05/17/10: A Blog for the sake of blogging!

Happy Monday y'all!  Are there such things as happy mondays?  I'm eternally optimistic that they can happen.  But to date, I can't recall a Monday I've been excited about...

Ok, that's probably a stretch...but generally, I much prefer Fridays (especially at 4:30) to Mondays (especially at 6:30).

Not much going on in my world.  We had a wonderful weekend.  Houston was socked in with rain on Friday night which made getting home fun.  Irony is it didn't rain much at our casa.  But we got hit pretty good on Saturday.  I'm worried about my veggies now, they are drowning because the water couldn't/wouldn't drain off - there was that much.  I will be eager to see the garden tonight and see if it's improving.  Sprinklers are off for awhile now - pretty crazy to go from needing to water 5 days a week, already, in May, to nothing...that much rain.  Not a true flooding event like various locales throughout the US have experienced this year.  Just a sub-par drainage system....

Because of the rain on Saturday, it forced us to just chill through the day.  There was brief talk about organizing the closet but we decided to organize the DVR instead.  We got a number of things off that DVR finally!

Saturday night we went to the wedding I mentioned on Friday.  It was a fun time!  I realized as we were heading "up" to the wedding that it was actually our second wedding to attend together.  That first was pretty memorable, eh?  The first was one of my hubby's best friend's brother.  Not only did we attend that very nice wedding, we were with the two best buds from high school (for my hubby) and we even attended the rehearsal dinner.  Odd to forget such things.

Sunday we finished moving/helping our neighbor's daughter.  She had a few odds and ends of things to get from her mom's house, our neighbor.  So that was easy.  :)  We helped her get her tv mounted and then moved onto our own house.

We got our gym back in order - with the insurance crap saying I had to "fail" my supervised weightloss program, I gave up weightlifting as I was not going to fail if I did pursue my favorite form of exercise, outside of swimming, anyway.  So the gym kind of became a storage room...it is no longer a storage room.  Being cleared for weightlifting now, I am starting my routine/regime tonight.  Moving/helping our friend yesterday I was using some muscles in the shoulder area that haven't been used for awhile and they are telling me today that they are appreciative of the indulgence.  I love the soreness that comes from muscles being awoken!  So since the muscles are already waking, I'll start tonight with legs and lower abs/back.

With the routine finally being able to be in full force here is how my weekend evenings will play out.

Mon = weightlift for ~an hour.  Focus on legs/lower abs/back
Tues = swim and/or walk for an hour.  This will be weather dependent - if t-storms are passing through I won't have much of a choice.
Weds = weightlift for ~an hour.  Focus on shoulders/chest/arms/upper abs
Thurs = swim and/or walk for an hour.
Some combo of Fri/Sat/Sun = a second hit of each weightlifting routine.  For example, Fri and Sun - Fri would repeat Mon and Sun would repeat Weds.

This is my five week routine in which I will start tonight with low low weight (almost too easy type "low") and I will do many many many reps.  I will do this all week.  Next week I will increase the weight and decrease the reps.  Third week - increase weight again to crazy high (max that I can safely do) and do "as many reps as I can" - which may only be 3.  Fourth week, repeat second.  Fifth week, repeat first.

When following this routine, there is an option for a sixth week off.  I have found in the past that taking that week off throws my routine off and ends up sidetracking me.  So in efforts to keep this going, I will most likely be skipping that week off.  However, if weightloss is stagnant or plateauing, that sixth week will actually be necessary.  So while it isn't likely that I'll take it, I won't say "I won't".

With the weightlifting starting tonight - I feel like I can finally say - "Let the Journey Begin!"  All the weightloss here to now has been easy.  There I said it.  I've done nothing to get here.  I will do everything going forward.

In case I need to explain that - here's how it breaks down.

1) The "unweightloss" program.  I threw out junk food and sodas and went back to eating like I was raised with - healthy, balanced, lean, light.  I lost 12 pounds over 5 months.
2) The "pre-op" diet.  I threw out healthy, balanced eating for a predominantly liquid diet.  I really didn't have much of a choice here, was making my surgeon happy.  I lost 12 pounds over a month.
3) The "post-op" diet.  Healthy and balanced eating made a return but exercise was limited due to recovery and healing.  While I pushed the limits, I also learned a lot about how the band is working with me - and vice versa.  I've lost 11 pounds predominantly without exercising - some walking here and there but nothing consistent - this phase has also been a little over a month.

So here I go...onto the next stage!...with no goals...and no timeframes in mind, either...so so very odd....

Happy Monday, y'all!

04/11/10: Less than 12 hours

This is predominantly going to be a photo post.  I have pictures of the items I have received from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.  And then I have pictures of all the yardwork that was done this weekend.

Unfortunately, not all of the yardwork was completed.  We still have to put together the raised garden beds and layout our anti-weed/grass fabric as we are starting these gardens on top of what is currently grass.  By the time we got done with what we really wanted to do today, we just did not have the energy to mess with the raised beds.  No worries there, we don't have the top soil, anyway.  We will have our gardeners do the filling when they lay fresh mulch for us.  So I would imagine that best case scenario, I wouldn't be able to get my seedlings in the ground until next weekend - and my sweet hubby knows that he will be doing that for me.  But, again, no worries, I haven't even started my seedlings yet.  I will play with that this week, actually, when I feel like it.

Other than yardwork, my big news of the day is that I'm excited.  My post-op liquid diet will be more interesting with more available options than this pre-op diet has.  I'm excited.  I can have apple sauce and oatmeal, my info sheets tell me.  I can have pudding - SF or real; I can have orange juice; I can have creamy soups and I can even have my smoothie the way I like it!

I'm excited. 

How pathetic is that that the post-op diet has more choices and options than the danged pre-op diet?  I won't care that it's liquiuds for seven days, I think, because it has far more variety than what I currently get.

Then I have two weeks on mushies.  And just think of all the things I get to add in then.

I'm excited!

Ok, now for the pics.

Ok, this is from Band_Groupie.  I am actually wearing a pink cami that I already had.  It doesn't really look pink, though, but it is.  :)

Ok, in this pic, the pants are from Band_Groupie and I'm using a sweater that I love.  These pants are still just a smidge too tight - especially around the waist.  I'm surprised they fit in the thighs.  Although they can certainly be looser.  :)

They are a very fine black and white striped pant - although you can't really see that in the pic.

This dress is from Kinzie.  I don't have any dresses that fit right now and so it's nice to have one.  Add to that I just love this dress!  It's super comfy and my sweet hubby keeps telling me how flattering it is!  Gotta love that!!

Another from Kinzie.  She sent this one to me with the tags still on it!  I should get a lot of wear out of this blouse as it's still snug around the hips.  I love the color in this blouse.  Very spring and summer-y!

Another one from Kinzie.  This is my favorite green.  This green can make my eyes do the coolest things.  And my grandmother will be proud - if she had her way, I'd only wear this color!

