03/31/10: All I can do...

...is cry.

Literally.  I'm sitting here in my office and I think "man, what a beautiful day"...and the tears start falling.

Then I think "today's the day they make a decision"...and more tears fall.

Then I think "I hope BG starts to feel better soon!"....and more tears fall.

Then I think "it's lunchtime"...and then the nose starts to drip.

Then I think "I wonder why Drazil is being so quiet this week"...and then I'm bawling.

So I decided to take a break from my crying and went into a "quiet room" to call Cigna.

I was told to not expect an answer until April 16th or later.  Earliest would be April 2nd, but my case has no priority.

And that was it.  Now I'm an unincorporated water works!

I called my sweet hubby.  He said hang in there.

Easier said than done.

I miss carbs.  I miss serotonin.

When I was on the phone with Cigna, I just started bawling when she told me her standard response "your case is still in review".  But I was bawling discreetly until it became time for me to say something next.  And when I did, she instantly softened her voice and said she's so sorry but this is how they have to treat these cases.

I explained that I am already on the pre-op diet which consists of absolutely no carbs whatsoever and given that I'm a woman, that's a bad thing as no serotonin gets released.  I'd be dealing with this self-imposed stress a lot better if I could have some serotonin, I think.  She softened her voice even more and said she completely understands and that she knew what I was talking about.

She told me, get your surgeon to call in and explain that the stress is too much and we can make something happen sooner.

So I called my advocate.  I got her voicemail.  Hopefully she'll call back.  And when she does, I'll explain what I know.

I'm still crying.

And I've decided, I'm going to eat some cheese tonight.  I need some serotonin.  I'm fiending for serotonin.  Isn't that funny?  It's like I'm addicted to crack...but in the form of serotonin.

Sorry, I don't want an intervention for this addiction!

I wish I could go to our cafeteria and just buy a block of cheese.  How quickly after I eat cheese will I feel better?

hehehe....

Cheese.  That's funny.  I don't care who you are....

03/31/10: I don't know what I'd do without this blog

And it's not even the blog, really.  It's all y'all that read it and it's all y'all that take the time to comment.  You guys are a God send!!!

I was thinking, as I went for my morning cup of joe a few minutes ago, that if I didn't have this blog and my peeps to keep me sane and to root me on, I really think I would have given up long ago.  I've made it this far because of all y'all that are reading this right this very second.

My wonderful husband is sooo very in my corner and that is beyond helpful.

I thought I'd have some friends that were so very in my corner, too, and turns out they are less than interested and/or incredibly judgemental about the whole thing.  Oopsie...guess I shouldn't have told them.

But this blog.  This blog is my little corner that I can turn to to know that I'm not alone, that I'm not the first (and I won't be the last) to feel what I'm feeling and to think what I'm thinking.  I can get support here and I can get a refreshing slap in the face here and for all of that I am so incredibly thankful.

It's interesting how I got turned on to the blogs.  It was Catherine55, actually.  I had started a thread on LBT about being a newby and she told me to go check out the blogs.  How wise that was!  Those threads on LBT are trainwrecks, by and large, and I could have easily been derailed if I'd stayed there.  So I went to the blogs.  And I clicked on the first one I could find - and it was Band_Groupie's blog.  I proceeded to read her blog from start to finish and learned soooo much and laughed even harder.  When BG came over here, and I followed and started to explore, it was a no-brainer for me to make the move, too.  Such support and camaraderie here.  It is what I think LBT wants to be.  Positivity is generally prolific here!

I have no idea what is going to happen with me and this band.  I know that if surgery can't happen by April 9th, it's not going to happen in April or May.  And that is depressing to me.  And not having carbs to release serotonin, depressing is depressing right now.  Everything is depressing right now. 

I know, now, that if I don't get an answer this week, I won't be able to get on the schedule next week.  So, Friday is my cutoff for getting an answer from Cigna and being able to get on next week's schedule.  If I don't have an answer on Friday, I am going back to normal, healthy, balanced eating.

I am so on the verge of tears.  To have come all this way and be staring so closely at a possible derailment is just depressing.  And like I said, depressing is depressing.

I miss serotonin.

I hope y'all have a good day.

And this one is for the insurance Gods.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help me get an answer this week.  PLEASE!!!!

And the last thought I'll leave you with...after being good for so long with this "diet", I have stopped losing weight.  I was exactly the same today as I was yesterday morning.

Stiletto Award

 Hence, the Stiletto Award…For Excellence in Blogging!

"I want to salute the women who balance life, family & relationships with style & class! Those women who share their experiences with us…who encourage us, inspire us, teach us, make us laugh and basically keep us going! You know who they are! While you read this blog, your family is looking at you wondering what the heck you are laughing about so hard…or why the tissue is necessary for internet browsing. It’s the one that the kids are excited about cuz a new post means a new craft project or family outing. The one that inspires you to be a better mom, friend, person in general. The one that reminds you that we are all “in this life together” and you’re not the only one going through the hard stuff. The one that you secretly wish your blog was like…"

Thank you, Mary, for giving me this award.  You are awesome and it's so gracious of you to think of me while I'm not being my best person.  You are an inspiration to me and reading your blog actually helps me smile!  :)

So now to pay it forward.....

These blogs are the people that are incredibly supportive, and they are also truly amazing bloggers.  Not only is it flattering to me that they reach out to me - but it's always a pleasure to read their blogs and learn from them as they travel through band-land.

**Some of these may have already "won" the award - I really am stating those who affect my day on a daily basis in a positive way.**

Bonnie - she is still doing insurance requirements, which are so incredibly frustrating, but she takes the time with almost all of my blogs to let me know I'm not alone.  I am looking forward to the day when she is teaching me how to use the band for the best!

Amandakiska - a very thought-provoking blog full of concepts we all need to be aware of.  Not only is she willing to discuss what needs to be discussed, even if hard, she is also very supportive.

MandaPanda - another one still doing insurance requirements.  She has a lot of great insights and provides a lot of useful information about smart weightloss.  It's always fun to read her blogs.

Jenny - she was just banded yesterday.  She had quite an interesting story with dealing with insurance requirements and for a little while there we were both on a pre-op diet.  Helped me to know that there was someone else doing it, too!

Jacquie - she was just banded last week.  She brings a calmness to her blog that I really appreciate!

Sandy Lee - she offers some of the most helpful comments!  I love it when she leaves them.  I just started following and have not read her blog yet but I look forward to doing so soon - next on my list!

Camille - so super, amazing, and supportive!  I feel like she's my own personal cheerleader and I think we have a lot in common, too.  Plus, she's a Texan.  Plus, she has a great, informative, interesting blog.

Gen - another so super, amazing, and supportive person!  Another I feel like she's my own personal cheerleader.  She always leaves comments that are exactly what I need to read!  And her blog, man, her blog - she's a superstar in the banded blogging world.

Michelle - an amazing blogger, an amazing supporter and an amazing friend.  I am also super jealous of where she lives!

Band_Groupie - I can't not say a peep about the lady who got me into blogging.  She is just awesome.  Another superstar.  She's lost amazing weight and now just underwent surgery to have her gallbladder removed yesterday.  And in all that, she's still teaching us newbies things we need to know for the lap-band surgery.  BG ROCKS!

THE RULES!

This blog is meant to be shared, to be given out, to be bestowed upon any and ALL women who exemplify what the stiletto represents. If you’ve received this award, here’s what you do:

1. Display your Stiletto Badge of Honor on your sidebar! Wear it with pride… (grab the badge above)

“Heels this high are not meant for clubbing or walking long distances in. They are mainly used for getting from the living room to the bedroom, from the car to the restaurant, or for a short stroll along the catwalk.”

2. BRAG ABOUT IT! -write a post about your award.
3. SAY THANKS! - include a link to the friend who nominated you for the award.

4. SHARE THE LOVE! -nominate 5-10 blogs that you feel deserve the award. Include links to them in your post -and- leave them a comment to let them know they are nominated.

5. DO WHAT YOU DO! -keep at it. Keep inspiring and encouraging and sharing your life! We love it and we thank you!!!

Can I just say THANK YOU one more time!

03/30/10: Still

Still waiting on the insurance company.  I hope they can do something this week.  I was hoping it would be yesterday, to be honest.  I had this gut feeling that something was going to happen yesterday.  Maybe it did.  I don't know.  I called at noon - and there's a whole lotta work day left after noon.  But the answer I got at noon was just like all the rest.  Still in review.

I really wish Cigna thought of me as a person and not just a case with a folder attached.  I wish I could talk to someone and relay the human aspect of this; why I want and even need this to happen sooner rather than later.  I get the sense from other blogs that Aetna and BCBS and a whole plethora (for you, Drazil) of other insurance co's get that there are people behind these cases.  But I'm just a case with Cigna.  They keep you away from the people that make the decision.  Maybe I'm wrong, maybe what I read was misinterpreted by me...but it just seems like others have better luck getting through to the people making the decisions.  And I'm specifically not allowed to talk to those people.

Anywho...

After work last night my sweet hubby and I decided to go out to dinner.  He ordered everything I can only dream about having.  A regular salad with ranch dressing and croutons and cheese.  (Can't have the ranch, the croutons or the cheese or the carrots that were shredded and mixed in with the lettuce.)  A chicken fried steak with a baked potato.  So I did him one better.  I ordered a spinach salad with egg and a balsamic vinagreitte.  My salad should have come with blue cheese crumbles and I had to say 'leave that off'.  And grilled salmon with grilled veggies.

