03/31/11: Checking in...

Howdy y'all.

What a week!  I haven't really been at work much this week which is why you haven't heard a peep from me.

So, where to start?  The spontaneous trip to Austin to see my aunts and uncles?  Or the ultrasound on Monday?

Ok, Austin it is.

I have mentioned in the past that I have an aunt who is fighting brain cancer married to a man that is battling lung cancer.  I have not given any updates on that, though, as, well, it's depressing.  An aunt and an uncle from California came in at the end of last week to visit the two of them.  My uncle just had a lung resection where they removed the entire lobe that was cancer stricken.  In the middle of that surgery, he had a massive heart attack.  To say he isn't doing well would be an understatement.  My aunt, the one with the brain cancer, well, she's not really herself anymore.  Brain cancer can do that to a person.  So my aunt and uncle came to visit.  This is a brother/sister combo - brother and sister to the aunt with brain cancer - all aunts/uncle to me.  Anywho, we knew this visit was coming up and weren't trying to invade on anyone's visits, so we didn't volunteer to drive up immediately.  Last thurs, the aunt that lives in Austin said "come up" and we said "we have plans" (cause we did).

Friday, my uncle sends me a message on Facebook.  "come up." and we thought 'a little warning might have been nice cause we could have set up our plans differently.'  Then, Saturday, the visiting aunt, who knew our news already, called so that we could share the news with the rest of the crowd.  Unfortunately, the call went to voicemail as we were out to lunch with a neighbor.  In her message, she said "we really wish we could see you guys".

Ironically, our plans changed at the last minute.  We were originally going to spend Sunday with my hubby's Dad and Step-mom but she was unable to do Sunday so asked if we could switch the visit to dinner Saturday night.  We said sure - as that freed up Sunday so that I could have a much desired day to just chill.  My energy is flat out G.  O.  N.   E.

So with the final aunt saying "come up" and Sunday now clear, hubby and I looked at each other at 2pm on Saturday and said "let's go".  FIL and step-MIL came down with our niece (5 yo) who spent about two hours in our pool.  It was a long shot to bring her suit - we hadn't checked the temp of the water in a couple weeks but were surprised to learn as she was changing into her swimsuit that our pool is already 78 degrees.  It's friggin MARCH, people!  We don't usually get to temps like that until the end of May.  I know many of you have had the winter from hell, and so have we - it's TOO DAMNED HOT!  I am scared scared scared for how blistering hot this summer will be if it's already steadily 90 in MARCH!  No, don't tell me you'd rather.  You really really wouldn't.  Not here.  In Houston.  With 100% humidity.

So anywho, our niece swam for a couple of hours and then we went out to dinner.  We shared our news with FIL and step-MIL and were absolutely blown away by their responses.  Hugs that told us all the joy that was felt, tears from a man who can't show emotion.  It was amazing.

And after dinner, we headed out to Austin.  My aunts house is full up with her brother and sister and my uncle's sister.  So we stayed the night at a friend's (who's more like a sister) house just down the street.  She and her husband stayed up for us and to say we appreciate the room and the effort would be an understatement.  We didn't get in until 11:30pm.

Sunday we were up early to go spend the day with my family.  And it was a wonderful day - although sad.  My uncle is not doing well at all.  He looks bad - but his brain is fully intact.  My aunt is not doing well at all, either.  She, on the other hand, looks great - but her brain is not fully intact.  It's heartbreaking.  Absolutely heartbreaking.  She'd go to the kitchen to wash her hands, for example, get to the sink, then wonder what she was doing there.  Someone has to follow her around relentlessly "keeping her on task".  My uncle, on the other hand, is very aware of what he wants to do - but being in an upright position for 15 minutes requires a 2 hour nap.

I think the great thing that came of our visit, though, is that our good news really cheered up their home.  My uncle's sister held me in a hug with tears falling as we were getting ready to leave thanking me for giving her brother some good news and some hope.  My aunt has a 5% chance of surviving - but the odds of conceiving twins naturally is less than 3% - so strange things happen.  If they are going to survive, hope has to be at the root of it all.  When we left, late Sunday evening, all parties felt hope again.  That was wonderful.

Anywho...that's our spontaneous trip to Austin.

Which led to me being thoroughly and incredibly exhausted.  My Sweet Hubby and I both thought I'd be able to sleep in the car on the way up as well as on the way home.  Nope.  I could not get comfortable.  I could not beat the feeling that I was about to puke.  Nope.  It was just an incredibly long trip in the car.  Oh well - it was worth it.

Monday, we were able to sleep in before we headed off to our ultrasound appt.  And that went very very well.  We had two good strong heartbeats and two healthily growing babies.  A good chunk of our risk for a miscarriage just dropped off.  They say that 90% of pregnances that achieve good heart rates with baby or babies ends up a successful pregnancy.  We have now crossed into territory where we never were with our first pregnancy.  This pregnancy has now been declared "viable" and many future appts were booked.  We find out the sexes of the babies on July 11th!

By the time we were done there, it was nearly 2pm - so driving an hour and a half to work seemed futile.  We called our bosses who both said, yeah, see ya tomorrow.  So we went home and slept.

Tuesday - was a half day for me.  I went and got myself a complete unfill!  Wanna hear something strange?  According to records I should have had 3.7cc's of fluid left in the band.  Given all the fills and unfills and whatnot since surgery - and including surgery.  You know how much was pulled out?  5cc's.

They told me that when they do the first fill they "prime" the band by filling it then removing all fluid and air then filling it again.  But sometimes the way things unfold, air actually traps some of the priming fluid in there so you end up with more than they thought you had.  So, at my peak, instead of thinking I had 4.7cc's I now know I had 6cc's.

From there it was to the dentist followed by a massage followed by dinner with a friend in town on business.

Yeah...Hubby isn't getting that the more I do, the worse I feel.

So yesterday it all caught up with me.

And what used to be just queasiness is now full on sickness.  Ugh.  I seriously hope I'm one of those that loses "morning sickness" by week 12.  Sadly...that's still 4 weeks away...

That's about all I got.  Things are well.  I'm trying my best to get Hubby to understand I need to slow down.  If I slow down..I feel better.  It's a pretty simple equation.  We are looking at a crazy busy weekend this weekend with one of Hubby's best friends visiting from Denver and birthday parties and memorial services and a brunch.  Ugh.  I need to chill!  Next weekend and the weekend after that and the weekend after that don't look good, either.  I don't see this unfolding well given how I feel today...and it could get worse...from what I understand - it probably will.  Ugh.  I hope that's wrong, though!!

03/24/11: OMG

My life seems to be all about the "OMG's" nowadays.

Take for example my eating.  Good God I am a pig!  And I mean a pig.  I'm eating more than I ever did to get to my heaviest - and I'm losing weight.

My BMI is at 30.3.  I am so very close to being out of the obese category - but obese I still am.  Because of that, well, I have to gain, since it's twins, but instead of shooting for 45 pounds (if I was just overweight), now I get to shoot for 24-30.  I am supposed to hit 24 by 24 weeks - and I'm 6 weeks, so I have 18 weeks to do this.  Then, in the later stages, I get to slow down and just try to get 10 more pounds or so.

Well, good news is I'M HUNGRY.  I think I've established that.  What does this mean?  Let's look at how I ate yesterday.

