too much.  So this year, I said "two".  And it's not enough.  So I'm making the third.  People will attack me if I don't have enough of that in their tins/boxes/baggies/plates.  It's rather hilarious to me.  So simple and yet, yeah, people will attack me.

Sunday we went to our niece's birthday party and then did some Christmas shopping after that.  And we slept.  A lot.  Like late.  I've been getting up by about 8:30 (on a late weekend) for the past few months.  But Sunday...I had to drag myself out of bed at 10:30.  Drag.  Literally.  And I did so because we wanted to go to church.  We had some stuff to put away and work on and before we knew it, we had 8 minutes to get showered, dressed, and to the church.  It didn't happen.  We only live 2 miles away from the church...but 8 minutes was just not enough for a shower/shaving/hair-drying/dressing/cat-put-upping couple.

Other than missing church...Sunday was good.  It was the exclamation point on a wonderful weekend, somehow.

Which leads to my title of this post. 

I got my (.).  On Friday.  Cramps roaring loud and clear.  (.)'s are so yuck.  I don't sleep well, I never feel clean "enough", I don't feel like I can truly relax...you know...it's just so yuck.

And yet here I am...excited as all get out....cause I got my (.).

I'm thinking it might actually be like getting your first.  Except I wasn't excited then, either.  I have always dreaded the infamous monthly visitor.

But...I'm excited.  Crazy.  But true.

For one, I feel like now I can start pinning down what's going on with my body.  That's huge.  I don't know if you realize how much you know about what's going on with your body just because of where you are in your cycle.  It makes moods make sense, it makes rainy days not so dreadful because you know it's fleeting, that tomorrow the hormones will change and you can move on.  It makes creaks and pains logical.  It makes desires and tendencies suit.  That little 28 day (on average) cycle speaks volumes about "what's up".

I haven't had that.  And I didn't know how long it was going to last.  I didn't know if it was 28 days or 64 days.  I didn't know if my sadness was sadness or hormones, if my anger was rational or irrational.  I knew nothing for the past month and a half-ish.  All I knew was that I was not right and that I couldn't pin down what the problem was.

Every once in awhile someone like Sandy Lee would come along and say "hormones, my dear" and I'd say "ahhhhhhh!!!" and feel better...but it was brief.  I'd cry at the drop of a hat and say "now is this hormones or is this real?"  And I didn't know.  Nothing could tell me.  Not my BBT, not how I felt, not the cricks and the creaks...none of my typical tell tale signs meant anything.

And let me just say...I just spent the last five weeks with PMS from hell.  Normally, I experience PMS...but I'd call it minor since I can look at where I am in my cycle and make myself calm down by just understanding what's going on.  Not the last five weeks.

But here I am.  Finally feeling on track.  So on track, in fact, that I feel like I've got a spring back in my step.  I feel like I can be happy and I can be ok with being happy.

So Merry Christmas to me!  I got my (.)!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope y'all have a fantastic week and I hope y'all are ready for Christmas, if that's what you celebrate.  We are doing pretty well with the preparations.  Most all of our presents are wrapped with just a few more to buy.  Our cookies are baked, our house is decorated, our guest beds are made, and our spirits are finally here.  It's beginning to feel like Christmas!!!

12/16/10: My How Things Have Changed

I've had just about two weeks with this new fill.  And my oh my how things have changed.  Boy was I screwy in the brain.  For the sake of sanity, I'm going to say, for this blog today, that October and November didn't happen so that I don't have to keep saying pre-pregnancy.  I'm writing this blog based on before, which is April 12 through the end of September, and after, which is December 4 to now.

So...how is this fill different?

1. This fill makes me only want to drink water.  Not juice, not soda, not beer, not wine, not anything but water.  It's slow enough going down that if I don't focus solely on water, I won't get nearly enough.  I might be drinking enough "fluid" but many fluids out there don't have hydrating capabilities...and I am noticing that if I turn to a martini...then my water consumption drops accordingly...and that drop might be just enough to make the day moot.  Before this fill...I could drink all the time as much as I wanted.  Now...it's just slower.  I hear it gurgling through - a welcome sound, I am finding - but it's just slow enough that I can no longer guzzle.
1. What a nice change!
2. I am still having a cup of coffee in the morning but whereas it used to be two...now one is more than enough.
3. I am still drinking a martini on occasion.  Had one last night, in fact.  And I still have them with my favorite olives.  And I can still drink the martini and eat the olives at the same time.  I just am very aware that while drinking that martini...I'm flushing out all that water I know I need to drink more of.