I will say that I normally don't go for the chicken fried steak.  I'll get a bite or two from my hubby but I don't usually want a whole one to myself (for multiple meals since they are always ginormous).  Baked potatoes even...more often than not, don't want 'em.  I've gotten to the point that unless I've baked it myself and can use my kind of butter, they just don't taste good to me.  With my baking method, I create a crunchy, slightly salty skin and I eat the potato only so that I can get to the skins.  Sometimes I don't even eat all the potato - just scoop it out and eat the skins.

I think the waiter thought we were nuts.  When he took our drink order he asked if we'd like some bread while we decided on our meal.  I about jumped out of my seat saying "no".  A little later, when we were ordering, I hid behind my menu as my sweet hubby ordered his carb intense dinner.  At this restaurant we went to I love love love their grilled salmon.  I even love their grilled veggies.  That actually was why I suggested it last night.  To make it even worse for the waiter...when he delivered our food I asked "now how much does this fillet weigh?"  He was like "ummm...do I care?"  But he tried to appease me with an answer - 'it's 8oz', he said.

HMPH.  I am looking at that fillet on my plate thinking it can't possibly be 8oz.  It's smaller than most servings I have been eating and I've been weighing everything since I started this.  My hubby and I were surprised on Sunday to learn that thin pork loins worked out to two loins a person just to get 4oz.  My hubby (being a man) is allowed 6.  That gave him 3.5 loins, actually.  This salmon was thinner than those loins were and much smaller in width, too.  Now, I know, I know, different meats weigh in differently.  Afterall, salmon is fatty and a more condensed meat.  I wish I'd had the scale there with me to see just what it weighed.  We decided next time we want to eat from this restaurant, we'll actually call in a to-go order, take it home, and weigh it.  One other thought we had, as I decided to eat it all, was that early last week we got ourselves a tuna steak to split.  And what worked out to 4oz for me and 6oz for hubby was still larger than this salmon fillet on my plate.  And I would think salmon and tuna are comparable in size-weight ratios.

It's interesting getting a real sense of what is right and normal for serving sizes.  I don't plan to be a weigher forever.  I will do so until I can look at something and say "this is normal". 

Ok...just thought of it this way.  I'm sure you've been to a nutrionist somewhere along your journey who said "a normal serving of protein is the size of the back of your hand".  Make a fist and look at the back of your hand.  That's "normal".  The salmon was not that big.

And who cares anyway.  I went home and walked and walked and walked my lake (a few times) and had a generally enjoyable evening. I know I walked a brisk pace last night because my doggie wasn't out ahead of me like he is when I'm just doddling along.  He was right beside me the whole time.

And I was down a pound today.  So today I am where I wanted to be Sunday.  Grr...but at least I'm there.

I am allowed one snack a day of beef jerky if I need something to tide me over.  I did not eat my jerky yesterday.  I was not hungry last night.  My belly was not growling.  By golly, I think I'm getting used to this.

Don't read "getting used to this" as 'liking this'.  I certainly don't.  But I'm fine.

Was 50-60g of carbs enough in a day (my average prior to this diet) that I needed to detox even from that?

My headache is gone.  My tummy is not mad like it was.  I mean, other than a mental fog, I feel quite a bit better.  Especially when compared to Fri or Sat.  I want out of this mental fog, that I know...

Ok, this incessant rambling through my fingertips should end here.  I hope y'all have a fantastic beautiful gorgeous spring day.  All y'all back east that are just getting pounded with rain, please hang in there.  The sun will come out again.

03/29/10: I just figured it out...

I just figured it out courtesy of reading Gen's blog from last night.  If you read my last "blog" which told Gen her comments weren't working, then you might have read what I'll copy and paste below already. 

Before I copy and paste that content (which I want to do because when Gen's comments get fixed, I'll delete that "blog") please let me say this.  Finally identifying this will probably help me shut-the-heck-up.  So to those of you that have hung in there with me and offered support and hugs and you can do this's, man, oh man, thank you so much.  It actually makes me teary-eyed to know I'm not alone.  Most all have been through this, although I think the no-dairy aspect of my diet sets it apart from even some of the more strict pre-op diets.  Has anyone else had to do that?  Anyway, before I go on too much more, here's what I posted as a comment for Gen.

I'm railing against my pre-op diet because it is severely restricted. I started trying to think about what carb I would want to eat and it's really not that I want a carb in the standard sense. I don't gravitate towards them, is what I have found. I do love some good mashed taters but I also find it very easy to just not make them. I have gotten to the point where Doritos and most other chips I don't even like anymore - Cheetos are my one "eeks, yep, I gotta" when they are around. And with Cheetos - it's easy for me to just not buy them. I get them, periodically, when we visit the in-laws. But where I am struggling with my "diet" is that I can't even have dairy. Yes, dairy is a carb. It's a great source of protein. But lactose is a carb. And that's what I want right now. Dairy. In the form of cottage cheese, Greek yogurt, regular yogurt, cheese on my meals. That is what I want. Just dairy. Rice - whatever. Pasta - whatever. Potatoes - whatever. Bread - whatever. But dairy. GIVE ME DAIRY!

We were told to even stay away from soy cheese or milk, almond milk, rice milk, all of it. It all has carbs - and while soy doesn't have very much, it will stop you from forgetting about dairy. So don't eat any of it.

I am doing this ridiculousness for the time it takes to get to surgery. But I will not give up DAIRY! Not permanently.

Gen's blog helped. As I was sitting there reading it, I kept thinking - if I could eat whatever I wanted right now, what would I eat. And I'm going along with Gen as she described her Saturday. I hate most breakfast pastries. Generally loaded with sugar and I don't like sugar, especially not first thing in the morning. I hate pizza. Yes, I'm weird - my parents thought I was the weirdest kid. Turned out, I hate pizza sauce. I can now order pizza without the sauce - but I'm so used to not liking it, I just never crave it. Doritos - I can't stand 'em nowadays. Used to love 'em. But something happened around about 5 years ago and I've not liked them since. Ice cream - can't stand the stuff. Too cold on my teeth. So as I'm sitting here, reading Gen's blog, and listing my own opinions about each thing to myself, I thought, well then what is it that I want?

CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Give me CHEESE, dangit!!!!

Or yogurt.  Specifically Greek yogurt.  Please!!!

Or cottage cheese.  When I hit 8pm and I'm hungry and I just want a little something to tide me over til bedtime, 2 spoons of cottage cheese would do the trick.

So there's my comment, updated a smidge for the blog's purpose.

I also want to say that I am fortunate, I think.  I know I eat well and that after surgery, I can go back to my own balanced healthy eating.  I know I'm not eating a balanced healthy diet right now because I am exhausted.  I hurt.  I could barely stay awake yesterday.  I got up at noon - which isn't like me - and was asleep last night by 8:30 - which also isn't like me.  I just gotta get through this and I will.  But I'm hurtin.  I mean.  Really hurtin.  I feel like I just spent the entire weekend on my bad foot trying to host a party.  And all I did was walk the lake a few times.  Most of the weekend was watching basketball.  I shouldn't hurt.  In fact, I should feel pretty good.  So that my body hurts tells me it's not getting what it needs.  No surprise there.

But I'm fortunate.  Why?  Because I know that I won't have to follow this stupid pre-op diet after surgery.  My surgeon tells all to continue to eat this way forever.  Um...yeah...HELL NO!  But because I follow so many wonderful blogs of people that have gone before me and are successful with normal balanced diets, I know I just have to get through this.  Most of the people that were there almost two weeks ago for their pre-op with me...dang but I wish I could tell them - ignore his opinion.  I would love to see records in two or three years.  Have they lost their weight?  Did they gain it back?  I'm going to predict that anyone that follows his quack-diet for the duration will have problems keeping it off.  Why?  Because it's a diet.  Because it's not normal, healthy or balanced.  Because when they go to their niece's birthday party and eat a piece of cake, it's going to open the floodgates for all that they miss.  And as Gen posted in her blog, the band isn't a fix.  It doesn't tell you not to eat.  It limits what you can eat.  It doesn't tell you what not to eat.  It limits the amount you need.  I think this surgeon is setting people up to fail.

To the person that can do this diet for the rest of their life - well, good for them.  But it's a life of deprivation not being able to enjoy anything.  And maybe some people are so desperate that they will listen to this forever and ever and be fine.  But I can't listen to this forever.  I can only listen to this for however long it takes me to get the band.  After that, I'm going back to what my nutritionist says, what my RNP says, what my mom taught me, what I like.  And that's an all-natural, healthy, balanced, REAL diet.

Balance is the key.  Don't eat all carbs.  Don't eat all protein.  Don't eat all anything. 

Ok.  With this...I'm done.  I won't talk about my "diet" again.  I'm sorry for draggin y'all through the mud with me.  But thank you sooooo much for letting me rant and rail and get this out there over the past week.  And hopefully, I really am hoping, this helps someone in the future.

Oh, as for that pound that came back - it's gone again this morning.  So as of today, I'm back to where I was on Saturday.  8 pounds in a week....

03/28/10: so sad

I didn't cheat.  I didn't break.  I thought I was doing pretty well, actually, given that it was a Saturday and I was not doing my normal stuff which means I was not "eating" at normal times.  I got sleep and I actually didn't drink my lunch until well after 4 which set me up for actually eating dinner at the time I wanted to, not had to.

