04/24/10: What a Difference

What a differenca a day makes!  What a difference a blog makes!!  What a difference a supportive husband who reads my blog makes!!!  What a difference all my blogger friends make!!!

I wrote yesterday's blog because it was what I was thinking and feeling.  And I'm glad I did.  I would have kept going with thinking and feeling like that but because I put it out there, I have a new perspective and I have support for that perspective.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!

This blog just amazes me.  Say your happy and everyone cheers you on.  Say your sad and everyone cries with you.  Say your a failure and everyone disagrees until the end of the moon with you.  Say you are frustrated and everyone feels your pain.  There is just no way out of it - this is so surprisingly a base aspect of my support system and I love you all!

So...

I am not a failure.  Thank you.

First thing that happens is I get a call from my sweet hubby!  That's him right there with me kissing him.  It's one of my favorite wedding photos as it is his true smile - something he rarely gives to the camera.  And to think he's giving his true happy-as-happy-can-be because I'm kissing him, just makes my heart melt everytime I see it.  I get that smile a lot...but the camera doesn't.  :)

Anywho.  He calls me.  And he says "I didn't know you were feeling that way".  See.  There I go with that "toughness" again.  This from the man that once told his mom, off the cuff, that he wished I didn't talk so much - this was after I said I wished he talked more, sometimes.  I thought that was hilarious.  I still, to this day, give him a hard time about that.  I chatter incessantly.  And I always will.  My mom created that in me.  We used to chatter at each other like there was no tomorrow.  Now I chatter at my husband.  But even amidst all that chatter, and he couldn't believe this, but now knows this to be true, I keep what's at heart all to myself.  And once I've processed something, then and only then, will I chatter away about it.  Like I said, he didn't know that about me at the time, just knew that I chattered.  Now he knows that I do this.  When he made that comment I think we'd been together all of about 6 months...and while we are still learning each other now - always will be - there were a lot of things like that we just didn't know about each other quite yet.

Anywho.  Funny story aside...back to the issue at hand. 

So I said yes.  That yes, it is just bugging me that while I have two sets of instructions (and I also know which set I am supposed to be following), one of which says I should still be on liquids, the other of which says I should be on mushies.  In no way shape or form am I on liquids and I'm only quasi on mushies.  Breakfast and lunch - yes, mushy.  Dinner.  Not so much.  And if I can't follow the post-op instructions, am I really onboard with this band?

He says...hold on.  Stop this now.  And I think about this time there were one or two comments on my blog and so I hadn't really gotten a sense of what y'all were going to tell me - i.e. I'm a failure or, no, chill out, chica, relax.  And I think the overall sense from the blog is chill out, relax.  I think the overall sense is that if I don't question this, then there is a problem.  If I don't do something about this, then there is a problem.

And he says that I am testing things - that's what I do.  He says I am taking it slow slow slow and chewing chewing chewing and trying not to add problems to this.  He says I haven't had any issues and if I had/do, then I will take note and change gears instantly.  He knows this about me, he says.  He says, most importantly to both of us, that I was on the pre-op so long that I feel the need to take control back and I'm trying to be smart about it and take it slow.  He said a lot of things and I had some realizations and it was maybe about a five minute conversation as he had to get back to work.  But it totally changed my thinking.

Here is this man, observing me, watching me, seeing what I am doing day in/day out and who knows what I am supposed to be doing and he's saying, you're being way too hard on yourself, as usual.

So I decided I needed to do some research.  I poured over the internet to find the reason "why" behind this post-op diet.  Is it to ease your stomach back to eating?  Is it to control how you go forth with the band?  Is it a combo of both?

I found some pretty preposterous post-op diets.  Some go as far as 12 weeks!!!!  Liquids for four, mushies for six and then add one solid food item a day until you are eating predominantly solids.  HOLY COW!!!

But in the midst of finding some fairly laughable diets, I discovered that the main reason behind this diet is to protect you.  And the average seems to be 4 weeks - 1 week liquids, 1 week mushies, 1 week mushies/pureed and the 4th week, start adding solid foods in slowly.

And here's why.  It has nothing to do with protecting stitches or allowing the port to heal, from what I found.  Everytime you eat a new food, you don't know how your stomach will tolerate it.  Your stomach is mad, at first, afterall.  And if you can't tolerate the new food - say chicken nuggets - then you will throw it up.  In the first four weeks, throwing up can cause slippage.  Overeating can cause slippage.  So until you know how your band will behave, take it easy and don't push it.

Hmmm.  Except there's me.  Always pushing it.  I mean ALWAYS.  Rules?  What for?  Why?  How do they apply and who do they protect? 

Ok.  So I've researched this.  And then I start to think about me and my case and my situation.  1) I have not thrown up.  I don't want to but I generally have an iron clad stomach.  It's my palette I gotta get past.  2) I am taking it very slow and easy.  I took my first bite of bread, for example, on Thursday night.  It was toasted.  That was why I was willing.  Lightly toasted, but toasted.  I took a very small bite and I chewed and chewed and chewed and chewed.  And then I chewed some more, because I was scared.  And then I chewed some more on top of that until it was liquid.  And when I had no other choice, I finally swallowed.  And I held on for my life because I didn't know what would happen.  And I felt it hit, mid-chest and sit there.  And I almost cried...and then it went down.  I actually heard it hit my stomach and my stomach went "grow-grrrr-garl".  And it was down.  Hmmm...not so bad.  I took another very small bite and I chewed and chewed and chewed and chewed.  And then I chewed some more...but I wasn't so scared this time and I wanted to see what happened if it was mush, not liquid.  And I swallowed.  And it hit.  And it sat there.  And then I felt it go through.  Hmmm...at this level of "non-restriction" bread is still getting through.  So then I dipped it in the olive oil because I figured that might actually help a smidge, too.  Not because it was oil but because of that whole sauce factor.  I would also add that for some reason, this restaurant that toasted this bread was also using stone ground wheat. 

