09/30/10: Going Going Gone...

I can't believe it's the end of September already.  I can't believe this year has gone by so quickly.

Ok.  Got that out of my system.

Now I gotta say....awww...it feels so good to have the traveling-BOOBs back.  I got comments yesterday.  Love it!

Is anyone else like me in that you see this blog as a conversation with your followers?  So when your followers suddenly almost all go quiet...it's just weird.  I knew the quietness had nothing to do with me, it was travel that made it so.  But it was still weird.  Not weird over the weekend of the travel...that was expected.

Anywho.

I have another weird thing that's been banging around in my pea-brain for a few days.  Ok...you got me, there are lots of weird things banging around in my pea-brain, but here's one I wanna talk about today.  It ties into just how bass-ackwards Lori really is.

I hear (read) a lot of people say they wish they could get a band for their brain in addition to the band for their stomach.

I'm bass-ackwards not in that I want a band for my stomach in addition to the band for my brain.  No, in fact, I'm pretty happy with the current set up.  But my bass-ackward-ness is that the band actually, for me, has been more for my brain than it has been for my stomach.

Yep.  My brain is the one that's getting fixed.  I don't think my stomach was ever truly my problem.  I could eat and eat and eat until my stomach was full.  Or I could skip meals and keep my stomach empty.  Always had that ability.  My brain, however, told ME to eat ALL THE TIME and way too much of it.  My brain told ME to keep the stomach unsettlingly full.  My brain told ME that one more bite wouldn't hurt.  My stomach obliged.

And now...my brain says nah, yer good.  Now...because of the band, my brain says, yeah, that one more bite WILL hurt.  Now, because of the band, my brain can't say eat all the time and eat too much of it.  Now...my brain is getting fixed.

I think it's why I'm living on so little restriction (4cc's in a 10cc band).

My brain was my problem.  It over-rode what my body wanted/needed/craved...and even what felt satisfying.

I've said before my weight problem came from putting on a protection coat of fat because of what happened 12 years ago.  And when I had done a lot of brain work to settle that down...my brain had become conditioned to tell my stomach that which was not true.

And how do you undo that?  That conditioning?  I didn't know.  Whatever I tried...it might work temporarily but the conditioning would always persevere.

I don't know if that makes much sense.  I mean, if I had done the brain work to settle it down, you'd think it'd be easy to uncondition myself - or condition myself back the other way.

Somewhere in this pea-brain, though, it was "easier" to just let it be.  I was never a lazy person up until a certain point.  And then lazy was just easier....not that lazy was more appealing, or felt better, or was desired.  It was just easier.  Easier than fixing ol' pea-brain.

Until one day some very aware portion of my pea-brain said, we need help.  And we got help.  In the form of a lap-band.

And here's the thing.  The lap-band does not seem to be making me any more or less hungry than I ever was before.  When I'm hungry, it makes sense.  When I'm not hungry, it makes sense.  That's not new.  What's new is that now my brain listens to my stomach instead of the other way around.

The band seems to have fixed, or is working on fixing, my brain.  My brain now pays attention to my stomach.  And it was like that for me up until I was 23 years old.  And 12 years later, I finally am getting back to what I didn't struggle with before.

It's pretty profound, to me, my bass-ackward-ness.  My brain seems to have realized that since I was so serious about fixing all of this, I mean, I went so far as to have surgery, that it must be time to change my conditioning.  My brain seems to have realized I'm not playing around anymore.

I'm 3 pounds from my halfway goal.  That's pretty cool to me.  I have enjoyed this journey, I have not fought this journey, I am coasting so far.  I say that because, based on how I feel today, that's what it's been like.  I know if I were to go back and read various blog entries from various blog days that I'd see days where I wasn't enjoying it, days where I was fighting it, days where I didn't realize I was coasting and so therefore felt like I was struggling.  But today, what I can say and what I know I feel today..I can say I am exactly where I have put myself and I have put myself here on purpose.  And the end result is I'm losing slower than some and I've lost less than I predicted I would have at this point back in the early days.  But I am where I am and I've put myself here on purpose and the key to me is I'm enjoying life.  The band, for me, was never about restriction.  I didn't want anything at all on my do-not-eat list and that's precisely what kind of list I have.  I wanted a reminder that the small amounts I want are also the small amounts that I need.  Sometimes it's a struggle to eat that little amount of food and sometimes I can't make myself eat it all.  At the end of the week, it comes out in the wash and my average calorie consumption is precisely where it should be.  I am living my life and doing what I want and feeling good in the meantime.  For once in the past twelve years, I feel like I'm in control in a way that I no longer have to stress about.  That's huge.  I can finally just be.

I'm gonna make a prediction out loud now.  Something I have not been willing to do thus far on this journey because I guess I knew somehow that I wasn't quite ready.  But my slow weightloss..it's gonna stop being slow.  I'm finally ready to announce a goal.  I can finally announce it because I'm finally ready to actually work on a goal.

I will be at 163 by December 31st.  I won't kill myself, be mad at myself, be frustrated, angry or sad if I don't make it.  But I will strive for this goal with all of my being and I will put myself into this journey in a way I have not done thus far.  That is 44 pounds which means I have to average 3.4 pounds a week.  And I will try.  Unlike what I've done so far with this journey, I will actively and aggressively TRY.

That might seem like a too high to reach challenge.  But that's how I like my challenges.  If I make it doable or easy, I won't try.  If I make it reasonable or feasible, I will continue to coast.  I am setting my bar high because I want to make myself try that much harder.

So there it is.  163 by the end of the year.  44 pounds in 13 weeks, or 3 months; 3.4 pounds a week or 14.67 pounds a month.

I'm insane!

This should be fun!!!

(No naysayers, please.  Like I said, I won't kill myself if this doesn't happen.  I won't be sad, mad or upset.  This is an aggressive challenge to make me aggressively try.  My goal is to start trying, something I have not done thus far.  And a challenge sounds good right now.)

09/29/10: Things I've Learned

So yesterday I made an offhanded remark about feeling abandoned.  And now I'm ready to blog about the weirdness you traveling BOOBs might not realize occurred.

In general, I think it can be said that "we" missed you.  But since I'm really only supposed to talk about myself in statements I make about feelings, I can say I definitely missed you all.

So I made my remark:
So since I don't really want to talk about what's really bothering me (the absence of the BOOBs from the blogging community and my ensuing feelings of being abandoned), I'll talk about fluff instead.

For starters...I will say...I still miss you, all you BOOBs. You all really make a difference in my blog and therefore my journey. Does this make me codependent? 
 
and a couple of the traveling BOOBs spoke up and said:
Jennifer: Hi Lori - I think we are all still recovering and catching up! Sorry you feel we abandoned you. We'll all be back to posting and commenting very soon. It's been a real trip. The preparation and recovery took more out of me than I thought it would.
LOVE YOU!
Jenny

Drazil: Ditto what Jenny said. And I got your email and I will respond. I love you too...and you were always in our thoughts at every moment. You are a BOOB through and through!

Jacquie: Ditto, Ditto what Jenny and Draz said!

I am just getting into my routine today and that means, I am back on the blogs. I have spin class at 5:30 and I am actually looking forward to it! I think I was the only boring BOOB who went to the gym on Friday morning!


A fellow abandoned type, Dinnerland: So, I guess I wasn't 'alone' in feeling lonely in blog world. All those 'boobs' were out there interacting in the real world and we were wanting some attention too!
It's all good, I think our blog world is picking up again.
You are rocking the weights.
Wow.

And finally, Bonnie: Hopefully you'll be able to make the next trip. Sounds like you are kicking ass with weight lifting.

I made my remark not to make anyone feel bad but to get the traveling BOOBs to realize the true impact you all make on this community.  Your absence has been duly noted.  And not just over the weekend that you traveled!  You all, checked out, so to speak, about a week before you left.  Then you left.  And now you're back but you are all wandering in at varying degrees.

When you checked out, well, it was weird.  I'd write a blog and get absolutely no feedback.  Ouch.  Not personal, though, that I knew.  Still...I hadn't foreseen that and so was surprised.

I know from reading other non-traveling BOOBs blogs that I was not the only one feeling this way.  It was odd.

