08/24/10: Next

I tried to post this yesterday and I had that nagging problem of having to work at work.  So here I am, today, tonight, in fact, at home, trying again.  I suspect my days of reading blogs and blogging at work may very well be over.  C'est la vie!

So...the point of the blog was to say nevermind.  :)

All weekend the "infection" got better and better.  It's not healed but it's nearly almost healed and it looks just fine.

I had started applying bacitracin after last Tues' appt.  And just like the neosporin, that gave me an allergic reactiion.  Tis odd as I've never been allergic to either in the past, but again, c'est la vie.  Who knows...it is what it is.

Well...in efforts to counteract what was going on with the allergic reaction to the bacitracin, I started applying benzylalkonium chloride.  No, there is nothing that says that this should help - it just helped my brain.

But it worked.  I mean, well...the allergic reaction cleared up on it's own.  But the benzylalkonium chloride made a world of difference on the "spot".  By Sunday, the spot was a speck.

It's not gone, it's not done and it needs to be watched closely.  But it looks just fine and I'm feeling a gazillion times better about it.

In efforts to help it to continue to heal, I am not going to do the things that generally make it mad again - like swim (grrrrrrrr) and situps.  No swimming just makes me sad sad sad.  But situps - 'eh!  There are so many other things I can do for my abs that are better all around for the whole core, so I'm not worried about those.  Just means I have to change gears a bit.

Husband is pleased with the looks, too.  So we have decided to keep on trying.

In other news, I canceled my appt that I had for this morning to 1) get my 0.2cc's back (or more) and 2) to have this "infection" looked at again.

(Yes, it's very annoying to have this spot/speck still there four months + after surgery.  But it is what it is.  And I'm watching it closely.)

And finally...ummm...not much of anything with me.  Still eating and enjoying my refound capabilities in doing so.  I am eating SO MUCH better now that I am not struggling to eat.  I wish I hadn't spent so much time trying to convince myself that it was me.  I think, though, maybe, that it might be something we have to go through.  I learned a lot about the band and my relationship with the band.

Still weightlifting. 

Finally took my 50 pound pictures this weekend.  Here they are...

Hmmm...what else.

How 'bout a measurement comparison...

(click on the picture of the data to see a readable version)

Off to do some reading...

I hope y'all are having a great week!

08/20/10: So I'm kinda sad now...

I was lieing in bed last night looking at this infected thing on my belly and I was thinking about what it might take to get it fixed.  I have done a course of antibiotics and while that mostly worked, it was almost all healed up by the time the ten day course was done, it didn't completely work.  I'm not sure if my quack surgeon scraping the scab off and then digging around with wood inside the wound screwed it up.  Or if the antibiotics just weren't strong enough.

They gave me clindamycin.

So here I am, a month later, with this thing looking awful.  It itches like crazy and it's red and bumpy and protruding.  I don't want to swim because I don't want it in the water.  I'm even scared of situps or really, any ab work now as that seems to aggravate it as well.

It's impacting my life.  I suspect it could also explain my lethargy and my just general malaise that just seems to be getting worse.

I'd like to think that another course of a stronger antibiotic might fix it.

But I'm scared to think of what happens if antibiotics continue to not work.

I had surgery over four months ago.  And NO, I AM NOT DIABETIC.

Danged nurse...

But here I was, last night, lieing in bed, thinking about hubby and I TTC (trying to conceive, if you didn't know).  And then I realize...what if this infection doesn't go away?  What if I get pregnant and I can't take an appropriate antibiotic because the antibiotic is unsafe for the baby?  What if I get pregnant and this infection causes problems for the baby because I can't deal with the infection because I'm pregnant?  What if what if what if.

But suffice it to say, how ridiculously horrible would it be for me to purposefully get pregnant (if I'm so lucky) while knowing I have this infection that has to be dealt with?  I know that some antibiotics are not safe for growing babies.  I know that if worse comes to worst and the port is infected and it has to be removed, that won't be an option, while pregnant, either.  I also can't imagine that walking around with an infection for nine months more is good, either.

So this morning I talked to hubby.  And while our chance for this month isn't past, we are going to talk to my RNP next Tues to see what she does/thinks/says.  I am going to ask for either of the other two RNP's than the one I saw this past Tues.  I am hoping I can see the one that gave me the clindamycin in the first place.  She is aware of what this thing has been doing.  And if she's not there, I'll ask for the RNP that did my 6-month consult stuff.  I absolutely will not see the lady I saw this Tues.  NO, I AM NOT FRIGGIN DIABETIC nor have I ever even been close.  Something else is going on here, don't blame this on me. 

If no one will help me on Tues, then I'll go see my PCP.  I know Dr.'s don't tend to like to clean up other Dr.'s crap, but four months and counting is too danged long!

So our TTC efforts are back on hold.  That just kinda makes me sad.  (read, 'like a lot')   I'm not getting any younger....

08/19/20: So fills are not all they are cracked up to be...

Do you want to be so restricted you can barely eat?  Is that why you got the band? 

Or do you want to have a feedback mechanism reminding you you don't need that other half a cup of food?

I think it's an interesting question, honestly.  I read a lot of blogs and it seems like people generally want restriction, want to be able to barely eat, want to even be limited in what they can eat.

That's not me.  And now I know why.

I learned something with the fill that was too much.

My clinic does surgery and starts you out with a fill.  The fill you get depends, supposedly, on how you did with the pre-op diet.  If it looked like you were serious and they thought you could handle a big fill, you got one.  If it looked like you were not serious, they worried a big fill might cause you problems, and so either it wasn't filled at all or it was slight.

Four weeks after surgery, you get your first fill.  At this clinic.  It's a pretty generous fill.

Two weeks later you are welcome to come in for a second fill.   It's also pretty generous.

Two to four weeks later you are welcome to come in for a third fill.  It is not so generous as, presumably, at this point, you should be getting to restriction.

Following the third fill, they stop recommending a time frame and tell you to pay attention to yourself.

So, for me, this translated to 1cc at surgery.  The surgeon told my hubby that I literally could not handle any more than that as my stomach would have been closed off.  My first fill was 1.5cc's.  And it changed my restriction quite a bit but slid back again pretty quickly.  My second fill, two weeks later, was 1.2cc's.  It changed my restriction quite a bit and was just starting to slide back when I went in for my third fill.  My third fill was 0.7cc's.  And IT CHANGED EVERYTHING.

Between fill #2 and #3, I started having to take foods off my eatable list.  Steak, pork, hamburger, lamb, shrimp, crab, lobster.  Yep.  I could eat chicken and fish.  And with chicken, it really did depend on how it was cooked.

Between fill #2 and #3, I had to take off potatoes - although I kept trying because mashed taters seemed like they should be ok.  I had to take off broccoli and asparagus.  I had to take off a whole gaggle of healthy things.

What I did, to keep calories reasonable (FOR ME at 900) was eat sliders.  Crackers, ice cream, chocolate, sesame sticks, and more bad stuff.

What was interesting to me was because I could not get protein in with ease, I had to turn to something.  And the something would stifle the beast momentarily, but it didn't keep me satisfied for long.  My calorie counts were still down, but it felt like I was always hungry.  And the stuff I was turning to, the sliders, were things I don't normally gravitate to...ever.  Not even when I was at my fatest and I ate and ate and ate...I still did not want ice cream or chocolate.  I DO NOT LIKE THE STUFF.

But I was.  I COULD NOT EAT.

So she took 0.2cc's out on Tues.  And to be honest, I think she could take more out next week again.  Maybe another 0.1, if not another 0.2cc's.

Because here I am...with less restriction...and I can eat. I can make my reasonable realistic choices and I CAN EAT them!  I can get my protein in and I'm satisfied.  I can get my protein in while it's hot and I don't feel the need to munch again in two hours.

I am not of the mindset that I want to be restricted.  I don't.  I want feedback.  But I also want freedom.  I trust myself, now, to make the better choice most of the time. 

She told me, as she was taking out the 0.2cc's that I'd probably want them back soon, probably next week.

Today, so far, two days later, I can say...."NOPE".  I do not want them back, as it stands right now.  I can eat.  I am satisfied.  So I'm eating less.  My stomach is no longer growling at me within two hours of eating "a meal".  My head is happy that what I wanted to eat was edible.

And I'm still restricted.  Still have to eat slow, still have to chew chew chew, still have to take tiny bites.  It's still there.  But it's just enough that I am where I want to be, getting feedback with freedom. 