So that was how I discovered bread was ok.  I've done that with every new thing I've tried.  And there was something I tried, last night in fact, that didn't go down well.  And I didn't eat anymore after that first bite.  We went out to dinner again and my husband ordered a steak - a ribeye.  I tried a bite of it - because I wanted to see.  And I ate something more dime sized than nickel sized.  And I chewed and chewed and chewed.  And it went down.  And it sat there.  And it sat there.  And it sat there.  And I thought "well crap".  And then it went down - painfully.  Very very painfully.  So that was it.  Steak is out.  On the same token, we had little tenderloin medallions topped with goat cheese and crab meat for an appetizer.  And the tenderloin was not an issue at all.  So I can eat my filets but not ribeye's.  Ok.  I seem to not be going after steak much anymore, anyway.  I honestly did not want a steak last night, at a steakhouse, where my husband and two friends ordered steak.  I wanted the salmon.  And I got the salmon.  A first for me.  I ate it.  I took it slow.  I chewed the hell out of it.  I ate about 1/3 of what was on my plate and stopped when I was full.

So that's the other thing.  I think.  I'm taking it slow.  I'm testing it.  I'm seeing how the test works before I go on.  I'm making a decision, appropriately, after I see (or feel) the results.  And I'm stopping eating when I'm full.

I have two modes right now.  Breakfast and lunch.  Literally, we are getting the scale out and weighing it.  I have been playing with how much smoothie I get.  A smoothie would be a slider so I know I can do more than I even need to.  So we are weighing it and going lower and lower so that I can see how long the smoothie holds me over.  I want to not get hungry for lunch until around noon.  So how little smoothie works to do that?  I know 12oz made me hungry at noon.   I know 8oz made me hungry at noon.  I believe 6oz was what I had yesterday and I was hungry at noon.  I am doing 6oz for sure for sure today.  I will do 4oz tomorrow.  I think, even if 4oz works, I'm still going to stick with 6oz.  Honestly.  Because this isn't exactly high calorie and it is high protein, plus a lot of nutrients.

And lunch, measure out 4oz of whatever.  Chicken salad, turkey salad, whatever.  Snack.  Measure out 3oz of whatever - and may or may not eat it.

I will be happy when the snack goes away.  I wasn't a snacker, usually, before the band.  I know the snack is because lunch isn't enough.  I know I'm getting away with the smoothie being less because I hate breakfast like I do.  The smoothie is the only thing I've ever found that works before 11am.  If I can eat breakfast at 11am, then I'm all for it, but if I eat real food before 11, I will be sick all day.  No lies, I promise.  But the smoothie...it does not make me sick.  I can put whatever fruit I want in it and I'll be fine.  Add honey, though - and I get sick.  Or sugar.

Anywho.  So breakfast and lunch and snack - get weighed.

And dinner is my other approach.  I am looking at food and thinking, well if this much lunch weighed this many ounces, then on this plate, I should be able to eat this amount here.

In two cases I was able to bring leftovers home and weigh them. The leftovers were half of what I had been served - I ate the other half.  When I weighed the half I brought home - it was 4oz one time and 5oz the other.

I take my bites, testing it.  When the results are ok. I eat.  Slowly.  Chewing the hell out of it.  And when my stomach says done, the fork is down.  It's been a pleasure, really, to have this be happening.  I'd go to Hooter's pre-band and order 10 wings (as that's the lowest amount you can order).  And I'd eat them all.  Now, this week, I went to Hooter's and it was because they have a Weds night special - 10 boneless wings with a half order of french fries for $5.99.  I say half-order of fries but I don't think it was even a half.  It was more like a third.  If you've been there and you've ordered their fries and they come in that little bowl.  Think that bowl and then think maybe a handful from that.  I used to eat a whole order of those fries.  What I had Weds was more than enough.  Anywho.  I had these boneless wings in front of me and I ate one.  In pieces, of course.  And when I got to wing number 5, I was done.  My husband got to his wing number 8 and he was done - not like him, either.  But he's copying me and it is equating to less food for him, too.

So we bring 7 wings home.  I weigh them.  5oz. 

So yes, bad choice.  But my problem with Hooter's on Weds has nothing to do with "hooter's is a bad choice".  My problem is that I shouldn't even be eating solid foods this week and even though I am, I chose Hooter's?  It's that it was solid food, not a good healthy solid food, but it was a solid food when I'm not supposed to be anywhere near solid foods.

I will eat at Hooter's again.  I will not make this a diet of deprivation.  If I eat at Hooter's for 12 out of 1,095 meals, then great.  That means it's just over 1% of my annual meals.  And honestly, I don't think 12 will happen.  If I counted up all the Hooter's visits I had last year it would probably be in the ballpark of 8.  I'm fine with Hooter's on occasion.  I am fine with anything on occasion - this will not be a diet of deprivation.

This will be a diet of wise choices most of the time. 

My issue is not making a wise choice right now, when it just kind of feels like I should be.

But I'm over it.  Because I am taking it slow and testing the waters and no matter what, we all have to do that at some point.  I now know that I am supposed to be easing onto solids so that I do not throw up.  I do feel, even though it's too soon - that I am being easy about it.  And I am adjusting according to how it feels.

But I took my research a step further.  If it was just plain laparascopic surgery, what would the diet be?  12 hours of liquids and then ease back onto foods.  What if it was stomach surgery for cancer?  I mean, they are taking a piece of the stomach out - or maybe even the whole stomach.  3-4 days of clear liquids and as you feel up to it, try solid foods.  Understand that you need to take it easy and that you may throw up because your stomach is mad.