4. I have a rule with myself that I cannot eat lunch until I've consumed an entire bottle of water.  That little trick really helps me get "enough" water in the day...but my enough needs to be more.
2. I used to proclaim that if food was slow going down that a little sip of soda would tickle the food through.  Not anymore!!!  If food is slow going down and I add a trickle of soda to that...yikes.  If food is slow going down now I just have to wait!  And that's fine!!!  That's what I've found over the last two weeks (ish).  Doctors say that if you need a small sip of water during a meal to deal with spice or something tickling your throat or whatever, then a small sip is fine.  I have found that a small sip of water is fine.  A small sip of wine - might be.  A small sip of a martini - might be.  But soda.  Forget it!  Not during a meal.  And, like I've always done, I don't try to drink with meals, period.  But sometimes that little tickle happens...or the spice gets to me.  I am seeing water as my only option.  I love me my water anyway!!!
1. If there is too much food in the pouch, the small sip can hurt.  It's interesting, though, that little sip can give me a clue as to just how much food is waiting to go through...which tells me to forget about eating anymore.  I think I am using a small (small small small) sip of water to give me feedback.
3. So...meals.
1. Breakfast "before" was 6oz of my smoothie.
2. Breakfast "now" is changing.  Today it was 4oz.  Tomorrow it will be 3oz.
1. Now...we pack a lot into this smoothie.  When it's all made and done, we have (per person) 9g of fiber, 27g of protein, 23g of carbs and a wonderful tasting concoction.  That's based on 6oz.  Well...because protein still matters...as we are dabbling with going smaller...we are still going to use the same fiber and protein.  We are really just backing off the carbs and the protein will take a minor hit with backing off on yogurt, but the protein powder will remain the same.  Anywho...
2. 6oz takes me 45 minutes to drink and by the end of 45 minutes...well...the smoothie just isn't that wonderful tasting concoction anymore.  It's all thawed and it's just starting to lose it's luster. 
3. 4oz today...in efforts to be able to drink it before we left the house...was still too much.
4. I weighed what I tossed down the drain and I was dumping almost 2oz.
5. So tomorrow it will be 3oz.  This morning was a weird morning so my normal time for drinking the smoothie was shortened.
6. We also learned today that what we thought we needed to do to get 4oz still gave us too much smoothie.  So a lot of our wonderful concoction went down the drain.
7. My hubby is backing off on the smoothie, too.  Again, because we are essentially getting the same protein...we should still be ok, banded or not, with less.
3. Lunch before was 3oz of chicken salad (or tuna) and 10 Nut-Thin crackers.
4. Lunch now is the same. 
1. Before...it used to take me about 20 minutes to eat that.
2. Now it takes me about 45 minutes to eat just the chicken salad (or tuna) and the crackers are for later.
5. Mid-afternoon snack before was soy nuts or cottage cheese or something along those lines.
6. Mid-afternoon snack now is either the Nut-Thins or some cranberry relish (less than 1oz) I'm working on finishing up or I forget to eat it altogether. 
7. Dinner before was 4oz of a protein and 2oz of veggies and maybe or maybe not 1oz of a carb.
8. Dinner now is 4oz of protein and I'm doing all I can to eat one bite of a veggie just so that I can say I did.
1. Drinking wine or a martini before dinner does seem to help the eating process.  Dinner tends to be my only meal that is truly a solid.
9. Before, I used to want a "little something else" around 8pm.
10. Now, I am starting to forget.  I've noticed (all along) that this was a habit more than a need.  But the habit seems to be breaking.  I don't mind that at all.  On the days following a day when I did have that little something else (some chocolate, some ice cream, or some yogurt and granola) I might only lose a pound - or stay the same.  On the days following a day when I did not have that little something else, I see two pounds drop off.  There's some motivation to break the habit!
4. I might add that I've lost 9 pounds in 12 days and I haven't walked once (aside from my normal stuff which usually accounts for 2 miles a day), at least not for exercise.  I haven't touched a single barbell or dumbbell, I haven't done a situp or a pushup.  I've done nothing but see my food intake drop incredibly!
5. I think the coolest thing that has changed with this fill is that I am literally never hungry.  I can hear my stomach growl...but my vagus nerve still says I am full.  I am never hungry which takes away the interest and the cravings and the longings and the desires.  When I do eat, knowing that my stomach is growling and is saying 'body need food now'...well...I can't possibly eat too much.  If I opt for 3oz of something by the time I've eaten it, 45 minutes has elapsed and stomach then knows it got food. 
1. One of the coolest things I've done ever since getting banded is that when I am full...truly and really full and satisfied, my stomachal area elicits three succinct hiccu-burps.  They are minor, they are short, they are just a little "hufasigh" and they happen in rapid succession and they are gone.  And wha-lah, I am full.  Before - this happened at about 6oz but I could stop at 4oz and feel full.  Now this happens much sooner.
6. Another very cool thing is that I no longer want to dabble with what I'm cooking.  This is good and bad for my hubby.  Since I enjoy the act of cooking so much...well...over the past two weeks I've put together to forget cooking what I want to cook to satisfy my own tastebuds...no...now I just get to cook.  Over the weekend I tried all kinds of things I wouldn't possibly be interested in eating.  Biscuits and gravy, for example.  I'm pretty picky about biscuits and gravy is sooooo very yuck to me.  But it's one of my hubby's faves.  So...knowing I had no interest in eating...but wanting to cook...because it was that time of day...I did.  I cooked that up.  I baked up biscuits (biscuits that I could eat if I wanted) and I did up homemade sausage gravy.  And I never dabbled.  One because I don't like the stuff...it's disgusting to me...but two, because I just had no interest in it.  I usually love sausage and would be pulling out bites of cooked sausage here and there.  Same with lunch that day.  Same with dinner that night. 
7. Something else interesting.  I have been stuck twice now.  Stuck in a way that the food would not go down and instead came up.  Both times...have been at a neighbor's house.  She invites us over for dinner...and somehow...what she makes is just not band friendly.  It's the weirdest thing.  But I am now scared to eat at her house.  In her defense, she asks me what she can make, what I can eat.  So she's trying to be a band friendly cook.  But somehow...over there...it just doesn't work.  It's the oddest thing!!!

This fill is so very different.  Before...I trusted myself to make better choices but left the band wide open so that I could still have options.  Before, when I was pretty good about my weightlifting, I guess I could do that.  I was eating so much less anyway (compared to pre-band), and couple that with weightlifting and even walking...well...I had more freedom.  I must say, with this fill being so very different in regards to how I'm eating, the motivation to start weightlifting is gone.  I lost 9 pounds in 12 days.  Without exercise.  Why would I change that?  :)  Instead, I'm thinking, once this slows down...that's when I'll start the weightlifting.  That should get me through Christmas which will have me in a good place to start one of my weightlifting cycles.  I see starting up with the exercise regime the week after Christmas.  Guests will have gone home, things will settle in, work will be light and so will traffic.  Still so much to do right now in getting ready for Christmas.  All I know is that right now, it's not about trusting myself to make better choices.  I can't eat much of whatever it is I choose.  Better choices are just more pounds the next day on the scale!!!

12/15/10: Woohoo!!!....and then...

I hit 204 this morning. Skipped right by 205 - the pre-pregnancy weight and went straight to 204...the lowest low I've seen but didn't count because it happened while pregnant. So...I am officially on a weightloss trend. Not that I wasn't...I mean...9 pounds in 11 days is pretty danged awesome! But only 1 of those lost pounds is newly lost. Those other 8...those were repeats. So this 1...it's totally WOOHOO to me...it's new territory. It's different.

Can I hit onederland by Dec 31st? That's my goal. I have 16 days to lose 5 pounds. If this trend of 9 pounds in 11 days holds...sheesh! I'm on a mission. That's all I know!

You excess poundage you...be 'ware! Yer days are numbered!!!

So that't all exciting and woohoo like...

and then...

How's your year been? How do you feel about next year? Will it be good? Bad? Challenging? How was this year? Good? Bad? Challenging?

It makes me kinda sad that all that's really happened "bad" has happened at the end of the year...so 2010 is closing out "bad". I thought for sure that 2010 was going to be a good year. So did my hubby. And now I'm scared. Cause if I think that 2011 is going to be good...does that mean I'm screwed?

I hope 2011 is better than 2010. But here's the good that I can take away from 2010...

• My hubby and I are stronger than ever as a team and a partnership. I love him more than I ever thought possible - which I already did - but a lot of wonderful things about him have been cemented in my head this year. Our union is going strong and getting stronger; every day all I can do is thank God for him! Without him I would not be able to find any reasons for hope.
• I'm still alive and healthy (except in the brain) and in one piece.
• My husband is still alive and healthy and in one piece.
• My dogs are healthy and happy.
• One of my cats is healthy and happy...although my "old man" cat has developed severe arthritis in the past couple of weeks and is in pain all the time - which breaks my heart.
• My family are all still alive...and mostly well...with new members being born to continue the name.
• My husband's family are all still alive and well with new members being born in every which direction.
• I still have a job.
• My husband still has a job - a job in which he was promoted into management this year, which is taking off like nothing I'd ever imagined possible.
• We still have a house and our house is a beautiful home, to us.
• Our cars are still functioning well and still get us to our jobs reliably. 