Another one from Kinzie.  I must admit, of all the clothes I received from Kinzie, I think this blouse is at the top of my love love love it list.  It is so cute, so comfy, so feminine and so easy.  Looking at the pic right now, I don't have it bloused very well but that's me, not the blouse.  :)

And that's it for the clothes.  I love the variety this adds and the color, too.  I had ended up with the typical fat-girl closet of nothing but black clothes.  And I also only had about 4 outfits I could wear to work right now.  So this totally expands my weekday wardrobe as well as my weekend wardrobe.  Yay for me!  Thank you so much, Band_Groupie and Kinzie!!!

Next up are pictures from the yards.  We did a lot of work this weekend but it's not done.  We will have our gardeners do the fresh mulch for us and we still have to build the raised beds yada yada yada.  In the meantime, this is a great start.  My sweet hubby will work on getting the teak furniture sanded and blasted this week so that our furniture, once again, looks inviting.  So here is...

04/11/10: Less than 24 hours

Are you sensing a theme here?  There will be one more blog tonight.  I will be doing a fashion show of clothes I got from the sisterhood of the traveling pants, namely BG and from Kinzie, in my case.  I will also show some pics of my yards.  Cause so far, they are lookin real perty!!!

Yesterday was interesting.  Given that my diet is anything but a nutritional diet right now, I've been having to take laxatives.  Adding fiber to my "shakes" was just nowhere near enough, if you can believe that.  So I resorted to laxatives.  YUCK!

Friday night, in efforts to really get things moving for once and for all, I took two.

Yeah.  While it worked, it led to a not so fun Saturday.

I woke up early yesterday cause I had to fart and somehow I knew that it wasn't just going to be gas.  I was right.  I spent all morning back and forth between the couch and the toilet.  Wouldn't have been such a big deal except for we were trying to get to various home improvement stores and nurseries so I could buy plants.  And raised beddings for gardens.  And little storage sheds, 1 for pool chemicals and 1 for pool toys.  We wanted to get the pool chemicals out of the big shed as the chlorine containers are not sealed well and we had everything rust pretty badly over the winter since we weren't in and out like normal.  We also were looking for a few other things like fluorescent bulbs and fabric softener.

Yeah, we get our fabric softener at home improvement stores.  Our grocery store used to carry the Tide Total Care complete line - detergent and fabric softener.  About 3 months ago they quit carrying the fabric softener.  We love that stuff - both for the fragrance and for the wonderful-ness of the product.  And we've discovered that we can get this stuff at home improvement stores.  Odd.  Who thinks of Lowe's for fabric softener?

So we finally headed out around noon and I was fine for our first two stops, which were just little in-out stops at Ross and Best Buy.  Then we went to Lowe's, specifically for cedar plank raised flower/garden beds that are on sale this week.  Got there...and...I had to go!!!  So I run off to the bathroom and yada yada yada.

Meet back up with the hubby and we start talking about what the plan is and...I had to go again!!!  So I run of to the bathroom again and yada yada yada.

Meanwhile, my sweet hubby is trying to get things together based on what little we were able to talk about.  I meet up with him again and we try to finish the conversation.  We sat down at a table in the outdoor section and chatted about thoughts and I was fine.  So then we head off to the farthest corner in the store away from the bathroom.  And just about 25 feet from getting to that farthest corner possible...I have to go again!!!  So I run of to the bathroom again this time thinking now I have problems and I need to go home.  I relay that message to my sweet hubby who then takes what little we've gotten so far and checks out.

I get to the bathroom and discover I'm actually ok.  And I take care of business and I'm sitting there and I feel different this time, like this might actually be the last stop.  So I send a text message to hubby saying let's give it one more try.  Mind you, this is about two hours after we headed out and now probably an hour after getting to Lowe's. 

So my sweet hubby takes the purchases out to the truck, loads em up, then heads back in to meet up with me.  And I was right, I was fine for the rest of the day.  I proceeded to fill my two level cart up to the brim with plants and a replacement lemon tree.  My sweet hubby takes his trolley off to get the little sheds and stepping stones and the raised flower/garden beds.

I finally get done picking out plants and he finally gets done getting all the other stuff and we check out and head out.  Man, that was not a cheap trip to Lowe's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  :|

From there we headed to lunch.  I got me my favorite burger on lettuce sans bun with tomato and onion.  It was fantastic.  It was real food.  I was in heaven.  We love those "iceburgers" so much that my sweet hubby even ordered one yesterday.  I noticed on their menu board yesterday afternoon that an iceburger has 235 calories while the same burger on a bun has 435 calories.  Pretty amazing.

Next stop - HOME.  I was able to get all I wanted at Lowe's so we skipped the stop at the nurserie.  Given that our truck bed was completely full, I don't know that we needed to spend any more money or buy anymore stuff anyway.  And we have an extended bed - with a bed extender for the tailgate...so it was a LOT of stuff...

Got home and got everything unloaded.  My sweet hubby went to work on building the sheds, which didn't get finished because the daylight ran out.  He is putting stepping stones down in the grasss, after digging the grass up, to make sure the little sheds have a level surface while trying to change the natural drainage of the yard as little as possible.  I went to work on getting things planted and a few more things trimmed that I've noticed since my last time getting out there a couple weeks ago.  I was able to finish the front yard but didn't have enough daylight for finishing the backyard.  We got home @3pm and worked solidly until 8pm.  My sweet hubby had to go back to Lowe's one more time for additional stepping stones for his side and more plants for me.

We finally got ourselves inside and cleaned up and my sweet hubby decides to order pizza for dinner.

ARGH.

I hate pizza.  But it sounds so good right now.  I've learned that I hate pizza because I hate pizza sauce.  So we order it with the pizza sauce either really light or not at all.  We also order thin crust which means less pizza sauce anyway.  After I get past the pizza sauce thing, what's not to love?  Bread?  love it.  Cheese?  love it.  Sausage, pepperoni, ground beef, onions, black olives?  love it all.  That's MY favorite pizza - with no sauce.  So how does my sweet hubby order it?  Just like that with light sauce.  ARGH.

I did have two bites.  He let me.  He told me to pick out which bite I wanted and so I moved things around to get the best bit possible.

And today the scale is up a pound.  GRRR...

Ok, I don't think it's because of the pizza.  I don't think it's because of the iceburger, either.  I know, sounds whacky, eh?  I think it's because I was out in the flowerbeds for five hours yesterday digging and pulling and finagling and trimming and I was using muscles that haven't been used for quite awhile.  Add to that 3 hours of walking around stores (except for when I was on the toilet) and I think that this pound is because of using my body like I haven't been for awhile.  I don't know that this pound will come off by tomorrow.  But I'm sure going to try today to make it.

After we were cleaned up and fed - hubby with his pizza, me with my oh-so-wonderful chicken broth and protein powder, we sat down to watch some of the good ol' boob tube.  We watched Hoarders last night, on TLC.  Watched a couple of episodes before moving into the bedroom to curl up in the wonderful new bed.

