03/05/2013: History

I was writing an email to a friend today and I got to thinking of our history.  This friend and I email a lot and I save a lot of the emails we've written over the years.  I was kind of curious about how far back I have this email history for and it led me to a blog I posted 02/18/2011.  Man oh man did I need to read that!

I have been struggling lately with strength.  Things are not going very well for me at the moment.  And I worry on a daily, no, hourly basis about whether or not I have the strength to turn my current trials into positives.  My history, though, tells me that I will.  I will because I do.

I will because the alternative isn't an option.

Wow.

That does seem strong.

hmmm....

So what's going on?

My endo is back.  Back to ugly.  I guess it never went away, really.  Husby and I want to have another batch of kids.  I want to be pregnant.  I want another set of twins.  I want a girl.  More than anything, I want a bigger family.  Blue and Green give me strength when I feel like I can't take on anymore.  It's the weirdest thing.  For them, I fight.  Partly to be this person they think I am.  They think I can do it all.  I don't know why they think that.  No one else thinks that about me.  Except for Husby.  He seems to think I can do it all, too.  And it's probably because I try.  Take Valentine's Day.  You'd think with one year olds that Valentine's cards are not in the repertoire yet.  Yeah, that's wrong.  They had a party at school and needed cards for all the other kids.  So..you'd think this full time working mom with twin babies...she'd probably buy a box of cards, throw a name on the appropriate line and move on.  Yeah, that's wrong, too.  No, this mom made the cards.  I made home made finger paint - yeah, I made that.  I worked with the boys to EACH make 23 cards.  Classmates, teachers, family members - each other...23 cards each.  16 month old boys finger painting 46 cards was fun.

That was the inside of the card.  On the outside, I glued heart shaped doilies on the front and hot glued home made crayons onto that.  Home made in that I melted down crayon pieces into the shapes of hearts or stars. Blue had star shaped crayons while Green had heart shaped crayons.  It took me 5 days to make all of these cards.  For my 1 year old boys.  While I worked full time.  When I was done with that, I made home made sugar cookies.  Rolled them out and cut them into heart shapes.  I hand decorated each one with home made icing.  For my 1 year old boys' Valentine's Day party.  While I worked full time.

I'm nuts.  I do all that and I question whether I am strong?  What did the boys got in return?  A store bought card with their names written in the appropriate place with a package of rainbow goldfish stapled to the front from one, a store bought card with their names written in the appropriate place with a Hershey Kiss glued to the front from another .  Very appropriate and very sweet.  Very not time consuming.

Why do I not just do that?

I don't feel good.  The endo is back.  I am back to working with doc-specialist and another surgery is looming in my future, sooner than I would like, probably, but I don't know when.  Husby still has to deal with his cancer.  Hopefully the boys are in a good place, they got tubes in their ears a couple weeks ago and hopefully ear infections are a thing of the past.

Through it all my employer is not happy with me.  Having to take time off for sick kids, having to take time off for my own personal health issues, having to take time off for my husband's health issues...my employer is beginning to wonder why I am employed.  And rightfully so.  I am not dependable at the moment.  "Will she work 5 days this week?" is a standard question.  Not being able to depend on a team member means they can't actually assign work to me "expecting" it to be completed in whatever the allotted time may be.  I feel like I am dancing on thin ice with my job but this just seems to be my life at the moment.  My boys health, my husband's health, my health - it all comes first.  Everyone agrees with me there.  But how much should they have to put up with?  Every one of my team mates have to accommodate for what's going on in my life.  How much should they have to put up with?

Husby and I want to be pregnant.  Getting pregnant *should* get me relief from the endo for awhile.  If we could get me pregnant maybe I could get back to dependable.  If we could get me pregnant, we could finish his cancer treatment.  We can't seem to get pregnant.  

The idea of not having anymore kids is downright depressing.  Depressed on top of stressed on top of in pain...and I'm making home made Valentine's Day cards?  I'm wondering if I am strong, if I can handle this, how I can move forward?

Really, Lori?

