BYOC

1. What’s your favorite smell?

Fresh cut grass.  Right after a rainstorm.  My husband.  Give me all three together and I'd be orgasmic.

2. What is your all-time favorite movie and why?

Blackhawk Down.  Because it catches the camaraderie that exists in the military - something very hard to explain to people who've never been in the military.  I love the last 15 minutes or so of that movie, specifically.  I would have done anything and everything for anyone on my ship - even my most disliked shipmates.

3. What’s your trigger food?

hmmm.  Cheetos are bad for me.  But it depends on what we are triggering here.  Are we triggering giving up on a diet/exercise regime because of frustration.  Then McDonald's.  Are we triggering migraines?  Food doesn't do it for me.  Are we triggering something good (a special night with my hubby)?  Then chocolate covered strawberries and wine.  We can trigger good things, too, ya know.  :)

4. When someone you love is going through a difficult time – what are your go-to words to make them feel better – in just a sentence or two?

Go to words.  I have found that it's unique to each person and situation.  But in my mind, I can calm myself down to just listen and be a friend by telling myself "everything happens for a reason".  I'm a firm believer in Karma - what goes around comes around, too.  Every bad thing that has ever happened in my life has led to wonderful things if I would just stop and pay attention to what matters.  Sometimes people are receptive to hearing things like "everything happens for a reason" but sometimes that just makes it worse.

5. This one is always the same. Who is your nominee for the blog of the week for YOU? Which blog OR comment touched your heart, spoke to you, stuck with you all week?

I actually wrote it down this week.  I've read a lot of blogs this week, not just blogs written this week.  And there are 4 blogs that really spoke to me that I read this week.  Two from Amy W. "The Amy From Before" and "Deep Thoughts and Ham Wallets".  *Kristen's Lapband Journey* "Looking Back Looking Forward" was another great one, to me.  And finally.  Big Girl in a Big World, my journey as a bandster's blog about the "Finger Monkey" was just awesome to me on many levels.

04/30/10: On with it

I feel like a new page is turned.  The healing seems to be...umm..well..I'm gonna say I'm happy with it cause it just plain feels done.  Pain has been non-existent for over a week now, swelling is gone, bruising is gone.  It's been surprising.  I mean, not even a twang, really, in the belly area, at all.  Nothing to tell me something just happened other than a slight redness at each incision site.  Not an infection type of redness.  That redness you get - maybe pinkness - when two pieces of skin were split apart from each other and are figuring out how to rejoin.  It's all closed up and looks good.  But they still look like "new" scars. 

Anywho.  I am ramping up the walking this week.  I'll continue with the walking next week.  And hopefully the folllowing week I'll be cleared for my weightlifting.  I WANT MY WEIGHTS!

I set in my mind, just yesterday, in fact, that I wanted to walk 8 miles this week.  I did 1 on Weds and 3 last night.  1 on Weds at about 15 mins.  Last night, 3 miles in 40 mins, which works out to about a 13.3 min-mile.  A pretty good pace.  I had more speed to tap into, too.  But I was happy with where I was.  Best yet...I barely broke a sweat. 

'Member that gorgeous weather I was loving on yesterday?  Well.  It's gone.  Instead we have a southerly breeze blowing in moisture from the gulf.  It's supposed to rain today and all weekend - and this all moved in yesterday afternoon.  It was 86% humidity last night as I was walking my 3 miles.  And I think that humidity is what made me break a sweat.  But it wasn't sweating like I've nearly always done as a large gal.  It was a light glistening.

hehehe...will I ever be just a "glistener?"  I truly was just glistening last night...but I've always been a sweater.  Not a cardigan or a pullover.  I drop drop dropping sweater.

So today I'm gonna make my In-Laws get out and walk with me and I'm assuming I'll get in 1.  Well.  I'll demand we do 1.  :)  I may be able to get more.  But I am counting today for 1 and then 3 again on Sunday after the In-Laws leave.

Next week (my weeks are Mon-Sun.) I'm shooting for 14 miles.  I could average 2/day but I don't think that will happen.  Instead I think I'll do nothing, 1 or 3 across the week, maybe even 4.  :)  I hope the weather behaves next week...but the In-Laws are coming to take away our old mattresses (we are giving the set to them) and so with that, I'll get my treadmill back.  Our treadmill is just a little buried right now...

In final news, it's decided, I am going with a GoWear Fit.  It is now purchased and on it's way.  We found the best price through drugstore.com and there was even a coupon with it.  I am not getting the display at the moment.  I'm on the fence about wanting it/needing it.  I know me, I'll go crazy as I sit here at work wondering what it's telling me.  But then again, if I have it, I might go crazy looking at it all the time, too.  So I figure, since the display costs what it costs and there wasn't a cost-savings benefit in buying it with the actual GoWear Fit, that I'll see how it goes and if I need/want to add it later, I can.

Now for the not-band news but still so very wonderful to me news.  My MIL and her hubby are coming to visit this weekend.  It will be great to have some time with them!  She hasn't seen me since I've dropped the last 20 pounds so I'm curious to see what she says/does.  I know that a lot of people see nothing for the first 30-40 pounds, so no worries, I won't be surprised or sad if she doesn't see any difference.  But my clothes are falling off me, too...so it's hard not to notice a little something, I think. 

Yeah.  My pants are falling off me.  It's kinda nice.

We are talking about going to see Keels and Wheels this weekend.  It's an antique car and boat show at a local yacht club.  I haven't been for years and it's pretty awesome - gorgeous boats and amazing cars.  But I love cars and boats...so...  We are hoping that they will want to go.  On the other hand, it's shaping up to be crappy weather this weekend and this is an outdoor thing.  So we'll see.  We'll talk about it tonight.

I ended up not going to use the gift card(s) last night.  I decided I needed my husband's eye.  I just am not one of those people that likes to shop by myself.  So I declared to him last night, via text message, as he watched his baseball game, that he will go with me on Sunday afternoon.  And in his true fashion, he just said "ok".  He's such a wonderful man!  I'm so lucky to have him in my life!

And that's all I've got.  I hope y'all have a wonderful weekend.  I'll be quiet for a few days...don't see reading or writing this weekend.  I'll catch up on Monday.

04/29/10: Not What I Expected

Are you experiencing deja vu yet?

I never expected my little ol' blog about what I never expected to elicit such a response.  Good heavens alive!  I was sooo not expecting that.

Love it!

Meanwhile...here it is, 2:12 pm as I type, eating my first food for the day.  Just not hungry and the smoothie was..umm...not..."proper" today (love you, Husband!).  So I opted against it since I'm never hungry before 11am anyway and I just didn't feel like drinking something...not..."proper"...just for the sake of drinking something.  And figured without my smoothie I'd be hungry around 11, as usual...but here it is...2:15, now, and I was finally hungry...until I took about three bites...of chicken salad...then I was full.

Insane.  I have it sitting in front of me...hoping I'll get more in. 

Not complaining.  Not at all.  Not griping, and not bragging either.  Just surprised.  Very pleasantly.
So...in other news...hmmm.  It's gorgeous outside!  I have no work to do at work.  I have a class next week so I won't get any work until I get back.  So it's hard to be at work with nothing to do when it's so very gorgeous outside!

What else.  All bruising in ma bell-eh is gone!  I can't see any remnants of swelling anymore either. 

What else.  I'm tired of chicken salad.  At least the stuff we have.  It was soo good for awhile and now I want to make my own.  I can't wait for this stuff to be gone.

Should I buy a Bodybugg or a Gowear Fit?  Or should I buy a heart rate monitor?  They make one for swimming now.  So I could get that one and then a regular one, too, for everytime else - or maybe even a Gowear - I think I like that one better than the Bodybugg.  I think they would just be cool gadgets to have and might help me break plateaus when they do happen.  But I don't know that they are necessary.  What do you guys think?  I don't think they are necessary, I think, ultimately, using an online thing like Fitday (what I use) can tell me what's what...but I'm on the fence.  I mean...I want the gadget...I think...so what do you all think about the things...and what do you use, if you do?...and do you recommend anything or nothing or what you have?  If you recommend what you have, then what do you have?

What else.

I feel like me again.  No more insurance crap.  No more will I get banded/won't I get banded.  No more when-if-when.  No more waiting.  It's on with it. 

See...I'm kind of a nut.  Just ask my husband.  He'll tell you.  He says I made him a nut.  I think he just made me nuttier.  He's a nut, too.  He knows it, it's ok.  So together, we're nuts.  Well. My nutty self wasn't coming through in my blog cause I was so will I/won't I?  When?  But now...well...I DID!  And it was on 4/12/10 at 7:30am (at least I was taken into the OR around 7:20 and since I fell asleep, I don't really know when, so I'm presuming somewhere around 7:30 was when it started) .  But I tell you what.  I feel like me again.  The me that is, not that me that is chasing something.  So nutty!  But you know what I'm talking about...that whole stress thing...it's gone...I'm no longer stressed about the band...and it's nice.

Can I please eat some food!??!

Now what do I do?  Not enough protein...worrisome...I can drink water...I can eat...it does go down...not running into problems there...just don't want it...but that means...not enough protein...or calories...but protein is the bother.  I got plenty of stored calories.  I need the protein...don't want to lose muscle...want to gain muscle...and so I need protein.  It's like a drug.  I need it.  The rest of it...I got.  Calories galore.  Still plenty to pick and choose from.