Now this isn't cancer and I didn't have a piece of my stomach removed.  I am soooo not trying to make light of cancer, let alone cancer of the stomach.  I am saying what happens if you, to me, take the worst case scenario of what might be done to the stomach, what would that diet be?  And that diet is understandable.  You want your stomach to wake up from the anesthesia before you start packing food into it.  But...the body is a pretty remarkable thing.  It adapts surprisingly well to a lot of things.

So I think about this.  Knowing that I am just not supposed to be throwing up.  At 4 weeks, are you any less likely to throw up?  Is damage from throwing up going to be any lighter or easier on the band?

So now I've come full circle and I think a little of this is about control.  And that explains why my quack surgeon's diet is so much crazier (to me) than my bariatric center's diet.  My surgeon wants to control me throughout the life of this band.  He gave me instructions that say a few things I am allowed and whole list of everything I cannot possibly even remotely touch.  My bariatric center's instructions said "here's some ideas".

So I'm glad that my surgeon sent me to this bariatric center.  After my follow-up with him on May 12th, I'll go back to my nurse practitioner I like so much.  I can see telling her ALL of what I've done so far.  Every last bit of it.  I can see her reprimanding me for it and I can see us both laughing, too.  I cannot and won't tell my surgeon any of this.  He will lecture me and berate me and tell me I don't get it.  In fact, I think HE doesn't get it.  If I were still going through his private clinic, I don't know that I'd have the options I feel I have.  If I were still going through his private clinic, I think I might end up being a failure.  So I'm glad his nurse practitioner sent me to this national conglomerate of a place where I'm just a number on a page.  Because at the end of the day, I'm more of a person there than I am with that private office. 

Sorry for being so long windered today.  But I worked through a lot in the last 24 hours and I don't want to forget any of it!

04/23/10: hmmm

A couple things today.

1. I drank 4oz of my smoothie this morning and I was stuffed.  I mean, like, I could not take another sip or even remotely try to finish it.  I had to give the rest to my hubby so that it wouldn't get wasted.  I love my smoothie!  That made me sad!
2. I think I'm failing this band miserably already.
3. I've been plugged up since Monday, when I was gushing, and I think if I could get moving again, I will probably lose a lot of weight.
4. I think I'm a failure.
5. I'm beating myself up because I'm eating food - when I'm still supposed to be on liquids.  I'm beating myself up because I didn't do very well on the pre-op diet - when I knew it was temporary.  I'm beating myself up because from where I sit, it appears I'm not really committed to this - and how can I not be committed after going as far as having surgery?
6. I ate bread last night.  Dipped in olive oil.  It was good.  I regret it.
7. I really have no idea what I'm doing and I'm sorry for making it seem like I do.
8. I'm scared.
9. I need help.

So item 1.  That trips me out!  Yesterday I backed down to 8oz (from 12oz on weds) and I wanted to see how long it held me over.  Weds, 12oz, ate lunch at noon.  Yesterday, 8oz, ate lunch at noon.  Now I'm saying to myself that since I have no restriction right now, shouldn't, I was just banded, right?, well, then I can eat when I'm hungry - but I'm trying to keep it to 4oz.  So 8oz did the same as 12oz.  I wanted to back down to 6oz today - but it doesn't matter.  I couldn't finish 8oz.  I just couldn't do it.  I was stuffed!  I think I gave 2oz to my hubby so in effect, I think I did get 6oz - certainly didn't get 8oz - but I don't know precisely what I got.  We'll see when I want lunch today.  Yesterday I also didn't have two afternoon snacks, I only had one.  I upped the cottage cheese from 2oz to 3oz.  And that did the trick.  I had it around 3 and then dinner and dinner held me over until around 9 when I just wanted something.  I ate one of those snack sized puddings and called it done.

Item 2.  Ties to 4 and 5 and 6 and 7 and 8 and 9.  So let me talk about 3 first and I'll come back to it.

Item 3.  I was gushing at the end of last week and on Saturday I got tired of it and took an Immodium.  Sunday I was gushing again.  Monday I was still gushing but came up with I'd rather gush than be plugged.  So I didn't take any more Immodium.  But since Monday, now nothing has happened - seriously plugged.  And now I'm scared to take a laxative cause I don't want to start the gushing again.  And how funny would that be if I took the laxative then immediately had to take the Immodium to stop it again.  My sweet hubby put a lot of fiber in the smoothie this morning and I haven't taken any Lortab for a few days now...so I'm hoping today is the magic day and things get moving again.  I want to try and be natural about it but if things don't get moving again, will probably take a laxative tonight.

So.  Items 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9.  Sigh.  I suck.  Don't tell me I don't, it's what I feel at the moment, it's real to me, and I'll get over it when I'm ready.  (Please tell me I don't...but don't preach...I just want some hand holding right now.)  :)

I am disappointed in myself.  Was my inability to follow the pre-op diet a result of ptsd being aggravated by no carbs?  Was it because I had no date and I was trying to reign in control?  Or was I just stupid?

I think I was stupid.

I think that because here I am, one and a half weeks post-op and I can't follow the post-op instructions.  I could be screwing up this band and causing problems for myself because I can't follow these instructions but it doesn't seem to matter to me.  Right here, right now is what matters to me.  And right here, right now, at dinnertime I just don't seem to care.

How honest do you want me to be with you?  Totally completely honest?  Or just honest enough so that you don't have to start judging me?  I'm going with total and complete for the sake of accountability and respect - for you. 