When you left, well, I expected you'd be gone.  And so it was.

And now that you are back, I expect y'all to be processing and absorbing and sleeping and resting and sorting through the awesome weekend that it was.  I expect y'all to be posting blogs filled with pictures regaling us non-traveling BOOBs with the awesomeness of the weekend.  No one has disappointed and it's been an absolute pleasure to read and see what you experienced.  Most everyone has walked away with incredibly warm fuzzy feelings and I think a lot of you were flat out scared that it might be a cat-fight fest.  What wonderful news (and no surprise) that it absolutely wasn't.

But there's another part of this story.  Those of us "left behind".  We, the ones that did not attend, all had a variety of reasons behind not attending.  I, for one, may not be able to attend the next one, either.  But I know that when I can, I will.  I have not been jealous once about what you ladies were able to experience and while I'm slightly sad that I didn't get to go to the first gathering, my life and my situation made this decision for me and it is what it is.  Getting angry, jealous, sad, frustrated or anything negative about my inability to participate won't help me. 

So while I (and many other non-traveling BOOBs) have been making offhanded remarks about missing you, feeling abandoned, wondering where on earth you've gone even though you are right here...it's because of what I never saw coming.  And I'm not sure you, the traveling BOOB have any idea of it.

Here it is.  In a nutshell.

The lap-banded blogging community nearly shut down.  You just took away 50 amazing women for nearly two weeks.  Yep.  Your weekend was a week in buildup, the weekend, and now the week to absorb.  And I could venture the week in buildup was even longer in a few cases.  Some BOOBs checked out over a month ago.  Don't get me wrong.  No one suffered because of this "abandonment" (and I use the term because it most closely fits, but I truly know that I was not nor have I ever been abandoned) but there were a lot of us left at our own computers left wondering "why am I even posting?"  Barely anyone was reading. 


It made me realize the real power of comments.  I don't get a lot of comments, on average, anyway, but when they drop by half (and half of not many is very little, in case you didn't know) it's noticeable.

It made me realize that while this blog is about me and for me, it's also a way of seeking affirmation and that good ol' support thing.  The support didn't go away...but it was different.

Anyway, all this to say, you traveling BOOBs...you matter.  To a lot of us.  I was not the only one thinking and feeling as I did.  I gained fuel in saying something because others were, too.

And I'm not singing a pity song here, it's not about that.  I wanted to try to explain to the travelers what your impact truly is.  It's far more than the friendships you brought to real life this weekend.  It's all these tiny little strings that stretch all over the world.  But real life or not, we all were affected by this past weekend.

Love you, BOOBs.  I am soooo incredibly glad that you all enjoyed such a fantastic weekend and I look forward to the day when I get to join one of these trips.  Hopefully it's sooner rather than later.

(This blog is truly NOT about me.  It is to try to illustrate to the BOOBs how awesome you all are, how awesome this community is, and how this weekend was felt by more than just the people in attendance.  This weekend drove home to me (and probably more than just me) the importance of all of you that DID go.  I hope this blog leaves you with an "aw" feeling and not a "dang, but she's a dumbass" feeling.)

Us

I thought this was a cute spin on the get to know you things so I stole this from Nicole at "Let Them Eat Lettuce"

1. When is your "engagement" anniversary?

June 1, 2007

2. When is your "marriage" anniversary?

May 10, 2008

3. How long have you known your spouse?

Almost four years...we met on Feb 9, 2007.

4. How long did you date before you were engaged?

About four months.
5. Where did you meet your spouse for the first time?

A birthday party for a mutual friend.

6. What is your spouses full name?

Some of you know him as "Lori's Husband Fred" or LHF. 

7. Do you have any children?

We hope to, but not yet.

8. How many? Boys/Girls

So far we agree on two.  There may be more.  There will not be less.  If we are lucky enough to have them.

9. Do you have any house pets?

2 dogs and 2 cats.  The dogs are our babies.  The cats, well, they are cats...

Doggie on the left is my "baby dog" and doggie on the right is hubby's "puppy dog"

10. Do you own a house or rent?

Own.  Bought it in August 2006. 

11. Do you live in the country/town/city?

Suburb

12. What is one of your favorite activites to do together?

Just be with each other.  That can entail just parked on the couch watching tv, swimming, traveling, even commuting to and from work.  At the heart of all that we "do" being together is the thing we like the best.

13. Do you have a favorite vacation spot?

We love Las Vegas and Antigua (where we went for our honeymoon).  There is a lot of traveling in store for us - we need to get my hubby to where I've been, especially some of my faves.

14. When did you first kiss?

The night we met.

15. What church do you attend?

Hope

16. Is this the church you were married in?

Yes.

17. What town is your current address at?

in Texas

18. Do you work or stay home?

I work

19. Where did you go on your honeymoon?

Antigua

20. What was the funniest gift one of you gave while dating?

I don't know about gifts, my hubby is a great gift giver - always well thought out and perfect for what's going on at the time.  But I know that he made a comment...in a conversation about getting married...he mistakenly remembered me saying I wanted to get married in the fall.  I'd actually said I wanted to get married in the spring.  He was talking to me about when he'd go ring shopping and when he'd propose.  And when I finally could, I said, I didn't want to get married in the fall, I wanted to get married in the spring.  And he said "so soon".  He's never lived that one down - but he's the first to tell the story most of the time.

21. How long have you been together?

Nearly four years together, two and a half married.

22. How long did you know each other before you started dating?

We never really dated.  We were what I call an "insta-couple".  From the night we met onwards, we were inseparable.  We were together for a month before we went on our first date - to the Melting Pot and a show.  And within weeks of that, we were living together.

23. Who asked who out?

Well, since we never really dated, we never really asked the other out.

24. How old are each of you?

We are 35.  Our birthdays are two weeks apart.

25. Where do each of you go to school?

We graduated long ago.  We are a house divided - he went to Texas Tech and I went to Texas  A&M.

26. Which situation is hardest on you as a couple?

Being apart from each other.  Sappy as it sounds...it's true.  He is my best friend, my favorite person on the planet, so to speak.  Being away from him feels like taking a piece of my heart out.  I won't lie and say I don't appreciate the times when we are apart, when he goes and does something without me and vice versa.  But it feels so unnatural to be apart and so right when we are finally back together...just a few hours later.  :)

27. Did you go to the same school?

No.  And he went to college straight out of high school while I went and joined the Navy and traveled the world, first.  He graduated about the time I was just starting college for real.  (I say for real cause I'd gone to college right out of high school and "dropped out" to join the Navy.)

28. Are you from the same town?

No.  We aren't even from the same state.  He's a native Texan.  I'm from Cali and have now been in Texas for a little over ten years.

29. Who is smarter?

Most of the time, it's him.  I have my strengths, though.  But I'd say 99% of the time it's him.

30. Who is more sensitive?

I'd say it's me.  And it's not a good thing.

31. Where do you eat out most as a couple?

There's a few places.  Moo-Yah for a good burger.  Kim Hai or Les Givrals for my fave, Vietnamese.  An Asian Bistro or a sushi joint we both love for either Chinese or sushi.  There's also a BBQ joint we love but rarely go to.  And finally, even more rarely, Gringo's, our favorite Tex-Mex restaurant.

32. Where is the farthest you two have traveled as a couple?

As a couple that'd have to be Antigua, I'm pretty sure.  As a couple, we've gone to NYC, Denver, Las Vegas, Cali multiple times and Antigua.  I'm pretty sure mileage-wise, Antigua's the furthest but I'm too lazy to check.  Ok, I checked.  And Google can't even calculate it.  But I'm pretty sure that's the "farthest" for us.

33. Who has the craziest exes?

Neither of us have crazy exes...but he's got a couple that realize he was the "one that got away". 

34. Who has the worse temper?

That's me.  My hubby doesn't get mad.  That worries me.  So I get mad to make him mad.  But he still won't get mad.  I'm afraid of all that he bottles up...but it's what he does.  He says I'm the first person in his life to ever care about that.

35. Who does the cooking?

Mostly me.  I'm good at it and I really enjoy it.  I love concocting new things, trying new things, and learning new techniques.  My hubby wants me to open a restaurant.  I'd be the chef (HA) and he'd run the front.  He'd definitely be better up front than I would.