And I gained a pound.

I keep telling myself it doesn't matter.  I am still down from my start and the surgeon will never know the difference.  But I had these hopes of losing weight steadily on this ridiculous diet and earning my 4 cc fill.  If you don't remember, in the pre-op he said that he does anywhere from no fill up to 4cc's.  If he thinks you were totally serious with the pre-op diet and your liver was super wonderful looking, then he'd give you 4.  If he thought you weren't taking it serious at all and you suck, he gives you none.  Those being the extremes, it's likely you'll fall somewhere in the middle of the bell curve and you'll get anywhere from 0-4cc's depending on what he thinks is wise.

I wanted 4cc's!  I think 4 is a great jump start towards getting to the sweet spot.  I DO NOT want 0.  So I am focusing on that.  That and pounds lost.

I'm railing against this diet but it's not because I can't do it.  It's because I am not really choosing this for myself - someone else, someone trying to be in control of me, is choosing this for me.  I read on a blog this week about why diets don't work.  Actually I think I read this in multiple places this week.  But it's true.  If you are not in control of what goes in your mouth, you begin to obsess.  And if you obsesss, addictions form.  You might survive just fine while on the "diet" but as soon as you are cleared to take control of yourself back, you will binge and get in all those obsessions you were missing.

I don't know that I would do that, to be honest.  Before this pre-op diet, tracking my food intake on http://www.fitday.com/, I learned that I average 50-60g of carbs a day.  Not a lot.  Just enough.  I am not a carb addict.  But I am not controlling this right now which puts carbs front and center on my mind.  When I do eat carbs, they are healthy - complex carbs.  I don't tend to gravitate towards the simple carbs.  Which is not to say I don't eat them.  But I don't eat them daily or even weekly.

Anywho.  So I'm railing against this diet.  And I know that.  And I am ok with it, to be honest.  So long as I move on and move on soon, I will actually forget this.  In case you are not in my brain, let me just say this.  I am not a miserable angry person right now.  I am putting this all in the blog because maybe it can help someone else who will go through this in the future or may even be going through it right now.  I do no favors by keeping what I've learned to myself.

So, back to today.  I did not cheat.  I did not break my diet.  And I gained weight anyway.  So how do you not cheat with that?  How do you stay motivated when even though you are doing what you are told, it's still not working?

Interestingly enough, I don't want to cheat.  If there were any time I would want to cheat, it's probably a breakfast on a Sunday.  But I didn't.  I didn't mention it, I didn't even think it, really.  I just made my smoothie and called it done. 

I hope I can call the ins co tomorrow and get an answer.  I hope I get an answer soon.  Please, please, please...

I had a dream this morning about going to the hospital and checking in for surgery.  But my dentist got mad and made the nurse tell me I had to leave and get clearance from, you ready for this? - A cardiopulmoradiologist.  Yeah, I have no idea what that is, either.  In my dream it was a surgeon that did surgery under x-ray.  Yeah.  Nuts.  My dreams are bonkers when I remember them.  Maybe that's why I tend to not remember them - I don't really want to know how nuts I am.  Anywho, so I went to that thing's office to get clearance and they checked me in and saw me back and made me wait until their Friday afternoon party was over.  Problem was, when the party was over, everyone spilled into the parking lot, where it was raining, to start walking home.  And I was told to walk with the Dr. and she would do my review.  So as we walked, we talked about her dog.  And then she sent my dentist my clearance and he decided I was good to go.  So I went back to the hospital again and the nurse was nowhere to be found.  The hospital was filled with slides and rappelling equipment to get around the floors and my husband and I had to chase the nurse down.  By the time we did, the surgeon had flown to Panama and said I'd have to wait.  I found a new surgeon who would do the surgery on Sunday.  (The events all happened on a Friday.)

It was a weird dream.  But is it an omen that surgey is coming?  That's what I take away from it all.

Dangit, I think I'm going to go walk my lake 8 times today and then take a break and walk another 8.  This pound will go away - plus more - today!

And my sweet hubby thought he was going to take a nap.  HA!

03/27/10: Yay for Saturdays

Good morning y'all!  And a great big heaping happy Saturday to YOU!

I love every weekend but I love gorgeous beautifil spring weekends the most.  Sometimes.  :)

I love an equally gorgeous beautiful fall weekend filled with football, too.

And I love an equally gorgeous but hot summer weekend filled with nothing but swimming, too.

And I love a dreary downbeat winter weekend curled in front of the fire watching TLC all weekend, too.

But I can tell I'm already super in love with this weekend.  The birds are chirping, the breeze is blowing the sheers all through the house and there's just this cast of glowing-ness right now.  I love it.  I want to be outside.  So after I drink my smoothie and blog my bloggie, I shall be heading out there!

So yesterday sucked.  I mean, it really truly horridly sucked.  I was just HUN....GREE...

I did not cheat.  I cannot believe how well I am doing with not breaking this as miserable as I am with it.

This diet is making me obsess about food.  I don't normally obsess.  I hate obsessing about food.  I HATE IT!  But here I am, doing what some quack thinks is best for me and losing control of my own intake and I'm obsessed.

I drove by a restaurant on the way to pick my hubby up last night.  The restaurant was called Thai Rice Cottage.  I've never eaten there and the place didn't look like anything to go out of my way for.  I love Thai food but we have our own fantastic Thai on this side of town.  Anywho.  "Rice" stuck out to me.  Ahh....rice, I thought.  A precious carb.

And then I thought, "why rice?"  I mean, if I could eat a carb today, would I want it to be rice?  No.  Not necessarily.  And then I thought "I don't even care what the carb is.  I don't want the taste of that carb or the texture of that carb or the flavor of that carb.  I want the feeling that carb gives me."

That feeling of satiety.  That feeling of a headache gone.  That feeling of serotonin being released again.  The feeling of contentedness.  I don't even want much of it.  Just enough to "feel better".  I figure "just enough" would equate to probably a quarter cup of rice or a quarter cup of pasta.  Maybe a half of a potato.  Just a little.

I started reading a lot yesterday about what's happening with my body.  And I think it's safe to say that I am in ketosis.  No matter how much I drink, I can't get my clear pee that I love so much.  Yesterday I drank 97 ounces.  It was alllll verrrrryyyyyyy yellow.  I know the headache is from a lack of carbs.  I know that some people get headaches from that and some people do not.  I know that if it was a detox headache it would not get worse with each sip of my protein shake.  I know that my protein shake probably has some sweetener like splenda in it and that splenda is likely making my headache even worse.

So then I looked at other protein sources.  I looked specifically at unjury because the idea of chicken soup sounds fantastic right now.  But it would be the end of the next week before it arrived.  Which doesn't help me with the pre-op diet because I really am hoping that the surgery can happen next week.  I had a conversation with myself about this yesterday.  I think, and maybe it's my own self-fulfilling prophecy here, but I think that all of these "shake" diets are going to be hard for me.  I think, honestly that I just have to make it work.  And buying something else will just be spending money.  Maybe that could be a transferrance of my frustration but I'd rather hang onto the pennies and just get through this.

And that's the key.  I know I'll get through this.  I can take Ibuprofen and I can take Tylenol to beat the headache back.  I know I am getting enough protein.  What I am not getting is a balanced diet.

And maybe this will pass.  Honestly, when I get a date and I can start focusing on that, I will forget, I think, about my belly.

I've gone back and forth is this head hunger or is this real hunger.  And like I said, I want the carbs because I want the feeling they produce.  But my stomach is literally growling constantly.  I have had a number of situations where my tummy wanted something and my head absolutely did not.  My head is not my problem, for once.

So yesterday I lost my desired 1.5 pounds.  I am now at 243.  I'm hoping I'll see 241 tomorrow.  And that is one of the things I am focusing on when I start to feel like I'm going to cave.

And last night I discovered that drinking chicken broth really helps.  A cup of chicken broth is a whopping 24 calories and has 5g of protein.  But I think the salt is what I actually wanted/needed.  I was drinking my tea drinking my tea drinking my tea.  And my body responds to that...but it is starting to wear off so quickly.  So I threw a cup of chicken broth in and I was fine for the rest of the evening.

The chicken broth (and beef and vegetable) are on my approved liquid list.  ....

And now that I've shared all these thoughts with y'all...please know - the thing first and foremost on my mind today is that I lost 1.5 pounds yesterday.  If I can do 1.5 today...I'll have lost 10 for the week.  And the week will actually only have been six days since I started this on Monday.  Come on 10 pounds!!!!

03/26/10: Yay for Friday's...boo for no food

It's a Friday.  I'm happy.

I got on the scale this morning.  I do that every morning, so no news there.

Yesterday = 245
Today = 244

1 pound lost.  I'm happy.  I want to lose three more by Sunday.  I'm going to try.

I am soooo sooooo soooooo soooooooo very hungry.  My belly is growling constantly.  Coffee isn't working and neither is tea.  By the time we got home last night, it was all I could do to wait until the food was reheated to eat it.  We had leftovers from our pork on Tuesday.  It was SOOOOOOO not enough food.  It didn't help that there weren't enough veggies to give me a whole cup.  But, and this is on me, I wasn't interested enough to make new veggies with what's in the fridge.  I thought to myself, I'll drink some hot tea and I'll be fine.