Breakfast - smoothie is now 6oz instead of 3.  That 6oz has 40g protein and my full serving of fruits for the day.  (I'm supposed to shoot for 4 servings of fruit a day now.)  ~400 calories
mid-morning snack - crackers of some sort.  I am totally craving Goldfish, Saltines, or Fritos right now.  So yesterday it was fritos.  A full serving.  ~160 calories.
lunch - a protein and veggie saute combo.  Yesterday was pork and all my veggies.  Leftovers from dinner, essentially.  Was eating 4oz.  Now eating 6oz.  Mentally I want to eat more but my tummy gets squeamish with protein, so I'm doing what I can.  ~400 calories.
early mid-afternoon snack - a cheese stick.  ~160 calories.
mid mid afternoon snack - The other of the goldfish, saltine, or frito serving I have on hand so yesterday it was the goldfish.  ~160 calories.
late mid-afternoon snack - 4oz of yogurt with 1oz of granola.  ~300 calories.
snack when I get home - handful of fritos or banana chips.  ~120 calories
dinner - last night was a lamb sirloin steak with mashed potatoes and edamame.  ~500 calories.
late evening snack - another handful of banana chips.  ~120 calories.
early bedtime snack - a handful of fritos.  ~120 calories.
late bedtime snack - 4oz of yogurt with 1oz of granola.  ~300 calories.

That is 2740 calories.  I've been told to strive for 2700 calories a day.  Can you believe that?  Can your bandster mind even wrap itself around that?  Mine can't.  It absolutely can't!  But I also know that if I don't eat often and if I skimp on carbs - my tummy gets all upset and acts like the world will turn upside down. Food and carbs really are the only things that are making me feel ok-ish.

But get this.  I ate ALL OF THAT yesterday.  And I lost nearly 2 pounds!

Argh!!!!  How will I ever gain 24 pounds if I eat friggin 2700 calories a day and lose?

Insane.

Usually, I get on the scale every morning and it says something then I do a thing or two around the bathroom like brush my teeth and take a shower, then get back on the scale and lose two pounds.  Now, I'm getting back on the scale and praying that I'll have magically gained a pound.

Yesterday I was constantly eating - or so it felt.  When I'm not eating, damn but am I guzzling in water.  My meager intake from before pregnancy has doubled.  I'd say I averaged around 80oz of water a day pre-pregnancy and now...well...around all that damned eating, I'm drinking at least 150oz.

So yeah, when I'm not eating, I'm drinking.  When I'm not drinking, I'm peeing.  And all the veggies I'm getting plus all the fiber we add to our morning smoothie - yeah...um...plumbing works!

I was laying in bed last night reading my book on how multiples pregnancies are different than singletons.  With singletons, you don't have to worry so much about weightgain, or so it seems.  You don't want to be losing and there are physiological reasons I now know of that really make it worth our while to eat right - and enough - and to not fight the weightgain...but with multiples, it seems, how I eat right now really can affect their birthweight.  If I don't eat enough and I rely on my fat stores even slightly, they'll be 4 lbs or less.  If I eat right and throw weightloss 100% out the window - I can get them to 6 lbs.  6 lbs for twins is awesome, from what I'm reading.

But it's soooooo verrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyy weird!  How do I throw out 1200 calories a day?  How do I even throw out the notion that "i just need 300 more calories a day per kid".  That's such a stupid blanket statement, though, and it doesn't hold except for the person that was at the most optimal and idealistic weight.  How do I switch from 1200 a day - which I rarely achieve - to 2700 a day - which is more than double that?  Ok, so turns out I can make the switch - but my brain is baffled.  My brain says "damn you're a pig!"

But my tummy says thank you and gives me a reprieve from the constant turmoil and nausea.  If I stop eating...I feel it - and I feel horrible.  If I eat, I feel fine.  If I eat...I can work out.  But damn, working out isn't going to help me gain.  So now, for every calorie I'm burning working out...I just have to eat that much more.  Dangit!  :)

I'll be curious to see how this unfolds.  Right now I'd love to see a pound jump on the scale.  I'm in my seventh week right now and I suspect (need to read more book) that I should already be seeing a pound or two added on.  And I'm not.  In fact, I'm two down, total.  I swear I'm eating, though.  My lunchbox thingy feels like it weighs a ton.  I'm keeping food in the car and beside the bed.  I am literally, now, supposed to eat a bedtime snack.  That goes against everything we know as bandsters.  I am supposed to eat something dairy for that snack.  Again, goes against what I've been told as a bandster.  The idea that we should pursue low fat, lean protein - yeah out the window.  Go for the fat, they say.  The healthy ones, specifically, the avocados and olive oils and nuts and such - not a fat streak in a steak.  But dangit, all I've been working toward for over a year now...throw it out, it's wrong.  I'm also reading that what I'm doing now - I'll continue through breast feeding.  A year and a half of eating like this is bound to make habits.

Thank God for the band! 

I'm going for that complete unfill next week - but I know on the other side of all of this, getting the band reflated  :) is really going to help me turn this back around.

So.  Very.  Weird.

To break it down specifically, I now need 110g protein, 275g carbs, 73g fats.  6 servings of protein, 4 servings fruit, 4 servings veggies, 8 servings of dairy, 8 servings of grains, 8 servings of healthy fats.

How do you think you'd feel, as a bandster or a weightloss mindset person, to switch to that?

(Disclaimer - I am not necessarily looking for affirmation that it's ok. I know it's ok.  The point of this post is to show how very different the thinking is - and how odd my brain is finding that now.  I am laughing all the way through writing this.  I am not questioning this, doubting it, or resisting it.  I am eating and will continue to do so - because if I don't, I feel horrible.  This post is simply to show how very different it is - and how easy it might be to continue these habits long after breast-feeding has stopped; that would be a recipe for a disaster - then.)

Oh yeah, I'm still reading, too.  I hope to be caught up by the end of the week...i.e. tomorrow.  :)

Ronnie - I'm calling you out!  Please tell me everything you can about your experience!  Did you ever hear of or read anything by Dr. Barbara Luke?

03/22/11: I'm reading

I've been a bad follower.  I'm consumed with what's taking over my body and I haven't been reading.

I'm reading now.  I'll blog again when I get re-acquainted with y'all!

Or when I have super duper news or pics to share.

03/21/11: OMG

How many do you count?

03/18/11: Yay for Friday's!!!

I told you yesterday that I was hungry.  Member that?  I specifically said "FEED ME".  Member that?

I'm sure you do.  I'm sure your whole purpose in life is to memorize my blog.  I know these things.

So, I'm eating.  Last night for dinner, ready for this?  I ate until I was satisfied - not full.  I wasn't full.  I could have eaten more.  Ready for this?  A salad with the best ginger dressing in the world.  3 pieces of pan fried gyoza.  2 pieces of sushi.  And nearly a whole sizzling shrimp plate - about 8 shrimp and tons of veggies.

Ok, so I won't mention that lunch was "only" almonds and peanuts.  Not the plan, don't worry, I had every intention of eating a real lunch and my plan blew up in my face leaving me with only what I had at my desk to eat.  Oh yeah, and a serving size bag of Chili Cheese Fritos.  Good healthy lunch - HA!  Breakfast - typical smoothie and typical coffee (1/3 caf).