I must admit, night two on this bed was a zillion times better than night one.  Night one I fought the new pillow.  Last night I went back to my good ol' wonderful foam pillow that has give.  I call it bounce.  I love it. My head goes into the pillow and isn't completely held up by the pillow, like the Tempurpedic.  We also had the mattress protectors on the bed the first night and I decided they had to go.  Those protectors are plastic on one side and something breathable on the side that is up.  They are better than most protectors but it still leads to the side that is on the bed, backside, left side, whatever, just gets hot because there is no air moving around.  I was tossing and turning on night one because of that.  I just can't do protectors.  I should.  I should suck it up and get over it.  But I'm just not all that worried about it.  I learned to not pee in the bed A LONG LONG time ago.  Maybe someday it will become necessary again, to use protectors, but I just don't see these mattresses being around by then.

A good night's sleep is worth the risk to me, basically.

So anyway.  Now it's Sunday.  Yay.  Less than 24 hours left!!!  At this point, it's less than 23, too.  I'm counting until when surgery is supposed to start, not from when I get to the bariatric center.

Today it's back out in the yard to pull out more plants and put more new plants in.  I did a good cleanup of the backyard yesterday, too - something that hadn't really been done when I got out there to do the front yard a few weeks back.  My sweet hubby will get the sheds finished and then we will probably just chill out for the rest of the day, whatever "the rest" entails.  Before we get outside, while I am still clean and there is good light I will be doing some more "durings" to add to my before/during/after slideshow and then the fashion show of new clothes. 

Finally, for your viewing pleasure.  My measurements from start until now.  When my unweightloss program ended, I changed my measuring days to weekly instead of monthly.  So who knows how the unweightloss program actually unfolded.

04/08/10: Wow

I have to laugh.  Somehow I've conveyed patience.  It makes me laugh.  It makes my husband laugh, too.  We both wish that I had more patience.  I don't have much.  I got that from my mom.  Ironically, I always thought she was the most patient person on the planet, I mean, she put up with me and kept a smile on her face doing so.  But she knew she had none and I realized later in our time together that she was right.  :)  At the same time I realized that, I realized I had none either, and I was ok with that.  By the by, she was fine with being impatient herself.

Calling the insurance co every other day is not patience.  Calling to complain to someone who is essentially a beauracrat, is not patience (even though said "essentially a beauracrat" is employed by a corporation, not the government, still identical in theory when they have to give "standard answers" that are scripted by "those in charge").

I am not patient.  I pulled off the calm phone call on Tuesday because I know that anger won't get me an answer - and that if it does garner an answer, that answer would probably be negative.  Anger doesn't inspire people to give you what you want.  I learned that when my mom was dieing.  I was not angry at anyone, I was just angry.  And sometimes that came out in how I treated people.  Especially when it was over the phone and I was "safe".  At the end of the day, that anger did not save my mom nor did it make me feel any better.  I had about six weeks that this lasted after the cancer came back a third time but had not yet been diagnosed as terminal.  Somehow, once the terminal diagnosis was given, I knew anger was not going to help me enjoy the last bit of time with mom and I let it go.

I do still get angry, we all do, it's a human emotion that is very real and has very real uses and purposes.  Getting angry at this situation is not going to make it better.

However, I am not patient.  If I were, I would be ok, not be blogging about it endlessly, would not be talking about it endlessly to my sweet hubby or to any of my friends who I feel I can talk to - or who ask.  If I were patient, I would not be consumed by this.  My life would be going on, pleasantly, nicely, easily and when I got my approval, I would switch gears then.  If I were patient, I would not have started the pre-op diet over three weeks ago in hopes that I can get on the schedule "that much faster".

But thank you all for thinking I am patient.  What that means to me is that while I am consumed and bothered and irritated by all this, somehow I have not lost sight of myself.  And that's good. 

So the pre-op diet.  I am following it well now.  I took the morning smoothie out of the picture because it was yuck and because it was competing with coffee and water drinking - both of which I much prefer to a "yuck" smoothie.  I have learned that I do not like berrie smoothies.  So I do not want berrie smoothies.  Once I took that smoothie out of my diet, I started getting more than enough water.

Right now, I should be getting ~120 oz of water a day.  I realized yesterday that right now, I am averaging ~150 oz of fluid intake.  ~110 oz is nothing but plain ol' good yummy water.  Another 24 oz is coffee.  You could say coffee is a diuretic and bad bad bad but I am of the camp that believes that you do get some fluid from coffee.  And finally, the remainder is in the form of chicken broth that I am putting my protein powder in.

It was quite a shock to realize I get enough water.  I don't think I was before I quit the smoothies.

I normally love my smoothies for the taste and for what it does for my colon.  But the fruit that I am getting is particularly low in fiber and with the taste being "yuck", well, it just didn't seem worth it to get those "extra" calories.  However, now that I cut that out, my calorie intake is hovering between 500-800 a day.

Not nearly enough.  Not even remotely nearly enough.  So the scale is responding.  How do you gain weight on 500 calories a day?  Ask Lori, she'll tell you how!

Dangit.

Oh well.

I do know that when my surgeon sees my food log he's going to think I'm lieing because I should be down down down given this intake.  But I'm not.  I haven't lost a pound now in over a week and a half.  That SUCKS!

In other news...

I have learned, in this process, that I was stupid.  :)  Still am, it's an inherent flaw in my person.  I can usually deal with it.  But my stupidity might have adversely affected some people and I am sorry for being stupid.  I have left some know-it-all comments all over the place on various people's blogs and how can I be a know-it-all?  I'm not even banded yet!  I am not a part of the ranks yet and here I was thinking I had great ideas that might help.  They didn't help, I now see, in fact, they just made me look stupid.

This is a learning process for all.  And I think that in thinking that I had good ideas, I was selling myself short on some of what I need to learn.  I might have some ideas.  But, if I haven't had a chance to test them out for myself, why in the world would I think suggesting it to someone else is good?

I think I've been reading banded people for so long that it's become like I'm living banded vicariously through others.  But it doesn't work.  I think I know how I will approach this because of what I've read and what I've learned thus far - but I haven't been able to test it out on myself.  Most of what I think is based on what I've read in other blogs.  But some of it is, well, if you take this bit from this blog and this bit from this blog and mix this with what I like, then this should work.  Now here, see if this works for you.  But I can't impose that on anyone.  I need to see it for myself and if it works, I can blog it and then YOU can decide if YOU like it.  Or, if it doesn't work, I can blog that and then people may decide for themselves they want to try and see if it works for them.

But here I am, this newbie, almost preaching sometimes, what 1) others already know or 2) what no one is interested in save me.  And I may or may not be interested myself after I test it on myself.

So all this to say, I'm sorry.  I'm not going to pretend like I'm not a know-it-all.  I do tend to be one of those.  And I don't do that to show you what I know and what you don't.  I do it because I know a little bit about a lot. I am no expert in anything.  But I love to research and learn and explore and take things apart.  And, in the process, what I learn, I love to share.  But I have realized that I think I have alienated some people that were/are a great support system.  I think my know-it-all'ness just manifested itself in a way and a place that it truly just bit me in the arse.

