12/01/2011: It's me...the long lost...

I am still out there.  Yes, yes I am.  I do plan on being back into blogging for real when things settle down.  But...I doubt things will settle down in the way that things were once settled.  Like seriously doubt.  As in it will never happen.

Anywho, what's the haps, you ask?  Well, I had me some babies!  Here...look...

My water broke on October 17th at 1:30am and that was that.  I was 35 weeks and 5 days pregnant - so pretty good for twins, but still preemies.  Baby A was 5 lbs 11 oz and 17.5" and Baby B was 6 lbs 6 oz and 19".  They are both gaining weight wonderfully and while they did have some preemie issues, still do, kinda, they are doing really well in spite of it all.  I wound up having a c-section because Baby B turned back to transverse at the last minute.  Our doc said he was in distress and while I don't know what indicated that - his heartrate was always good and strong on the monitors while I was in labor - the only thing that really mattered was that everyone stayed healthy and happy.

I am still off work...don't go back until the beginning of March.  I won't know what to do with myself.  I've been off work since the middle of July.  That's one "problem".  The bigger issue will be not wanting to leave my sweeties.  They are wonderful babies.  They are six weeks old and they sleep for 4-5 hours at a time and never cry 'cept when they are hungry and they think we aren't hopping fast enough.

Anywho, there's kinda my story.

I wound up gaining 77 lbs with the pregnancy and have now lost all but 25 of that.  I am finally cleared to get back to weightlifting but our gym was disassembled in June and moved to the garage - where it has not yet been reassembled.  I suspect it will stay that way until after Christmas.  I am still doing well with losing weight with just walking, so I'll keep working on that.  It's only been six weeks so I'm not worried at all.  I also still don't have any fill in my band.  As long as I'm working on breastfeeding/pumping, I won't be getting refilled.

I've known since I started on the whole losing weight for good journey that a tummy tuck is in my future but it is most definitely decided at this point!  My sweet husband and I figure will work on batch number two of kids in about a year and following that, I will finish the weightloss journey and the tummy tuck will fall into place after that.

So there's the kicker that has everyone cracking up.  I want batch number two to also be twins.  Am I nuts, you ask?  Have you missed me that much that you forgot that little nuance of Lori...she's nuts?  So the answer is yes...yes I am.  I am nuts.  But these babies are such sweeties and so wonderful and I have the world's most amazing husband and I'm not on my own through the (sometimes) long nights...so yes, yes, I would do this all again.  I would do this all again while chasing toddlers around the house, too.

Anywho, I'd love to say I'm back and that I'm reading and that I'll be more consistent about blogging and all that...but I don't think I can say that until I go back to work and then have hours of doing nothing.  I'm no longer uncomfortable sitting at a computer like I was while pregnant...but I rarely get a good block of time to write a blog out - I've been trying to decorate the house for Christmas for nearly a week now and it's just barely happening tonight...as well as finally "finishing" the nursery.  Yes, it's finally done...mostly...it will be done tomorrow.  We need hooks to get things on the walls.  But then that wasn't procrastination, that was waiting on replacement parts to arrive from the crib manufacturer...and those parts arrived the day after the boys were born...and, well, no, we didn't rush home and disassemble furniture to reassemble it since they were (and still are) sleeping in bassinets in our bedroom.

Anywho, I'm rambling.  Life's good.  I'm still around and I'm still planning on reappearing for good...soon, very very soon.  I mean, I need to go to next year's gathering of the gals, so I've got to get back into this...soon...very very soon!

I'll check in again as soon as I can.

09/01/2011: It's about danged time...

I've been quiet, eh?  Do you even remember me at this point?

Yes, I'm still a bandster.  I'm very much a banded pregnant lady.  And yes, I'm still pregnant, too.  29 weeks and 1 day, to be exact.  I'm huge.  So if the babies are letting food in, then the band is not.  Sometimes, the band is fine - but the babies won't let any food in.  So I'm huge in the belly but the rest of me is still my onederland self.  We'll see how this settles when the babies are born and yada yada yada.

So what have I been up to, you ask?  Not much.  My doctor put me on "bedrest" back in early July.  It's more of a house arrest than a bedrest situation and I love it - to be honest.  I can swim, I can walk around my lake, I can even go out to dinner following a weekly doc appt.  I just no longer have to commute to work or sit in an uncomfortable chair for eight hours wondering when I can take my next nap.  I have nowhere near my normal energy, although I think my energy is just fine considering I am growing two human beings.  I take it easy when I need to and work on what I choose to when I want to.  It's pretty low key and definitely low stress, so I'm happy.  Given how the babies are growing, they are happy, too.

So, why the bedrest?  Back at the beginning-ish of July I started getting contractions.  So my doc said "bedrest".  Well, as soon as he said that, the contractions stopped and I haven't had a single one of them since.  And I now know that I can attribute that to being dehydrated at the time.  Oops...

What else?  The babies are ahead of schedule, as twins at this stage should be.  Everything looks good and I'm doing well.  No preeclampsia, no gestational diabetes, no nothing.  No swelling, no heartburn, no headaches, none of the typical pregnancy side effects.  Just my normal ol' me with a big belly and less energy.

I honestly think the band is helping me to not have heartburn.  Funny how being too tight causes that - and now having it stops it.  I think the band being in place applies just enough pressure at the top of my stomach that the sphincter that blocks the esophagus can stay closed like it should even though the babies continually press up on my stomach.  My doc thinks this is an interesting theory as he said none of his banded patients have ever dealt with heartburn.

Then again, I could just have an iron stomach.  Which I believe is true, too.

So...other than that, not much going on with me.  I've been meaning to get this out there for eons now and rarely feel like sitting up to type.  Sorry about that.  I had anticipated that when I went on bedrest I would be reading blogs and staying caught up but I rarely get on the computer and when I do, it's for brief periods of time.  Laying down is definitely a much preferred position.

I hope all is well out there with y'all.  I miss y'all and this world.

So did I ever tell y'all what we are having?  I think maybe I didn't...cause the last time I blogged was well before any of our showers...and the big reveals happened at the showers.  So....

Two baby boys!

Unfortunately, I'm not sure I want to divulge their names on this blog.  I am still thinking about whether or not to put their names out here or not.  But the leaning is not to do so.

What else can I tell you?  What else do you want to know?  It's been so long I don't even really know where to start - so feel free to tell me what I need to tell you and I promise I'll get another blog posted in a week or so answering questions or whatnot.

Like I said, I hope all is well with y'all.  I hope you haven't forgotten me.  Thank Jen for waking me up and making me get this blog out here.  :)

06/28/11: Still Somewhere

Two posts in a month.  Insane.  Given I used to do 4-5 a week, it seems...sometimes 9...I've definitely fallen off.

Not much going on around here, though.  I'm growing babies and we are working hard on our house.  I do what I can but my sweetheart is the one that is really working hard.  We will finally get our new carpet installed next Tues and then get to put our lives back together and move on with enjoying summer!

The babies are growing.  We know what they are at this point but we are keeping quiet until after our showers are done.  We will do a gender reveal at each shower where the cake will be dyed the color/colors of the genders.  When we slice in, people will either see pink, blue, or pink and blue.  It's also turning out to be a lot of fun as people beg me to tell them.

I actually think the next time we get pregnant that I won't find out.  I thought for sure I wanted to know but now having found out...well...I think the surprise is better suited for the delivery room.  Interesting how doing what I always thought I wanted to turns out to not be what I thought it would be.

Anywho, not much going on with me.  Babies are growing and are healthy.  We had an ultrasound about a week and a half ago, one day it was with our Dr and was an early anatomy scan and the very next day it we did our elective 3D/4D ultrasound.  We go back for our "real" anatomy scan in about two weeks.  I will be curious to see how they've changed since the last.  At the last one, they each weighed about 8oz.  We were told that at the next one they should be a pound a piece. 

In that ultrasound we saw one of the cutest things.  Baby B scrunched up into a ball and hauled off and kicked Baby A.  Baby A got mad and punched back.  Baby B seemed to realize the mistake so it turned itself around and snuggled up to Baby A.  It was so hilarious!

In other news, it appears that, as is par for the course in my life, I will not go down in history as being the first person to feel the babies kick.  Because of where the placentas are located, the babies are kicking the placenta.  So I'm not feeling anything internally.  At my appt at the beginning of June my doc was stunned that I wasn't feeling anything.  Then later I asked about where the placentas are and the doc realized what was going on.  He said it's likely that I won't feel anything internally until the babies get a lot stronger - in a month or so.  Then, with the u/s, we saw it ourselves.  The placentas are taking all the kicks.  Anywho, so I'm not getting that fluttering or anything like most people would be getting at 20 weeks.  And I'm not worried about it because I do know the babies are both kicking and active and healthy and alive and well.

