04/29/10: Not What I Expected

Are you experiencing deja vu yet?

I never expected my little ol' blog about what I never expected to elicit such a response.  Good heavens alive!  I was sooo not expecting that.

Love it!

Meanwhile...here it is, 2:12 pm as I type, eating my first food for the day.  Just not hungry and the smoothie was..umm...not..."proper" today (love you, Husband!).  So I opted against it since I'm never hungry before 11am anyway and I just didn't feel like drinking something...not..."proper"...just for the sake of drinking something.  And figured without my smoothie I'd be hungry around 11, as usual...but here it is...2:15, now, and I was finally hungry...until I took about three bites...of chicken salad...then I was full.

Insane.  I have it sitting in front of me...hoping I'll get more in. 

Not complaining.  Not at all.  Not griping, and not bragging either.  Just surprised.  Very pleasantly.
So...in other news...hmmm.  It's gorgeous outside!  I have no work to do at work.  I have a class next week so I won't get any work until I get back.  So it's hard to be at work with nothing to do when it's so very gorgeous outside!

What else.  All bruising in ma bell-eh is gone!  I can't see any remnants of swelling anymore either. 

What else.  I'm tired of chicken salad.  At least the stuff we have.  It was soo good for awhile and now I want to make my own.  I can't wait for this stuff to be gone.

Should I buy a Bodybugg or a Gowear Fit?  Or should I buy a heart rate monitor?  They make one for swimming now.  So I could get that one and then a regular one, too, for everytime else - or maybe even a Gowear - I think I like that one better than the Bodybugg.  I think they would just be cool gadgets to have and might help me break plateaus when they do happen.  But I don't know that they are necessary.  What do you guys think?  I don't think they are necessary, I think, ultimately, using an online thing like Fitday (what I use) can tell me what's what...but I'm on the fence.  I mean...I want the gadget...I think...so what do you all think about the things...and what do you use, if you do?...and do you recommend anything or nothing or what you have?  If you recommend what you have, then what do you have?

What else.

I feel like me again.  No more insurance crap.  No more will I get banded/won't I get banded.  No more when-if-when.  No more waiting.  It's on with it. 

See...I'm kind of a nut.  Just ask my husband.  He'll tell you.  He says I made him a nut.  I think he just made me nuttier.  He's a nut, too.  He knows it, it's ok.  So together, we're nuts.  Well. My nutty self wasn't coming through in my blog cause I was so will I/won't I?  When?  But now...well...I DID!  And it was on 4/12/10 at 7:30am (at least I was taken into the OR around 7:20 and since I fell asleep, I don't really know when, so I'm presuming somewhere around 7:30 was when it started) .  But I tell you what.  I feel like me again.  The me that is, not that me that is chasing something.  So nutty!  But you know what I'm talking about...that whole stress thing...it's gone...I'm no longer stressed about the band...and it's nice.

Can I please eat some food!??!

Now what do I do?  Not enough protein...worrisome...I can drink water...I can eat...it does go down...not running into problems there...just don't want it...but that means...not enough protein...or calories...but protein is the bother.  I got plenty of stored calories.  I need the protein...don't want to lose muscle...want to gain muscle...and so I need protein.  It's like a drug.  I need it.  The rest of it...I got.  Calories galore.  Still plenty to pick and choose from.

Maybe I'll go shopping tonight.  I got a few gift cards, one of which might be expiring soon....and Husband is going to a baseball game with his buddy-ol'-pal...so I gots an evening to myself.  What do you do with such things?  I don't remember.  I want to walk.  Miles.  2, maybe 3.  I walked 1 last night.  It was nice, although chilly.  How is it chilly...in HOUSTON....in APRIL?  We should be getting humid already...and we aren't.  We are still in the 50's and even 40's at night.  Insane.  Like my eating...or my lack thereof...

This is probably enough nothing for the day.  Hope you're having a good Thursday!!!

Added at 3:35pm: Awww...someone just walked by my little cubby-hole and said "you are looking really good!"  I beamed AND blushed and I couldn't make the beaming smile go away.  And then she knew she did good.  AWWW!

03/31/10: All I can do...

...is cry.

Literally.  I'm sitting here in my office and I think "man, what a beautiful day"...and the tears start falling.

Then I think "today's the day they make a decision"...and more tears fall.

Then I think "I hope BG starts to feel better soon!"....and more tears fall.

Then I think "it's lunchtime"...and then the nose starts to drip.

Then I think "I wonder why Drazil is being so quiet this week"...and then I'm bawling.

So I decided to take a break from my crying and went into a "quiet room" to call Cigna.

I was told to not expect an answer until April 16th or later.  Earliest would be April 2nd, but my case has no priority.

And that was it.  Now I'm an unincorporated water works!