I suspect that some people that need to see this won't ever and that makes me sad, as well.

I think this no-approval process is really making me think outside of my own box of safety.  And that, to me, is a very welcome notion.  Like I said, I love to learn!!

04/02/10: Other things

Other things I forgot to mention in yesterday's blog but didn't think it was worthy of a second blog.

Thing 1) My surgeon will not call in to my ins co for me.  Apparently, after I left a voicemail for my advocate, she decided she knew enough of the story and proceeded without actually getting the story from me.  I do think that would have made a difference, but am not upset about it for reasons I'll explain in a minute.  She had her insurance peeps call my ins co to find out what they could find out about getting it expedited.  Those peeps were told the same thing - if the surgeon calls, he can get it expedited for me, but it has to be for an emergency.

They all decided there was no way to get it expedited and so would not ask my surgeon to make the call.

Here's where I think if my advocate had known even some of the story, let alone the whole story, she would have understood why I, and the lady I talked to, both thought my surgeon calling would help.  But, like I said, I'm not actually upset about it and am actually glad it worked out this way.

I think if my insurance company knew any of what I posted in yesterday's blog, they would use that as the reason for why I should be denied.  So not pursuing the expedition may actually be a good thing. 

The whole thing does kind of make me sad.  But life will go on and I will keep living it. 
Thing 2) I finally ate my cheese...I ate it last night...in the form of a 'hamburger'.  I don't know that you'd call it a hamburger - it wasn't on a bun.  It was an "iceburger", i.e. it was wrapped in iceberg lettuce.  My carbs for the day came from cheese.  And the sauce on the burger.  Has anyone had a Moo-yah?  Ok, better question, has anyone had an In-N-Out burger?
Anywho.  Moo-yah, for March Madness, did an offer on Tues that if you texted them with a code (for March Madness) they would give you a coupon for a free burger to be used on April 1.  There's also a contest for winning a burger a week for the next year.  On Tues, before all this went down yesterday, I had decided that if I hadn't heard from the ins co by Thurs, that I would allow myself to have that burger - but I'd order it sans bun and wrapped in lettuce instead.  And I'd have the cheese.  My treat for being so good on this diet.  On Tuesday, it was to be my one treat for the whole span of the diet.  It still was a super treat but, of course, I've changed what I'm doing anyway.

In efforts to keep the carbs lower than ideal, I chose against the bun.  I will admit this is the first iceburger I've ever had.  And OMG it was soooooo good!  The crunch of the lettuce was amazing and the lettuce didn't really add any flavor to the burger.  It also didn't take away from the burger at all. I actually think I would prefer an iceburger from here on even if you factor out the carb notion.  It was soooo good!

Thing 3)  I am still going to log my food diary that has to be turned in before surgery as carbless.  I won't say a peep if you don't say a peep.  :)  I am doing minimal carbs, I'm just not doing no carbs.  And, as I see it, my quak-surgeon doesn't need to know that nor does he need to know the reason why.

Thing 4)  A picture post will be coming Sunday.  I received some new clothes from Band_Groupie and want to model them.  One outfit is wearable right now and a pair of pants needs me to lose about 10 pounds before they are comfortable - fit in the leg but not the waist.

Thing 5)  I gained a pound today.  Our intention last night was get our hairs cut, go get our free Moo-yah while our car was washed, go home, walk the lake (in my case) or run (in my husband's case), go visit our neighbor for a little while, go home, pack, crawl in bed, etc.

What happened was we went and got our hairs cut.  And that took almost two friggin hours.  My hair was butchered again.  I had a post back in January about my previous haircut and the reflection in the mirror.

So first things first.  Reflection in the mirror.  Wasn't great.  Wasn't horrible, either.  Didn't seem as jarring as it was last time I was in.  Maybe I was anticipating the horror better this time, though.

But the haircut.  I took her a picture of what I want to grow my hair to.

And I got this...  (Sorry the pic is such crap, I'm taking it in a mirror and apparently, I have to look at the camera even though I shouldn't be...)

Now let me say - I started with a good amount of hair.  My hair was tapered in the back down to the neckline.  But I had "length", almost solid even length of hair to my ears.  That coincided with the hair style I want - the one of me long ago.  She chopped it.  And she textured it (which I HATE) and she thinned it (which I HATE) and she then tried to fix it because she screwed it up.

When all was said and done, she "styled" it but it was hideous.  It just looked like hair with way too much product in it, dirty, sticking out everywhere and not even remotely feminine.  But because of that "styling", I couldn't actually tell how bad it was.

Now, it's not a bad cut.  But I just lost 8 weeks of growth, I just lost 8 weeks towards getting back to the desired style.  All because of, what I think is the reality, she doesn't really know how to do short hair.  She even chopped the neckline and I had a good thing going for getting to the neckline in my old style.

She told me, as she was finishing up, ok, bring the picture with you next time.  I've done this and this and you'll be in a good place for your next visit for doing this and this and we'll get you there.

Last night, around 9:30, I was finally able to wash all the gunk out and that was when I saw just how much hair I'd lost and just how badly I've strayed away from my desired style.  I won't be going back to her.  All she accomplished was giving me the exact same cut I got 8 weeks ago.  8 weeks of growth just gone because she kept trying to "fix" it.

I was so mad.  Not only did it take forever to do, but it completely took me away from where I thought I was going.  I know I didn't have enough hair to get to my desired style and I didn't expect miracles last night.  I just expected she wouldn't chop what didn't need to be chopped.  I wish I could be like Drazil was with Martha Steward and if I were, I would have said 'what are you doing?' when she started "trimming" my crown!

So, we left there and headed to get our Moo-yahs and to get the car washed.  By the time we made it there, the car wash was closed.  They stay open after dark because they've got massive lights everywhere...and just say "they close at 7", no matter what time of year.  Yeah, hair cuts at 5 and we didn't make it to the carwash by 7.  NUTS.  So we got our Moo-yahs and headed home.  At this point, around 8, it was dark.  So no walking the lake last night.  Ok, I'll get on the treadmill.  Well, then, lets go visit our neighbor first.  Yeah.  Mistake.  We like her.  You know what happens with people you like?  You talk and talk and talk and lose track of time!

So we didn't get home until a little after 10.  At that point, I jumped in the tub to get the dang gunk out of my hair.  Otherwise, I wouldn't have slept.  My hair would have kept my head away from my pillow, it was that bad! 

With the gunk out, I blowed it dry to see where it was.  Yeah.  I was sad.

Then I decided to get on the scale.  All day, I had gained a whole whopping pound.  I knew that meant I would sleep and get on the scale this morning and be down.  I usually gain 3-4 pounds a day and it's one of the things I'm "enjoying" about this pre-op diet - I am consistently dropping.  Except for the two days I have gained and the two days I stayed the same - those days, my night time weigh-ins have been higher - more like the 3-4 pounds that are normal.  I think I'm tripping up on my words here and would have to spend more verbage on explaining something that really doesn't matter, so I hope you got that.