Wednesday night for dinner...my sweet hubby wanted to go to Hooter's.  So we did.  There.  I said it.  In the week when I should either be on mushies or liquids - but definitely not real solid food - not only did I eat real solid food - but I ate Hooter's.  Fried chicken and french fries.  I had the boneless chicken wings and turns out, what I thought was 6oz was actually only 5oz.  Not bad...except it was fried.  No escaping that one.  And what I called "steamed veggies" yesterday were actually french fries.  Steamed - because french fries...we saw a show on how they are cooked...and that's what happens to 'em interally...and veggies...cause potatoes are a vegetable, they say.  I didn't eat very many, but I ate them just the same.  Calorie count was low for that meal because it was a small meal.  I really did look up the calories yesterday and what I reported was accurate.  But there was fat in there that I just didn't need.  And why was I doing that, anyway?  One week and two days after surgery...there I am...

It's insane.  That meal keeps playing over and over in my head and I just can't justify it in any way shape or form.  Don't get me wrong, I will eat Hooter's again.  I love Hooter's.  But I didn't need to be eating it this week.  I truly just needed to wait until I am healed and normal.  And I'm not.  It's coming.  But I'm not there yet.

What if I'm hurting My Lady by eating like this?  What if I am actually causing damage?  There is a reason why they want us to ease onto food.  I don't know what it is but I sure am presuming quite a lot by eating normally so quickly.  And why can't I just be patient and calm and know that this will all be behind me soon and that for safety's sake, I just need to be patient and calm.  Why can't I do that?

Why couldn't I do the pre-op diet?  Who cared if I did or did not have a date.  If I was committed to this process, it shouldn't have mattered.  If I was committed to this process, I should have been saying, who cares, I'm losing weight - and that's what matters.  It won't be forever.  It wouldn't have been.  It would have been over sooner or later.  So what that I didn't know when.  I did know it would end.  And look how it played out!  Because I was doing that diet, quasi, anyway, I was able to get on the schedule a mere 4 days after getting approval.  That ended up being so bittersweet in my pea brain because I sucked.  I wasn't proud of myself.  I did enough.  I started with the intention of wanting to do more and all I did was enough.

I am not an enough kind of person.  I like to be what I am as best as I can be.  And here I am.  Failing.  Already.  Miserably.  Enough that I am keeping myself awake at night.

But no...lack of sleep...thinking this through over and over...even that's not enough to make me start eating according to instructions.  Last night again.  There I am.  Eating bread!  Dipped in olive oil, of all things.  That's healthy!!!

And I ate a salad.  Drowned in olive oil.  And I ate the worst chicken I have ever had in my life.  I honestly don't think it was 4 oz but it might have been close.  I do know it was horrible and we won't eat at that restaurant again.  We ended up at that restaurant because I did not plan meals at all this week and, just like every other night this week, we'd either have to stop at the grocery store to get something to cook or we could just eat out.  I suspect we'll eat out again tonight - but going forward from Sat on, we have a new rule I asked for.  We can only eat out once a week.  Another rule implemented (discussed before but now truly implemented) is that we can only eat at Hooter's once a month.  And if we choose to do so, it's the eat out for the week, too.

Why am I doing this?  Am I proving that I am in control?  Cause really, am I?  Am I proving that I know best?  Cause really, do I?  Am I proving that I got this?  Cause really, do I?  Do I think I somehow am healing miraculously fast?  What's my first clue?  The pain around the port?  The inability to sit up straight for hours at a time?  The inability to lift weights or exercise as I'd like to?  The inability to sleep comfortably in my favorite positions?

So why am I pushing it?

And why do I ask myself these questions now after being banded?

I'm so stupid!  And I'm failing miserably.  I need to turn this around.  I'm scared.  Will I be a failure at this?  Am I even serious about this?  Can I even comprehend what I've done?

04/22/10: Progress

So I was particularly interested in seeing how long food would hold me over yesterday.  I am still particularly interested in that and will be watching things today as well.  But I was shocked.  Absolutely shocked!

Breakfast - 12oz of my smoothie (Greek yogurt, protein powder, 6oz water, 8oz frozen strawberries and bananas and 1 fresh banana) = held me over for 4 hours. (230 calories, 33g protein)

Lunch - 4oz turkey salad with cranberries = held me over for 3 hours (183 calories, 15g protein)

Afternoon snack - 2oz cottage cheese = held me over for 1.5 hours (50 calories, 8g protein)

Afternoon snack - 4oz apple sauce = held me over until dinner or about an hour (50 calories, no protein)

Dinner - 6oz chicken tenders in ranch dip and 4oz steamed veggies = held me over the entire evening  (307 calories, 40g protein)

That's 820 calories for the day and 96g of protein for the day.

For comparison, for breakfast, I used to have the same smoothie but easily twice as much.  For lunch, I would eat lunch at the same time I had my first afternoon snack yesterday and it would be a half turkey sandwich with muenster on wheat bread and I would have ~6oz of cottage cheese with that, too.  I do not normally eat two afternoon snacks, though, and don't like this trend but think it will stop as my body calms down.  And dinner, I would eat more chicken tenders and have another side with that as well.  Another side being a carb/starch thing.

Today will be relatively similar to yesterday although I am backing down on the smoothie.  I am trying 8oz today and I want to see how long it holds me over.  I want to find my sweet spot, if you will, for just enough smoothie to last me the morning.  I do also drink coffee in the morning and I know that changes my appetite as well.

As you can see, yesterday was predominantly mushy foods except for dinner.  My chicken tenders were not mushies.  I did chew chew chew and I did feel each bite sitting there before it went down.  It was not the most pleasant experience.  I'm probably pushing it by eating so normally....but that's me. 

I am down 1.5 pounds this morning, so that was exciting.  I'd love to see the scale get back to what it was telling me on Saturday.  But I'm not actively trying to lose weight right now, I am actively trying to feel better.