I'm eating.  There aint no way out of that - even with only peanuts and almonds for lunch, I am definitely eating.

And today?  I lost weight.  If I lose another pound tomorrow - I'll be at an all time low - at least on this journey.  Apparently my body REALLY  likes my hormones being UP.  Although I am a crying mess already.

I've been eating like this for days now; I can't believe how drastically my appetite has picked up.  Normally, I'd have 4 or 5 shrimp for dinner and a few veggies.  Normally, I'd have 3-4oz of either chicken salad or leftover "stir-fry" for lunch.

Don't worry, our stir fry is not what you think it is.  It's chicken or pork (shredded) with all the veggies you can think of.  And the "sauce" is 3 tbsp olive oil, juice of half a lemon, dash of seasalt, and then whatever herbs you like (that's enough sauce for 1lb of protein and 1 bunch of asparagus, 4 crowns of broccoli, 1/4 snow peas, 1/2 box of mushrooms, 3 zucchini, 1/2 red onion, and 1 bell pepper).  I like an Italian Herb mix or Herbes de Prevence, usually.  So that's our stir-fry.  Not salt laden typical Chinese stir-fry.

Anywho, it's interesting to me to be able to eat when I'm hungry and eat until I'm satisfied - not full.  It's like this is how this is supposed to work, ya know?  I eat when I'm hungry and that's it.  I'm not worried about calories - I'm worried about nutrition.  I feel like my body will tell me if I'm not doing enough to support the baby.  I feel like my body will tell me what I need.  To me, that's what the band has given me - the ability to pay attention to what I feel like.

Because of the crazy unfill I had to have at the end of February my clinic wanted me to come back at the end of this month for a follow-up.  I don't know what I think about a fill vs. unfill vs. just leaving it alone.  I know for damned sure I don't want a fill.  I kinda feel like I could actually stand to lose a little more fill, maybe as much as 0.5cc's (little, eh? - read sarcastically).  And then I also think I could leave it alone.  Today, right now, my fill level is fine.  I'm afraid, though, that when the baby really starts to grow - and so does my belly - and when my organs start to push northwards, well, I think I could be in trouble at that point.  I also think that if I wait until that point - it might be harder to find the port.  So...I am leaning towards even more of an unfill in about a week and a half.  Like I said, maybe as much as 0.5cc's.  Hell...maybe even more.  I can see merit in just removing ALL of the fluid.  I can really see how that would be wise to do proactively.

Right now it's not an issue.  But at five months, it might start to become one and at nine months it might be an insane issue.  I don't want to repeat what happened in February - especially not when I'm sustaining two.

Oh yeah, and the coffee...well, back before we started trying again, we took our fave (Moka Java, which we can only find in full caf) and diluted that with our second fave (Columbian), which we can get in decaf.  So it was about half and half.  Then I found another bag of coffee in our freezer that was also decaf, again Columbian, so I diluted again.  If it was 1/3 caf I'd be surprised cause poundage wise there was far more of the decaf than there was of the caf.  Yesterday we went and bought more decaf to add to our already diluted mix.  So I'm pretty sure caffeine is pretty low.  It's not nothing, because there is still some of the Moka Java in there...but it's pretty minimal.  I added 1.5lbs of decaf to about .33 pounds of the diluted mix.  When this is gone, I will go to all decaf.  I have also cut out all other sources of caffeine.  I'm surprised at how easy it's been.  When I want a soda (which I do, typically every day, one, that is) I grab a 7-Up or Sprite or Ginger Ale.  Most of the time, it's just plain ol water - which I can say, consumption of has definitely increased.  My body just wants it.  I know they say that we can have caffeine, nowadays anyway.  Most things/docs say 1-2 cups of coffee or 2-3 sodas or whatever combo you want (including chocolate) that keeps you under 200mg.  I find, though, and it was the same way last time, that I really just don't want it. 

I am so ready for the weekend.  We love the NCAA tourney and I know we have a ton of basketball on our radar for the weekend.  Works for me!  I'll watch basketball all day long and lift weights in between sitting sessions.  Sounds like a wonderful weekend to me!

I hope y'all have a great one, too!

03/17/11: Ayup

I got nothing.  I just feel the need to blog.

Isn't that a nice change from my whiny, depressing, angry, sad, frustrated posts of the past four months or so?

It's amazing how a peestick can change your outlook.

So, I'm pregnant.  All the bloodwork and peesticks say say.  We established that a couple days ago.  So, being pregnant, well, things are changing.  And I'm taking notes - as I tend to do.

It's so different this time.  Still not dealing with morning sickness - like last time - knock wood.  But other than that, it's all different.  Here's the differences...

• This time - my uterus is growing faster than I can say "pregnant".  I know this because I feel every twinge and twang that my uterus throws at me and it's twinging and twanging like crazy.  Last time - those twinges and twangs didn't start up that quickly and when they did, the twinges and twangs were fewer and further between.
• This time - I AM HUNGRY.  FEED ME!  Last time - food, meh.
• This time - good wholesome quality food is appealing.  Last time - junk.
• This time - gassy gassy gassy.  Last time - not gassy...but then again, nothing was passing...  :)
• This time - freezing cold skin while my core feels like it's boiling.  And even though my skin is cold as cold can be, I am sweating like crazy.  Which, of course, makes my skin even colder.  UGH.  I am a boiling hot frozen mess.  That makes no sense.  I'm walking around making my friends feel my arms...look, I'm cold - but I'm sweating.  They are baffled, too.  My core feels hot on the inside, though, so I understand the sweating but the cold skin is just annoying.  Last time - no change.  I wasn't hotter OR colder. 

I am at 5 weeks a few days right now.  My hCG beta levels continued to rise through Monday "like a textbook pregnancy" but my progesterone has continually dropped.  So I'm supplementing EVEN MORE.  I have my first ultrasound next Monday and will see my doc for my "New OB" appt on April 5th.  So long as everything is fine on Monday, then I think my stress might drop a bit.

Husband and I are scared.  While it's different this time and, oddly, even just "feels" better...it's still scary.  I REALLY do not want to repeat what happened last time.  I really don't.  I like having my happy self back.  I like thinking that our lives are going to change drastically by the end of this year.  I think one of the coolest things that has changed this time, though, is that I am so totally in the moment.  I am not excited about what is to come.  I, instead, am pleased about what's happening right now.  That was not the case with the previous pregnancy.

In other news, my PCP sent me to an endocrinologist, whom I saw yesterday.  He's a riot.  I really really like this guy.  I took all my lab results to him from my PCP and my neurologist.  He complimented the neuro because she tested everything.  I mean, they pulled 12 vials.  She tested everything.  Well, not really, cause when those results came back - I had to go back to the lab for more testing.  But he was pleased with what he saw.