Anywho, on with the story.  This past weekend, my aunts were stunned that I'm not feeling anything.  One aunt put her hand on my belly to prove to me I was wrong.  Kick kick.  She said, "someone IS kicking".  I said, no, and put my hand in the same spot.  Kick kick.  I said "that's got to be my heartbeat".  So my hubby put his hand there.  Kick kick.  "Yeah, that's got to be her heartbeat".  Another aunt put her hand there.  Kick kick.  "No, those are definitely kicks".  I put my hand back there.  Kick.  Nothing.  20 seconds later another kick.  All weekend I was putting my hand back there so that I could say "yeah, that's a heartbeat" but my heart never beat in that spot again.  So my aunt was the first person to feel the babies kick.  I love it. 

It's so very strange to be feeling kicks externally but still nothing internally.  But that's ok.  I'll take whatever kicks I can get.  And, like my doc said, soon enough I'll be begging them to leave me alone.  :)  My doc told me "enjoy this while it lasts!"

Not much else going on.  So ready for the house to be done and back in order.  So ready for a good deep cleaning to get the last of the dust off of everything.  I can't wait for our housekeepers to come back - it's been pointless lately with almost all of our furniture either in the garage, dining room or kitchen nook.  We have no carpet in any hallways, in our spare bedrooms, in our nursery, in half of our family room.  And by the end of this week we'll see the last of the old crap go.  It's been nice to get all these projects done without caring about the floors...but I'm ready for my house back!  Our new tile is gorgeous - but it's all covered with furniture that doesn't belong in those rooms!  I'll post pics when all is said and done.  Hopefully I can find decent befores, too, so that you can see what we changed from.

I hope all is well out there with y'all.  I'm mostly gone, it seems, but I sure haven't forgotten.  I know I'll be back soon.  Bedrest will be here before I know it - and I know that reading blogs and such will really help me.  So much to do between now and then, though.  (Then being Aug 20th.)

06/03/11: I haven't blogged in awhile

So I thought I should get something out there to let you know I'm still alive.

I'll admit to being a bad blogger and, even worse, a bad supporter/reader, too.  I'm not even reading anymore.  I'm reading tons of stuff about babies, mostly in the form of an online mommies group for November babies.  I'll be back to blogging about weightloss someday...but my head is so totally not in weightloss mode right now and, well, it's hard to read about all that when I have to be ok with actually gaining.

And that's the great news.  I am ok with gaining.  Although, it's not much so far.  In 16 weeks of pregnancy I've gained 8 pounds.  I'm actually trying to gain more - twins require more, or so they say - but if I follow the whole 'eat when I'm hungry, don't eat when I'm not' thing...well...gaining isn't just happening.  It's kind of funny to throw all caution to the wind and just be...but here I am.  It's even funner to throw all caution to the wind and just be...and not be getting into trouble on the scale because of it.  I wish my metabolism could always do this!

I think my bump has definitely appeared.  My upper abdomen area is as hard as a rock.  It's kind of freaky.  And it's popped.  It's also interesting to me...I am definitely "carrying high" right now.  People are speculating it's two girls - I still think it's one of each.  Hopefully we'll find out in two weeks.  We scheduled an elective ultrasound (3D/4D) for June 18th...and hopefully babies behave and we get some info.  If not, we'll reschedule and try again.

Not much else going on.  Hahaha.  As for the pregnancy, though, not much else.  I think I've finally beat "morning" sickness.  I still have brief windows of not feeling "good" which can lead to serious quease if I've done too much - but that's to be expected...and, of course, I'm trying not to push it anyway.  When that not feeling "good" feeling kicks in, I race for the bed and chillax. 

So why might I be doing too much, you ask?  Well...I think I've taken nesting to a whole new level.

Our house is a disaster right now.  Over Memorial Day weekend my hubby and two friends pulled up the tile and thinset in our kitchen and the carpet in our dining room.  Our house is a major dust factory right now, to say the least.  Everything in every cupboard has had to be washed - and yes, we covered EVERYTHING with plastic...and while it helped it didn't stop the dust from getting everywhere.  And as soon as I dust each day, I've just stirred up more dust that settles elsewhere.  It's funny...I can dust the table in our gallery and then go dust the family room to wind up back in the gallery 30 minutes later redusting that same table.  Each time the dust settles it is less and less...but it's been fun to try and get the upper hand on all this dust.

And it's futile.  We will get the new tile installed next week and then proceed to rip up all the carpet in the house.  That will be another round of dust - although not nearly what ripping out tile and thinset does.

In the midst of all of this, we are fixing baseboards and sheetrock in two rooms - kitchen and dining room.  In our kitchen, we have a dog door in our door to the backyard and if the rain blows in the right direction, which it usually does, that rain gets in the dog door if that dog door isn't closed.  That sitting water has destroyed the baseboards next to the door.  Luckily, the sheetrock is fine above the baseboards, it's just right behind the baseboards that needs to be replaced.  I say luckily because this means we don't have to worry about retexturing - which never matches perfectly when redone.  In our dining room, well, we have a cat that thinks the dining room is his own personal "area" and so that's why we are switching from carpet to tile - although even if he weren't "doing that" I'd still switch that room.  It makes no sense to me to have a dining room be carpet, personally.  "We" figured out long ago that it's not sanitary to have carpet in bathrooms and kitchens...but yet we still do dining rooms?  When I built the house nearly five years ago, it wasn't an option to do anything but carpet in the dining room.  But since we are replacing all carpet and the "architect" isn't controlling the decisions now...I get to have it be what I want.  Now, add in the cat problem...and...well...we are cleaning the slab (done) and then sealing it.  We are replacing all baseboards as they've been affected as well as sheetrock behind those baseboards - again, luckily, only behind the baseboards, not any higher.  And we are sealing inside the wall, too.  We are trying our best to eliminate his scent.  And, of course, he has lived in the garage for awhile now in efforts to control/stop this problem.  He is allowed inside when I'm home and awake and that is it.  He's a sweet cat other than this problem.  And, without going into his history, there is a sad reason behind this problem, too, so I can't hate him for this.  Even my husband, the man who hates cats, can't hate him for this.  He really is a sweet cat.  And he will use his litter box if he has no other choice - hence living in the garage.  I hope with this switch that we kill this problem for once and for all - but at least it will be tile now and not carpet.  It will be a lot harder for this problem to cause such a great problem again.

So those are our tile rooms.  Next...carpet throughout.  So our house is just about to be five years old.  And the carpet that was put in when the house was built is absolute crap.  I had an option to do better carpet but I didn't have an option to do a better pad than what I did, so, not knowing if I really wanted the color that I chose, because, of course, this was long before I went furniture shopping, I went ahead and opted for the "crap" so that I'd be able to (and be ok with) coming back in about five years to get what I really want.  And I'm glad it's worked out.  Turns out, the color I chose - we both don't like.  So we will have a better color as well as much (hella much) nicer carpet.  We will have the best of the best pads, too.  We are excited about this carpet and pad.  We also now know where our heavy traffic is - and the builder put the seams of the current carpet in exactly those spots.  So now we'll get to put the seams in much better areas, too.  The carpet has needed to go for about six months but shopping and taking our time looking for the best deal has gotten us here.  But I think I'd do exactly the same thing again with another new house - pick crap knowing I will replace in about five years and see how things develop.  While we have the carpet out, we are cleaning the slab.

Funny story.  So I built this house before I met my hubby.  And during construction I'd go check on progress at least once a week.  Towards the end of construction I was going about three or four times a week.  I went in the house one day and they had all the dust and debris swept into nice neat little piles in each room.  I knew they were carpetting the next day so I assumed they'd clean those piles up before they actually laid the carpet.  I go back the next day to see the carpet.  And I walk into the gallery - room that the entry hall opens up to and room that leads to every throughway in the house, all hallways, all rooms, etc.  And right where there had been a debris pile the day before, I hear and feel a crunch as I walk over it.  I think 'no way'.  So I go to the study towards where a debris pile had been the day before...crunch.  I go to the family room to "the spot" and...crunch.  Yep.  Not one of those piles had been swept up.  I was pissed.  And there was nothing they could do because the carpet had already been stretched.

So that's another motivator for this project.  Get the slab clean...FINALLY.  And we will also paint the baseboards and trim.  We, i.e. my hubby, has painted all our ceilings and we want baseboards/trim/window sills to match that color.  And we want that color down to the slab, not down to the carpet.  He is also painting the guest room.  He just finished painting the nursery - it looks so awesome.  I can't wait to get carpet back in that room so that we can start our furniture shopping!!

What else?  Does this not sound like enough already?  Nah.

We are putting an outlet in the floor in the gallery - another major dust factory right there.  We put our christmas tree in that "room" and we have to run an extension cord across the path to plug our lights in.  We have outlets in the floor in the family room to avoid that extension cord across the path thing...so we will do that to our gallery and make sure we have no trip hazards.

What else?  Yep, still not done.

