Where to start? What I want to talk about? Or what I have to talk about?
What I have to it is. I think sometimes I write really long blogs and people don't make it through to the end and I can't afford to have this missed.
Y'all are the best support I have. People in my world are so very hit or miss. They can be there for me when it's convenient but there's always something going on. I rarely ask for help - that should read I **never** ask for help. I mean, I have twin babies at home. I had twin babies at home and I had two surgeries by the time they were six months old. I was taking care of babies while unable to bend or lift any weight because we took them out of daycare. Why'd we take them out of daycare? Because it was nice to be home with them and we'd rather've not spent the money, since I was home. Was that wise? No, it made recovery HARD. Much longer than it had to be. But we couldn't fathom using our vacation weeks, given that we could just un-enroll and have them home with me. Do you know how hard it is to put a baby on the floor so you can run to the bathroom when you can't lift, you can't bend, and you can't run? And, just for shits and giggles, Husby chose to only take one day off to help out. Why? Because I **never** ask for help.
Friends and neighbors later said "we would have helped, we just needed to know you needed us". I cannot, for some reason, pick up the phone and say I'm whelmed. I certainly won't say I'm overwhelmed. I just don't ask. I'm afraid it makes me look weak or something. Or like I can't handle my life.
Well. Then there is now. NOW I am asking for help. I **need** someone to worry about me right now. Because it CANNOT be my husband. I am there for him. Right now, he is not allowed to be there for me. He can't console me in this. I can console him, he is NOT ALLOWED to reciprocate.
I bet you're saying get to the damned point Lori.
Ok.
Fred has cancer.
Do you know how hard it is to type that? To say it? I lost my mom to this brutal word.
Cancer doesn't just affect the person that **has** it, it affects the family of the person that has it. But no one, well, very few, ever stop to ask the spouse, the child, the father, the mother, the brother, or the sister - How are YOU? It affects each family member in different ways. Spouses moreso than siblings, maybe. Children moreso than parents, maybe. It's all different. Who knows. What I'm saying is the role you have in a person's life doesn't necessarily indicate how much you'll be affected or not. My mom's cancer affected me far more than her siblings. It affected my step-father more than me.
But here I am. Again. My favorite person on the planet had his world turned upside down yesterday. A simple sentence. "You have cancer". And a whole new outlook is born.
I want to break down. WANT to desperately. All the feelings of losing my mom all came flooding back in less than a second. The second in which that sentence was spoken. All the worries and fears of what it would do to her, how she would fair, the world we moved into as she fought a valiant fight...it all came back.
My husband's cancer is "very curable", our PCP says. It's "the best cancer to get, if you have to get cancer", she says.
We don't know much of anything right now. We don't know what stage. We don't know when surgery will be scheduled. We do know surgery is imminent. We don't know the course of action. We don't know much of anything right now except for that, yes, yes he does have cancer.
My mom had cancer. I am still fighting her cancer to this day. I will always fight her cancer and what it did to me, too. The person that has cancer gets the worry and the concern and the prayers and the support from everyone around them. Those around the person, well, they're just there for support, aren't they?
Already today, as word has spread, people have sent emails and text messages and made phone calls and such telling Fred they will support him however they can. No one but Fred has said "Lori, how are you?"
And. It. Is. Not. NOT. NOT! Fred's job to worry about me in this. He doesn't need that stress. He needs to focus on him and beat this.
Statistics say he'll beat this.
Statistics said my mom would beat hers, too.
There is no room for complacency with cancer.
All I know is I need someone, someone other than my sweetheart, to worry about me, too. And so far, none of my friends or family, in-laws though they are, have uttered a single sentence to let me know they're here for me, too.
As my step-dad used to say, "It's not just the patient that has cancer. It's the whole family."
If you've ever had it in you to support a blogger, please help me now. How? Just be there. In spite of my absence for so long, please just be there, read, comment, let me know you're there. I think this is the only place I'll go to really let go, to let it be about me.
Fred asked me this morning "are you worried? Because I really am". I said, "Of course!" He said "Well good, because you aren't showing it". I said, "Of course not, that doesn't help you!"
That means I'm doing my job. I did it with my mom. She didn't need to worry about me. Fred doesn't need to worry about me. He, like my mom in her day, needs to focus on himself. Worrying about me is a stupid distraction and it's a stress he doesn't need. Stress takes energy. He needs his energy. I aim to be a help, not a hindrance.
Of course, I will talk to him and I will answer honestly if he asks direction questions like above. I will continue to be the wifey he knows. But I will not be, for him, the person that takes his energy.
I guess I'd forgotten this. I did it for my mom. But with all that came flooding back yesterday in that one little second, I realized I forgot how much energy it takes out of me to work so hard to not be a stress for them. And I'm scared. When I did it for my mom, I was only me. Now, I have twins, I have a husband. I don't take care of only me, now. I take care of an entire house and work a job that isn't as generous with time off as the job I had when my mom had cancer. I take care of a lot, now. I could get away with shoddy friends back when it was my mom because I didn't have so much of me invested in so many things. But now, shoddy friends hurt.
Sigh...
Time to move on to the next topic, I guess. Now I'm just beating a horse...
So what I want to...I am thinking this will wait 'til tomorrow again. Who cares about me and my health now. So I'm in pain and life is generally difficult every day. Pain does that. But my pain, well, it's not cancer. Sure, there's no easy answer for mine and I have to live with it until I do something extreme. But it's not cancer. So there ya go. How 'bout that for a little perspective.
I guess I'll approach it another day...or let it go...who knows. "Talking" about it sure don't make it better.
I hope everyone else had a better hump day!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
05/30/2012: The plan in action
So, Friday I declared a new plan. We would stop eating out immediately. We would do so for an entire month, the month of June, however, we'd be starting this in May.
Well...we kinda really didn't. Ish.
Friday, we did. We ate at home. We did not go out, except for me eating that lunch I had to buy since we ran out of lunch meat, cheese and bread. Hard to make a samich without them essentials. But I went to my little cafeteria at work and had me a samich made. Pretty no harm no foul, other than cost, which, luckily, is pretty minimal at work.
Saturday. Woke up. Ate breakies. At home.
Then promptly said to Husby, lets eat out one more time before we really get into this. I also said to Husby, here's where YOU do the hard thing and tell me no, because we're in this together.
He didn't tell me no.
In fact, we went out to lunch and he proceeded to tell me this was too strict. That we should have exceptions to our "no eating out" effort.
Yeah...a little frustrating. I am tired of combating not only myself but also my Husby. He wants to do the same thing over and over and over, eat out, pick up a soda here, a sonic blast there, eat a zebra cake daily and expects to lose weight.
I can't do that. But I'll drink that soda, too. I'll say the sonic blast is a treat, too. Luckily, I hate zebra cakes so that's not a problem and I don't buy the things that would be problems for me, like oreo's or skittles. If we could just stop eating out, I'd get myself pretty well in check.
So we fought. I'm frustrated. I think "it's just a month" and we can add back in treats when we are done with this. It's just a month and maybe we can finish the danged month with enough money in the checking account to go buy new clothes that will fit and plan a vacation. It's just a month, I say.
He says "still need exceptions".
I understand his exceptions. I understand that if we are with family and therefore out of town that it would be wise to say "if they go out, so do we". I'm not arguing those exceptions. I'm saying that if we are out running errands and we are thirsty, then we shoulda planned ahead for this month and take a cooler with drinks. It's just a month. He says "a sweet tea at McDonald's is only a dollar." Yes, but what else do we get when we go through the danged drive-thru at McDonald's. That drink is a gateway. If we don't go through the drive-thru, we don't get anything and that's what we need to do!
IT'S JUST A MONTH.
I'm not sure we ever really got to the same page. And it's so frustrating to me; just say no, I say. Fast food and eating out really are like crack to us. And I guess the end result is I'm ready to break the addiction but he really isn't.
So that was Saturday. Wound up getting pizza Saturday night. You know, all the old excuses, it's late, it'll be easier, it's just this once. Stupid.
I declared this exercise on this blog because this is my accountability. And I'm accounting to you that on Saturday, I sucked green eggs and ham.
Sunday, though. Nope. Did. Not. Eat. Out. Not a single drink, not a single meal, not a single snack. We. Ate. At. Home. We planned ahead and we did it.
Monday. Did. Not. Eat. Out.
Tuesday. Yep. Did not eat out.
Husby did bring in a fresh package of zebra cakes yesterday. I swear, I don't know how to get him to understand that eating one of those a day makes that NOT a treat and you can't expect to see the scale budge when you're eating those things. But it's not on me to educate him. I mean, I really can't. He really has to figure it out for himself. He has to get there and me "trying" to "enlighten" him will just make him be more adamant as he loses respect for me. I can't be that nag. Even though I'm watching him suffer and I know that all he has to do is stop the zebra cakes...he has to get there himself.
I think one of my biggest fears is Blue and Green growing up watching this and thinking it's ok. I don't want them to have the same food struggles that we do. I want them to always eat real food, not processed food. I want them to understand a treat is just a treat and that you don't get to eat treats every day. I want them to not lose the battle with their weight, ever. I want them to always have the energy I know is in there and to always use it productively. I want them to not be us!
But children learn by example. And the example we are setting SUCKS. Yeah, they're only 7.5 months old and it'll be a minute before they start to eat real food and put this all together. But if we don't break this habit now, BEFORE they start trying to imitate it...man, it's just gonna get worse. I don't want worse. This is enough!
So there we are. Still in May and we had a setback and now we have started and we're doing ok. The routine should start to settle in soon and I think that will be a huge step in the right direction.
Meanwhile, endometriosis sucks. Not that I ever doubted that. But I know it entirely too firsthand now. I really want to know why getting pregnant and having babies made this worse for me. I think it's always been there but it's worse than ever now. It scares me to get pregnant again. I know that following all the babies we want to have that I can have the hysterectomy and hopefully get relief and I know that what I feel right now, today, that I want that...I want it desperately but I gotta hang on and have the rest of the baby(s) we want...but I want to know why the pregnancy made it worse. What happened? How did endometriosis get up into the area of my stomach and where the gallbladder used to be?
This, is tomorrow's blog. Realizations and learnings about what my health has and has not been for the past three months. Realizations about what needed to happen....and what did not.
So I'll see ya tomorrow.
In the meantime, have a happy hump day!
Well...we kinda really didn't. Ish.