Something's gotta give.  That I know.  But it better not be my strength.  No...my strength better be the one thing I can continue to rely on.  And if history is any indication...I should be able to get through this.

I guess that's the thing.  When life's trials have been thrown at me, the outcome, whether it was the desired outcome or not - has always been what's best for me.  In the past, as I've gone through life's trials I would stress the outcome.  In my younger years, I always felt like that was what I needed to worry about, that worrying about it would drive it "the right way".  I've learned, though, that's not true.  The outcome is whatever it will be.  Whatever it will be may or may not match up with what I want.  But in hindsight...it's always been what I needed.  This set of trials...I'm not stressing the outcome. 

 I.  Just want.  To.  Get there. 

I want this behind me.  I want to be moving forward - however that needs to be.  I want my endo to leave me alone, my husband's cancer gone, and my boys only dealing with the expected and typical one year old colds and bugs.  I want to know their hearing is unscathed, that Husby survives, and that I am pain free.  I'd love it best if all that happens AND I still have a job.  With this company.  With more babies in our house.

Whatever will be will be.  But can't I have a look in that magic crystal ball and see where I'm going?  Just please?  Once?  Can I just not be strong and just get that answer and move on?

History tells me no....

02/06/2013: Howdy

Howdy.  How's it going?  Not too bad here.  Busy.  But aren't we all?

I really have nothing going on.  It's hard to write when nothing's doing.  And nothing's doing, other than having two-16 month old boys.  Nothing's doing other than working too much, spending too many hours each week commuting, getting ready for Husby to start traveling with his job, much too much, and pursuing a promotion that seemingly just keeps getting farther and farther from my reach.

So how about them boys.  That sure is a bright spot in my life.  And they sure are up to some funny stuff these days.

So here's a funny story for ya. Somehow or another they've learned that reaching for things like a roll of toilet paper seems to get them in trouble.  So, end of last week, Husby and I noticed that they are walking around with their hands behind their backs with their hands clasped.  It's pretty cute, actually.  And it definitely is saving us from taking things away from them or finding a newer and greater way to say no without actually saying the word "no" which tends to get over-used at this stage.  Where they got it from, though, we have no idea.  We didn't teach it.  Daycare didn't teach it.  But both Blue AND Green are doing it.

And that's leading to other funny stories.  Blue followed me in the bathroom, Saturday, as I was cleaning getting ready for our party for the watching of the superbowl.  He was standing in front of the cupboard below the sink just willing the cupboard doors to open.  He's always loved that cupboard more than the other in there for who knows what reason.  We have not put any cupboard locks up because I tend to hate those things.  In our kitchen we are using rubber bands to mostly restrict being able to open the cupboards.  And in the bathrooms, well, we just close the door to keep them out of there.  But there he is, in the bathroom with me.  Standing before that wonderful cupboard willing it to open. It just would.  not.  open, though.  No matter how hard he willed it. I could see it in his eyes that he just wanted to look.  And he was almost devastated that these cupboard doors weren't bowing to his will.  So I did the nice mom thing and I opened the cupboard doors for him.  Oh how the smile spread across his face.  Hands still firmly clasped behind his back, though, he just wanted to see.  He stood there smiling and looking for a couple minutes.

And then he started to weaken.  His little hands unclasped.  But they stayed behind his back.  And he just kept smiling.  He would look at me then back at the cupboard.  And then he would laugh.  Look back at me, back at the cupboard, and laugh again.  And finally, his little hands fell to his sides.  He knew he was losing his will-power at that point.  He started laughing even harder.

So cute.  The whole thing was just so cute.  And all told, this whole thing lasted about 5 minutes.

So there he is, laughing, with his hands now at his sides.  He couldn't stand it anymore.  His little right hand reached out to get something out of the cupboard.  All we have in there are rolls of toilet paper, an old shower head that has been replaced, and a soap dish that has no soap for it since we use liquid nowadays.  So nothing that he really can't have, although I'd prefer he leave the toilet paper alone.  But with his right hand reaching out, and directly in front of him at shoulder height, it suddenly stopped.  It was like where the closed cupboard doors should have been created a barrier he just couldn't reach past.  His little hand stayed frozen there in front of him for a whole minute not quite able to finish reaching into that cupboard.  And then suddenly, after a minute of this, he bursts out laughing again, and the hands reach behind his little back and reclasp themselves together.