Hubby will also refinish our front door.  We have, what I think is, a beautiful mahogany door.  And like with most other things about this house, well, they could have done better about finishing that wood.  He will take the door down, strip it, sand it down in a few places where our dogs like to "greet" guests, then refinish and oil it.  He did this for a neighbor and knows the process is...not pleasant.  But with her door, he did the outside only - no dogs to greet guests.  Our door will get done on both sides.  Luckily, he did her door "too well" as far as sanding and stripping is concerned, so ours should actually be a little easier for him.

What else?

Notice that hubby is doing the lion's share of the work?  I can't play with chemicals so that means no painting, no cleaning the slab, no sealing the slab, no stripping the door, nothing.  But I am doing what I can.  Right now - I'm dusting.  A lot.  And washing dishes.  A lot.  We almost have all of our kitchen rewashed with cupboards cleaned out and reorganized.  As I go through everything Goodwill and/or the Salvation Army are making out like a bandit, as well as the local library.  We are changing our study from a study to a playroom so a ton of books will find a new home.  If I were the sort to do garage sales this would definitely be a good time to do so...but I just am not the sort to do so.

I guess this is enough to report.  Suffice it to say, free time isn't really free right now.  And I'm actually working at work!

In other news, we have names picked out.  We are reading our baby names book on the way to work and the way home each day.  It's so much fun to sit there and read out name after name after name that we have no interest in.  hehehe.  Anywho, I say "names", but really, it's "name".  If we have a girl - Chloe Elaine.  Elaine for my mom, Chloe cause we like it.  If we have a boy, he will have the name Andrew but we aren't sure whether that will be a first or middle and we aren't sure what that will go with yet.  And we'll see in two weeks, we hope, whether we need one girl, one boy, or two girls, or two boys names.

So that's all I got.  Sound like enough?

I hope y'all are well!  I promise, I will be back someday soon.  I am gone but I have not forgotten.  I can promise, when I go on bedrest, I know I'll be back for that span of time.  :)

05/17/11: Checking in...

Still not much going on with me. Not much to blog about when all I can say from day to day is "still growing babies".  But that really is about all I got.  And I'll take it.  I love it!  No news is good news, eh?

So the last time I blogged was May 6th.  Yikes.  I used to blog nearly every day and now I am not even averaging one a week.  What can I say?

What has happened in the last eleven days?  Let's see.  A weekend, a week, and another weekend.  The first weekend included Mother's Day.  I claimed it as my first even though some still call me a "to-be".  I've thrown my whole life and body into these babies, so I think I'm a mom.  Not getting into a whole variety of motherhood things, yet, but my life is forever changed at this point.  So I claimed it and it was great.  My MIL and Step-FIL came to visit that weekend and Hubby and I were pleasantly surprised to learn when they left that we did not want them to go.  WHAT?  What happened?  We've had great visits with them in the past - but were still happy to see them go.  We've had miserable visits with thism in the past, too - and were ecstatic when they left.  But this time.  They could have moved in and we'd have loved it!  MIL brought me flowers as a mother's day gift and Hubby treated us to a wonderful breakfast with chocolate covered strawberries afterwards on Mother's Day with cards placed neatly on our plates.  It was super sweet.  He also bought me flowers - my faves, tulips.

Funny thing happened with the flowers.  MIL bought me roses.  The roses were all but dead dead dead on Sunday night.  One little rose was hanging in there, though.  So I threw out the dead ones and took that single rose and cut it down to fit in a bud vase.  Well, while trimming the ends of my tulips, one single baby tulip fell out of the bunch.  It had a short stalk so I put that single tulip in with the single rose.  One white tulip and one pink rose.  The tulips hung in there for a few days.  But here we are, a week and a half later, and the single pink rose and single white tulip are still growing/going strong in their little bud vase.  And yes, they both grew.

I consider them one for each baby.  And I'd love to think that my pink rose is my baby girl and my white tulip is my baby boy.  We, by the way, are absolutely convinced that we are having a girl and a boy.  Won't know for sure for awhile, just the feeling we both have.

Anywho, so that was my first Mother's Day.  It took the sting off of what May 8th was. 
(If you didn't see my last blog, May 8th was the 7th anniversary of my mom's death.)

So then it gets into last week.  Nothing eventful on Monday.  But Tuesday.  Now Tuesday was eventful!

Tuesday, May 10th, was our 3 year anniversary.  The best 3 years of my life!  I am more in love with my Hubby than ever before - and we've spent the whole 4 years together in love.  He is my best friend and my greatest ally.  He is the person that I can't wait to get back to.  The last year has seen some trials as well as some celebrations and through it all we are stronger than ever.  I love my Husband so very much!

So this isn't all sap.  We also had our NT Scan on Tuesday.  What's an NT Scan?  If you don't already know...it's a Nuchal Translucency Scan.  It's an ultrasound meant to check for genetic disorders.  It's done in conjunction with bloodwork to give you stastical probabilities for something being "wrong".

Well...we've been nervous about our two little beans.  Were there still two?  Were they growing ok?  Were both of their hearts beating strongly?  Was everything ok?

We miscarried last time at 9 weeks and this time, well, we made it past 9 weeks...and we knew I was still pregnant, morning sickness being the dead giveaway...but we didn't know if we still had two babies in there.  I feared a vanishing twin, I feared many things.

We had purposefully set this appt to be on our anniversary thinking we could make a great day better.  But I realized two weeks ago, damnit, Lori, we could have made a great day bad.  Sigh.  Impossible to change the appt by that time, these NT Scans have to happen within a certain window and my doc and ultrasound tech are booked weeks in advance.  So we were praying that our anniversary, May 10th, could stay a great day.

We went out to lunch before our appt and had a nice anniversary lunch.  Then we went to our appt.  And

ALL WAS PERFECT

It really couldn't have been better!  There are still two babies.  The "little" one, Baby A, who measured three days behind last time, caught up and measured perfectly for the gestational age this time.  It wasn't a worry last time, she was still within range, but it's nice to think she is right on target, now.  Baby B, who measured one day behind last time, also picked up a day and is perfectly on target as well.  Their little hearts were beating strong and well, their growth, is good...and THERE ARE STILL TWO BABIES!

We think Baby A is our girl and Baby B is our boy.

Hubby and I were both so incredibly relieved!  We feel so much peace, now.  Of course, we know things can still go "wrong" but it all just feels so ok at this point.  My doc was thrilled for us, too.  He was beaming ear to ear.  He told us our chances of a miscarriage at this point are next to nil, our chances of genetic disorders are less than 1% and our chances of cardiac defects are less than 3%.

We left the appt dancing on air.  It was awesome.  A great day got better!  From there we went home to take a nap and promptly spent the remainder of the afternoon calling those closest to us to share the great news.  Finally, we headed to FIL and step-MIL's neck of the woods to see our niece graduate from Kindergarten then had a family dinner with almost all of that side of the family.  That was a great way to end a great day!

So what else?  Not much else from last week.  This past weekend was a 65th birthday celebration for one of our dearest friends/neighbors.  She has done so much for us so we opened our home to help host her out of town family.  We had a full house and it was wonderful.  She had a cookout to welcome all of the out of towners on Friday and we finished that off with a splash in our pool Friday night.  Then her daughter threw a formal birthday party for her on Saturday complete with an Elvis impersonator and all (she is still Elvis' No. One Fan!).  We followed that with an after party at our house with people enjoying our backyard and pool.  I love having such great ways to entertain!  Sunday was a down day for me as it's been go-go-go-go-go lately and, well, these babies don't like me when I try to be my normal self.

And that's about it.  Life is good!  I pray that it can just stay this way!

05/06/11: Howdy

I seem to rarely blog nowadays.  It seems a common thing among the pregnant bandsters to still blog on occasion, but not like pre-pregnancy.  I mean, I can't add much to the world of weightloss with a band.  And I don't know if y'all want incessant drivel about what consumes me nowadays - my babies.

I don't know that I ever really declared that this is a lap-band only blog, though.  And I am tempted to make it be more than just bandster - which it really is anyway. 

Anywho...

Things are good.  We just got back from Las Vegas.  We went for five days and stayed at Planet Hollywood for three nights and Mandalay Bay for two.  We had our hotel rooms upgraded to suites in both cases and comped, as well.  Apparently we gambled "enough" last year.  :)  We love Vegas, that's for sure.  This time we got ourselves a car, too, and that was incredibly nice.  We did some exploring that we would not have even attempted to think about let alone do if we hadn't had a car.

And now it's nice to be home.  My "morning" sickness is not yet gone although, luckily, it gave me a break in Vegas.  And by break I don't mean that it went away just that it wasn't what it normally is.  I am still having to eat literally "what sounds good" and if I attempt to eat something other than what strikes at the moment, I'll pay a price.  So long as I go with that strikes at the moment thing, well, I can manage.  I have also figured out, now that I am back at work and in the land of the alarm clocks, that alarm clocks make it worse.  On weekends it's not as bad.  And the whole time in Vegas, sans alarm clock, not as bad.  But come workdays with the danged clock beeping me awake...yeah, "morning" sickness sucks.  And no, I don't think it's a mind over matter thing, to be honest, I think it's a making my body do something outside of it's natural timeline thing.  Without the alarm clock I'm still up early.  It's just that the alarm clock gets me up about 30-45 minutes earlier than my body wants to.  Without the alarm clock I feel well rested and ready to go.  With the alarm clock I feel groggy and dizzy and icky.  That 30-45 minutes makes a big difference and the morning sickness seems to go from there.