Friday, we did. We ate at home. We did not go out, except for me eating that lunch I had to buy since we ran out of lunch meat, cheese and bread. Hard to make a samich without them essentials. But I went to my little cafeteria at work and had me a samich made. Pretty no harm no foul, other than cost, which, luckily, is pretty minimal at work.
Saturday. Woke up. Ate breakies. At home.
Then promptly said to Husby, lets eat out one more time before we really get into this. I also said to Husby, here's where YOU do the hard thing and tell me no, because we're in this together.
He didn't tell me no.
In fact, we went out to lunch and he proceeded to tell me this was too strict. That we should have exceptions to our "no eating out" effort.
Yeah...a little frustrating. I am tired of combating not only myself but also my Husby. He wants to do the same thing over and over and over, eat out, pick up a soda here, a sonic blast there, eat a zebra cake daily and expects to lose weight.
I can't do that. But I'll drink that soda, too. I'll say the sonic blast is a treat, too. Luckily, I hate zebra cakes so that's not a problem and I don't buy the things that would be problems for me, like oreo's or skittles. If we could just stop eating out, I'd get myself pretty well in check.
So we fought. I'm frustrated. I think "it's just a month" and we can add back in treats when we are done with this. It's just a month and maybe we can finish the danged month with enough money in the checking account to go buy new clothes that will fit and plan a vacation. It's just a month, I say.
He says "still need exceptions".
I understand his exceptions. I understand that if we are with family and therefore out of town that it would be wise to say "if they go out, so do we". I'm not arguing those exceptions. I'm saying that if we are out running errands and we are thirsty, then we shoulda planned ahead for this month and take a cooler with drinks. It's just a month. He says "a sweet tea at McDonald's is only a dollar." Yes, but what else do we get when we go through the danged drive-thru at McDonald's. That drink is a gateway. If we don't go through the drive-thru, we don't get anything and that's what we need to do!
IT'S JUST A MONTH.
I'm not sure we ever really got to the same page. And it's so frustrating to me; just say no, I say. Fast food and eating out really are like crack to us. And I guess the end result is I'm ready to break the addiction but he really isn't.
So that was Saturday. Wound up getting pizza Saturday night. You know, all the old excuses, it's late, it'll be easier, it's just this once. Stupid.
I declared this exercise on this blog because this is my accountability. And I'm accounting to you that on Saturday, I sucked green eggs and ham.
Sunday, though. Nope. Did. Not. Eat. Out. Not a single drink, not a single meal, not a single snack. We. Ate. At. Home. We planned ahead and we did it.
Monday. Did. Not. Eat. Out.
Tuesday. Yep. Did not eat out.
Husby did bring in a fresh package of zebra cakes yesterday. I swear, I don't know how to get him to understand that eating one of those a day makes that NOT a treat and you can't expect to see the scale budge when you're eating those things. But it's not on me to educate him. I mean, I really can't. He really has to figure it out for himself. He has to get there and me "trying" to "enlighten" him will just make him be more adamant as he loses respect for me. I can't be that nag. Even though I'm watching him suffer and I know that all he has to do is stop the zebra cakes...he has to get there himself.
I think one of my biggest fears is Blue and Green growing up watching this and thinking it's ok. I don't want them to have the same food struggles that we do. I want them to always eat real food, not processed food. I want them to understand a treat is just a treat and that you don't get to eat treats every day. I want them to not lose the battle with their weight, ever. I want them to always have the energy I know is in there and to always use it productively. I want them to not be us!
But children learn by example. And the example we are setting SUCKS. Yeah, they're only 7.5 months old and it'll be a minute before they start to eat real food and put this all together. But if we don't break this habit now, BEFORE they start trying to imitate it...man, it's just gonna get worse. I don't want worse. This is enough!
So there we are. Still in May and we had a setback and now we have started and we're doing ok. The routine should start to settle in soon and I think that will be a huge step in the right direction.
Meanwhile, endometriosis sucks. Not that I ever doubted that. But I know it entirely too firsthand now. I really want to know why getting pregnant and having babies made this worse for me. I think it's always been there but it's worse than ever now. It scares me to get pregnant again. I know that following all the babies we want to have that I can have the hysterectomy and hopefully get relief and I know that what I feel right now, today, that I want that...I want it desperately but I gotta hang on and have the rest of the baby(s) we want...but I want to know why the pregnancy made it worse. What happened? How did endometriosis get up into the area of my stomach and where the gallbladder used to be?
This, is tomorrow's blog. Realizations and learnings about what my health has and has not been for the past three months. Realizations about what needed to happen....and what did not.
So I'll see ya tomorrow.
In the meantime, have a happy hump day!
Friday, May 25, 2012
05/25/2012: A new plan
I thought I wasn't gonna blog today, hence the "have a good weekend" send off at the end of yesterday's blog - which apparently no one has read. My blogs don't seem to show up in reader anymore unless I do a silly little trick. Anywho, but here I am, blogging again, because I'm excited.
Background: We eat out a lot. 5 times a week or so, for dinner alone. 2 times a week or so for lunch. 1 time a week or so for breakfast. We are "better" with breakfast as most days we drink our smoothies that we make at home with an occasional treat breakfast. Lunch I tend to bring to work every day but Husby much prefers to eat out. Dinner...well, by dinner time, just seems we are shot, or we forgot to get something out of the freezer, or...a whole plethora of dumb and lame excuses.
So why am I excited?
We spend a shit-ton on eating out. Way too damned much. Don't even factor in that minuscule factor of healthy eating into the equation, just focus on friggin cost. It's crazy 'spensive.
We are trying to diaper and feed twins. My boobies didn't work well enough so breast-feeding didn't pan out which leaves us with formula. They were on a special formula given that they were preemies for the longest time. It's only in the last month that we've gotten ourselves to regular formula and it's still 'spensive. Diapers is 'spensive. And I won't even factor in the cost of daycare. While it still makes sense for me to work, me not working is a long way off in the cost vs. income debate, it's 'spensive. As Husby put it, paying for twins in daycare is a beach house mortgage payment for us. Damn.
I bet you still wanna know why I'm excited.
Cause we're gonna try something.
I'm so excited.
Now we talk about that minuscule factor of health. I'm a good cook. I don't mean like, Damn Gina, she's awesome. I mean like I cook good foods. Real food. Very little out of a can or a box or processed. When I cook at home, you can be sure that the tomato sauce we are using for our pasta is something I made with tomatoes and basil from our garden, for example. I cook up a big ol' batch and freeze it in individual serving size baggies so we have a quick easy meal during the week. Brown up a little ground beef and wah-lah. Our pasta would be our downfall there as I don't make my own. But pasta tends to not usually be over-processed anyway, so long as you get good stuff. Add to that, when I cook at home, I don't eat a shit-ton of pasta like you get served at restaurants.
I'm so excited!
Real food. Way less fat. Simple.
And money in the checking account!
I'm so excited!
This also means routine. I thrive when I have a good routine. My husby does, too, although he claims to hate routines. He will do all he can to avoid a routine but once on one, he thrives and says 'well damn, now I get to do all I want to do'. Do you know how hard it is to play with beautifuls, work out, chillax, watch some drama show of the day on the tv, AND eat out? It doesn't work!
I swear, how did I not think of this before this morning?
There I was in the shower and I said well hell. There it is.
And I suggested it to Husby sure he'd shoot it down. And he did. He loves him some eating out. But then I pointed out the bennies. I pointed out how we are always whining about not being able to do this or that in a normal evening and the average we spend each month on eating out and how that translates into fewer vacations. And then I threw the whammy down - our health. It's horrid right now. And he said, 'well, ah, hmm'. And I said 'you know we have to try this'. And he agreed.
After a month of detoxing and breaking habits and setting routines and all the good that will come of this we can then add back in our once a week. On a weekend. A treat should be just that. A treat. It should not be a standard!
I'm so excited!
What's even more awesome. Nope, not waiting until June 1. We are starting today. (As I eat out for lunch because we ran out of lunch meat yesterday and won't be able to get to the grocery store until this evening. But my cafeteria-like-thing at work is pretty good food. Good being not processed, real, grown naturally, food. And I can choose wisely and do so cheaply.)
Isn't it amazing that good, real food also tends to be much cheaper?
Speaking of which, if you live in Colorado, California, Arizona or Texas, have you come across a Sprouts yet? Man I love that store! Good veggies and fruits and way cheaper! We were in one in Austin this past weekend and I so wish we had one closer to home. I'm making all the beautifuls baby foods and have become uber cognizant of veggie and fruit prices. Still cheaper to make my own than buy the processed-doesn't-taste-like-the-food-it-claims-to-be jar food...but cheaper than cheap works for me, especially if the quality is still there, which it is, at Sprouts.
Now I'm rambling. So very excited!
And now I mean it. Have a great, relaxing, kick off the summer weekend - and please remember what this extended weekend is really about!
Background: We eat out a lot. 5 times a week or so, for dinner alone. 2 times a week or so for lunch. 1 time a week or so for breakfast. We are "better" with breakfast as most days we drink our smoothies that we make at home with an occasional treat breakfast. Lunch I tend to bring to work every day but Husby much prefers to eat out. Dinner...well, by dinner time, just seems we are shot, or we forgot to get something out of the freezer, or...a whole plethora of dumb and lame excuses.
So why am I excited?
We spend a shit-ton on eating out. Way too damned much. Don't even factor in that minuscule factor of healthy eating into the equation, just focus on friggin cost. It's crazy 'spensive.
We are trying to diaper and feed twins. My boobies didn't work well enough so breast-feeding didn't pan out which leaves us with formula. They were on a special formula given that they were preemies for the longest time. It's only in the last month that we've gotten ourselves to regular formula and it's still 'spensive. Diapers is 'spensive. And I won't even factor in the cost of daycare. While it still makes sense for me to work, me not working is a long way off in the cost vs. income debate, it's 'spensive. As Husby put it, paying for twins in daycare is a beach house mortgage payment for us. Damn.
I bet you still wanna know why I'm excited.
Cause we're gonna try something.
We are going to challenge ourselves to eat at home for all meals for an entire month!
Now we talk about that minuscule factor of health. I'm a good cook. I don't mean like, Damn Gina, she's awesome. I mean like I cook good foods. Real food. Very little out of a can or a box or processed. When I cook at home, you can be sure that the tomato sauce we are using for our pasta is something I made with tomatoes and basil from our garden, for example. I cook up a big ol' batch and freeze it in individual serving size baggies so we have a quick easy meal during the week. Brown up a little ground beef and wah-lah. Our pasta would be our downfall there as I don't make my own. But pasta tends to not usually be over-processed anyway, so long as you get good stuff. Add to that, when I cook at home, I don't eat a shit-ton of pasta like you get served at restaurants.