(yeah, I'm reaching, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to have hope!)

• Our neighbors still talk to us and generally act like they like us.
• Our friends still talk to us and generally act like they like us.
• Blogland continues to be absolutely inspirational, as well as completely uplifting. Usually some somebody out there knows exactly what to say to me to help me celebrate, to wipe my tears, to prop me up, to cheer me on. Blogland is amazing and without it, I know I'd be struggling more than I am right now.
• I've lost 60 pounds!  For GOOD!
• I have a wonderful infection to scratch at every danged day.
• My insurance deductible and out-of-pocket max were met leaving me with "free" healthcare at a time when I wouldn't have wanted to pay for a procedure I wound up "needing".

(please note that some of these are said with sincerity and peace and some are dripping with sarcasm.)

• I still love people.
• People still don't love me.

What else? It's been a year. That's all I know. Joys...happiness...adventures...challenges...troubles...hardships...heart-breakers. There are other things that happened this year that I never blogged about, things I will never blog about, that have absolutely broken our hearts to add into this mix.

And yet...I can still smile. Doesn't mean I am...I am not nearly as much as I'd like...but it's in there. It can't be taken away from me. Nor can it be taken away from my husband.

And therein, to me, lies the beauty of it all. My husband. We are a team. We are so onboard with each other, so in tune with each other, it's absolutely sickening and gross - to anybody else but us. Through all that has happened and is happening...we have found that our love is always there and only growing stronger. We have found that we can wake up in the morning and smile because the other one woke up, too. We have found that when we think we can't smile anymore...we can look at each other...and  

There's.  The.  Reason.  Why.  We.  Should.    

My husband is my saving grace. He makes my life livable. He makes it ok to be me...and he appreciates it , too. At the end of 2010...that's what I can say. Who cares about all the rest of it. LHF is in my life and going nowhere. LHF and I are stronger than we've ever been, so in love with each other, so very onboard with a lifetime of more trials and more tribulations. And 2010 did that for us - cemented in our heads that we are exactly where we are supposed to be!  (As if we had any doubt...)

12/14/10: Clothing

I have a pile of clothing in my closet waiting to be sent out to the sisterhood.  I'm thinking this pile will be dealt with sometime in the month of January. 

The funny thing about this pile of clothing is that it literally doubled this weekend.  On Sunday, to be exact.

Sunday, we went to church.  I wore some pants that I love.  Pants are my benchmark for shrinking.  Not much happens up top.  If history serves me well, I have at least 40 more pounds to lose before my tops go down in size.  But pants...pants change a tad bit more quickly.  I'll go down 2-3 sizes in pants in those next 40 pounds.  If history serves me well, I'll end up at about a medium on top and a 9 on bottom.  I can't see making it to that "perfect" size 6 or even 8...I have too much muscle mass and I always have.  Always.  Tiny little waist (historically speaking) and great big ol powerhouse thighs.  Used to hate that...and now I love that. 

Anywho, I digress....

So I went to church on Sunday and wore a pair of my favorite pants.  While pregnant, these pants were starting to get...um...not...comfortable.  But...of course...things are changing.  Sunday, I put these pants on and, seeing as how they were just washed, they "fit".  But these pants, like many others that I own, "relax" about 15 minutes into the wearing.  And these pants "relaxed" to be hanging on me.  Like the skin of my legs was not touching the pants anywhere.  It was literally just the waist - sagging on my hips - that was skin on cloth touching.  So...um...big.

I've asked my hubby to be my gauge for when things need to get added to the sisterhood pile.  He swears he'll tell me.  I have basically told him exactly how to compliment me.  He's a man.  Need I say more?

So...once home from church, I decided to try on pants.

Now, in my closet, I had a pile of jeans/capris/shorts that fit right now (let's call it pile one).  I had a pile of jeans/shorts/capris that will fit in just a few more pounds (let's call it pile two).  And I had a pile of jeans/shorts/capris that will be my next size down (let's call it pile three).  These piles consisted of 18's and 16's.  Some small 18's, some real 18's, some large 18's and the same for the 16's.

I have one pair of jeans I've been wearing for the past two or three months because they were the only pair that "relaxed" just exactly how I liked.  Another pair...relaxed...into falling off.  That shoulda been a clue.  But this one pair...they stayed consistently "right".  I always figured, when those were falling off, it would be time for pile two.  Pile three is a long way off.

So Sunday, I try on all that's in pile one, the one I'm currently wearing.  Four things.  Three went into the sisterhood.  The fourth would be - but they need to be washed.  They'll go in the sisterhood pile this week.

I try on all that's in pile two thinking nothing is going to work since I haven't lost any weight since September, when I tried these the last time.  All 18's in this pile but "real" 18's, not Old Navy 18's.  Yeah.  Out of the eight things in the pile, four things went into the sisterhood.

So, wanting to see how far away pile three is from reality, I try that all on.  2 very small 18's and 4 large 16's.  The 2 - 18's - into the sisterhood pile.  The 4 - 16's...2 are in the sisterhood pile.

So, my jeans/shorts/capris selection has just jumped by a gazillion-fold...but I missed the wearing window on quite a few pairs of pants!

And apparently, I can officially say I'm a 16 on bottom!!!

This morning, I'm looking at my work clothes rack and thinking just how uninterested in my work clothes I am.  I want to move on.  So I drag out the rack two stuff...16's.  Stuff that was snug back in September, last time I tried.  Wearing a pair now...and I'm swimming in them.

Yikes...when the 16's in work clothes are gone, I'ma have to go shopping.  I don't think I'm ready for that....

That and all my jackets fit right now.  ALL of them.  All the teeny tiny leather jackets I bought in Turkey, all the teeny tiny jackets I had made in Hong Kong or Japan...they all fit.  I have some gorgeous clothes that I bought as I navigated the globe back in 2005 and I see the window slamming shut on wearing this stuff.  Hand embroidered floor length silk jack with a gorgeous floral design...and nowhere to wear it.  Some of this stuff will have to get tailored down with me.  That's all there is to it.  I just hope it can be!

It's funny...knowing I'm getting closer and closer to shopping.  I don't want to.  I don't want to invest in nice stuff I'll wear briefly.  I don't want to waste money on cheap stuff I can part with quickly.  I just don't want to spend any money on clothes until I am at goal.  And I have 60 pounds to go.  60 pounds and a lot of sizes.  So while this should all be good news that I'm shrinking and moving clothes through my closet...I don't see happiness here.  I see stress.  How to handle this?  What to think?  What to do?  Oh well, I'll figure it out - I always do....