Funny stuff.  I can say, it does seem to be getting better.  It was the worst last week. I'm now in week 12 and it is definitely subsiding.  So hopefully soon it will be a thing of the past.

What else.  Well, it's barely Friday morning and I am already ready for this weekend to be over.  We have visitors coming and while I love these visitors, I would so much rather have this weekend to be down.  Two reasons.  One - 5 days in Vegas.  Two - Sunday, May 8th is the 7th anniversary of my mom's death.  And it just so happens to fall exactly on Mother's Day this year.  I'd much rather not have to entertain people after an exhausting week on a day that's incredibly personal to me.  But I wasn't given a choice.  Our visitors said "we are coming, it's the only weekend we can, so you guys can shift things around if it's a problem" and that was settled, in their minds' anyway.  The theory at the moment is that they will get going early on Sunday which would leave Hubby and I with the day to ourselves.  I really hope that's how it works out - because that is the ONLY thing I want.  And while I'm still a mother to be and not yet really a mom, I'm still claiming this as my first mother's day.  So for my first mother's day to be packed with such a punch...well...sadness.

Of course, being pregnant, there is OH. SO. MUCH. I wish I could be talking to my mom about right now.  I know a lot about her pregnancy with me.  She just talked to me like that.  But now there are things I am experiencing and I want to call HER and say "did this happen to you?"  I don't want to call my aunt or my grandmother or my MIL.  I WANT MY MOM!

So this is kinda a tough weekend.

What else.  Not much else.  We are getting ready to re-carpet the house - and paint paint paint.  I say "we" but, really, I'm just helping to pick out the colors and Hubby is really handling it.  We have our nursery colors picked out and will probably paint in a couple of weeks.  We have guests this weekend as well as next (although next weekend, they are literally just sleeping there because "they" are family of a neighbor who just needed more bedrooms than she has).  We will probably paint the weekend after that.  And somewhere in there we are buying a new car, too.  Yeah, we have a tiny little Honda Accord Coupe.  Love the car.  But the car cannot even remotely handle two babies.  If we were having a singleton, we'd make the car work.  But with twins, yeah, the car has got to go.  Sadness. Kinda.  I mean, I love the car.  And I will miss it.  It's fun to drive.  But I REALLY love the reason why it's gotta go. 

So kinda a crazy month for us.  Lots of ducks and we are starting to get them into a row.

I hope all is well out there.  I am reading...but not commenting much.  But I am reading, that I promise.

A shoutout for Ashleigh

Hey y'all.  Ashleigh at Wallflower...Step Aside is having surgery on May 12th and has a few questions and anxieties about being banded.  I think she could really use some support right now so please show the blogland love to a new blogger with a goal.

04/21/11: I feel like I should post something

But I don't have all that much going on.  I am still dealing with morning sickness - but other than that, I actually don't feel all that pregnant.  I keep thinking my boobs should hurt more and while they are tender when my dog jumps on them, they don't really hurt otherwise.  And my boobies have never liked my dog jumping on them - something he manages to do fairly often.

Anywho.  Not much with me.  I'm at 10 weeks now and I'm seriously hoping that "morning" sickness goes away with this trimester.  We don't have our next Dr. appt/ultrasound until May 10th and that seems so far away.  It's killing me, in ways.  I just want to know these babies are ok!

What else.  Well...not losing weight.  heeheehee.  I'm eating like a friggin pig and I can't seem to gain.  In all, I have gained a whole whopping 1 pound.  I was up 4 at one point but then the pounds fell back off.  It's so weird to eat and eat and eat and not gain anything. 

Along with the not gaining, bandster rules are completely out the window - not that I really followed them anyway.  Pre-pregnancy I loved my veggies and I also loved my fruit smoothies in the morning.  I ate all my protein without thinking about it but I also ate my carbs.  Well, now, pregnant, I can't stand most veggies and the fruit smoothie makes me sick.  I am getting in protein, although probably not enough for all three of us; but I'm certainly getting plenty of carbs for us all.  It's insane - if I don't eat my carbs, I get sick.  I'm eating lots of cereal so that I don't feel entirely guilty about the carb consumption.  Healthy grain types of cereals, no sugars...but it's still a ton.

Not that I'm worried about any of it - I am not worried at all about my eating.  My nutrition is still balanced and most importantly, even with all the morning sickness, I am getting calories in.  That's what I care about.  And I haven't turned to crazy junk, with the exception of ramen noodles.  Anywho, I'm just putting this out there because it's a difference, not because I'm concerned about it.

Oh, some funny food things!  I love tomatoes now.  Not pregnant I generally hate tomatoes.  But right now - a perfect dinner is carbs, ground beef and tomatoes.  Yep - spaghetti.  Not pregnant, I hate spaghetti.  Pregnant - I could eat that every night.  Or chili.  Or some sort of ground beef smothered in tomatoes.  It's so bizarre!  If I start to like pickles, well, that will be the ultimate "What. Is.  Happening.  to me!?!"

What else...

Not much.  Can you believe I've written this much about not much already?  I guess I'll sign off here.  I am still alive and I'm still out there.  I'm not good about reading blogs right now - staring at a computer screen does numbers on my tummy, but I am reading as much as I can.

I hope all is well with y'all and that you've had a good week and will have a good weekend!

04/12/11: 365 days ago

Well, you haven't heard much from me lately.  There's two reasons.  One, morning sickness.  Two, severe exhaustion.  I'm literally sleeping 12-13 hours a night with a 3-4 hour nap during the day when I can.  It's insane.  I'd say I'm tired of sleeping...but I'm just tired.

Anywho.  I can't miss today.  365 days ago I was banded.  And I really want to do a "what's changed" post.

I'm gonna write this based on not being pregnant.  Why?  Because, my band is currently completely deflated and I can barely tell it's there, right now.  There is a very common thing with pregnant women, I've found, that you eat what sounds good - and health be damned.  If I don't eat what sounds good - I guarantee, it's coming back up.  And what sounds good goes against bandster basics.  I don't care.  I'm not gaining.  And these babies need their sustenance.  Some calories are better than none, afterall.  It is not unnoticed with me, though, that it would be incredibly easy to be just eating what you want - and then to continue that long after the babies are born - that would be a disaster.  I can see that many women have done what they had to do to get through the first trimester...but then it's a habit...and if the habit isn't kicked to the curb once babies are born, it becomes a weight problem.

Anywho.  So being banded.

Well, it's a blessing.  There is no other way to put it.  I am pregnant with twins and I can (and did) get the band completely unfilled so that I can do what I need to to sustain these babies and me, a little, too.  This is not an option with any other WLS.  This is why I chose the band. 

What's changed?