I'm so excited!
Real food. Way less fat. Simple.
And money in the checking account!
I'm so excited!
This also means routine. I thrive when I have a good routine. My husby does, too, although he claims to hate routines. He will do all he can to avoid a routine but once on one, he thrives and says 'well damn, now I get to do all I want to do'. Do you know how hard it is to play with beautifuls, work out, chillax, watch some drama show of the day on the tv, AND eat out? It doesn't work!
I swear, how did I not think of this before this morning?
There I was in the shower and I said well hell. There it is.
And I suggested it to Husby sure he'd shoot it down. And he did. He loves him some eating out. But then I pointed out the bennies. I pointed out how we are always whining about not being able to do this or that in a normal evening and the average we spend each month on eating out and how that translates into fewer vacations. And then I threw the whammy down - our health. It's horrid right now. And he said, 'well, ah, hmm'. And I said 'you know we have to try this'. And he agreed.
After a month of detoxing and breaking habits and setting routines and all the good that will come of this we can then add back in our once a week. On a weekend. A treat should be just that. A treat. It should not be a standard!
I'm so excited!
What's even more awesome. Nope, not waiting until June 1. We are starting today. (As I eat out for lunch because we ran out of lunch meat yesterday and won't be able to get to the grocery store until this evening. But my cafeteria-like-thing at work is pretty good food. Good being not processed, real, grown naturally, food. And I can choose wisely and do so cheaply.)
Isn't it amazing that good, real food also tends to be much cheaper?
Speaking of which, if you live in Colorado, California, Arizona or Texas, have you come across a Sprouts yet? Man I love that store! Good veggies and fruits and way cheaper! We were in one in Austin this past weekend and I so wish we had one closer to home. I'm making all the beautifuls baby foods and have become uber cognizant of veggie and fruit prices. Still cheaper to make my own than buy the processed-doesn't-taste-like-the-food-it-claims-to-be jar food...but cheaper than cheap works for me, especially if the quality is still there, which it is, at Sprouts.
Now I'm rambling. So very excited!
And now I mean it. Have a great, relaxing, kick off the summer weekend - and please remember what this extended weekend is really about!
Thursday, May 24, 2012
05/24/2012: Quiet around here
Not much going on with me. I'm reading and catching up. I'm actually working at work. I'm beyond busy at home. And not much is up. Quiet week.
Ready for what quiet means? We went to Austin this past weekend to visit MIL and step-FIL. It's their last chance to see the boys before they head out of state to avoid the notorious Texas heat. It was a great weekend...ish.
Ok, side note. Beautifuls will now be called "Blue" and "Green". Blue is Baby A, the first born, the older of the two, (by 30 whole seconds) who is also the smaller baby. Green is Baby B, the second born, who is the bigger baby. We color code things like bottles and pacifiers and even some toys so that we know whose is whose and these are the colors that got themselves associated with each baby. I was wracking my brain for "names" for them and this hit me last week so I'm going with it.
Anywho.
Green got himself sick last week. We were dealing with diarrhea alone by the end of the week so figured no harm, no foul in heading out of town. Took us some extra clothes and extra this's and extra that's and figured we'd go with it. Saturday we all loaded into the vehicular of choice and headed out and about for shopping and barbeque and general outness. And I swear, we were changing diapers every ten minutes. Poor Green was miserable! Never got dehydrated, never lost his appetite, but he sure went through the ringer.
By Monday he was getting back to "normal".
In the meantime, Blue got himself sick. This all started with two very distinct throwing up episodes in both cases and then was followed with five days of the runs. At least Blue got to be sick at home with all the amenities close at hand.
And...as ever, our beautifuls are major sharers so sweet hubby and I both got blessed with this bug, too. We all stayed home Monday to recuperate. And sweet hubby decided he was "sicker than" me so I got to take care of everyone while hubby napped and the beautifuls went about their normal baby days. Umm...yay for moms.
All is back to normal and well. 'Cept for me. Whatever is causing my incessant pain and discomfort that seems to be associated with my reproductive cycle was just exacerbated drastically by this bug.
Such is my life, apparently.
In the meantime, we are all kinda just plodding along. This week seems to be dragging. I am soooooo looking forward to this weekend. First time in quite awhile that we will just be home and just chill. We will float in the pool and chillax. We will grill. We will sleep and nap when we can. We will be us at home with no demands on us from elsewhere. Me likey!
We'll probably do minimal work'ish stuff. I want to deal with some pool issues. Husby wants to paint two doors that we are having hung next week (replacing our two back doors). Kinda sorta projects that we'll kinda get to when we feel like it.
It seems like it's been forever since we've had a weekend like this where we all generally felt good! And to think it'll be three days of it is just peaceful!
And then the next weekend we can hit the ground running again with all those demands everyone else places on us all the time. Go here be there do that see this. It's fun, but it sure gets old, too. I like me some down time.
I know this isn't going to get better as the beautifuls get older, either. In fact, I suspect we will have a span where this pretty much never happens. Only time will tell there, though, and as with all things in life, we will just go with it, whatever "it" is.
So that's my news. Not much! I'm actually busy at work and I'm still battling with balance to find time for me to take care of me. I sooo miss exercise. I actually see a light in this tunnel, though, in that if we can get things to settle into routine, I can probably find me some time in the evenings after the beautifuls head to bed. It is unfolding that they are konked out by 8 which leaves Husby and I with a couple hours before we really wanna be lights out. If this can become routine, I can easily see a workout AND a bath AND a tv show of choice. Hell, if we get the cable run to our garage, I can watch me my show while working out. Now there's an idea! Talk about chillaxing! Endorphines AND drama. What more could I ask for?
I love it! Calling the cable guy right now!
See ya next week, y'all. Please have a safe and wonderful Memorial Day and please take a moment to remember what this weekend is really for!
Ready for what quiet means? We went to Austin this past weekend to visit MIL and step-FIL. It's their last chance to see the boys before they head out of state to avoid the notorious Texas heat. It was a great weekend...ish.
Ok, side note. Beautifuls will now be called "Blue" and "Green". Blue is Baby A, the first born, the older of the two, (by 30 whole seconds) who is also the smaller baby. Green is Baby B, the second born, who is the bigger baby. We color code things like bottles and pacifiers and even some toys so that we know whose is whose and these are the colors that got themselves associated with each baby. I was wracking my brain for "names" for them and this hit me last week so I'm going with it.
Anywho.
Green got himself sick last week. We were dealing with diarrhea alone by the end of the week so figured no harm, no foul in heading out of town. Took us some extra clothes and extra this's and extra that's and figured we'd go with it. Saturday we all loaded into the vehicular of choice and headed out and about for shopping and barbeque and general outness. And I swear, we were changing diapers every ten minutes. Poor Green was miserable! Never got dehydrated, never lost his appetite, but he sure went through the ringer.
By Monday he was getting back to "normal".
In the meantime, Blue got himself sick. This all started with two very distinct throwing up episodes in both cases and then was followed with five days of the runs. At least Blue got to be sick at home with all the amenities close at hand.
And...as ever, our beautifuls are major sharers so sweet hubby and I both got blessed with this bug, too. We all stayed home Monday to recuperate. And sweet hubby decided he was "sicker than" me so I got to take care of everyone while hubby napped and the beautifuls went about their normal baby days. Umm...yay for moms.
All is back to normal and well. 'Cept for me. Whatever is causing my incessant pain and discomfort that seems to be associated with my reproductive cycle was just exacerbated drastically by this bug.
Such is my life, apparently.
In the meantime, we are all kinda just plodding along. This week seems to be dragging. I am soooooo looking forward to this weekend. First time in quite awhile that we will just be home and just chill. We will float in the pool and chillax. We will grill. We will sleep and nap when we can. We will be us at home with no demands on us from elsewhere. Me likey!
We'll probably do minimal work'ish stuff. I want to deal with some pool issues. Husby wants to paint two doors that we are having hung next week (replacing our two back doors). Kinda sorta projects that we'll kinda get to when we feel like it.
It seems like it's been forever since we've had a weekend like this where we all generally felt good! And to think it'll be three days of it is just peaceful!
And then the next weekend we can hit the ground running again with all those demands everyone else places on us all the time. Go here be there do that see this. It's fun, but it sure gets old, too. I like me some down time.
I know this isn't going to get better as the beautifuls get older, either. In fact, I suspect we will have a span where this pretty much never happens. Only time will tell there, though, and as with all things in life, we will just go with it, whatever "it" is.
So that's my news. Not much! I'm actually busy at work and I'm still battling with balance to find time for me to take care of me. I sooo miss exercise. I actually see a light in this tunnel, though, in that if we can get things to settle into routine, I can probably find me some time in the evenings after the beautifuls head to bed. It is unfolding that they are konked out by 8 which leaves Husby and I with a couple hours before we really wanna be lights out. If this can become routine, I can easily see a workout AND a bath AND a tv show of choice. Hell, if we get the cable run to our garage, I can watch me my show while working out. Now there's an idea! Talk about chillaxing! Endorphines AND drama. What more could I ask for?
I love it! Calling the cable guy right now!
See ya next week, y'all. Please have a safe and wonderful Memorial Day and please take a moment to remember what this weekend is really for!
Thursday, May 17, 2012
05/17/2012: 7 months
It's so hard to believe my beautifuls are 7 months old today. Where'd it go, these 7 months? For the first few months, 4 or 5'ish, or so, it felt like what it was. It wasn't too fast, it wasn't too slow. It just was. But around about 5'ish or so, months, that is, it picked up pace and now, at this point, I just don't know where it went. I can't possibly have been a mommy for 7 months. I still know nothing. Lol...I'm always gonna know nothing, though. That I know.
My beautifuls are amazing. They wake up happy every morning and it just goes from there. Their happiness is contagious.
It's pretty awesome being mom to these guys. They are so totally different and yet so very much on the same page. There are funny things, like they are getting ready to crawl and scooching has commenced. One scooches by arching and extending, like an inch worm. The other scooches by getting his feet and knees under him and pushing along. They are equally as mobile yet go about it in different ways. As my hubby says, it's neat to watch them developing in so very different ways, it reminds us that they are unique individuals - which we never doubted anyway.