He said:

1. I'm super healthy.  Based on the numbers he was seeing for things like glucose, creatine, WBC, RBC - and all the basics - that I obviously take very good care of my body.
1. Wow, thank you for telling me that.
2. Based on the numbers for some other tests, my body was not the cause of the miscarriage.  Because of the timing of the miscarriage, essentially when the baby's endocrine system would have been taking over for the baby, well it was probably a "chromosomal incompatibility" and there wasn't anything I could have done differently. 
1. I further that to say my body took care of me.  I know that happens with pregnancies.  Sometimes the mother's body recognizes that the baby will kill you if it doesn't naturally abort.
2. Somehow, that's given me some peace.
3. I definitely have an endocrine system problem.  For the pregnancy, he won't treat it because my problem is hyper and for pregnancy we want hyper.  After the pregnancy, he probably will.
4. My problem explains my weight problem.  It explains my heart palpitations.  It explains my itchy skin.  IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
5. I love this guy!

So, I alluded to my problem, weight problem, that is, being a two component thing on Monday.  One component was definitely me.  It was my protection measure after being raped.  I let it pile on - and assumed when I was ready, I'd decide to drop it and I would.  That didn't happen.  The other component, though, I always claimed was hormones.  I have proof, now.

My TSH has always been wacky.  It's either been low or just barely inside the normal range.  I mean like, normal range, depending on the tester, is considered .45-4.5 - and I'd be .45.  I've always been low or just barely normal.  So my problem has been there since I was 22.  That was the first time I asked for a TSH.

The miscarriage might have actually done me a favor.  It threw my thyroid even further into wacky.  Thyroid and pituitary gland, that is, since the pituitary gland creates TSH which the thyroid responds to.  He said part of what's been going on for the past three months or so is "post partum thryoiditis" and it eventually would have resolved.  However, add to that my wackiness, and, well, there's more issues than the thyroiditis.

Anywho.  I like this guy.  He took more blood, did an EKG and wanted to scan me but decided we know enough as is to know I'm screwy so the scan wasn't worth the price - and of course, I'm pregnant so the type of scans were limited anyway (his only option was ultrasound).

I have answers.  That's huge!  I can't tell you how happy that makes me.  Not to know that I am wacky - but to at least know that there is something logical behind the wackiness.  Peace.  That's what I found.  I like logic!

That's about all I got.  As you know, weightloss gets to stop again - as if I was doing anything to try and lose, anyway.  It's funny to read blogs about "I lost x since last Friday" or "I'm just not losing" and I can't sympathize anymore.  I remember that from last time, feeling left out/left behind.  But it's all good.  I'll take this detour and I'll pray that my detour is positive this time and I know that I will be able to lose more on the other side.  I'm more than halfway there - something I was not when I was pregnant last time.  So, without trying, progress was made.  I am staying in onederland and I can eat and I can take care of my body.

In a last little bit of news that just occurred to me...well, last time, I kinda just never really felt well.  I was on this so called verge of everything going wrong, was what it felt like.  And it was enough to make me not want to lift weights.  This time, I feel well.  And I suspect my itchy skin might be the result of insane cortisol levels.  (Stress anyone?)  Since I can't deal with the itchy skin as I have been the past four months or so, well, why not add back weightlifting to deal with cortisol control?  Wouldn't that be fantastic if weightlifting led to happy skin again?

No one has tested cortisol yet - but it's tied to the endocrine system, which we know is wacky, so um, do we have to test this?  My skin tells enough of the story for me...

That's about all I got.  I hope y'all are having a fantastic week and I hope y'all really enjoy St. Paddy's Day!

03/14/11: My news

I know that everything happens for a reason.  I also know that God has a plan.  Our doctor (my ob/gyn) told us at the beginning of last month, which coincided with the beginning of my cycle, that we had the green light to start trying again.  Two weeks later, another doctor (my neurologist) said "stop trying".  And we did.  One week later, our doctor (my ob/gyn) agreed, stop trying. 

The neurologist's order was apparently already too late.  We did stop trying the day she said those words.  The day she said those words coincided with when I ovulated.

Oops.

Or rather.

God has a plan!

I needed to wait to share the news until my blood work came back.  It was confirmed on Friday.  I am retesting beta levels every other day until I get to 1000 and then they will start the ultrasounds.  I know our doctor (my ob/gyn) is going to help (as much as he can) us avoid a repeat of what happened last time.

As for all my incision issues and whatnot...well, I'll be.  It all has essentially cleared up!  The incision still itches, at times, like normal, but the rest of the rashes all around my body have gone away.  I have been able to stop all ointments/creams/pills and am only taking my progesterone supplement and pre-natal vitamin.  I happened to see my PCP last Thurs about the abnormal TSH results and he said it's not surprising that it's all cleared up.

Regarding the abnormal TSH results, well, it's probably hypopituitarism.  Given that I have a number of hormones that are generated by the pituitary gland that are low, well, it really has to be that.  Chances are, for me, I was born this way. 

That's interesting to me.  I always claimed my weight problem (there are two aspects to my weight problem and one I controlled, the other I did not) was tied to hormones.  My TSH has always been low but no other hormones have ever been tested so this never went anywhere.  So my PCP is sending me to an endocrinologist who will probably do something about this.  My PCP's thinking was that the previous pregnancy/miscarriage was finally enough to send my pituitary gland over the edge, dropping lab results even more.  And given that my ob/gyn has started testing my progesterone all the time, well, another piece of the puzzle finally fits.

My PCP told me all of whatever the endo does should actually help my weightloss efforts.  Most specifically, it should help me avoid regaining if we can get my pituitary gland controlled.

Interesting.  Makes me wonder why, since insurance companies require so much at the get-go to the lap-band procedure, why don't they test out hormonal problems?

So, there's my news.  I should be in for my first ultrasound before this week is over.  My hCG, so far, is doubling every 48 hours (or so) just like they want to see.  If it holds, I'll hit 1000 tomorrow and then they'll let me schedule the ultrasound.  I see the endocrinologist on Weds and I'm actually hoping to be able to schedule the ultrasound for that afternoon, too.  I want to not impact work every day if I can help it - and this morning I had to.  The lab was so insanely busy that it took me almost an hour to get checked in!  Just checked in!  I was almost 3 hours late to work today...

My ob/gyn is actually on vacation right now but his office - the other doctors and the nurses and even the front office - haven't missed a beat in making sure I am being taken care of.  I look forward to him returning so I can get together with him and get his opinions on all that's been going on.  I feel like everything is ok - but I really want to hear him say that.

To say that my husband and I are excited is a weird sort of statement that I simultaneously agree and disagree with.  We are both being cautious, this time,  it seems.  I know that when we see a heartbeat, we are going to go crazy with excitement.  I know that when we pass 9 weeks, we'll get even more excited.  I think, like I said, we are just really being cautious right now.  The fact that I can get pregnantly, apparently pretty damned easily, makes our hearts and minds happy right now.  Now I just need to see and feel my body behave.  Only time will tell, on that one...

Now for some odd bits.  The due date - puts the delivery of this baby around about the day I had my D&C last year.  I have a weird sort of ability of being able to turn "days associated with bad memories" into "days associated with amazing blessings".  The day I was raped - became the day I met my husband.  The day my mom died, i.e. mother's day, became my wedding anniversary (no, I didn't schedule it on purpose, I realized it a couple of months after we booked everything).  There are more...although these two are the most substantial.  So, can I turn Nov 12th into the greatest blessing of my life?

And that's my news.  Have a great week, y'all!!!

03/10/11: Just so you know

I have to go quiet for a few days.  I have huge news but I have to get a few more things lined up before I share.  And I know me - I can't blog about anything without spilling the beans on this huge news...so, in the meantime, well, I'ma be quiet.