12/13/10: Is it passing me by?

I have this sense that Christmas is passing me by.  My house is decorated - the tree is up, the lights are up, the A&M Santa and Mrs. Clause are out in their places, the mantle is all decked out...all of it's out.  The cookie tins are waiting patiently to be washed so they can be stocked with cookies.  We did our shopping for all of our baking supplies yesterday and will do a lot of prep work and candy making on Thursday so that we can bake and decorate on Saturday.  My gift shopping is about halfway completed and piles are waiting to be wrapped - so I'm ahead of my norm on the shopping and right on track for my wrapping.

But...

But...

But...I don't feel all merry and warm inside.  I feel drudgery in going to friends' homes for dinners and get-togethers.  I feel relief in knowing that I'm not actually hosting a party this year.  I feel sanity in having a day parked on the couch on Saturday and terror at knowing that my Sunday wasn't exactly the same.  It's an odd sort of sense.  I'm ready for Christmas....and yet...it's passing me by.

The joy isn't there.

I went to church yesterday.  We attend church at the church where we were married.  This church is where my husband was confirmed.  He moved away and was not anywhere near this church when he met me.  And there I was...living two miles from it.  The same pastor that confirmed my husband is the one who married us.  I love knowing that we have this history in this church.  Anywho, this year, we've not been good about going to church every Sunday.  And it's a goal to change that.  We love our pastor and usually feel uplifted after attending services.  So, yesterday, finally, we made the first step in changing our habits.

It was a beautiful service.  The Nine Lessons of Christmas with the choir and orchestra and bell choir all taking part.  For each lesson there was a musical element immediately following.  It was all very uplifting and beautiful.  At one point in the service, I couldn't help it...I sat there balling my eyes out.  I couldn't control myself for the life of me.  My poor hubby was looking at me wanting to know how to help - and he did the best thing he could have - he just touched me.  Put his arm around my shoulders and tried to comfort me.  But, quite simply, I can't find comfort right now.

It's so disturbing to be ok and yet to be so not ok.

Part 2 of Some of My Favorites of Christmas

Maybe I'll try to do one of these a week, or something along those lines, through the season.  I have at least one more I'd like to share in this series...but I'm sure I can come up with more favorites.  :) 

Anywho...since we decorated on Thursday, I figured this should be next in the series of some of my faves.  I love our tree.  Every year.  I do.  I don't do any theme or any color scheme or anything like that.  Our tree is based on memories.  We buy ourselves a live tree, generally two weeks before Christmas.  We bought it a little early this year so that a friend could help us decorate.  Anywho, all of the ornaments have some significance.  I collect ornaments when I travel as my souvenirs so I have ornaments from all over the world.  I have some of my mom's favorite ornaments, some that mark some significant moment in life - first in my house, first with my hubby, first as a married couple, etc.  But every last ornament on the tree is significant for some reason.  Because of that, I can stare at the tree endlessly conjuring up some particularly fantastic memories!  I love getting these ornaments out every year - and I love the memories.  I love the scent of a fresh tree and I love that this tree is front and center in our house.  Our entry hall opens into a gallery which connects everything from there - the study, the hallway to the bedrooms, the hallway to our bedroom, the family room/great room - all connects to this "gallery".  Our tree is placed in the center of that gallery. 

It's a beautiful tree this year, too.  All big and fat and fluffy and pretty well shaped, too!  I love it.  (although the pictures seem to make the tree look a little squaty and thin, it's really not.)

So without any further ado, meet the Christmas tree of 2010.

12/10/10: Peace

I am at peace, but I am struggling.  Does that make any sense?  It doesn't to me.  And yet it does.

(Disclaimer here, not a funny happy go-lucky post...but I think it ends well, so I hope you'll read.)

I am at peace...the season is helping, that I know.

I am struggling, still with this miscarriage, with the news of my aunt (it is terminal but she may have 3 years or more), with keeping my mind looking forward and not relishing what may or may not have ever been.

I am struggling because I guess I want assurances that I will  have a child.  And I have no assurances.  I won't know that I will until I do.  A coworker who's cubby sits next to mine became a grandparent two days ago.  His daughter had her first child.  I've endured two days now of everyone coming over to congratulate him, to see pictures, to hear how well the birth went.  It's been incredibly hard to hear, not because I am not excited for him.  But because I should still be excited about what should be coming in June.

And this all leads to this fear.  This incredible, insatiable fear that I won't be blessed with children.  I almost feel like I should say, "fine, I choose not to" so that at least I can feel like it was my choice.

But that's not my choice.  I want kids.  Multiple. 

My sister in law had her baby at the end of last week.  She wrote me an email yesterday in response to one I sent her letting her know I was thinking of her.  At the end of her email she claimed "we are so happy to be parents".  That's great...you've been parents for all of five days...what in the world is it you think you know about being a parent?  It's exciting times...but come on...you have a gazillion years ahead of you.  Who is not happy at this time?  Would I have not been?  Is that the implication?

And then I realize...I'm seething about this comment...because I don't know that I'll ever get the title "parent".  And that will, quite frankly, devastate me.  Furthermore, the reality is that comment isn't about me.  That I know!

But oddly, as I go through these emotions and try to understand and make sense and make peace, I discover that I am at peace.  Somehow. 

How, you ask?  When such scathing things are floating through my mind?

By getting my weightloss (or lack of a gain) back under control, that actually helps me to feel like all of it is going to turn around.  Maybe I will never have kids, I won't know that overnight.  And maybe I will.  All I can do is look forward and get back to trying and keep on hoping.  I know that my aunt's prognosis is not good - but we still have time to spend with her and memories to make.  Her prognosis of 3 years is more than my mom had.  And my mom and I were still able to make many wonderful memories and spend some great time together in the time that we did have.  I now know (as if I ever didn't) that I must make time for my aunt.  That I must grab onto my family with fervor - all of them, not just this one who happens to know of a fate that may or may not apply to her story.

Cause, at the end of the day, we still don't know what will kill her - or any of us.  She could be in a car wreck on the way to a chemo treatment.  We don't know.  But this prognosis tells me to forget the ideal and grab onto the real.  And the real is that she exists, she is still herself, I can still spend time with her.

The real is that I am not past my fertile years - not anywhere near past - and I can try and I'm just scared right now because I'm still not regular and I simply don't know what's going on with my body.

The real is that I am excited about my new niece and can't wait to meet her - as soon as my hubby and I beat these latest colds.

The real is that I am excited about my coworkers new grandchild and my cousins new baby (also born last week).

The real is that I have a wonderful life and nothing is passing me by.

The real is actually quite peaceful.  It's the ideals that can get pretty scary.