But along with those differences are temperamental differences, too. And they both have wonderful temperaments. Very easy going and laid back. One is more curious and even mischievous. The other is a sneaky devil - acts all innocent and pure but is really probably more mischievous than his mischievous brother. My sweet little innocent one, at least innocent acting one, is the mommy's boy. His face lights up like nothing I've ever seen before just by a little smile in his direction by little ol me. He is my sweetie! When his face lights up like that, this adorable little smile breaks out and it's just precious. And what's more endearing - he can't stop himself. He wears his heart on his sleeve for me. The other is my playful one. He could care less about me at times but he lights up in that same manner for Daddy. And that's absolutely priceless to watch! I would have it no other way.
People always try to say A is like this and 1 is like that. As soon as you say that...they flip it up on us. They won't be put into neat little categories and the competition is already alive and well.
Anywho, even though this is titled "7 months" and I've now spent multiple paragraphs bragging on my beautifuls, this isn't about them.
It's about me.
In 7 months, I've learned a new me. I'm pretty pathetic. I always knew that. I still think it.
This is so weird to write and it's pretty raw, so sorry for it being so all over the place. I'll start by saying my husby thinks I'm amazing. He thinks I'm an amazing mom, an amazing wife, even an amazing person. I think he's wrong. Luckily, he's stuck with me as a wife. I get to remind him of that frequently. A friend posted a picture on Facebook that I thought was perfect and I actually got to use the saying on Fred last night. He claimed I was nuts (true). I said "who's nuts here? Me? Or you for marrying me?" I joke with him about being stuck, about me being nuts, etc, but I think it's hard to keep up with/take care of me. I need something a lot of the time, it seems. He seems happy to give it, but to me, it seems like it would be a job. I guess you know when you've got the right person because what seems a job to me, he claims isn't for him. It's a passion for him. And I'd hope he'd be passionate about me.
It's just so weird. Having him so duped. I'm not amazing. I'm far from it. I can think of so many ways in which I could be a better wife. But beyond that, it's the mommyhood thing I'm realizing I'm doing craptastically.
Who you are in the face of grief and/or hardship is who you are. If you are a rock in hard times, then you are a rock. Hard times, by my definition accounts for a gazillion different situations and I'm not going to spell it all out here. But let's just say me and my health of late qualifies as a hard time. And I suck.
To me, a good mom is a mom through and through. Like my mom. She is my benchmark. She could be a good mom with her hands tied and her eyes blinded. It was who she was. No matter what was happening in life, taking care of me was first and foremost on her mind. If she didn't feel good - she was still a mom first. She found the energy to get me cared for.
I am not/have not been doing that.
Tuesday, for example, I woke up with a migraine. Hell, went to bed Monday night with a migraine. Still there Tuesday. I could not and did not get up with the boys Tuesday morning when they declared it was eating time. Husby got it and that was good enough for me.
Damn "Gina"! I suck!
Ok, so maybe I can cut myself some slack following a surgery or two. Yeah, I had care in place so that the boys were cared for. But still...yep, you guessed it...I suck.
If you wanted to give me a motherhood compliment that I'd take to heart, you'd tell me I'm taking after my mom.
Sad thing is, you can't say that - and if you tried, I'd tell you yer liein, and I'd be right.
Some might say babyhood is rough and twins are rough and doing twin babies while battling craptastic health is just rough and to cut myself some slack. See...moms don't get slack. That's not how it works. Moms that take slack...not like my mom. My mom didn't have an amazing father/husband to fall back on. She didn't have a helpful set of grandparents to call in a pinch. She was it.
And I guess I'm in a similar boat to a degree. I DO have an amazing husband/father to fall back on. But not helpful grandparents that are nearby. Helpful grandparents, yes, nearby, no.
My benchmark...I'm falling drastically short of. I suck. I don't think it's enough that I know what to do when X happens. I don't think I'm enough. I think my boys need more. And I'm not it. And if I'm sucking at 7 months, damn but 10 years is gonna be rough.
But then I tell myself, watch out for self-fulfilling prophecies, Lori. If I expect to suck, then I will. If I expect to succeed, then I will.
So I have to act like it's all good, like I've got this, like I'm not struggling or flailing. Like I don't miss my mommy every day and like it's all good that I have absolutely no one to call on for experience, wisdom and guidance. I have to act like a pro when I'm anything but.
And this, my dears, is where I'm hurting.
This is why I'm writing the raw. So that I can get to the heart of it. There it was.
Yep, it's not that I suck. I don't suck anymore or less than the next guy (mom).
I miss my Mommy.
It never stops. Ever. She's been gone for 8 years now. Anniversary of her death was 9 days ago. And. It. Never. Stops. I miss her as much as the day she died. I mourn daily for what she lost. I mourn daily for what I lost. I now mourn for what my husband never got to know. And for the grandma my kids *should* know.
I want to call my mom and ask what I can do for situation X. And I can't.
I want to pick up my mom from the airport and have her take care of me. And I can't.
I want to watch my mom play with my babies. And I can't.
I want to see my mom and my husband be the friends I know they'd be. And I can't.
I want to know why God thinks I can handle this life without my Mommy. Because I can't.
One of the hardest things is I want to tell my babies every day that they can keep me forever because we should all get to keep our mommies. But I can't. I can't guarantee them that I'll live until tomorrow or until 55 (her age when she died) or 86 (my grandmother now). I can't guarantee my beautiful A that the Mommy that makes his face light up will always be there. And. It. Scares. Me. To. Death. To think that God might take me away from these beautifuls before they are done with me. I want them to never hurt. I want them to always have their needs and desires fulfilled. If they want me to live forever then I want to do that for them. But I can't guarantee that and that kills me.
I've now spent nearly a quarter of my life without my mom. I'm 36. I shouldn't be anywhere near being able to make that statement.
I never thought becoming a Mom would make me question my mortality. But somehow, because God took my Mom from me, it makes me wonder how long these boys get to keep theirs. And knowing what it feels like to be Mommie-less, I just hate that. I hate the idea of anyone being Mommie-less because it sucks big green donkey balls. It sucks to royal high heaven and beyond. It's the worst thing I've ever endured and it will never end for me. And it's so weird. It's so very weird to be so scared of being a mom because I'm afraid of what it will do to the boys when they lose me because losing a mom sucks.
And that's what I've learned in 7 months.
(Don't tell me I don't (or do) suck. I don't (or do) suck as much as the next guy/gal/thing. That's not what this was about.)
My beautifuls are amazing. They wake up happy every morning and it just goes from there. Their happiness is contagious.
It's pretty awesome being mom to these guys. They are so totally different and yet so very much on the same page. There are funny things, like they are getting ready to crawl and scooching has commenced. One scooches by arching and extending, like an inch worm. The other scooches by getting his feet and knees under him and pushing along. They are equally as mobile yet go about it in different ways. As my hubby says, it's neat to watch them developing in so very different ways, it reminds us that they are unique individuals - which we never doubted anyway.
But along with those differences are temperamental differences, too. And they both have wonderful temperaments. Very easy going and laid back. One is more curious and even mischievous. The other is a sneaky devil - acts all innocent and pure but is really probably more mischievous than his mischievous brother. My sweet little innocent one, at least innocent acting one, is the mommy's boy. His face lights up like nothing I've ever seen before just by a little smile in his direction by little ol me. He is my sweetie! When his face lights up like that, this adorable little smile breaks out and it's just precious. And what's more endearing - he can't stop himself. He wears his heart on his sleeve for me. The other is my playful one. He could care less about me at times but he lights up in that same manner for Daddy. And that's absolutely priceless to watch! I would have it no other way.
People always try to say A is like this and 1 is like that. As soon as you say that...they flip it up on us. They won't be put into neat little categories and the competition is already alive and well.
Anywho, even though this is titled "7 months" and I've now spent multiple paragraphs bragging on my beautifuls, this isn't about them.
It's about me.
In 7 months, I've learned a new me. I'm pretty pathetic. I always knew that. I still think it.
This is so weird to write and it's pretty raw, so sorry for it being so all over the place. I'll start by saying my husby thinks I'm amazing. He thinks I'm an amazing mom, an amazing wife, even an amazing person. I think he's wrong. Luckily, he's stuck with me as a wife. I get to remind him of that frequently. A friend posted a picture on Facebook that I thought was perfect and I actually got to use the saying on Fred last night. He claimed I was nuts (true). I said "who's nuts here? Me? Or you for marrying me?" I joke with him about being stuck, about me being nuts, etc, but I think it's hard to keep up with/take care of me. I need something a lot of the time, it seems. He seems happy to give it, but to me, it seems like it would be a job. I guess you know when you've got the right person because what seems a job to me, he claims isn't for him. It's a passion for him. And I'd hope he'd be passionate about me.
It's just so weird. Having him so duped. I'm not amazing. I'm far from it. I can think of so many ways in which I could be a better wife. But beyond that, it's the mommyhood thing I'm realizing I'm doing craptastically.
Who you are in the face of grief and/or hardship is who you are. If you are a rock in hard times, then you are a rock. Hard times, by my definition accounts for a gazillion different situations and I'm not going to spell it all out here. But let's just say me and my health of late qualifies as a hard time. And I suck.
To me, a good mom is a mom through and through. Like my mom. She is my benchmark. She could be a good mom with her hands tied and her eyes blinded. It was who she was. No matter what was happening in life, taking care of me was first and foremost on her mind. If she didn't feel good - she was still a mom first. She found the energy to get me cared for.
I am not/have not been doing that.
Tuesday, for example, I woke up with a migraine. Hell, went to bed Monday night with a migraine. Still there Tuesday. I could not and did not get up with the boys Tuesday morning when they declared it was eating time. Husby got it and that was good enough for me.
Damn "Gina"! I suck!
Ok, so maybe I can cut myself some slack following a surgery or two. Yeah, I had care in place so that the boys were cared for. But still...yep, you guessed it...I suck.
If you wanted to give me a motherhood compliment that I'd take to heart, you'd tell me I'm taking after my mom.
Sad thing is, you can't say that - and if you tried, I'd tell you yer liein, and I'd be right.
Some might say babyhood is rough and twins are rough and doing twin babies while battling craptastic health is just rough and to cut myself some slack. See...moms don't get slack. That's not how it works. Moms that take slack...not like my mom. My mom didn't have an amazing father/husband to fall back on. She didn't have a helpful set of grandparents to call in a pinch. She was it.