1. I've lost 70 pounds altogether.  12 during what I call "the unweightloss program" which was my insurance requirements.  14 during my pre-op diet.  And the remainder (44) with the band.
1. Could this have been more?  Sure.  Why isn't it?  Because of:
1. A pregnancy in October that led to a miscarriage in November
2. Not having a backup plan for dealing with a miscarriage and allowing myself to eat through my emotions in Nov/Dec.
3. Another pregnancy, current, that is now considered "viable".
2. This will be more after these babies are born.  I will have this tool for the rest of my life to help me deal with all of my ups and downs.
2. Food no longer controls me.  I am still very interested in food.  I am one of those of the mindset that I do not want to be so tight  that any foods are on my do-no-eat list.  I have been there and it's miserable.  I can eat anything I want to in "normal" amounts and I'm satisfied.
3. I realized my compulsion for carbs and I have learned to control that compulsion.
4. I realized that, for me, eating right is "just part" of the equation.  It doesn't work to eat right and still eat too much.  Nor does it work to eat right and not work out.  The band helps me control my portions.  The band even keeps my mind in the workout game.  You don't go through surgery to only half-assedly commit.
5. I feel like I truly do control my weight.  Once upon a time, I felt like my weight controlled me.  I could do what I wanted but I would pay a price.  Now, I can do what I want and there is no price to pay.  I don't suffer for enjoying life anymore - and once upon a time, I did.  Once upon a time, if I went to a football game with friends, and tailgated before hand, on my feet, bbq-ing and playing football, then stood through a game, then walked a mile to my car, I'd be laid up for a couple of days.  Now, I just do.  Once upon a time, if I threw a backyard pool party, cleaned and scrubbed the house before hand, hosted throughout, and even enjoyed my pool and my food I was cooking, I'd be laid up for days.  Now, I just do.  I no longer pay for living my life. 
6. If I don't lose another pound, post-partum, I'll be ok.  I know without a doubt I can chase my kids around my house, I can do cartwheels with them on the lawn, I can teach them to swim and to cook and to garden.  I can do whatever I want with my kids with the changes I have already made.  Any more is for vanity - and yes, I do care - but for my health, I now believe I can live a long life watching my babies grow up.
7. Ironically, my BMI is still considered obese.  I am sitting at 30.1.  Yep.  30.1.  Two tenths of a point and I'll be "overweight".  I don't consider myself obese.  I am a lot of muscle.  I have a very healthy heart - with my last stress test, it ranked as a 24 yo heart - and that was before losing 70 pounds.  I can't imagine that got worse.  :)  My LDL and HDL levels are finally normal.  My glucose is better than it's been since I was 22.  Never in pre-diabetic range, but it raised a few eyebrows along the way and now it elicits compliments.  My blood pressure is sitting around 112/65 - and also elicits compliments.  My resting heartrate is 58 - that of an athlete. 
1. Carrying two babies should cause that to climb and it's climbed to all of 65 - eliciting a gazillion compliments nowadays.  Most people aren't in that range when they aren't pregnant.
8. The biggest one - I feel like I can get to my goal weight, 142. 
1. So, some people say they want to get to goal and then they'll get pregnant. 
2. I. Could. Not. Do. That.
3. I know that following pregnancy I will  have to lose weight.  And my mind would be resentful of getting to goal and then having to lose again.  I'd so much rather be healthy for pregnancy and know that I'm still losing for me.  I won't be losing pregnancy weight, I'll be losing weight I needed to lose anyway.
4. I know that losing weight postpartum will be more difficult.  Time won't be what it was for me before.  No longer will I be able to go home and spend my evening in the gym followed by a relaxing bath and crawling into bed to read a book.  Nope, this will be a challenge, in comparison, postpartum.  It will be doable because I will make it so - and this period won't last forever, anyway.  But, postpartum - that will be my life.  My life before pregnancy - that was luxurious filled with excessive amounts of freetime.  That was a time spent wishing for what's to come.  What's to come - will be an achievement for me.  And the exclamation point on that achievement will be showing my kids a healthy lifestyle which includes not only healthy eating but a good exercise routine as well.  I will be able to incorporate them into my routine with walking and swimming.  I will be able to show them that what they learn when they join their first swim team or soccer team or basketball team or go to their first dance classes or gymnastic classes - that will stay with them for life.
9. I know that plastics are in my future.  My belly has issues.  Losing more will further illuminate those issues - and ballooning with my bump will only make that "worse".  To me, that will be the day the weightloss chapter closes, when I get close enough to goal that plastics are feasible.  I used to read on so many blogs women who love their battle scars, love the stretchmarks and the roadmaps that their stomachs have become.  I used to think, when I'd read that, eck, I can't ever love my belly.  Now I look at my belly and the bloat currently associated with what will be a HUGE bump...and I. Love. It.  I can't wait to see what becomes of the tattoo on my hip, already stretched out and, currently, to me, gross.  I can't wait to see how the current stretchmarks change, whether they become more pronounced, deeper, darker.  I can't wait to see all of what happens to my belly.  I used to look at it and say "this is what I did to me" and now all I can see is a blank slate for these twins to embellish.  When I am at goal, I will have a roadmap that shows where I came from and who it helped along the way.  Finally, I see beauty!

If I had it to do all over again, I would.  The band has helped me change my life - change it back to what it was meant to be.  The band is a tool that will always adapt with me and for me; and I love that.  I love that I control it - and it helps me stay in control of oh so much.

Happy Birthday, My Lady.  I can't wait to see what our next year together brings!!!

03/31/11: Checking in...

Howdy y'all.

What a week!  I haven't really been at work much this week which is why you haven't heard a peep from me.

So, where to start?  The spontaneous trip to Austin to see my aunts and uncles?  Or the ultrasound on Monday?

Ok, Austin it is.

I have mentioned in the past that I have an aunt who is fighting brain cancer married to a man that is battling lung cancer.  I have not given any updates on that, though, as, well, it's depressing.  An aunt and an uncle from California came in at the end of last week to visit the two of them.  My uncle just had a lung resection where they removed the entire lobe that was cancer stricken.  In the middle of that surgery, he had a massive heart attack.  To say he isn't doing well would be an understatement.  My aunt, the one with the brain cancer, well, she's not really herself anymore.  Brain cancer can do that to a person.  So my aunt and uncle came to visit.  This is a brother/sister combo - brother and sister to the aunt with brain cancer - all aunts/uncle to me.  Anywho, we knew this visit was coming up and weren't trying to invade on anyone's visits, so we didn't volunteer to drive up immediately.  Last thurs, the aunt that lives in Austin said "come up" and we said "we have plans" (cause we did).

Friday, my uncle sends me a message on Facebook.  "come up." and we thought 'a little warning might have been nice cause we could have set up our plans differently.'  Then, Saturday, the visiting aunt, who knew our news already, called so that we could share the news with the rest of the crowd.  Unfortunately, the call went to voicemail as we were out to lunch with a neighbor.  In her message, she said "we really wish we could see you guys".

Ironically, our plans changed at the last minute.  We were originally going to spend Sunday with my hubby's Dad and Step-mom but she was unable to do Sunday so asked if we could switch the visit to dinner Saturday night.  We said sure - as that freed up Sunday so that I could have a much desired day to just chill.  My energy is flat out G.  O.  N.   E.

So with the final aunt saying "come up" and Sunday now clear, hubby and I looked at each other at 2pm on Saturday and said "let's go".  FIL and step-MIL came down with our niece (5 yo) who spent about two hours in our pool.  It was a long shot to bring her suit - we hadn't checked the temp of the water in a couple weeks but were surprised to learn as she was changing into her swimsuit that our pool is already 78 degrees.  It's friggin MARCH, people!  We don't usually get to temps like that until the end of May.  I know many of you have had the winter from hell, and so have we - it's TOO DAMNED HOT!  I am scared scared scared for how blistering hot this summer will be if it's already steadily 90 in MARCH!  No, don't tell me you'd rather.  You really really wouldn't.  Not here.  In Houston.  With 100% humidity.

So anywho, our niece swam for a couple of hours and then we went out to dinner.  We shared our news with FIL and step-MIL and were absolutely blown away by their responses.  Hugs that told us all the joy that was felt, tears from a man who can't show emotion.  It was amazing.

And after dinner, we headed out to Austin.  My aunts house is full up with her brother and sister and my uncle's sister.  So we stayed the night at a friend's (who's more like a sister) house just down the street.  She and her husband stayed up for us and to say we appreciate the room and the effort would be an understatement.  We didn't get in until 11:30pm.

Sunday we were up early to go spend the day with my family.  And it was a wonderful day - although sad.  My uncle is not doing well at all.  He looks bad - but his brain is fully intact.  My aunt is not doing well at all, either.  She, on the other hand, looks great - but her brain is not fully intact.  It's heartbreaking.  Absolutely heartbreaking.  She'd go to the kitchen to wash her hands, for example, get to the sink, then wonder what she was doing there.  Someone has to follow her around relentlessly "keeping her on task".  My uncle, on the other hand, is very aware of what he wants to do - but being in an upright position for 15 minutes requires a 2 hour nap.

I think the great thing that came of our visit, though, is that our good news really cheered up their home.  My uncle's sister held me in a hug with tears falling as we were getting ready to leave thanking me for giving her brother some good news and some hope.  My aunt has a 5% chance of surviving - but the odds of conceiving twins naturally is less than 3% - so strange things happen.  If they are going to survive, hope has to be at the root of it all.  When we left, late Sunday evening, all parties felt hope again.  That was wonderful.

Anywho...that's our spontaneous trip to Austin.

Which led to me being thoroughly and incredibly exhausted.  My Sweet Hubby and I both thought I'd be able to sleep in the car on the way up as well as on the way home.  Nope.  I could not get comfortable.  I could not beat the feeling that I was about to puke.  Nope.  It was just an incredibly long trip in the car.  Oh well - it was worth it.

Monday, we were able to sleep in before we headed off to our ultrasound appt.  And that went very very well.  We had two good strong heartbeats and two healthily growing babies.  A good chunk of our risk for a miscarriage just dropped off.  They say that 90% of pregnances that achieve good heart rates with baby or babies ends up a successful pregnancy.  We have now crossed into territory where we never were with our first pregnancy.  This pregnancy has now been declared "viable" and many future appts were booked.  We find out the sexes of the babies on July 11th!

By the time we were done there, it was nearly 2pm - so driving an hour and a half to work seemed futile.  We called our bosses who both said, yeah, see ya tomorrow.  So we went home and slept.

Tuesday - was a half day for me.  I went and got myself a complete unfill!  Wanna hear something strange?  According to records I should have had 3.7cc's of fluid left in the band.  Given all the fills and unfills and whatnot since surgery - and including surgery.  You know how much was pulled out?  5cc's.