Maybe I'll go shopping tonight.  I got a few gift cards, one of which might be expiring soon....and Husband is going to a baseball game with his buddy-ol'-pal...so I gots an evening to myself.  What do you do with such things?  I don't remember.  I want to walk.  Miles.  2, maybe 3.  I walked 1 last night.  It was nice, although chilly.  How is it chilly...in HOUSTON....in APRIL?  We should be getting humid already...and we aren't.  We are still in the 50's and even 40's at night.  Insane.  Like my eating...or my lack thereof...

This is probably enough nothing for the day.  Hope you're having a good Thursday!!!

Added at 3:35pm: Awww...someone just walked by my little cubby-hole and said "you are looking really good!"  I beamed AND blushed and I couldn't make the beaming smile go away.  And then she knew she did good.  AWWW!

04/28/10: Not what I expected

I feel like I'm taunting bandster hell to come and get me but I gotta blog this anyway.  I so totally did not expect any sort of restriction at this stage.

I thought I'd have surgery and get a little fill and that little fill, whatever it worked out to, would be enough to make a change but not enough to make a change.

I expected to still be able to eat.  Reasonably.  But eat.  I thought, if I put 4oz on my plate, I'll eat those 4oz and want more.  I thought, honestly, I'd be shooting for 6oz on my plate and I might be sated early on but towards the end of my month 1, it wouldn't work so well.  And I thought that towards the end of month one, I'd want 8oz.

I don't know that I had specific numbers tied to anything.  But I know that I expected the 4oz I knew I was to shoot for would probably not be enough.

I can't finish 4oz!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's insane!!!!!!!!!!

And it seems to be a 'you get 8-10oz for the day' thing, not 4oz per meal. 

So smoothie in the morning.  It's a slider.  It'll get in there although it does give a full feeling, to me, and keeps me satisfied for 4-5 hours.

Lunch = 4oz chicken or turkey salad.  Mon, for example, I could barely eat 1.5oz.  Yesterday, I wanted all 4.

Dinner = I'm actually putting 5oz on my plate.  Monday, when I barely touched lunch, I had 3oz pork, 1oz macaroni & cheese and 1oz broccoli.  I ate it all.  But I'd barely touched lunch.  And that was only 5oz and I was stuffed.  Not expecting that cause I was expecting bandster hell to be set in by now, right?  Then we have last night.  I served 3oz of chicken, 1oz of rice and 1oz of broccoli.  But I did eat my lunch.  I ate 1.5oz of chicken, 1 bite of the rice and .5oz of broccol.  I weighed what was left on my plate when I was stuffed and there was still 2.5oz there.  I ate 2.5oz for dinner and I was stuffed.

Again, worried about calories and protein, I turned to my Greek Yogurt - a slider - to get some protein in, later in the evening.

Yesterday ended up at 970 calories.  I am actually shooting for 1200...but I just can't seem to get there.  I so totally did not expect that!  Not now, anyway!

And then, it turns out, my hubby has been making the smoothies recently and I thought he was putting in two scoops of protein which would mean 52g of protein for the whole thing, aside from what we get from the Greek yogurt.  He gets 2/3 of what we make and I get 1/3.  Putting my recipe in sparkpeople, I should be getting 21g of protein with my smoothie.  But he was only putting in 1 scoop which means I've been way under on the protein.  So today we put the extra protein in.  And I was stuffed far quicker than I have been.  I have settled on 6oz of my smoothie and since I can drink it slow...it works.  I want the protein.  I'll take the rest of the good stuff that's in there, too.

This is really odd to me.  I mean, somehow, in reading all the blogs, I just expected bandster hell to start up pretty fast and play tricks on me.  Now, true, I can eat most anything I want.  My only no-no I've found so far is ribeye steak - but I have never eaten a solid diet of that, anyway.  So this is actually, truly nice to me.  I can eat anything I want, I am, this week anyway, choosing good things cooked healthily and I am just flat-out barely eating any of it.  I expected this time to be I can eat anything I want and I can eat a lot of it, too - maybe less than before, but still more than someone with true restriction.

And I have to admit this is what I want.  I don't want to get to the point where I am never hungry or where I am so restricted I have few options or where I have to drink to get protein (although somehow, I'm there).  I don't want to lose options.  I want to keep my options but have hunger at bay.  Surely this will fade and I'll see why I need another fill.  But so long as I'm like this, eating 3-4oz at a meal and feeling stuffed on that - and not having hunger return for 4-5 hours...I want to stay like this.

I have two weeks exactly until my first fill.  I will be so very curious to see what unfolds over the next two weeks.  I am losing.  I am settling on a Sunday weigh-in day and so won't update on what I've lost for the week until I weigh-in and take my measurements.  But every day this week, the scale has fallen.

And water.  Man.  Water is HARD!  I now have a rule that I have to drink one of my magic water bottles before I can have lunch.  Another through the afternoon.  Finish a third before I can have dinner.  But my desire for water is just not there.  And it's not that I want a soda or anything with sugar and/or calories or just anything else.  I just don't want it.  And that's bad!  So I'm doing this 'make myself drink by not letting myself have food until X happens' thing to try and get the water.  At least my water needs are falling, too.  :)  But I'm not getting what I need, that much I know.

On the other hand, I know that my bodily functions have swung way past normal again back to gushing.  So maybe I don't need the water.  :)

Kidding.  I know...I know...I need the water.

In other news...I finally felt like I was up to poking around the belly yesterday to actually feel the port for the first time.  I don't know what I was so scared of, I have been completely pain free since end of last week, only wanting Tylenol after working outside all day on Saturday.  So I felt around and felt it.  It's in there.  :)  Now I know exactly where it is.  I was taking a bath at the time of this exploration so I called my sweet hubby and he comes in. I grab his hand and put it there and he pokes around and pulls his hand back real quick while running out of the bathroom going "ewww....weird".  It was pretty cute.  But it's in there!  I was happy!

I knew it was in there.  Had no doubts.  I leaned forward Mon evening to open the gas tank and it got stuck on my ribs and kind of grinded around to get away from them.  So that wasn't so pleasant...and now that I know it does that, I can lean forward differently.

And that's what I know.  Hope y'all are having a good day!

A new blogger

Hey y'all.  I met Terri last night and she's just starting out.  She's posted her very first blog in the last 12 hours and has all of three followers as I type this.  Check her out and let's give her a big ol' welcome hug!

Her blog is In the beginning

And another call  out to any and all followers - if you don't think I'm following you, let me know who you are and give me a link to your blog, please.  I will do this periodically, but I really want to get to know anyone who is getting to know me.  :)

04/27/10: Calling all followers

If you follow me but don't think that I follow you, will you let me know who you are and give me a link to your blog? 

I want to make sure I'm following everyone that is following me.  And this seems like the easiest way of finding out, especially if you've never commented for me.  Don't worry - I'm not asking you to become a commenter.  :)

04/27/10: Is this normal?

I am two weeks out from surgery.  I started with 1cc fill.  I would presume the swelling is less today than it was the day off surgery so I would suspect that 1cc is doing less work today than it was two weeks ago.  So how is it...that I am eating less food as time goes on?

This is insane.  I would think that 4oz would get harder and harder to satisfy me.  Instead, I'm finding that, like yesterday, I can barely even eat 2oz for lunch.  2oz.  Of food.  Altogether.  That's it.  And I was stuffed.  Put the fork down, can't eat another bite, will be in pain if I do, stuffed.  HOW?  Is this normal?

It's insane!

I'll take it.  But is this the band?  Is it hormones?  Is it my brain?  It's insane, whatever it is!

You know what I think one aspect of it might be?  I've really worked on the water for the last two days - last two being Sunday and then Monday.  And with my hydration levels returning to normal...my appetite is decreasing.  But is water really enough to make 2oz filling?  Crazy talk, I tell ya, crazy talk!

Here is what the band looked like about 40 minutes or so after surgery.  I am absolutely going crazy wanting to know what it looks like right now.  I believe that when they do the fills...they will start with an image and see where I am...and then fill accordingly to get me back to this.  You can see from this image that my surgeon was telling no lies when he said all he could give me was 1cc.  I could not imagine have 3cc's to start with if this is what I looked like, then, with 1cc.  I love this image.  I was not sure I cared to post this cause I did not think it really mattered.  But moreso than the images I posted imediately after surgery with the actual band around my actual stomach - this image really is stuck in my mind.  Anyway.  I believe that's how fills will work because that's what my nurse practitioner told me.  But who knows; I'll find out in a couple weeks.  I hope I can get copies of the before and after photos at the time of the fill - how awesome would that be for a scrapbook?

I'm a nut.  You're surprised?  We know this.  It isn't likely to change or even get better. 

Dinner proved to be just as interesting as lunch.  I ate about 4oz's total.  I also have been having a little cup of Horizon Organic Vanilla cream yogurt late in the evening with a bit of granola sprinkled in.  About 2oz of yogurt and 1oz of granola.  I actually had to make myself eat this because I was worried about the calorie count...but even more importantly, the protein count.  Because of my choices for the day and the amounts I was eating, I only got 44g of protein.  Not bad...but not great.  Not bad if you are going by the standard - get 60g a day.  Not good if you are doing what I am doing - calculating personal needs based on weight.  Currently - I need 85g.  So about half...not great at all. 