Just so you know.  I'll still be reading and commenting, though.  That I promise.

And if you're wondering just how long, well I don't know to be exact.  I'd be willing to bet I can blog what I wanna on Monday.  But I can't really guarantee it - it's just a bet right now - and I'm a gambling gal....for whatever that's worth.

In the meantime, I hope y'all have a great weekend!!!

03/08/11: I just can't catch a break

I have a blog all written called "Turning corners" that my brain so desperately wants to post.  My body, however, is just not onboard with it yet.  Hopefully tomorrow things will be different.  I keep thinking that.  Every day.

I just can't catch a break.  That's what it all feels like.  I finally moved towards accepting this incision crap with the accompanying reaction and the questionable TSH results and the other questionable hormone results.  I said to myself, yesterday, just move on.  And then I caught a cold.  A stupid little measely cold, but my energy is already non-existent and couple that with a cold, and, well, hopefully tomorrow things will be different.

That was yesterday.

Today, my doc calls.  PCP, to be exact.  He says, or rather, his nurse says, I need to come back.  They retested my TSH results and they are still low so we are going to chase this down.

My TSH results are dreadfully low.  My T3 and T4, however, are normal.  So this means the problem is with my pituitary gland and not my thyroid.  My progesterone is low, too.  That, also, can be blamed on my pituitary.  Hypopituitarism does not sound like fun.  I don't want to go to this appt and learn this is my new life.

I don't want to.

I just want a break!  Is it really all that much to ask for?  I want to not have an incision issue.  I want to not have a reaction of some sort that has now spread to my face.  I want to feel good!  I want my energy back!  I want no headache!  I want my life pre-miscarriage.  The one where I had energy, felt good, and even felt like hope was an option I had!

I want to move on.  I really really really do.  I'm desperate to, actually.  I'm so sick of this.

I thought this week was going to be good - doctor free, type of good.  Nope, two appts.  One tomorrow, one thurs.  The one on thurs should give me answers about this TSH issue.

In a minor smidge of good news, when my PCP retested my TSH, he also tested me for allergies - and I have no food allergies.  I didn't think I did - he didn't either - he wanted to rule them out and I was kinda curious.  But sure enough, no allergies.  So at least it's not food causing my problems.  I'd have hated learning I needed to go gluten-free.  I'm actually doing very little gluten nowadays anyway, but I want my options - that's all.

Anywho.  I am getting sad.  That's all I know.  I am beginning to struggle to be able to find reasons to smile.  I crawled in the bathtub the other night to relax and once I did, all I could do was cry.  I hate the direction my life is moving in.  I simply hate it.  I need resolution quick because I hate that not only am I impacting my husband, but my job, too.  I don't know how much longer my employer will deal with this.

I told my husband, it's simultaneously a relief that my lab results are still low but also depressing because of what the potential implications are.  Oddly, I am relieved there is something wrong - not just, hey doc, something's weird but I don't know what.  Like taking your car to the mechanic cause you "heard a funny noise", but then, of course, the car runs fine and the mechanic looks at you like you're nuts.  Well, at least my doc's aren't thinking I'm nuts.  But it's sad.  I want none of this.  I want healthy.  I want feel-good.  I want energy - the energy I always had, even when I weighed 70 lbs more.  I want to be on my weightloss journey, not chasing down answers/reasons why I just never feel good.  I want to not itch, I want no reaction, I want none of this.

Sigh.

I'm just sad. 

Can I just have a break?

03/07/11: Happy Birthday Mom

My mom would be turning 62 years old today.  So young.  It's hard to believe she's already been gone for seven years - well, coming up on seven years in May.

My mom was a beautiful person.  She was eleven when her dad died and found herself in charge of her six younger brothers and sisters.  The youngest sibling was one year old - and she still thinks of my mom, her sister, as her own mom.  My grandmother had to literally sue the state to retain custody of her children and that court battle took three years.  When it was declared my grandmother could have her own kids - cause you know, women in the 50's didn't have the same rights and "privileges" as we do now and the state she lived in said "single women may not have custody of children" - she took those kids as far away from that state as she could.  She took them to a place where she, as a single woman, or, more specifically, a widower, had rights.  And that was California.

Once my mom and family was in California, away from grandparents and aunts and uncles, it literally fell on my mom to care for her siblings as my grandmother went off to work (as a journalist).  My mom saw to it that her brothers and sisters had clothes (she sewed it all), she fed them, made them do their homework, kept them safe, took them to Dr's appts, drove them to school, etc.  She was 14.

My mom was the mom.

When my mom turned 18, she was shown the door.  My grandmother didn't have a lot of money to play with and feeding another person that was technically now capable of taking care of herself made no sense.  So my mom moved to LA and enrolled in nursing school.

My mom finished her nursing degree at 21 and met my dad the same year.  They dated a few years and were married.  Funny stories there, but I'll save that for future blogs.  And eventually, I joined the picture.

My mom took care of me in every way possible.  She was my mother and my ally and my greatest cheerleader as I grew up.  She taught me how to bake and cook.  She kept me active and fed me with health and nutrition at the forefront.  There are so many things that I know now that I did not know at the time that she died to attribute to her success.  Each year, I learn just how important my mom was in my life.  If I can be half the woman she was, I'll be a wonderful person.

When I turned 18 and struck out on my own by joining the Navy, our relationship took on a new tone.  We moved towards a friendship.  By the time I was around about 22, she was by far, the best friend I'd ever had.  She used to say she loved watching me evolve into my grown up self and just simply found me interesting.  Once I was privy to being her friend, I felt the same towards her.  She paid me two of the greatest compliments I can think of when, first, she asked what I thought of her getting her RNP - whether she was worth it, whether she'd be good at it.  I prompted her to do so - as did my step-dad - I also told her she was worth whatever dream she had (something my dad used to say the opposite to).  And she was good at it.  Furthermore, she enjoyed it immensely.  The other compliment was refusing to marry my step-dad until I could be there.  She came to Illinois to see me and to ask for my blessing.  I said she had it but that I wanted to be at the wedding.  My step-dad later told me that made my mom's year as she knew I meant it when I gave my blessing and wanted to witness it.  My own "step-brothers" just said "whatever".

If my mom were still alive, I'm sure she would still be resisting retirement.  She loved her job - loved working with the patients and getting to know them.  In her capacity, it was actually easy to develop friendships and she did so often.  I'm also sure she would still be traveling everywhere.  Once a year, my mom and I would get in a car and drive.  We'd also fly off to some foreign country and explore.  She'd also do the same with my step-dad.  (Yeah, she earned a ton of vacation!)  I know, if she were still alive, that she'd love my husband.  And I'm certain he'd love her, too.  I also think he'd understand me more. 

While I say she'd love him and vice versa, I also know that if she were still alive, I'd be a different person.  I don't know that I would have made my career change - which led me to my husband.  (I met him through a coworker.)  I don't know that I'd live where I live and have the neighbors that I do.  My life could be totally different if she were still alive.  Her death was a turning point in my life - as was joining the Navy, graduating from college, and so on and so forth.  My husband used to ask me if I'd go through all I've gone through again - if I knew it meant I'd get to meet him.  And the answer is yes.  It's a sad yes, but it's a yes.