And I guess I'm in a similar boat to a degree. I DO have an amazing husband/father to fall back on. But not helpful grandparents that are nearby. Helpful grandparents, yes, nearby, no.
My benchmark...I'm falling drastically short of. I suck. I don't think it's enough that I know what to do when X happens. I don't think I'm enough. I think my boys need more. And I'm not it. And if I'm sucking at 7 months, damn but 10 years is gonna be rough.
But then I tell myself, watch out for self-fulfilling prophecies, Lori. If I expect to suck, then I will. If I expect to succeed, then I will.
So I have to act like it's all good, like I've got this, like I'm not struggling or flailing. Like I don't miss my mommy every day and like it's all good that I have absolutely no one to call on for experience, wisdom and guidance. I have to act like a pro when I'm anything but.
And this, my dears, is where I'm hurting.
This is why I'm writing the raw. So that I can get to the heart of it. There it was.
Yep, it's not that I suck. I don't suck anymore or less than the next guy (mom).
I miss my Mommy.
It never stops. Ever. She's been gone for 8 years now. Anniversary of her death was 9 days ago. And. It. Never. Stops. I miss her as much as the day she died. I mourn daily for what she lost. I mourn daily for what I lost. I now mourn for what my husband never got to know. And for the grandma my kids *should* know.
I want to call my mom and ask what I can do for situation X. And I can't.
I want to pick up my mom from the airport and have her take care of me. And I can't.
I want to watch my mom play with my babies. And I can't.
I want to see my mom and my husband be the friends I know they'd be. And I can't.
I want to know why God thinks I can handle this life without my Mommy. Because I can't.
One of the hardest things is I want to tell my babies every day that they can keep me forever because we should all get to keep our mommies. But I can't. I can't guarantee them that I'll live until tomorrow or until 55 (her age when she died) or 86 (my grandmother now). I can't guarantee my beautiful A that the Mommy that makes his face light up will always be there. And. It. Scares. Me. To. Death. To think that God might take me away from these beautifuls before they are done with me. I want them to never hurt. I want them to always have their needs and desires fulfilled. If they want me to live forever then I want to do that for them. But I can't guarantee that and that kills me.
I've now spent nearly a quarter of my life without my mom. I'm 36. I shouldn't be anywhere near being able to make that statement.
I never thought becoming a Mom would make me question my mortality. But somehow, because God took my Mom from me, it makes me wonder how long these boys get to keep theirs. And knowing what it feels like to be Mommie-less, I just hate that. I hate the idea of anyone being Mommie-less because it sucks big green donkey balls. It sucks to royal high heaven and beyond. It's the worst thing I've ever endured and it will never end for me. And it's so weird. It's so very weird to be so scared of being a mom because I'm afraid of what it will do to the boys when they lose me because losing a mom sucks.
And that's what I've learned in 7 months.
(Don't tell me I don't (or do) suck. I don't (or do) suck as much as the next guy/gal/thing. That's not what this was about.)
Monday, May 14, 2012
05/14/2012: So I'm about as stupid as they get
Yep...title says it all. It's true. I admit it. I guess my one area of strength is in recognizing just how dumb/stupid/idiotic I am. What's sad, though, is that I rarely seem to be able to do anything with this knowledge of being so stupid.
So what's the stupid act of late, you ask?
It's really not much. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, it's trifling and it's piddly and other than a few people like my blogosphere and a few friends and my hubby (so, entirely too many people)...most don't even know I did this stupid thing. But here is...
I ranted and whined and railed and wailed about having my first mother's day hijacked. Yep. I did that. And I was sooo wrong.
You hear me?
Yep, I said it here.
How can it be wrong to spend my day with a family of women who love mothers? They love their mothers, they love their sisters who are mothers, they love their daughters who are mothers, including their daugther-in-law mothers, they love their nieces and nephews' mothers...yep - if you're a mother, they probably love you! This is a family that respects mothers as a common practice. And I was whining and railing about spending the day with them?
I couldn't have been any more wrong!
Turned out, my SIL didn't choose Mother's Day as the day to baptize her daughter. She had that put upon her by her church. She didn't chose the 8:15am service to do so. She had that put upon her, as well. But, this family of people who adore mothers - they were also wise enough and mature enough to just go with it and recognize it for the beauty that it is/was.
And then there's stupid ol' me.
I got over it, though. I told Hubby yesterday morning, and I meant it, that I'm pretty good about stopping myself from focusing on the negative and instead making myself find the beauty. And yesterday morning I found the beauty. Hell, Saturday night I found the beauty. But it just got better and better as yesterday went on.
My first Mother's Day could not have been more special! We woke up to a mussing baby at 5:44. We got both boys up and fed them. Yeah...mussing, not fussing. He was going to get fussy if we didn't tend soon, but he was just a little mussy at 5:44. Anywho, the beautifuls ate and ate. I had the one, Husby had the other. The one started to fall asleep so I cuddled him up and laid back down and continued to feed him. Husby followed suit with the other. Soon enough the one and the other were done eating. And the bottles got put down as we all continued to cuddle up.
What better start to Mother's Day than a family all cuddled up? This is about the third time this has ever happened and I tell you, it's perfect! It's absolute perfection!
We got about another hour of sleep and then it was time to get up for church. At that time, the boys were ready to get up, anyway. We all got showered and dressed and ready to go and, surprisingly, we were out the door on time! Which means we actually got to the church early. This NEVER happens in our family. EVER!
The boys had no interest in the service but they amazingly didn't decide that until after the baptism was over. And this church had an amazing nursery with video feed and sound piped in. Our own church does not. Our own church - the pastor says "I can talk over a baby and I think it's important for the babies to be in the church with the congregation". I understand his point. But as a parent, I can't sit there with my babies fussing while the other parents/members around us look at us with that do something look. And as a member I can't stand it when parents don't do something.
Once the service was over, we went out to breakfast with Husby's dad. Then back to the house where the boys took naps and we packed up. We'd stayed at his dad and step-mom's house Sat night and were leaving after the party at the SIL's house.
It was finally party time and we headed over to SIL's house where a whole family of women who love being family celebrated a day that is about being family! I swear - what was there to resist?
I'm stupid!
I was in tears so many times, happy, joyful, gleeful tears as I watched my beautifuls get passed around from loving grandma to proud aunt to boastful cousin! The boys loved loved loved the day! And we left the party feeling so uplifted and embraced!
I'm stupid! How could I have not wanted to do that?
I can only hope that the rest of my Mother's Days are so special! If it's with them, I know it will be. Now I can only hope that this can be my tradition! It's exactly what I want!!!
I hope all you wonderful mothers out there had an amazing day yourselves! Now have a happy week, please!!!
So what's the stupid act of late, you ask?
It's really not much. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, it's trifling and it's piddly and other than a few people like my blogosphere and a few friends and my hubby (so, entirely too many people)...most don't even know I did this stupid thing. But here is...
I ranted and whined and railed and wailed about having my first mother's day hijacked. Yep. I did that. And I was sooo wrong.
You hear me?
I was W.R.O.N.G.
Yep, I said it here.
How can it be wrong to spend my day with a family of women who love mothers? They love their mothers, they love their sisters who are mothers, they love their daughters who are mothers, including their daugther-in-law mothers, they love their nieces and nephews' mothers...yep - if you're a mother, they probably love you! This is a family that respects mothers as a common practice. And I was whining and railing about spending the day with them?
I couldn't have been any more wrong!
Turned out, my SIL didn't choose Mother's Day as the day to baptize her daughter. She had that put upon her by her church. She didn't chose the 8:15am service to do so. She had that put upon her, as well. But, this family of people who adore mothers - they were also wise enough and mature enough to just go with it and recognize it for the beauty that it is/was.
And then there's stupid ol' me.
I got over it, though. I told Hubby yesterday morning, and I meant it, that I'm pretty good about stopping myself from focusing on the negative and instead making myself find the beauty. And yesterday morning I found the beauty. Hell, Saturday night I found the beauty. But it just got better and better as yesterday went on.
My first Mother's Day could not have been more special! We woke up to a mussing baby at 5:44. We got both boys up and fed them. Yeah...mussing, not fussing. He was going to get fussy if we didn't tend soon, but he was just a little mussy at 5:44. Anywho, the beautifuls ate and ate. I had the one, Husby had the other. The one started to fall asleep so I cuddled him up and laid back down and continued to feed him. Husby followed suit with the other. Soon enough the one and the other were done eating. And the bottles got put down as we all continued to cuddle up.
What better start to Mother's Day than a family all cuddled up? This is about the third time this has ever happened and I tell you, it's perfect! It's absolute perfection!
We got about another hour of sleep and then it was time to get up for church. At that time, the boys were ready to get up, anyway. We all got showered and dressed and ready to go and, surprisingly, we were out the door on time! Which means we actually got to the church early. This NEVER happens in our family. EVER!
The boys had no interest in the service but they amazingly didn't decide that until after the baptism was over. And this church had an amazing nursery with video feed and sound piped in. Our own church does not. Our own church - the pastor says "I can talk over a baby and I think it's important for the babies to be in the church with the congregation". I understand his point. But as a parent, I can't sit there with my babies fussing while the other parents/members around us look at us with that do something look. And as a member I can't stand it when parents don't do something.
Once the service was over, we went out to breakfast with Husby's dad. Then back to the house where the boys took naps and we packed up. We'd stayed at his dad and step-mom's house Sat night and were leaving after the party at the SIL's house.
It was finally party time and we headed over to SIL's house where a whole family of women who love being family celebrated a day that is about being family! I swear - what was there to resist?
I'm stupid!
I was in tears so many times, happy, joyful, gleeful tears as I watched my beautifuls get passed around from loving grandma to proud aunt to boastful cousin! The boys loved loved loved the day! And we left the party feeling so uplifted and embraced!
I'm stupid! How could I have not wanted to do that?
I can only hope that the rest of my Mother's Days are so special! If it's with them, I know it will be. Now I can only hope that this can be my tradition! It's exactly what I want!!!
I hope all you wonderful mothers out there had an amazing day yourselves! Now have a happy week, please!!!
Friday, May 11, 2012
05/11/2012: Not hate!!!....NO!!!
It's Friday! Yay! How 'bout some bullets cause I'ma be all over the place...