And today, I definitely feel better.  I feel better than I have so far.  Yesterday I managed to make it through the work day alright but I know that the last half hour to forty five minutes were brutal.  I was ready to go!  But I didn't want to drive so my sweet hubby came to me.  And because of that, I was here for the whole day.

I slept better last night than I have since surgery, too.  I was able to sleep on any and all sides and to tuck my knee up to my chin, as I like to do, as well.

Last little tidbit on my progress - I have yet to take any Tylenol today.  I have it and will take it if there starts to be a twinge of need...basically, I won't wait until it's too late.  But I'm enjoying "cleaning out".  My liver is tired of all the Tylenol.  I know that because it told me.  :)

Yes, I'm nuts.  Thanks for noticing.

In other news, we've  (yes, WE) had a change in plans for the Chicago trip.

Original plan was for me to fly up on Friday and spend the weekend in Chicago returning home on Sunday, pretty late in the evening.  After a few things I read yesterday I decided I needed to fly out on Thursday after work and have all day in Chicago on Friday.  I love that you can change flights so easily with Southwest!  So I changed the ticket.

On the way home last night, my sweet hubby and I started talking.

Yes, that's the first "uh-oh".  :)

We are two professional schemers.  Nothing good comes from us "talking".  :)

Ok, it's not that bad...hehehe.

So I threw a statement out there that he should fly up with me and go to his mom's house and then come get me on Sunday.  Or...we could stay in a room Thursday night and then his mom could get him on Friday and I'd switch over to the roomie room on Friday once the sweet hubby cleared out.  Or...his idea, his mom could get him Thurs night and I could get a rental car to drive up to his mom's on Sunday after our conference is over.

So where's this all come from?  His mom lives in Austin, afterall, eh?  Yeah.  His mom and step-dad bought a house in Wisconsin last year and spend the "summer" up there where it's cooler and way more beautiful.  "Summer" to them is March through November.  I think they're nuts.  This year it's turning into May through November, though - and that seems way more reasonable.  Anywho.  Last year we were supposed to go up there to see their place and wander the area with them over Labor Day weekend.  But two days before departure my boss decided I couldn't have the approved vacation time afterall.  Rather than risk losing my job, we canceled the trip.  So this year, we really need to get up there.  There is way more vacation time on the books so we thought we'd take a whole week this time.

We were planning to go up the last days of Aug-first days of Sept getting back to Texas over Labor Day weekend.  But while I was out last week, my boss, not knowing my plans as I hadn't asked for the time off yet, rescheduled one of my courses.  And that course now falls over those days.  So then we thought, well, I'll go to the course and we'll head up to WI over Labor Day weekend - move the trip back by a week.

But that would be quick turn around for a drive to WI...then drive home...then fly to Chicago.

So why not make the WI trip be the Chicago trip?  My sweetheart gets some time with his mom while I'm with all y'all.  And the airfare is just amazingly super cheap right now.  So even with me spending money that weekend, I think this trip will actually cost us far less by combining them.

So we bought a ticket for my sweet hubby.  We will get in on Thurs.  We may stay at the hotel together that night or he may go straight to his mom's.  His mom is about 3 hours from Chicago, she says.  We get in late, though, after 9pm, so I think, realistically, we'll stay there in Chicago Thurs night.  His mom will get him on Friday and I'll join up with the conference.  And then either he will come get me Sunday night...or...if anyone lives in Wisconsin and can get me to someplace where they can get me....  Hmmm...see...my little scheming brain?  Even if someone got me to Kenosha, for example, and my sweet hubby and in-laws could get me from there...just sayin.  :)

So I'm feelin all charged up and all ready to go.  I really feel better than I have since surgery.  Now, I know that even though I feel like I'm ready to get out there and walk 5 miles...that I shouldn't.  That I'm probably still pretty close to the edge of being knocked back down if I over-do it.  So I'm not going to walk 5.  Just 2.  And we'll see how it goes.

Kidding!

I'm just gonna take it easy.  And hopefully it just gets better from here!  Next week...now next week I'll start hittin those miles!  :)

Have a great day, y'all!

04/12/10: So far so good

Good evening y'all.  I hope y'all had a happy Monday.  I did.  Hah.  Someone cut on me and then I was in pain...but I still call that a good day - cause it's the first day of the rest of my life, in my book.  No more waiting for it to happen, no more stressing about whether it will or not, no more being on hold.  I am now a banded women.  Here are a couple of pictures of "My Lady".

So surgery did not start at 7.  My surgeon was barely walking in around 7:10 this morning.  Oh well, they kept me busy with paperwork and the post-op diet explanation and getting me ready and all that.  So when my surgeon walked in, it was just starting to settle down.  I asked him a couple of questions, one of which was "can you please do as few incisions as possible?"  I was really hoping for the single incision thing - and even with that, when I asked last fall if he was doing that, he said it still required three incisions.  And he laughed and said "sure, we'll keep the number down.  I also asked about where the port would be placed and he showed me.

So around 7:20, I was taken away from my sweet hubby and back to the OR.  Just before taking me away from my sweet hubby they gave me feel good drugs.  I think the timing was perfect on that one, if they had waited a second longer I probably would have been a wreck about leaving my sweet hubby.  They took me through the door and said I should be feeling the drugs any minute now to which I said 'oh yeah I am'.  The way I said it made my sweet hubby laugh which also relaxed him.

So they took me to the OR and I slithered across to the operating bed.  They put the O2 mask on me and just kept telling me to relax and breathe.  Hmmm...didn't know I wasn't breathing.  :)  And I sure felt relaxed, too!