With that, he was done and he turned and walked himself out of the bathroom.

Husby and I want to know where this came from.  I noticed Blue doing it at the end of last week but Green didn't seem to be doing it so much.  But now...Green is definitely doing it, too.  It's just too funny!

But those are the kinds of things we are up to.  Not much, really.  Just lots of fun and lots of laughter in our house.

One last story.  One of Husby and I's favorite sounds is our boys laughing.  It's sooo easy to get them laughing.  All we have to do is laugh at them.  And they will always laugh back.  We can just make a laugh noise, not a real laugh, and that will get them laughing, which in turn gets us laughing for real.  We have these little laugh fests quite frequently.  In all my days as a daycare "teacher" in the room with 6 week to 18 month old babies I have never come across a baby who would laugh just because he is hearing laughter.  All the other kids would look at me like I was nuts (yes, they were onto something).  But these guys...they just love to laugh.

So that's all I got for now.

I hope everyone is having a great 2013.  We are, so far.  So much better than last year, so far.  As with last year, the boys are our bright spot.  Luckily, Husby and I are feeling better, too.  It's nice to have energy for keeping up with these energetic boys!

Finally, I hope everyone is having a great week.  Again, we are.  Saturday is the 6 year anniversary of the day Husby and I met.  I can't believe I've only known him for 6 years.  How my life has changed in these 6 years...seems like it's impossible that it's all been crammed into 6 years.  What wonderful changes they've all been, though!  I can't imagine what the next 6 years will hold for us - but luckily, I'm not worried about that, I'm just having so much fun with the "now"!  All I know is we'll be together.

01/18/2013: New thinking

I've been a hot whiny mess for too damned long.

There's my intro.

Good God but last year kinda sorta really sucked, in regards to me, myself, and I.  But then...it didn't.  It's so weird.  In reflection, it's just so weird.  I'm just so baffled.  I bet you want to know what the bleep I'm talking about.  So here's a kinda bare all for where I am today, right now, this week, this month.  And all I can say - is it feels so much better to be back to here.

To wrap up last year - I whined about endometriosis left and right.  I was a horrible employee.  I was an absent friend.  I was a lot of not great things.  The one thing - one thing - I did not slack on was being a mom.  For that I can only thank God.  But good Lord how awful was I last year.  It's been this weird sort of evolution to wake up and realize that.

Earlier this week I was home sick with the flu.  The boys got it.  I got it.  The boys got a flu shot this season. I did not.  We all got it.  Dad also got a flu shot.  He did not get it.  But the rest of us...we got it.

Even home sick with the flu for 4 days...I still feel a gazillion times better than I ever did last year.  At least past Feb 26th.

What pain will do to ya.  I tell ya.  It sucks.  What I knew then...sucks.  What I know now?  Oh God...

Feb 26th was that magical day that changed it all.  I woke up with the boys at 5 am and all was fine.  I still had my getting over a pregnancy stuff, which really isn't that big of a thing, but it's something, it does need to be said.  No, the babies don't come out and then you're suddenly back to being you.  Nothing was predictable.  It's only really just starting to get back to being predictable - and the boys are now 15 months old.  I'd heard time and again it takes 2 years to get back to "normal" and "normal" is probably different.  And here I am...

But Feb 26th was that magical day that changed it all, just like I said.  After that 5 am feeding, we all went back to bed.  When we awoke again at 9 am...all badness.  And it stayed badness for a very long time. In fact, it got worse.  And worse.  And worse.  It was a nightmare, really.  And when I'd think it couldn't get worse - then it would.  That went on pretty much all year.