36. Who is more social?

That's definitely the hubby.  That's why he would run the front of the restaurant.  :)  I love people...but he has never ever ever met an enemy.  We can be walking through an airport in another state and he'll run into a friend.

37. Who is the neat-freak?

Neither of us are neat-freaks but I definitely care more.  He will drop his drawers where ever...and then leave them drawers right there.  I want them draws put away!

38. Who is more stubborn?

Probably a tie on that one.

39. Who hogs the bed?

Neither.  We have two twin adjustable beds put together as a king.  So if he crosses over to cuddle..or I cross over to cuddle, someone is in the crack.  He runs hot so not a lot of cuddling all night long.  He sleeps on his side, I sleep on my side, and the doggies are in between.

40. Who wakes up earlier?

On weekends, me.  On weekdays, him.  We commute together so we leave the house together...but he's much better about getting up in the morning than I am.

41. Where was your first date?

Our first date was a month in, like I said.  And we went to Melting Pot and then to a show.

42. Who had more boyfriends/girlfriends?

He had more serious relationships and was married once before me.  The x cheated on him and really screwed up and realized way too late what she had done/was doing.  She wanted him back but he said "nope".  And then eventually I came along.  He had at least four other serious relationships whereas I only had three.  Although I probably did more dating....

43. Do you get flowers often?

Used to but we (both of us) don't want to spend the money on splurges like that for the time being.

44. How do you spend the holidays?

Way too stressfully!  We have yet to do a Christmas with my side of the family which is usually a lot of fun because we do destination things and make Christmas a get away.  We have, for the duration of "us" been splitting time with his mom and then his dad (divorced) which leaves us driving all over Texas.  It's stressful and it's too much driving for too short visits (drive 2 hours to spend 2 together then 2 hours home, type thing).

45. Who is more jealous?

Neither of us.  Unless you count how we feel about the other's dog.

46. How long did it take to get serious?

That whole insta-couple thing again.  We were serious about each other the first weekend we met.  We tried to slow it down but that just seemed so wrong so by the end of week one we said it is what it is and we just enjoyed!

47. Who eats more?

Used to be even.  Now it's him.

48. Who does the laundry?

Used to be both of us until we bought our new fancy schmancy washer and dryer.  Now I won't let him.  He sneaks in when he cans to start or finish a load...but I love my washer and dryer.  He usually helps me fold and hang.

49. Who is better with the computer?

I'd say me.  What I do is very heavily computer based and I use both Windows and Linux as my OS's.  It's given me a pretty good understanding of everything.  And I get coding and organizational aspects of computers that most people don't realize they are using but are.  And hardware is too easy to work with....

50. Leave a piece of advice for other couples.

Don't be afraid to go to bed mad.  If you stay up to "solve a fight" you'll just go to bed even more tired, even more frustrated and even angrier.  Go to sleep, get your rest, and then approach the "fight" with a clear mind the next day.  More often than not, you'll wake up and realize it was stupid and who cares and so what.  Don't be afraid to go to bed mad.



09/28/10: Ok then

So since I don't really want to talk about what's really bothering me (the absence of the BOOBs from the blogging community and my ensuing feelings of being abandoned), I'll talk about fluff instead.

For starters...I will say...I still miss you, all you BOOBs.  You all really make a difference in my blog and therefore my journey.  Does this make me codependent?

So yesterday I kicked up my weights A LOT.  I'm talking about squatting 100 pounds type of a lot.  Tonight I'll be bench pressing the same.  That's not a lot of weight, no, I'm not delusional enough to think I'm strong.  (But I am.)  But considering that I'm working back up...and with my last "five week cycle" I was squatting just an olympic bar...and benching "just" an olympic bar (they weigh 45 pounds just by themselves)...well...this was a jump.

And it was awesome.

This is where I want to be.  The weights I am lifting now...I believe these will generally sustain me through the rest of my downward journey.  And once at goal, I can back them back off again.

Last week I was lifting my week 3 (week 3 is my super "heavy" week) of my previous week 5 cycle weights.  Which had me at 60 lb squats and 50 pound presses.  Last week was fun and it was work.  But this week starts week 2 and week 2 is more than week 1, of course.  And next week will be ridiculous.  I'm so excited!

Last night I felt so alive.  My muscles were crying for something to "feed them" after my workout and I gave them chocolate and gatorade (not together).  And not very much at all - one mini and one glass.  It's amazing, to me, if I listen to what my body is asking for - I can't overdo it.  My body told me when I'd had enough gatorade.  My body told me that the mini dark chocolate piece I ate was plenty.  And it all was.  One of the things that has changed is that my brain listened to my body and simply said "you know best" and didn't try to persuade me that anymore was necessary.

Which leads to a conversation with our roomie in my kitchen last night.  He's a major fitness buff and he lifts daily and is married to his own personal trainer (how they met).  And we stood in my kitchen with him starting the conversation with "I just can't believe how amazing you are looking".  "It's obvious you know what you are doing in the gym and your hard work is paying off."

(This following my month long binge on ice cream!  HA!)

So the conversation ensues...listening to our bodies.  Sometimes we crave carbs.  If I listen to my body instead of my brain...guess what - carbs have a purpose.  If I listen to my body instead of my brain, then my brain can backtrack and realize "yeah, we haven't had any carbs in like a week.  No shit!"  So we can eat carbs.  Or protein.  Or even something as specific as gatorade.  I rarely drink gatorade but we always keep a can/jar/bottle thingy of powder around.  And when I suddenly get the taste for it...there's really a reason.  If I talk myself out of it "because I don't need the calories" then I'm in for a binge.  If I let myself have it, the "tooth" is satisfied and we all move on.

I am learning that I have to start trusting this.  I really do.  And that's a hard trick to pull off.  Because sometimes hormones...um...well...screw it all up.

Which is why I love this whole BBT tracking thing I talked about yesterday.  It's been so much more than just figuring out when I ovulate...never knew...but I believe it could help a number of people to figure out what's going on and be able to be proactive vs. reactive.  I love proactivity!

TJ - you asked yesterday if I'm tracking body fat % or lean mass lost.  I'm not tracking lean mass lost but I am vaguely aware of what it's doing (it's generally steady).  Body fat %, though, yes.  I actually had to go buy myself a set of calipers and I measure about once a month.  I can say it's why I'm not worried about my BMI so much at all because my percent body fat is currently at 29% which puts me staunchly in an average category.  My BMI is still "obese" but it's muscle content that I'm carrying, not necessarily fat (although there's still plenty of it).

But now that you said something, yeah, I probably will start tracking it.  :)  Both would be good information to have at hand.  Like inches speaking when the scale can't/doesn't/won't - body fat and/or lean mass will follow my inches which do steadily drop.

Anywho, have a great day, y'all!  I hope all the BOOBs are getting rested and relaxed after such a fun weekend.

09/27/10: Experimentation

So, I came up with being an experimenter in a previous blog.  And it's true.  I am.  I am also a data recorder and analyzer.  I love data.  I think it's why I like GoBe so much.  I'd say, if you asked me whether you should buy a GoWear Fit or a BodyBugg...nah, probably not.  It actually isn't helping me to lose weight.  It isn't.  If I see a day where my calorie burn is "low", then I don't say "dangit, get up and fix it".  Instead, I say "eh, whatever, it's a choice I made".  If I see that calorie consumption is too high, well, whatever, it's a choice.  Or my sleep isn't enough...well, wouldn't we all like to get more sleep?  I already know I need more sleep.  Want, rather.

But GoBe gives me data.  And data gives my brain something to fixate on other than the scale.  I have multiple tabs in my weightloss spreadsheet designated for different GoBe things.  My weekly bank - gets a tab.  My daily results - gets a tab.  My daily results also get graphed and the graphs are then correlated to my actual scale numbers.

Yep.  It's data.  Data makes me calm.

hehehehe...

(according to unwritten etiquette, LOL is to be used in cases where hehehe exceeds five.  It is capitalized when the "hehe"s exceed six.  My husband saw a tweet about it so it must be true!)