But surprisingly, even with only ~900 calories for the day - my energy was crazy high.  My husband could not get me to sit down!  It was kind of bizarre.  It was refreshing!!  It felt like me.  Up until around about the last year, or so, last year being last year - 2009 (as you know), I always had crazy high energy.  Run circles around my friends type energy.  The only place I typically ran into similar energy levels was with my family.  My almost 85 year old grandmother runs circles around a lot of 40 year olds.  I miss my energy.  I am loving that it's coming back already.  I know this isn't probably the time when it will set in and last - I know I'm still healing.  But to have a glimpse of it is just nice.  And I know that when I lose more weight, the energy will return for good.  And that will be nice!!!

So, one would expect, after eating only ~900 calories and running in circles last night that the scale might respond.  It did.  Down 2.5 from yesterday.  I think a downhill slide is on.  Don't know how long it will last - but I think it's on.  I do know that I'm in that part of my cycle where I don't eat much.  And I think coupling that time of my cycle with the band with how I'm feeling...it's just working out to a good place.  I know the water intake is helping.  I know the body functions are just about normal.  Not quite ready to declare it...but I know it's improving ten-fold.  I know that healing is being done and things are getting going.  And it all just feels good!  And I will take it for however long it lasts.  And I will hope and pray that I am cleared for weightlifting when I have my appt on May 12th!

Have a great day, y'all!

04/26/10: Odd sorts!!!

Woohoo!

NSV's!  My firsts!  And one is scale related but it's a so-not scale victory!  It's odd!

First.  A shirt I got from Kinzie about a month ago...I'm wearing it right now.  It's the pink one.  It was snug around the hips when I posted the photo of me in it.  IT'S SO NOT NOW!!!!  Woohoo!!!!!

Second.  And this one happened first so I shoulda said it first but I'm a nut like that.  I got on the scale yesterday.  I think I have a weird take on the scale.  And since you know me and all - I can't just get right to the point, I gotta give the background and the buildup before I tell you the good news.

I have a spreadsheet - I shared it previously and will again when it has more to tell.  In my spreadsheet I am tracking my weight, chest, waist, hips, thighs, calves, biceps and forearms.  I have my little columns with my little mathematical cells telling me how many inches lost altogether and then in this week, as well as weight lost altogether.  And there are conditional formatting rules applied so that when certain magic numbers are reach, the cell highlights with my fave color.  In case I forget, ya know.  :)

So the scale.  I weigh myself every day.  And I do so for comedy.  It's hilarious to me, really.  I can not eat anything at all for an entire day and I'll gain 2 pounds.  Next day, I'll eat an entire cow and I'll lose 6 pounds.  What do you do with news like that besides laugh?  So I laugh!  It does tell me, in general, that on my being good days, I was good and on my being bad days, I was bad.  It does give me feedback that I have learned to decipher through the comedy.  I honestly don't get down on myself when the scale goes up a pound or two because I have learned through the years with scales some of the why's and I can generally pinpoint what I did or did not do - like TOM issues vs. bad eating days.

Anywho.  It's comedy.  I weigh everyday.  I love a good morning laugh!  And it appears I am developing a weigh-in day - which appears to be Sundays.  And that is developing because Sundays are the days that I take my measurements.  Every week.  Week in week out.  Through the insurance requirements when not much was happening it was more of a monthly thing but since starting the pre-op diet and forward to now, it's been a weekly thing.

So now the measurements are getting interesting, too.  Like put a smile on my face kind of interesting!

And so here's the NSV related to a scale...

I got on the scale on Sunday...first thing in the morning...for my daily comedy routine...and it was down 1 pound for the week but up two since the previous Sunday.  So I will record it as up two.  I gained two pounds for the week.  Not bad considering I am eating normally and all that...I expected a more than 2 pound gain, really.

And then I take all my measurements.  In the week when I gained two pounds - I lost four inches!!!!

And even more significantly, while I lost a half inch around the waist - significance there - the previous Sunday, I was up a half inch, presumed sweeling, from the Sunday before.  So I lost what I consider the half inche from swelling - not to say the swelling is gone...

But other than that, the inches came off the hips, thighs and biceps!  Areas not related to surgery!  Real loss type areas.

In other news...we worked outside almost all weekend.  We cleaned the teak furniture and got it all re-oiled.  It looks absolutely gorgeous when it's clean and freshly oiled!  I did very little moving and predominantly sat on my duff just rubbing on the oil.  By very little moving, I mean when I was working on a chair, I would move it around to get to the bottom and the sides.  But I was sliding it on grass...

When we were done Saturday night, we jumped in the pool, quickly, as it's still chilly at 80 degrees.  Who am I? that I'm calling 80 degree water chilly.  I'm from California, where at the height of summer in late August pool water is barely 80!  Now, it's APRIL and the water is 80 on it's way up to 92 friggin degrees and I'm calling 80 chilly!  What happened to me?

But not being able to tolerate 80 for very long, and knowing that, we started the hot tub heating and crawled into that when it got to 92.  Vegged and felt great for awhile.  Then grilled shrimps and potatoes and pearl onions and cooked some jalapeno poppers in the oven.  Our poppers - best you'll ever have.  Got the recipe from a neighbor.  Get a jalapeno, cut the top off, slice the pepper in half.  We clean the bejesus out of them - all seeds, all membrane - so they are not even remotely spicy.  The filling is one thing of cream cheese, 1 thing of Jimmy Dean Maple sausage and one small can of mild green chilis.  Mix that all together and stuff the jalapeno.  Then, if that's not enough, wrap in a half a slice of bacon and stick a toothpick in.  Cook in the oven at 375 for about 35-40 minutes - until bacon is cooked to your liking, basically.

We had a friend over helping us with all the work we did on the furniture.  He asked for these - and because of his work, we couldn't say no.  They are so good and such a treat...but they are quite a bit of work to make because of the cleaning involved.  If you make these - WEAR GLOVES!!!  We wear two on each hand of a disposable nitrile glove.

After dinner was cooked, eaten and cleaned, we sat down on the couch and watched "The Informant".  Good movie.  Funny.  Whacky.  Twisted!

Sunday, we did the second coat of teak oil on the furniture.  Looks soooo good!  Got the yard cleaned up and everything put back in it's rightful place.  I went to a support group meeting of people in my area that have found each other through LBT.  It was a great meeting that lasted a lot longer than I had anticipated.  Four really amazing women with great stories and great success!  1 lady - 1 year and 1 month out - has lost 130 pounds and is 13 pounds from goal weight.  Is working right now for insurance approval for a tummy tuck.  2 ladies - 9 months out - 1 has lost 94 pounds, 1 has lost 62 pounds.  Had surgery within two days of each other with the same surgeon and have been friends through this entire process.  And finally, 1 lady - 6 months out - has lost 65 pounds.  Great women, great stories - and I learned a lot from them yesterday!  The hostess made it fun and she cooked two of her favorite high protein meals - meatballs (she adds extra protein to these) and a feta and artichoke crustless quiche; unfortunately, I didn't try either of these as I was not hungry at all.  She also bought a sampling of protein bars so that we could try a bite and see what we liked before we waisted money on bars we might not like; in this case, I tried one, but I just don't see myself getting into protein bars for a variety of reasons.  We also tried a protein smoothie which I didn't care for, two people were "eh" about it, and one person liked.  The fifth didn't try it.  It was a good meeting and I'm happy to know these ladies!  And the house where we met - a whopping 2.4 miles from me!  Who can say no to that?

Then I ran home and we went out to dinner with our friend/neighbor and her daughter.  Had a fantabulous dinner and time and it was nice to catch up.  We always have shared a Sunday meal with this friend/neighbor and with all the pre-op and then even post-op stuff, we haven't had dinner together for months.  It will be nice to get this going again!  In the past, I cooked Sunday dinner and then she would reciprocate with a Thurs dinner.  I want evenings at home during the week so that workouts/swims can happen so I don't know that we'll go back to Thurs dinners...but it would be nice to get Sunday going again and maybe we can alternate or something.

And that was my weekend.  A fantabulous weekend in which only 2 Tylenol were taken (Sat evening after all that work and heat).

And the last thing I'll say - I know my goal for this week is to get water water water.  I have not been getting nearly enough water since surgery and I suspect it's actually the core reason for some of how I'm still feeling.  I am definitely getting back to normal - 1-2 BM's every day since Thurs...so things are moving again - woohoo.  But I know that I need water water water.  So we'll see how this week goes!

Have a great week, y'all!

04/24/10: What a Difference

What a differenca a day makes!  What a difference a blog makes!!  What a difference a supportive husband who reads my blog makes!!!  What a difference all my blogger friends make!!!

I wrote yesterday's blog because it was what I was thinking and feeling.  And I'm glad I did.  I would have kept going with thinking and feeling like that but because I put it out there, I have a new perspective and I have support for that perspective.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!

This blog just amazes me.  Say your happy and everyone cheers you on.  Say your sad and everyone cries with you.  Say your a failure and everyone disagrees until the end of the moon with you.  Say you are frustrated and everyone feels your pain.  There is just no way out of it - this is so surprisingly a base aspect of my support system and I love you all!

So...

I am not a failure.  Thank you.