Fills are a funny thing.  I used to be of the mindset that if you thought you needed one, then you probably did.  Now...now I think...if you aren't absolutely sure, then you probably don't.  If I'd listened to myself after fill #2 as it was becoming time for #3, I would have stopped it there.  I was given fill #3 while on my (.) and I'm wide open for that week.  So while that fill was fine for that time, it was absolutely wrong for the other three weeks of the month.  Never again will I get a fill during my period.  And never again will I get a fill if I'm not absolutely sure it's necessary.  I'd rather, personally, look to myself to be wise and reasonable about my choices and wait until I KNOW without a doubt that it's time.

Like I said, I trust myself with the choices now.  Before you know it...I'll stop tracking my calories and take GoBe off, too.  I'm finally starting to feel comfortable with what I'm doing.

08/18/10: Happy Ha-rumph Day

It's Wednesday.  Yay.

Sadly, the heartburn doesn't seem to be any better.  And the infection that looked alright yesterday looks absolutely horrid today.  As it stands right now, I'll be going in for my appt that I already had on the books next Tues.  We shall see, we shall see.  Looks like maybe I'm allergic to even bacitracin.  Seems odd, though, I've used it before just fine.  That much I know.

So I keep talking about the blog I was gonna write.  Meant to last week and didn't have the time to do the blog justice.  Said I'd do it Tues and then was home sick.  So here is.

My aunt, the good aunt, the one I almost told...we talked long and hard about eating, about food, about nutrition, about wants and desires and habits and trends.  The conversation came up about eighteen gazillion different times and each time, it would take a different course.  All in all, it was pretty interesting.

So my family in a nutshell, cause I think it ties to the mentality.  My grandmother.  Her seven kids.  My mom was the eldest.  I was my mom's only.  One aunt has two kids, both in their late 20's.  My good aunt has one son, just turned 13.  And one uncle had one boy, he's now 31.

My grandmother - thin and absolutely dropdead gorgeous all her life.
My mom - thin and absolutely dropdead gorgeous all her life.
Uncles - all thin and fit and hikers and kayakers and basketball players (and more) all their lives.
Aunts - all thin and fit and hikers and walkers and tennis players (and more) all their lives.  One aunt being the exception, seems to struggle a bit more than the rest.
Cousins - all thin and fit and belly dancers and rock climbers and surfers (and more) all their lives.
Cousins kids - all beautiful and thin and fit.

Ok.  So.  Thin mentality vs. fat mentality, so to speak.

My grandmother studied nutrition when she went to college long long ago.  And while we know that things have changed since the 1940's, when she was in college, we also know that a lot of the basic building blocks have stayed sound over the years.  So these aunts and uncles of mine grew up with a balanced diet, the staples being protein and veggies.  There was also not a lot of money after my grandfather died (my mom was 11, the baby was 1) so there wasn't a ton of food.  This is where their worst habit was created - there was usually only enough food for 3 or 4 people to have seconds.  So the race was on to finish the plate and try to get that second serving which would leave them satisfied.

My mom passed that habit on to me.  We ate fast.  It was a feeding frenzy kind of fast, leaving crumbs all around the place setting and the table.

So my aunt (a therapist) and I start delving into the mentality that drives "fat people" vs. "thin people".  The "fat mentality" vs. the "thin mentality".

I have seen a number of blogs talk about the thin mentality.  And in a nutshell, I'd say the general opinion is along the lines of thin people don't have to think about food.  They just eat until they are full, they inherently know when enough is enough and they tend to not have cravings.

That's opposite of what I was at my worst.  I think about food.  I eat until I'm full and, in the old days, if it's good, I'd try for another bite and another bite...I did not know when enough was enough and I craved food all the time.

Being raised by a family of thin people, I'd assume I'm different than them.

But I'm not.  I learned my habits from them.

Just like me, they think about food.  It's a joke that the in-laws have about us, actually.  At breakfast, once breakfast is served, we are planning lunch.  Once we have a cuisine picked, we spend all morning figuring out the best restaurant to go to.  We'll be walking along the streets of some charming town and someone will blurt out "bbyoih" and we'll say "nah" or "yeah".  Then at lunch, once served, we are planning dinner.  And we spend all afternoon randomly throwing out new thoughts.

That's pretty obsessive to me.  But I'm the only fatty amongst thinnies.

Yes, they eat until they are full.  But on occasion, they also need one last bite (or two or three) because 1) who knows when you'll get it again, or 2) it's some random occasion we don't typically celebrate and one extra bite today isn't going to undo me, or 3) it just tastes too danged good.

Yes, they inherently know when enough is enough, but see above.  It ties together.

And finally, cravings.  Yes, they have 'em, too.  Big time.

So here we are, my aunt and I delving into the differences in personalities and how one style leads you down the fat path and the other style leads you down the thin path. 

And my aunt says, her presumption, from all the thin people she's met and all the fat people she's met, through her practice, is that thin people are the ones obsessing over food.

She says, this thin aunt who counsels people struggling with weight, that thin people worry about food far more than fat people do.  And when fat people stop and finally start worrying themselves about food, they tend to lose weight and become thin.

Fat mentality seems to be, eat when there's food and don't think about how the calories of breakfast, lunch and dinner tie together.  Don't think about the calories in a soda and it's impact on a day.  Don't think about what this extra bite really does.  Don't think about food, just enjoy and consume.  And in this not thinking, the "full" signal is usually missed, too.  So while thin people eat that extra bite every now and again, too, they do so knowing that they are already full and it's really the brain that wants it.

Thin mentality, she thinks, is more obsessive.  You might not be planning your next meal at the current meal, although you might, too, but you are thinking about how breakfast ties to lunch ties to dinner.  You are thinking the soda isn't worth an entire meal being abandoned (or maybe it is).  You are thinking this extra bite means 20 more minutes on the treadmill - and it might be ok.

It was pretty interesting.

If she's right, I've always had the thin mentality.  And once upon a time, I was thin, too.  But I threw out what I knew, what I liked best, what felt best, so that I could put on my protective coat.  And it wasn't enough when I felt I no longer needed my protective coat, to just say, I'm all fixed.  I had to figure out how to throw out the (now) old mentality.  The one where I stopped thinking.  Cause, in my case, it is true.  I did stop thinking about food.  I stopped thinking about how it all ties together and instead focused on the immediate gratification of this meal.

I'd love to hear thoughts.  I'm not saying this is gospel nor am I saying it is emperically true.  I'm just saying that this one thin person who has exposure to people battling weight, on a professional level, has told me her thoughts on the difference between herself and those she is helping and what she has seen as she has helped them on their journeys.

In my case, I think it holds up.  Because at my heaviest, at my worst, I was not thinking about what I was doing.  I was answering my wishes without thinking how it impacted the rest of the day.  I still planned lunch while eating breakfast and dinner while eating lunch.  But I didn't consider calories, protein or basic nutrition.  I considered what tasted good and even what felt like an accomplishment to cook.  I was taking the extra bites because 1) what I cooked was an accomplishment and I "earned" it...or 2) who knew when I'd cook it again, or eat at that restaurant again...or 3) I was paying for it and it wouldn't reheat so I might as well enjoy it.

I wasn't thinking about the food. I was thinking about the feelings.  I didn't pay attention to my stop signal because my stop signal always came sooner than I wanted.  In fact, I was never even hungry, the growling stomach type hungry, because I was always overeating.  And I never stopped to question whether I needed it.  It was "dinner time" so therefore...

I've said before how surprisingly easy it was for me to go back to what I knew.  I just needed something to remind me what I knew.  I had to hit bottom, I get that, but I also needed a nutritionist and an RNP to monitor that.  I appreciate the insurance required 6 month "unweightloss" program now.  I thought I did then...but for more reasons than were apparent at the time, I'm glad I fought that struggle back with a stick pre-band.  I got a lot of things out of the way back then without having to risk injury to the band.

I asked my husband a few weeks ago if he knew why I got the band.  I suspected he did not.  And I was right. 

He said "so that you could lose the weight".

Nope.  The band isn't losing my weight for me.  My weightlifting is.  My cognizance of my eating is.