Yeah.  Today.  Up 1.

Oh well!  I loved my Moo-yah!  And I feel better still, as compared to yesterday, which was a zillion times better than Weds!!!

I won't do Moo-yah again pre-op.  And like I said, oh well.  I am owning my decision and it's consequences!

Now this weekend will be a trick.  Which leads to

Thing 6)  We are going to Austin after work today to visit my aunt and my grandmother who is visiting from California.  I can't/won't tell my family what I'm up to because they are already think I'm a horrid person with a tremendous problem.  I see only judgement from them and I don't see that they could even remotely comprehend this decision.  In fact, I believe they would see me as a disgrace.  They are all thin and have not ever really struggled with weight.  So with me feeling like I shouldn't tell them a thing about this, how to explain this pre-op diet?

In case I haven't explained my changes, here's what I'm doing.  Breakfast and lunch, still doing the protein shakes with no carbs.  It's dinner that I am relaxing with and I am relaxing in that I am allowing myself some carbs but still not many.  I know that I read a recommendation on Weds that PTSD peeps need a min of 125g of carbs a day.  But I also know that I was doing 50-60g of carbs a day on my "unweightloss" plan and I was feeling fine and able to handle reasonable stress alright.  So I am trying to stay under that and want to see at what point it is that I feel fine.  I want to establish my min, basically.  And like I said a few times yesterday, I am paying attention to what kind of carbs I'm getting.

So I will eat normal reasonable dinners tonight and tomorrow night.  I don't believe I'll raise eyebrows with that.  But I'm pretty sure I'll raise eyebrows with my no snacking and protein shake only situation.  But here's what remains to be seen.  Will I be lectured on how imbalanced this is?  (Hell yeah it is, believe me, I know!!!!)  Or will I be given a nod of approval for "taking charge"?  Do I say I'm doing Atkins HARD CORE?  And just leave it at that?

And then there's part of me that thinks...you know, I really know myself.  And if I get a nod of approval from them...I'm likely to spill the beans.  Maybe they'll surprise me.  I don't know when I ended up being so danged scared of my family.  I really love them and have always received affirmation and support from them - some times more than others.  But they are good people and want what's best for me.  I know that.  So why do I think they will hate this idea so much?  We'll see.  I do know, though, that my grandmother, especially, will tell me to my face how awesome this is, how she supports this, how she thinks it's fantastic I'm doing this - and then she'll go back to Cali and tell everyone how stupid and ridiculous I am for turning to "the easy way out".  That's my family - loving and supportive to your face...stabbing you in the back when you wouldn't know otherwise.

Ugh, such a long blog.  Cara - welcome.  You think you talk a lot?  :)  Yes, some of your blogs are long.  And most of my blogs are, too!  :)

I guess I made this long for making up for the fact I won't be around the next couple of days.  :)

Oh, and last thing.

Thing 7) I want to do a vlog soon.  I think some of my character is lost in my typing because I say things happily and I think things get read, on occasion, with sadness coming through.  Or I say things jokingly and seriousness comes through.  So that you can get a sense of my sarcasm and general love of life, I think a vlog is in order.  :)  Coming soon to a blog post near you!

04/01/10: Life 101

I ate carbs.  I did not eat cheese.  But I did eat carbs.  About 50g worth, to be exact.

Before I explain the why's in my decision, here is my decision.  I've decided to eat a normal dinner which can include carbs.  I've decided to be very wise about the carbs I choose - I will go for complex over simple, for example.  I also am going to be very cognizant of the amount of carbs I am getting.  I do not want to binge so I'm am totally staying aware and in control.  Whatever gets put on my plate as my allowed serving is all I get.

I ate carbs yesterday.  About 50g worth, to be exact.  I lost 1.5 pounds this morning.  I am now at 240.  Next pound gets me into the 230's.  YAY!!!!

So the why's.  I share this because I am sharing myself with you.  I do not share this for sympathy, empathy or judgement.  To everyone that laughed and cried with me yesterday

THANK YOU,

FROM THE

BOTTOM OF

MY HEART!!!

This blogworld is so awesome to me.  I love it for the accountability, for the notion that someone actually seems to care that my scale says 240 - and doesn't judge me because I'm still that fat, and I love it for the support.  I love being able to offer support, by way of comments, and each little (or not) comment that comes in makes my heart smile.  Getting sappy here...but I love you guys!  Even the non-commenters who take the time to read my drivvel and keep coming back for more.

So the why's.  I had posted about this back in January and some of y'all may remember and may have seen it back then.  I had 4-5 days of posts about how I got this way, basically.  And then, about two weeks later, I think, I decided it was too much and took the posts down.  In some ways I'm glad I did and in other ways, I wish I hadn't.  This that follows is not going to be nearly as intense (said with a smirk) as those 4-5 days of self-revelation.

But it will be a little. 

In case you haven't read this elsewhere, I got fat on purpose.  I made a conscious decision to gain weight as a protection measure because of what happened to me.  I was raped when I was 22.  And that event changed the course of my life, as have many other events I have lived through.

One of the things that is incredibly likely with rape, though, is the development of PTSD.  I had lived through a few major earthquakes and I was fine, through those.  Those can cause PTSD, too.  I had lived through a few things as a child/teenager that can cause PTSD but I had not developed it up to that point.  I think, in my case, the rape was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak.  My brain might have already been changing and the rape was the thing that sent it completely over the edge.

So, if you don't know, PTSD actually changes how your brain responds to the "normal" chemicals, aka hormones.  I have now learned that where the trauma was most processed, frontal lobe, cortex, amygdala, etc, can change what chemicals are affected.  But it's a lot like depression in that my neurons and synapses no longer fire the way a "normal" brain does.  However, in PTSD, it's anxiety that kicks in, not depression.  Of course, depression can, too, as anxiety can definitely cause one to "get sad".  It makes you want to shut down - hmmm...don't we call that depression?

So I have this brain that is no longer normal.  Not really sure it ever really was.  :)

I don't know that it's a bad thing that my brain is not normal.  I know it.  And that helps.  And more often than not, it is like any other brain.  Until stress gets to me.  Real or perceived, it's stress that causes anxiety, for me.  It can be physical stress, it can be mental stress, it can be emotional stress. 

And to make it interesting, not all stress gets to me the same way.  When my mom was dieing I was one of her two primary caregivers.  My step-dad and I had to have someone up around the clock to see to her needs.  We knew we were caring for a dieing woman.  She was in and out of consciousness the last 6 weeks of her life and it was hard to watch her withering away.  A very stressful situation.  I didn't end up anxious.  Instead, I became a rock for my entire family to lean on, to cry to, to sound off of.  I'm either super strong or  a super mess and part of my problem with PTSD is that I can't identify which I'm going to be until I'm that option.

So this pre-op diet with no approval situation.  Turns out, I'm a super mess.

I am aware of what PTSD does to me and I have been through years of therapy to learn to identify triggers.  I never thought a pre-op diet while waiting for insurance approval was going to be a trigger.