Well...turns out babymaking is same.  BBT, to me, is data.  Data, to me, is calm.  I love data.  BBT is making me a sane and rational person.  (Me loves me some babymaking!)

Anywho, BBT at least helps me not beany crazier than I already am.

So I am learning this about myself.  That when I have data....I can approach everything methodically, objectively...I can be rational.  I can talk myself off ledges and I can make myself appreciate the journey.  I can make sense of hormone surges and the resultant fire breathing personality and it's affect on my weight.  I can make sense of illogical things!

Take the data away and freak out commences.  Restore data...Lori is good.  Take data away, Lori will scratch and claw her way back to data.

Am I a scientist, or what?  Now I understand why I got the degree I got, why I took the electives I took, why I'm in the profession I am.  Who knew that weightloss tracking would help me understand my quirky brain better!

So there I was, yesterday, crawling in the shower thinking how nuts I must be that I must have data. 

And it occurred to me.  All this experimenting I'm doing - you know, creating data - has led me to realize

I can't screw this up!

I mean I just purposefully spent a month doing everything wrong on purpose.  And I didn't screw up my progress.  I didn't really make any progress (I did lose three pounds but that would have been better if I hadn't been experimenting).  But more importantly, I didn't undo the progress I have currently made.  I can't screw it up!  If I follow reasonable portion sizes and even remotely moderate exercise, I make progress.  If I don't, I can't screw it up!

What a great thing to realize.

I just spent a month doing what I've always done to gain weight back (never on purpose, just one of those life things, in the past) and I didn't gain weight back this time.

I'm sure I could figure out how to screw it up if I really tried, but doing what I've done in the past to screw it up doesn't do it anymore.  And I don't want to screw it up - so I won't spend the time or energy on figuring it out.

Now for a soapbox discussion.

I also am realizing the importance of muscle.  This is something for a friend...she's lost 103 pounds and completely stalled out.  I was showing some of my exercises that I am doing as she and another friend wanted to see some things that can help with triceps and quads.  So here we are in my gym and I pick up a light weight for me (10 lbs) and show the exercises.  And my friend wants to feel the movement so she grabs the 10lb weight and she can't do it.  Grabs a 5lb and it was a lot of effort to make it happen, but she did do it.

And I realized...when she was carrying that 103 extra pounds, that muscle probably did exist.  But as she's lost weight and her muscles haven't had to work so hard to sustain her frame, the muscle has disappeared.  Along with it, the metabolism has dropped significantly, too.

The successful bandsters who are at goal, by and large, have built muscle the entire duration of this process.  As we weigh less, muscle becomes even more important.  We used to have it in there, hidden in fat, to make our bodies carry the excess.  Take away the excess and if you don't feed the muscle, as I am now calling it, it is going to disappear.

If you haven't considered weightlifting, please do. I am one of those people that doesn't think that cardio can be your saving grace.  Cardio will only take you so far.  A mix of cardio and weights - anaerobic and aerobic - that will take you the distance.

Ok, off my soapbox.

Now give me data....

Have a great week, y'all!  And welcome back BOOBs.  I missed you all and am so happy that everyone had a great time!

A BOOBs wish and an NSV

I hope all my blogger peeps have a superb weekend in Chicago meeting some of the people behind the blogs.  I wish I could be there with you but it will happen someday in the future.  I hope everyone stays safe and happy and enjoys their patooties off to the max!

As for the NSV...I had my wedding ring and engagement rings sized down.  They weren't falling off - I'm one of those people that has knuckles that keep the rings on...except my pinky...no knuckle on my pinky.  And even with that said, the knuckles aren't big...just enough to create a bump that rings don't fall past.  Anywho...I went from a 7.5 down to a 6.  Can you believe that?  They weren't falling off, like I said, but they wouldn't stop spinning.  And with the humidity of the summer dissipating and the dry air replacing...they are just getting looser.  Down to a 6...I can't believe it!

Oh...speaking of jewelry related NSV's...my good nice watches fit!  I have some very nice, very fitted metal band type of watches.  And I could always wear them...but they weren't attractive.  Now...I could actually have a link or two removed!  That's crazy because these watches were fitted to my wrist when I was 180 and 160 respectively.  But they are bigger now....at 210 (give or take a few depending on the day)...

Somethings different about this go-round of losing weight.  That's all I know.  It must be in the water...

Have a great weekend, y'all!

09/22/10: Where have they gone?

I am learning, because of this Chicago trip, that I really do write these blogs for the sake of the comments I hope to receive.  And with everyone so consumed with Chicago and what appears to be the upcoming fashion show, the upcoming 'what will they think of me' weekend and the upcoming 'have I lost enough weight' weekend, I can't help but sit here in my non-BOOB-ness and think, but what about me?

All I have to say is...come back!

I miss you, you BOOBS!

Come back, please!  Have your fun this weekend and then come back.

In other news...well...like I've mentioned the past two days...there are things I've been processing over the past two months, maybe three, can't remember exactly when or even how it started, in relation to my journey.  I've realized certain things about me and my perspective that I thought I knew better.  Before I go anywhere with this, let me say, MandaPanda, I don't feel like willpower is the issue.  My "treats" have been a very cognizant and thought out decision.  I budget for these treats, I think about what the treat will be, I don't have this, 'well, it's here, so I have to eat it'.  In fact, not only do I very consciously decide what the treat will be as I'm shopping each week, but I also am quite easily able to say "only two minis" or "only 1oz of this" or "only half an ounce of that".  I am using a lot of willpower in these treats, if you can believe that.  Were I not, then I wouldn't even remotely be able to restrict the what and how much. Which ties to the comment from Amandakiska.  I don't feel this is a compulsion, either.  Compulsion, to me, is walking through the grocery store and without any thought about it at all, I have to put this and that in the cart.  When I get home, I'd then compulsively go to the kitchen for this or that and eat however much of this or that "felt" right.  Compulsion, to me, is not planning, not budgeting, and then afterwards dealing with the results of a probably poor decision.  Like compulsively shopping.  If I go out to buy pants and instead buy furniture, that's compulsion.  What I was trying to convey yesterday was that I think about the chocolate or the ice cream or the sesame sticks or whether to use Greek yogurt or mayonaise in my chicken salad.  I think about it for a week and then plan it into my days and plan in into my "weekly bank".  I plan it all out.  I see how I can do this without affecting protein, calories or even fat grams.  I see how it all plays together and consciously decide "it's ok" and then - only then - do I do it.  And some days, it's not ok, and I don't do it.

So, it's weird this chocolate and ice cream "trip".  Because I am planning it.  I'm planning how much, how often, how it pertains, how it works out.  I think you are right, Amandakiska, that I am wanting something at 8pm because I need a pick me up at the end of the day.  I am living on 1100 calories a day, on average, and while I have plenty of stored energy to revert to, my body would rather have fresh fuel than have to burn something old and yuck.  Problem is, I want that old and yuck to go away.  So I need to stop giving fresh fuel.

I also know that summer being over is a key thing for me.  Historically, I have never lost well during the summer.  Last spring, I'm thinking March time frame, I did a blog on how much I love tea.  But I challenge anyone to try to drink a cup of hot tea in Houston in August.  It aint gonna happen.  It aint gonna happen so much so that this here person who hates ice cream because it's too cold and too sweet would rather have the cold ice cream in that month that is awful.  But our temps are cooling off, finally.  Still not where we should be for this time of year (and this Aug was far more brutal than most Aug's I've been here in Houston) but it's cooling off enough that ice cream is losing it's appeal. 

We could go into more logical things I could have done...but it all ties into what I've been processing the past two or three months.

I think part of what I was doing is figuring out what I can do.  I can't ever eat this and that or not eat this and that just because someone says so.  In this case a nutritionist and a surgeon.  I couldn't go to college because successful Mommy and Daddy said so.  I had to learn the reasons for myself.  I couldn't get myself on the marriage track in my 20's because society says that's normal.  I felt like it was more important to learn me.  I have never been able to do something because someone before me learned before me and said "this is what works".  I have to figure it out myself.  I can listen to those before me and say to myself, 'ah, logical, sounds good'.  And it gives me fuel to pursue my own education and decision-making.