- Balance. I'm reading one of my favorite blogs and there is a lot of mention of balance. It's something I'm struggling with big time right now. I need to accomplish various things every day. Here's my list
- wake up and get ready and get out of the house "on time"
- work a successful non-stressful day
- leave work and pick up my beautiful baby boys
- cook dinner
- feed beautiful babies boys
- eat my dinner
- play with beautifuls
- put beautifuls to sleep/bed
- relax
- work out
- relax
- Don't know how to do it all. And that's assuming there isn't some ridiculous nuance like grocery shopping or getting gas to add into that. Or something even more ridiculous like paying bills or calling much loved loved ones.
- I can't do it all. I simply can't. I can't find the balance that I need and want. I, for example, struggle with eating. There simply isn't enough time to do it. Before I came back to work there would literally be days that I did not get a chance to eat anything because I was always tending to something for the boys.
- Now that I'm back at work - at least I can eat lunch on a daily basis now.
- But dinner...dinner...that I can't get consistently worked into the schedule.
- We've worked it out, mostly, that while I feed babies vegetable or fruit du jour, my sweet hubby cooks dinner.
- That doesn't mean I get to eat it, though.
- Sometimes I do, while it's hot.
- Sometimes I do, after it's gotten cold.
- Sometimes I just don't get to until 10pm, long after lights should be out.
- But meh. Who cares. It's dinner. If I'm able to not eat it, to not drop everything and go EAT IT, then I must not be hungry.
- But exercise. Work out. That...that I cannot squeeze in.
- I REFUSE to give up play time and cuddle time with my beautifuls. REFUSE. I WILL NOT DO THAT.
- I only get them for so many hours a day. I AM KEEPING THOSE HOURS! I WILL NOT let the boys play by themselves while I head out to the garage for a much needed work out.
- Ok, so after bed.
- That would seem a reasonable answer.
- But it doesn't work. Bedtime for my beautifuls is 8'ish. By the time we have them settled and we are settling, I'm exhausted and I need sleep. If I add a work out in after their bedtime, I'll be up until 11 or even 12. Getting up at 5:30am doesn't work well if you aren't going to sleep until midnight.
- So where's my balance?
- I can't do it all. I have to pick and choose.
- I know that I need to figure this out because I need to stay on this planet as a healthy person so that I can watch my beautifuls grow and blossom and thrive. I need to get this body kicked into gear so that I can start running with them when they start running circles around me. I need to be as good as pie.
- Wait. Not pie. That's not "good". I seriously hate pie.
- I need to be as good as...
- Nope. I need to be 100% I need healthy in and healthy out. I need good quality real food. Check. Good there. Maybe less of it, but the quality isn't an issue. But I'm not getting any of the out. ANY.
- I could bundle them in their carseats and stroller and head out for a walk. But I HATE cooping them up like that for extended periods of time - especially periods of time that I can be cuddling them close or playing with them.
- There are so many things I see getting "easier" when they get older. Say they are running around and such, for example. Then we could go to a park and I could get me some "Out" there as I play with them.
- But then...I don't want this stage to end, either. I love me some baby and dangit if I don't have two amazingly cute beautiful babies!
- Sigh. Balance. I have none. None that I can comfortably do right now. As I see it, finding that balance means taking something, intangible though it may be, away from them. I WILL NOT SACRIFICE TIME WITH THEM so that I can work out. I also won't sacrifice sleeping time.
- I can't do Chicago....AGAIN. DAMNITALL! I so want Chicago. I need to meet you all. NEED. It's not a simple want; it's an inherent NEED.
- But not this year. AGAIN. Time is a factor but finances are the real problem. Health problems suck it.
- I'm trying to figure out what I'ma call my beautifuls on here. Obviously, beautifuls is one, but I need the individual monikers. I don't want to stick with "Baby A" and "Baby B" or anything that indicates a first and second. Maybe as their personalities continue to emerge I'll catch onto something...but for now...not sure what I'ma do. I won't be releasing their real names on here.
- I'm having a hateful kinda day. I woke up happy and my beautifuls added to that. But my hubby did not, today, and it's gone from there. I understand my hubby's thing for why he didn't add to the happy...but the trifling crap that's occurred since then is just trifling.
- I hate trifling.
- Hate!
- I should be meeting up with aunt flow any minute now. That doesn't help.
- I feel like my first mother's day has been hijacked from me. Anything I mighta wanted to do I simply can't because my SIL decided it was her day and we all have to bow down to her. I would love to say I wouldn't care if this were next year, that it's just because it's this year, my very first - my only first...that's the reason I care. I'd love to set a tradition for this day - just like I will for Father's Day for my hubby - and the tradition will be whatever he wants it to be. But I can't have my day, my tradition. It has to be my SIL's day - and to make it sting a little better, she is totally rubbing our faces in shit, too. I don't know why I care about this SIL's approval but she very apparently does not approve of me and her day has some component of sending me and my hubby a message that we are doing it all wrong.
- I'd love to see her try her hand at twins. She's not doing one gracefully...but she thinks I suck.
- I think she's jealous.
- That's all I'ma say.
- Being in a hateful mood sucks. I hate it!
- Hate!
- I think the meeting I just conducted has made it worse. Far worse than I thought it could get today.
So on that note, I'ma call it good. And spend the rest of the day getting out of the hate mood and back into my it's all good mood. I hate hating!
Have a good weekend, y'all!
(and yes, I'll see you right back here next week!)
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
05/09/2012: Two in one week...what's this?
Hi, y'all! Can you believe it? Two in one week? Did you believe me when I claimed I was back? Do you, yet? I know, I know, it'll take time.
I am reading. I am catching up. I seem to be following a lot of blogs these days of people who haven't blogged in over a year. So my catching up is going faster than I thought it would.
So what's new? Well, today is an in-between-day. It's between two days that mean something on my personal calendar. Yesterday - 8th anniversary of my mom's passing. Tomorrow - my 4th wedding anniversary.
I told my husband this morning it was the last day of his third year. He pouted.
It's pretty odd. We are no longer newlyweds. But we also haven't been married long enough to really be able to claim we are pro's. Of course, we think we are. We are blessedly happy in our marriage and that is translating into two blessedly happy baby boys! But when you tell people you've been married four years, they scoff as if you still know nothing about marriage. And they might be right.
On the other hand, they might not. We have sure had our trials in our four years. Things most people never deal with and things I won't disclose here. Of course, there's the things I do talk about - our miscarriage, for example. Every trial that has come our way has only made us stronger. And some people never face any of these trials in their lifetimes, let alone in their first four years of marriage.
But that isn't what this is about. Like I said, today is an in-between-day. Which means I have nothing.
Can you believe it? I'm here to blog about nothing. Been a long time since you've seen one of these from me, eh?
As I get myself caught up on my readings, I will start leaving comments again and get myself back to being involved. I am super curious about who's out there now and where this community has meandered to. I would say of the blogs that I was following actively this time last year that at least 2/3 are no longer active. Yet the blogging community for weightloss and banded folks seems to be alive and well, so I assume this means I have a lot of new people to meet. I'm sure I'll find them, but I want to catch up on my current list first.
I hope everyone is having a fabulous wednesday! I am. Wanna know why? My hubby and I were woken this morning to a baby laughing through the monitor. He would goo and/or ga then just giggle for a solid minute. It was delightful to listen to. It was Baby B doing all the giggling and he did this for a good ten minutes before I got up and went and got him. He always wakes up happy - but he was just thrilled with the day this morning. These things are contagious! I love my babies and I can only hope that when they grow into my little boys that they will be as delightful as the babies they currently are. I am one lucky mom!
I am reading. I am catching up. I seem to be following a lot of blogs these days of people who haven't blogged in over a year. So my catching up is going faster than I thought it would.
So what's new? Well, today is an in-between-day. It's between two days that mean something on my personal calendar. Yesterday - 8th anniversary of my mom's passing. Tomorrow - my 4th wedding anniversary.
I told my husband this morning it was the last day of his third year. He pouted.
It's pretty odd. We are no longer newlyweds. But we also haven't been married long enough to really be able to claim we are pro's. Of course, we think we are. We are blessedly happy in our marriage and that is translating into two blessedly happy baby boys! But when you tell people you've been married four years, they scoff as if you still know nothing about marriage. And they might be right.
On the other hand, they might not. We have sure had our trials in our four years. Things most people never deal with and things I won't disclose here. Of course, there's the things I do talk about - our miscarriage, for example. Every trial that has come our way has only made us stronger. And some people never face any of these trials in their lifetimes, let alone in their first four years of marriage.
But that isn't what this is about. Like I said, today is an in-between-day. Which means I have nothing.
Can you believe it? I'm here to blog about nothing. Been a long time since you've seen one of these from me, eh?
As I get myself caught up on my readings, I will start leaving comments again and get myself back to being involved. I am super curious about who's out there now and where this community has meandered to. I would say of the blogs that I was following actively this time last year that at least 2/3 are no longer active. Yet the blogging community for weightloss and banded folks seems to be alive and well, so I assume this means I have a lot of new people to meet. I'm sure I'll find them, but I want to catch up on my current list first.
I hope everyone is having a fabulous wednesday! I am. Wanna know why? My hubby and I were woken this morning to a baby laughing through the monitor. He would goo and/or ga then just giggle for a solid minute. It was delightful to listen to. It was Baby B doing all the giggling and he did this for a good ten minutes before I got up and went and got him. He always wakes up happy - but he was just thrilled with the day this morning. These things are contagious! I love my babies and I can only hope that when they grow into my little boys that they will be as delightful as the babies they currently are. I am one lucky mom!
Monday, May 7, 2012
05/07/2012: I bet you thought I was gone
Did you think you'd hear from me today? Did you think you'd hear from me ever again? Do you even think of me anymore? :)
Yes, I'm still here. And now, (and I mean this 100%) I'm back. I really am. I promise. Wanna know where I've been? It's been crazy. I don't blame you if you don't believe it...but it's all true.
So when I last blogged...I was a few weeks from going back to work. I was whining about extra skin and not having our gym set up. I was procrastinating on working out because of stupid crap. And then life blew up.