I will always wish that I could have had them both, my mom and my husband, at the same time.  There is a hole in my heart that will never be healed where my mom should be.  Losing my mom early was certainly not in my lifeplan.  My mom and I both planned on me being in my 60's - along with decades of travel, lots of love, lots of laughing, lots of shopping, spoiled grand-kids.  Hell, we even talked about buying an acre and building two houses there so that we could be neighbors.  I, or more specifically, my husband, could send her home, in this dream.  This just wasn't the plan.

My mom would be a very young 62 today.

I love you, Mom!

(It ain't no joke - if you are 50, get your colonoscopy, please!)

03/04/11: Have another dose of hurry up and wait

For starters...what a difference a year makes.  Check out the blog from 03/04/10.  I don't feel like or think I have that enthusiasm anymore.  Sad.

I think I can honestly say, knowing what I know now, that I'm not sure I ever should have been banded.  I needed something to get my mind in the game...but given the problems I have had since surgery, well the price I am paying is far greater than the results I am getting.

I am not into it like I was through the summer.  That pregnancy/miscarriage really took it out of me.  Couple that with the on-going incision crap as well as hormones from hell, and, well, I am not putting in any effort.  I guess I should be thankful that the band is helping me to not regain any weight.  But I am at a point, I see now, that being thankful for this turmoil is just not something I can do.

Anyway, all that to say, I just don't have the enthusiasm about "my new life" like I did this time last year.  My new life doesn't really seem to be better.  In fact, I have traded trouble-free health...for 3-4 doctor's visits a week.

My PCP, Ob/Gyn, and Derm all say that it's no surprise that my surgeon washed his hands of this.  Apparently, according to all three of them, that's what surgeons do.  They want all the credit for healing and curing and fixing and solving.  But they want none of the credit for the little odds and ends of things that can come up because of slicing and dicing on someone's body.

My surgeon probably did heal me in some ways.  And this incision issue is all me - it has nothing to do with his talents or skills.  If I do go the route of having the band removed, I won't be going back to him.

So I suppose  you want the update - since yesterday was a solid block of Doctor's appts.

Ob/Gyn = don't try to get pregnant.  We'll revisit that in May, probably.  Too many loose ends but headache relief might, might, be in sight.  Won't know until next month...

(month meaning cycle, so it will really be this month that I get an answer...)

Derm = I am having an allergic reaction to something.  It could be any of the myriad of pills I now have to take to deal with all the symptoms.  But, given that I have not taken all of these pills since surgery, really, have only been taking them since January - and this reaction goes back to May - well, it's probably the band I'm reacting to.  We are actually hopeful that the unfill from Monday was a good thing.  May be my body is super sensitive to restriction and not necessarily to the band.  So we are going to watch it for a month to see how it goes.  After the unfill on Monday and coupled with the cream and pill I am now taking to deal with the symptoms, well, the rash is gone on my stomach and fading in most other spots on my body.  The itching is still incredible...but the appearance is better.  Anywho...hurry up and wait.

PCP = TSH is probably not an issue.  Like I said last week and I think once or twice this week, too, the fact that my T3 and T4 were both perfectly normal means my thyroid is fine.  There may be something going on with my pituitary gland...but it's also feasible that the allergic reaction - and the resultant antibodies - is causing something to be skewed, too.  Get the allergic reaction under control and I'm probably fine.  My PCP wanted to redo the test and see if we could replicate the results.  When I showed him what's left of the rash and the crazy scarring with the incisions, he then wanted to do a food allergy panel - and just to be certain, lets do the respiratory allergy panel, too.  So those results will be back in a few days and they'll just call me.

In the meantime, I actually don't have any follow-ups again until April!  Woohoo!  That's something to celebrate!

I find no humor in how pathetic my life has gotten.  I do not like to live at the doctor's offices.  I love all these people that are trying to help me but I cannot wait to be rid of them.  I am sick of this.  Absolutely and totally sick of this.

I want to find a way to make the band work.  That much I know.  I have been run through the ringer with a plethora of little things and through it all, I've not gained anything back.  I think in my pre-banded life, the plethora would have been good for at least twenty pounds.

I like my current "restriction".  It's so crazy that so much fluid had to be taken out.  But I am certainly not wide open right now.  I was too tight for too long and never should have resisted that.  Funny for that to cause a rash!  With my current restriction, well, I gurgle and burp "just right".  There's a way you gurgle and burp when you are filled "correctly" and apparently, over the last eleven months, I have learned which sounds are good and even ideal and which sounds may very well mean we are headed for trouble.  Anywho, the sounds I am hearing right now are of the good and ideal variety - for me. 
It's odd, too, though.  Last night we had pulled pork with my homemade bbq sauce and cole slaw.  I can't stand cole slaw most of the time so I literally just had pork with my bbq sauce on top.  My hubby does the sandwich, I don't.  Anywho, I served up what looked like 4ozs of meat - you know, proper size for anyone, let alone a bandster.  As a bandster, that's what I should  be able to eat.  The band should stop me from eating more.  Yeah...have you ever measured out 4ozs of pulled pork?  It's a ton!  I couldn't eat it all.  But I probably ate at least twice as much as I would have this time last week.

Next week I get to start my weight-lifting again!  I am excited about that!  Our roomies will be out of there and the house will be all ours again!  I am surprised to learn that I really don't want people seeing me while working out.  But I suspect it's more of a case by case thing - and in this case, this friend will "coach" me...even though she'll probably only be telling me to do what I already do - and then she'll take the credit when it works.  Nope.  The credit will be mine.  I put my program together, I know what my body responds to, I know what my brain enjoys, I did this to me!  I WILL TAKE the credit.  Not up for negotiation!   So I won't work out in front of her, around her, with her, etc.  We can walk together.  But the lifting weights - that's all mine!

Sigh....

There's more to say there but I won't.  I've already said too much.

Finally...if there are any people reading this that are contemplating the band - I think my case is actually a sound reason why the band should be pursued and not another type of WLS.  Here's why.

My body is responding to something - most likely how food is processed now.  Any WLS changes how food is processed.  The band is restrictive.  Bypass is malabsorptive.  The sleeve is restrictive AND malabsorptive.  So on and so forth.  Apparently immunological responses to WLS are common.  But the only one that is reversible - thereby removing the source of the problem - is the band.  If it winds up having to go that route for me, well, I am still intact and not screwed.  I did ask yesterday how this would be different if it were bypass - and the answer there is it's like Crohn's Disease - you just treat the symptoms for life.  In my case, taking out the band will almost assuredly solve my problems.  It's also why, though, I cannot consider the sleeve or bypass or anything else.  The issue is most likely not (and I mean, like 99% not) the band itself but just simply how food is processed.  My body doesn't want anything other than how nature made it.  We are hopeful that it's fill level and not overall processing.  If it's fill level, then it means I am sensitive to food being held in the stoma - and if fill level is too tight, then food stays too long in the stoma.  If I am just right or even too loose, then food can move through - and my body is happy.

There is no way of knowing, unfortunately, whether you'll have an immunological response to WLS.  But if you do and you've done something permanent, well, that's tough.  Only the band is reversible.  That's key to me - it always has been.

(And even though it's reversible, it's still not.  There will always be scar tissue....)