The band is my reminder that I can't stop thinking about food.  And, to me, I believe that will be important for maintenance.  Because if I ever stop...I'll get back to where I was.  It's too easy to eat around the band.  Being too tight taught me that.  Because I couldn't eat my nutrion at my main meals, I had to pursue other things I don't usually go for - chocolate, ice cream, etc (not nutritious, I know).  Last night, I knew what I needed calorie wise, protein wise, and I ate accordingly.  And for once, in over two months, I was able to eat it.  I was able to enjoy it.  And I ate it.  And I never needed another snack, another night time snack, another drink of this - nothing.  I was fine.  With just that meal. 

Anywho...thoughts?  Opinions?

And like I said, this is not a declared right/wrong thing.  It was her opinion and I thought it had merit because 1) she's never struggled with her weight and 2) she counsels people professionally and has helped multiple people through their weightloss programs.  I thought it was an interesting view.  THAT IS ALL.  In my case, I can see what she was talking about, but that does not mean "this is the thin mentality".  It is entirely possible that my family is nuts.  And...it's true...my family is nuts!

08/17/07: Update

I made myself go back into my bedroom at 5:50 (friggin) AM so that I could turn the alarm off and not bug my hubby.  He doesn't like the alarm as early as I do.  So at 6, it went off, I turned it off and my doggie finally convinced my cat to let him on the bed so that he, doggie, could cuddle with me.  And I fell asleep, discomfort and all.  It was in that that both my hubby and I realized I wasn't going to work today.

When I woke up, first thing I did was call my doc.  The lady who answered the phone said "no cancellations, so sorry, you'll just have to wait".

That wasn't good enough for me.  This isn't resolving and I am not going to risk damage/further damage to any of me because they can't accomodate urgency.  If it were me trying to make a schedule change, yeah, I wait.  But this aint that.

So I ask, "then what do you do when someone is so tight they can't eat and they suddenly got pretty bad heartburn for the first time in their life?"

She says "hold on, you'll need to talk to a nurse and she can tell us to get you on today's schedule".

So she transfers me to a nurse, nurse hears the same story, nurse transfers me back to the same front desk but different lady.  And different lady, not knowing the story, says, "I'm sorry, but we are full today".

Are you effin kidding me?

But then, before I have to go into the story, she suddenly had a cancellation at 1:30.

So I had an appt at 1:30.  I get myself there and I'm thinking...what if it's beyond "too tight" and it's slipped?  ARGH!  Please let my Lady be ok!!!

I check in and I sign all my paperwork.  And I get called back for a weigh-in and vitals.  My weigh-in...get this.  It's been exactly one month and two days since I was there last (not for a fill but a follow-up for the infection).  And I'm down 9.8 lbs.  I guess I don't think of weightloss by the month...because while I know some of you would thumb your nose at a pittance like that, to me, that's huge.  To me, that's ideal.  More than 8 but not so much that my skin gets confused.  I was very pleased with that!

And then I wait and wait and wait.  And finally the RNP calls me back.

She starts with a barium swallow.  All of their fills (and unfills) are under fluoroscopy.  I like that, personally.  And we all get to see the image of how everything looks - the size of the opening, the size of the pouch, where the band is sitting.  I like it.

And get this.  It's all fine.  It looks like ideal restriction in their book.  No slip.  Not closed off with tightness. 

So who knows where this heartburn is coming from.  I'm gonna do some research, that's for sure.

She did take 0.2cc's out.  She agreed when I explained how it's felt the past two months that it probably was too much, in spite of what the fluoroscopy said.

The heartburn is fading, too.  I'll have half an hour of being just fine and a wave will hit...calling it a wave is weird, yes, but work with me here.  And that wave will wave around for about twenty minutes and fade back to nothing and I'll feel fine for half an hour or so.  And each feeling fine session is getting longer and longer.  Enough so that I wanted "lunch".  And I ate "lunch".  "Lunch" being my first meal of the day at 3:45pm...  And I feel all kinds of better about how the eating felt.  For one, I could do it.  For another, there was still something there telling me to take it slow and chew and all that. 

She told me to keep my appt for next week as I may want my 0.2cc's back.  Or I may want this infection looked at again.  Wouldn't you know it...the wound looked ok today.  It's still there...but it wasn't red or protruding like it normally is.  So from what she could see, there wasn't anything to worry about.  She told me to try bacitracin this time...so I stopped at the store on the way home and bought that and some zantac to have around.

She also told me that if the heartburn doesn't resolve in the next day or two that they will want to know.  They'll order a scope to make sure everything really is ok or see what they can see.

I now have to do some research of my own and see if I can come up with something that may have caused this.  Yes, I know my two bites of cheese last night were a supposed "no no".  "They" always say that anyone and everyone should not eat before going to sleep.  I know that but when my tummy is growling, I usually can't fall asleep.  So I take a bite or two of something and that's enough to stifle the beast and I can get to sleep.  But believe me, the cheese bites are gonna take a backseat for awhile (at least) until I know what's going on.  Any bites, for that matter.

So off to my research.

I hope everyone is having a great day.  I hope you all feel much better than I do (did).  Thank you so much for all the well-wishes this morning.  Made my heart beam to know that 1) people get it and 2) people care.

08/17/10: What a pain

It's 4:40 friggin AM.  I don't have to be up for another hour and twenty minutes.  But I've already been up for an hour and forty minutes.  Yep.  3 friggin AM.

Why?

Because I'm a nut.

But more importantly, because I had this horrid pain in my throat/chest. 

Heartburn.

Sitting up seems to have helped but it's not gone...and I'm scared to go back to bed.

I was sleeping so danged good, too!

Dangit.

I'm not sure if papaya enzymes would help this...but, of course, I don't have any, so I can't find out.

The only thing I have is antacids.  They've kinda helped.

Kinda.

So I'm thinking a couple things.  One...last night...just before sleeping time...I was hungry.  Stomach growling hungry.  This is not unusual.  It's when I usually eat that little bite or two of cheese I talked about yesterday.  So I had a bite or two of brie.  Did it not go down?  It was another half an hour or so before it was lights out...

I'm also thinking that while I haven't been too tight...just uncomfortably tight...since my last fill....I also know that my (.) changes my fill levels.  Saturday night I was able to eat rice, something I have not been able to enjoy with the most recent fill.

Most recent fill = JUNE friggin' 15th.

And I'm getting absolutely no relief, no easing back to "wide open".  I'd have thought it would be sliding by now.

But back to the story.  Saturday night...I could eat.  Saturday was the last day of my (.).

Sunday it was ALL different.  Sunday I was friggin stuck on mashed potatoes.

Now...this two month old fill...no...it hasn't been so bad as to make me so danged tight I could not eat mushies.  But, like I said, each (.) seems to change my body's response to the band and it's fill level.

Apparently, my body's response this time is to slam it shut?

Yesterday, chicken salad hated me.  For lunch.  I have never had a problem with my chicken salad.

And then there was the brie.  At bedtime.  And there was also a vitamin.

And suffice it to say...here I am...at 4:48 friggin AM...up...because of heartburn.

I know it's me.  I think I've finally gotten the message that my little bedtime snacks must go away.

I know it's me.  This fill has been uncomfortable and wrong for two months now.  I have an appt on Aug 24 and while I want to go visit them tomorrow, I'm sure I'll have no choice but to wait until Aug 24.  I should have addressed this fill a month ago when I was thinking it was too much.  Or two months ago...

I just want to know how I can make the heartburn stop.  I'M TIRED!  It's sleeping time!

And to make matters worse...so I had a fill on June 15th.  I went back in on July 6th...appt was scheduled for a fill, which I did not want...because I was too tight...but I had this infection popping up at the site of the main incision.  They put me on antibiotics and told me to come back for a follow-up appt on July 15th.  I did.  Infection looked good. 

Infection is back.

So here I am...too tight...with an infection...dealing with heartburn for the very first time in my life.

I'm falling apart.

I'm so TIRED!!!

The Versatile Blogger Award

Thanks to Pam at "Less Than Fat - The Fantasy", Sparkler at "Sparkler's Story", and Genise at "Losing My Waist and Regaining My Mind" for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger Award.  What a great compliment that is!!!

Here are the rules for this award:



1.Thank the person giving the award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Nominate 15 newly discovered blogs.

4. Let your nominees know about the award.

Seven things about me.

1. There is a huge part of me that wants to quit my job and go back to school to become a physical therapist.  But I could not live without my salary for three years...so this dream is likely to never come true.

2. I'm scared that my hubby and I won't be able to get pregnant.

3. Now, instead of obsessing about weightloss and my journey, I'm obsessing about baby-making and fertility.  (The baby-making part isn't such a bad thing, though, believe me!)