So here I was.  With a band.  Giving me my own education and I am now using that to help with making multiple decisions.

A few key things I've learned my own hard way.

• protein matters.  If I don't start the day with "enough" protein, I am starving all day long.
• carbs matter.  If I don't take in enough carbs, my brain gets sad and fuzzy and withdrawn.
• the weekly bank of calories matters more than the daily intake of calories, for me.  My weekly bank is 8400 calories, which is 1200 a day for a week.  It doesn't matter, however, what I get in a day.  I've found that if on Monday I eat 2000 (hasn't happened yet, but it could if I go to the state fair one year) then on Tuesday I don't want nearly that many.  I have found that if I eat 1500 on Saturday because of attending a wedding and then 1200 on Sunday because of having a pool party, that on Monday, I won't want more than 900.  And Tuesday I might only want 1000.  And at the end of the week, if I listen to what my body wants, the average works out, usually, to 1100 a day. 
• I'm currently learning that I'm too dependent on GoBe and I need to buck up and take it off.
• I'm currently learning that my nutritionist was right but I now have my very own reasons.
• I'm currently learning that my husband's choices, or lack thereof, also greatly affect me.
• that's a blog for later.  Much much later.

I think I've also been playing around with exercise.  What's necessary, what's excess, what's too little, what's too much.

I am not one of those people that can necessarily tell you "here's what I'm working on" or "here's what I want to know".  I'm a pretty experimental person and I experiment with all kinds of approaches and outlooks and then decide what works best for me.  And then, after figuring it out, I share what I learned and what I was up to.

My experimentation is fun, for me.  Leads me to learn things which leads to what I think is ultimately good decision making.  For me.  My experimentation has shown me the key things above.  It's also shown me that while I can eat ice cream every day, doesn't mean I should.  I can exercise day in and day out but doesn't mean I have to.  I can eat 900 calories and be quite satisfied but I can also eat 1200 calories a day, too.  I cannot eat 1500 calories a day, however, and expect to lose weight.

By the time I report on something, usually, it's because I've already figured it out.  I rarely work on something verbally and ask for input and opinions.  And just because something works for me, doesn't mean it will work for another - or vice versa.

I think chocolate and ice cream have been tests for me.  While I don't like chocolate now, maybe when I'm 60, I will.  I know that as I've grown older my tastes have changed.  And I know my grandmother is one of the craziest chocoholics I know.  But I also know there was a time where she was indifferent about it.  I don't want to think, I guess, that I can't eat chocolate when I'm 60 if I get the hankering for it, then.  Ice cream, on the other hand, is something I don't like eleven months out of the year.  But there is generally one month, August, when it does do something for me.  Again, I don't want to think I can never eat ice cream.  I do know, for both, that if they ever appeal to me, I want to know that I can control them.

So I tested it.  Now.  When I really have nothing to lose.  It would suck, for me, if when I lost all my weight and got to maintenance, to then eat ice cream in August only to discover that it was my undoing.  If it undid me now, well, I still have to lose anyway.  I have nothing to lose by testing it.  If it undid me at maintenance, it would be depressing.  TO ME.  So if I can eat it now and maintain, then that's feedback for me.  If I can eat it now and lose - without trying - that's even more feedback for me.

And that's what I got.  Feedback.  Education.

And no, this isn't set in stone that ice cream will always be ok.  But I have more knowledge about whether ice cream may or may not be ok than I did before I tested this.

I hope I am not mincing my words too greatly.  To try and put it succinctly: I ate ice cream for a month without being diligent about working out and I still lost weight.

I could have lost more, I could have eaten less ice cream, I could have worked out consistently.  But here's what I learned.

• I know that averaging 1200 calories a day and budgeting for ice cream affords me the ability to be able to pull it off. 
• I do not know what my calorie intake average will have to be at maintenance and how this might apply in a year.  I do know because of the results of this test, that I'll feel ok with testing it again and will deal with the results, whatever they may be.

Anywho.  I'm rambling.

There's a lot more to this.  You'll be tired of me by the time I get it all out.  This is my journey.  I'm just sharing what I'm learning.

In real news, I can say emphatically...I NEED A FILL.  I'm scheduled for one on Oct 15th and that just is what it is.  I can't get an appt sooner than two weeks from now and I don't want to get a fill and then turn around and go to Wisconsin the next day.  So the fill will have to wait until I get back home.  Kinda sucks, though.  Restriction sure is a funny funny thing.  One days it's there and then poof....

That's all I got.

Happy Hump Day!

09/21/10: Fall is coming, fall is coming...

Now where is it?  Fall that is.  Where is it?  I love cold.  I love cool.  I love chilly.  I love not humid.  I love changing leaves and grass turning brown and shorter days and fires in the fireplace.

So why have I chosen to live in Houston?

Really?  Why have I?  I'm asking.

Because I don't get it.  It makes no sense.  None at all.

Yeah, I love the amount of rain we get here.  I love the people, that's for sure - so friendly and courteous and respectful.  It's baffling, really, that a city as big as Houston can still be filled with friendly, courteous and respectful people.  I mean...manners still exist!  When I lived in California, when I lived in Chicago, when I lived in Hawaii...manners were an urban legend.  But they are REAL here.

But I HATE the weather.  Except when it rains.  Or when we have four day freezes (like this past January).  Or when it finally does cool off in late November.  I love Houston between November and March. 

Odd.

Anywho.  This blog is so totally not about that!  And yet I just wasted that space to talk about something I'm not even talking about today.

Wow.

Special.

This blog IS about me.  Me and my...um...journey.  Or lack thereof, here lately.

Let's dissect Lori today.

Lori hates ice cream.  So for the last month, Lori has been eating ice cream every day.  I was eating it more like once or twice a week.  But in the last month...I've been eating it every day.  I budget it in, factor in the calories I'm getting.  I've even fallen in love with a yogurt/ice cream blend which actually has protein and it comes in these tiny little serving cups and works out to 170 calories a serving.  But I hate ice cream.  And I'm eating it anyway.

Lori hates chocolate.  Yeah, I said it.  I mean it.  It's the taste that does not appeal to me.  It's weird.  I can't explain it.  Chocolate does not make me feel better nor does it satisfy anything.  Periodically I'll go on these trips, yeah, lets call 'em trips, where I want a piece or two - like a kiss or a miniature - each evening.  This "trip" generally lasts for a week or two and it's done.  Yep.  I've been eating chocolate for a month, too.  Although...I haven't had a piece since Saturday.

I need to just stop buying the stuff.  If the danged weather would cool off, I'd probably care less about the ice cream.  I don't know what is causing the chocolate trip.

But it's weird.  I hate this stuff and I'm eating it.  Why am I not looking for something better as that last after dinner something?  Why am I turning to crap that's also crap I don't like?  I don't get it.  I keep examining and re-examining and I can't see that it's comforting - it's not, it has me on edge, actually, to be going for something I don't even like.  It's not satisfying - I don't like it!  It's not nutritional, it's not filling a need - other than extra calories to get me to the more appropriate 1100-1200 per day.

It's just so weird.

But what I keep coming back to is this.  I keep going to this crap because I can.

Yep.  I eat crap.  On purpose.  To make my calories seem more reasonable.  Yes, somewhere around 8pm I want just a little something.  One piece of chocolate or a small serving of ice cream does the trick.  I get my little something and I don't blow my calorie budget.

But I can.  And not only can I....but I still lose weight.

Ok, but lets try snapping back to reality.  If I didn't eat the crap...I'd probably lose more weight.

And here I am...frustrated...because for the past two weeks prior to yesterday....I've lost nothing.

What is it that I expect?

So here I am saying that the ice cream is done.  The chocolate bites are done.  And all the other little things that my pea brain justifies are done.  Just because I can afford to eat the crap does not mean I should.  I know better.  And even at my worst...I still didn't have these habits.

I know I can live without my 8pm "something".  I know I can live without chocolate and ice cream.  I know I can be better.  If I'm not getting enough food then I need to up my meals.  More chicken salad at lunch.  Maybe 5oz at dinner instead of 4oz.  I need to play with that.