First thing that happens is I get a call from my sweet hubby!  That's him right there with me kissing him.  It's one of my favorite wedding photos as it is his true smile - something he rarely gives to the camera.  And to think he's giving his true happy-as-happy-can-be because I'm kissing him, just makes my heart melt everytime I see it.  I get that smile a lot...but the camera doesn't.  :)

Anywho.  He calls me.  And he says "I didn't know you were feeling that way".  See.  There I go with that "toughness" again.  This from the man that once told his mom, off the cuff, that he wished I didn't talk so much - this was after I said I wished he talked more, sometimes.  I thought that was hilarious.  I still, to this day, give him a hard time about that.  I chatter incessantly.  And I always will.  My mom created that in me.  We used to chatter at each other like there was no tomorrow.  Now I chatter at my husband.  But even amidst all that chatter, and he couldn't believe this, but now knows this to be true, I keep what's at heart all to myself.  And once I've processed something, then and only then, will I chatter away about it.  Like I said, he didn't know that about me at the time, just knew that I chattered.  Now he knows that I do this.  When he made that comment I think we'd been together all of about 6 months...and while we are still learning each other now - always will be - there were a lot of things like that we just didn't know about each other quite yet.

Anywho.  Funny story aside...back to the issue at hand. 

So I said yes.  That yes, it is just bugging me that while I have two sets of instructions (and I also know which set I am supposed to be following), one of which says I should still be on liquids, the other of which says I should be on mushies.  In no way shape or form am I on liquids and I'm only quasi on mushies.  Breakfast and lunch - yes, mushy.  Dinner.  Not so much.  And if I can't follow the post-op instructions, am I really onboard with this band?

He says...hold on.  Stop this now.  And I think about this time there were one or two comments on my blog and so I hadn't really gotten a sense of what y'all were going to tell me - i.e. I'm a failure or, no, chill out, chica, relax.  And I think the overall sense from the blog is chill out, relax.  I think the overall sense is that if I don't question this, then there is a problem.  If I don't do something about this, then there is a problem.

And he says that I am testing things - that's what I do.  He says I am taking it slow slow slow and chewing chewing chewing and trying not to add problems to this.  He says I haven't had any issues and if I had/do, then I will take note and change gears instantly.  He knows this about me, he says.  He says, most importantly to both of us, that I was on the pre-op so long that I feel the need to take control back and I'm trying to be smart about it and take it slow.  He said a lot of things and I had some realizations and it was maybe about a five minute conversation as he had to get back to work.  But it totally changed my thinking.

Here is this man, observing me, watching me, seeing what I am doing day in/day out and who knows what I am supposed to be doing and he's saying, you're being way too hard on yourself, as usual.

So I decided I needed to do some research.  I poured over the internet to find the reason "why" behind this post-op diet.  Is it to ease your stomach back to eating?  Is it to control how you go forth with the band?  Is it a combo of both?

I found some pretty preposterous post-op diets.  Some go as far as 12 weeks!!!!  Liquids for four, mushies for six and then add one solid food item a day until you are eating predominantly solids.  HOLY COW!!!

But in the midst of finding some fairly laughable diets, I discovered that the main reason behind this diet is to protect you.  And the average seems to be 4 weeks - 1 week liquids, 1 week mushies, 1 week mushies/pureed and the 4th week, start adding solid foods in slowly.

And here's why.  It has nothing to do with protecting stitches or allowing the port to heal, from what I found.  Everytime you eat a new food, you don't know how your stomach will tolerate it.  Your stomach is mad, at first, afterall.  And if you can't tolerate the new food - say chicken nuggets - then you will throw it up.  In the first four weeks, throwing up can cause slippage.  Overeating can cause slippage.  So until you know how your band will behave, take it easy and don't push it.

Hmmm.  Except there's me.  Always pushing it.  I mean ALWAYS.  Rules?  What for?  Why?  How do they apply and who do they protect? 

Ok.  So I've researched this.  And then I start to think about me and my case and my situation.  1) I have not thrown up.  I don't want to but I generally have an iron clad stomach.  It's my palette I gotta get past.  2) I am taking it very slow and easy.  I took my first bite of bread, for example, on Thursday night.  It was toasted.  That was why I was willing.  Lightly toasted, but toasted.  I took a very small bite and I chewed and chewed and chewed and chewed.  And then I chewed some more, because I was scared.  And then I chewed some more on top of that until it was liquid.  And when I had no other choice, I finally swallowed.  And I held on for my life because I didn't know what would happen.  And I felt it hit, mid-chest and sit there.  And I almost cried...and then it went down.  I actually heard it hit my stomach and my stomach went "grow-grrrr-garl".  And it was down.  Hmmm...not so bad.  I took another very small bite and I chewed and chewed and chewed and chewed.  And then I chewed some more...but I wasn't so scared this time and I wanted to see what happened if it was mush, not liquid.  And I swallowed.  And it hit.  And it sat there.  And then I felt it go through.  Hmmm...at this level of "non-restriction" bread is still getting through.  So then I dipped it in the olive oil because I figured that might actually help a smidge, too.  Not because it was oil but because of that whole sauce factor.  I would also add that for some reason, this restaurant that toasted this bread was also using stone ground wheat. 

So that was how I discovered bread was ok.  I've done that with every new thing I've tried.  And there was something I tried, last night in fact, that didn't go down well.  And I didn't eat anymore after that first bite.  We went out to dinner again and my husband ordered a steak - a ribeye.  I tried a bite of it - because I wanted to see.  And I ate something more dime sized than nickel sized.  And I chewed and chewed and chewed.  And it went down.  And it sat there.  And it sat there.  And it sat there.  And I thought "well crap".  And then it went down - painfully.  Very very painfully.  So that was it.  Steak is out.  On the same token, we had little tenderloin medallions topped with goat cheese and crab meat for an appetizer.  And the tenderloin was not an issue at all.  So I can eat my filets but not ribeye's.  Ok.  I seem to not be going after steak much anymore, anyway.  I honestly did not want a steak last night, at a steakhouse, where my husband and two friends ordered steak.  I wanted the salmon.  And I got the salmon.  A first for me.  I ate it.  I took it slow.  I chewed the hell out of it.  I ate about 1/3 of what was on my plate and stopped when I was full.

So that's the other thing.  I think.  I'm taking it slow.  I'm testing it.  I'm seeing how the test works before I go on.  I'm making a decision, appropriately, after I see (or feel) the results.  And I'm stopping eating when I'm full.

I have two modes right now.  Breakfast and lunch.  Literally, we are getting the scale out and weighing it.  I have been playing with how much smoothie I get.  A smoothie would be a slider so I know I can do more than I even need to.  So we are weighing it and going lower and lower so that I can see how long the smoothie holds me over.  I want to not get hungry for lunch until around noon.  So how little smoothie works to do that?  I know 12oz made me hungry at noon.   I know 8oz made me hungry at noon.  I believe 6oz was what I had yesterday and I was hungry at noon.  I am doing 6oz for sure for sure today.  I will do 4oz tomorrow.  I think, even if 4oz works, I'm still going to stick with 6oz.  Honestly.  Because this isn't exactly high calorie and it is high protein, plus a lot of nutrients.

And lunch, measure out 4oz of whatever.  Chicken salad, turkey salad, whatever.  Snack.  Measure out 3oz of whatever - and may or may not eat it.

I will be happy when the snack goes away.  I wasn't a snacker, usually, before the band.  I know the snack is because lunch isn't enough.  I know I'm getting away with the smoothie being less because I hate breakfast like I do.  The smoothie is the only thing I've ever found that works before 11am.  If I can eat breakfast at 11am, then I'm all for it, but if I eat real food before 11, I will be sick all day.  No lies, I promise.  But the smoothie...it does not make me sick.  I can put whatever fruit I want in it and I'll be fine.  Add honey, though - and I get sick.  Or sugar.

Anywho.  So breakfast and lunch and snack - get weighed.

And dinner is my other approach.  I am looking at food and thinking, well if this much lunch weighed this many ounces, then on this plate, I should be able to eat this amount here.

In two cases I was able to bring leftovers home and weigh them. The leftovers were half of what I had been served - I ate the other half.  When I weighed the half I brought home - it was 4oz one time and 5oz the other.

I take my bites, testing it.  When the results are ok. I eat.  Slowly.  Chewing the hell out of it.  And when my stomach says done, the fork is down.  It's been a pleasure, really, to have this be happening.  I'd go to Hooter's pre-band and order 10 wings (as that's the lowest amount you can order).  And I'd eat them all.  Now, this week, I went to Hooter's and it was because they have a Weds night special - 10 boneless wings with a half order of french fries for $5.99.  I say half-order of fries but I don't think it was even a half.  It was more like a third.  If you've been there and you've ordered their fries and they come in that little bowl.  Think that bowl and then think maybe a handful from that.  I used to eat a whole order of those fries.  What I had Weds was more than enough.  Anywho.  I had these boneless wings in front of me and I ate one.  In pieces, of course.  And when I got to wing number 5, I was done.  My husband got to his wing number 8 and he was done - not like him, either.  But he's copying me and it is equating to less food for him, too.

So we bring 7 wings home.  I weigh them.  5oz. 

So yes, bad choice.  But my problem with Hooter's on Weds has nothing to do with "hooter's is a bad choice".  My problem is that I shouldn't even be eating solid foods this week and even though I am, I chose Hooter's?  It's that it was solid food, not a good healthy solid food, but it was a solid food when I'm not supposed to be anywhere near solid foods.

I will eat at Hooter's again.  I will not make this a diet of deprivation.  If I eat at Hooter's for 12 out of 1,095 meals, then great.  That means it's just over 1% of my annual meals.  And honestly, I don't think 12 will happen.  If I counted up all the Hooter's visits I had last year it would probably be in the ballpark of 8.  I'm fine with Hooter's on occasion.  I am fine with anything on occasion - this will not be a diet of deprivation.