4. I get very very mad when I have to talk to "customer service" reps and they imply I'm a horrible customer.

5. I used to swim a 30 second 50m short-course (free).  My coach, as a kid, told me if I really worked I could go somewhere with my swimming.  That, sadly, was enough for me... 

6. I took Geometry one year at the beginning of high school.  I hated the class and the teacher so I never went back until the day of the final...took it...without having been in class for a day...and passed with a "B".

7. My mom thought I was a good kid.  (See #6 above to understand the irony in this statement.)


I am passing this award on to all the bloggers I read.  Everyone I follow has inspired me and keeps me going!  All of the support I receive from this community is tremendous and the friendships that are being cultivated is amazing.  I love everyone who takes the time to read me...and who lets me get a glimpse into their own personal journies.

08/16/10: Life is good!

Hey y'all.  Sorry I went so quiet at the end of the week (and over the weekend).  I turned my attentions to really trying to get caught up and just didn't have anything to blog about.

Well...that's not true.  But I was more interested in catching up than rambling incessantly, as I do.

But today...today it's all about BOTH.  :)

Still catching up.  As of right now...I have 684 blogs to read, according to Reader.  More, really...but...that's what Reader knows I have to read.

Want to....

Read...

That is...

Anywho.

I passed all my tests.  I am officially past the "Gateway".  I now have to get a project...propose that project...do that project...present that project's results to my "local" powers-that-be....present that project's results to my "regional" powers-that-be...undergo a "Career Orientation Review"....and then hopefully graduate.  And then I'll get to start a new training program.  One in which I become a "senior".

People around me did not pass the Gateway this time around.  The Gateway's are only open for the first two weeks of the month and only "X" amount of people can take the Gateway at any given time.  Given that they are open book and open everything save talking to coworkers...I thought they were incredibly passable.  But...they are also timed...and when you are battling the clock....perusing all of our resources becomes...um...not so doable.  I was given two hours for each test...and most tests took me right at 1.5 hours.  Others around me...it was either submit it with "something" or don't submit and let the clock do it for them.

Anywho.  I just need a danged project now.  PLEASE!  Can I PLEASE have a project?  I asked my boss Friday when I announced "I'm done and I passed" and he said he thinks he has something but he has to ask the bigger boss who was on vacation.  My boss promised he'd have an answer by today.  If I can get a project today...and propose it this week....I might get my graduation by the end of the year.  And that means pay raise.  And it also means eligibility for merit raises!  I like merit!

Anywho.

On to the meat.

I WAS SO LAZY LAST WEEK!  We got home Monday...beat.  Absolutely beat.  I'd planned that we'd get home around 7 and I'd go straight into my gym for my Monday night workout and the whole rest of the week would fall in line.

Umm...yeah...NO.

I COULD NOT DO IT.

So Tuesday...I could do Monday's...and Wednesday...I could do Tuesday's...and then Thursday...I'd be doing Thursday's and then I'd be back on track.  But.  BUT....Wednesday we had dinner plans.  That whole thing I'm doing because Draz has inspired me to get the hell out of my shell.  Reconnecting with beloved friends.  So...in order to reconnect...I said...hey...let's do dinners on Weds.  (We used to do Tues.)  And they loved the idea and we started it up last week.  Well.  Because of dinner on weds...I didn't want to do tues workout (which was really mon's) and then take a break before doing what should be back to back.  So...I thought...I'll take tues night off, too.  And weds, of course.  And then I'll do mon on thurs, tues on fri, thurs on sat and fri on sun.

Got all that?

Nope.  It didn't happen.

Then I convinced myself (I had been all along, really) that I was pregnant.  And last week was my insanely high weights.  And then on thurs I convinced myself that lifting what I needed to lift was just not safe for a potentially budding pregnancy.

Well...not pregnant.  So then fri I was kinda sad.  So there went that workout.

So then I thought...Sat...I'll do my mon and sun I'll do my tues and I'll leave it at that.  But Sat...we sat on the couch and watched movies.  Ahhh...bliss.  Went out to dinner with our friend, her daughter (also our friend) and her x-daughter-n-law.  (Don't ask.  Just know...no, her son aint happy about it.  But he's by himself in another state and so doesn't really get a say in the matter.)  It was a birthday dinner for me.  And the company and the dinner was perfect. 

So then I thought...Sun...I'll do mon and tues and I'll leave it at that.  But Sun...we sat on the couch and watched more movies.  It was shear bliss!  Grilled some steaks for dinner and were otherwise absolute vegetables.

We haven't had a vegetative weekend in ages.  We always have someone around and are entertaining or we've gone somewhere or we're doing something.  I feel soooo incredibly recharged!

And stir crazy....

So...nope.  Didn't workout.

Instead of doing last week's routine this week...I'm thinking I'll start just the whole cycle all over again.  Wouldn't be safe to pick up the heaviest weights this week after a week of nothing.

You know what else I did not do this weekend?  Take my latest 10-pounds-lost pictures.  Oh well.  I'll take 'em one night this week.

I also didn't pay the water bill.  Oops.  That one just seems funny to me.  I know it shouldn't...but it does.  I'd love to pay it right now while I'm thinking about it...but my city makes it impossible to log in to their system to pay the bill unless you have your bill sitting right in front of you.  And who carries their water bills in their purses?  I'm pretty sure I'll remember it tonight.

So tonight.  My neighbor...the one that took my hubby and I out to dinner for my birthday on Sat.  She wants to do something to lose weight.  She is thinking that because right now, while it's insanely hot and humid which makes walking our lake miserable, that joining a gym with a pool so she can do aquareobics and aquacize is a good idea.  Problem is, she doesn't know if she likes either of those things.  So this week, M-W-F I am going to do "classes" with her so she can decide if she likes it.  I'd be happy to keep the classes going but she also wants the heated pool in the cooler months if she decides she likes it.  While our pool is allllllll kinds of hot right now...it will not be in Jan.

I wish...when we'd designed the pool....that we'd made the "hot tub" more of a rectangle and a bit bigger...and put the swim jet in there.  If there was enough floor space in there...I could use that for aquareobics and aquacizing - things I like, too.  But our hot tub is really just a hot tub...so unless we are soaking...it's not really....

Anyway.

I guess since I was absent on Weds Thurs and Fri (and the weekend, as usual) that I'm trying to make up for lost times.

Something I want to talk about besides all this incessant drivel I've already spewed.

Something's different.

Yeah, I know...50 pounds lost...it's different.  A lap-band....it's different.  But I'm not talking about that.

Last week, Tuesday night, to be exact, my husband and I went to the grocery store on the way home from work.  Stocked up on many things as our kitchen was a little bare.  Went through the fruits and veggies and it all looked good and I wanted it all.  Went through the bulk aisle and I perused all the nuts and mixes looking for something low cal, low fat and high protein.

I found it.  SOY NUTS!  And they are so yum.  They are slightly peanuty-ish with a big huge crunch.  1/4 cup (if you can eat that many) is 130 cals, 11g of protein, 5g of fiber and 5g of fat.  I swear it's impossible for a bandster to even eat 1/4 cup of these things.  But they are so good.  I actually just ate those for lunch on Sat. 

Anywho.  Back to the grocery store.  Went through the bakery - didn't care.  The cheese...well...now...I love me some cheese.  I will never go low fat-no fat on cheese.  If I want cheese I'll eat cheese and if I want some sort of exotic cheese, I'll eat it.  Cheese is high in protein and while yes, it has carbs,  I'm not worried about it.  One of my favorite go-to snacks is a little cube of cheese, generally, less than an ounce worth.  Just a bite or two, really.  It's enough to change my palate and sometimes that's why I want to eat something...to change the taste on my palate.  And cheese, for me, is perfect for that.  Anywho.  I love cheese.  And like I said...I'll never do low fat-no fat or even fake cheese.  It has to be the real stuff (and I'd love it if it could be the real real stuff like everywhere else in the world instead of the pasteurized crap we have here in the US...but don't get me started).

So we leave the cheese and olive bar and deli and head to meat.  And we find some meat stuff on sale we decide we can't live without.  And we wander to the other side of the store.  Now...our grocery store is being remodeled - expanded, really.  It's gonna be huge when it's done....and NICE!  The organic/health food section just about quintupled in size.  We went from 2 half rows to 6 real rows and an entire wrap around refrigerated case.  We went from 2 options for Greek yogurt to 9.  We had another store we could go to for a lot of our stuff like that but we like this store better and are glad they are listening to what we want!  But because the remodel/expansion is still going on...organization is not yet perfected.