I am glad I tried it and I am praying I get to keep it.  If I can get this all resolved and settled - then I think I will get my enthusiasm back, too.  Right now, though, it's all just exhausting.  I just never feel good anymore.  70 pounds down and I've never felt worse.  Yay me!

03/02/11: Wow

I reread my blog yesterday.  Sure sounds like I'm drama.  I swear that I am not.  I avoid drama like the plague.  I don't like causing it and I don't like being around people that do like to cause it.  I realize that drama happens sometimes, though...

Anywho.

I am definitely tired of this drama.  This roller coaster, as another put it.  This everything. 
I am.  Just.   So.    Tired.     Of.      It.

Drama happens sometimes, though.  In every other aspect of my life, I am not letting people know just how much this is bothering me.  Trying to absorb all the drama.  But it's coming out in my blog.  And that's great.  That's what my blog is for.  A place to be honest and real without sucking the energy out of my friends and family.  They want what's best for me - but I am seeing it in my husband...as hard as this is on me, it's also incredibly hard on him.  He just wants me to feel better.  I love him for wanting that.  He wants to fix it.  I love him for wanting that.  He is more powerless in this than I am.  It's such a weird place to be - to know my health is paying a price...but to not be able to just push a button and fix it.  I wish it could be that easy.

Anywho.  I got the impression yesterday that some of you feel like my drama is becoming too much drama.  I am sorry to be dragging you down.  I seriously wish that I was not!  No matter what - I am so incredibly grateful that y'all are there to lift my chin and stand behind me.  This will turn around!  That I know.  I don't know what it's going to take and I don't know how much longer this drama will last - but I know it will get better.  I will get better. 

I pray that I'll be getting better with the band.

Anywho.  See.  Drama!  Dangit!

Ronnie - I would have loved to join you.  Let me know next time y'all get together and we might make that a weekend to head back to Dallas.

Many of you said you hope that I continue to feel better.  Well...so far...I felt 150% better yesterday than in comparison to Monday.  Today - I feel the same as yesterday.  Still not anywhere near as close to 100% as I'd like to be.  Headache is still there.  Achey, bleh and lethargy is still there.  But I also know - like taking Vitamin B12 - it takes about 6 weeks of taking that regularly to really feel it's effects (if taking sublingual tablets, not shots)...so being able to eat and get nutrients in isn't going to immediately fix itself, either.  Like not eating while sick with flu or food poisoning, for example, it takes awhile to really get back to full strength.  I'm just glad, at this point, that I'm not feeling worse.

I'd love to think the headache is going to, or could, be cured by an unfill - but, well, headache is still there.

Amandakiska - allergic to sutures idea...if it was that, well, it might have been once upon a time.  But prevailing literature and medical professionals opinions plus the makers of the suture material that was used for me all say that by 4-6 months post-op the sutures have dissolved and been absorbed.  I am now 11 months out.  It might once have been a point of contention but it's now beyond it's window of feasibility.

I have a whole gaggle of Dr.'s appts tomorrow.  First is with my ob/gyn.  At one point he saw the rash and his comment is "wow, what is that?"  I told him I'd been working with my dermatologist to figure it out and that stifled the conversation.  I want to see where a conversation with him might go about this - see if he's ever seen hormones do this before.  I also want his input on getting pregnant with this.  We are taking the month of March off, anyway, so it will be April before we try again...I just want his thoughts so that when it does get to April, well, there should be answers all around.  My neuro said "I wouldn't try while dealing with that rash" but I wanna hear that from my ob/gyn, I guess.  I really like and trust my ob/gyn.  Such a complete turn around from my original gyn...but I think I would honestly consider my ob/gyn my PCP.  He is who I want to turn to first in my head.  So, with that said, I also want to talk to him about my crazy TSH result.

Second is with my Dermatologist.  They called on Monday and said the biopsy does point to an allergic reaction.  I'll be curious to hear how we might pin down what I'm reacting to.  I really pray it's not the band.  And I feel like there's hope that it isn't because they put me on another topical steroid to deal with the itching and everything looks better than it has in a long time.  I'm wondering if the steroid ointment I was using was what was making the reaction so bad!

Third is with my PCP.  That is to follow-up on the TSH results as well as I'd like to update him on the headaches.  Sadly, I think he thought I was drug-seeking when I presented with the headaches and I want to clarify for him - no, I do not want drugs!  I want to find the source of the problem and fix that!  Drugs, generally, treat symptoms, they, generally, don't fix the problem.  I don't like just treating symptoms.  Sometimes it is what it is...like in this case, it's hormones - and fixing it would be putting me on birth control - which would just create another problem - namely, would make it hard to get pregnant!

Anywho, I hope there will be some answers tomorrow.  I'm fairly certain that either my ob/gyn or my PCP will order a new TSH test to see if that result is repeatable.  The fact that my T3 and T4 were both perfectly normal makes the TSH result very weird.  So we shall see.

And really, that's about all that's going on with me.  I could have just written "same ol' same ol'" and you'd have known all this - cause it seems like all I talk about nowadays.  But it is what it is.  :)

In some great news - hubby and I were invited by a friend and his girlfriend to join them at the Houston Rodeo tonight.  This will probably be the only time we go to the rodeo this year...so it should be fun.  It's early in the competition so the rodeo action will probably be hit or miss - but it's all fun to watch, anyway!  And the performer we get to see tonight is Trace Adkins.  Should be a great performance.  We are really looking forward to it.

Well y'all...Happy Hump Day!  I am really looking forward to this weekend.  Should be a great weekend for "if I feel like it" types of stuff.  If I decide to sand down and clean the teak furniture - great.  If I decide to clean out the two remaining garden beds that still need to be cleaned out - great.  If I decide to then plant veggies and such in those garden beds that are clean - great.  If I decide to sleep til noon - great.  If I decide to sit around on the couch all day and watch movies - great.  Whatever it is I do this weekend (and hubby, too!) will be because I feel like it.  I love weekends like this!

03/01/11: Yikes

What a crazy weekend!

Friday afternoon...I knew I was in trouble.  NOTHING went down on Friday.  Water was questionable.  By the time I realized I was in trouble (about 4pm) it was too late to do anything about it.  I vowed to myself to work hard on water over the weekend and prayed that "Lady" would relax.

Saturday was no better.  We actually went to Dallas this weekend for our niece's baptism.  Or rather, Fort Worth.  We ran around the Dallas/FW metroplex on Saturday with a bit of time spent in Grapevine's downtown area as well as a stop at Chefpoint Cafe for lunch.  Saturday night was dinner at BIL-SIL's house as all the rest of the out-of-towner's (everyone else) arrived Sat evening.

So, for starters, breakfast at BIL-SIL's house - scrambled eggs and bacon.  No go.

We then got dressed and ready and by the time we were leaving, it was lunch time - Chefpoint Cafe.  This place is a place my hubby and I saw on Diner's Drive-in's and Dives a couple years ago.  My hubby called his brother to see if he'd ever heard of it and the response was "yeah, it's just around the corner from me".  So what is it?  It's a guy that owns a gas station and has a four star menu/cafe inside.  The owner is actually a Nigerian immigrant and when he got to the US, he asked for a loan to start an upscale restaurant.  He was told no because "he didn't have any restaurant experience" but they would be happy to give him the funds to start up a gas station.  So he did.  And as part of his "convenience store" there's this upscale cafe with an amazing menu.