So throw them out and move on.  Embrace the real - love the journey - find the peace.

12/09/10: Interesting - the sequel

I bet you're dieing to know how that cupcake situation turned out.  So I'm here to tell you.

I didn't have one.  I didn't grab one, I didn't dissect one, I didn't ever even want one.

The interesting thing about cupcakes (and cake) and me is that I don't like the cake.  I like the buttercream frosting.  Can't be any ol' frosting, must be buttercream.  If it's whipped cream frosting or some luscious cream cheese frosting or some chocolate frosting or a ganache or a drizzle or anything but buttercream, I'm never interested.  But buttercream...that I like.  And when it's buttercream...I take the frosting off...and leave the cake.  Sometimes I eat the top quarter of an inch of the slice or the cupcake.  But many times...I just eat the buttercream frosting.

I never grabbed a cupcake yesterday.  Not for the cake and not for the buttercream.  Those cupcakes sat there all day long calling to me.  They were on multiple tables that I had to walk past to get to my water...or to a fork so that I could eat my little helping of tuna salad.  And I never even wanted one.  I willed myself to want one telling myself one was ok.  And I just didn't.  It didn't sound good.  It wasn't that I was telling myself to be a good bandster.  It wasn't that I was telling myself I'd ruin my "diet".  It wasn't any conscious decision to be "good".  It just was that...I didn't want one.

Who am I?

Why can't it always be like this?

I turned around and "rewarded" myself with a cup of New England clam chowder (that I shared with my hubby) served along with my fresh shrimp and scallops for dinner.  There were carbs on that plate of shrimp and scallops - along with fresh broccoli.  I didn't want those carbs, either.  I did want the broccoli.

Seriously.  Who am I?  Why is this fill changing my mindset so totally and drastically?  Why couldn't I do any of this last week before this fill?

This fill is weird.  It's interesting.  In the mornings...my smoothie barely goes down.  I mean I have to give each "sip" about five minutes to go through.  We don't add any liquid of any sort to our smoothie so it is thick-ish.  But it's drinkable...which, to me, means it's not that thick.  But there I am...having to take 45 minutes to drink a friggin smoothie.  6 oz is all I drink.

Lunch - tuna salad...that's what I've had this week...and it gurgles it's way through and takes 45 minutes to eat.  3oz is all I eat.  Forget anything else "solid" like.

But then dinner...I can eat.  Suddenly, somehow, with everything I've attempted this week, it goes through.  I don't even have to wait between bites.  Not one minute.  I have to chew and I have to take tiny bites...but it's soooooo unlike the smoothie-scapades of the mornings.

What's with that?  I mean, seriously...really? 

Breakfast and lunch leave me wondering if I'm too tight.  Dinner, on the other hand, leaves me thinking I still need more fluid in this fickle little Lady!

I am very curious to see how things unfold.  My brain says that I'm enjoying losing weight again (another pound gone this am leaving me down 6 pounds since Sunday).  My brain says that so long as this is working, I'ma stick to my smoothie for breakfast and tuna/chicken salad for lunch.  That's my typical go-to stuff for weekdays but weekends tend to be a bit more free.  But...can I have more substantial things this weekend for either of these meals?  Is it even worth it to try?  I don't want to get stuck.  I like that I have been banded for 8 months now and I've been stuck all of once and pb'ed all of never.  I want to keep it that way!  So...thinking I'm too tight....definitely a motivator to not push my limits.

But am I too tight?  Am I still too loose?  I'm baffled.  That's all I know.  How am I too tight for two meals and too loose for the third?

What I love, though - and this is a first since being banded is that I am never ever hungry.  Ever.  I have not been hungry since Saturday morning.  Around "lunchtime" if I pay attention, I hear my stomach, the lower beast, growling away.  But the upper beauty, my beautiful stoma, still says, nope, yer full.  Same thing at dinner, really.  So while I can eat dinner...the motivation doesn't seem to be there...because, well, the quest for satisfaction is moot.  I already feel satisfied!

It's soooo very strange.  I think I keep waiting for the floor to drop out on this.  I hope it doesn't.  I hope this lasts!

One more pound and I'm back to pre-pregnancy weight!  Two more pounds and I'm starting to lose new pounds!  Oh, this is so awesome!

Puff be damned - I'm moving on with my life!!!!

12/08/10: Interesting....

Vewy vewy intewesting!

Back in August...I hated restriction.  Hated it.  It was limiting me in what I could eat...as well as how much.  I couldn't enjoy foods that seemed to me to be alright.  Not good...not bad...just alright.  I could eat the good foods most of the time but I wanted those alrights on occasion and the bads even more rarely.  Back in August, I couldn't even eat all the goods all the time and that, to me, is not good.  That, to me, sets me up for binges and cravings and backward slides.  That, to me, makes me dependent on supplements and supplements are not supposed to be a staple - they are supposed to supplement the staples when needed.

Hence an unfill.  Because, as we know, most of the bads are sliders.  Ice cream...chocolate...chips...you know...the stuff you have to chew the hell out of anyway...so it goes down...or the stuff that slides right down without a single chew no matter what.  It's the alright category that can be ellusive...and that's the category I don't want to eliminate.

Well.  Now I have a big girl fill of 0.5cc's.  Puts me at 4.7cc's total in a 10cc band.  And I am claiming restriction.  And I noticed yesterday...that...uh...I really have restriction.

I ate tuna salad for lunch.  Normal for me to eat that.  3oz.  That's the normal amount, too.  What is not normal is that for every bite I take...I have to wait 2-3 minutes before the next bite.  What's even more "abnormal" is that my tummy is making little gurgling sounds as the bites slither through the band.  Ok.  It's not even my tummy.  It's my esophageal area.  Lower than the esophagus...higher than the stomach.  You know...where the band goes!

Holy schnikies!

I have a lap-band and I have to eat like I have one!

I don't even want to try those "alright" foods right now.  I need sauces and such, that much I know.  On my lean proteins like chicken and fish.  Fish I know is ok.  So is chicken.

But somehow, Monday night I was able to eat a cheap grade steak (carne asada).  As the day progresses, the band loosens.  That I know.  It baffles my mind that that steak was going through.  I was taking teeny tiney bites.  And I was chew chew chewing.

But...you know what?  I HAVE A LAP-BAND.  And, I think, that I am truly using that lap-band right now. 

In other news, someone brought this in today...

First of all...who puts cupcakes out at 9am in the morning?  This should be a lunchtime or afternoon thing.  Oh well...they'll be there, right outside my cubby to taunt me all day.

But wait...here's the weird thing.  I don't want one.  I've walked by them three times so far and I've actually willed myself to grab one and I just don't want one.  And these aren't just any ol' cupcakes - these are white or chocolate so you can choose your favorite...and they have the super-yummy-best buttercream frosting on top.  I can never say no to buttercream frosting.  But I quite simply don't want one.