So back to leaving cheeses and olives and meat.  We go through dairy and grab our nonfat milk.  We grabbed a few canned goods along the way - like canned chicken and canned tuna which I use for my chicken or tuna salads for lunch.  And then we are at the end of the store.  And we have our milk in hand and we need nothing else.  And we walk down the freezer aisle of nothing but frozen pizzas and frozen meals and frozen taquitos and frozen eclairs and...you know...all that "fake" food that's oh so tasty and yet filled with processed carbs and just not really good for you stuff.

Used to be I'd walk that aisle and I'd say...."I want this and I want this and I want this".  At various points in my life, I might actually let myself get the stuff, too.  The frozen pizzas and the hot pockets and the not good for you stuff.  I had gotten to a point where I 1) didn't go down those aisles or 2) if I had to, I wouldn't look and I'd definitely not allow myself to stop and open the doors.  It's never been that I don't want it...it's been that I could just make myself not do it.

But Tuesday...I looked.  I looked to see how they had organized it.  I looked to see what frozen pizzas they added to the mix.  I looked at the sweets and all the stuff that used to look good to me and appealed to my busy life.  I looked at it all.

And I was disgusted.

I looked at the box of pizza that said it was chicken and garlic and artichoke hearts.  And my stomach knotted in thinking of 1) what it tasted like and 2) what it did to my body.

I looked at the box of this and the box of that and I could feel what it had already done to my body, to my metabolism, to my organs and my veins and my arteries and my muscles.  I could feel the processed crap building up in me and slowing down my progress.  All I could see was this horror story of where I'd come from and what that "food" really does to us.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm nowhere near perfect and I never plan to even try.  I will eat my Hooters on occasion and I will drink my sodas, too.  On occasion.  I will make my home made pizzas and eat my chocolate or ice cream when it sounds good.

But I want real stuff.  I want flour ground from wheat and not enriched.  I want chicken raised on a farm without hormones.  I want sodas made with only natural ingredients, not aspartame or any other "fake" sweetener.  And yes, I eat processed crap.  But I do not want a steady diet of it.

Once upon a time...I was ok with it.  Now...I just can't appreciate the "quickness" it supposedly affords.

It was very surreal walking through that aisle seeing things I used to love and now only seeing the horror that it brings.  No more can I look at these things and think "ahh...oohy gooey cheesiness."  Nope.  Now I see "yuck, blocked artery in a box".  or... "fat pocket on a hip".

I could go on.  But...the thing I know...is that it wasn't my taste buds that changed, per se.  It was my brain.

I say that because my taste buds have always preferred "real" to "processed".  But my brain, once upon a time, was convinced that "a little each day was ok".

As a last little tidbit, know what else I found in the grocery store?  "Nut-thins".  Crackers.  Made from nuts instead of flour.  They are incredibly crunchy and while they are crackers and are, well, crackers.  They aren't as "bad" for you as some of the "better" crackers.  Compare 'whea! thins' to 'nut thins' and you'll see what I mean.  In a gist, same amount of protein...but less fat, less carbs, and less calories in the nut thins.  And the crunch is awesome.  And they have many different flavors, too.  I am in love with the almond sea salt with little slivers of brie on them.  (We have brie logs at our grocery stores now that are perfect for very thin slices to put on crackers.)

Oooh...and one last story.

So....neighbor friend took us out to dinner for my hubby's birthday three weeks ago.  She and her daughter.  She says..."think of where you want to go and we'll go there".  And hubby thinks for about three minutes and says "Carabas".  He loves Carabas.  I do not.  We rarely eat there.  :)  So we go to Carabas and we had a great meal with even better company.

Two weeks later...it's my turn.  Neighbor friend says "think of where you want to go and we'll go there".  And I think.  And I think.  Birthday comes and goes.  And I'm still thinking.  On Friday, neighbor friend's daughter texts me and says "where we going"?  I say "I don't know".  She says "Let me know by 6 tomorrow and I'll meet you there".  Ummm...ok.

I could not just up and decide on what my favorite place is.  I don't even know what it was anymore.  So Friday I enlist the help of hubby.  I say to him "where do I want to go?"  He says "let me think".

He doesn't even know anymore, either.  In general nowadays, all I can tell you is that "I want chicken".  I can get chicken most anywhere.  I can also tell you "I want salmon".  A little more limited on that one...but still...

I can also say "I want veggies".

What I can't say is where I want the chicken, salmon or veggies from.  I can also tell you I want Asian.  Asian anything.  Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Vietnamese.  But I can't really do a steady diet of those things, either.

Hubby ultimately came up with a nice sushi restaurant we have close by.  Because I was scared of the rice, I did not order any of my own sushi on Sat, I got sesame salmon instead.  It was sooooo yum!  And then it turned out, cause I always have to try, that the rice was fine.  Everyone loved the restaurant.  Our neighbor friend doesn't do seafood so this restaurant was a great choice because it's one of those that has the full menu in addition to the full sushi list, too.  The table shared sushi and neighbor friend ate her terriyaki beef and I ate my salmon.  Because I could eat the rice, I had three pieces of sushi, too.  And when I took little niblet bites of the pieces they worked.

So then I'm thinking...because I could eat on Sat...I should be ok yesterday.  Nope.  Stuck on mashed taters.

And by stuck...in my case...it goes down.  It doesn't cause sliming.  It just sits there for 30 minutes before it goes down.  It's painful.  It's irritating.  It makes me eat cold food.  But it does go down...it does not come up....and it does not cause pb's or sliming.  Just sits there.  Painfully.  Whether I eat a hand-sized bite (which I don't) or a pinky nail sized bite.  Just sits there....

Enough ramble for today.  I had another thing I wanted to talk about today...but this is too long now...so I'll blog about it tomorrow.

Hope y'all had a great weekend.  Hope y'all have a great week!

08/11/10: I should be...but instead I'm...

I should be taking tests.  But instead I'm blogging and reading blogs.  I'm still trying to catch up.  I think I've made some good progress but my reader still says "1000+".  I'll get there....I'm reading July 11th right now.  I know I have a big gap in July where I was reading the days blogs before I went back to the "old" stuff...seems I should start catching up soon.

But I should be taking tests.

I have six tests left to take by the end of the week.  Saturday, really, although I don't want to come in on Saturday so I'm really trying to have them done by Friday.  But slacker me...I only took one yesterday.

Wanna know why?

Great.  I'll tell you.

Cause I was absolutely and completely consumed and obsessed with "Am I?"  Three tests, one taken way too early, though, all said no.  But I still thought I was.  Of all the time for nature to screw with my cycle...THIS WAS NOT THE TIME!  But she did.  She screwed me up.  I started this morning...four days late.

When you couple my normal PMS shite with trying to get pregnant and a late start, dang but I didn't believe those danged stupid and expensive (when they are being wasted) tests!

But we are not pregnant.

What a cool story that would have been, too.  I didn't want to make a stink about it because I didn't want to jinx us.  But now that I know I am still obsessive and easily distracted by my desires instead of being able to focus on my reality, I'll tell you what that story would have been.

One Friday night, around about the middle of my cycle, my husband and I watched a movie.  And that movie spoke to both of us in different ways but got us to the same end result.  We had been talking about how much weight I should lose before we start trying and I had the point that it probably won't happen in the first attempt so we should start trying and I'll continue to lose weight as I go and change gears when it's time.  So we agreed, after about a month of talking about it and thinking about it, that we would start trying.  But then we didn't really start trying.  This was back in June.  So here we are in July, end of the month, and we watch this movie (The Rookie).  And by the end of the movie we both wanted a family and we wanted a family RIGHT NOW.  So a little sumtin sumtin later and we are officially "actively trying" (for you, Draz).