Yeah, I couldn't eat any of it.  I tried a few bites of my hubby's crab cakes and it all came back up.

I kept on the fluids but...yeah, not much went down.  For every 3oz's I drank, 2oz's would come back up.

Dinner was more of the same.  My SIL made a homemade goat cheese lasagna which was fantastic.  It came back up, too.

In an effort to get something in, Saturday night I had a little thing of Activia Light.  I so hate light/fake foods but I wanted/needed something and thought  yogurt had the best chance of anything in getting through.  I will never eat that stuff again - at least not the Light.  It was so incredibly fake!  Anywho, I'm not sure how much went down as I was choking on it in my sleep all night Saturday night.

Fun times!

Sunday I didn't even try breakfast.  I did have a few bites of fajitas at the party following our niece's baptism.  Yep - back up.  Once on the road and headed for home, we stopped at Collins Street Bakery and I got a bowl of soup.  I was able to get that down.

So, Monday morning, alarm goes off.  I know that the place where I had my surgery doesn't really open until 8 for fills but that they do open at 6 for surgery.  So at 7:30, I called for an appt.  I said I have not been able to eat for four days and I needed an unfill.  I was basically told, just whenever you get here we'll squeeze you in.  So I showered and got ready and we headed out.

I got there at 9 and was finally seen at 11.  I'm so very glad they could get me in.

I actually wanted to go back to this place in spite of what I think of my "surgeon" because I wanted the fluoroscopy - which is standard with every fill.  I knew I wouldn't be seeing my surgeon and I like 2 of the RNP's there a lot.

Anywho, they did the initial image and sure enough - completely closed off.  I mean, not even a pinprick hole.  Nothing was going through.  The RNP I saw yesterday was the one I did my "unweightloss" program with and it was great to see her - haven't seen her in nearly a year.  She said "let's start with 1cc and see where we need to go from there".  I was actually going to ask for 1cc to be removed - somehow, it felt like it was "that big" of a problem.

So she took the 1cc out and they took another picture.  Everything was flowing fine in that image and she proclaimed "now that should be perfect restriction".  This RNP is banded herself - so she probably knows such things firsthand!

I am telling myself that for yesterday and today I can eat whatever the hell I want and as much as I want of it - not forcing anything in.  But if I want a 1/4 cup of almonds instead of 1tbsp, fine, eat em.  Tomorrow I put the reigns back on.  It was interesting watching myself yesterday and even today, so far - I am still making great choices even though I've given myself license to do whatever the hell I want.

Anywho, the whole thing has me thinking.  This crazy headache, this allergic reaction, all of it - is it from being too tight for too long?

Here's how it all played out.

Dec 4th - I got a fill.  I was about two weeks out from having the D&C and was able to eat a horse - and I was.  So I got a fill of 0.5cc's which put me at a whopping 4.7cc's in a 10cc band (sarcasm).

Month of December - I was fine.  I couldn't eat salad but other than that, I could eat normal, reasonable amounts.  Raw veggies were too hard for the effort but cooked veggies were fine...but other than a few nuances like that, no real restrictions - save the salad which just would not go through.  Even bread, if eaten slowly and chewed well, would still go through.

Month of January - hormones from hell kicked in.  I started to notice that I was reversing.  Before, I was hungriest in the evening and not hungry at all for breakfast time.  In January, that flip-flopped.  Before, I was tightest around (.) time and loosest around ovulation.  In January, that flip-flopped.  I also noticed my serving sizes dropped but I still felt like I was eating plenty.  January, around about the time that serving sizes dropped, is also when the headache started.

(See where I'm going with this yet?)

Now, in January, one thing to point out - leading up to ovulation time - very very tight.  Very restricted, very small servings, very easily wound up regurgitating everything.  For four to five days prior to ovulation - dinner was almost impossible to eat - most all of it came back up - but the rest of the meals were fine.  Then I ovulated and the hormones flopped from estrogen dominant to progesterone dominant.  The band relaxed and I was almost able to eat a horse.  I actually went out to dinner with hubby one night and, upon discovering I could eat it all, tested it even further to learn I could swallow a potato chunk with just one chew - and it went through.  At that point, I scheduled myself a fill appt.

Ok, so now, lets look at February.  At that time that I started my (.), well, the band tightened up.  But not drastically so, initially.  But Lady stayed closed for awhile.  The tighter Lady got...the worse the headache got...the worse my "allergic reaction" got.  It all culminated with this weekend - when I was unable to get anything in.  Problem is - I ovulated middle of last week.  Which means that, if I was replicating last month, I should be wide open by now, the headache should be gone by now - and the allergic reaction, something that has always ebbed and flowed since it started, should be ebbing right now.

And none of it was ebbing/relaxing.  It was all just getting worse!

So, unfill it is.  I'll be curious to see if the allergic reaction calms down now or if the headaches lessen.

Here's why I think they might.

If I had a pinprick hole for food/fluids to go through - and not much was going through, well, that's a headache right there.  Not enough nutrients equals not feeling good - which usually starts with a headache, eh?

Let's take that one further.  If all food could do was literally sit in the stoma, well, food isn't meant to sit there.  It is meant to move through - albeit slowly, it is meant to move.  And in my case, it was sitting there for, sometimes, hours before letting me know it needed to come back up.

I will just be curious to see.

Based on 24 hours of freedom being returned, I can say, I feel 150% better than this time yesterday - and there is still more room for improvement.  The headache is not gone but it is less than it has been for awhile.

So, I think I was too tight for too long.  I was able to eat and so I wasn't stressing it.  But I wasn't able to eat enough.

Truth is, it probably is partially the band being too tight - and also partially the incredibly whacky hormones.  To me, the hormones caused this whole thing.  What they took out yesterday undoes the fill from December 4th as well as the rest of the fill from June.  My fill level today is what it was six weeks after surgery.  That's insane.

They scheduled me to come back in a month so that we can revisit fills if needed without me struggling to get an appt in a month if I find I'm then starving.  Somehow, I doubt I will be.  And even if I am - my mindset now is that I'll use exercise to "fill me up" - just like I did over the summer.  I never ever ever want to repeat "letting the band do all the work".  I want absolutely no foods on my do not eat list.  I want to rely on myself to know that I don't need to eat carbs with dinner because our smoothie for breakfast already has plenty.  I did this once, the whole willpower thing - and given my journey with the band so far - that's been my favorite era.  The era when my band was a subtle reminder - but it didn't rule me.

In other news, my Derm called yesterday and the biopsies are showing an allergic reaction.  Now the question is what is causing it.  I pray it's not the band.  I really don't want to lose it.  I really don't want surgery again.  I really just want to move forward with my life and get this incision dealt with!  I am really really hoping that this unfill can help this whole situation!  If this issue is where food sits - and not materials - then an unfill should help!  From what I know and research I've done, it's improbable that it's materials - so I'm praying that the unfill helps!

Sheesh.  1 whole cc...my mind just can't wrap around that.  It'd be one thing if I recently got a fill of 1cc...but 0.5 was from December (three months ago) and the other 0.5 was from June (nine months ago).  How finicky our bodies can be!