05/20/10: Thursday doldrums

Good Morning y'all.  It's Thurs.  I should be excited, this I know - 'it's Thurs' means tomorrow is Fri and Fri's are always great and this weekend will be awesome.  But...it just feels kinda doldrum-y.  And I don't feel like a doldrum-y sort of day so that lack of reconciliation is making me say 'bleh' which is way less than exciting.

Anywho.  Want some comic relief for this doldrum-y sort of Thurs morning?

Ok.

I got on the scale this morning, as I always do, butt-ass naked with nothing ingested.  I literally got out of bed, peed, brushed my teeth and then got on the scale.  I gained 3.2 pounds since yesterday.

3.2 pounds?  WHAT?  HOW?  I've had calorie deficits of at least 1200 calories a day for over two weeks now.  WHAT?

Ok.  Whatever.  I'm weightlifting.  I'm increasing blood counts, fluids are moving into places they haven't been for awhile, muscles are flushing and fibers are healing.  Ok.  Whatever.  It's good.  I'm happy.  Really.  I'm sore and I'm feeling like my arm/chest/shoulder workout from Tues REALLY kicked butt...which makes me thrilled.  Tonight I get to do my legs again (took last night off from cardio to organize the house and get all the little clutter-stuff put away.  Our house looks GOOD!)

So...like I say...whatever.  You can't spoil me, my day, my life, my journey - you can't spoil anything you dirty stinkin rotten scale.

Love the scale...love the scale....

So I crawl in my shower thrilled at the comic relief.

But wait....there's more!

I take my shower...scrub and wash and shower and condition.  I get out of my shower and dry off.

And I decide I'm a glutton and I crawl back on the scale....

I'm now down, yes, down, to only 1.3 pounds gained since yesterday.  In my shower, as my husband put it, I "managed to wash away 1.8 pounds".  Here I am with wet hair and moist skin and I've lost nearly two pounds!

How can you not laugh at that?

So...I'm still up - 1.2 pounds - from yesterday.  But it really is ok.  I'm waking my muscles back up.  I'm pleased to know they are still in there and some are sorer than others.  I'm pleased at what I managed to make sore and I'm especially pleased at what didn't atrophy as much as I thought it had.  A lot of my weights are the same as they were last time I was really into lifting...so to be able to pick them right back up meant a lot to me.  But I guess this frame (read, body) carrying over 100 excess pounds is bound to do something beneficial (said with a smirk).

Ok.  So let's talk calories.  How many calories do you eat?  How many calories is too few?  How many calories becomes too many?

After last weeks fill I am averaging between 700-1000 calories a day.  And periodically I have days like yesterday.  I set in my little tracker what I was going to eat yesterday morning, as I normally do.  And it turned out my dinner of scallops, green beans and mac and cheese was just not enough calories unless I really jacked up the ounces of each that I ate.  I planned on 3oz scallops, 2oz green beans and 2oz of mac&cheese.  Problem is, 3oz of scallops is, like, nothing.  90 calories and 15g of protein.  But I need more than 90 calories. 

So when all was said and done, after my normal lunch and...ok...wait...breakfast...smoothie - like normal.  But somehow, yesterday, it was WAY too sweet for me.  So I took a sip and said 'nope, can't do it' and gave the rest to hubby.  Even he, Mr. Sweets-lover himself, couldn't finish it.  It was something in the banana and it was weird.  Anywho...so didn't get anything for "breakfast" and then lunch was normal.  So here I am...with dinner...getting a whole whopping 190 calories for dinner.  Unless I eat more - which physically I do not want.

If I left it at that, I would have been at 660 calories for the day.  And worried that that and the protein count, as well, were just not enough, I began to scrounge around trying to find ways to make up calories. 

Just before dinner I had a serving of almonds.  That added 42.
After dinner, in addition to my 1.5oz of yogurt and .5oz of granola that I love love love, I decided I really needed calories....so get this....

Me...the person that HATES candy....ate a peanut butter Twix washed down with a Dr. Pepper.

Doing so got my calorie count to 1100 for the day.

I will say that part of the problem is that there weren't more scallops I could eat.  We bought what we thought was appropriate and it turns out...it wasn't.  So a learning lesson there. 

Now, I'm not worried about the PB Twix or even the Dr. Pepper.  It is what it is, I got my calorie count to reasonable - and I chose the PB Twix over a Butterfinger, for example, because PB has protein (5g in the whole candy bar).  That 5g of protein got my protein to 58g for the day which is part of what I was after.  And Dr. Pepper...sigh...I just love the stuff.  I can't drink a whole can to myself anymore and that's perfect.  My hubby gets to drink most of it and I get the few sips I'm after.  Such.  A.  Treat!

But should I have left it at 660?  I mean, that's nowhere near enough!  And I don't want to fall flat because I'm getting too little.  I want the right balance of just enough.