There's another thing on my pea brain today.  I have always lost weight with ease over the winter and held onto weight no matter how active, how hard I try, how well I eat during the summer.  I am looking forward to summer being over.  This is the first summer I've lost - and it's been slow. 

v     ee     r     y        v    eee    rrr     yyy    ssssssssssssslllllllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwww

Slow.  Frustratingly slow at times.  Yet.  I've been eating chocolate.  And ice cream.  And sesame sticks.  What?  Did I not mention those?  I've also been eating fried chicken wings and pizza and hamburgers (although wrapped in lettuce, not in a bun).

And while, no, I won't ever give this crap up for once and for all, I also should not be eating this stuff daily or weekly, depending on the item.  No, I don't eat fried chicken wings once a week...but I'm learning that even once a month is actually too much.  My "treats" need to really be "treats".  I should not be allowed a "treat" every day.  And that's where I've been.

So how can I be frustrated if I'm losing slowly when I'm really not trying at all?  Weightlifting is hit or miss with me right now.  And this week my excuse is this danged cold and my correlating exhaustion.  I'm going home to bed tonight so weightlifting tonight is out.  Tomorrow dinner with a friend.  Thursday, it's likely to get picked up but I'll have to make sure I work 4 days straight and I've not been doing that, either.

So...secretly...I'm pleased with the ease of losing slowly.

But I'm there.  Here's the thing.  I'm ready.  I'm done.  I'm done with chocolate, with any and every lame excuse I've conjured up for why I'm not really trying.  I'm done.  I have one week left to travel in just about two weeks and that week is going to be full of activity.  And I'm excited about that.

I've done just enough weightlifting that I have a pretty good muscle base going.  It's in there and it's not atrophying.  I can do enough this week and next to keep the muscle happy to really feed the muscle come Oct 9th.  And this is mentionable because yesterday...with the cold...went home, vegged on the couch...went to bed at 9-friggin-pm and was exhausted and slept the night through - and managed to still have a calorie burn of 2300 for the day.  My normal sedentary days put me in a calorie burn range of 1900.  I love GoBe for helping me learn such things!

You know what else I'm doing?  Right now, in fact.  This very day.  I said I needed to just do it yesterday.  And today I did it.  I wore a real bra.  It hurts.  It's not comfortable.  And I'm glad I've got it on.  The girls are front and center pointed in the right direction as opposed to my tit sling style - down and out.  It hurts because I'm not used to real bras any longer and it's not comfortable for the same reason.  I think...when I bought this bra...maybe it shrunk...or maybe I'm really a D cup right now.  But I'm sure - was sure when I bought this - that I'll end up a C and this thing will stretch out and I can invest in great bras as I go.  But I'm working on the first hurdle.  Just like back in the tween years when you had to wear a training bra to get used to 'em...I'm relearning wearing a real bra.  And it feels good.  I'm gonna do me one better, too.  I'm going to go home and throw those stretched out, exhausted, dingy titslings away.  No more excuses.  I've been wearing heels for months...bras had to be next. 

You know what else?  My pants...first pair of pants that moved into the rotation of "these are wearable again".  They moved back into the wardrobe back in early July and were working alongside the last of my 20's as I moved them out.  The last of the 20's moved out in early August.  These pants are 18's.  And while I'm stil fully an 18 in pants, these pants are probably the largest of my 18's and they won't last too much longer.  They are baaaaaaa-gheeeee.  Two coworkers even commented on the bagginess today.  I love these pants but I won't miss them.

So that's it.  Secrets I've been keeping...I really suck.  But I'm finally doing some work on the brain that really has me ready to unsuck myself.

Stay tuned for what the real brain work has been up to.  It's coming...soon...to a blog post near you....

By the by - I know a lot of you guys figure all this stuff out verbally through the blog and then live with your awesomeness amongst us all.  I, I am learning, internalize everything...and then report the results.  I've had about two months, maybe three, of internalizing some real crap.  And it's finally approaching "done" and I'm ready to share.  It will get shared...just can't quite say on exactly which day.

09/20/10: Mondays

Seems a list sort of day...

• My feelings of contentedness now seem to have been replaced with humdrumness.
• That's ok.  Nothing wrong with mundane.
• I'd love it if my mundane could mean getting back onto my exercise regime and STAYING on it.
• But that won't happen quite yet.  We are going on another trip at the beginning of Oct and while I can work out directly up to that trip and I can work out directly following that trip - weightlifting won't happen ON the trip...so I won't be doing my normal in my normal with my normal.
• That's ok, too.  I'll take a week off in between and pick up right where I left off on the 5-week weightlifting routine.
• And while on the vacation, I'll get some walking in.  Should be gorgeous weather, when comparing to the too-hot/too-humid of Houston, so I'll be happy to be outside walking walking walking.  That's something I can't do in Houston right now...be outside walking...
• I have a personal type blog to post (after I write it) that involves my husband.  Before I post it, we (he and I) need to talk more about it.  But I am learning just how tied my journey is to my husband.  No, he's not prompting me to eat right, workout more, sleep longer, or DO anything.  But his success is tied to my success is tied to his success.  I learned a lot about myself just today, so far, and can't wait to share.
• My husband and I are a team and we are in this together.
• I am wearing a size 14 blouse today.
• The brand of clothing that made the blouse does not do vanity sizing.
• I've decided I seriously hate vanity sizing.  I won't be buying brands that I know entertain such sizing schemes.
• It's just a personal thing.
• So if I stick with a 'size 8 is really a size 8' and a 'size 2 is really a size 2' and not a 'size 8 is really a size 12'...then following the really a real thing, I'll be insane with oh-my-goshness if I ever hit a size 8.
• I am down to 6 blouses/shirts that are appropriate for work that fit.
• That means it's time to start shopping again soon.
• I'm still pretty lopsided.  Size 14 uptop.  Size 18 down south with some 16's in the mix, too.  Almost all of my slacks/pants are "old" and were purchased before vanity sizing became the norm.  Size 14 blouses are fitting "perfectly" while the size 18 pants are becoming quite loose.
• I'm scared to shop for 16's and 12's.  I don't want to go through what I remember of being depressed when 16's didn't fit in this brand but did in that brand.  I remember after size 12 or so, that shopping was a dangerous activity for me ol' mental health.  I'm scared....
• It is what it is.
• Whatever will be will be.
• I'd love it....REALLY REALLY love it if I could get back to the point where I could call a bra "comfortable".  I really need to just do it.  I hate these tit-sling things.  They are comfortable...but they are ugly, they don't work well with some tops, they don't make me perky...about all they do is slightly control the flop.
• I'm afraid my belly skin isn't going to shrink.  I think that because it hasn't been shrinking much, so far.  It's mostly just hanging there.  I noticed over the weekend a very cottage cheesey texture to it.  That's remarkable because when I've seen this texture in the past, on thighs and belly...then in a few short weeks, shrinkage does occur.  I'm hoping.  But I'm thinking it aint gonna be enough.  That cottage-cheesey-ness isn't always there...so it's odd when it appears.
• I hope I didn't just make you hate cottage cheese.
• I have a cold right now.
• I hate colds.
• But I'm loving the unhungry aspect.
• Given that I'm not working out as I should be right now, this cold has actually helped to kickstart weightloss again.
• I love that even when something happens that makes me not work out like I should...the band still saves me from gaining weight back.  I'm finding that I can maintain with no effort at all.
• My college football team won on Saturday.  :)  My husband's college team did not.  :(  Our NFL team won on Sunday.  That one is super yay!
• We had a football watching party on Saturday.  We had our 65" playing my husband's college team.  My college team was not televised, again.  And then we set up our spare 42" plasma for a friend's team (Auburn).  Our family room was likened to a sports bar on multiple occasions.
• I made a pot of chili and made more than enough to have plenty of leftovers.  I mean like I made twice as much as should have been eaten.
• People like my chili A LOT.
• There was none left.  The bowl was scraped dry!
• Sunday we had people over again for the NFL experience.  A neighbor made chicken wings and brought them over and I baked cookies.
• It was the first time I've baked cookies all year, let alone since banded. 
• I love baking.
• The cookies are good.
• Most will be frozen and we'll grab one out of the freezer and warm beside the stove as we make a cup-o-tea. 
• I made them super tiny so they are really like 5 cookies is a "serving".  But I'll still eat just 1.  If I eat 1 at all...
• It's Monday.
• I don't hate that.
• There is a distinct possibility that I'll get to do some work this week.
• I'm ready to go home now, though.  Not much hope for today...
• I hope everyone has a great week!  That's my plan, personally...

