03/17/11: Ayup

I got nothing.  I just feel the need to blog.

Isn't that a nice change from my whiny, depressing, angry, sad, frustrated posts of the past four months or so?

It's amazing how a peestick can change your outlook.

So, I'm pregnant.  All the bloodwork and peesticks say say.  We established that a couple days ago.  So, being pregnant, well, things are changing.  And I'm taking notes - as I tend to do.

It's so different this time.  Still not dealing with morning sickness - like last time - knock wood.  But other than that, it's all different.  Here's the differences...

• This time - my uterus is growing faster than I can say "pregnant".  I know this because I feel every twinge and twang that my uterus throws at me and it's twinging and twanging like crazy.  Last time - those twinges and twangs didn't start up that quickly and when they did, the twinges and twangs were fewer and further between.
• This time - I AM HUNGRY.  FEED ME!  Last time - food, meh.
• This time - good wholesome quality food is appealing.  Last time - junk.
• This time - gassy gassy gassy.  Last time - not gassy...but then again, nothing was passing...  :)
• This time - freezing cold skin while my core feels like it's boiling.  And even though my skin is cold as cold can be, I am sweating like crazy.  Which, of course, makes my skin even colder.  UGH.  I am a boiling hot frozen mess.  That makes no sense.  I'm walking around making my friends feel my arms...look, I'm cold - but I'm sweating.  They are baffled, too.  My core feels hot on the inside, though, so I understand the sweating but the cold skin is just annoying.  Last time - no change.  I wasn't hotter OR colder. 

I am at 5 weeks a few days right now.  My hCG beta levels continued to rise through Monday "like a textbook pregnancy" but my progesterone has continually dropped.  So I'm supplementing EVEN MORE.  I have my first ultrasound next Monday and will see my doc for my "New OB" appt on April 5th.  So long as everything is fine on Monday, then I think my stress might drop a bit.

Husband and I are scared.  While it's different this time and, oddly, even just "feels" better...it's still scary.  I REALLY do not want to repeat what happened last time.  I really don't.  I like having my happy self back.  I like thinking that our lives are going to change drastically by the end of this year.  I think one of the coolest things that has changed this time, though, is that I am so totally in the moment.  I am not excited about what is to come.  I, instead, am pleased about what's happening right now.  That was not the case with the previous pregnancy.

In other news, my PCP sent me to an endocrinologist, whom I saw yesterday.  He's a riot.  I really really like this guy.  I took all my lab results to him from my PCP and my neurologist.  He complimented the neuro because she tested everything.  I mean, they pulled 12 vials.  She tested everything.  Well, not really, cause when those results came back - I had to go back to the lab for more testing.  But he was pleased with what he saw.

He said:

1. I'm super healthy.  Based on the numbers he was seeing for things like glucose, creatine, WBC, RBC - and all the basics - that I obviously take very good care of my body.
1. Wow, thank you for telling me that.
2. Based on the numbers for some other tests, my body was not the cause of the miscarriage.  Because of the timing of the miscarriage, essentially when the baby's endocrine system would have been taking over for the baby, well it was probably a "chromosomal incompatibility" and there wasn't anything I could have done differently. 
1. I further that to say my body took care of me.  I know that happens with pregnancies.  Sometimes the mother's body recognizes that the baby will kill you if it doesn't naturally abort.
2. Somehow, that's given me some peace.
3. I definitely have an endocrine system problem.  For the pregnancy, he won't treat it because my problem is hyper and for pregnancy we want hyper.  After the pregnancy, he probably will.
4. My problem explains my weight problem.  It explains my heart palpitations.  It explains my itchy skin.  IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
5. I love this guy!

So, I alluded to my problem, weight problem, that is, being a two component thing on Monday.  One component was definitely me.  It was my protection measure after being raped.  I let it pile on - and assumed when I was ready, I'd decide to drop it and I would.  That didn't happen.  The other component, though, I always claimed was hormones.  I have proof, now.

My TSH has always been wacky.  It's either been low or just barely inside the normal range.  I mean like, normal range, depending on the tester, is considered .45-4.5 - and I'd be .45.  I've always been low or just barely normal.  So my problem has been there since I was 22.  That was the first time I asked for a TSH.

The miscarriage might have actually done me a favor.  It threw my thyroid even further into wacky.  Thyroid and pituitary gland, that is, since the pituitary gland creates TSH which the thyroid responds to.  He said part of what's been going on for the past three months or so is "post partum thryoiditis" and it eventually would have resolved.  However, add to that my wackiness, and, well, there's more issues than the thyroiditis.

Anywho.  I like this guy.  He took more blood, did an EKG and wanted to scan me but decided we know enough as is to know I'm screwy so the scan wasn't worth the price - and of course, I'm pregnant so the type of scans were limited anyway (his only option was ultrasound).

I have answers.  That's huge!  I can't tell you how happy that makes me.  Not to know that I am wacky - but to at least know that there is something logical behind the wackiness.  Peace.  That's what I found.  I like logic!

That's about all I got.  As you know, weightloss gets to stop again - as if I was doing anything to try and lose, anyway.  It's funny to read blogs about "I lost x since last Friday" or "I'm just not losing" and I can't sympathize anymore.  I remember that from last time, feeling left out/left behind.  But it's all good.  I'll take this detour and I'll pray that my detour is positive this time and I know that I will be able to lose more on the other side.  I'm more than halfway there - something I was not when I was pregnant last time.  So, without trying, progress was made.  I am staying in onederland and I can eat and I can take care of my body.

In a last little bit of news that just occurred to me...well, last time, I kinda just never really felt well.  I was on this so called verge of everything going wrong, was what it felt like.  And it was enough to make me not want to lift weights.  This time, I feel well.  And I suspect my itchy skin might be the result of insane cortisol levels.  (Stress anyone?)  Since I can't deal with the itchy skin as I have been the past four months or so, well, why not add back weightlifting to deal with cortisol control?  Wouldn't that be fantastic if weightlifting led to happy skin again?

No one has tested cortisol yet - but it's tied to the endocrine system, which we know is wacky, so um, do we have to test this?  My skin tells enough of the story for me...

That's about all I got.  I hope y'all are having a fantastic week and I hope y'all really enjoy St. Paddy's Day!