And then I woke up.  Thrashing and kicking and screaming.  They were yelling at me to relax because I was going to hurt the incisions but I didn't care.  My sweet hubby needed water.  As soon as they promised me they'd take him some water, I calmed down.  And they did take him some water.  I also told one of the nurses that she needed water, too.  And I wasn't happy until she went and got her water and started drinking from it.  About that time that I was ok with the water situation, the Demerol kicked in.

They asked me if I was in any pain and surprisingly it wasn't nearly what I thought it would be.  So I said that.  So they only gave me half the normal dose of demerol.  The next thing I know, though, the nurse has me sitting up and laying down and slithering into clothes while in bed..and then everything, specifically the port site, did get mad.  So she gave me the rest of the demerol.

Once dressed and completely drugged it was time to get up.   I was so ready to get up, I knew I would feel better if I did and I was right.  I've noticed that the gas gets mad when I sit/lay too long and just getting up gets everything calm again.  So I've been up and down a lot today.  Enough so that my sweet hubby hasn't had to bark at me to get walking.  He seems to get the idea that it's time for me to walk just when I think I want to go for another walk.

So once up, I walked myself down to the x-ray room where they did a barium swallow.  I have a tiny little opening - about the inner circumferene of a straw.  They were happy that things were moving through it so off I went to a lounge room where my sweet hubby got to join me.  He comes walking in with the water bottle in hand and asked what that was all about.  I have no idea.  I'm on drugs, remember?

We sat there for awhile.  He told me what my surgeon told him when the procedure was over and it was good.  He said there was not a lick of fat in my liver and he was extremely pleased with the efforts I took.  He said I did very well and he was super pleased with my 12 pound weightloss since my last weigh in.  He told my sweet hubby that he gave me as much fill as he could - it is as tight as it can get for now - and it only took 1cc to do that.  He would have given me more if it was necessary but it wasn't necessary because of how tight it already is.

So we sat there and then the nurse asked me if I could go to the bathroom.  Yes, I could.  Not much, but I could.  So I went into the bathroom and gave them about 3/4 of a cup.  Don't know how many ounces it was, I didn't think to look.

So with that, I was free to go home.  It was just after 9 when I was cleared.  The nurse told me I set a record for getting out of there so quickly and everyone was amazed at how normal and ok I looked.  I'm pretty amazed, too.

From this mornings weigh in, I only gained 4 pounds from the surgery.

I had been expecting way more weight and way more pain and so far I've been quite pleasantly surprised.

I did take my pain meds when we got home.  My sweet hubby had to run back out to get them as I didn't take my insurance card for prescriotions with me.  I had also forgotten a money-spending-device this morning so my sweet hubby had to whip out his money-spending-device to get the first half paid.

Anyway, when my sweet hubby got home from CVS, I immediately took a dose of the lortab.  YUCK!  But whatever, it is definitely helping with the little pain I have and I can follow it with water which helps a lot.

I had to take another dose about 3 hours later as the first dose was wearing off again.  And I wasn't going to wait until the allotted 4 hours were up - once pain gets away from you, you're screwed!  So in efforts to keep it in check, I took it early.  But I didn't take another dose until over 4 hours later.  I won't take it until I start to need it, not just doing 4 hours take it even if I don't need it.  And given how well I feel right now, I think bedtime is reasonable.

I've had a couple of mini-naps today, each about an hour long.  I'm tired, that I know, but as soon as I fall asleep the phone rings or something and I'm back awake.  I think I'll turn the phone off.  :)

What else.  My official weight on their scale was 242 but on my scale this morning I was 237.  Oh well.  If he was pleased and impressed then I did what I needed to do.

I really am surprised at how well I am feeling.  Not perfect, and feel a little like I was hit by a truck.  But it's nowhere near what I was expecting.  I expected this to be worse than the boob job but it hasn't been.  It's been a zillion times easier!

I think the bad news is I haven't seemed to have lost my appetite.  But I didn't want anything other than clear liquids - water, chicken broth, miso soup broth.  I am not getting enough water in and I need it right now because I ended up a bit dehydrated with all the yard work this weekend.  So dehydrated that when the pre-op nurse tried to start my IV, it wasn't going in very easily.  Luckily she gave me the numbing shot first but she was sure that when the IV went past my wrist that it should have been painful because of the amount of force she was having to use.  But it didn't bother me a bit.  I think the numbing stuff made the difference but she said the numbing stuff wouldn't have gone past my wrist.  All I know was that watching her push that pic line very hard, I agreed, it should have hurt but it didn't.

So the other bad news is I didn't get three incisions.  I got four with a little point pick in my lower belly.

Final news is that I didn't not have a hiatal hernia.  So I thought that was good.

And that's what I know.  I'll be back with more posts sometime but I want to get caught up with what I missed today.  But my eyes aren't the clearest ever right now, so I don't really feel like reading at the moment.  :)

Thank you all for the welcoming comments and the well wishes.  It has totally made my day everytime anyone comments!  I heart everyone in this here blogworld!  You are all so amazing.  And thank you for putting up with me in my craziness while waiting for approval!

04/11/10: Less than 12 hours

This is predominantly going to be a photo post.  I have pictures of the items I have received from the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.  And then I have pictures of all the yardwork that was done this weekend.

Unfortunately, not all of the yardwork was completed.  We still have to put together the raised garden beds and layout our anti-weed/grass fabric as we are starting these gardens on top of what is currently grass.  By the time we got done with what we really wanted to do today, we just did not have the energy to mess with the raised beds.  No worries there, we don't have the top soil, anyway.  We will have our gardeners do the filling when they lay fresh mulch for us.  So I would imagine that best case scenario, I wouldn't be able to get my seedlings in the ground until next weekend - and my sweet hubby knows that he will be doing that for me.  But, again, no worries, I haven't even started my seedlings yet.  I will play with that this week, actually, when I feel like it.