This will be a diet of wise choices most of the time. 

My issue is not making a wise choice right now, when it just kind of feels like I should be.

But I'm over it.  Because I am taking it slow and testing the waters and no matter what, we all have to do that at some point.  I now know that I am supposed to be easing onto solids so that I do not throw up.  I do feel, even though it's too soon - that I am being easy about it.  And I am adjusting according to how it feels.

But I took my research a step further.  If it was just plain laparascopic surgery, what would the diet be?  12 hours of liquids and then ease back onto foods.  What if it was stomach surgery for cancer?  I mean, they are taking a piece of the stomach out - or maybe even the whole stomach.  3-4 days of clear liquids and as you feel up to it, try solid foods.  Understand that you need to take it easy and that you may throw up because your stomach is mad.

Now this isn't cancer and I didn't have a piece of my stomach removed.  I am soooo not trying to make light of cancer, let alone cancer of the stomach.  I am saying what happens if you, to me, take the worst case scenario of what might be done to the stomach, what would that diet be?  And that diet is understandable.  You want your stomach to wake up from the anesthesia before you start packing food into it.  But...the body is a pretty remarkable thing.  It adapts surprisingly well to a lot of things.

So I think about this.  Knowing that I am just not supposed to be throwing up.  At 4 weeks, are you any less likely to throw up?  Is damage from throwing up going to be any lighter or easier on the band?

So now I've come full circle and I think a little of this is about control.  And that explains why my quack surgeon's diet is so much crazier (to me) than my bariatric center's diet.  My surgeon wants to control me throughout the life of this band.  He gave me instructions that say a few things I am allowed and whole list of everything I cannot possibly even remotely touch.  My bariatric center's instructions said "here's some ideas".

So I'm glad that my surgeon sent me to this bariatric center.  After my follow-up with him on May 12th, I'll go back to my nurse practitioner I like so much.  I can see telling her ALL of what I've done so far.  Every last bit of it.  I can see her reprimanding me for it and I can see us both laughing, too.  I cannot and won't tell my surgeon any of this.  He will lecture me and berate me and tell me I don't get it.  In fact, I think HE doesn't get it.  If I were still going through his private clinic, I don't know that I'd have the options I feel I have.  If I were still going through his private clinic, I think I might end up being a failure.  So I'm glad his nurse practitioner sent me to this national conglomerate of a place where I'm just a number on a page.  Because at the end of the day, I'm more of a person there than I am with that private office. 

Sorry for being so long windered today.  But I worked through a lot in the last 24 hours and I don't want to forget any of it!

04/23/10: hmmm

A couple things today.

1. I drank 4oz of my smoothie this morning and I was stuffed.  I mean, like, I could not take another sip or even remotely try to finish it.  I had to give the rest to my hubby so that it wouldn't get wasted.  I love my smoothie!  That made me sad!
2. I think I'm failing this band miserably already.
3. I've been plugged up since Monday, when I was gushing, and I think if I could get moving again, I will probably lose a lot of weight.
4. I think I'm a failure.
5. I'm beating myself up because I'm eating food - when I'm still supposed to be on liquids.  I'm beating myself up because I didn't do very well on the pre-op diet - when I knew it was temporary.  I'm beating myself up because from where I sit, it appears I'm not really committed to this - and how can I not be committed after going as far as having surgery?
6. I ate bread last night.  Dipped in olive oil.  It was good.  I regret it.
7. I really have no idea what I'm doing and I'm sorry for making it seem like I do.
8. I'm scared.
9. I need help.

So item 1.  That trips me out!  Yesterday I backed down to 8oz (from 12oz on weds) and I wanted to see how long it held me over.  Weds, 12oz, ate lunch at noon.  Yesterday, 8oz, ate lunch at noon.  Now I'm saying to myself that since I have no restriction right now, shouldn't, I was just banded, right?, well, then I can eat when I'm hungry - but I'm trying to keep it to 4oz.  So 8oz did the same as 12oz.  I wanted to back down to 6oz today - but it doesn't matter.  I couldn't finish 8oz.  I just couldn't do it.  I was stuffed!  I think I gave 2oz to my hubby so in effect, I think I did get 6oz - certainly didn't get 8oz - but I don't know precisely what I got.  We'll see when I want lunch today.  Yesterday I also didn't have two afternoon snacks, I only had one.  I upped the cottage cheese from 2oz to 3oz.  And that did the trick.  I had it around 3 and then dinner and dinner held me over until around 9 when I just wanted something.  I ate one of those snack sized puddings and called it done.

Item 2.  Ties to 4 and 5 and 6 and 7 and 8 and 9.  So let me talk about 3 first and I'll come back to it.

Item 3.  I was gushing at the end of last week and on Saturday I got tired of it and took an Immodium.  Sunday I was gushing again.  Monday I was still gushing but came up with I'd rather gush than be plugged.  So I didn't take any more Immodium.  But since Monday, now nothing has happened - seriously plugged.  And now I'm scared to take a laxative cause I don't want to start the gushing again.  And how funny would that be if I took the laxative then immediately had to take the Immodium to stop it again.  My sweet hubby put a lot of fiber in the smoothie this morning and I haven't taken any Lortab for a few days now...so I'm hoping today is the magic day and things get moving again.  I want to try and be natural about it but if things don't get moving again, will probably take a laxative tonight.

So.  Items 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9.  Sigh.  I suck.  Don't tell me I don't, it's what I feel at the moment, it's real to me, and I'll get over it when I'm ready.  (Please tell me I don't...but don't preach...I just want some hand holding right now.)  :)

I am disappointed in myself.  Was my inability to follow the pre-op diet a result of ptsd being aggravated by no carbs?  Was it because I had no date and I was trying to reign in control?  Or was I just stupid?

I think I was stupid.

I think that because here I am, one and a half weeks post-op and I can't follow the post-op instructions.  I could be screwing up this band and causing problems for myself because I can't follow these instructions but it doesn't seem to matter to me.  Right here, right now is what matters to me.  And right here, right now, at dinnertime I just don't seem to care.

How honest do you want me to be with you?  Totally completely honest?  Or just honest enough so that you don't have to start judging me?  I'm going with total and complete for the sake of accountability and respect - for you. 

Wednesday night for dinner...my sweet hubby wanted to go to Hooter's.  So we did.  There.  I said it.  In the week when I should either be on mushies or liquids - but definitely not real solid food - not only did I eat real solid food - but I ate Hooter's.  Fried chicken and french fries.  I had the boneless chicken wings and turns out, what I thought was 6oz was actually only 5oz.  Not bad...except it was fried.  No escaping that one.  And what I called "steamed veggies" yesterday were actually french fries.  Steamed - because french fries...we saw a show on how they are cooked...and that's what happens to 'em interally...and veggies...cause potatoes are a vegetable, they say.  I didn't eat very many, but I ate them just the same.  Calorie count was low for that meal because it was a small meal.  I really did look up the calories yesterday and what I reported was accurate.  But there was fat in there that I just didn't need.  And why was I doing that, anyway?  One week and two days after surgery...there I am...

It's insane.  That meal keeps playing over and over in my head and I just can't justify it in any way shape or form.  Don't get me wrong, I will eat Hooter's again.  I love Hooter's.  But I didn't need to be eating it this week.  I truly just needed to wait until I am healed and normal.  And I'm not.  It's coming.  But I'm not there yet.

What if I'm hurting My Lady by eating like this?  What if I am actually causing damage?  There is a reason why they want us to ease onto food.  I don't know what it is but I sure am presuming quite a lot by eating normally so quickly.  And why can't I just be patient and calm and know that this will all be behind me soon and that for safety's sake, I just need to be patient and calm.  Why can't I do that?

Why couldn't I do the pre-op diet?  Who cared if I did or did not have a date.  If I was committed to this process, it shouldn't have mattered.  If I was committed to this process, I should have been saying, who cares, I'm losing weight - and that's what matters.  It won't be forever.  It wouldn't have been.  It would have been over sooner or later.  So what that I didn't know when.  I did know it would end.  And look how it played out!  Because I was doing that diet, quasi, anyway, I was able to get on the schedule a mere 4 days after getting approval.  That ended up being so bittersweet in my pea brain because I sucked.  I wasn't proud of myself.  I did enough.  I started with the intention of wanting to do more and all I did was enough.

I am not an enough kind of person.  I like to be what I am as best as I can be.  And here I am.  Failing.  Already.  Miserably.  Enough that I am keeping myself awake at night.

But no...lack of sleep...thinking this through over and over...even that's not enough to make me start eating according to instructions.  Last night again.  There I am.  Eating bread!  Dipped in olive oil, of all things.  That's healthy!!!

And I ate a salad.  Drowned in olive oil.  And I ate the worst chicken I have ever had in my life.  I honestly don't think it was 4 oz but it might have been close.  I do know it was horrible and we won't eat at that restaurant again.  We ended up at that restaurant because I did not plan meals at all this week and, just like every other night this week, we'd either have to stop at the grocery store to get something to cook or we could just eat out.  I suspect we'll eat out again tonight - but going forward from Sat on, we have a new rule I asked for.  We can only eat out once a week.  Another rule implemented (discussed before but now truly implemented) is that we can only eat at Hooter's once a month.  And if we choose to do so, it's the eat out for the week, too.