That worked very temporarily but not for very long.  I took a bath and crawled into bed around 9:30 thinking I'd watch a little tv and go to sleep and ignore the rumblings.  By 10, the rumblings were so rumbly that I couldn't get to sleep.  It was 11 before I fell asleep.  But I didn't cave.  I didn't give in.

I was hoping today would be better but the tummy is already mad.  I am going to go get some tea.  I think the coffee I'm drinking is stopping me from falling asleep reasonably.  Although it's only two cups - which is normal for me.  But I've switched the time up a bit and I think I need to not do that.

Nonetheless, I'm down.  And now it's the weekend.  This will be a real test! 

Just called the ins co.  This very friendly but hoitey sounding guy said still no decision but it looks like a decision should be made pretty quickly.

I hope so.  I was actually hoping to have a decision this week so that I can try to get on the schedule next week.

I think the one place where I really am struggling with this hunger is that I still don't know how long I'm going to have to do this for.  I may be wrong in this thinking, but if I knew without a doubt where the end of the tunnel was, I think I could talk myself through this better.  But I don't know.  What I do know is that the one time I cheat, I will reset the carb clock all over again, I will pack on pounds quickly.  So I won't cheat.  But this time next week...that might get to be too hard for me, if I still don't know where the end is.  I need need need y'all to help me here.  What would you do?  Would you be willing to do an incredibly restrictive diet that is predominantly liquid for an indefinite period of time?  Even if said diet is producing results of 7 pounds lost in 5 days? 

I'm hungry, I have a headache that won't stop, I can't beat a cold back that hit me last week because I am not getting enough nutrients, my allergies, on top of the cold, are brutal, and I can't sleep because of the rumbling belly.  I do not, absolutely do not, want to stop this diet again and start it up a third time, though.  That's what got me through last night.  I don't want to stop and start because it seems like at some point, this should start to dissipate a little, the rumbling belly, the headache, even the cold.  At some point, it should start to be better.  Right?

Please tell me it gets better.

Ugh.  This weekend will be such a test!

03/25/10: I wasn't gonna but here it is

I wasn't going to name my band but figured if something came to me, then I'd go with it.

Something just came to me.

"My Lady"

After my mom!

When I went in the Navy my mom was faced with life adjustments.  Prior to enlisting, my mom and I would shop 2-3 times a week.  When I'd see something I wanted her to see, I could hold it up and say "Mom" and I'd have her attention.  She'd look, comment, and I'd put the "thing" back down.  Back down either in the cart or back on the shelf.  Most of the time these shopping trips were for groceries or household items.  Once or twice a month it would be for clothes and in those cases, she let me be me.

Anywho.

After enlisting and going through boot camp I then went to my training school.  School shut down for 2 weeks at Christmas at which time we all were told to "get off base".  I flew home for the first time since enlisting that Christmas.  And as my mom and I always did, we went shopping.

The first time we went shopping, "Mom" didn't work.  The second time we went shopping, "Mom" didn't work.  The third time I finally said "Hey, why are you ignoring me?"  She laughed.  She said that after I left, she'd go shopping by herself.  And she'd hear someone say "Mom" and she'd turn to look certain she was going to see me.  But I was nowhere to be found.  So she retrained herself to not respond to the word "Mom" anymore.  So I said fine, I'll call you Lady.

My mom's name was Elaine.  Her brothers and sisters called her "Lainey".  So I was calling her something similar to her name but not her name.  I'm one of those that doesn't think you should call your parents by their real name.  But Lady worked.  It took awhile for it to really take but by the time I was out of the Navy, she was Lady.

Sometimes calling her "Lady" got us in trouble.  Like one time, going to get haircuts.  She had a cut that was particularly attractive on her and she loved it.  But my step-dad hated it.  She wanted to keep the cut, I wanted her to keep the cut, but he wanted something else.  We debated this until we were blue in the face but she wanted to make him happy.  We debated this until the stylist called her back.  And as she was walking back I shouted out "Hey, Lady, cut it right".  The stylist thought I was talking to her.  My mom and I were instantly mortified and did our best to explain...but the stylist didn't believe us.

Anywho.  My Lady.

My Lady was strong and had an attitude as forceful as a bull when pushed too far.  My Lady was intelligent and had opinions about everything.  My Lady would always listen to your story and sometimes it made her opinion change but mostly she stuck to her guns.  My Lady was fair and honest.  My Lady could not be trumped.  My Lady enjoyed life and tried to make life as interesting as possible.  My Lady believed in moderation and control.  My Lady believed in hard work equals great rewards.  My Lady wanted what is best for me even when I had no idea what it was.

This band is a lot like My Lady.  So my band will be called Lady.

03/25/10: Changes, happiness, goals and me

Will we all get along?  Me, changes, happiness and goals, that is?

I am following a lot of blogs.  I think I can keep up with it all once they are all caught up.  But I have a rule with myself.  I won't actively follow a blog until I've read the whole thing to catch up.  I have completely read about half the blogs I'm following.  Catching up after 4 days in hiatus was HARD!   But I'm caught up.  So I decided to start reading a "new" blog.  I think, when I have completely read all the blogs I am following right now, it will be a good day's worth of reading.  Enough I can do in my waiting for the computer minutes and lunch breaks and maybe even some at home.  Beyond what I've got right now, ~80, I think it would be too much.  I'd love to follow all...but I gotta pretend to work a little at work.  We'll see.  Some people don't post as much as Drazil or I.  :)

Anywho, the idea for this particular blog came from Jen is gonna lose it!  It's her third blog in and she is talking about goals.  Her Dr. wanted her to come up with a list of three short term goals and three long term goals.

Now, I've blogged previously about my take on goals.  I don't have goals that are tied to numbers.  I'm not shooting for 25 lbs lost in a month or an end goal of 142.  Although my ticker is tied to that...it's just because they want a destination.  I don't know that I'll get there.  I don't know that I'll stop there.  It's not my goal.  My goal is to be healthy, to be happy, to feel good, to lose limitations.  My goal is a feeling.  And this ties to Jen from Oregon's blog because of this statement she made:

"It took me a few minutes to wrap my head around what I was being asked to put down in black & white. Perhaps I don’t have it correct, but what I did come away with is that I don’t have a clue how I will feel in the moment…um, because I have never been there before."

Haha.  I just had an Aha moment.  And it's a bizarre notion!

I don't know how I will feel, either.  Will I wake up one day, look in the mirror, get on the scale and say "ok, you're there?"  I will feel better before I get to a normal BMI.  I know that because I've spent much of the last decade in the overweight category, not the obese category.  And most of the time I was "overweight", I felt fine. 

I believe you can be "overweight" and be healthy.  BMI is such a funny thing.  I mean, really.  If I lift weights to lose weight, I will be "heavier" with smaller dimensions.  Muscle weighs more than fat.  I have huge powerhouse thighs and they will never be a teeny girl legs.  I have always carried a lot of muscle quite easily.  But it's likely that I could be a 28" waist with 34" hips and 34" chest and still be "overweight" by the BMI category.  I know this because I've been there before.  And I won't care about the BMI if that happens again.  Especially not if my body fat is reasonable.  At some point, the BMI range won't matter to me.  At some point (far far away from now) the BMI scale won't relate to my personal health anymore.  I'm not a statistic.

I also believe at some point, I will stop worrying about my health, whether or not I even can feel good.  At some point, the limitations will be gone and I'll just be living.  I don't know that I'll know exactly when it happens.  It will happen slowly over time as pounds are lost and my body goes back to "normal".

But the part that is elusive to me is "how I will feel in the moment…um, because I have never been there before."  But it's elusive to me for different reasons.  Cause I have been there before but not at the age of 34.  I have been there before, but not after losing control of my weight and struggling to regain control.  I have been there before, but not ever with the understanding of what it's like to not be there.

When I was there before, I had always been there.  I didn't have any comprehension whatsoever of what life felt like not there.  I didn't have any comprehension of exactly why it's so important to not let it go.  I put my weight on for a reason.  I thought it would protect me and allow me to heal mentally and emotionally.  And it did.  It took the focus away from what happened and put it on something that was, in my mind, arbitrary.  But I also thought, when I made the decision to gain weight, that it would be easy to lose it.  I was so wrong.

And I should have seen the flawed logic there.  It wasn't easy to gain it.  I knew how to eat, I knew how to exercise - and even loved it.  I knew how to take care of myself.  I was active and interested in life.  And I gave all that up, although not without a fight.  I had to make myself not go to the gym.  I had to make myself eat more at dinner.  It took my own focus off of me and what I was dealing with and transferred that focus to something, again, arbitrary.  I was able to start railing against other things.  So-and-so didn't want to go on a date with me because I was fat, is what I said to myself.  In reality, so-and-so didn't want to go on a date with me because I was damaged and I was exuding damage to anything and everything around me.

At some point, the struggle stopped being about making myself do the opposite of what I liked and preferred.  At some point, the struggle became about what it needed to have been about.  At some point, I moved on.  And I didn't realize it at the time.  I just knew, one day, that I was ok to lose weight.  But I'd said that would be easy, once upon a time.  I'd thought to myself, it's as easy as making the decision.  HA!

Fast forward to now, or at least slightly into the future...how will I feel in the moment?  I don't know.  Because the last time I was there, I had not been raped, I had not decided to play with my weight to give myself protection, I was not 34, I was not married and hoping to start a family soon, I was not yet in my chosen career, I was not even out of college, I had not been around the world twice, I had not lost either of my parents, I still had my closest friends living right next door to me; the last time I was there, I had a completely different set of circumstances.  I don't know what it will be like with my circumstances now.