Other than yardwork, my big news of the day is that I'm excited.  My post-op liquid diet will be more interesting with more available options than this pre-op diet has.  I'm excited.  I can have apple sauce and oatmeal, my info sheets tell me.  I can have pudding - SF or real; I can have orange juice; I can have creamy soups and I can even have my smoothie the way I like it!

I'm excited. 

How pathetic is that that the post-op diet has more choices and options than the danged pre-op diet?  I won't care that it's liquiuds for seven days, I think, because it has far more variety than what I currently get.

Then I have two weeks on mushies.  And just think of all the things I get to add in then.

I'm excited!

Ok, now for the pics.

Ok, this is from Band_Groupie.  I am actually wearing a pink cami that I already had.  It doesn't really look pink, though, but it is.  :)

Ok, in this pic, the pants are from Band_Groupie and I'm using a sweater that I love.  These pants are still just a smidge too tight - especially around the waist.  I'm surprised they fit in the thighs.  Although they can certainly be looser.  :)

They are a very fine black and white striped pant - although you can't really see that in the pic.

This dress is from Kinzie.  I don't have any dresses that fit right now and so it's nice to have one.  Add to that I just love this dress!  It's super comfy and my sweet hubby keeps telling me how flattering it is!  Gotta love that!!

Another from Kinzie.  She sent this one to me with the tags still on it!  I should get a lot of wear out of this blouse as it's still snug around the hips.  I love the color in this blouse.  Very spring and summer-y!

Another one from Kinzie.  This is my favorite green.  This green can make my eyes do the coolest things.  And my grandmother will be proud - if she had her way, I'd only wear this color!

Another one from Kinzie.  I must admit, of all the clothes I received from Kinzie, I think this blouse is at the top of my love love love it list.  It is so cute, so comfy, so feminine and so easy.  Looking at the pic right now, I don't have it bloused very well but that's me, not the blouse.  :)

And that's it for the clothes.  I love the variety this adds and the color, too.  I had ended up with the typical fat-girl closet of nothing but black clothes.  And I also only had about 4 outfits I could wear to work right now.  So this totally expands my weekday wardrobe as well as my weekend wardrobe.  Yay for me!  Thank you so much, Band_Groupie and Kinzie!!!

Next up are pictures from the yards.  We did a lot of work this weekend but it's not done.  We will have our gardeners do the fresh mulch for us and we still have to build the raised beds yada yada yada.  In the meantime, this is a great start.  My sweet hubby will work on getting the teak furniture sanded and blasted this week so that our furniture, once again, looks inviting.  So here is...

04/10/10: Less than 48 hours

Friday was another day of the phone ringing off the hook.  First up was a call from the business office.  Just letting me know what my portion would be and making sure they have my name right.

So here's the deal with my name.  After I get married, my sweet hubby and I went down to Antigua for our honeymoon.  It was fantastic.  We came home.  I went straight to DPS (aka DMV but it's Texas, so we're different) and changed my name.  Unbeknownst to me, they left my maiden name on the license.  So what happened was my last name was updated to my married name while my maiden name replaced my middle name.  And my middle name was just thrown out.

GRRR.  I never meant to or wanted to be hyphenated.  But, see, I'm not.  I literally have my maiden name for my middle name.  But that confuses a lot of people so it gets treated as a hyphenated name.  However, if a provider's office submits paperwork with my name hyphenated, it gets rejected.  It's not hyphenated.

Well.  When I went to social security a few days after I got my new license, they had to do what my license said.  So now my official name is Loranne [maiden name] [last name].

I so miss my middle name.  It's Denise.  Hence LD of LD swims.

I told my sweet hubby that if I am feeling up to it at the end of the week maybe we go to DPS to try to get this fixed cause I'm sick of this stuff.

So the business office calls - back to that.  They have my name as hyphenated.  But my advocate and the side of the clinic that took care of the insurance requirements for me had it right, not hyphenated, just a space.  But, yes, my employer had no choice but to include my maiden name on everything because that's what my social security card shows.  So Cigna has to have both the maiden and the married names.  But with a space, not with a hyphen.

Business office wants to know what's correct.  Yes, just a space, no hyphen.  Well, why is that?  I explain.  She says, ok, then it should be hyphenated.  I say no, put it this way, my maiden name is my middle name and my insurance co wants to see the middle name, too.  Oh.  Ok.  This is weird.  Yes.  Yes it is.  And it's aggravating.

Since I never intended to keep my maiden name!

Then she tells me what I will have to pay. 

Let me premise this with my deductible is $2000 and my OOP-Max (Out of Pocket-Max) is $4000.  After my deductible is met, I pay 20% and the ins co pays 80% until OOP-Max is reached.

I've already gotten ~$600 of the deductible covered because of the appts I've had this year.  So I know I'm going to be paying at least $1400 of the deductible.  I've gotten everything ready for paying all the way to $4000, too, just to be safe.

No.  I pay $1280.  Are you shittin me?  NO WAY!  That's awesome!  I was prepared for having to pay 3k and now it's not even half that.

So I say, that's not even all of my deductible.  And she says, no, it's not, that's why we are just going with the 20%.

Hmmmm.

I don't think it works that way.  But I'm not going to argue.  When they realize they charged me wrong, they'll bill me.  And at least I can keep my pennies earning interest until then.  I can also do a payment plan where I will pay half due and then a min of $100 a month until I'm paid off.  All interest free.  I like to earn interest on my pennies and there is no penalty for not paying in full directly so I'll take the payment plan, too.