Who.  Am.  I?

Last week I woulda grabbed four or some stupid shit.

We'll see how the day goes.  They aren't on my not-allowed list.  I'm giving myself permission to have one.  So will I or won't I?

If I was a gambling gal (which I am), I'd say, based on my edumacation, I won't have one of dem thingamajiggies today. 

I really think that.  BUT....if I do, I do.

We'll see....

Oh yeah...and...I lost another pound today.  I am 2 pounds away from pre-pregnancy weight and 3 away from the lowest I've seen on this journey.  I'm also already noticing my puffiness de-puffing.  I am definitely getting back on track.

12/06/10: Fa La La La La La La La La

I said I'd have multiple "favorites of Christmas".  I only got one up this weekend.  I have two more (at least) that I want to put up.  I will try to do so tonight...I know exactly what I want to do...I just have to take the pictures.

My husband was gracious enough to give me another cold.  He loves to share with me.  I wish he'd stop.  I'm so tired of being sick/not-feeling-well/having-to-go-to-the-doctor/not being 100%.

I got a fill on Saturday.  I love this new surgeon.  He's nice.  He's young.  Well, older than me...but I'll be able to have him as a Doc for a long long time.  He didn't try to boss me around, tell me I'm a crappy eater, tell me I'm mis-behaving.  None of that.  He said "You're the boss".  We recommend you come back in six months, but you tell us when you want to.  He asked how much of a fill I wanted (I said 0.25cc's) and then we had a minor conversation in which I did all the talking and then he said "how much do you really want" and I said 0.5cc's was probably more like what I needed.  He said that was what he thought and that was what he wanted to give me and so that is what he gave me.

He does not do fills under fluoroscopy - and I like that.  I don't feel comforted by x-rays mutliple times with each appt.  I can see how fluoroscopy has it's merit on occasion...but it doesn't have to be every friggin time!  So he found the port and stuck the needle right in and wa-la...I have restriction!

I decided not to do the liquid diet for two weeks.  Instead, I'm going back to my own personal basics.  Smoothie for breakfast.  Chicken or tuna salad for lunch.  "Nut-Thin" crackers for a mid-afternoon snack (only if needed) and protein and veggies for dinner.

Yesterday...I was craving juice...pineapple or pineapple-orange-banana was what we had in the house so that's what I had.  Wanting vitamin C, I guess.  You'd think that drinking 5 little cans (6oz a piece) would have blown my calories to ever loving hell, but it didn't.  I lost 4 pounds between 11am yesterday and 7am today.  And that was sitting on the couch.  I "barely touched' dinner...at least if you compare it to what I would have eaten (and did) on Friday night.  Last night, though, all I can say is, yep, it's true, I have a lap-band.  Friday night?  Nope, not so much.

4 lbs had to have been some sort of odd water weight courtesy of this cold, is what I'm figuring.  Could also be that I'm still not normal.

Anywho.  Today...drinking my smoothie...it was slow to go down.  Like how it was back in the day when I was successfully losing all the time.  It wasn't not going down.  It wasn't a troubling slow.  It was just enough that I had to drink slowly and enjoy.  Lunch today - tuna salad.  I'ma be surprised if I finish all of my 3oz!  I'm enjoying.

It all leads to.....

I Love the Lap-Band

I needed to turn off the ability to eat again.  While not necessarily trying to prove why I need the band, I just did exactly that.  When "allowed" to "relax" and not stress over food - quantity or choice - I slowly but surely was working myself back up to  the quantities that got me in trouble in the first place.  I could eat a lot and while I was eating it much slower than pre-band, I had also started to put together that if I ate slow enough - but also fast enough - I could eat as much as I want.  Now...I go and get myself that little fill.  If you can call 0.5cc's a little fill.  And it doesn't matter how much I want to eat.  My little pouch is back to optimum.  In my world, anyway.  My eating has to be slower.  So much slower that cold food tastes horrible and I drop the fork.  Which is where I was pre-pregnancy.  Not only was I, back then, able to drop the fork because the cold food was unappetizing, but I also was getting bored with eating and was able to pay attention to the full feeling.

It was interesting, this backwards slide that I was on...able to eat warm food...I discovered...I was more interested in eating.  And that meant even though I was still getting the full feeling...I was also more interested in keeping going with the wonderful tastes - and the warm food.

So I can now proclaim (as if I never could) that I truly love the lap-band.  It solves my brain, not my stomach.  My stomach isn't my issue...my choice to eat is.  My brain chooses to want more...and my brain doesn't care that my tummy says "enough".  This band, for me, isn't tightening my stomach down...it's tightening my brain down.

With only two days with this new fill...I can say I feel so very recharged and refreshed.  I don't think I need the liquid diet.  Yeah, it could probably do me some good, would, probably.  But I don't need the extreme.  That's what I got the band for!

I know about myself that when I am able to eat "proper" amounts, that I also make wiser choices.  I knew prior to getting pregnant that I was right on that edge of needing a fill but I also knew that getting pregnant would mean needing different amounts of calories and so I left it alone.  What I didn't know was just how "off" I was.  Getting a fill immediately following the D&C wouldn't have been wise, I don't think.  I do think, though, that everything worked out well, band-wise, anyway.  I really didn't gain through this ordeal/experience.  And losing wasn't the goal, either.  I learned a lot about myself AND about the band.  

I'm in a good place!  Now let the weightlifting begin!!!

Part 1 of Some of My Favorites of Christmas

This is my absolute favorite Christmas carol. If you have the patience to listen to all 4:41 minutes, you'll be pleasantly surprised about halfway through when it becomes the Vienna Boys Choir singing their beautiful carol. Of course, that is, if you like choirs and such. I can never hear enough of this song! This song made an impact on me when I was in high school and joined the A Capella choir. That was an invitation only choir, no tryouts, no saying "I want to join"...you joined Glee and if you were good enough (sad, but true) you'd get an invite for A Capella. From there, we could try out for Madrigals...although anyone in the school could try out for Madrigals - Glee, A Capella, or otherwise. Anywho, the Madrigals sang this song each year for the Christmas concert and once I joined, learned it, and got it in my head, there was no looking back. It's been my favorite ever since!

12/03/10: Something something something something

Bullets today...