I've been grappling with the changes coming for a little while now and just this morning I asked my sweet hubby if he thought I would change.  He didn't know what I was asking - and truth is, neither did I.  But reading Jen from Oregon's comments in her third blog, it made something click.  I would love to think I'll be who I was when I was there before.  But I'm not that person anymore.  I have understandings now that I didn't have then.  I have lost pieces of me now that I still had then.  Times are different, things are different, so presumably, I will be different.

And that's something to watch for, I think.  I don't want to lose me.  I don't want to become someone I don't like.  And it's so easy to see how that could happen.

Wow.

03/25/10: Part 3 of "The Plan"

I updated part 2 of "The Plan" with this info but want to make sure it gets read, so I'm starting with it right here and right now.  I added this as a comment and I added it to the blog in case anyone in the future reads the blog without reading the comments (as I do when I'm "catching up" on someone else's blog sometimes).

So here's the comment I added about swimming immediately after surgery:

I am allowed to swim/soak in the hot tub because my surgeon uses internal stitches with dermabond on the skin. Dermabond is an airtight barrier - no air will even cross that "bond". So the stitches and wounds will be completely dry even though completely submersed. Because of this, I can also take showers from the start.

If you have staples or exposed stitches, you cannot swim or even shower. Pools are really cesspools of bacteria and other little critters we can't see - no matter how clean and chlorinated they are. You CANNOT risk getting those critters and bacteria in the wound. Swimming/hot tub soaking are ONLY options when dermabond is used.

Sorry if there was any confusion.

And the last thing I'll say - it was the peeps at my bariatric center that told me I could swim/soak. If you are curious about your situation - ask your surgeon.
 
So with that, onto today...
 
Before I forget again, yesterday was good.  I could not drink all of my afternoon shake.  I just couldn't.  I was so not hungry, so not wanting it - and trying to drink it so that I "could get enough protein" was proving to make me sick.  So I didn't drink all of it.  I get 26g of protein in six ounces of water with my chosen protein (Isopure zero carb) and I think, after drinking about four ounces, that I was still in the ballpark of 20 ozs for the "meal".  So I was happy.  And my stomach was, too.  It was pretty funny, really, to be so full from friggin liquids.
 
For dinner, we forgot we had a meeting up here in town (Houston's a "town" ya know) and so we had to eat out as we weren't going to get home until 8:30 or 9.  So we went to a Cheddar's where I ordered grilled salmon with broccoli and green beans.  I was able to order the lunch portion which was probably exactly at 4oz.  I had to beg them to leave the rice off the plate.  I think they thought I was asking for a cheaper bill - and I wasn't.  I just didn't want them to serve me the rice.  I literally had to beg for that.  But such is life.
 
And so, for the tally...
 
Yesterday = 246**
Today = 245
 
Yesterday was really 246.8 and today was really 245.0.  So it's, in my pea brain, a 2 lb loss since I round where ever it helps me most.  Round 246.8 to 246.  Round 1.8 to 2.  Even though that rounding already gave me the benefit, I'll take it again.  Not scientific - but I'm using fuzzy math here for the sake of sanity.
 
So now...onto Part 3 of "The Plan"
 
This won't be long, I promise.  This is all the other.  Most notably to me, it's the hair, skin and bodily functions.
 
So with the hair.  Here's my plan.  Ok, this one won't be that short.  I have short hair.  I don't want short hair.  It got butchered almost a year ago when I cut it off for the summer.  I was teaching swim lessons 6 days a week for anywhere from 2-4 hours a day.  I wanted easy hair.  I went to my stylist/friend and said short.  She took short as pixie like.  Literally.  There was not enough of it to lay down - it stood up.  It was SHORT!  I hated it.
 

I immediately went to work "growing it out".  But my friend/stylist died last summer.  Sad sad story.  And I was left with finding someone new to help with this endeavor of keeping it decent without hacking it back to SHORT.  Yeah, it just kept getting hacked back.  To make it worse, the cuts were all hideous and so it was hacked AND not decent.

 

I finally found someone this year - about two months ago - that I like.  I was finally getting some hair back to work with, something that could be used to create a style that would be decent until I could get some length back.  I blogged about it back then.  Yeah.  She hacked.  But it was a fabulous cut!  I was refreshed.  It was such a decent cut that I still haven't been back in for a trim.  It needs it now.  But I will wait until next weekend when it's time for my sweet hubby to get his next cut.  I have all that she hacked off grown back and then some now...but it isn't in a style I like.  I want to get enough length so that I can get it to a style I like.  And once I have that style, I will leave my hair there until the hair problems from anesthesia have passed.  At that point, I'll finally let myself grow it back.  If I can get to this style I'm after for this temporary short hair fix, it will be easy to grow from there.  Here's a pic.

 

 

Now, that pic was taken when I was 19.  I'm not trying to recapture that era of my life.  That picture just shows what the back does a little and that's the part that makes me really like this cut.  It's not just a super short bob - although I like that aspect, too.  I like the neck line that gets created.

 

And honestly, I think I have enough hair to get that accomplished - although it would be shorter right now, and that's ok.  I just hope she will do that next weekend and not go for layers.  Everyone ALWAYS wants to layer my hair and I can't stand layers.  I just can't!  Especially since they aren't conducive to regrowing hair.  You have to keep them trimmed to keep them neat and if I have to trim every 4 weeks...well, guess what doesn't happen.  GROWTH!  Sheesh.

 

So that's my plan.  Leave it short until it's all good.  And then I can't wait to have a shoulder length bob.  Just enough to put up but not too much.

 

So the skin.  I know I have to drink drink drink drink drink water.  And honestly, I see this as my biggest struggle.  To not drink with meals and to wait the half hours sometimes only after, sometimes both before and after, well, it just gets the way.  That's a lame excuse and I know it.  I can say, I am eager for the day when what I currently drink is actually enough.  Right now, I easily get in about 80 ounces of water every day.  I need to be in the 120 ballpark right now.  I just can't get those 40.  But for the sake of my skin, I'm trying.  I think, between the exercise plan I have and working on water, that is my best bet for trying to battle skin.  I'm also banking (a little, just a little) a little on my age working in my favor.  I'm hoping that at 34 my skin still understands what rebound is supposed to mean.  I don't have any illusions that I'm 20 and it will just be all peachy.  I understand that I'm 34 and that time and gravity are starting to work against me.  But I also am hoping that not being 60 plays in just a little.  I am good with my skin - I keep it clean and clear, I wear sunscreen in the sun.  I don't even wear makeup, just about ever.  I'd say I put it on about 3-4 times a year.  It's not that I don't like it, I just can't be bothered, really.  I have a good, even skin tone and a healthy complexion.  I do try to pamper my skin with light lotions and potions to keep it healthy and happy.  And this combo, the pampering, the water, the exercise - I am just hoping it works.  Only time will tell, eh?

 

And if it doesn't, I'll consider other options later.  I'm probably going to consider other options anyway.

 

And finally.  Bodily functions.

 

So water...It makes you pee.  I like to pee.  Clear pee.  I like it.  It tells me I'm taking care of myself.  When I pee clear pee, I also poo quite easily, too.  So water is my response to this, too.  I am also adding fiber to my smoothie in the morning.  And if I do get backed up (TOM ends up causing back up issues - always has) then I have fiber wafers I munch on in the evenings to get just another dose of fiber in the day.  But my majorist plan of attack on the bodily functions is water water water.

 

At the heart of it all, it's really water!  To exercise like I want to - I need water.  Both inside my body to make the weightlifting possible - and in the pool.  :)  To eat well and minimally - water.  Not at meals, but around them.  To help my skin and hair - water.  And to make sure bodily functions stay functioning - water.

 

Ever heard that before?  That you need water?  :)

 

I might do a final plan part tomorrow - or at some point in the future, to discuss how I expect things to go forward in maintenance.  Still figuring out how to articulate some of that, though, so may not be tomorrow.

 

And one last thing to share today.  I have called my insurance company twice this week.  Dangit but I wish they would give me an answer!  On Monday the friendly helpful lady I talked to said it all looked good - if it was going to be kicked back for incomplete or inaccurate paperwork, it would have done so by then.  It was in review.  I called again yesterday and the not so friendly or helpful (but not mean) lady didn't have anything to say other than "it's in review".  I will probably call again on Friday.  It's so funny, reading other stories - some people's insurance co's tell them what to expect, they communicate and keep them in the loop.  Mine...I just feel like another number.  I'm in the cattle car at their beck and whims.  There is absolutely no personality involved.  It's corporate.  I would love it if they could say to me, this person is the one handling your case, would you like to talk to him/her?  But the team is hidden from me and I can't have access to them.  I would love if if they could say to me, we are expected to have an answer to you by Friday April 9th.  Fine, I'll stop calling.  Or slow down anyway.  But this impartial attitude with no go-to source...it really sucks.  And add to this that I have no idea what to expect...it's making me a little cuckoo.  I mean...will my ins co call my advocate and tell her the answer?  Or will someone email it?  Or will they call me?  Or will I be able to see something online in my claims info?  How will I be informed?  Will I have to wait for the mail?  If my advocate is at least contacted, will she call me?  Will she email me?  (We've been emailing back and forth pretty steady this week now that she's back from vacation and I like her.  As frustrated as I was two weeks ago, I am alllllll past that now!)  Should I be checking my email every five seconds for the answer?  I do that anyway.  Should I carry my phone with me at all times?  Should I forward my home phone to my cell phone in case they call that number.  I just have no idea what to expect.  I could ask...but what fun would that be?  :)

 

Ok, I'll ask.  When I call tomorrow...I'll ask the ins co about how I'll end up being notified.  And I'll send an email to my advocate asking what's happened in the past.  I think she has a contact at my ins co that keeps her in the loop.  That's what I think is the story, anyway.  But I hate assumptions.  Hate them.  So I shall stop assumptioning and just get an answer!  :)

 

I hope everyone is having a great week.  I went from three Monday's in a row to what now today feels like it should be a Saturday.  Dangit!

