I had my fifth "unweightloss" appt today. Yay. Only one more left. And it's precisely four weeks from today - which means this is my shortest month, yet! YAY!
Heading into the last month just
feels different. We'll see how it actually shapes up - but it feels so much better knowing that I have four weeks left, only one more month of this torture - and I have answers, too.
So here's the skinny. My BMI cannot fall below 40. So what, you are asking, did I lose last month? According to their scale, one measely pound. Enough to show I'm still trying - but not so much to make me lose too much. I cannot lose a pound this month...my BMI is at 40.5. It's
actually alright for me to even gain a pound. I specifically asked that question.
I seem to remember reading a favorite blog of mine and this favorite inspirational banded person let herself go for that last month - meaning she ate well, exercised and actually generally
let herself lose weight. I'm kind of going to do that, too. I'm not going to change what I eat - but it's apparent that I've lost all I will lose just by watching what I eat. I maintained pretty well in this past month and that's ok. Up one on Monday and down two on Tuesday...up one on Wednesday and down half on Thursday...that kind of thing. At the end of the day, the one pound lost came from wearing lighter clothes than I did a month ago. So this month...still going to eat the same. I think the eating is good now...but this month I'm adding back in my weights. If I build back the muscle I have lost over the past five months, that will, I'm confident, lead to a weight gain for a short period of time. At least weightlifting has always done that to me in the past. Which should be good for the final weigh-in. Like I said, BMI can't go below 40. It's official. There it is. BMI can't go below 40.
She apologized to me for never telling me that sooner. I should have asked sooner! She had nothing to apologize for - it's a ridiculous game. But it touched me when she said "don't stress about this". Just don't lose too much...and from month to month, I haven't.
Anyway...
I have four weeks to go and then I have my final weigh-in. Following that, she said it will take a week to get my package put together and sent off to my insurance company. Once it's sent, they'll let me know. And that's where I can help myself by calling once a week and talking to my case manager. That will show two things 1) I'm serious, and 2) I'm committed to this. Both things
can help with approvals and getting approvals faster. I'm good at bugging people, politely and tactfully. I will be calling. It can take anywhere from 2-6 weeks she said, from when the insurance company receives my package. And once it's approved, I'll be scheduled for a pre-op. I need to ask...at one point I thought she said as soon as I was approved I would start the pre-op diet then but I didn't clarify that today. Not sure if I start that diet when I meet with my surgeon or when I get the approval. But I've got some time to get that answer...so not worried. And I know they'll tell me, too.
I like this NP a lot. She is easy to talk to and so very helpful. She just kept saying over and over and over today that she knows I will do well with this. You know why she was saying that? I talked about things I've learned from various other bloggers and she was amazed that I am so totally in this like that. I see this blogging community and what it does for people ahead of me in this process and between 1) reading those ahead of me and 2) interacting with the people that I do, it is a great support network. And support can make all the difference here. Blogging has helped keep me in check, if you can believe that; and it's interesting to go back and re-read some of my own blogs. I see flaws and problems that need to be worked on - flaws and problems that I didn't necessarily identify at the time of writing them, but I see them now and know that if I let them go, those flaws and problems can cause problems.
One thing I have to share is something I've been debating in my head for a few days/weeks now. Why do I need this?
The question is based on multiple things.
1) my calorie count is now consistently down to between 700-900 calories a day.
2) I am losing weight without trying - and without a band.
3) I am chewing and chewing and chewing and taking small bites - without a band
4) I am drinking almost exclusively water nowadays (except for a glass of wine or martini on occasion)
5) I am losing weight without exercising
Point #5 is important because to me, it means that when I plateau, I can add in the exercise and get things started again. I still have options available, basically. Wouldn't the lap-band be a last alternative?
But here's why I need this. Because when I plateau again, after starting exercising, I'll get dismayed. And I'll give up. And the exercise will stop. And some weight will come back. Which will dismay me even further. Which will lead to eating more. And then more weight will come back. And I'll get right back to here. I want the band as a reminder that
it's ok to plateau and it will happen. I want the band to be my buddy when that happens at all the various future points of my life when my weight can run away again - after having a kid, later in life, when I'm just too tired and exhausted to work out because of stressful times at work and the exercise regimen gets interrupted. These are just some scenarios I know I have ahead of me. I see the band as my failsafe.
I've said this before...I can lose the weight. But part of my problem is I guess I don't believe I can lose
all the weight. And beyond that, I
really don't know that I can keep it off.
So some of this has been said before. Why is this different today? Because I've been having a debate in my head. Am I
really ready? And I
think I am. I think that the rough week I had last week made me put some things in check. I had to delve into some personal history and figure out how I got here and why I can't get out of here. I got here because of a personal choice that ran away from me. I let it. But it got out of control because of that
letting factor. Here's the new piece. Why can't I get out of here? And that's a hard one to answer. Have I ever really been serious? I thought I was, but being overweight is a difficult thing to beat back. Am I serious now? I think so. I
really really do. In ways like I have not been before. Have I said this to myself before? I think so. Dangit, I think I have. I'd love nothing more than to deny that - but then I'd be setting myself up for problems if I did, I think. But that starts to explain the yo-yo'ing. Hence the desire for the failsafe. It won't be easy with a band. It won't come magically. I don't want it to and I don't expect it to. But I do think it will be there to remind me when I start to slip. And there's the key. I have always slipped every time I've tried. I got down to within 20 pounds of a normal weight for my height about four years ago and I slipped. I gave myself permission to slip because I thought I wouldn't gain it back....I'd watch it closer...I'd be more aware. But I
didn't. I can blame a thing or an event or a time in my life for that - but that's part of the problem. The reality is,
I let myself not pay attention. The band
won't let me do that. I might slip for a meal...but if I slip for too long, I'll have feedback saying 'what the hell are you doing?' and that feedback will kick in much sooner than my own brain has done, historically speaking.
So while I'm turning over new leaves and examining all aspects of my life, I've come to this. I
can't do it on my
own. If I could have...I would have. Not the whole package anyway...losing and then maintaining.
Just wanted to share.
And so now...I've got four weeks left...and then comes the great unknown. Will I or won't I? I'm betting that I
WILL!