And then we started looking at all the ways to help our cause.  BBT monitoring, saliva microscopes, fertility monitors, ovulation tests.  I started doing the BBT monitoring but since I wasn't doing it for the entire cycle it doesn't really mean anything right now.  We bought a saliva microscope (thanks, Sparkler, it got here Mon and I was playing with it last night.  That thing is awesome!)  We opted against the fertility monitor for now, we'll see how it goes.  (Such an extraordinary offer, Linda!)  And ovulation tests...it seems, to me, anyway, that with all this other stuff we are doing, that they are probably not our best help.  Especially since they indicate what's up after what's up has happened.  Oooh, and I forgot, iPeriod on my iPhone.  Thanks for pointing me in that direction, Pie.  I love that app and so does my hubby.  I know that keeping track of things is monumentally easier with that app.  I can put my saliva results in there.  I can graph my BBT in there.  I can keep track of days in there.  I can see graphs for multiple things.  And my hubby can look in there and say to himself (absolutely to himself) 'that explains the attitude!'

So...not this time.  But...I can say...now that nature has screwed with me and I've been on my little roller coaster...I am excited about all our sumtin sumtin we'll get this month.  I learned so much and I think it's worth it's weight in gold to really learn our bodies.  I don't think I've ever been so in tune with myself.  Between the food, the exercise, and now all this tracking...some of the stuff on the scale, for example, makes a gazillion times more sense!

T'would have been a cool story. 

Onwards and forwards...

Do you like to read? 

I love to.  When I worked offshore I got to read A LOT.  I miss that.  It's so much harder to read when I've got my hubby sitting beside me and I'd rather talk to him or play games with him.  But one of my BYOC goals (nearly two weeks ago) was to start picking up my books again.  I'm pleased to say, I have and I am.  I typically go to bed, at least want to, before my hubby.  So I'm using that time to read until he joins me and we watch the evening news.  (I hate that the evening news in TX is on so late at night!)  Right now I'm reading Twilight.  I've got the whole series to read and I've resisted watching the movies until I can read the books.  I did watch Twilight and then got why I wanted to read the books.  So I'll read the rest of 'em before I watch any of the other movies, if I do.  I'm hooked, I can say that much! 

I'm also picking up my magazines again.  I typically read my magazines in the bathtub.  I love me a bubble bath and usually take one after a workout.  And since I just throw magazines away, who cares if they get wet...

All this to say, I'm reading again!  I love it!

Well, I suppose the tests need to be paid attention to.

I hope y'all are having a fabulous week.  I am...in spite of dealing with cramps from hell that are just reminding me of what didn't happen, I am just in general happy and content and happy that I got to spend some time with my family and looking forward to the first quiet weekend we'll have had in almost four months.  Happy hump day!!!

08/10/10: Well then...

I love y'all for chiming in on whether to tell or not.  And I went round and round in my head all the way to Cali as I sat on the plane.  And ultimately, walking off the plane, I decided (with my husband) that I'd take it minute by minute and if it seemed appropriate to tell, I would.  And if it didn't...

So...now, before I tell the story, I'll say that this journey is MY journey.  It is not about my aunts or uncles or cousins or grandmother.  It is about ME.  It is about how I am taking care of ME.  And ultimately, to tell or not to tell has to be about making MY journey a successful one.  I don't believe telling (or not) has to do with honesty.  I believe that it has everything to do with stacking the odds in my favor that I will be successful long term.  And by long term I mean the rest of my life, in weightloss and in maintenance.

With that said, I will now say that my family has never been one of uber-support.  They are interesting people who have very diverse perspectives and views.  I love to spend time with them.  I love to travel with them.  I love to eat dinner with them and drink wine as we catch up and talk about current events.  I also love to go back to my own home where my REAL support network lies.

I do not walk away from my family feeling drained.  Nor do I walk away from my family feeling supported.  I DO feel cherished and loved for the perspective and character that I bring to the table.  At the end of the day, though, they are not now, nor have they ever been, my own personal cheering squad.  Yes, they want me to succeed.  But no, they do not want to invest in creating that outcome.

It's who they are.

Suffice it to say, the end result is I will never ever ever tell my family what I've done.  They will not support it, they will not understand it, they will not embrace it - and that could lead ME to not embrace MY own journey.

This is MY journey.  No one else's.  I must make it successful.  And only I can choose the best way for that to be my reality.  And I now KNOW that telling my family will be a pitfall not a prop-up.

So with that said, here's the story.

My aunt that we stayed with picked us up from the airport on Friday.  And the hub-bub at the airport as we loaded luggage and gave cursory hugs was enough for her to not have a second to notice the changes.  But when we got home and got things unloaded and settled, she really noticed and she really beamed.  She asked the obligatory "how" and so feeling her out, I said, 'less food more movement'.  We talked a bit about that.  I continued to feel her out and I continued to add in extra tid-bits.  Chew more, I said.  Don't drink with meals, I said.  Don't make anything off limits, I said, but instead, focus more on protein and portion and whether it's needed vs. wanted.  I talked about the importance of eating slow enough to really be able to recognize 'the full feeling' and how that also lets you savor the food more, which also means you can get away with less.  I talked about all that I've learned.  At one point I was about to spill because I thought she'd be ok with the story but the conversation was distracted by something and just never came back around.

This aunt, btw, was the aunt that I thought would be ok, would be supportive, would be my cheering squad.  But I don't think it's fair to tell her and then tell her to keep it to herself. 

Later in the afternoon, another aunt and my grandmother arrive.  And they ooh and ahh over the progress.  What are you doing, they ask?  I say, more movement, less food.  My aunt who I've talked with all day long about this expands on certain things I talked about.  And they all ooh and ahh and marvel at how I'm "figuring this out at 35 instead of waiting until [I'm] 50, like [they] did".

There will be more blogs this week about the conversations I had with my aunt (that we stayed with) on Friday.  Skinny mentality vs. "fat" mentality.  (Those are my words, not hers.)  I see speculation around the blogs about what skinny mentality must be and I can say, now, as an introductory bit, that she (a skinny person) thinks skinny people obsess over food MORE than "fat people".  I'll talk about that conversation later in the week but it was very interesting.  Put it this way.  With the changes I've made now...I have the "skinny mentality" going full force, if what she thinks/said is true.  All generalizations, though, so....

Back to the story.

My cousin and his wife show up.  Cousin is a stud-muffin and he knows it.  Not only is he a stud-muffin, but he lives in So Cal where appearance can be everything.  And he buys into that So Cal mentality.  The So Cal mentality I'm so thankful (now) to be away from.  (Sorry, So Cal'ians.)  His wife is one of the most gorgeous woman I know.  And so very little goes into her efforts to "look that way".  I don't believe she buys into the So Cal mentality.  She has the most amazing face ever, the cutest little figure with the cutest butt and the perkiest boobs.  She's perfect.  And then there's an ever better personality, so grounded, so real, so compassionate and sincere.  She's pretty remarkable and you find that even though you can't take your eyes off her because she's so gorgeous, you're not jealous about it at all, you're really just glad YOU know her!

Anyway, they ooh and ahh about how much I've changed.  My cousin is big into rock-climbing and being mentally and physically prepared for tough climbs so we talk nutrition and weightlifting and he's stunned that he hasn't got anything to "teach" me.  (In fact, I taught him a thing or two!)

Another uncle and his girlfriend show up.  I'm just meeting girlfriend for the first time but uncle oohs and ahhs and marvels a bit, too.

Eventually the conversation wanders away.  And while no opportunity had presented itself for "telling the truth", no reason for not coming clean had cropped up yet, either.

Friday evening was nice and relaxed with lots of hugs given because they were so glad I "was taking control".

Saturday - more aunts and uncles.   More oohs and ahhs.  But totally not appropriate then as it was the big party and games were being played, birthday candles being blown out...that kinda stuff.

And then Sunday.  Sunday it's all winding down and we are having one of our last get together's over lunch time before the first person heads off to the airport to fly home.  This person is aunt number two.  And she lives in TX.  And she says we need to make plans for our own little get together here.  And we start chatting.  And she says she's so "glad I'm taking charge".

And then she says "And I'm so glad you didn't do any of those assanine weight-loss surgeries.  Those surgeries are just so tragic and involve a great amount of dieting that is just way to prohibitive and then the gas and the bathroom issues that result.  It's just so tragic.  It's way better to just do it like you are doing it with being cognizant of what you are eating."

Education is everything.  That I know.  So here are some of my thoughts...

First.  She was really talking about bypass as she has a friend who underwent bypass and didn't really change his eating AT ALL so he endures dumping ALL THE TIME.