Why am I doing this?  Am I proving that I am in control?  Cause really, am I?  Am I proving that I know best?  Cause really, do I?  Am I proving that I got this?  Cause really, do I?  Do I think I somehow am healing miraculously fast?  What's my first clue?  The pain around the port?  The inability to sit up straight for hours at a time?  The inability to lift weights or exercise as I'd like to?  The inability to sleep comfortably in my favorite positions?

So why am I pushing it?

And why do I ask myself these questions now after being banded?

I'm so stupid!  And I'm failing miserably.  I need to turn this around.  I'm scared.  Will I be a failure at this?  Am I even serious about this?  Can I even comprehend what I've done?

BYOC

1. Name a career you would NOT want to do and tell why.


A career in nursing.  I do not have it in me to put everyone ahead of myself.  I will do that when I have kids, I do that with my husband (which is easy since he also does this with me) - but I cannot do that at work.  My mom was a nurse for most of my adolescent years becoming a nurse practitioner when I went to college/joined the Navy.  I thought for a long time I wanted to follow in her footsteps and she didn't want me to.  For a lot of reasons, but not for the reason I listed above.  Turns out, she was right.  I would not have been good at it.


2. What’s the best present you ever received for your birthday?

I share my birthday with my grandmother.  I was born on her 50th birthday.  I can't think of a thing that was awesome and sticks with me to this day, but all the birthdays I've shared with her have been on the amazing day list.  My favorite way to spend my birthday is with her, sharing hopes and dreams, listening to stories and just chattering at each other as we do.  And this year she turns 85 - so there's a big bash planned!  I can't wait!

3. This is from Amy W. (I had a request to copy her question and ask it today in BYOC) (Hope that’s okay Amy!)

What do you hide behind?

This might sound counter-intuitive, but work with me here.  I hide behind being tough.  I make you think I can handle it and I'm on it but secretly I'm scared and I want you to hold my hand and love me and tell me it will be alright.  I make you think I am just fine but inside I am really not and I want you to reach out to me and help me.

I guess the nice thing about hiding behind toughness is that, generally speaking, I do get through it and I generally don't have to "bother" my friends, family and loved ones.

But the bad thing about hiding behind toughness it that I feel alone, I feel ostracized quite easily, I feel like there isn't much caring for Lori taking place. 

Funny thing is...majorly going out on a limb here...because it gives away my fake toughness - I see it happening with this blog.  I don't think I convey at all that I need you guys immensely. 

And that conveys exactly what I'm talking about.  I hide behind toughness so that when you all show you don't care, then I don't care either - I didn't put myself out there.  But if I put myself out there (saying I need you) and you still show you don't care (not reading/commenting), then now I'm struggling and hurt.  So I don't put myself out there like I want to and I act like all is well and you think I don't need you and...see how this perpetual circle works? 

Disclaimer here - this is just an example of what I do.  No one in blogworld is or has hurt me.

4. Where were you born?

California

5. A little twist on this one..usually we ask – what blog spoke to you the most, stuck with you, had the most effect on you this week? This week I’m adding to that which comment may have affected you greatly? Sometimes a blog can lead to amazing comments and they deserve their own claim to fame here in this question.

This one is tough.  I'm reading everything from last week and everything from this week and I'm still catching up.  In general, since I'm catching up, I'm not reading the comments.  And I'm not caught up, so it's not fair.  :)  Some people will be left out just because I haven't caught up yet!!!

So what spoke to me the most...Amandakiska's blog about finding peace and Chele's blog about being mad at her dad and wanting to help him.

I need to start writing down what blogs speak to me and when - and comments, too.  I struggle with this one everytime because EVERYONE'S blog speaks to me...or I wouldn't read it.  :)  Sometimes the light and fluffy are just what I need!

04/22/10: Progress

So I was particularly interested in seeing how long food would hold me over yesterday.  I am still particularly interested in that and will be watching things today as well.  But I was shocked.  Absolutely shocked!

Breakfast - 12oz of my smoothie (Greek yogurt, protein powder, 6oz water, 8oz frozen strawberries and bananas and 1 fresh banana) = held me over for 4 hours. (230 calories, 33g protein)

Lunch - 4oz turkey salad with cranberries = held me over for 3 hours (183 calories, 15g protein)

Afternoon snack - 2oz cottage cheese = held me over for 1.5 hours (50 calories, 8g protein)

Afternoon snack - 4oz apple sauce = held me over until dinner or about an hour (50 calories, no protein)

Dinner - 6oz chicken tenders in ranch dip and 4oz steamed veggies = held me over the entire evening  (307 calories, 40g protein)

That's 820 calories for the day and 96g of protein for the day.

For comparison, for breakfast, I used to have the same smoothie but easily twice as much.  For lunch, I would eat lunch at the same time I had my first afternoon snack yesterday and it would be a half turkey sandwich with muenster on wheat bread and I would have ~6oz of cottage cheese with that, too.  I do not normally eat two afternoon snacks, though, and don't like this trend but think it will stop as my body calms down.  And dinner, I would eat more chicken tenders and have another side with that as well.  Another side being a carb/starch thing.

Today will be relatively similar to yesterday although I am backing down on the smoothie.  I am trying 8oz today and I want to see how long it holds me over.  I want to find my sweet spot, if you will, for just enough smoothie to last me the morning.  I do also drink coffee in the morning and I know that changes my appetite as well.

As you can see, yesterday was predominantly mushy foods except for dinner.  My chicken tenders were not mushies.  I did chew chew chew and I did feel each bite sitting there before it went down.  It was not the most pleasant experience.  I'm probably pushing it by eating so normally....but that's me. 

I am down 1.5 pounds this morning, so that was exciting.  I'd love to see the scale get back to what it was telling me on Saturday.  But I'm not actively trying to lose weight right now, I am actively trying to feel better.

And today, I definitely feel better.  I feel better than I have so far.  Yesterday I managed to make it through the work day alright but I know that the last half hour to forty five minutes were brutal.  I was ready to go!  But I didn't want to drive so my sweet hubby came to me.  And because of that, I was here for the whole day.

I slept better last night than I have since surgery, too.  I was able to sleep on any and all sides and to tuck my knee up to my chin, as I like to do, as well.

Last little tidbit on my progress - I have yet to take any Tylenol today.  I have it and will take it if there starts to be a twinge of need...basically, I won't wait until it's too late.  But I'm enjoying "cleaning out".  My liver is tired of all the Tylenol.  I know that because it told me.  :)

Yes, I'm nuts.  Thanks for noticing.

In other news, we've  (yes, WE) had a change in plans for the Chicago trip.

Original plan was for me to fly up on Friday and spend the weekend in Chicago returning home on Sunday, pretty late in the evening.  After a few things I read yesterday I decided I needed to fly out on Thursday after work and have all day in Chicago on Friday.  I love that you can change flights so easily with Southwest!  So I changed the ticket.

On the way home last night, my sweet hubby and I started talking.

Yes, that's the first "uh-oh".  :)

We are two professional schemers.  Nothing good comes from us "talking".  :)

Ok, it's not that bad...hehehe.

So I threw a statement out there that he should fly up with me and go to his mom's house and then come get me on Sunday.  Or...we could stay in a room Thursday night and then his mom could get him on Friday and I'd switch over to the roomie room on Friday once the sweet hubby cleared out.  Or...his idea, his mom could get him Thurs night and I could get a rental car to drive up to his mom's on Sunday after our conference is over.

So where's this all come from?  His mom lives in Austin, afterall, eh?  Yeah.  His mom and step-dad bought a house in Wisconsin last year and spend the "summer" up there where it's cooler and way more beautiful.  "Summer" to them is March through November.  I think they're nuts.  This year it's turning into May through November, though - and that seems way more reasonable.  Anywho.  Last year we were supposed to go up there to see their place and wander the area with them over Labor Day weekend.  But two days before departure my boss decided I couldn't have the approved vacation time afterall.  Rather than risk losing my job, we canceled the trip.  So this year, we really need to get up there.  There is way more vacation time on the books so we thought we'd take a whole week this time.

We were planning to go up the last days of Aug-first days of Sept getting back to Texas over Labor Day weekend.  But while I was out last week, my boss, not knowing my plans as I hadn't asked for the time off yet, rescheduled one of my courses.  And that course now falls over those days.  So then we thought, well, I'll go to the course and we'll head up to WI over Labor Day weekend - move the trip back by a week.

But that would be quick turn around for a drive to WI...then drive home...then fly to Chicago.

So why not make the WI trip be the Chicago trip?  My sweetheart gets some time with his mom while I'm with all y'all.  And the airfare is just amazingly super cheap right now.  So even with me spending money that weekend, I think this trip will actually cost us far less by combining them.

So we bought a ticket for my sweet hubby.  We will get in on Thurs.  We may stay at the hotel together that night or he may go straight to his mom's.  His mom is about 3 hours from Chicago, she says.  We get in late, though, after 9pm, so I think, realistically, we'll stay there in Chicago Thurs night.  His mom will get him on Friday and I'll join up with the conference.  And then either he will come get me Sunday night...or...if anyone lives in Wisconsin and can get me to someplace where they can get me....  Hmmm...see...my little scheming brain?  Even if someone got me to Kenosha, for example, and my sweet hubby and in-laws could get me from there...just sayin.  :)

So I'm feelin all charged up and all ready to go.  I really feel better than I have since surgery.  Now, I know that even though I feel like I'm ready to get out there and walk 5 miles...that I shouldn't.  That I'm probably still pretty close to the edge of being knocked back down if I over-do it.  So I'm not going to walk 5.  Just 2.  And we'll see how it goes.