They told me that when they do the first fill they "prime" the band by filling it then removing all fluid and air then filling it again.  But sometimes the way things unfold, air actually traps some of the priming fluid in there so you end up with more than they thought you had.  So, at my peak, instead of thinking I had 4.7cc's I now know I had 6cc's.

From there it was to the dentist followed by a massage followed by dinner with a friend in town on business.

Yeah...Hubby isn't getting that the more I do, the worse I feel.

So yesterday it all caught up with me.

And what used to be just queasiness is now full on sickness.  Ugh.  I seriously hope I'm one of those that loses "morning sickness" by week 12.  Sadly...that's still 4 weeks away...

That's about all I got.  Things are well.  I'm trying my best to get Hubby to understand I need to slow down.  If I slow down..I feel better.  It's a pretty simple equation.  We are looking at a crazy busy weekend this weekend with one of Hubby's best friends visiting from Denver and birthday parties and memorial services and a brunch.  Ugh.  I need to chill!  Next weekend and the weekend after that and the weekend after that don't look good, either.  I don't see this unfolding well given how I feel today...and it could get worse...from what I understand - it probably will.  Ugh.  I hope that's wrong, though!!

03/24/11: OMG

My life seems to be all about the "OMG's" nowadays.

Take for example my eating.  Good God I am a pig!  And I mean a pig.  I'm eating more than I ever did to get to my heaviest - and I'm losing weight.

My BMI is at 30.3.  I am so very close to being out of the obese category - but obese I still am.  Because of that, well, I have to gain, since it's twins, but instead of shooting for 45 pounds (if I was just overweight), now I get to shoot for 24-30.  I am supposed to hit 24 by 24 weeks - and I'm 6 weeks, so I have 18 weeks to do this.  Then, in the later stages, I get to slow down and just try to get 10 more pounds or so.

Well, good news is I'M HUNGRY.  I think I've established that.  What does this mean?  Let's look at how I ate yesterday.

Breakfast - smoothie is now 6oz instead of 3.  That 6oz has 40g protein and my full serving of fruits for the day.  (I'm supposed to shoot for 4 servings of fruit a day now.)  ~400 calories
mid-morning snack - crackers of some sort.  I am totally craving Goldfish, Saltines, or Fritos right now.  So yesterday it was fritos.  A full serving.  ~160 calories.
lunch - a protein and veggie saute combo.  Yesterday was pork and all my veggies.  Leftovers from dinner, essentially.  Was eating 4oz.  Now eating 6oz.  Mentally I want to eat more but my tummy gets squeamish with protein, so I'm doing what I can.  ~400 calories.
early mid-afternoon snack - a cheese stick.  ~160 calories.
mid mid afternoon snack - The other of the goldfish, saltine, or frito serving I have on hand so yesterday it was the goldfish.  ~160 calories.
late mid-afternoon snack - 4oz of yogurt with 1oz of granola.  ~300 calories.
snack when I get home - handful of fritos or banana chips.  ~120 calories
dinner - last night was a lamb sirloin steak with mashed potatoes and edamame.  ~500 calories.
late evening snack - another handful of banana chips.  ~120 calories.
early bedtime snack - a handful of fritos.  ~120 calories.
late bedtime snack - 4oz of yogurt with 1oz of granola.  ~300 calories.

That is 2740 calories.  I've been told to strive for 2700 calories a day.  Can you believe that?  Can your bandster mind even wrap itself around that?  Mine can't.  It absolutely can't!  But I also know that if I don't eat often and if I skimp on carbs - my tummy gets all upset and acts like the world will turn upside down. Food and carbs really are the only things that are making me feel ok-ish.

But get this.  I ate ALL OF THAT yesterday.  And I lost nearly 2 pounds!

Argh!!!!  How will I ever gain 24 pounds if I eat friggin 2700 calories a day and lose?

Insane.

Usually, I get on the scale every morning and it says something then I do a thing or two around the bathroom like brush my teeth and take a shower, then get back on the scale and lose two pounds.  Now, I'm getting back on the scale and praying that I'll have magically gained a pound.

Yesterday I was constantly eating - or so it felt.  When I'm not eating, damn but am I guzzling in water.  My meager intake from before pregnancy has doubled.  I'd say I averaged around 80oz of water a day pre-pregnancy and now...well...around all that damned eating, I'm drinking at least 150oz.

So yeah, when I'm not eating, I'm drinking.  When I'm not drinking, I'm peeing.  And all the veggies I'm getting plus all the fiber we add to our morning smoothie - yeah...um...plumbing works!

I was laying in bed last night reading my book on how multiples pregnancies are different than singletons.  With singletons, you don't have to worry so much about weightgain, or so it seems.  You don't want to be losing and there are physiological reasons I now know of that really make it worth our while to eat right - and enough - and to not fight the weightgain...but with multiples, it seems, how I eat right now really can affect their birthweight.  If I don't eat enough and I rely on my fat stores even slightly, they'll be 4 lbs or less.  If I eat right and throw weightloss 100% out the window - I can get them to 6 lbs.  6 lbs for twins is awesome, from what I'm reading.

But it's soooooo verrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyy weird!  How do I throw out 1200 calories a day?  How do I even throw out the notion that "i just need 300 more calories a day per kid".  That's such a stupid blanket statement, though, and it doesn't hold except for the person that was at the most optimal and idealistic weight.  How do I switch from 1200 a day - which I rarely achieve - to 2700 a day - which is more than double that?  Ok, so turns out I can make the switch - but my brain is baffled.  My brain says "damn you're a pig!"

But my tummy says thank you and gives me a reprieve from the constant turmoil and nausea.  If I stop eating...I feel it - and I feel horrible.  If I eat, I feel fine.  If I eat...I can work out.  But damn, working out isn't going to help me gain.  So now, for every calorie I'm burning working out...I just have to eat that much more.  Dangit!  :)

I'll be curious to see how this unfolds.  Right now I'd love to see a pound jump on the scale.  I'm in my seventh week right now and I suspect (need to read more book) that I should already be seeing a pound or two added on.  And I'm not.  In fact, I'm two down, total.  I swear I'm eating, though.  My lunchbox thingy feels like it weighs a ton.  I'm keeping food in the car and beside the bed.  I am literally, now, supposed to eat a bedtime snack.  That goes against everything we know as bandsters.  I am supposed to eat something dairy for that snack.  Again, goes against what I've been told as a bandster.  The idea that we should pursue low fat, lean protein - yeah out the window.  Go for the fat, they say.  The healthy ones, specifically, the avocados and olive oils and nuts and such - not a fat streak in a steak.  But dangit, all I've been working toward for over a year now...throw it out, it's wrong.  I'm also reading that what I'm doing now - I'll continue through breast feeding.  A year and a half of eating like this is bound to make habits.

Thank God for the band! 

I'm going for that complete unfill next week - but I know on the other side of all of this, getting the band reflated  :) is really going to help me turn this back around.

So.  Very.  Weird.

To break it down specifically, I now need 110g protein, 275g carbs, 73g fats.  6 servings of protein, 4 servings fruit, 4 servings veggies, 8 servings of dairy, 8 servings of grains, 8 servings of healthy fats.

How do you think you'd feel, as a bandster or a weightloss mindset person, to switch to that?

(Disclaimer - I am not necessarily looking for affirmation that it's ok. I know it's ok.  The point of this post is to show how very different the thinking is - and how odd my brain is finding that now.  I am laughing all the way through writing this.  I am not questioning this, doubting it, or resisting it.  I am eating and will continue to do so - because if I don't, I feel horrible.  This post is simply to show how very different it is - and how easy it might be to continue these habits long after breast-feeding has stopped; that would be a recipe for a disaster - then.)

Oh yeah, I'm still reading, too.  I hope to be caught up by the end of the week...i.e. tomorrow.  :)

Ronnie - I'm calling you out!  Please tell me everything you can about your experience!  Did you ever hear of or read anything by Dr. Barbara Luke?

03/22/11: I'm reading

I've been a bad follower.  I'm consumed with what's taking over my body and I haven't been reading.

I'm reading now.  I'll blog again when I get re-acquainted with y'all!

Or when I have super duper news or pics to share.

03/21/11: OMG

How many do you count?

03/18/11: Yay for Friday's!!!

I told you yesterday that I was hungry.  Member that?  I specifically said "FEED ME".  Member that?

I'm sure you do.  I'm sure your whole purpose in life is to memorize my blog.  I know these things.

So, I'm eating.  Last night for dinner, ready for this?  I ate until I was satisfied - not full.  I wasn't full.  I could have eaten more.  Ready for this?  A salad with the best ginger dressing in the world.  3 pieces of pan fried gyoza.  2 pieces of sushi.  And nearly a whole sizzling shrimp plate - about 8 shrimp and tons of veggies.

Ok, so I won't mention that lunch was "only" almonds and peanuts.  Not the plan, don't worry, I had every intention of eating a real lunch and my plan blew up in my face leaving me with only what I had at my desk to eat.  Oh yeah, and a serving size bag of Chili Cheese Fritos.  Good healthy lunch - HA!  Breakfast - typical smoothie and typical coffee (1/3 caf).