Starts with good news, though. In the middle of February we made a trip to California so my grandmother could meet the boys. We flew out and then drove back. The boys did remarkably well with both flying and 3 days of 8 hours in the car. What's awesome about that trip was that my family gave us my aunt's Toyota Sequoia. She passed away last Sept and they thought of selling it but decided ultimately to give it to us since our family has doubled recently and will hopefully grow again, soon. We were in the market for a new vehicle as our vehicle situation, pre-pregnancy, was a coupe and a truck. The coupe, a Honda Accord, is roomy, and the truck, an F-150 is an super-cab. When we got pregnant we never expected twins - and a new car wasn't in the budget. We figured with the accord we could put the carseat in the middle. And same in the truck. Well, when we learned it was twins, turns out we can't get two carseats in the back, not while they are rear-facing. And with the truck, it works, but because it's a supercab and not a supercrew, it means I HAVE to sit in the back. Which wasn't a problem - I love sitting with them. But it would be nice if that was a choice. The Sequoia saves us from the car payment we really don't want and gives us more room to grow. I tease my sweet hubby all the time that I want another set of twins - and I'm only partially joking. But the Sequoia will go along with whatever - from a singleton to triplets!
So we had that fun trip! We got home and I had one week left off before going back to work...
That week came and went with no problems.
Then Sunday. February 26th. We woke up at 5am with the babies. Fed them. We all went back to sleep. We woke up at 9am with the babies. Fred got up and I simply couldn't. I was in severe pain. Lower right abdomen. I tried and tried and tried to will it away. Took some tylenol. Took some motrin. Nothing helped.
About 5 hours later Fred took me to the ER. We sat there for hours. A CT scan was done. An ultrasound was done. Our fear was actually an ectopic pregnancy. Secondary fear was appendicitis. CT results finally came back at 1am. We'd been there since 2pm on Sunday. It was either "eppiploidal appendigitis", diverticulitis, or colitis. I was given pain meds, an antibiotic, and a steroid and was told to go see a GI the "next day". That was supposed to be my first day back to work.
So I called in sick and scheduled with the GI through my family practice. When I saw him, I have to say he is by the far the weirdest doctor I have ever come across! He started with it wasn't diverticulitis because I'm not old enough. Said there was a very slim outside chance it could be that but wasn't likely. To make sure, we'd have to do a colonoscopy but I'd need to finish the antibiotics first. Said it wasn't colitis. Said who knows about the epiploidal thing. "We'd need to do a...."
And then just walked out.
Five minutes later, walks back in saying "....a colonoscopy." He agreed with the treatment from the ER and gave me another scrip for pain meds as he didn't think they'd given me enough in the ER.
So I went to work the next day as I was supposed to. And I continued to do so. Meanwhile, the boys got sick. And missed a day that week with colds. The next week, they missed Weds with their colds. And Weds was rough. I finished the antibiotics Tues of that week. By Weds night I was back in excruciating pain, worse, actually. We tried to get some sleep through the night with the hopes that would help. But Thurs morning it was no better. So we took the boys to daycare and headed back to the ER.
"Luckily" this time, I walked straight in. The nurse got all my vitals and my story and a doc came in five minutes later. He'd reviewed my previous visit and heard my current woes and said I was being admitted.
I spent five days in the hospital. It was an interesting ordeal, to say the least. There are some wonderfully fantastic docs out there that really want to help. Then there are those that are not and don't want to. I ran into all of the above. I had another CT. I had another ultrasound. I had a colonoscopy. I had copious amounts of blood withdrawn. I was poked and prodded and generally abused. And all of it said I was normal and healthy. My ob/gyn, the one I had such a hard time with while pregnant, ultimately said "we're doing an exploratory laporoscopy". The GI docs were blaming reproductive stuff for my woes. The ob/gyn was blaming the gastro system. Turns out, they were both right.
Monday morning, March 12th, I had that surgery. They went ahead and took out my appendix so that it wouldn't be a problem in the future. I had endometriosis everywhere. I had adhesions from the endometriosis. I had adhesions from the c-section. And finally, I had a fatty tumor constricting my colon.
When the pathology report came back, turned out I did have appendicitis.
So this whole ordeal got me off work for about a month. We took the boys out of daycare after my first week off, the week in which I had the most recovery from surgery. And we all thought we were moving forward.
Yeah, thought.
That wasn't all...
I went back to work on April 9th. But by then, we knew another problem had popped up. Around about March 28th, I was back in crazy pain. I had some crazy weird symptoms happening, too (orange stool, for example). I couldn't eat a bite and drinking water was likely to make me sick. That weekend, unfortunately, was Fred's grandmother's funeral, so I didn't feel like going to the ER was supportive of him. And he's been a Godsend for me through this. He is an amazing advocate! When the wacky docs want to get wacky he's been there to whack them into shape! So I felt like I needed to suck it up and stand by him through that rough weekend.
In the meantime, I'd been talking to my surgeon (not the ob/gyn, but the general surgeon who assisted my ob/gyn earlier) about what was going on. They scheduled an appt for me to come in early the next week so that I could try and avoid the ER. When I talked to him, he suspected the same problem I thought - the gallbladder.
But 2 CT's showed no stones. So this wasn't likely to go anywhere. He ordered a HIDA scan anyway.
When the report from that came back - on April 9th, my second 1st day back to work in about a month and a half, it turned out my gallbladder was over-active. So on April 12th, surgery number two, to take out the gallbladder.
That got me another two weeks off. The boys had not yet gone back to daycare as we knew at the time of the HIDA scan that the result was wacky. We had a friend babysit that one day I did go back to work until I heard from the surgeon what he wanted to do.
When the pathology report came back on the gallbladder, turned out I did have gallstones. My surgeon said he'd never seen gallstones in an over-active gallbladder.
And now, here I am, back at work again. This is week number 2. I was here all five days last week. But sadly - back in pain.
I came back to work April 30th. April 29th, about mid-day while Fred and I were eating lunch...sudden crazy intense pain. I called my ob/gyn Monday (4/30) morning. I finally realized - this crazy pain always kicks in right when I ovulate. It's not ovulation pain. And it's not even the female organs that are causing the problem, the problems have all been GI things. It's just that ovulating, the switch from estrogen to progesterone, is causing me problems.
After my first surgery, at the follow-up with my ob/gyn, he told me "you probably have a lot of pain in your future, you're going to want to hurry up and get pregnant and finish having kids so you can have a hysterectomy". I figured he was talking about painful cramps - which I've always had. The general surgeon I worked with basically said the same thing. The thinking is I have endometriosis in all kinds of crazy places and to really get it all, they will have to shut down baby-making abilities. We aren't done having kids, so that isn't an option for us.
Seeing the ob/gyn last week, he reiterated that again. Said it wasn't a bad idea to work with a GI through this, but the GI isn't likely to find anything more. I did see a GI last week, too - not the same wacky one, but one that was on-call when I was admitted in March. I really like him and he's been easy to talk to! The GI had the same stance as the ob/gyn. They could pursue test after test and poking and prodding practices with me and find problems. But at the core of it all is endometriosis in weird places.
I've probably always had it. But the twin pregnancy allowed it to get into nooks and crannies that it doesn't normally get into. Like up around my stomach, like in kinks where the colon turns and descends. He thought more surgery is needed to find it and get it - but more surgery will just create more adhesions, which are probably also a problem for me.
I saw him Weds last week and he called in a couple prescriptions for me. When I picked them up I realized he was treating IBS. I have IBS as much as the next guy. He kept harping that I need more fiber. So when I realized what he was saying without saying it, I got irritated and called for another appt to see him again - also last week, on Friday. I can't eat/ingest anymore fiber than I already get. My diet is not my problem.
But he appeased me. He said IBS is when you have unexplainable symptoms and problems that manifests in certain ways. He said I have all those same symptoms and problems - but mine are explainable and so are not IBS. At the point that I have the hysterectomy, my GI problems will likely resolve - so long as my ob/gyn truly gets all the endometriosis. That's what my GI thinks. He is afraid something might be wrong with the band, which might be compounding things right now. He said he's seen a lot of cases lately where the bands have gone completely through the stomach wall. So because of that's he's doing an upper GI endoscope which is scheduled for next week. But he had the same thing as my ob/gyn. He doesn't want to pursue tests and poking and prodding. He said, on Friday, I know we'll find stuff. But we might also create stuff by finding stuff. And it's probably all because of the endometriosis. Getting pregnant will give me a break from the endometriosis as at least it won't grow while pregnant.
We had already planned to try in June as we want a March baby. But the thinking was we'd back off if it doesn't happen in June. But everyone who's been involved with me and this ordeal all say "don't back off". My other alternative for a break from this is to get on the pill. But, of course, that doesn't help in getting pregnant.
In the meantime, through the "cold" we thought the boys had, we learned they have allergies. The allergies ultimately did turn into colds for us all. In helping Fred to get past his cold, a lump was found in his thryoid. He had an ultrasound a week or so ago to confirm and it is definitely a mass. So he is having a biopsy next week. Our PCP basically thinks it probably is cancer but that it's not that big of a deal - she said "thyroid cancer is the most curable". As of November last year all his thyroid hormone levels were all normal, but they aren't now. Good news there is this has probably been found very early. However, suffice it to say, this is the year of hell for us, medically speaking.
On the other hand, the boys are doing amazingly well and are so incredibly adorable. We took them swimming for the first time yesterday and they loved it! Kicking back and forth between Fred and I and just chilling in floaty thingies, it was so adorable!
Oh, and since this is a weightloss blog...not much to report there. I am up to 4cc's in my band but have not gone back for what I believe would be the last fill to get me back to optimal. I think there's been too much going on so I've been postponing that appt through this ordeal. Right now I have one scheduled for the end of this month but given that we are basically going to start trying to get pregnant in the next couple of weeks, I think I'll use that appt to get deflated again. My weightloss since last report has been by organ removal! Haha. I guess the good news is I am back below my surgery date weight (lap-band installation, that is). But I am still up from pre-pregnancy. Pain does not lend well to weightlifting and I know that's what I need to move forward. I will say being back at work actually helps to set up the day well for cooking at home. While I was home and recuperating there were far too many take-out dinners. We have a good system, when I'm working, where one of us cooks and the other feeds the kiddos. But being back to cooking at home is definitely helping the scale.
So that's what I know. I am back at work. Which means I have time to read again! I am starting to read already. And I'll continue to do so! I can't even fathom what I've missed...
Yes, I'm still here. And now, (and I mean this 100%) I'm back. I really am. I promise. Wanna know where I've been? It's been crazy. I don't blame you if you don't believe it...but it's all true.
So when I last blogged...I was a few weeks from going back to work. I was whining about extra skin and not having our gym set up. I was procrastinating on working out because of stupid crap. And then life blew up.