Kidding!

I'm just gonna take it easy.  And hopefully it just gets better from here!  Next week...now next week I'll start hittin those miles!  :)

Have a great day, y'all!

04/21/10: Back to work...again

Howdy y'all.  It's Wednesday.  I'm ready for the weekend.  :)

I ended up going home right after lunchtime on Monday.  I ended up calling in sick on Tuesday.  I feel all kinds of better today but still not great.

I think sitting up on Monday - and even leaning forward at my desk as I am prone to do - caused problems.  I think that on top of my rather normal weekend left me in a bad situation.  Monday afternoon it started to feel like I was losing the battle but I thought if I went home I'd get it under control and be fine for Tues.  Wrong.  When I woke up Tues, I was even worse off than on Mon.  So what did I do yesterday?  I layed in bed all day.  I took a shower mid-morning but other than that, I layed in bed.

I had a boob job when I was in the Navy.  Funny story that I am not going to talk about here.  What I will say is following that surgery I was told to take two weeks off.  And I did.  When a Navy doc says something, you do it.

I thought, when I read that people usually took a week with this surgery, that this surgery must be "easier" than a boob job if you only need a week.

I don't think that now.  In fact, I think, if you are being wise and PRO-active, then you will take TWO weeks off with this surgery.  There is no need to rush it, I don't think, and in fact, if you do, you are more likely to end up hurting and with a slower recovery.

My boob job was "easier" because I only had one breast augmented and to make it look more natural, since I still have one natural boob, the implant was placed on top of the muscle.  If it had been under the muscle, it would have been sewn in and it would appear perkier.  But under the muscle is a much harder surgery to recover from.

The lap-band surgery goes into muscle, too.  And dangit if it aint the port that's causing about 99% if my pain/discomfort.  Yeah, the remainder (all 1%) is just the incisions and the fact that they itch like crazy right now.  I'm not complaining about that, though, that's GOOD!  I know I want the dermabond off.  I know I believe that my whole belly will feel a little better when the dermabond is gone. 

I was told that Vaseline helps to loosen the dermabond bond and that I should start applying Vaseline after about a week.  So Sunday night I did just that.  Put some Vaseline on and went to bed.   Same with Monday and Tuesday.  And it feels/appears that nothing is loosening.  When I googled that earlier it says I have to rub the Vaseline in.  I will try that tonight.

So I wish I'd taken two weeks.  If I'd been more aware I would have just done short-term disability and I'd be paying attention to me this week, too.  But, for some odd reason, there seems to be a push to appear normal quickly after this surgery.  I read all over the place about people that think a week is fine.  Maybe for some it is.  I think for most, it's not.  Yes, after a week I do feel better.  But I do not feel normal.  I do not have normal energy levels and I am still in pain and uncomfortable.  Generally speaking, Tylenol is dealing with my pain and I am taking the Lortab at night.  But, generally speaking, I am still worried about getting up and down, still not able to get up and down as easily as I'd like to.  I want to be taking naps and just generally be letting my body do what it needs to do.  I don't think my boss would have been surprised by two weeks, in fact, I think it would have been fine.  Yes, this week at home would have been a lot different than last week.  Last week I was sleeping all the time and generally could not get comfortable.  Now, I can get comfortable-ish and I don't need or want nearly as much sleep.  But no matter how you put it, I am still not normal this week.  And I know that car rides are brutal.  Everything is bouncing and jiggling and moving around and the pain levels get kicked up a few notches after a car ride.  For me, I have an hour and a half in the car in the morning and again in the afternoon to get to work and those car rides are leaving me exhausted.

Anyway, there's my rant for the day.  If you can take more than a week off, do so.  I think two weeks would be just right, based on a desk job.  If you are thinking a desk job is easy, you just go and sit, let me just say, even sitting is uncomfortable.  For one hour here or there, not so big a deal.  But to be in the same position for more than an hour at a time makes things hurt. 

Not much else going on with me.  I gained back 3 pounds of the 31 lost so I'm no longer sitting at my 25% lost.  That's ok.  For the past two days I've held steady at my current weight of 236 so I think switching back to mostly normal-to-mushy food has balanced out and I think I'll hold steady now until loss really starts.  I know that last week I had "restriction" mostly due to swelling and now I think I am not swollen at all.  :)  I was burping every time I took a sip of something and I could feel things going down very slowly.   Now, no burping and while I still feel things going down, it's not nearly as slowly as it was.  I believe that's to be expected, given that there is no real restriction with the band right now.  I know I can eat whatever I want and I am using will-power to not.  I am trying to stick with mushies, predominantly and, for the most part, it's working.  What isn't mushy I chew the hell out of, I can say that much.  I know that I am looking forward to my first fill on May 12th because I want to see how it compares.

And that first fill also scares the bejesus out of me.  It will be the one and only appt I have with my surgeon and I think he'll know I didn't follow his post-op diet as I don't expect I'll lose much of anything in the next few weeks.  I can't weightlift yet, not that I want to at the moment anyway.  So I don't think there will be any loss - although if I followed his post-op diet, I think there would be.  There's part of me that's tempted to switch back to his diet as I don't want to explain to him why I disagree.  And I know me.  If he asks why no weightloss, I will say "because I think your diet is bunk".  If he doesn't ask, I won't say a word.  And so I'd rather he not ask.  And I suspect the only way to get him to not ask is to lose "a normal amount" over the next few weeks.

Although I also know this time is about healing, not losing.  Which is why I want to do what I am doing, which is follow the bariatric center's instructions.

And then part of me thinks, too...Hey, I'm banded now.  :)  It's not about how fast I can lose.  It's about making wise choices most of the time.  And following the bariatric center's instructions is that.  Wise choices most of the time.  And I'd love to see this play out!  I mean...I am not centered on weightloss right now, I'm centered on healing.  But I do know I am eating less.  I am even already playing with times.  I eat 4oz at a time.  How long does 4oz hold me over?  Last Friday, I couldn't even finish 4oz.  And it satisfied me just fine.  Friday, 3oz total for dinner at 8pm and I didn't eat anything again until Sat morning around noon.  Yesterday, 4oz at lunch lasted two hours before I was hungry again...given that I'm not even remotely restricted, which I don't think I should be at this stage, now the trick is finding the amount that holds me over best.  I want to eat 3 meals a day.  I drank 12oz of my smoothie this morning followed by my first cup of coffee since banded.  When will I eat lunch?  I am not interested in it, yet.  I won't eat it until I am interested.  Lunch will be 4oz of chicken salad - at least it can be.  Will I eat it all?  How long will it last? 

No, I don't think I'll switch back to my surgeon's instructions.  I think I'll keep going with my bariatric center's instructions and see how this goes.  To me, part of making this work will be to develop a routine and being back at work will be much more conducive to that.

And no matter how you cut it, something is different.  I could not eat 4oz of food prior to Monday April 12th and be even remotely satisfied.  So something must be going on inside the belly...  :)

Sorry this is so long today - especially since it says nothing.  Just thinking through my fingertips!!!

And now it's time to get reading.  Will I, (can I?) get caught up on all the wonderful blogs I've missed in the past week and a half?  I'm sure gonna try!!!

04/19/10: Back to work

It's back to work day and I can say I whole-heartedly "don wanna!"

I have some secrets to share.  I'm eating food.  It all tends toward mushy stuff - mashed taters and chicken salad.  But I was supposed to do one week clear liquids, one week full liquids, one week mushies, then ease back onto real food.

I was given two sets of instructions.  One that my bariatric center endorses and one that my surgeon endorses.  My surgeon's instructions were the whole week of clear liquids.  My bariatric center says one week liquids, one week mushies, one week solids. 

I like my bariatric center's instructions. 

Last week, mon-weds I'd say I did do the clear liquids.  I don't remember much about what I did but I do know that if I wanted apple sauce, I ate apple sauce.  I also remember that I wasn't really hungry and I wasn't force-feeding myself anything.  I was supposed to have my protein shakes on tues and they just sounded horrid.  So I didn't have them.  I know, bad bad bad.  Spank me!  :P  I didn't have anything in their place, either.  I didn't have anything.

Except for maybe apple sauce.  I know apple sauce was my savior last week!

Thurs I think I started to get interested in food but for the life of me, I can't tell you what I had.

But Friday.  Friday I know.  I had mashed taters and I had chicken salad and I had cottage cheese.  Not all at the same time.  But it all tasted fantastic and made me feel better, too.

Saturday I know I overdid it.  I won't tell you what I had.  I just know I overdid it.

Sunday I reigned myself back in and ate reasonable mushie stuff.

Today is being reigned in even more and is even more reasonable and mushy.

So with that said...I went from nothing...to mushy...to maybe too solid/too normal....back to mushy...back to mushier.  And I've had diarrhea like you wouldn't believe.

Please don't tell me liquid in equals liquid out.  What you should gather from the above explanations is it hasn't been "liquid in".

I have no idea where it's coming from.  I took some immodium on Saturday and it helped with the rest of Saturday but yesterday, sure as can be, it all came gushing out again.  Same today.  And I'm scared to take the immodium, to be honest.  If this is supposed to be happening I don't want to plug it up, ya know?  And honestly, I might actually be willing to say I'd rather this than the alternative as being plugged up sounds way more horrible to me than this.