660 seems like not enough.  I am finding, courtesy of my beloved GoBe, that I really need to be above 750 but if I can stay below 1000 then I seem to do well.  Once I go above 1000 then it seems to become binge city unless I really plan it out.  Which I did, yesterday, so it worked.  There have been a few days, since I have bonded to GoBe, that I was below 650 and those were bad.  So apparently my "magic spot" is between ~750 and 1000.  That's doable with what I eat and what I prefer.  Of course, fill level and TOM both have a hand in being able to do this, too. 

Anywho.  I just want to get a sense from you, if you'd be willing to share, of what it is that works for you.  I realize that not everyone has GoBe's (if new, GoBe is what I named my Gowear Fit) and not everyone tracks.  I'm keeping track more because I want to see/understand trends, not because I am being strict with myself.  I have learned - as many before me have, too - that if I plan what I will eat today then I am so much more likely to do so.  If I say I'll wing it, then I do...and my calorie counts go crazy.  It's one of those I need to see it on paper and see how it works out and plays together.  And sometimes, like yesterday, it just doesn't really work out - and not for the reasons one might think.

04/29/10: Not What I Expected

Are you experiencing deja vu yet?

I never expected my little ol' blog about what I never expected to elicit such a response.  Good heavens alive!  I was sooo not expecting that.

Love it!

Meanwhile...here it is, 2:12 pm as I type, eating my first food for the day.  Just not hungry and the smoothie was..umm...not..."proper" today (love you, Husband!).  So I opted against it since I'm never hungry before 11am anyway and I just didn't feel like drinking something...not..."proper"...just for the sake of drinking something.  And figured without my smoothie I'd be hungry around 11, as usual...but here it is...2:15, now, and I was finally hungry...until I took about three bites...of chicken salad...then I was full.

Insane.  I have it sitting in front of me...hoping I'll get more in. 

Not complaining.  Not at all.  Not griping, and not bragging either.  Just surprised.  Very pleasantly.
So...in other news...hmmm.  It's gorgeous outside!  I have no work to do at work.  I have a class next week so I won't get any work until I get back.  So it's hard to be at work with nothing to do when it's so very gorgeous outside!

What else.  All bruising in ma bell-eh is gone!  I can't see any remnants of swelling anymore either. 

What else.  I'm tired of chicken salad.  At least the stuff we have.  It was soo good for awhile and now I want to make my own.  I can't wait for this stuff to be gone.

Should I buy a Bodybugg or a Gowear Fit?  Or should I buy a heart rate monitor?  They make one for swimming now.  So I could get that one and then a regular one, too, for everytime else - or maybe even a Gowear - I think I like that one better than the Bodybugg.  I think they would just be cool gadgets to have and might help me break plateaus when they do happen.  But I don't know that they are necessary.  What do you guys think?  I don't think they are necessary, I think, ultimately, using an online thing like Fitday (what I use) can tell me what's what...but I'm on the fence.  I mean...I want the gadget...I think...so what do you all think about the things...and what do you use, if you do?...and do you recommend anything or nothing or what you have?  If you recommend what you have, then what do you have?

What else.

I feel like me again.  No more insurance crap.  No more will I get banded/won't I get banded.  No more when-if-when.  No more waiting.  It's on with it. 

See...I'm kind of a nut.  Just ask my husband.  He'll tell you.  He says I made him a nut.  I think he just made me nuttier.  He's a nut, too.  He knows it, it's ok.  So together, we're nuts.  Well. My nutty self wasn't coming through in my blog cause I was so will I/won't I?  When?  But now...well...I DID!  And it was on 4/12/10 at 7:30am (at least I was taken into the OR around 7:20 and since I fell asleep, I don't really know when, so I'm presuming somewhere around 7:30 was when it started) .  But I tell you what.  I feel like me again.  The me that is, not that me that is chasing something.  So nutty!  But you know what I'm talking about...that whole stress thing...it's gone...I'm no longer stressed about the band...and it's nice.

Can I please eat some food!??!

Now what do I do?  Not enough protein...worrisome...I can drink water...I can eat...it does go down...not running into problems there...just don't want it...but that means...not enough protein...or calories...but protein is the bother.  I got plenty of stored calories.  I need the protein...don't want to lose muscle...want to gain muscle...and so I need protein.  It's like a drug.  I need it.  The rest of it...I got.  Calories galore.  Still plenty to pick and choose from.

Maybe I'll go shopping tonight.  I got a few gift cards, one of which might be expiring soon....and Husband is going to a baseball game with his buddy-ol'-pal...so I gots an evening to myself.  What do you do with such things?  I don't remember.  I want to walk.  Miles.  2, maybe 3.  I walked 1 last night.  It was nice, although chilly.  How is it chilly...in HOUSTON....in APRIL?  We should be getting humid already...and we aren't.  We are still in the 50's and even 40's at night.  Insane.  Like my eating...or my lack thereof...