And yet it is.

Now, one thing I can say about me and my awareness and my knowledge is that once I identify what's going on, I somehow, can almost instantaneously correct myself.

So yesterday I posted a blog about crying.  And as I sat there trying and trying to regain my composure, I started to freak out because I couldn't.  Now I'm talking PTSD style freak out with flashbacks and heart palpitations and sweaty palms and just generally feeling miserable.  And then it hit me...once that started.  Hello.  I'm not normal!

Oh yeah!  That's right.  Let me call my sweetheart.  And he says "after I talked to you and you wouldn't/couldn't calm down, I started to think that.  I was going to talk to you about it tonight, just didn't want to over the phone."

About half an hour later, my heart was calming down, my palms were normal, the flashbacks were not pervading my every move...I was getting back to "normal".

By the time it got to time to leave work time, I was "normal".  And in the span of the afternoon I started looking into what serotonin does for PTSD peeps.

Yeah.  I can't not have serotonin.  I already don't use it efficiently and well.  Truth is, I need more.  Which might explain why the notion of getting fat to protect myself evolved so easily.  Eating carbs felt better.  They are doing research now with treating PTSD with SSRI's to increase serotonin.

So I've learned a lot about myself in this process.  I actually need carbs!  I want to and will be wise about my carb intake.  I want to and will be wise about the amount, the types, the frequency...I'm going to think about it.  But I think I've learned that PTSD can be affected by food (or lack of it) as much as anything else.  It makes me wish I had been keeping a food diary long ago - when the PTSD is worse, what was I eating?

But in my research yesterday afternoon I realized, I needed to start getting carbs in again.  I actually found a source online that says that PTSD peeps actually need a minimum of 125g of carbs a day.  I am going to find out what I need to maintain "normal".  Because one of the things I know is that over the decade plus that I've dealt with this, my "normal" has been redefined.

What a journey this has been!

03/31/10: All I can do...

...is cry.

Literally.  I'm sitting here in my office and I think "man, what a beautiful day"...and the tears start falling.

Then I think "today's the day they make a decision"...and more tears fall.

Then I think "I hope BG starts to feel better soon!"....and more tears fall.

Then I think "it's lunchtime"...and then the nose starts to drip.

Then I think "I wonder why Drazil is being so quiet this week"...and then I'm bawling.

So I decided to take a break from my crying and went into a "quiet room" to call Cigna.

I was told to not expect an answer until April 16th or later.  Earliest would be April 2nd, but my case has no priority.

And that was it.  Now I'm an unincorporated water works!

I called my sweet hubby.  He said hang in there.

Easier said than done.

I miss carbs.  I miss serotonin.

When I was on the phone with Cigna, I just started bawling when she told me her standard response "your case is still in review".  But I was bawling discreetly until it became time for me to say something next.  And when I did, she instantly softened her voice and said she's so sorry but this is how they have to treat these cases.

I explained that I am already on the pre-op diet which consists of absolutely no carbs whatsoever and given that I'm a woman, that's a bad thing as no serotonin gets released.  I'd be dealing with this self-imposed stress a lot better if I could have some serotonin, I think.  She softened her voice even more and said she completely understands and that she knew what I was talking about.

She told me, get your surgeon to call in and explain that the stress is too much and we can make something happen sooner.

So I called my advocate.  I got her voicemail.  Hopefully she'll call back.  And when she does, I'll explain what I know.

I'm still crying.

And I've decided, I'm going to eat some cheese tonight.  I need some serotonin.  I'm fiending for serotonin.  Isn't that funny?  It's like I'm addicted to crack...but in the form of serotonin.

Sorry, I don't want an intervention for this addiction!

I wish I could go to our cafeteria and just buy a block of cheese.  How quickly after I eat cheese will I feel better?

hehehe....

Cheese.  That's funny.  I don't care who you are....

03/31/10: I don't know what I'd do without this blog

And it's not even the blog, really.  It's all y'all that read it and it's all y'all that take the time to comment.  You guys are a God send!!!

I was thinking, as I went for my morning cup of joe a few minutes ago, that if I didn't have this blog and my peeps to keep me sane and to root me on, I really think I would have given up long ago.  I've made it this far because of all y'all that are reading this right this very second.

My wonderful husband is sooo very in my corner and that is beyond helpful.

I thought I'd have some friends that were so very in my corner, too, and turns out they are less than interested and/or incredibly judgemental about the whole thing.  Oopsie...guess I shouldn't have told them.

But this blog.  This blog is my little corner that I can turn to to know that I'm not alone, that I'm not the first (and I won't be the last) to feel what I'm feeling and to think what I'm thinking.  I can get support here and I can get a refreshing slap in the face here and for all of that I am so incredibly thankful.

It's interesting how I got turned on to the blogs.  It was Catherine55, actually.  I had started a thread on LBT about being a newby and she told me to go check out the blogs.  How wise that was!  Those threads on LBT are trainwrecks, by and large, and I could have easily been derailed if I'd stayed there.  So I went to the blogs.  And I clicked on the first one I could find - and it was Band_Groupie's blog.  I proceeded to read her blog from start to finish and learned soooo much and laughed even harder.  When BG came over here, and I followed and started to explore, it was a no-brainer for me to make the move, too.  Such support and camaraderie here.  It is what I think LBT wants to be.  Positivity is generally prolific here!

I have no idea what is going to happen with me and this band.  I know that if surgery can't happen by April 9th, it's not going to happen in April or May.  And that is depressing to me.  And not having carbs to release serotonin, depressing is depressing right now.  Everything is depressing right now. 

I know, now, that if I don't get an answer this week, I won't be able to get on the schedule next week.  So, Friday is my cutoff for getting an answer from Cigna and being able to get on next week's schedule.  If I don't have an answer on Friday, I am going back to normal, healthy, balanced eating.

I am so on the verge of tears.  To have come all this way and be staring so closely at a possible derailment is just depressing.  And like I said, depressing is depressing.

I miss serotonin.

I hope y'all have a good day.

And this one is for the insurance Gods.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help me get an answer this week.  PLEASE!!!!

And the last thought I'll leave you with...after being good for so long with this "diet", I have stopped losing weight.  I was exactly the same today as I was yesterday morning.

03/30/10: Still

Still waiting on the insurance company.  I hope they can do something this week.  I was hoping it would be yesterday, to be honest.  I had this gut feeling that something was going to happen yesterday.  Maybe it did.  I don't know.  I called at noon - and there's a whole lotta work day left after noon.  But the answer I got at noon was just like all the rest.  Still in review.

I really wish Cigna thought of me as a person and not just a case with a folder attached.  I wish I could talk to someone and relay the human aspect of this; why I want and even need this to happen sooner rather than later.  I get the sense from other blogs that Aetna and BCBS and a whole plethora (for you, Drazil) of other insurance co's get that there are people behind these cases.  But I'm just a case with Cigna.  They keep you away from the people that make the decision.  Maybe I'm wrong, maybe what I read was misinterpreted by me...but it just seems like others have better luck getting through to the people making the decisions.  And I'm specifically not allowed to talk to those people.