03/24/10: I forgot again

So today is day 3 of the pre-op diet for real.

Did I tell you that when I went to the pre-op last week, turns out, what I had in hand as their rules for the pre-op is no longer true.  They gave me a copy of the pre-op back in Oct when I started the "unweightloss" program.

They gave me a copy of the now pre-op last Weds.

Mostly the same.  Save...there are a few more can'ts.  Can't have potatoes, carrots and bananas.  Knew that.

Add to that...can't have any sort of beans.  Can't have corn.  Can't have most fruits.  Shouldn't have anything other than "green leafy vegetables.

So it's really limited what I can have.

Yesterday, like I said, I was soo not hungry.  I had some beef jerky I brought for a snack and I wanted the beef jerky but I did not want the food.  I didn't eat it.

For dinner we grilled pork tenderloin medallions marinated in "Mojo de Ajo".

Here's a recipe for Mojo de Ajo:

Ingredients


3/4 cup olive oil
3 whole guajillo chiles*
3/4 cup bottled minced garlic
5 tablespoons fresh lime juice
1 1/2 teaspoons salt

Preparation

1. Heat oil in a 2-qt. saucepan over medium heat to 350°. Using tongs, submerge 1 chile into oil, and cook 5 seconds; remove and drain on paper towels. Let cool 5 minutes or until completely cool. Repeat with remaining 2 chiles. Remove and discard stems. Process remaining portion of chiles in food processor 30 seconds to 1 minute or until crumbled into small flakes.

2. Cook garlic in hot oil in same saucepan over medium heat, stirring occasionally, 3 to 4 minutes or until golden. Let stand 5 minutes.

3. Stir in chile flakes, lime juice, and salt. Store in an airtight container in refrigerator up to 5 days. Allow mixture to come to room temperature before using.

*2 Tbsp. sweet paprika may be substituted. Omit Step 1; proceed with recipe as directed, stirring in paprika with lime juice and salt in Step 3.

Just so you know - it is sooo not spicy.  It's very light and has a little tang.  All four of us at the table were oo-ing and aw-ing our way through the meal.

We have a vacuum marinator that marinates things in about 15 minutes.  We love that thing and we got it out last night to get the pork ready.  Threw the pork medallions on skewers with onions and zucchini and grilled it all after the marinating was done.  It was such amazing flavor.

Now the interesting thing was, when dinner was ready I got my handy dandy scale out and put my plate on it.  I measured out 4oz of pork medallions and then 8 oz of zucchini and onions.  OMG - I can't eat that much anyway!  And I certainly couldn't yesterday!  I ended up putting about half the veggies back to have my normal sized serving.  Who knew! 

And then desert was a cup of hot vanilla bean tea.  Yummy stuff. 

Today the hunger is a little more normal.  But...the desire to eat is disappearing more and more each day.  Interesting.

Last thing I'll share...

Yesterday = 248
Today = 246

03/24/10: Part 2 of "The Plan"

Good Morning y'all!

It's Wednesday.  It so does not feel like Wednesday.  I swear I've had three Monday's now this week.  But somehow, with all these Monday's in a row...the weekend is still creeping closer and closer.  Odd week.

So now for Part 2 of "The Plan"

Today it's exercise.  I've alluded to my program previously and even asked if there was interest in what it is.  I've been meaning to blog this for awhile, so here is, for those who are interested, specific details will be at the end.

As I said yesterday, I will be able to swim and soak in the hot tub immediately following surgery.  I don't foresee this happening, unfortunately.  We heated our pool last week for the March Madness open house and then turned the heater off Friday afternoon.  Saturday was a rainy gloomy day with thunderstorms passing over periodically - so no swimming.  And Sunday was cold (for this time of year) and windy, so we knew we wouldn't be swimming Sunday as well.  So the heater is back off.  By the time Saturday was done, our water temp had cooled back into the low-60's.  If these cold fronts continue, it will be mid-May before the pool gets reasonable.  Not too bad...but I am hoping for surgery in April.  So I don't foresee swimming the day after surgery.

If I did, I would be working more on aquarobics.  Something less intense and more easily adaptable to sore port areas.  I say that because proper swim techniques require a lot of use of the abs.  So I don't foresee full on swimming until things are healed.  Doing aquareobics, I could focus on legs and arms while just working on keeping the abs stabilized.  It would give me the benefits of exercise without over-exertion.  It's a thought - but it really depends on what the water temps do.  If the pool can get itself, on it's own, into the 70's, I can see using the heater to bump it up.  But running the heater for extended times is EX...PENNNNN....SIVE!

So we shall see.

My exercise routine will be fully implemented only after I am fully cleared and on solid foods.  If my energy dips, the exercise is going to be too extreme.  I have four weeks after surgery before I am back on solid foods with "freedom" to get in "enough".  I won't be going crazy on anything exercise related until I can sustain it.  I live in flat flat flat country, so walking is really not strenuous.  Aside from the bad foot getting mad about extended trips, walking is easy-peasy for me.  So walking it will be until I am ready to hit the weights...unless the pool is a good temp, which I doubt it will be.

All that to say nothing.  Don't you love reading my blog?  :)

So my much aclaimed (by me, anyway) weight lifting program.

It's a six week cycle.  It goes like this:

• In the first week you lift very very very very light weights and do a zillion and one reps in three sets.  This week will be more of an aerobic workout.  You will not feel a burn but you will get the heart and lungs working.
• In the second week you lift moderate weights and do moderate reps in three sets.  You will be doing an anaerobic and aerobic workout.  You will feel a burn and you will also get the heart and lungs working.
• In the third week you lift crazy heavy weights and do very very very few reps in three sets.  You might not even be able to do three sets as you are trying to lift crazy heavy weights.  You are pushing what you can safely do here.  You will be doing an anaerobic workout.  You will feel the burn only.
• In the fourth week, you repeat what you did the second week.
• In the fifth week, you repeat what you did the first week.
• In the sixth week, you do nothing.  You can walk - but it would be more for enjoyment, not for "working out purposes".  The purpose is to reset your metabolism again.  The purpose is to rest.

I have done this in the past and lost 40 pounds in about two months without changing what I ate.  That was back in the day before I started eating as badly as I was just prior to the "unweightloss" program.  I also did this, in the past, where I did the five week cycle and did not take the sixth week off.  But I wanted to keep the muscle in that case.  If you feel you are bulking up from this, that sixth week is important.  It does let the muscle begin to atrophy a little.

When I do this on the five week cycle, to keep it fresh, I add weight to each starting point.  When I do this on the six week cycle, I can keep my weights the same.

So, let's take an example of bicep curls.  Easy peasy bicep curls for me use about 10 lbs dumbbells.

Week 1 - 8 lbs.  (easier than easy.)  Do 3 sets of 20.
Week 2 - 11 lbs (slightly harder than easy.)  Do 3 sets of 12
Week 3 - 20 lbs (pretty dang hard.)  Do as many as you can.  If it's 3 sets of 4.  Great.  If it's only 4 total.  Great.  You are shooting for being able to do between 4 and 6 reps.  And you want to push what you think you can do here.  You may have to use the rest of your body to get your bicep to curl, too.  That's ok.  PUSH IT.
Week 4 - 11 lbs again.  It will be way easier than it was in week 2.
Week 5 - 8 lbs again.  It will be way too super easy.  But your heart will be working and that's the goal.

If you get to week 5 and immediately start over, then in week 1 (i.e. week 6) you would move to 10 lbs starting.

If you take week 6 off.  Then start the same regimen over exactly.

In the past, I did weightlifting every night of the week and swimming 2-3 times a week.  I limited workouts to Mon-Fri (working out all five days all the time) and while I did workout on weekends, I didn't count them. 

This time around I will weightlift Mon, Weds and Fri and swim on Tues and Thurs.  As I lose weight and start getting more concerned with toning, I may up that to every night of the week.

In the past, working out five days a week with weights, I would do Mon/Weds = lower back and legs, Tues/Thurs = arms, upper back and abs.  And Fri = abs and legs.

I pick about 4-5 different exercises for arms, legs, back, abs, etc.  Arms, for example, might be, wrist extensions, wrist curls, bicep curls, tricep extensions and shoulder lifts.  When I start the program again, I can change that up, as well, to get variety.

And there's the key to this.  Variety.

You plateau because your body gets used to what you do.  If you eat the same foods - or even eat different things but always eat at the exact same time each day - your body gets used to it, anticipates what's next, and waits to chow down on calories until it gets the fresh stuff.  If you do the same workout every day - run 3 miles, you'll see progress...but it will be slow.  This program keeps your body guessing.  If your body doesn't know what's up, it will not try to anticipate and just do what it's gotta do.