Since she was talking about bypass she either really doesn't know what the lap-band is or doesn't understand how they are different.  And yes, I could have educated her.  I really could have.  And I'm a case of someone that isn't on a lifetime diet.  I ate all that they ate this weekend and didn't endure any side effects from their poor food choices.  I ate four friggin' slices of birthday cake in two days.  It was my birthday and I wanted cake!  (And I didn't gain a single ounce all weekend because activity level stayed high!)  My calorie counts over the weekend were Friday = 930, Saturday = 1540, Sunday = 1148, Monday = 974.  I averaged 1140 calories over the weekend, which is high for me, but it was something I planned on.  Restriction was an issue at times and I did the slide the food to the hubbie's plate (like Band_Groupie in the beginning) a few times to resolve what they called "eating like a bird".  If they didn't see me not eating it, and there wasn't any food on the plate...it must have gone in, eh?  Sheesh, they were eating carbs left and right, sandwiches, bread, pancakes, potato salad, corn on the cob, pizza...there were carbs everywhere. 

She also proved that she doesn't really even know about bypass.  She assumed her one friend who doesn't want to follow a healthy diet and therefore has all his issues because of that was like all bypass people.  And that's not true.

And while she did have the point "bypass can't be undone", that's not the case with the band.

Yes, I could have educated her.  And maybe someday I will.  Without telling her I've done the band...I know how to "work" this aunt and I can give her the education without exposing my own little secret.

But I'll never tell her my own little secret because her true opinion came out.    That ship has sailed now.

And if I can't tell her....

I can't tell anyone in my family. 

Her comments, to me, were pushing me to come clean.  I suspect that after my husband and I left my grandmother's on Saturday night with an uncle and another aunt, that the conversation came up with those remaining at my grandmother's - two uncles, an aunt and a grandmother.  I believe they said something like this:

all others that were there: "she must have had..."
aunt: "I'll squeeze the juice out of her and make her tell tomorrow"

And a lot of people, when hearing that WLS is tragic, might very well have said "oh really?  Well...do I look like a tragedy?"  And I can say the thought did cross my mind.  But she kept going with how tragic it is.  And I realized, partly because of what she was saying but mostly because of past issues with her, that she's just not going to get it.  And she's going to try to derail me.  Maybe not by intent.  But she would spend some time trying to talk me into having this surgery undone.

Maybe she wouldn't.  I'll never know.  It's not worth the risk to me.

I have my support system locked and loaded.  My husband - he props me up.  My friends - they prop me up.  My blog-world - they get it and they support me and they cheer me on.  I know where I can turn for love and support to continue a successful fight.  I never thought it would be to my family - and I believe that it never will be my family.

So there's my story.

I am so very glad that I did not tell.  I went round and round and round in my head and with my husband.  I heard all of you that chimed in and I sooooooo appreciate that you did!  And I loved the perspectives and the advice and the input.  And were these "normal and sane" people, I believe that a lot of the advice would have been applicable.  But this was my family, my whacky, batty, nutty family.  And they, at least not all of them, won't get this.  They won't understand that it's me taking control, that it's me with all my anatomy and physiology in tact with a tool to help me help myself.  They won't get that it's me doing the work and that it's me using sound education to eat better.  They won't get that there are little tricks helping me use my tool like little bites and good chewing.  All they (most of 'em, but not all) will know/see/understand is that I'm weak and I'm so out of control that I have to become a walking tragedy to try and be better.

This aunt that said what she said, I believe she was speaking for herself as well as for others.  And I know that I can educate her without exposing my reality.  And maybe once that education occurs, maybe I can revisit this.  But by then...I best be at goal weight...and who cares.  It's MY journey!

It's MY journey and I am embracing it!

08/05/10: So what do you think?

I am going to Cali tomorrow morning.  3 days with my family.  Staying at an aunt's house.  We will have a big party on Saturday for my grandmother's 85th birthday (which is on Sunday).  We'll have get togethers on Friday and Sunday, too.  EVERYONE will be there on Saturday.  All aunts.  All uncles.  All cousins.  All cousins' kids.  Almost all the spouses. 

The last time anyone saw me was last year, in April to be exact, except for a visit with my grandmother here in Texas in April (this year) and seeing my aunt that lives here in Austin a few times (this year) as well, although last time I saw her was also in April.  All others have not seen me since I was 50 pounds heavier.

I'm sure they'll notice.  They are like that.  They notice when you've put on weight and stop saying things like "it's great to see you".  They notice when you've lost weight and start saying things like "you look good".

That's all that will be said, I'm sure, insofar as compliments, anyway.  And it's ok, because they'll mean it.  And then they'll talk about me behind my back after I leave on Monday.

But when the inevitable question "how" comes up...do I tell them?

If you've read my blog you've read blips along the way about how my family loves to judge each other.  We are good at not judging others, but within the ranks of the family, oh my.  If I do tell them...they'll judge.  And if I don't tell them...they'll judge.  And that will give them a topic of conversation once gone in "oh she has to have..."

So...do I tell them?  What do you think?  What would you do?

I will say...the aunt that my husband and I are staying with...I don't think she'll judge.  And when the judgemental conversations behind my back start up - she'll defend me.  Whether she knows the truth or not.  I actually want to tell her but don't think it would be fair to tell her and then ask her to keep it to herself.

To tell or not to tell...that is the question.

Part of me thinks they will be happy 'that I've done something about it' and 'am working on it'.  A bigger part of me thinks they will see me as weak. 

If I were able to eat normally I don't think I would be wondering what to do.  If I could sit down and eat a meal with them, like them, then I could say "smaller portions more exercise".  But I can't eat normally.  I'll be eating long after they've cleared the table - and that's just to eat 2 friggin ounces of food!  They'll notice somethings "odd" when they see that.  They won't notice me turning down breakfast.  I get stuck stuck stuck on first meals and am thankful that I already was a smoothie drinker in the mornings.  But for this weekend, smoothies won't happen.  If I can't drink breakfast, eating lunch will be out of the question.  And dinner will be hard.  They won't notice my odd behavior with breakfast because I've always been like that.  But they'll start to put their fingers on something's different when they see lunch and dinner just being pushed around the plate.  My one hope is that meals will be saucy.

Ok, thinking through the fingers now.

What would you do?

08/04/10: A whole gaggle of NSV's

1. I decided to try on some of the pants in waiting last night to see if anything new was ready to move into the rotation.  Three pairs of pants were.
2. I'm wearing one pair of said pants today.  I assumed they were like all the others, an 18.  They aren't.  They are a 16!!!
3. I went to a neighbors last night for dinner after my workout.  I saw my neighbor on Sunday.  On Sunday she proclaimed "it's just amazing how quickly you are changing, you look great, I can't believe how much you've changed in two weeks".
4. I didn't expect to hear anything from her last night.
5. But I did.
6. "The progress is just absolutely amazing.  Look at how little you are!  And I just saw you on Sunday."
7. Another neighbor was there and she brought her mom who is visiting.  I haven't seen "mom" since early June.  I knew she'd be looking and figured she'd be complimentary - because she just always is.  The kind of complimentary that even if there's nothing nice to say, she still says it...making you wonder how true it is.
8. Last night was unusual, though.  EVERYTHING she said to me was started with "I just can't get over how amazing you look".
9. (At one point she asked "are you feeling ok?  How are you feeling".
1. Ummm...no.  I'm 50 pounds lighter and I feel like crap. 
1. Really?  You have to ask if I feel ok?  Just seems like a given to me that I do and it just keeps getting better.
10. Then...we went home.  And one of our friends that stays with us when he's in town was in.  He's rarely ever there...I haven't seen him for probably two weeks or so.  He's a major body-builder and spends most all of his free time at the gym, which is where he met his wife, who is also a major fitness buff. 
1. He saw me and about five minutes into the conversation he seemed to not be able to contain himself anymore.  And with a huge ol' smile said "you are looking absolutely amazing, it's obvious you know what to do with weights, I can't believe the tone you are developing.  It's just amazing, yes, I've noticed, you are doing so well.  I can't get over it."

Now for other victories...

1. I saw 214 on the scale last night.
1. Yes.  At night.  I'm always at my lowest first thing in the morning...so I think that speaks volumes that I am continually losing through the day.
2. As of today, first thing in the morning, I can officially claim 215.
3. Drazil is pushing me to get out of my shell.  It's working.  Sunday night - to the neighbors.  Last night - to the neighbors.  Tonight, I'll be going to another neighbor's again.  I picked up the phone and called my long lost BFF.  I didn't get ahold of her, had to leave a message, but she's returned my call and we have a "date" to talk later in the week.  I also saw two long lost friends on Sat.  All this in less than one week....