Anywho...

After work last night my sweet hubby and I decided to go out to dinner.  He ordered everything I can only dream about having.  A regular salad with ranch dressing and croutons and cheese.  (Can't have the ranch, the croutons or the cheese or the carrots that were shredded and mixed in with the lettuce.)  A chicken fried steak with a baked potato.  So I did him one better.  I ordered a spinach salad with egg and a balsamic vinagreitte.  My salad should have come with blue cheese crumbles and I had to say 'leave that off'.  And grilled salmon with grilled veggies.

I will say that I normally don't go for the chicken fried steak.  I'll get a bite or two from my hubby but I don't usually want a whole one to myself (for multiple meals since they are always ginormous).  Baked potatoes even...more often than not, don't want 'em.  I've gotten to the point that unless I've baked it myself and can use my kind of butter, they just don't taste good to me.  With my baking method, I create a crunchy, slightly salty skin and I eat the potato only so that I can get to the skins.  Sometimes I don't even eat all the potato - just scoop it out and eat the skins.

I think the waiter thought we were nuts.  When he took our drink order he asked if we'd like some bread while we decided on our meal.  I about jumped out of my seat saying "no".  A little later, when we were ordering, I hid behind my menu as my sweet hubby ordered his carb intense dinner.  At this restaurant we went to I love love love their grilled salmon.  I even love their grilled veggies.  That actually was why I suggested it last night.  To make it even worse for the waiter...when he delivered our food I asked "now how much does this fillet weigh?"  He was like "ummm...do I care?"  But he tried to appease me with an answer - 'it's 8oz', he said.

HMPH.  I am looking at that fillet on my plate thinking it can't possibly be 8oz.  It's smaller than most servings I have been eating and I've been weighing everything since I started this.  My hubby and I were surprised on Sunday to learn that thin pork loins worked out to two loins a person just to get 4oz.  My hubby (being a man) is allowed 6.  That gave him 3.5 loins, actually.  This salmon was thinner than those loins were and much smaller in width, too.  Now, I know, I know, different meats weigh in differently.  Afterall, salmon is fatty and a more condensed meat.  I wish I'd had the scale there with me to see just what it weighed.  We decided next time we want to eat from this restaurant, we'll actually call in a to-go order, take it home, and weigh it.  One other thought we had, as I decided to eat it all, was that early last week we got ourselves a tuna steak to split.  And what worked out to 4oz for me and 6oz for hubby was still larger than this salmon fillet on my plate.  And I would think salmon and tuna are comparable in size-weight ratios.

It's interesting getting a real sense of what is right and normal for serving sizes.  I don't plan to be a weigher forever.  I will do so until I can look at something and say "this is normal". 

Ok...just thought of it this way.  I'm sure you've been to a nutrionist somewhere along your journey who said "a normal serving of protein is the size of the back of your hand".  Make a fist and look at the back of your hand.  That's "normal".  The salmon was not that big.

And who cares anyway.  I went home and walked and walked and walked my lake (a few times) and had a generally enjoyable evening. I know I walked a brisk pace last night because my doggie wasn't out ahead of me like he is when I'm just doddling along.  He was right beside me the whole time.

And I was down a pound today.  So today I am where I wanted to be Sunday.  Grr...but at least I'm there.

I am allowed one snack a day of beef jerky if I need something to tide me over.  I did not eat my jerky yesterday.  I was not hungry last night.  My belly was not growling.  By golly, I think I'm getting used to this.

Don't read "getting used to this" as 'liking this'.  I certainly don't.  But I'm fine.

Was 50-60g of carbs enough in a day (my average prior to this diet) that I needed to detox even from that?

My headache is gone.  My tummy is not mad like it was.  I mean, other than a mental fog, I feel quite a bit better.  Especially when compared to Fri or Sat.  I want out of this mental fog, that I know...

Ok, this incessant rambling through my fingertips should end here.  I hope y'all have a fantastic beautiful gorgeous spring day.  All y'all back east that are just getting pounded with rain, please hang in there.  The sun will come out again.

03/29/10: I just figured it out...

I just figured it out courtesy of reading Gen's blog from last night.  If you read my last "blog" which told Gen her comments weren't working, then you might have read what I'll copy and paste below already. 

Before I copy and paste that content (which I want to do because when Gen's comments get fixed, I'll delete that "blog") please let me say this.  Finally identifying this will probably help me shut-the-heck-up.  So to those of you that have hung in there with me and offered support and hugs and you can do this's, man, oh man, thank you so much.  It actually makes me teary-eyed to know I'm not alone.  Most all have been through this, although I think the no-dairy aspect of my diet sets it apart from even some of the more strict pre-op diets.  Has anyone else had to do that?  Anyway, before I go on too much more, here's what I posted as a comment for Gen.

I'm railing against my pre-op diet because it is severely restricted. I started trying to think about what carb I would want to eat and it's really not that I want a carb in the standard sense. I don't gravitate towards them, is what I have found. I do love some good mashed taters but I also find it very easy to just not make them. I have gotten to the point where Doritos and most other chips I don't even like anymore - Cheetos are my one "eeks, yep, I gotta" when they are around. And with Cheetos - it's easy for me to just not buy them. I get them, periodically, when we visit the in-laws. But where I am struggling with my "diet" is that I can't even have dairy. Yes, dairy is a carb. It's a great source of protein. But lactose is a carb. And that's what I want right now. Dairy. In the form of cottage cheese, Greek yogurt, regular yogurt, cheese on my meals. That is what I want. Just dairy. Rice - whatever. Pasta - whatever. Potatoes - whatever. Bread - whatever. But dairy. GIVE ME DAIRY!

We were told to even stay away from soy cheese or milk, almond milk, rice milk, all of it. It all has carbs - and while soy doesn't have very much, it will stop you from forgetting about dairy. So don't eat any of it.

I am doing this ridiculousness for the time it takes to get to surgery. But I will not give up DAIRY! Not permanently.

Gen's blog helped. As I was sitting there reading it, I kept thinking - if I could eat whatever I wanted right now, what would I eat. And I'm going along with Gen as she described her Saturday. I hate most breakfast pastries. Generally loaded with sugar and I don't like sugar, especially not first thing in the morning. I hate pizza. Yes, I'm weird - my parents thought I was the weirdest kid. Turned out, I hate pizza sauce. I can now order pizza without the sauce - but I'm so used to not liking it, I just never crave it. Doritos - I can't stand 'em nowadays. Used to love 'em. But something happened around about 5 years ago and I've not liked them since. Ice cream - can't stand the stuff. Too cold on my teeth. So as I'm sitting here, reading Gen's blog, and listing my own opinions about each thing to myself, I thought, well then what is it that I want?

CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Give me CHEESE, dangit!!!!

Or yogurt.  Specifically Greek yogurt.  Please!!!

Or cottage cheese.  When I hit 8pm and I'm hungry and I just want a little something to tide me over til bedtime, 2 spoons of cottage cheese would do the trick.