• One of my aunts talked to my aunt.  When my aunt called me to tell me she'd talked to my aunt, she said she felt better about it all.  I'm looking forward to talking to my aunt...but she hasn't yet answered her phone...when I've called anyway...
• I'm going to do the "pre-op" diet with Drazil and Barbara.  I'm modifying it from what the pre-op was to say minimal carbs are ok - I'm not going cold turkey on carbs.  I remember, thanks to Draz's post today, that I started to really suffer after trying for nearly a week and a half to do absolutely no carbs.  Women's brains don't release serotonin naturally, I learned, but rather, need carbs to get that process started.  So cutting out carbs altogether meant no serotonin meant bad juju for this brain that was/is damaged courtesy of PTSD.  Since I was on the pre-op diet for as long as I was, not knowing when my surgery date was when I started the diet, I was able to learn that, for me, I needed ~40g of carbs a day.  Anything less and PTSD put it's strangle-hold on me.  Anything more, well, made me crave more. 
• So I'm striving for ~40g a day. 
• Given that, I'll continue with my typical smoothie in the morning:
• Greek Yogurt
• frozen fruit combo of pineapple, strawberry, mango, papaya
• one fresh banana
• 2 scoops of protein powder - Isopure Whey Isolate zero carb (means 50g of protein but hubby and I split this, so we each get ~25g of protein from this addition)
• 2 tbsp of fiber
• 1.5 tbsp of flaxseed oil
• I'll get most of the carbs I "need" in a day from that.  And it's good to have those carbs at the start of the day, as opposed to nighttime, I later learned, for a variety of reasons.
• Lunch will be a shake.  I'm actually really looking forward to this change.  I really loved the Isopure Whey Isolate zero carb unflavored powder added to chicken broth back in the day.  I really miss it, actually.  That will give me ~140 calories when all is said and done and I remember being really satisfied back in the day after drinking one of these for lunch.
• If I need a mid-afternoon snack, I turned to beef or turkey jerkey back in the day.  I remember "needing" that snack more for dealing with the ketone breath than for actually wanting food.  Just one little piece would help me over the hump.  We'll see.  I used to bring along more protein in case I wanted/needed another "shake" but...never did.
• Dinner will be 4oz of lean protein along with veggies, specifically green veggies.  Broccoli, spinach, zucchini, asparagus, especially.
• I'm doing this because my head is not in the game at all.  I have not had my head in the game since October when I learned I was pregnant.  Of course, after learning such news, I was no longer in the weightloss game, it switched to "just be".  But I never expected the pregnancy to end the way that it did so I didn't have a plan for how to get back into weightloss mode after a miscarriage.  And after a miscarriage, I figured, who needs the "stress" of "being a good bandster" when cravings/emotions/life/brain had other ideas.  But...turns out...letting myself deal with the stress of that situation, well, that took me even farther away from getting back into weightloss.  My carb intake is out of control right now.
• Couple carb intake being out of control with needing/wanting a fill and I feel like I have no easy option for "battling" this.  I get my fill tomorrow...so what better way to kick off getting carbs under control than by doing a reduced carb diet?
• Add in all the other stresses and my diet, as well as my exercise plan, are just not something I feel like tackling.
• So if I tackle "the extreme" I feel like I will probably come out on the other side feeling better about both diet and exercise.
• We need to stop eating out.  This diet will do that.
• We need to stop eating leftover Thanksgiving food.  This diet will do that.
• We need to start exercising.  Well, that's just a personal choice and we are both starting up our routine on Monday, given that our "week" runs Mon-Sun...
• Yeah, my sweet hubby is doing this with me.  He wants to get his stuff back under control, too.
• I see a clean-out of the pantry occurring tonight.  Partially because I want to and partially because I need to.  It's a mess.  And there are some things in there (things we didn't buy, things "helpful people" gave to us) that just don't need to be in there. 
• This may sound nuts...but I'm excited about this.  I'm excited about, what feels like to me, a fresh start.  The "pre-op" diet really sets us up well for embracing what we need to do for weightloss.  No, the "pre-op" diet isn't sustainable, at least not to me.  But it is an interesting way to get our head in the game.  And my head is most certainly not in the game right now.  Not by a long shot.
• The interesting thing is that while I'm up five pounds from Sept (pre-pregnancy weight), I finally decided this morning to take measurements and find out exactly what happened there.  My chest/waist/hips/arms/calves are all exactly the same as my last measurement (Sept 25th).  My thighs have gained an half of an inch.  So...while I thought I was ballooning out with fat replacing muscle, I'm really not in bad shape.  (Although, of course, fat is replacing muscle, that much I know, I haven't lifted weights or done any exercise, really, since Sept.)
• If I get my eating back under control and my weightlifting routine going again...I expect to see some results.
• I know I'm puffy right now.  That's part of why I want to do this.  This diet is really supposed to clean out the liver - of course it's "best" if there are no carbs, but, as I said above, there are reasons for why I can't do that and with what I did last time, the reduced carbs still cleaned me out well.  But I know I can get this puffiness under control, too, just by drastically cutting down on the carbs.  I think, if I were to really sit down and figure it out right now, that my carbs are probably up to 200g a day.  And prior to the last two months of stress and life going wrong, my carbs were more like 70-90g a day.  Averaging 80g wasn't causing me problems, but 200g sure is!  And add to the excessive carbs an ability to eat all that I want (hence the ability to eat (or drink) 200g of carbs a day) also having nearly two weeks of taking vicodin followed by the last week and a half of having to take tylenol...my liver is realing.  Absolutely realing, right now.  A clean out sounds ideal.  I know my puffiness is coming from that!
• It's perfect timing, I think, that I happen to have a fill scheduled for tomorrow.  This just seems ideal.  I'll do this and be able to get back to "normal" before Christmas, going into 2011 with a fresh start.  It feels like tremendous relief to be doing this.
• So, thank you, Drazil, for planting this seed, even if unknowingly, that I need/want to do this, in my head.
• What else?
• Well, that's probably enough...

I hope y'all have a fantastic weekend!  I'll get a post or two up this weekend, one for sure with one of my favorite Christmas songs (oh what will it be?) and one for sure with the house all decorated on the outside.  We won't get our Christmas tree until late next week...so that one may come later.

I think this could be great...

So the question is, will the FDA approve?

http://www.outpatientsurgery.net/news/2010/12/4

(If you don't want to click the link, the body of the article is copied below.)

Clinical trial showed significant weight loss among Lap-Band patients with BMIs between 30 and 40.

The number of patients eligible for Lap-Band surgery could skyrocket if the Food and Drug Administration accepts Allergan's request to significantly lower how obese someone must be to qualify for the surgery.

The answer could come as soon as tomorrow, when the FDA panel on Gastroenterology and Urology Devices meets to discuss Allergan's application to expand the use of the band for those who are less obese. The panel is expected to recommend or reject the application for full FDA approval.

The Lap-Band is currently approved for weight reduction for severely obese patients with a Body Mass Index (BMI) of at least 40, or with a BMI of at least 35 if the patient also has one or more severe health problems.