Furthermore, this program builds muscle only temporarily.  You will actually only build muscle in week 3.  And if you take week 6 off, you let your body let that muscle go.  So you won't bulk up.  Muscles are at the core of our metabolism of fat, so you want muscle but being girls (most readers, anyway) we tend to not want bulky muscles.  But muscles are good stuff.

This program is so easy to adapt to your personal needs and desires.  If you want to play up your abs and not work your calves, great, do it.  I would never say ignore your thighs though.  The largest muscle in the body is in the thigh and that muscle will do more for your metabolism than any other muscle.  If you want a sexy back - then spend more time on your upper back and shoulders than on your forearms.  Most exercises you can do with free weights will play to a grouping of muscles.  Figure out which group you really want to work with and then do so.  But again, do those groups and the thighs.  Always do the thighs.

Personally, I always go for the thighs, abs, and shoulders.  The rest I change up every time.  But whatever you choose for week one of any given cycle, stick with that for the duration.  Then next time, change it up if you like.

If you have any questions or want good sources for exercises that have great how-to's for technique let me know.

If you are new to weightlifting, then I would advise a trainer to learn good technique.  But you probably only need a few sessions to do that.  And while we have a pretty decent gym at home, you really don't need much to be able to do this all at home.  I used to use an automan for a bench and did everything I wanted with one barbell and two free weight dumbbells.  I had 2 - 2.5lb irons, 4 - 5 lb irons, 4 - 10 lb irons and 4 - 25 lb irons.  I can get just about any weight combo I need just with that and all this cost under $100.  Now...we have a couple of benches, one inclines, one doesn't and a contraption that does some leg or arm/shoulder exercises that are hard to do with free weights alone (like leg curls and lat pulls).  We've also added two olympic style barbells (HEAVY!).  I also use balance balls and various things like that for all my ab work as well as to work on balance.  I have a BOSU ball that I love love love and will do my squats while balancing on that.  I also use medicine balls for ab work to get a little more oomph out of what the abs can do without having to just put an iron on my belly.

Sigh...I can't wait!


***Edited on 3/25/10 to include a comment I shared below in response to multiple comments made to me about the swimming/hot tub soaking statements I made above.  Here is the comment:

I am allowed to swim/soak in the hot tub because my surgeon uses internal stitches with dermabond on the skin. Dermabond is an airtight barrier - no air will even cross that "bond". So the stitches and wounds will be completely dry even though completely submersed. Because of this, I can also take showers from the start.

If you have staples or exposed stitches, you cannot swim or even shower. Pools are really cesspools of bacteria and other little critters we can't see - no matter how clean and chlorinated they are. You CANNOT risk getting those critters and bacteria in the wound. Swimming/hot tub soaking are ONLY options when dermabond is used.

Sorry if there was any confusion.

And the last thing I'll say - it was them at my bariatric center that told me I could swim/soak. If you are curious about YOUR situation - ask YOUR surgeon.

03/23/10: Oh yeah...and

Oh yeah....I forgot....

I am officially on the pre-op diet.  For real.  No jokes.  No back-peddling.  No hemming and hawing.  It's on.

Yesterday started it.  I drank my smoothie for breakfast.  I drank my shake for lunch.  We went to the store last night and got a tuna steak to share for dinner with fresh green beans that we roasted on the grill.  (YUM!)

Today.  Smoothie for breakfast.  Shake for lunch.  Still drinking it.  I'm so friggin stuffed - I CAN'T FINISH IT!

That TOM part of the month where I can eat a horse has past.  Now I'm in that phase where one deli-thin slice of turkey would fill me up for the day.  I'm just trying to finish the shake.

I have my beef jerkey that I am allowed to snack on and honestly, I cannot fathom putting that food anywhere near my lips.  At this rate, dinner won't even be on the menu.

I'll enjoy this as long as I can.

So...pre-op appt ... done.
pre-op approval from anesthesiologist .... done
pre-op diet ... two days in and going strong.  So if I don't eat dinner and I lose extra pounds because of it - if I can do it without a struggle - then great.  I'm so not hungry, I think it's actually a possibility.

So odd.

Yesterday 251
Today 248

03/23/10: Part 1 of "The Plan"

I am going to follow Band_Groupie's style and do this in a multiple series format. After yesterday's blog in which I blasted my surgeon as being idiotic, it really drove home for me what my plan is. I haven't necessarily sat down and said "hey, Lori, what's your plan going to be?" nor have I ever typed out or jotted down anything that could be resembled as a plan by anyone else. It's all in the pea brain. And I figure it needs to get out.

I have a plan for my diet and reasoning's for why. I have a plan for my exercise and reasoning's for why. I have a plan for my sleep, skin care, hair care, and even my bodily functions. So this will be a multi-part series covering one or more of the various topics I've managed to inadvertently develop plans for.

I will say that I seriously appreciate the blog world. I would not have inadvertently done anything if I hadn't been reading and learning all along. I appreciate everyone who has gone before me and shed light on their experiences. I appreciate everyone who ever offers a lick of support. I just appreciate it all!

I also want to say today - I am sorry for bringing up politics yesterday. I won't do it again. I crossed a line and no one here should be surprised by opening a blog about the band and weight loss and reading about politics instead. This truly is about the band and living with the band and that does not involve politics. I am sorry.

Ok

Part 1 of "The Plan"

Diet. I call it diet because what you put in your mouth is a diet. Diet is defined as "food and drink considered in terms of its qualities, composition, and its effects on health" by http://www.dictionary.com/. That is what I mean by diet. It's what we consume for the sake of nutrition. It is not what I am doing to lose weight. It is not what I am doing to build muscle. It is not what I am doing to do anything other than to live.

As you read yesterday, my surgeon believes that I should maintain a diet of incredibly limited foods with incredibly limited nutrients. But here's the catch. He also said:

"This diet is designed for those of you who will not be doing any exercise. If all you want to do is eat your way to a slimmer person, this diet is for you. If you are going to do minimal exercise, which would include walking and running, then this diet is for you. However, if you are going to weight lift at all, you cannot live on this diet alone. You must eat carbs."

He never said anything else about carbs and what I should eat. Most people in that room are not going to lift weights. Most people in that room are not going to do anything other than walk and try to maintain a life style less sedentary than they currently are living. I am not them.

I am going to weight lift. I am going to swim. I am also going to walk. And as I get smaller, I will probably revert back to trying to run/jog, too. But the key, for me, is I am going to lift weights. This does not mean I should go crazy on carbs. But it also means, for me, that I should make sure I'm getting a reasonable source of complex carbs with at least one meal. Yay for my smoothie!

So he's not all nuts. Just mostly. I don't think most people in that room were aware of blogspot or even LBT and they do not know the whole wide world open to them and all the info it contains. I wanted to shout out "go see how real people live with this. It doesn't have to be like that". But back in Oct, back before I found blogs and real life - I thought he was interesting. And most there last week were meeting this surgeon for the first time. I could see it in their eyes - they thought he was onto something. I mean, really, you mix surgery with a good ol' fashioned diet - and you don't have to exercise - and you'll lose all the weight you want?  What fat person wouldn't go for that?  There are a number of heavy people that are heavy because they don't like exercise. There are an equal number of heavy people that do like heavy exercise - but for whatever reason, they don't do it regularly. (That would be me.) And then there are those that like it and do it, too. But in the heavy world, the BMI over 40 because of flab world, I believe those are few and far between. And here is this surgeon saying 'it's ok to not exercise - I'll help you lose weight with just the food you eat.'

Now, I can't do that. It's a diet. It's a diet not with the intent of consuming necessary nutrients and sustenance. It's a diet for that dreaded sake of losing weight. And I will not "diet to lose weight".

A lot of you...A LOT...have played into the evolution of Lori's plan.

And the plan goes like this...

When I want to eat Hooter's chicken wings...I will. I will say about this that I will allow myself one visit a month. If it doesn't happen - great. It's not mandatory. But it's an option. It doesn't have to be Hooters - but if it's fried, it's greasy and it's generally on that forbidden "bad food" list, I will not be eating much of it at all - once or so a month, if at all.

My life is about options. I like options. That's really the heart of my plan. And that's really why I hate diets. No options on good ol' fashioned diets!

If I want to eat a half a sandwich on wheat toast with turkey and muenster cheese with a smidge of mayo...I will.

If I want to eat sushi for dinner as part of a celebration...I will.

I will chew and chew and chew and take my time and maybe only eat four pieces. But I will give myself that option.

I am counting on the band to tell me when I'm full. I am also counting on will power to make the wiser choice most of the time.

I have will power. I have a lot of it. I actually got fat because of will power. I will now take that same will power and use it wisely.

I already have been. Prior to this pre-op diet anyway.  I have to laugh.  I say that - but I couldn't really be doing what I wanted to do on the unweightloss program for fear that I would lose too much.  So I was, on the unweightloss program, still working to counteract my progress.  But it's interesting what doing that on purpose does to the mindset.  It took will power to make me successfully fail.  That was surprisingly difficult.  It's a relief to finally be into the realm of I can do what I want to do this right.  If this danged pre-op diet weren't standing in my way at the moment I would be thrilled.  And that's a double-edged sword.  I have to do this pre-op diet and this pre-op diet will help me lose weight.  But it's not conducive to my weight lifting so I am opting to stick with just walking until I am healed from surgery.  I could start weight lifting now but I'd be famished as I'm not getting real nutrients.  I could start weight lifting now but I'd actually screw up my cycle by not being able to finish the whole 6 week program before the interruption surgery would create.  So, weird as it is (in my head), I am still not starting the weight lifting.  It will be six weeks after surgery that I'll be let loose on my program.  In the meantime, I've got walking and when it's warmer and consistently nicer, I'll have my pool.