I called my sweet hubby.  He said hang in there.

Easier said than done.

I miss carbs.  I miss serotonin.

When I was on the phone with Cigna, I just started bawling when she told me her standard response "your case is still in review".  But I was bawling discreetly until it became time for me to say something next.  And when I did, she instantly softened her voice and said she's so sorry but this is how they have to treat these cases.

I explained that I am already on the pre-op diet which consists of absolutely no carbs whatsoever and given that I'm a woman, that's a bad thing as no serotonin gets released.  I'd be dealing with this self-imposed stress a lot better if I could have some serotonin, I think.  She softened her voice even more and said she completely understands and that she knew what I was talking about.

She told me, get your surgeon to call in and explain that the stress is too much and we can make something happen sooner.

So I called my advocate.  I got her voicemail.  Hopefully she'll call back.  And when she does, I'll explain what I know.

I'm still crying.

And I've decided, I'm going to eat some cheese tonight.  I need some serotonin.  I'm fiending for serotonin.  Isn't that funny?  It's like I'm addicted to crack...but in the form of serotonin.

Sorry, I don't want an intervention for this addiction!

I wish I could go to our cafeteria and just buy a block of cheese.  How quickly after I eat cheese will I feel better?

hehehe....

Cheese.  That's funny.  I don't care who you are....

03/11/10: I don't know what to do or think

I hate this.  I hate not being in control.  I hate not even being able to steer anything in any sort of direction.

As of this morning, I had yet to hear back from my Dr.'s office about getting my letter of medical necessity from my PCP fixed.  So I called them back today.  Yeah.  My Dr. wants me to come in and say exactly what I said on the phone - the letter needs to include my BMI and the statement that she "deems this medically necessary".  I have an issue with going in to say that.  I said that back in Oct.  Stupid me, when I got the letter she did write, I thought, well, she's done this before, she knows what she's doing.  So I accepted it - and so did the people at my bariatric center, until last Friday.

I have an issue with going in because my insurance changed.  I pay for everything.   I don't have copays anymore - I PAY FOR IT ALL - at least until my insanely high deductible and absurdly high OOP-Max are met.  I don't want to pay money out to say something I've already said!

The girl I talked to a short while ago understands that and said she'd talk to my Dr.  She'll call me back this afternoon with my PCP's ruling - at least that's what she said.  If I have to go pay it, I have to go pay it.  But I won't be happy about having to miss time from work and paying full price to do it!

I got off the phone with them and I called my insurance company back.  At this point, I just want to make sure they have the paperwork.  And I want to make sure it's in the right place.

The first girl I talk to is a customer service rep.  Nice, friendly, helpful, sympathetic, cared about me as a person.  She doesn't see anything in the system yet but says 'you really need to be talking to someone in authorizations, can I transfer you?'

Yesterday's person told me I'm not allowed to talk to people in authorizations.  I knew from my advocate to be asking for that department.  So this person today, the one I like, transfers me.

In authorizations, another girl answers the phone.  She looks it up.  She says 'your policy doesn't need an authorization for this procedure, so it would go to determinations'.

My advocate also told me to ask for determinations.  So not entirely surprised there, either.

This girl in authorizations says 'you can't talk to people in determinations and we can't see their system'.

She then says - determinations has 30 days to make their decision at which point that is when my file goes to authorizations to send out the letter.  Authorizations would then have 30 days to send the letter.

So I tell her my pickle.  The career, the family, the progress, the time off, the fantastic window of opportunity that is shrinking every day.

And she says "we really don't care.  This is at our discretion and we will do what we feel is best warranted for our company needs.  And no, you won't find someone in this office that will care".

All told I was on the phone with the insurance company for about 8 minutes.  And in this conversation with these two women I went from feeling hope and upbeat back to I don't know what.

The hardest part for me here is what am I struggling with?  Am I struggling with not being in control?  Am I struggling with my hopes were so high for a quick answer that now that it looks like it can't and won't possibly happen, I'm just mad?  What's my issue?  Why can't I just let it be and take it one day at a time?  The insurance company has been playing jokes all along - that's what the "unweightloss" program is.  So why am I surprised by this?  Why is it upsetting me so much?

I'm insanely jealous of all the people that have insurance companies that get answers out within 3-4 days.  Even a week or two weeks.  LOL, I'm just insanely jealous of anything that has ever gotten a decision and is already banded.  I want so desperately to be on the other side!  I want this part of the process to be behind me!

My one saving grace is that at least I can lose weight for real right now.  I don't have to keep on with watching to make sure my BMI is still above 40.  I don't have to gain weight back when I spontaneously lose it.  In fact, I can try to lose it.  That, in and of itself, is such a wonderful change of pace!