BYOC

1. Last week we asked your favorite thing about being an adult. This week the question is: what is one thing you miss about being a child?

Being able to swim and run and jump rope and ride my bike and play soccer and chear and dance and-and-and all day long.  I wish my adult obligations didn't have to get so in the way of my real life!  I miss being so danged active!


2. When you make a serious life decision – do you use your head or your heart?

Buying a house - head.  Falling in love - heart.  In general, it depends.  Sometimes logic prevails.  Sometimes Lori-logic prevails.  And sometimes it just is what it is.

3. In relation to blogs….are you a never commenter, a sometimes commenter, an almost always commenter or a direct emailer kinda person?

Lately I've been a rarely commenter.  In the past I've been an almost always commenter.  Sometimes I email - but ironically, I've only ever had two people spontaneously email me.  Me and my commenting here lately need work.  I want my peeps to know I care and I don't know that I'm sending that message as loudly as I feel it.

4. If life was a flavor – would it be savory, sweet or sour?

Hmmm...depends on the time of day - or the phase of life.  Sometimes sour is precisely in order.  I love sour...favorite deserts and treats for me are always sour and there's something oh-so-refreshing about a perfectly tart key lime pie.  But other times, I'd have to go with savory.  Piques your interest in just a way to always make you want more.

5. Repeat question. Summarize your week in life or in blogland.

Week - started out awesome with a trip to my alma mater for recruiting.  Finished out with heart break with the news of my uncle.

Blogland - same.  Started out strong and am now, personally, finding it hard to hear all about the trip I had to cancel for various reasons.  I'm pretty sad that I can't go....

09/16/10: Thousand Word Thursday

This week's topic is:

"Your favorite piece of jewelry. (And if you are like me, you can post more than one.) And why it's your favorite!"
 
So...I have two.  They are both rings. 
 
One is my college alma mater's "class ring".  I say "class ring" as it is the same design that's been used since 1899 and the only thing that is different about each ring is the year of graduation, which is in the crest, and the name inscribed, which is inside the band.  I have been all over the world and no matter where I am, where I've been, how far away from Texas I am...another Aggie can spot the glittering gold from across the room and it's an automatic beckoning to begin conversation.  This ring has made me friends (and enemies, ask any Longhorn), has gotten me jobs, has made me the butt of jokes, and has even made some people green with envy.  Through it all, the ring reminds me of how far I've come as a person.  Who I was before A&M, who I was while I was at A&M and who I am now.  To me, it's a representation of the journey of my life.  Add to it all, my mom bought it for me as a graduation gift.
 
The other, the way-oh-so-much-more important, is my wedding set.    My husband is my everything, my best friend, my greatest ally, my favorite person, my greatest supporter, the one person on this planet who finds it necessary and easy to love me - the one person on this planet that I feel exactly the same way about.  The rings on my finger remind me, also, of where we've been and where we think we are going.  No matter where we are going or how we get there, being together has made me a gazillion times better than I ever could have imagined.  Our journey together, so far, has been far more than I ever could have imagined possible with the best best friend and the most loving husband ever!
 
My rings never leave my fingers.  The rings I wear every day are my absolute favorite pieces.

I also have a large solitary black pearl that I bought in Moorea (French Polynesia).  It is real, not cultured, it is gorgeous, it is beautiful.  It is also incredibly nerve wracking to wear.

So today is Thursday.  If you'd asked me yesterday, I'd have said I was looking forward to it.  But...eh.  I seem to found myself a cold and all I can say is ugh.  It occurred to me this morning that this is the first cold I am experiencing with the band and it's true what they say, the drainage really changes the band.  I have been filling up fast when I attempt to eat.  Not getting stuck...but I'm full on less than half of my normal banded-size meal.  That's crazy.  It reminds me of post surgery, actually, when I was easing back onto food.  I could eat a meal and I'd serve up my four ounces and take a bite and wait to see what was going on.  And usually half way through eating my plate of little bites that got chewed a lot I'd get the full signal...even though two ounces still remained on my plate.  That's what I'm experiencing today.  Was not aware that was the case as I ate lunch...so...um...but...tomorrow...I may very well take better advantage of this!

In other news, sadly, my uncle, the one that gave me away at my wedding, was diagnosed with lung cancer.  They did a biopsy/surgery today - biopsy to see what was what and surgery to possibly do a lung resection if that looked like a good possibility.  And it wasn't.  So, as my aunt is saying, "plan B is in effect" which is essentially to make him comfortable.  Heart breaking.  Absolutely heart braking.  We are still waiting on more news but my aunt is getting him settled in at home after the surgery that he did undergo.

Not much else going on with me.  Ready for a weekend, that's for sure!

I hope everyone had a better Thursday than I did.

09/15/10: If this, then that...

Good Morning.  No.  Wait.  Good Afternoon.  No.  Wait.  Argh.  Good DAY!

It is Wednesday.  For that I am appreciative.  I will be even more appreciative when the statement "It is Thursday" is true.  I will be even more appreciative, still, when the statement "It is Friday" is true.

Can you tell how busy I am?

Yesterday was an awesome day.  I was invited to go with company recruiters to my alma mater to recruit at the career fair.  I think I work at an excellent company and I think I attended a fantastic school.  So to be able to pay it back and forward, too, was just awesome.  My company had lines the entire day.  There were about ten of us volunteer/recruiters answering questions, giving info on the company and accepting resumes and each of us talked to, in the ballpark of, one hundred students a piece.  That was remarkable to me because most other potential employers were never experiencing lines, let alone collecting over a thousand resumes.  Most of the students that I talked to already had a good understanding of what my company does and while I could give real life input on what it's like to work here, I didn't have to explain much about our purpose.  It was a pretty awesome day.  I am biased, though; any day on that campus is an awesome day, to me.

Monday I went up to the city where my campus resides and went out to dinner with the other recruiters and volunteers.  We had a great meal at a fancy schmancy restaurant and we had great conversation the entire time.  I found it pretty funny, apparently I have REALLY slowed down on my eating.  The other folks all had finished, had their plates removed, were chomping at the bit for coffee and desert and I was just starting on my veggies.  I ate four whole shrimp and it took me longer to eat them than it took the other guests to eat their steaks, (or lamb chops or fish) potatoes, and veggies.  (Two people got fish and it was the largest piece of fish I'd ever seen!  It was insanely huge as were the lamb chops as was the steak as was everything else.)

Over the weekend...it was a football fest.  I can say with the Texans win on Sunday that I am now getting the football bug, finally.  It was a good game to watch, it was exciting to come out of the gate with a win over a notable team, and it just kind of made me say "finally".  The Texans have started out losing since their inception...

We had people over all day Sunday for football and swimming.  I LOVE BEING IN MY POOL AGAIN!

We also had people over all evening Saturday for football.  We spent a good part of the afternoon at a neighbor's house watching her husband's alma mater (Georgia) get their arses spanked.  It was really just great to be with the neighbor and her daughter.  We all went out to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants and that was awesome.  And then back to our house for more football, this time, my hubby's alma mater (Texas Tech).

And that's all I've got.  Life is good.  Football is here.  Cooler weather is probably around some corner down some back alley and then around some other corner...but it's getting closer.  I can smell it out there somewhere in the distance.  And the pool is being swum in!  Life is good!  I can't wait for this weekend to arrive...

I hope everyone is having a great week!

BYOC

1. If a major newspaper wrote an article about you today, what would the headline be?

Local Girl has profound moment of happiness when told of cyst



2. Name one thing you like about being an adult.

Options.  (i.e. choices but Drazil already took that one and I can only copy so much!)  When I was a kid I can't tell you how many times I heard "Because I said so" when I asked my mom if I could have something, do something, borrow something, lend something, whatever.  Now...It's because I say so that I choose things.  (Or my husband.  He gets a say, too.  Equal, even...)