Side note - one thing I learned last week.  I can swim from the get-go.  Day of surgery if I wanted.  They use dermabond so the wounds would be completely sealed from the water.  On the same token that I'm allowed to shower from the get-go, I can swim, too.  Now, they said, I probably won't want to the day of surgery.  But the next day it might be surprisingly helpful with the gas.  But on the day of, if I wanted to get in the hot tub - it's an option.  And the hot tub would help a lot, they said, with the gas.  Yay for dermabond!!!!!  Honestly, I don't know that I'd swim swim.  I think I'd probably actually go for aquaroebics on the second day.  But that would be awesome!

Anyway, back to the diet.

So my "diet" of choice is one centered on options. And I can give myself those options because I will be lifting weights and swimming. That's tomorrow's blog.

So there you have it. Tomorrow's blog will explain the weightlifting program for weight loss that will kill plateaus before they start. Most people hate this idea, but weight bearing exercise is as important, if not more, than aerobic exercise. You don't have to bulk up...but when you run or dance or whatever, you take the fluids and O2 away from the muscles. Benefits in that - but not beneficial for muscle - the source of metabolism. You really need both.

03/22/10: I'm Back...

****Edited to remove content related to health care.

It's been awhile so this is old news now...I went to my pre-op appt last Weds.  I can't stand that surgeon's philosophy.  Isn't that funny?  If you have read my blog you might recall a couple of different times that I've sworn to all getout that I love his philosophy.

Yeah.  I'm so glad I follow blogs and see how the band gets applied to real life with real people.

He's NUTS!

I am supposed to spend the rest of my life never eating carbs ever again!  EVER!

I am supposed to spend the rest of my life deriving all of my nutrients from supplements!

Yes.  All. 

See...we all know (I hope) that you do not get the same amounts of nutrients from supplements as you do from food.  That little tablet that comes in a bottle may say it's 100% of your needed daily intake, but if you get 50% of what you need from it, you are doing good.  Our bodies want food.  Our bodies know how to break food down to get what is needed.  So while a supplement is all well and good...it cannot be the only source of nutrients.  It's called a supplement not a source!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  There's a reason for that!

Friggin idiot.

I will NOT live my life not eating most fruits and veggies.  I will not live my life eating ONLY protein.  Need a snack?  Eat jerky.  No dairy.  Dairy is bad for you.

WHAT?

He's an idiot. 

Yes, seriously.  Don't eat fruits and veggies.  1 cup of veggies a day - but you can only eat 4 oz a meal...and protein is first.  Make sure you get 90g of protein a day (at my current weight).  Drink what you must in order to do that.  Don't eat fruits and veggies until you've had all your protein.

Absurd.

I wanted to laugh.  I wanted to laugh hysterically.  But even I, the majorist idiot of all, know that I just need to shut up and get the surgery done.

When all is said and done, I will see this surgeon two more times.  He will not do fills.  He has to do surgery.  Fine.  Go.  He does one follow-up.  Then my RNP does the rest of the visits from there til the end of time.

I like my RNP - who is banded and is applying real life to a real band.  I even, get this, like my nutritionist NOW.  I don't have to like my surgeon.  I just have to get him to do what I want...so I'll play his stupid game.  For two weeks.  Or until surgery.

He did have interesting points for this pre-op diet, though.

Purpose #1) to remove glycogens from your liver.  Glycogens make your liver hard which makes your liver hard to move.  A liver that is hard to move is easier to knick.  Given that the liver is filled with blood at all times, a knicked liver is something that bleeds a lot.  That means a longer surgery.  Make your liver not be hard.  It makes it easier to have a safe surgery.  And he was blunt - "it saves [him] time".

Purpose #2) the more you lose, the more fill he starts you with.  If it looks like you weren't serious, i.e. your liver is still hard, then you get no fill.  If it looks like you were serious, i.e. your liver is as floppy as floppy can be - then you get 4cc's to start.  Otherwise, where ever your liver falls in that spectrum of hard-to-floppy dictates how much fill you get.

Interestingly enough, there was an article my husband read this weekend that was talking about that America's epidemic with obesity is probably related to high glycogen content in the liver.  The liver can't function properly.

Furthermore, I want 4cc's!

Talk about a good head start!

So my starting weight was taken at the pre-op.  I was down 2 from the last weigh-in of the unweightloss program.

I proceeded, on thurs and fri, with the March Madness open house going on, to relax and decided to just enjoy my time off, the gorgeous weather and whatever.  Thursday that equated to eating all protein.  No veggies, no fruit, no carbs.  Just protein.  I did have dairy in the form of cheese.  (ooh..bad girl! she says dripping with sarcasm)  Friday morning I was down 4 pounds from my Thursday morning weight.

Friday, though, my neighbors won.  They brought sandwiches and chips and cake.  DANGIT!  It's not that I never want to eat the stuff...but I don't want it right now.  But since I was relaxed, I ate it.

Saturday...I was up 3 pounds from my Friday morning weight.

Saturday I ate a few more pieces of cake..yeah...a few.  I figured to &^%$ with it.  Wrong attitude...no excuses...

But Saturday I was sick sick sick.  I was hacking up lungs and I slept all day.  I could not drink water because of what is going on with the lung thing - just this nasty taste in my mouth.  So I gave myself permission, in efforts to keep fluid intake up, to drink soda.  It's what I did as a kid. That was the one time my mom would let me have soda - when I didn't feel good - had the nasty taste in my mouth - and the calories of soda were not the worst thing, in fact, it was ok, since I generally wasn't getting calories from food.  I just needed fluid.  That still holds true with me.  I can't even begin to tell you what the sodas I drank on Saturday tasted like.  I just know that I can drink it when I'm sick like this...hacking up lungs...and when it's not the whole lung coming up it's green yellow mucky stuff. 

So Saturday was sodas and cake.

And Sunday I gained back that one extra pound.

So I'm back to where I was Wednesday.

And I'm hydrated.  And I'm still hacking up lungs but the taste in my mouth is going away.  Last night I wanted water.  Nothing else.  Just water.

So there.

Today is the official start of the pre-op diet.

I am allowed one cup of fruit a day - but they have to be complex carb fruits - meaning the sugars (i.e. the carbs) are coming from glucose, not fructose.  So berries, melons, apples.  No citrus.  No tropical fruits.  No to most fruits actually.

It changes my smoothie.  Now my smoothie is water, protein powder, flaxseed oil (probably bad), fiber powder and a cup of raspberries/blackberries/strawberries.  It's ok.  It's tart with the first few sips but it mellows out.  I'll be happy to get back to normal.

Oh...the fiber powder.  He said don't use it.  He said "if you follow a solid protein diet, you won't need it, you will be regular naturally".  Apparently he hasn't met my colon.  I need fruit or I need powder.  And berries aren't the fruit I need.  IDIOT!

I'm allowed one cup of veggies a day - and it's supposed to be green leafy types.  It's supposed to be with dinner.

I'm allowed 4 oz of protein with an evening meal.  Yes.  Since I'm a woman I get a whole whopping 4 oz.  Pre-band.  My hubby, being a man, gets 6oz.  He's not really on the pre-op, though, just offering support.  So he may very well eat more and I certainly won't stop him.

If I'm hungry mid-afternoon I can eat jerky.  That's it.  My only snack.  Jerky.

No sugar, no carrots, no potatoes, no...there's a few more no's.  I need to look tonight to remember what they are.

Now that I've described the pre-op diet I'll add that I am supposed to follow this exact diet for the rest of my life.  Nuts.  Absolutely NUTS!  As you can see, supplements would be necessary - because where else will I get my nutrients?  I mean, no dairy?  Ever?  Really?  And not just no dairy.  No soy milk, no almond milk, no rice milk...no anything that even remotely resembles MILK!   No cheese, no soy cheese, no cheese alternatives.  I'm not into deprivation.  I'm into wise choices MOST OF THE TIME!  IDIOT.

In this pre-op comedy session I asked about a prescription for actigall to prevent gallstone formation.  I said I know of many banders who are having to or have had to have their gallbladders removed.

He said "Let me correct you, they are not banders, they are bypass patients, this does not happen to Lap-Band patients".

I'm sorry.  Who the FRUCK do you think you are?

IDIOT!

No, he will not write a 'scrip for that.  "The 'medicine costs $1800 a month and the surgery will be cheaper.  Just have the surgery if that happens."  He also said "If a bander is having attacks, they already had the stones before they lost the weight and their surgeons are bad as that should have been caught."

Say it with me.  "IDIOT!"

I found out at the end of the session, when they don't have enough lap-band patients, they work on gall-bladder-ectomies.  Like my word?  But really, it's their other source of income.

So I plan to talk to my PCP about this.  And if it ever comes to that - I WILL NOT GO BACK TO HIM!

He's an idiot.

It's a new week.  Stay tuned to tomorrow's blog for a few more thoughts/developments from the pre-op appt.