And now for other news...

These tests are coming along.  Some of them are brutal.  I just completed one that had content that has never been taught and if you were to peruse our intranet, our helpdesk, our software documentation, or our wiki, you still wouldn't find content that would help you answer the questions.  It was frustrating.  But I passed it.  And I did learn in the process.  One of my colleagues who did these tests last month said he thought that one was about the hardest test.  I hope so.  And I can also imagine so, others that I know I have left that I know will not be 'gimmes' will at least have content I can refer to.  And I even know where that content is!

Forgot to tell you yesterday...one of the highlights of the day yesterday was...waking up...getting ready...going out to get in the car...and it's deader than a doornail.  So we bought ourselves a new battery on the way home, plunked it in the car last night, returned the old battery so the recycling fee could be refunded and now have a completely functional car again.  It's sad to me...that battery only last two years and about 50k miles.  You'd think a battery could have lasted longer than that.  Oh well.

Welp, that's about all I know.  It's off to another test...

I hope y'all are having a fantastic week!

08/03/10: Goodness Gracious

Hello.  How are you?  I am well, thank you for asking.

I hope you are having a most fantastic day and week.  I am doing alright.  I've taken 4 of my 17 tests and I've passed.  One test, I just took it this morning, I was sure I was going to bomb big time.  And then I got a score of 95%.  I won't question it.  It is what it is.  I'm glad these tests get scored as soon as you click the submit button.  It would screw with my head if I had to take them all to find out I failed the first one...

Have I ever told you that my favorite band is Depeche Mode?  It is.  Really.  I love Depeche Mode.  I love all the various eras they've been through, how their music has evolved - and then evolved back to their roots.  There is something so calming and peaceful to me about DM.  I love the melancholy and the beauty of the music; the harmony and the musicality.  Listening to DM always just makes me take a deep breath and say "it's ok". 

I am listening to DM as I work through these tests.  Which is interesting to me.  Usually, when you think you've bombed something...you probably have.  Ya know?  Well...something about the peacefulness that I get from listening to DM is making me perservere.  I love it! 

Music is like that in general for me.  As a kid I always went on these extraordinarily long road trips with my parents.  We are talking six weeks, sometimes more, but on average, it was six weeks.  Every summer.  Plus a gazillion weekend trips in which we drove to Mexico, the beaches of central Cali, northern Cali, even Arizona, Nevada, and sometimes we flew somewhere.  Anywho...listening to DM of my teenage/pre-teen years makes me conjure up gorgeous pictures of the countryside in my head.  In our six week trips...we'd take our bums all over Canada, or all the way to the east coast to explore the eastern seaboard and stop in Ohio to see family (where my mom was originally from) or Nebraska to see my dad's family.  I have a gazillion road trip photos stuck in my head...and music pulls them up.

Something very peaceful to me!

Or, finally, as a teenager, branching out to Europe.  Again with the music as we traversed the countryside in our tourbus.

Or, finally, as an early-20-something, branching out to Asia and Southeast Asia.  Again with the music...

Or, finally, as a late-20-something, branching out to South America and Africa.  Again with the music.

Music has been all over the world with me.  And snapshots in the head take me back to wonderful memories of beautiful trips.

I LOVE MUSIC!

(I also love to travel!)

So, of the five pounds I gained, pretty much all on Sunday...I've lost four again.  Still up one.  Still not worried.  At all.  I'm lifting crazy high weights.

I'm at work.  Sitting "Indian-style" in my chair.  This is so awesome!  I just tried it, for the first time in eons, this morning.  This hasn't worked for a long time.  The seat of the chair just wasn't big enough to let me get my legs tucked in and comfie.  And now...I'm guessing my butt slides back farther in the seat now..and so both legs/ankles/feet are in the seat with me.  YAY!

I haven't got anything else to share.  Life is good, these tests are moving along...and I'm ready to go to Cali!  I cannot wait to see my family!!! 

Have a great day, y'all!

08/02/10: Good weekends

I had a good weekend.  Did you?

Wanna know how I know I had a good weekend?

Cause I gained 5 pounds!

Yep.

It's true.

I did.

And I'm not mad, frustrated, angry, sad, depressed, or anything negative about it, either.

I ate and drank wine and soaked in a gorgeous pool for hours on Friday night.  My worries about whether I'd be able to eat on Friday were unfounded.  I did fine and I didn't overdo it.  At least not on the food.  The wine...now that's another story.  I had 2 glasses...1 more than I had planned.

OH WELL!

Saturday, again, I ate, drank and was merry!  Started the day finishing my danged "defensive driving" course.  It's done.  Cleaned out the pool filter.  That'd been hanging over our heads for awhile now and our pool is sparkling now...it was sparkling before..but it's a sparklier sparkle now. 

Like that?

Followed that with more pool soaking.  Then actually went inside and did my workout.  Followed that with getting all-gussied up and went to a comedy club with friends I haven't seen for years.  Yes, years.  One of my bridesmaids and one of my hubby's groomsmen...hadn't seen 'em since the wedding...in '08.  Sadness...cause we love these friends.  But schedules have always worked against us.  We are hoping the scheduling conflicts are done with cause we've missed them.

The wife of this couple (the bridesmaid/groosman are a husband/wife duo) proclaimed "you look exactly the same as you did on your wedding day, I want to know how you do it!"

Well, here's the thing.  That's awesome...and that's also kinda grrr.  That's awesome cause it means she never saw me at my worst and I looked alright on my wedding day.  That's grrr cause I weigh twenty pounds less today than I did on my wedding day.

But...I also know this to be true.  The last time I was 215, some clothes fit that still don't fit right now.  Things are shifting and adjusting...but it's different going down than it was going up. 

Oh well...I'm losing and it does take awhile for things to catch up.  I'm more muscular; that I know, but I'm also beginning to suspect skin is going to be an issue for me, especially in the belly.  Thighs and arms seem to be responding alright so far.  And we'll see.  The proverbial fat lady hasn't sung yet for me.  I aint done!

So we enjoyed our bums off at the comedy club.  Three opening acts and a headliner ALL hilarious.  We saw Billy D. Washington; if you haven't heard of him, youtube him.  He's hilarious!  More alcohol (2 drink minimum and if I was going to waste calories on soda, I might as well waste calories on alcohol instead).  Also had some awful bar food that tasted danged good!

Sunday...more of the same.  Lazy morning.  Grilled brats for lunch.  Soaked in the pool for a good chunk of the afternoon and got another workout in.  Grilled steaks and corn on the cob for dinner and made my personal bruschetta recipe that everyone thinks is the bestest ever (just sayin').  Finally, across the street to a neighbors house for desert, which I rarely ever eat but managed to eat twice yesterday (birthday cake in the afternoon then said desert).

So, yeah, this morning, scale was up FIVE pounds.  Took my shower, got back on the scale...and washed away two of them.

I'm soooo not worried about this.  I am lifting some pretty danged heavy weights for me.  I know my muscles are adapting to that.  I ate and drank all through the weekend and enjoyed it all.  And I know that as I flush with water over the next day or two this will adjust itself.

I also know that irony of all ironies, Saturday I saw my new lowest.  215.  It's time for another set of update photos.  I want to see 215 again before I do them....

After my blog on Friday, I did go change my next fill appt.  Instead of Aug 10th, it will be Aug 24th.  Good thing - I already am noticing my band loosening up...and I have a week until I start my (.).  If I got a fill like this, it'd certainly be too much and I'd be screwed come the middle of my cycle.  So Aug 24th puts the fill in the middle of my cycle, if I need it.

And I want to give a big thank you to Sparkler.  Thank you for leaving all the helpful comments!  I looked into the ovulation microscope and managed to find the cheapest (and yet best) pregnancy tests I've come across so far in the meantime.  The strips like they keep in the doc's offices and it's $5 for 25 test strips.  Much better than the typical drugstore tests!  Maybe I have to use 5 at a time...(which reviews said you don't) but it's still WAY cheaper than one single test at the drugstore!

As always, any and all comments would be loved.  I'm really really curious about weightlifting/exercising while pregnant.  What your experiences might have been like and what you think.  And tips like what Gen said "keep trying even after you think you're done ovulating"...things like that our docs just don't seem to know to tell us!

Ok...onto my next test.  Already took one today and passed it with a meager 100 (out of 100).  1 down, 16 to go.

Happy Monday y'all!