3. What was your favorite Saturday morning cartoon when you were a kid?

I always hated cartoons as a kid.  Can you believe that?  In recent years I've decided they have humor.  But as a kid, I didn't appreciate having to watch tv that was dumbed down and uninspired.  That was how I saw 'em back then.  I know, now, that it's not entirely true; don't really think that anymore.

I just wanted to watch real tv with real people along side the real people.  And I was one of those kids with time limits, anyway.  I got half an hour a day.  Yes, I could take a half hour off this day and put it on that day....so long as at the end of the week, it was three and a half hours...but I certainly wasn't going to waste my time on goofy cartoons when there was The Brady Bunch and Silver Spoons and The Facts of Life and Dukes of Hazard and...

On the rare occasion that I was at a friends house and I literally had to watch a cartoon...the only one that ever appealed to me was Rocky and Bullwinkle.  Usually I was able to talk my friends out of cartoon watching and could get them to go outside where I really preferred to be.


4. When is the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt about them?

I tell my husband every day.  It's never planned, it's never in the same place or at the same time.  But somehow, every day, an "I love you because...." comes up.  Or some spontaneous "I love you" which is met with a why which is met with babytalk that would drive you insane.  Enough so that one of our best friends is constantly saying "I don't know if I hate you two right now because you're so stupid or if I'm jealous".

I have always been able to tell people what I think...honestly.  My mom told me that I was brutally honest and even with a word like brutal in there, she admired that, she said.  No one doubts if they are in my good graces or not.  And I don't mince words.  I think I've learned, over the years, to tone my brutal-ness down.


5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in life and in blogland.
 
Week in life.  Good.  I am just so content right now.  Content with my journey, content with my progress, content with my husband, content with my sanity.  I reek content.  I love it.
 
Week in blogland...much improved.  I'm back.  Courtesy of work not working for a couple days in a row, I've had more time to blog and to even work some on my catching up.  And it feels good.
 

09/10/10: YAY!

Well before I tell you the yay news, I gotta tell the story.

So, to get you on the same page so that you know what story this is, I went to see my surgeon today regarding my incision wound.  So this is about that.

For starters, wouldn't you know it...but the wound looks better today than it has for a couple of weeks.  NOTHING at all like it did on Weds, Weds being the day I decided I really did need to go in and see someone again about this.

On the way to work via the appt with the surgeon, I showed it to my hubby.  And we both agreed that while this thing didn't look worrisome this morning, the fact that there is anything at all there after five months is enough to worry about.

So I get there.  And I sit and I sit and I sit.  And then I sit some more.  And then I sat some more.  (like the tense change?)  I then I sat even longer.

At some point in all that sitting, I did get called back for my weight and blood pressure check.  Weight was down two pounds even though according to my own tracking it's only down one AND I was wearing much heavier clothes today than I did last time I was there (jeans, blouse, heavier bulkier shoes today as opposed to shorts, tank top and flip flops last time).  And blood pressure is holding steady at "very low".

Yay me!

Whatever.

Anywho...after all that sitting and waiting I notice all these people come out with their pre-op folders in hand.  So class is over.  And then my surgeon comes out and heads for a break.  A few people had a few questions for him so they sat and waited.  He comes out from the break and answers the individual questions one by one.

And then finally, the waiting room is back to those of us that had been waiting for him since 9:15.  I was the first 9:15 to arrive...

But one guy goes back.  I'm assuming it was a post-op follow up because he went to the office side of things.  He was done quick.

And then another lady goes back.  I'm assuming same thing.

And then she leaves.

And then surgeon comes out.  And as he is walking by me, he sits down and whispers "how much is it so far?"  I said "55 pounds".  And he said "no, that's it?  You look amazing!  You are doing incredibly well!"

So I tell him about my unfill last month and how much I learned about me, my band, and me and my band with that process.  And he just beamed.  He said, "wow, I'm impressed that you've learned all this that fast.  Most people struggle with this for about a year."

And he wanders off.

And then the nurse comes for me.  And she takes me back and my RNP that I like so much meets me and walks in the room with me.

Now, she's the RNP that's seen this thing at it's worst, insofar as practitioners with this practice are concerned.  And so seeing it today, she'd know that it's better.  Much better.  That the concern, today, is that it exists at all.  I've been impressed with her when we've talked on the phone or in the hallways because she always has known my history without looking at my chart.  And then she'll go get my chart to make sure she's right.  She, like me, does not like what the other RNP told me last month.

So I show her this thing today.  And she says "you are definitely keeping it clean and healthy".  "But you are also definitely right, it should not be there."

So we talk briefly about how it's impacting my life and my decisions.  Swimming, exercise, baths, even whether I'm willing to use bubble bath or not.  And then my surgeon comes in.

I show it to him.

"It's fine".





GRRRRR.

"Really?", I say, "Even after five months?"

"Oh.  No.  That's not ok."

So he asks for a needle.  And my RNP goes to get the biggest thickest thing she can find.  And he has me lie down.  And he says:

"It's probably an inclusion cyst".

YAY ME!

It's something.  It's real!  At this...I'm excited.  No more "you must be diabetic because otherwise you'd have healed by now".  No more "it's you, it's not us, and it's not a fluke".  (RNP last month)

He goes on to explain to me what an inclusion cyst is.  In my case, a piece of the epithelial probably got caught in the interior sutures.  And that epithelial is not supposed to be there so everything is responding with irritation and aggravation.

Looking at it today, there's a chance it might actually be healing itself.  Although, historically, over the last five months, every time it looks like it's about to heal, it doesn't.  Something causes it to reopen or re-aggravate again.

So...if it's still there next month, he'll cut it out.  It's small enough that I won't be left with a bad scar, he thinks.  He actually said he thinks he can cut it out with no scar at all but I think there's bound to be something...

I did have to pin him down on the timeline, though.  He said, initially, if it's still there, we'll cut it out.

Ok, doc, give me a time frame.  When does worrisome start?  Are we saying six months?  Are we saying next week?  What?

That was when he said, lets go with next month.

He told me I can get back to my swimming and that I can get back to working my abs as hard as I like.  He told me to keep doing what I'm doing to keep it clean and healthy but other than that, don't let it interfere.

But yay me!

I LIKED my surgeon today!  I liked him A LOT!  We had great conversation.  I was able to say this is how I'm doing and this is how I'm doing it.  And he listened and he respected.  We talked about this, we talked about the nutso RNP last month who tried to put this on me and my purported ill-health.  We said nice things to the RNP I like who was there with us and who was the one that raised the flag back in July.  It was all good.

I left there feeling listened to and not diminished in any way, shape, or form.  I also left there feeling like this thing on my belly...it's days are numbered!  WE will beat this some way or another!

So, YAY!!!

As for Twilight...Man...Book four is so hard to put down!  I love this book the best.  I have 300 pages left and I figure that'll be knocked out tonight...since I knocked out 200 last night...and I actually had to go to sleep last night.

And yes, Harry Potter is way better!

I've been talking to colleague/friends about these books and yesterday they dumped on me that I have to read this and this and that and that and this and then that.  So they have my reading schedule penciled in for who knows how long.  What I need to know is if they are lending me these things or if I have to go acquire them myself.  Either way, their recommendations are being taken because we think the same things about Twilight, about Harry Potter, and about many other books we've discussed.  Seems we are getting our own little book club going at work!

So that's what I know.

I feel so YAY!

Funny, huh?  Yay.  I have a cyst.  Logic tells me this isn't necessarily a YAY thing.  I mean, it's not bad.  But it's not YAY, either.  It just is.  I think the YAY, though, is more for being heard, for being adamant that I'm not ok with this...and being heard.  I feel like they are on my side, now.  I also know, now to make sure I don't see that nutso RNP in the future.  I've not liked her anytime I've dealt with her.  So stop dealing with her, I say.  If I had listened to her back in the beginning, I would have walked away from the insurance requirements at month two and called myself a loser because 1) I didn't have sleep apnea, 2) I didn't have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or diabetes, and 3) I couldn't be self-pay.  She swore up and down I was wasting my time and theirs...

Yeah, I think when I go back in the future...I will make sure I do not see her...

But other than that....

YAY!!!