Starts with good news, though. In the middle of February we made a trip to California so my grandmother could meet the boys. We flew out and then drove back. The boys did remarkably well with both flying and 3 days of 8 hours in the car. What's awesome about that trip was that my family gave us my aunt's Toyota Sequoia. She passed away last Sept and they thought of selling it but decided ultimately to give it to us since our family has doubled recently and will hopefully grow again, soon. We were in the market for a new vehicle as our vehicle situation, pre-pregnancy, was a coupe and a truck. The coupe, a Honda Accord, is roomy, and the truck, an F-150 is an super-cab. When we got pregnant we never expected twins - and a new car wasn't in the budget. We figured with the accord we could put the carseat in the middle. And same in the truck. Well, when we learned it was twins, turns out we can't get two carseats in the back, not while they are rear-facing. And with the truck, it works, but because it's a supercab and not a supercrew, it means I HAVE to sit in the back. Which wasn't a problem - I love sitting with them. But it would be nice if that was a choice. The Sequoia saves us from the car payment we really don't want and gives us more room to grow. I tease my sweet hubby all the time that I want another set of twins - and I'm only partially joking. But the Sequoia will go along with whatever - from a singleton to triplets!
So we had that fun trip! We got home and I had one week left off before going back to work...
That week came and went with no problems.
Then Sunday. February 26th. We woke up at 5am with the babies. Fed them. We all went back to sleep. We woke up at 9am with the babies. Fred got up and I simply couldn't. I was in severe pain. Lower right abdomen. I tried and tried and tried to will it away. Took some tylenol. Took some motrin. Nothing helped.
About 5 hours later Fred took me to the ER. We sat there for hours. A CT scan was done. An ultrasound was done. Our fear was actually an ectopic pregnancy. Secondary fear was appendicitis. CT results finally came back at 1am. We'd been there since 2pm on Sunday. It was either "eppiploidal appendigitis", diverticulitis, or colitis. I was given pain meds, an antibiotic, and a steroid and was told to go see a GI the "next day". That was supposed to be my first day back to work.
So I called in sick and scheduled with the GI through my family practice. When I saw him, I have to say he is by the far the weirdest doctor I have ever come across! He started with it wasn't diverticulitis because I'm not old enough. Said there was a very slim outside chance it could be that but wasn't likely. To make sure, we'd have to do a colonoscopy but I'd need to finish the antibiotics first. Said it wasn't colitis. Said who knows about the epiploidal thing. "We'd need to do a...."
And then just walked out.
Five minutes later, walks back in saying "....a colonoscopy." He agreed with the treatment from the ER and gave me another scrip for pain meds as he didn't think they'd given me enough in the ER.
So I went to work the next day as I was supposed to. And I continued to do so. Meanwhile, the boys got sick. And missed a day that week with colds. The next week, they missed Weds with their colds. And Weds was rough. I finished the antibiotics Tues of that week. By Weds night I was back in excruciating pain, worse, actually. We tried to get some sleep through the night with the hopes that would help. But Thurs morning it was no better. So we took the boys to daycare and headed back to the ER.
"Luckily" this time, I walked straight in. The nurse got all my vitals and my story and a doc came in five minutes later. He'd reviewed my previous visit and heard my current woes and said I was being admitted.
I spent five days in the hospital. It was an interesting ordeal, to say the least. There are some wonderfully fantastic docs out there that really want to help. Then there are those that are not and don't want to. I ran into all of the above. I had another CT. I had another ultrasound. I had a colonoscopy. I had copious amounts of blood withdrawn. I was poked and prodded and generally abused. And all of it said I was normal and healthy. My ob/gyn, the one I had such a hard time with while pregnant, ultimately said "we're doing an exploratory laporoscopy". The GI docs were blaming reproductive stuff for my woes. The ob/gyn was blaming the gastro system. Turns out, they were both right.
Monday morning, March 12th, I had that surgery. They went ahead and took out my appendix so that it wouldn't be a problem in the future. I had endometriosis everywhere. I had adhesions from the endometriosis. I had adhesions from the c-section. And finally, I had a fatty tumor constricting my colon.
When the pathology report came back, turned out I did have appendicitis.
So this whole ordeal got me off work for about a month. We took the boys out of daycare after my first week off, the week in which I had the most recovery from surgery. And we all thought we were moving forward.
Yeah, thought.
That wasn't all...
I went back to work on April 9th. But by then, we knew another problem had popped up. Around about March 28th, I was back in crazy pain. I had some crazy weird symptoms happening, too (orange stool, for example). I couldn't eat a bite and drinking water was likely to make me sick. That weekend, unfortunately, was Fred's grandmother's funeral, so I didn't feel like going to the ER was supportive of him. And he's been a Godsend for me through this. He is an amazing advocate! When the wacky docs want to get wacky he's been there to whack them into shape! So I felt like I needed to suck it up and stand by him through that rough weekend.
In the meantime, I'd been talking to my surgeon (not the ob/gyn, but the general surgeon who assisted my ob/gyn earlier) about what was going on. They scheduled an appt for me to come in early the next week so that I could try and avoid the ER. When I talked to him, he suspected the same problem I thought - the gallbladder.
But 2 CT's showed no stones. So this wasn't likely to go anywhere. He ordered a HIDA scan anyway.
When the report from that came back - on April 9th, my second 1st day back to work in about a month and a half, it turned out my gallbladder was over-active. So on April 12th, surgery number two, to take out the gallbladder.
That got me another two weeks off. The boys had not yet gone back to daycare as we knew at the time of the HIDA scan that the result was wacky. We had a friend babysit that one day I did go back to work until I heard from the surgeon what he wanted to do.
When the pathology report came back on the gallbladder, turned out I did have gallstones. My surgeon said he'd never seen gallstones in an over-active gallbladder.
And now, here I am, back at work again. This is week number 2. I was here all five days last week. But sadly - back in pain.
I came back to work April 30th. April 29th, about mid-day while Fred and I were eating lunch...sudden crazy intense pain. I called my ob/gyn Monday (4/30) morning. I finally realized - this crazy pain always kicks in right when I ovulate. It's not ovulation pain. And it's not even the female organs that are causing the problem, the problems have all been GI things. It's just that ovulating, the switch from estrogen to progesterone, is causing me problems.
After my first surgery, at the follow-up with my ob/gyn, he told me "you probably have a lot of pain in your future, you're going to want to hurry up and get pregnant and finish having kids so you can have a hysterectomy". I figured he was talking about painful cramps - which I've always had. The general surgeon I worked with basically said the same thing. The thinking is I have endometriosis in all kinds of crazy places and to really get it all, they will have to shut down baby-making abilities. We aren't done having kids, so that isn't an option for us.
Seeing the ob/gyn last week, he reiterated that again. Said it wasn't a bad idea to work with a GI through this, but the GI isn't likely to find anything more. I did see a GI last week, too - not the same wacky one, but one that was on-call when I was admitted in March. I really like him and he's been easy to talk to! The GI had the same stance as the ob/gyn. They could pursue test after test and poking and prodding practices with me and find problems. But at the core of it all is endometriosis in weird places.
I've probably always had it. But the twin pregnancy allowed it to get into nooks and crannies that it doesn't normally get into. Like up around my stomach, like in kinks where the colon turns and descends. He thought more surgery is needed to find it and get it - but more surgery will just create more adhesions, which are probably also a problem for me.
I saw him Weds last week and he called in a couple prescriptions for me. When I picked them up I realized he was treating IBS. I have IBS as much as the next guy. He kept harping that I need more fiber. So when I realized what he was saying without saying it, I got irritated and called for another appt to see him again - also last week, on Friday. I can't eat/ingest anymore fiber than I already get. My diet is not my problem.
But he appeased me. He said IBS is when you have unexplainable symptoms and problems that manifests in certain ways. He said I have all those same symptoms and problems - but mine are explainable and so are not IBS. At the point that I have the hysterectomy, my GI problems will likely resolve - so long as my ob/gyn truly gets all the endometriosis. That's what my GI thinks. He is afraid something might be wrong with the band, which might be compounding things right now. He said he's seen a lot of cases lately where the bands have gone completely through the stomach wall. So because of that's he's doing an upper GI endoscope which is scheduled for next week. But he had the same thing as my ob/gyn. He doesn't want to pursue tests and poking and prodding. He said, on Friday, I know we'll find stuff. But we might also create stuff by finding stuff. And it's probably all because of the endometriosis. Getting pregnant will give me a break from the endometriosis as at least it won't grow while pregnant.
We had already planned to try in June as we want a March baby. But the thinking was we'd back off if it doesn't happen in June. But everyone who's been involved with me and this ordeal all say "don't back off". My other alternative for a break from this is to get on the pill. But, of course, that doesn't help in getting pregnant.
In the meantime, through the "cold" we thought the boys had, we learned they have allergies. The allergies ultimately did turn into colds for us all. In helping Fred to get past his cold, a lump was found in his thryoid. He had an ultrasound a week or so ago to confirm and it is definitely a mass. So he is having a biopsy next week. Our PCP basically thinks it probably is cancer but that it's not that big of a deal - she said "thyroid cancer is the most curable". As of November last year all his thyroid hormone levels were all normal, but they aren't now. Good news there is this has probably been found very early. However, suffice it to say, this is the year of hell for us, medically speaking.
On the other hand, the boys are doing amazingly well and are so incredibly adorable. We took them swimming for the first time yesterday and they loved it! Kicking back and forth between Fred and I and just chilling in floaty thingies, it was so adorable!
Oh, and since this is a weightloss blog...not much to report there. I am up to 4cc's in my band but have not gone back for what I believe would be the last fill to get me back to optimal. I think there's been too much going on so I've been postponing that appt through this ordeal. Right now I have one scheduled for the end of this month but given that we are basically going to start trying to get pregnant in the next couple of weeks, I think I'll use that appt to get deflated again. My weightloss since last report has been by organ removal! Haha. I guess the good news is I am back below my surgery date weight (lap-band installation, that is). But I am still up from pre-pregnancy. Pain does not lend well to weightlifting and I know that's what I need to move forward. I will say being back at work actually helps to set up the day well for cooking at home. While I was home and recuperating there were far too many take-out dinners. We have a good system, when I'm working, where one of us cooks and the other feeds the kiddos. But being back to cooking at home is definitely helping the scale.
So that's what I know. I am back at work. Which means I have time to read again! I am starting to read already. And I'll continue to do so! I can't even fathom what I've missed...
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