But then...in November...periodically I would have a day here or there where I didn't need anything for pain. The first day that happened was a Saturday and it was a cool night and we had a fire in our firepit and sat around with friends drinking beers after the boys went down and I realized I could have that beer because I hadn't taken any pain meds in over 30 hours.  Holy cow!

I started to pay more attention.  But then the pain seemed to come right back with that increased attention.  And then I realized just how much mindset matters.  So I changed my mind.  I put the pain to the rear.

By December I was going for weeks without pain meds.  Two instances a month where they help...but there is no longer that ugh feeling about this pain.

And now today...it's just different.

This week when I came back to work I got some horrible news about the possible progression of my career.  But for the first time since before getting pregnant I could succinctly and articulately (and logically) argue why their thinking was flawed.  And they listened and they heard and they acknowledged - and they even agreed.  Holy cow.

I know why they thought what they did.  They knew the pre-pregnancy me to not be the me I was all last year.  They wanted to support that pre-pregnancy person, not the endometriosis fighting person.

But that sentence right there says it all.  You cannot fight endometriosis.  You can't.  It is not a battle.  It is something to accept.  Acceptance changes everything.  Perspective is everything.  I have no idea where my battle will take me or what the end result will eventually be.  But I know fighting it doesn't help me.  And as I've moved from that fight back to my normal accepting self, well good golly miss molly, look who's showing back up!  Yep.  Me!

Part of last year was learning that I am now a bad blogger.  I don't blog frequently.  I don't read blogs much anymore.  Only when I hear word from friends about something I should see.  And I have to admit, blogging is something that has changed about me and to know I'm what I consider a bad blogger doesn't make me proud of myself.  When I came back to blogging after bedrest, my heart was no longer there.  And as time has gone on, I just am not seeing it coming back.  This community has evolved.  I have evolved.  The two evolutions have diverged.  I don't hate that anymore.  I took it personal for a long time.  I realize now, it's not personal.  You get what you give, is part of that.  But it's not personal.  No one, well, very few, have a vendetta against me.  No one wishes me pain or harm.  The people I have connected with in real life - they are still there.  I am soooo much better off because of this blog, both for the people I have connections with as well as for the people I once did but maybe don't anymore.  I can't take this blog down.  I do think there are things that people might learn from here.  And more importantly, to me, my blog is aptly titled "A Journey to Embrace".  Once upon a time I thought it was a journey about weightloss, about what it would take to get "there".  It isn't though.  It's the journey of life.  And writing, even if only periodically, about my journey helps me.  A lot.

My husband gave me a gift at Christmas.  It's a mirror, just a little six inch square mirror.  The frame around it makes it an 18 in square thing, though.  And the frame says  "Life isn't about learning how to avoid the storm.  It's about learning how to have fun dancing in the puddles".  He always says he doesn't know how I do it.  How I've been through what I've been through and yet am hardly ever not smiling.  He doesn't know where I find my strength or how I always manage to find beauty in even the most horrific of events.  It's just perspective.  And maybe I'm slow...but I do know...I will eventually find me some of that perspective stuff that just may help me get through yet another ordeal.  He thinks that mirror embodies me.  Not because I need to learn how to have fun dancing in puddles.  But because that's what I teach everyone around me.

I tell you what.  It's really really nice to have someone thinking great things about me in my corner!

2013 will be a great year.  I know it will. I can just feel it.  I can't say I felt that of 2012.  I was honestly scared of 2012.  And it revolved around having no idea if I could keep my twins alive let alone safe and thriving.  I guess part of my struggle last year was working towards realizing that they know what they need and it's just on me to take care of that.  As long as I listen, I can.  They know when they want food, water, sleep, etc.  I just need to listen and provide.  Go with the flow, adapt, move on to the next thing.  Listen.

It's amazing.  If I listen to myself...if I listen to my husband...if I listen to my boys...if I listen to my friends...if I listen to my family...if I listen to my employer...if I listen....I can figure it out.  Last year was a year of not listening well enough.  And this year, I know, I'm back to listening.

So here's to turning corners and embracing my "new" thinking.

Have a wonderful weekend y'all!!