I'm eating.  There aint no way out of that - even with only peanuts and almonds for lunch, I am definitely eating.

And today?  I lost weight.  If I lose another pound tomorrow - I'll be at an all time low - at least on this journey.  Apparently my body REALLY  likes my hormones being UP.  Although I am a crying mess already.

I've been eating like this for days now; I can't believe how drastically my appetite has picked up.  Normally, I'd have 4 or 5 shrimp for dinner and a few veggies.  Normally, I'd have 3-4oz of either chicken salad or leftover "stir-fry" for lunch.

Don't worry, our stir fry is not what you think it is.  It's chicken or pork (shredded) with all the veggies you can think of.  And the "sauce" is 3 tbsp olive oil, juice of half a lemon, dash of seasalt, and then whatever herbs you like (that's enough sauce for 1lb of protein and 1 bunch of asparagus, 4 crowns of broccoli, 1/4 snow peas, 1/2 box of mushrooms, 3 zucchini, 1/2 red onion, and 1 bell pepper).  I like an Italian Herb mix or Herbes de Prevence, usually.  So that's our stir-fry.  Not salt laden typical Chinese stir-fry.

Anywho, it's interesting to me to be able to eat when I'm hungry and eat until I'm satisfied - not full.  It's like this is how this is supposed to work, ya know?  I eat when I'm hungry and that's it.  I'm not worried about calories - I'm worried about nutrition.  I feel like my body will tell me if I'm not doing enough to support the baby.  I feel like my body will tell me what I need.  To me, that's what the band has given me - the ability to pay attention to what I feel like.

Because of the crazy unfill I had to have at the end of February my clinic wanted me to come back at the end of this month for a follow-up.  I don't know what I think about a fill vs. unfill vs. just leaving it alone.  I know for damned sure I don't want a fill.  I kinda feel like I could actually stand to lose a little more fill, maybe as much as 0.5cc's (little, eh? - read sarcastically).  And then I also think I could leave it alone.  Today, right now, my fill level is fine.  I'm afraid, though, that when the baby really starts to grow - and so does my belly - and when my organs start to push northwards, well, I think I could be in trouble at that point.  I also think that if I wait until that point - it might be harder to find the port.  So...I am leaning towards even more of an unfill in about a week and a half.  Like I said, maybe as much as 0.5cc's.  Hell...maybe even more.  I can see merit in just removing ALL of the fluid.  I can really see how that would be wise to do proactively.

Right now it's not an issue.  But at five months, it might start to become one and at nine months it might be an insane issue.  I don't want to repeat what happened in February - especially not when I'm sustaining two.

Oh yeah, and the coffee...well, back before we started trying again, we took our fave (Moka Java, which we can only find in full caf) and diluted that with our second fave (Columbian), which we can get in decaf.  So it was about half and half.  Then I found another bag of coffee in our freezer that was also decaf, again Columbian, so I diluted again.  If it was 1/3 caf I'd be surprised cause poundage wise there was far more of the decaf than there was of the caf.  Yesterday we went and bought more decaf to add to our already diluted mix.  So I'm pretty sure caffeine is pretty low.  It's not nothing, because there is still some of the Moka Java in there...but it's pretty minimal.  I added 1.5lbs of decaf to about .33 pounds of the diluted mix.  When this is gone, I will go to all decaf.  I have also cut out all other sources of caffeine.  I'm surprised at how easy it's been.  When I want a soda (which I do, typically every day, one, that is) I grab a 7-Up or Sprite or Ginger Ale.  Most of the time, it's just plain ol water - which I can say, consumption of has definitely increased.  My body just wants it.  I know they say that we can have caffeine, nowadays anyway.  Most things/docs say 1-2 cups of coffee or 2-3 sodas or whatever combo you want (including chocolate) that keeps you under 200mg.  I find, though, and it was the same way last time, that I really just don't want it. 

I am so ready for the weekend.  We love the NCAA tourney and I know we have a ton of basketball on our radar for the weekend.  Works for me!  I'll watch basketball all day long and lift weights in between sitting sessions.  Sounds like a wonderful weekend to me!

I hope y'all have a great one, too!

03/17/11: Ayup

I got nothing.  I just feel the need to blog.

Isn't that a nice change from my whiny, depressing, angry, sad, frustrated posts of the past four months or so?

It's amazing how a peestick can change your outlook.

So, I'm pregnant.  All the bloodwork and peesticks say say.  We established that a couple days ago.  So, being pregnant, well, things are changing.  And I'm taking notes - as I tend to do.

It's so different this time.  Still not dealing with morning sickness - like last time - knock wood.  But other than that, it's all different.  Here's the differences...

• This time - my uterus is growing faster than I can say "pregnant".  I know this because I feel every twinge and twang that my uterus throws at me and it's twinging and twanging like crazy.  Last time - those twinges and twangs didn't start up that quickly and when they did, the twinges and twangs were fewer and further between.
• This time - I AM HUNGRY.  FEED ME!  Last time - food, meh.
• This time - good wholesome quality food is appealing.  Last time - junk.
• This time - gassy gassy gassy.  Last time - not gassy...but then again, nothing was passing...  :)
• This time - freezing cold skin while my core feels like it's boiling.  And even though my skin is cold as cold can be, I am sweating like crazy.  Which, of course, makes my skin even colder.  UGH.  I am a boiling hot frozen mess.  That makes no sense.  I'm walking around making my friends feel my arms...look, I'm cold - but I'm sweating.  They are baffled, too.  My core feels hot on the inside, though, so I understand the sweating but the cold skin is just annoying.  Last time - no change.  I wasn't hotter OR colder. 

I am at 5 weeks a few days right now.  My hCG beta levels continued to rise through Monday "like a textbook pregnancy" but my progesterone has continually dropped.  So I'm supplementing EVEN MORE.  I have my first ultrasound next Monday and will see my doc for my "New OB" appt on April 5th.  So long as everything is fine on Monday, then I think my stress might drop a bit.

Husband and I are scared.  While it's different this time and, oddly, even just "feels" better...it's still scary.  I REALLY do not want to repeat what happened last time.  I really don't.  I like having my happy self back.  I like thinking that our lives are going to change drastically by the end of this year.  I think one of the coolest things that has changed this time, though, is that I am so totally in the moment.  I am not excited about what is to come.  I, instead, am pleased about what's happening right now.  That was not the case with the previous pregnancy.

In other news, my PCP sent me to an endocrinologist, whom I saw yesterday.  He's a riot.  I really really like this guy.  I took all my lab results to him from my PCP and my neurologist.  He complimented the neuro because she tested everything.  I mean, they pulled 12 vials.  She tested everything.  Well, not really, cause when those results came back - I had to go back to the lab for more testing.  But he was pleased with what he saw.

He said:

1. I'm super healthy.  Based on the numbers he was seeing for things like glucose, creatine, WBC, RBC - and all the basics - that I obviously take very good care of my body.
1. Wow, thank you for telling me that.
2. Based on the numbers for some other tests, my body was not the cause of the miscarriage.  Because of the timing of the miscarriage, essentially when the baby's endocrine system would have been taking over for the baby, well it was probably a "chromosomal incompatibility" and there wasn't anything I could have done differently. 
1. I further that to say my body took care of me.  I know that happens with pregnancies.  Sometimes the mother's body recognizes that the baby will kill you if it doesn't naturally abort.
2. Somehow, that's given me some peace.
3. I definitely have an endocrine system problem.  For the pregnancy, he won't treat it because my problem is hyper and for pregnancy we want hyper.  After the pregnancy, he probably will.
4. My problem explains my weight problem.  It explains my heart palpitations.  It explains my itchy skin.  IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
5. I love this guy!

So, I alluded to my problem, weight problem, that is, being a two component thing on Monday.  One component was definitely me.  It was my protection measure after being raped.  I let it pile on - and assumed when I was ready, I'd decide to drop it and I would.  That didn't happen.  The other component, though, I always claimed was hormones.  I have proof, now.

My TSH has always been wacky.  It's either been low or just barely inside the normal range.  I mean like, normal range, depending on the tester, is considered .45-4.5 - and I'd be .45.  I've always been low or just barely normal.  So my problem has been there since I was 22.  That was the first time I asked for a TSH.

The miscarriage might have actually done me a favor.  It threw my thyroid even further into wacky.  Thyroid and pituitary gland, that is, since the pituitary gland creates TSH which the thyroid responds to.  He said part of what's been going on for the past three months or so is "post partum thryoiditis" and it eventually would have resolved.  However, add to that my wackiness, and, well, there's more issues than the thyroiditis.

Anywho.  I like this guy.  He took more blood, did an EKG and wanted to scan me but decided we know enough as is to know I'm screwy so the scan wasn't worth the price - and of course, I'm pregnant so the type of scans were limited anyway (his only option was ultrasound).