It's weird.

In other news - I bought myself a plane ticket to Chicago last night!  I am sooo super excited!  There is only one problem with this weekend, from where I sit - and that is that it's way too far away!  But September certainly gives plenty of time for planning and organizing so it is what it is.  I can't wait!!!

And finally, today is back to work day.  I honestly don't see pulling off 8 hours.  My belly is yelling at me already, can't get comfortable and the incisions are mad mad mad!  We'll see how long I last but when I've hit my max-tolerant-level for how much I'll deal with I will say I'm done and go home.  I will say that thurs and fri felt a zillion times better than how sat, sun and now today have felt.  I sure didn't expect a backwards slide but that appears to be what I'm experiencing.

I hope everyone is having a fantastic Monday.  And I hope everyone has a fabulous week!

04/17/10: Ta Da....

So I have a goal weight even though I don't buy into the whole goal weight thing.  My goal weight is right smack dab in the middle of my normal weight range.  I might get there and think I need to go farther.  I might not get there as I might get to my upper weight and think that's just fine.  All I know is that weight is right smack dab in the middle and it gives me something to shoot towards.  And at my thinnest (and happiest with my body, now, looking back) I weighed that weight I use for my ticker, 142.

142 subtracted from my start weight is 124 pounds.  124 pounds divided by 4 is 31.  So to lose 25% of my intended (possibly) weight, I'd lose 31 pounds.  As of this morning, I've lost 31 pounds.

Now, see, this is significant to me because I've told my sweet hubby that he and I get to share some quarter goal gifts when these 31 pound increments happen.  It might be a massage or a pedicure or who knows what, but it's some sort of pampering.  I thought 31 pounds would happen in a couple weeks cause I thought the swelling would be contended with longer than it has been.  So I'm totally surprised that 31 pounds happened so quickly.

Now if only my sweet hubby will wake up so I can tell him "Guess what!!!"

And I don't even know what this quarter goal gift is going to be.  We haven't had pedicures since Feb and that would be nice.

Yesterday my sweet hubby got my raised garden beds put together and lined with the stuff to stop the grass from coming up.  He said he'd go get the top soil and get that put in each of the beds today.  I started all my seedlings last night and I keep checking them to see if they've sprouted yet.  Nope.  They haven't.

If all goes well we'll have a good garden.

Strawberries, onions, garlic, potatoes, shallots, blue potatoes, spinach, two types of lettuce, broccoli, zucchini, squash, artichokes, green beans, among others I am not remembering at the moment.  And then a full assortment of herbs.

I hope all goes well!

In other news, I am down to no tylenol.  I have not taken any today and don't see the need.  What I can tell you is if you have any other choice, time the surgery so that it does not coincide with your TOM.  Grrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today we are supposed to be doing a few odds and ends of things - so we'll see if pedis can happen.  Sweet hubby wants to get the soil and get the beds filled.  We are headed to a co-ed wedding shower this evening (and we still gotta get the gift).  On the way up we are going to swing by the SIL's place as they are moving 6 houses down the street.  Sweet hubby has been asked to help move the bulky stuff - mattresses, furniture, and appliances.  He told me I am not to touch a thing.  We'll see.  I know I'm not supposed to but if you give me a cupcake tin, I don't think I can reconcile not helping in my pea brain.  So it sounds like a busy day and I don't know how excited I am about that.  And then again, it might be kinda nice!

I haven't said this yet, today and I feel like I should.  Today I feel like a 100% normal person.  My only caveat to that is I still have to watch that I don't twist suddenly, but I feel fine.  We'll see if that continues through the day, but it feels great to be starting the day this way!!!

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend.  Now let's see if I can start getting caught up on blogs again!

04/16/10: Still moving....

Good Morning, y'all!

What a difference a day makes!

I took the Lortab once yesterday and it made me feel horribly!  I won't be taking it again.  On the same token, I took my liquid Tylenol yesterday, too (not at the same time) and while it worked, it also didn't.  You see...somehow...I lost track of time...and it's now the TOM.  And neither the Lortab or the Tylenol were making my cramps go away.  And turns out, the cramps were my major issue!

Last night my sweet hubby went back to CVS for, like, the ga-zillionth time.  This time he picked up children's zyrtec and a pill breaker and a pill crusher and a dissolvable sleep aid.

The zyrtec cause I'm not supposed to be taking pills.  I know, at least I believe, that most of y'all get past the healing stage and tend to move back to pills right?  The children's zyrtec is the same dosage but it's expensive and it comes with 12.  I actually think 12 will get me through the rest of my personal allergy season just fine and I won't need to take zyrtec again until next spring.  I know those pills are so tiny that it shouldn't be an issue but I've literally been feeling that pill, which I broke in half, stick there before it goes through 20 minutes or so later.  I'm sure it's swelling and that this won't last, but by the time the swelling is really gone, I won't need zyrtec anyway.

The pill breaker and the pill crusher - self-explanatory.

The dissolvable sleep aid..well..they don't make Tylenol PM in a liquid - at least not that we can find.  And who needs it anyway?  I have the liquid tylenol.  I need that other magic ingredient and it's sold as Unisom which also makes a dissolvable tablet.

So armed with a sleep aid and tylenol I thought I was set.

All day I'd had the start of cramps rumbling away in the lady region and I was baffled.  And then I went to the bathroom and...oops...the calendar snuck up on me.  Well dangit.  The only thing I've ever found that works wonders on my cramps is Midol.  And those pills are way too big if I can barely get zyrtec down.  Dangit.  And then I start to put together, a lot of what I was still feeling was that, not surgery.  Crazy.  So this was when we decided we needed the pill-breaker-upper.

Armed with the pill-breaker-upper I went crazy on the Midol.  Got the two pills to many smaller pieces, much smaller than a half a zyrtec.  I took the midol when my time window had expired on the tylenol I'd taken earlier in the evening.

Now let me say, I took that Tylenol and I was aware that I felt better but I still hurt and I still didn't feel well.

When I could, I took the Midol.  And it kicked in.  Pretty quickly, I might add, since it was already broken down a bit.  :)

And dangit if I didn't feel absolutely fine!  The cramps were gone, the acheyness was gone, the lethargy was gone, I felt fine!

That lasted until bedtime when it was time for another dose (min 4 hours) and I crushed that one to see the difference.  Yeah.  Use the breaker-upper if there's a choice.  I mixed the crushed Midol into apple sauce and it was doable but it wasn't preferable.

I am sure I would have slept the night through last night, too, except for those gall-derned cramps woke me up at 5.  So I got up and took more Midol and once back asleep, slept like a baby!

I slept sooooo well last night!

Now it's time for another dose - I HATE CRAMPS! - but after drinking my breakfast I feel like I can't possibly get another thing in my belly.  I'm trying to walk and to get things to settle so that I can drink enough juice to get the pieces in.

Dang cramps.  I HATE CRAMPS!

Other than that, I really am feeling a zillion times better.  I have not had anything since the last midol I took at 5 this morning and while there is a tenderness around the port area, I feel fine.  And the tenderness around the port area is only a problem when I sneeze or cough - so thank God for zyrtec!!!

I'm glad to be done with the Lortab - I think I feel a zillion times better just because of that!

In other news I lost another two pounds yesterday.  I now weigh what I weighed the day I married my husband.  20 more pounds and he'll start seeing me lighter than I've ever been since we've been together.

I actually want to respond to yesterday's comments, so here is:

Most importantly, thank you to you all for letting me know you are thinking of me.  I really appreciate that!

I am definitely working on the water.  sip sip sip at all times.  I love those water bottles (that I found through Amy W.) cause otherwise I'd have no idea what I'm getting in right now!

I completely agree with the heating pad.  That thing has been my best friend!  I drag it from room to room with me!!

Yeah, ambien would have been nice.  The unisom helped a lot last night, I think.

Fat Bastard - you might be ok with a weds surgery and back to work the following mon.  Today is day 4 (not counting surgery day) and I feel like a whole new person.  The only thing I can say, and this is just my experience, is that the quicker you get off the Lortab and onto regular Tylenol, the quicker you will start to feel more normal.  The Lortab messes with everything.  I took one dose yesterday and I wish I hadn't.  It works about as well as good ol' Tylenol.  I would make sure you get some liquid tylenol and switch to that when you can.  I took the Lortab on Monday and Tuesday and then Wednesday I did Tylenol during the day and Lortab just before bed.  Yesterday, (I know this isn't the case with you and sorry for TMI, but it's part of the story) with my cramps kicking in and being afraid to take the midol (before we got the pill-chopper-upper, I thought Lortab would take care of it all.  It didn't.  It didn't touch the pain and it just made me feel druggy and woozy.  Once that wore off, I went back to Tylenol and that made a world of difference.  So...if you have to do five days like that, that's the best I can say - get off the Lortab as quickly as you feel comfortable doing.  The incisions don't hurt a bit, it's just tenderness in the port area.  And so long as I don't twist suddenly or cough or sneeze, I am generally not even aware of it.

Other thing I can say is the eating.  Make sure you are getting protein and you will feel better faster.  Inclination is to not eat cause you just don't feel like it.  But when I have forced myself to get my protein, I've felt better for the day.  That and walking.  Get up and move.  But don't do too much.  There is a fine line between getting enough of a walk and too much of a walk.  Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

I am glad I have 7 days, though.  If you can, I would try for that.