This is probably enough nothing for the day.  Hope you're having a good Thursday!!!

Added at 3:35pm: Awww...someone just walked by my little cubby-hole and said "you are looking really good!"  I beamed AND blushed and I couldn't make the beaming smile go away.  And then she knew she did good.  AWWW!

04/28/10: Not what I expected

I feel like I'm taunting bandster hell to come and get me but I gotta blog this anyway.  I so totally did not expect any sort of restriction at this stage.

I thought I'd have surgery and get a little fill and that little fill, whatever it worked out to, would be enough to make a change but not enough to make a change.

I expected to still be able to eat.  Reasonably.  But eat.  I thought, if I put 4oz on my plate, I'll eat those 4oz and want more.  I thought, honestly, I'd be shooting for 6oz on my plate and I might be sated early on but towards the end of my month 1, it wouldn't work so well.  And I thought that towards the end of month one, I'd want 8oz.

I don't know that I had specific numbers tied to anything.  But I know that I expected the 4oz I knew I was to shoot for would probably not be enough.

I can't finish 4oz!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's insane!!!!!!!!!!

And it seems to be a 'you get 8-10oz for the day' thing, not 4oz per meal. 

So smoothie in the morning.  It's a slider.  It'll get in there although it does give a full feeling, to me, and keeps me satisfied for 4-5 hours.

Lunch = 4oz chicken or turkey salad.  Mon, for example, I could barely eat 1.5oz.  Yesterday, I wanted all 4.

Dinner = I'm actually putting 5oz on my plate.  Monday, when I barely touched lunch, I had 3oz pork, 1oz macaroni & cheese and 1oz broccoli.  I ate it all.  But I'd barely touched lunch.  And that was only 5oz and I was stuffed.  Not expecting that cause I was expecting bandster hell to be set in by now, right?  Then we have last night.  I served 3oz of chicken, 1oz of rice and 1oz of broccoli.  But I did eat my lunch.  I ate 1.5oz of chicken, 1 bite of the rice and .5oz of broccol.  I weighed what was left on my plate when I was stuffed and there was still 2.5oz there.  I ate 2.5oz for dinner and I was stuffed.

Again, worried about calories and protein, I turned to my Greek Yogurt - a slider - to get some protein in, later in the evening.

Yesterday ended up at 970 calories.  I am actually shooting for 1200...but I just can't seem to get there.  I so totally did not expect that!  Not now, anyway!

And then, it turns out, my hubby has been making the smoothies recently and I thought he was putting in two scoops of protein which would mean 52g of protein for the whole thing, aside from what we get from the Greek yogurt.  He gets 2/3 of what we make and I get 1/3.  Putting my recipe in sparkpeople, I should be getting 21g of protein with my smoothie.  But he was only putting in 1 scoop which means I've been way under on the protein.  So today we put the extra protein in.  And I was stuffed far quicker than I have been.  I have settled on 6oz of my smoothie and since I can drink it slow...it works.  I want the protein.  I'll take the rest of the good stuff that's in there, too.

This is really odd to me.  I mean, somehow, in reading all the blogs, I just expected bandster hell to start up pretty fast and play tricks on me.  Now, true, I can eat most anything I want.  My only no-no I've found so far is ribeye steak - but I have never eaten a solid diet of that, anyway.  So this is actually, truly nice to me.  I can eat anything I want, I am, this week anyway, choosing good things cooked healthily and I am just flat-out barely eating any of it.  I expected this time to be I can eat anything I want and I can eat a lot of it, too - maybe less than before, but still more than someone with true restriction.

And I have to admit this is what I want.  I don't want to get to the point where I am never hungry or where I am so restricted I have few options or where I have to drink to get protein (although somehow, I'm there).  I don't want to lose options.  I want to keep my options but have hunger at bay.  Surely this will fade and I'll see why I need another fill.  But so long as I'm like this, eating 3-4oz at a meal and feeling stuffed on that - and not having hunger return for 4-5 hours...I want to stay like this.

I have two weeks exactly until my first fill.  I will be so very curious to see what unfolds over the next two weeks.  I am losing.  I am settling on a Sunday weigh-in day and so won't update on what I've lost for the week until I weigh-in and take my measurements.  But every day this week, the scale has fallen.

And water.  Man.  Water is HARD!  I now have a rule that I have to drink one of my magic water bottles before I can have lunch.  Another through the afternoon.  Finish a third before I can have dinner.  But my desire for water is just not there.  And it's not that I want a soda or anything with sugar and/or calories or just anything else.  I just don't want it.  And that's bad!  So I'm doing this 'make myself drink by not letting myself have food until X happens' thing to try and get the water.  At least my water needs are falling, too.  :)  But I'm not getting what I need, that much I know.