I have answers.  That's huge!  I can't tell you how happy that makes me.  Not to know that I am wacky - but to at least know that there is something logical behind the wackiness.  Peace.  That's what I found.  I like logic!

That's about all I got.  As you know, weightloss gets to stop again - as if I was doing anything to try and lose, anyway.  It's funny to read blogs about "I lost x since last Friday" or "I'm just not losing" and I can't sympathize anymore.  I remember that from last time, feeling left out/left behind.  But it's all good.  I'll take this detour and I'll pray that my detour is positive this time and I know that I will be able to lose more on the other side.  I'm more than halfway there - something I was not when I was pregnant last time.  So, without trying, progress was made.  I am staying in onederland and I can eat and I can take care of my body.

In a last little bit of news that just occurred to me...well, last time, I kinda just never really felt well.  I was on this so called verge of everything going wrong, was what it felt like.  And it was enough to make me not want to lift weights.  This time, I feel well.  And I suspect my itchy skin might be the result of insane cortisol levels.  (Stress anyone?)  Since I can't deal with the itchy skin as I have been the past four months or so, well, why not add back weightlifting to deal with cortisol control?  Wouldn't that be fantastic if weightlifting led to happy skin again?

No one has tested cortisol yet - but it's tied to the endocrine system, which we know is wacky, so um, do we have to test this?  My skin tells enough of the story for me...

That's about all I got.  I hope y'all are having a fantastic week and I hope y'all really enjoy St. Paddy's Day!

03/14/11: My news

I know that everything happens for a reason.  I also know that God has a plan.  Our doctor (my ob/gyn) told us at the beginning of last month, which coincided with the beginning of my cycle, that we had the green light to start trying again.  Two weeks later, another doctor (my neurologist) said "stop trying".  And we did.  One week later, our doctor (my ob/gyn) agreed, stop trying. 

The neurologist's order was apparently already too late.  We did stop trying the day she said those words.  The day she said those words coincided with when I ovulated.

Oops.

Or rather.

God has a plan!

I needed to wait to share the news until my blood work came back.  It was confirmed on Friday.  I am retesting beta levels every other day until I get to 1000 and then they will start the ultrasounds.  I know our doctor (my ob/gyn) is going to help (as much as he can) us avoid a repeat of what happened last time.

As for all my incision issues and whatnot...well, I'll be.  It all has essentially cleared up!  The incision still itches, at times, like normal, but the rest of the rashes all around my body have gone away.  I have been able to stop all ointments/creams/pills and am only taking my progesterone supplement and pre-natal vitamin.  I happened to see my PCP last Thurs about the abnormal TSH results and he said it's not surprising that it's all cleared up.

Regarding the abnormal TSH results, well, it's probably hypopituitarism.  Given that I have a number of hormones that are generated by the pituitary gland that are low, well, it really has to be that.  Chances are, for me, I was born this way. 

That's interesting to me.  I always claimed my weight problem (there are two aspects to my weight problem and one I controlled, the other I did not) was tied to hormones.  My TSH has always been low but no other hormones have ever been tested so this never went anywhere.  So my PCP is sending me to an endocrinologist who will probably do something about this.  My PCP's thinking was that the previous pregnancy/miscarriage was finally enough to send my pituitary gland over the edge, dropping lab results even more.  And given that my ob/gyn has started testing my progesterone all the time, well, another piece of the puzzle finally fits.

My PCP told me all of whatever the endo does should actually help my weightloss efforts.  Most specifically, it should help me avoid regaining if we can get my pituitary gland controlled.

Interesting.  Makes me wonder why, since insurance companies require so much at the get-go to the lap-band procedure, why don't they test out hormonal problems?

So, there's my news.  I should be in for my first ultrasound before this week is over.  My hCG, so far, is doubling every 48 hours (or so) just like they want to see.  If it holds, I'll hit 1000 tomorrow and then they'll let me schedule the ultrasound.  I see the endocrinologist on Weds and I'm actually hoping to be able to schedule the ultrasound for that afternoon, too.  I want to not impact work every day if I can help it - and this morning I had to.  The lab was so insanely busy that it took me almost an hour to get checked in!  Just checked in!  I was almost 3 hours late to work today...

My ob/gyn is actually on vacation right now but his office - the other doctors and the nurses and even the front office - haven't missed a beat in making sure I am being taken care of.  I look forward to him returning so I can get together with him and get his opinions on all that's been going on.  I feel like everything is ok - but I really want to hear him say that.

To say that my husband and I are excited is a weird sort of statement that I simultaneously agree and disagree with.  We are both being cautious, this time,  it seems.  I know that when we see a heartbeat, we are going to go crazy with excitement.  I know that when we pass 9 weeks, we'll get even more excited.  I think, like I said, we are just really being cautious right now.  The fact that I can get pregnantly, apparently pretty damned easily, makes our hearts and minds happy right now.  Now I just need to see and feel my body behave.  Only time will tell, on that one...

Now for some odd bits.  The due date - puts the delivery of this baby around about the day I had my D&C last year.  I have a weird sort of ability of being able to turn "days associated with bad memories" into "days associated with amazing blessings".  The day I was raped - became the day I met my husband.  The day my mom died, i.e. mother's day, became my wedding anniversary (no, I didn't schedule it on purpose, I realized it a couple of months after we booked everything).  There are more...although these two are the most substantial.  So, can I turn Nov 12th into the greatest blessing of my life?

And that's my news.  Have a great week, y'all!!!

03/10/11: Just so you know

I have to go quiet for a few days.  I have huge news but I have to get a few more things lined up before I share.  And I know me - I can't blog about anything without spilling the beans on this huge news...so, in the meantime, well, I'ma be quiet.

Just so you know.  I'll still be reading and commenting, though.  That I promise.

And if you're wondering just how long, well I don't know to be exact.  I'd be willing to bet I can blog what I wanna on Monday.  But I can't really guarantee it - it's just a bet right now - and I'm a gambling gal....for whatever that's worth.

In the meantime, I hope y'all have a great weekend!!!

03/08/11: I just can't catch a break

I have a blog all written called "Turning corners" that my brain so desperately wants to post.  My body, however, is just not onboard with it yet.  Hopefully tomorrow things will be different.  I keep thinking that.  Every day.

I just can't catch a break.  That's what it all feels like.  I finally moved towards accepting this incision crap with the accompanying reaction and the questionable TSH results and the other questionable hormone results.  I said to myself, yesterday, just move on.  And then I caught a cold.  A stupid little measely cold, but my energy is already non-existent and couple that with a cold, and, well, hopefully tomorrow things will be different.

That was yesterday.

Today, my doc calls.  PCP, to be exact.  He says, or rather, his nurse says, I need to come back.  They retested my TSH results and they are still low so we are going to chase this down.

My TSH results are dreadfully low.  My T3 and T4, however, are normal.  So this means the problem is with my pituitary gland and not my thyroid.  My progesterone is low, too.  That, also, can be blamed on my pituitary.  Hypopituitarism does not sound like fun.  I don't want to go to this appt and learn this is my new life.

I don't want to.

I just want a break!  Is it really all that much to ask for?  I want to not have an incision issue.  I want to not have a reaction of some sort that has now spread to my face.  I want to feel good!  I want my energy back!  I want no headache!  I want my life pre-miscarriage.  The one where I had energy, felt good, and even felt like hope was an option I had!

I want to move on.  I really really really do.  I'm desperate to, actually.  I'm so sick of this.

I thought this week was going to be good - doctor free, type of good.  Nope, two appts.  One tomorrow, one thurs.  The one on thurs should give me answers about this TSH issue.

In a minor smidge of good news, when my PCP retested my TSH, he also tested me for allergies - and I have no food allergies.  I didn't think I did - he didn't either - he wanted to rule them out and I was kinda curious.  But sure enough, no allergies.  So at least it's not food causing my problems.  I'd have hated learning I needed to go gluten-free.  I'm actually doing very little gluten nowadays anyway, but I want my options - that's all.

Anywho.  I am getting sad.  That's all I know.  I am beginning to struggle to be able to find reasons to smile.  I crawled in the bathtub the other night to relax and once I did, all I could do was cry.  I hate the direction my life is moving in.  I simply hate it.  I need resolution quick because I hate that not only am I impacting my husband, but my job, too.  I don't know how much longer my employer will deal with this.

I told my husband, it's simultaneously a relief that my lab results are still low but also depressing because of what the potential implications are.  Oddly, I am relieved there is something wrong - not just, hey doc, something's weird but I don't know what.  Like taking your car to the mechanic cause you "heard a funny noise", but then, of course, the car runs fine and the mechanic looks at you like you're nuts.  Well, at least my doc's aren't thinking I'm nuts.  But it's sad.  I want none of this.  I want healthy.  I want feel-good.  I want energy - the energy I always had, even when I weighed 70 lbs more.  I want to be on my weightloss journey, not chasing down answers/reasons why I just never feel good.  I want to not itch, I want no reaction, I want none of this.

Sigh.

I'm just sad. 

Can I just have a break?