I keep saying I just need to take a deep breath and focus on that.  This is all about weightloss - I can do this now.  Getting a band or not getting a band won't change that.  That will change my success rate - my keep it off rate, but it won't change whether or not I can finally, actually, really, truly try.  At the end of the day - right now, today, trying matters most to me.

And last thought - dangit, I forgot my sweater this morning.  I am so cold!  I usually keep it here but took it with me as I was leaving last night because it was the perfect weight for when we would be leaving the rodeo.  And wouldn't you know it - so tired this morning, I forgot it was sitting there waiting to be grabbed.  I'm SO COLD!

01/25/10: Who knew...

I don't actually know what we are supposed to know.  So I can't really say "who knew" cause I don't really have anything that seems so amazingly logical but yet I just realized it.  Nope...don't have it...and...can't say that.  But I'm saying it, anyway.

I'm supposed to be losing weight on this supervised weightloss program that I'm supposed to "fail".

And it appears I've gained a pound.  Woke up Saturday and it was there - although...last week.  Man....

Through the week I gained two pounds.  So Saturday I was actually down one from that which meant I was still UP one.  But since I was down one on Saturday and I could wear certain clothes to my appt in a week and a half to show weightloss that was unaccounted for at my last appt, I thought if I had to make it work, then at least I could be ok.  And then Sunday made it all better.  I was down a pound and a half.  So this is good.  Right?  Until I got up today.  And I'm back up. 

I can still wear certain clothes.  But now I'm just flat out scared.

What happens if I gain weight on this "unweightloss" program, as I like to call it.  What happens if I can do this tricky stuff for this weigh in but on my very last appt I'm up and I'm just up?  Will all six months be for nothing?  Or do they really mean what they say - I'm supposed to fail?

I feel stuck.  I feel like man oh man but I wish I had the band - cause I could go get a fill.

I've plateaued.  I know that.  And I know that one of the remarkable things about the band is that (from where I sit anyway) when you plateau - you get a fill.  When you are starving all the time - you get a fill.  I'm starving all the time.  I've plateaued.  I think I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be to say "yep, the band is right for me" - but....BUT....I already thought that!

And what happens if this means I've failed incorrectly and I have to start over?  Argh, the stress is killing me!

Ok...not really.  I'm not being killed.  Last week I was stressed because of so many different factors.  This week I generally feel better and when I feel better I tolerate stress better.

But I really am worried.  I just want this to be over.  I want this to be over, I want the scale to respond appropriately, and I want to have a pile of paperwork to submit to the insurance company that the insurance company won't say "no" to.

I'm literally thinking of fasting for the rest of this week.  But before I go completely bonkers...I'm trying a full on Atkins diet this week.  And if that doesn't work - then next week, I'll try fasting...

That's healthy, right?

Aside from all this shtuff that is just weighing on my mind - I had a great weekend!  How about you?

Friday night my sweet hubby and I finally made it to see "The Blind Side".  Has anyone seen that?  We are both football junkies and have wanted to see it since it came out.  But Christmas was busy and things kept popping up.  We are glad we saw it on the big screen.  It's a great movie.  And that's all I'll say!

Saturday was nice and lazy.  We should have been working on a project we have self-imposed a deadline for but we decided to just not.  We haven't had a lazy day like that in quite awhile.  Saturday night we went over to a neighbors house for a bbq and had a nice evening with friends.  Sunday was a different sort of day with a lot of prepping for friends coming over to watch the AFC and NFC championship games.  I know Sunday didn't help my weightloss cause as I cooked a pork roast that was then shredded and cole slaw...

Sigh...

But the friends showed up and we watched football.  I was pleased with the Saints/Vikings game - but I would have been ok with either team winning.  In some ways, though, I'm happier the Saints won.  It's just remarkable the turnaround they've had and the Vikings sure didn't play like a Super Bowl candidate last night.  The Jets/Colts...well...I think I'd rather have had the Jets but I don't hate the Colts so it is what it is.

And last but not least, I'm blogging here now but there will be changes to this here blog over the next week.  I want to get my page more "me" and I will be bringing over the blogs from LBT slowly but surely.  I'm not going to backtrack with my thoughts to say what I've said elsewhere - but I see I have followers who I don't think knew me on LBT...so maybe once those blogs get over here I will make more sense.

I thought that was my last but not least, but before I could click "PUBLISH POST", my sweet wonderful hubby called!  He was told in November that they were putting his name in for a promotion.  His department is being reorganized.  We thought this meant his boss was being promoted to "Director" and that my sweet hubby would move into that manager's old position.  But the bad side of this was he "might not get a pay raise for this upward promotion".  He got the promotion, today.  He is moving into his bosses position and the boss is moving up, as well.  And furthermore, he DID get a payraise!  What a fantabulous Monday!

Now if I could just lose a measely little pound or two...