So there's my comment, updated a smidge for the blog's purpose.

I also want to say that I am fortunate, I think.  I know I eat well and that after surgery, I can go back to my own balanced healthy eating.  I know I'm not eating a balanced healthy diet right now because I am exhausted.  I hurt.  I could barely stay awake yesterday.  I got up at noon - which isn't like me - and was asleep last night by 8:30 - which also isn't like me.  I just gotta get through this and I will.  But I'm hurtin.  I mean.  Really hurtin.  I feel like I just spent the entire weekend on my bad foot trying to host a party.  And all I did was walk the lake a few times.  Most of the weekend was watching basketball.  I shouldn't hurt.  In fact, I should feel pretty good.  So that my body hurts tells me it's not getting what it needs.  No surprise there.

But I'm fortunate.  Why?  Because I know that I won't have to follow this stupid pre-op diet after surgery.  My surgeon tells all to continue to eat this way forever.  Um...yeah...HELL NO!  But because I follow so many wonderful blogs of people that have gone before me and are successful with normal balanced diets, I know I just have to get through this.  Most of the people that were there almost two weeks ago for their pre-op with me...dang but I wish I could tell them - ignore his opinion.  I would love to see records in two or three years.  Have they lost their weight?  Did they gain it back?  I'm going to predict that anyone that follows his quack-diet for the duration will have problems keeping it off.  Why?  Because it's a diet.  Because it's not normal, healthy or balanced.  Because when they go to their niece's birthday party and eat a piece of cake, it's going to open the floodgates for all that they miss.  And as Gen posted in her blog, the band isn't a fix.  It doesn't tell you not to eat.  It limits what you can eat.  It doesn't tell you what not to eat.  It limits the amount you need.  I think this surgeon is setting people up to fail.

To the person that can do this diet for the rest of their life - well, good for them.  But it's a life of deprivation not being able to enjoy anything.  And maybe some people are so desperate that they will listen to this forever and ever and be fine.  But I can't listen to this forever.  I can only listen to this for however long it takes me to get the band.  After that, I'm going back to what my nutritionist says, what my RNP says, what my mom taught me, what I like.  And that's an all-natural, healthy, balanced, REAL diet.

Balance is the key.  Don't eat all carbs.  Don't eat all protein.  Don't eat all anything. 

Ok.  With this...I'm done.  I won't talk about my "diet" again.  I'm sorry for draggin y'all through the mud with me.  But thank you sooooo much for letting me rant and rail and get this out there over the past week.  And hopefully, I really am hoping, this helps someone in the future.

Oh, as for that pound that came back - it's gone again this morning.  So as of today, I'm back to where I was on Saturday.  8 pounds in a week....

03/28/10: so sad

I didn't cheat.  I didn't break.  I thought I was doing pretty well, actually, given that it was a Saturday and I was not doing my normal stuff which means I was not "eating" at normal times.  I got sleep and I actually didn't drink my lunch until well after 4 which set me up for actually eating dinner at the time I wanted to, not had to.

And I gained a pound.

I keep telling myself it doesn't matter.  I am still down from my start and the surgeon will never know the difference.  But I had these hopes of losing weight steadily on this ridiculous diet and earning my 4 cc fill.  If you don't remember, in the pre-op he said that he does anywhere from no fill up to 4cc's.  If he thinks you were totally serious with the pre-op diet and your liver was super wonderful looking, then he'd give you 4.  If he thought you weren't taking it serious at all and you suck, he gives you none.  Those being the extremes, it's likely you'll fall somewhere in the middle of the bell curve and you'll get anywhere from 0-4cc's depending on what he thinks is wise.

I wanted 4cc's!  I think 4 is a great jump start towards getting to the sweet spot.  I DO NOT want 0.  So I am focusing on that.  That and pounds lost.

I'm railing against this diet but it's not because I can't do it.  It's because I am not really choosing this for myself - someone else, someone trying to be in control of me, is choosing this for me.  I read on a blog this week about why diets don't work.  Actually I think I read this in multiple places this week.  But it's true.  If you are not in control of what goes in your mouth, you begin to obsess.  And if you obsesss, addictions form.  You might survive just fine while on the "diet" but as soon as you are cleared to take control of yourself back, you will binge and get in all those obsessions you were missing.

I don't know that I would do that, to be honest.  Before this pre-op diet, tracking my food intake on http://www.fitday.com/, I learned that I average 50-60g of carbs a day.  Not a lot.  Just enough.  I am not a carb addict.  But I am not controlling this right now which puts carbs front and center on my mind.  When I do eat carbs, they are healthy - complex carbs.  I don't tend to gravitate towards the simple carbs.  Which is not to say I don't eat them.  But I don't eat them daily or even weekly.

Anywho.  So I'm railing against this diet.  And I know that.  And I am ok with it, to be honest.  So long as I move on and move on soon, I will actually forget this.  In case you are not in my brain, let me just say this.  I am not a miserable angry person right now.  I am putting this all in the blog because maybe it can help someone else who will go through this in the future or may even be going through it right now.  I do no favors by keeping what I've learned to myself.

So, back to today.  I did not cheat.  I did not break my diet.  And I gained weight anyway.  So how do you not cheat with that?  How do you stay motivated when even though you are doing what you are told, it's still not working?

Interestingly enough, I don't want to cheat.  If there were any time I would want to cheat, it's probably a breakfast on a Sunday.  But I didn't.  I didn't mention it, I didn't even think it, really.  I just made my smoothie and called it done. 

I hope I can call the ins co tomorrow and get an answer.  I hope I get an answer soon.  Please, please, please...

I had a dream this morning about going to the hospital and checking in for surgery.  But my dentist got mad and made the nurse tell me I had to leave and get clearance from, you ready for this? - A cardiopulmoradiologist.  Yeah, I have no idea what that is, either.  In my dream it was a surgeon that did surgery under x-ray.  Yeah.  Nuts.  My dreams are bonkers when I remember them.  Maybe that's why I tend to not remember them - I don't really want to know how nuts I am.  Anywho, so I went to that thing's office to get clearance and they checked me in and saw me back and made me wait until their Friday afternoon party was over.  Problem was, when the party was over, everyone spilled into the parking lot, where it was raining, to start walking home.  And I was told to walk with the Dr. and she would do my review.  So as we walked, we talked about her dog.  And then she sent my dentist my clearance and he decided I was good to go.  So I went back to the hospital again and the nurse was nowhere to be found.  The hospital was filled with slides and rappelling equipment to get around the floors and my husband and I had to chase the nurse down.  By the time we did, the surgeon had flown to Panama and said I'd have to wait.  I found a new surgeon who would do the surgery on Sunday.  (The events all happened on a Friday.)

It was a weird dream.  But is it an omen that surgey is coming?  That's what I take away from it all.

Dangit, I think I'm going to go walk my lake 8 times today and then take a break and walk another 8.  This pound will go away - plus more - today!

And my sweet hubby thought he was going to take a nap.  HA!