01/18/2013: New thinking

I've been a hot whiny mess for too damned long.

There's my intro.

Good God but last year kinda sorta really sucked, in regards to me, myself, and I.  But then...it didn't.  It's so weird.  In reflection, it's just so weird.  I'm just so baffled.  I bet you want to know what the bleep I'm talking about.  So here's a kinda bare all for where I am today, right now, this week, this month.  And all I can say - is it feels so much better to be back to here.

To wrap up last year - I whined about endometriosis left and right.  I was a horrible employee.  I was an absent friend.  I was a lot of not great things.  The one thing - one thing - I did not slack on was being a mom.  For that I can only thank God.  But good Lord how awful was I last year.  It's been this weird sort of evolution to wake up and realize that.

Earlier this week I was home sick with the flu.  The boys got it.  I got it.  The boys got a flu shot this season. I did not.  We all got it.  Dad also got a flu shot.  He did not get it.  But the rest of us...we got it.

Even home sick with the flu for 4 days...I still feel a gazillion times better than I ever did last year.  At least past Feb 26th.

What pain will do to ya.  I tell ya.  It sucks.  What I knew then...sucks.  What I know now?  Oh God...

Feb 26th was that magical day that changed it all.  I woke up with the boys at 5 am and all was fine.  I still had my getting over a pregnancy stuff, which really isn't that big of a thing, but it's something, it does need to be said.  No, the babies don't come out and then you're suddenly back to being you.  Nothing was predictable.  It's only really just starting to get back to being predictable - and the boys are now 15 months old.  I'd heard time and again it takes 2 years to get back to "normal" and "normal" is probably different.  And here I am...

But Feb 26th was that magical day that changed it all, just like I said.  After that 5 am feeding, we all went back to bed.  When we awoke again at 9 am...all badness.  And it stayed badness for a very long time. In fact, it got worse.  And worse.  And worse.  It was a nightmare, really.  And when I'd think it couldn't get worse - then it would.  That went on pretty much all year.

But then...in November...periodically I would have a day here or there where I didn't need anything for pain. The first day that happened was a Saturday and it was a cool night and we had a fire in our firepit and sat around with friends drinking beers after the boys went down and I realized I could have that beer because I hadn't taken any pain meds in over 30 hours.  Holy cow!

I started to pay more attention.  But then the pain seemed to come right back with that increased attention.  And then I realized just how much mindset matters.  So I changed my mind.  I put the pain to the rear.

By December I was going for weeks without pain meds.  Two instances a month where they help...but there is no longer that ugh feeling about this pain.

And now today...it's just different.

This week when I came back to work I got some horrible news about the possible progression of my career.  But for the first time since before getting pregnant I could succinctly and articulately (and logically) argue why their thinking was flawed.  And they listened and they heard and they acknowledged - and they even agreed.  Holy cow.

I know why they thought what they did.  They knew the pre-pregnancy me to not be the me I was all last year.  They wanted to support that pre-pregnancy person, not the endometriosis fighting person.

But that sentence right there says it all.  You cannot fight endometriosis.  You can't.  It is not a battle.  It is something to accept.  Acceptance changes everything.  Perspective is everything.  I have no idea where my battle will take me or what the end result will eventually be.  But I know fighting it doesn't help me.  And as I've moved from that fight back to my normal accepting self, well good golly miss molly, look who's showing back up!  Yep.  Me!

Part of last year was learning that I am now a bad blogger.  I don't blog frequently.  I don't read blogs much anymore.  Only when I hear word from friends about something I should see.  And I have to admit, blogging is something that has changed about me and to know I'm what I consider a bad blogger doesn't make me proud of myself.  When I came back to blogging after bedrest, my heart was no longer there.  And as time has gone on, I just am not seeing it coming back.  This community has evolved.  I have evolved.  The two evolutions have diverged.  I don't hate that anymore.  I took it personal for a long time.  I realize now, it's not personal.  You get what you give, is part of that.  But it's not personal.  No one, well, very few, have a vendetta against me.  No one wishes me pain or harm.  The people I have connected with in real life - they are still there.  I am soooo much better off because of this blog, both for the people I have connections with as well as for the people I once did but maybe don't anymore.  I can't take this blog down.  I do think there are things that people might learn from here.  And more importantly, to me, my blog is aptly titled "A Journey to Embrace".  Once upon a time I thought it was a journey about weightloss, about what it would take to get "there".  It isn't though.  It's the journey of life.  And writing, even if only periodically, about my journey helps me.  A lot.

My husband gave me a gift at Christmas.  It's a mirror, just a little six inch square mirror.  The frame around it makes it an 18 in square thing, though.  And the frame says  "Life isn't about learning how to avoid the storm.  It's about learning how to have fun dancing in the puddles".  He always says he doesn't know how I do it.  How I've been through what I've been through and yet am hardly ever not smiling.  He doesn't know where I find my strength or how I always manage to find beauty in even the most horrific of events.  It's just perspective.  And maybe I'm slow...but I do know...I will eventually find me some of that perspective stuff that just may help me get through yet another ordeal.  He thinks that mirror embodies me.  Not because I need to learn how to have fun dancing in puddles.  But because that's what I teach everyone around me.

I tell you what.  It's really really nice to have someone thinking great things about me in my corner!

2013 will be a great year.  I know it will. I can just feel it.  I can't say I felt that of 2012.  I was honestly scared of 2012.  And it revolved around having no idea if I could keep my twins alive let alone safe and thriving.  I guess part of my struggle last year was working towards realizing that they know what they need and it's just on me to take care of that.  As long as I listen, I can.  They know when they want food, water, sleep, etc.  I just need to listen and provide.  Go with the flow, adapt, move on to the next thing.  Listen.

It's amazing.  If I listen to myself...if I listen to my husband...if I listen to my boys...if I listen to my friends...if I listen to my family...if I listen to my employer...if I listen....I can figure it out.  Last year was a year of not listening well enough.  And this year, I know, I'm back to listening.

So here's to turning corners and embracing my "new" thinking.

Have a wonderful weekend y'all!!