Allergen's application comes after a clinical trial conducted on 143 less obese patients with BMIs ranging from 30 to 40. According to the study results, 80.5% of all implanted patients lost 30% of their excess weight. Nearly 66% of all the patients with the Lap-Band lost at least 50% of their excess weight. The FDA yesterday acknowledged that the patients in the study experienced "statistically significant decreases in all measures of weight loss."

Nearly 20% of the adult population has a BMI between 30 and 35, more than double the population with BMIs above 35, according to federal statistics.

The American Society for Metabolic and Bariatric Surgery says that 220,000 bariatric surgeries of all kinds were performed in the United States last year, more than twice as many as in 2003.

This is another article about this, too. 

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2010-12-01/allergan-lap-band-safe-for-use-in-broader-population-group-fda-staff-says.html

I don't know about marketing to adolescents, though....many opinions on that, I guess.

12/02/10: Looking Forward

Good Morning, y'all. 

Grief is an interesting thing.  All I'm gonna say is mornings seem to be much easier than afternoons seem to be much easier than evenings.  As the day wears on, the grief gets me more and more.  I know that over time, the mornings will bleed into the afternoons which will eventually bleed into the evenings getting me back to being "content".

And content is what I strive for.  Happiness is fleeting....and so is grief.  To find peace, I find contentment.  Eventually, I'll get back there...

So, while I'm in a good mood, I figured I'd blog and give y'all a break for the "SIGH" that is my life right now.

I have found myself a new surgeon.  Aren't you thrilled for me?  I took the recommendation of a friend from a local support group that I meet up with, usually once a month.  This friend from that group absolutely loves her surgeon and has done very well with her journey.  He is not "in network" for me, so I'll pay a little more, but rapport matters more to me after the experience I've had.  The thought that he might care about my progress matters to me.  The idea that maybe, if he'd been my surgeon all along, he'd have helped me with this incision issue, that matters to me.

And turns out...he sees people on Saturdays, too.  So I will no longer have to impact my work week for follow-up and after care.  Doesn't mean I won't...but I won't have to.  And I'm pretty sure that because of the sheer number of Dr.'s appts I have had this year, I'll be sticking to Saturday's for awhile!  Especially given the number I've had since October...at least one a week...it's all too much!  Course, now that things are settling, the number of appts should settle, too.

I have an appt this Saturday for an initial consult as well as for a fill.  I need a fill.  I can eat entirely too much.  I'm not so worried about the scale; I am currently considering myself to be up four pounds over the weight I was pre-pregnancy which is not bad considering I'm still not normal or even right.  Not knowing what my hormones are doing is really playing with my ability to lose weight - or even hold steady.  I know that hormones can also play with my band and tightness/wide-open-ness...but I'm nearly not banded right now.  I've not had a fill since July and had a bit of an unfill in August...so...I'm figuring it's time.  Of course, I will talk to this new Dr. on Saturday and lay it all out there.  He may very well want to not do anything right now - and I'll respect that. 

As for the incision issue...went back to my Derm yesterday.  Culture is still showing no growth - but he said it'd still be too early to declare 'no infection' since it's been three weeks and they need at least six to see what they think they are going to see.  In the meantime, he did give me something to deal with the itch.  He is thinking that there is a possibility that this is just a 'buried suture' in which case either my body will eventually spit it out or my body will eventually get used to it.  And dealing with the itch until then is the biggest "issue".  The original cream my previous surgeon gave me for dealing with the itch was a "chlorinated steroid" which tends to cause a severe acne response.  Because of that, no other drug-makers started in with the chlorinated steroids and they are not widely dispensed except by PCP's that don't follow steroid impacts/updates/issues.  My Derm said that now that it's not a name-brand drug, now that generics are available, that's really just made that particular steroid cream even worse.  Even still, the surgeon should have known steroid+pregnant=bad.  There's no way out of that for the previous surgeon.

What my derm gave me now is a 'fluorinated steroid' and he assures me it won't have the severe acne response with it.  But again, if I get pregnant, discontinue immediately.  In my mind...when we get to the point where we start trying again...I won't be using/taking anything other than pre-natals.

Trying again is an interesting topic, too.  To me.  My Ob said last week again...'wait for two normal cycles before you start trying again'.  And after I have two normal cycles, I am supposed to go back in to see him.  I can now say that, after some issues on Thanksgiving that I was reacting to - issues I wouldn't normally react to, I'm not ok and I'm not ready to move on.  Moving on right now would be burying grief and sadness and if I bury it, it's likely to haunt me later.  I need to deal with it now and move on later.  So...I'm not ready to try again.  I don't think hubby is, either.  Although he declared to me two days ago - he's more interested in trying for a baby this time than he was last time.  Interesting.  That's a whole 'nother blog...

Sandy Lee...I gotta tell ya, your comment yesterday made me cry tears of happiness and relief.  How was it not obvious to me that hormones are crazy right now and so, therefore, are my reactions!  I have no idea what is going on with my body right now.  I'm not normal yet.  It's all regulating itself back out, still.  I am one of those people that once I know what's wrong, I can calm down and relax and get through it.  But I couldn't pin my finger on this.  And there it was, clear as day, thanks to you - hormones.  Thank you for that!  I really needed that.  That actually did a lot to help me last night and hopefully going forward as well! 

I will say that my reactions to what's going on with my aunt and uncle...all very similar throughout my family.  My uncles, my aunts, my cousins, just like me...we are all shocked and finding ourselves all just overcome with emotions at times.  We are turning to each other, though, and finding solace in not being alone in these feelings.  This, with my aunt, is so very different than it was with my mom.  When my mom was first diagnosed, it was still beatable, or so we thought.  We clung to hope and didn't even contemplate despair; when it was my mom.  We all embraced each other but emotions like we are feeling now were not like they are now.  Towards the end, after it was declared terminal, things changed...but we'd had a year and a half to come to grips with everything.  This is so sudden, seemingly, anyway.  And unlike with my mom, we know enough now, at this stage, one week into the whole thing, to know, my aunt is not going to survive this.  And that's just shocking.  We don't know how long she has - could be two years, could be five, could be six months.  But she will never have all of her mental faculties back in full force.  She will never be rid of this tumor.  She will never not have to fight.  And that makes her story entirely different than my mom's.

Anywho...

Thank you to all of you for taking the time to give me affirmation and to allow me to vent.  I'm not worried about the unfollowers - like I said, 'sleep well, my friend'.  If they can live with their actions, more power to 'em.  May they never need a shoulder to cry on...

And they very well could have been deleted accounts.  Troubling thing was that it was not just one...or two...

To everyone that is offering encouragement and support either through comments or prayers or thoughts or even just by reading my blog, I appreciate you.  I appreciate it all and can only express my love and gratitude for this world that I stumbled upon.  What a difference this has made/is making on my life.  Thank you all!