On the other hand, I know that my bodily functions have swung way past normal again back to gushing.  So maybe I don't need the water.  :)

Kidding.  I know...I know...I need the water.

In other news...I finally felt like I was up to poking around the belly yesterday to actually feel the port for the first time.  I don't know what I was so scared of, I have been completely pain free since end of last week, only wanting Tylenol after working outside all day on Saturday.  So I felt around and felt it.  It's in there.  :)  Now I know exactly where it is.  I was taking a bath at the time of this exploration so I called my sweet hubby and he comes in. I grab his hand and put it there and he pokes around and pulls his hand back real quick while running out of the bathroom going "ewww....weird".  It was pretty cute.  But it's in there!  I was happy!

I knew it was in there.  Had no doubts.  I leaned forward Mon evening to open the gas tank and it got stuck on my ribs and kind of grinded around to get away from them.  So that wasn't so pleasant...and now that I know it does that, I can lean forward differently.

And that's what I know.  Hope y'all are having a good day!

04/27/10: Is this normal?

I am two weeks out from surgery.  I started with 1cc fill.  I would presume the swelling is less today than it was the day off surgery so I would suspect that 1cc is doing less work today than it was two weeks ago.  So how is it...that I am eating less food as time goes on?

This is insane.  I would think that 4oz would get harder and harder to satisfy me.  Instead, I'm finding that, like yesterday, I can barely even eat 2oz for lunch.  2oz.  Of food.  Altogether.  That's it.  And I was stuffed.  Put the fork down, can't eat another bite, will be in pain if I do, stuffed.  HOW?  Is this normal?

It's insane!

I'll take it.  But is this the band?  Is it hormones?  Is it my brain?  It's insane, whatever it is!

You know what I think one aspect of it might be?  I've really worked on the water for the last two days - last two being Sunday and then Monday.  And with my hydration levels returning to normal...my appetite is decreasing.  But is water really enough to make 2oz filling?  Crazy talk, I tell ya, crazy talk!

Here is what the band looked like about 40 minutes or so after surgery.  I am absolutely going crazy wanting to know what it looks like right now.  I believe that when they do the fills...they will start with an image and see where I am...and then fill accordingly to get me back to this.  You can see from this image that my surgeon was telling no lies when he said all he could give me was 1cc.  I could not imagine have 3cc's to start with if this is what I looked like, then, with 1cc.  I love this image.  I was not sure I cared to post this cause I did not think it really mattered.  But moreso than the images I posted imediately after surgery with the actual band around my actual stomach - this image really is stuck in my mind.  Anyway.  I believe that's how fills will work because that's what my nurse practitioner told me.  But who knows; I'll find out in a couple weeks.  I hope I can get copies of the before and after photos at the time of the fill - how awesome would that be for a scrapbook?

I'm a nut.  You're surprised?  We know this.  It isn't likely to change or even get better. 

Dinner proved to be just as interesting as lunch.  I ate about 4oz's total.  I also have been having a little cup of Horizon Organic Vanilla cream yogurt late in the evening with a bit of granola sprinkled in.  About 2oz of yogurt and 1oz of granola.  I actually had to make myself eat this because I was worried about the calorie count...but even more importantly, the protein count.  Because of my choices for the day and the amounts I was eating, I only got 44g of protein.  Not bad...but not great.  Not bad if you are going by the standard - get 60g a day.  Not good if you are doing what I am doing - calculating personal needs based on weight.  Currently - I need 85g.  So about half...not great at all. 

But surprisingly, even with only ~900 calories for the day - my energy was crazy high.  My husband could not get me to sit down!  It was kind of bizarre.  It was refreshing!!  It felt like me.  Up until around about the last year, or so, last year being last year - 2009 (as you know), I always had crazy high energy.  Run circles around my friends type energy.  The only place I typically ran into similar energy levels was with my family.  My almost 85 year old grandmother runs circles around a lot of 40 year olds.  I miss my energy.  I am loving that it's coming back already.  I know this isn't probably the time when it will set in and last - I know I'm still healing.  But to have a glimpse of it is just nice.  And I know that when I lose more weight, the energy will return for good.  And that will be nice!!!

So, one would expect, after eating only ~900 calories and running in circles last night that the scale might respond.  It did.  Down 2.5 from yesterday.  I think a downhill slide is on.  Don't know how long it will last - but I think it's on.  I do know that I'm in that part of my cycle where I don't eat much.  And I think coupling that time of my cycle with the band with how I'm feeling...it's just working out to a good place.  I know the water intake is helping.  I know the body functions are just about normal.  Not quite ready to declare it...but I know it's improving ten-fold.  I know that healing is being done and things are getting going.  And it all just feels good!  And I will take it for however long it lasts.  And I will hope and pray that I am cleared for weightlifting when I have my appt on May 12th!

Have a great day, y'all!