This all worked out a zillion times better than I had anticipated.  I'm pretty sure there's a mistake here but it won't be caught until they make the claim to my isn co.  And I'll pay it when I get the bill.  I just didn't see the point in arguing it yesterday.

So that phone call is done.

I'm thinking I've got all my info now.  I can't think of any surprises on Mon morning now.

And an hour later the phone rings again.  It's the other pre-op nurse.  She wants to know if I can come in at 6am instead of 8am.  My surgeon wants to move his day up and I'm first on the schedule.  6am means we won't have any traffic to contend with at all so I'm fine with that.  I also was able to ask my questions I wished I'd thought to ask on Thurs and that included when will surgery start.  She said probably around 7 but that will depend on when the surgeon actually gets there.  As long as I'm there at 6, I won't be the reason surgery is delayed.  I also asked what to expect Mon morning.  She said the building doesn't even open until 6 so if I get there early, we won't be able to get in.  Once in, I will check in and that should take 15-20 minutes.  After that, they will get me ready and then it will just be sitting and waiting.  She said, really, I'll probably be ready by 6:30 and then it's just waiting for the surgeon to get there.

I already asked about the tale end stuff when I had my pre-op class weeks ago.  And I told my sweet hubby what I knew then.

So.  Now.  To all y'all that are banded.  What do you wish your husbands/responsible parties had asked before you left?  What can I tell my sweet hubby to try and take care of, ask, do, etc?

So far I am surprisingly calm about this.  Periodically I get these butterflies flitting through my belly but it's about the surgery aspect, not the lap-band aspect.  And then I think about the lap-band and the fact that I have had surgery before and been put under a few times before and have never had any problems with it.  And then I am fine again.  I asked my sweet hubby this morning if he was nervous and he said yes, but he is confident that this team knows what they are doing.

In other news, we had to leave work early for an appt we had around noon.  We were told to expect this appt to last three hours and so told our bosses we wouldn't be back.  But it ended up lasting just over one hour.  So with some time on our hands and no traffic yet, we decided to head north to "Gallery Furniture".  Gallery Furniture is owned by a guy nicknamed "Mattress Mack"  He now runs an empire and is one of Houston's greatest philanthropists.  But when he started, he sold mattresses out of the back of his truck.  He is a great guy that truly makes Houston a better place - and even Texas, for that matter.

We have been toying with the idea of buying a Tempurpedic mattress set for awhile and about two months ago started to fall in love with the idea of a Tempurpedic "Ergo" bed (i.e. adjustable).  About a month ago we finally got tired enough of our bed that we currently have that we finally both agreed, yes, it needs to be replaced.  So we started shopping.  We went online and put our order together through http://www.tempurpedic.com/ and we went to some other Houston furniture stores.  All the prices were the same.  But we hadn't been to Gallery yet.

Soo we went up there yesterday.  One of Gallery's claims to fame is "buy it today get it today".  So at 2pm, we bought a bed.  At 5pm it was delivered (for less money than any other place was charging) and set up.

We bought the cloud surpreme and it really does feel like you are floating on a cloud.  It's super soft and super supportive.  And it's adjustable.  I know that will help with next week - but that also helps with allergies and even just better rest.  We also bought tempurpedic pillows and after last night, we aren't too pleased with them.  They feel better for sitting up watching tv but for sleeping, they're just hot and maybe too supportive, I guess.  I don't know what is wrong with them, but sweet hubby and I both agreed we weren't thrilled with them.

The one thing that is really going to take some getting used to is our old mattresses were high profile.  You literally had to climb into bed.  Now, you just sit down and swing your legs on, like a normal bed.  The old mattresses looked so stately which was perfect for our bedroom and the decor.  But sometimes climbing into bed was really hard to do, too.

So there you have it.  My out of pocket appears to be a lot less than I expected, for now.  My start time was moved up by two hours.  And we bought a fantabulous new bed that is super comfy and nice.

Now I'm off to get me some new plants to get in the ground.  I know if I don't get my new plants in the ground this weekend it isn't likely to get done this spring and that would make me sad.  Both the back yard and the front yard need some replacements and lots of color!

04/08/10: Now it's a three-a-day day...

So I was jumping the gun as usual and I had to send my advocate an email to tell her what I told her in my voicemail.  I don't know which she got first but I'm going to assume it was the email because a mere 2 minutes later she was calling me back.

I'm on the schedule for Monday.  She said that's all she has to do for me is get me on the schedule and the pre-op nurse would be calling with more specifics and times.  That call could come today or tomorrow, she said.

An hour later the pre-op nurse was calling me.  I am to be there at 8am on Monday and I shouldn't have much of a wait time.  I don't know what that means.  I'll find out on Monday.

So 8am on Monday is surgery time/day for me!

What else can I tell you?  I might actually be glad I don't have too much time to think on this.  Now would be when the worrying starts, eh?  Not to say I won't, I do still have three whole days and a few more hours.  I will be curious to see how the next bit of time unfolds. 

I know I'm excited.  I'm moving forward.  I'm moving on.  It's becoming official.  I will be a bandster.  I will learn new lessons and be proven wrong (and maybe right on occasion, too).  I will unearth new aspects of my personality that either never existed before or have been hidden for far too long.  I know this is wrong on many levels but I feel like I'm finally moving on to the rest of my life.  It's like a gateway.  Energy, health, vigor, stamina, even peace are all on the other side and I just have to "cross over".  I can't wait!!!

My boss has been told and said "well, wow, that's fast.  We knew it was coming and it's fine, but that's fast.  You were right.  Wow.  It's fine, we knew it was coming.  It's just me and another girl out next week so it's fine.  We'll be fine.  But that's fast.  You're fine, because you warned us, but wow."

Ok, enough babble.