05/08/10: To the Day, To the Week, To the Year

Today is a day that has been a heavy day for me for the last six years.  Six years ago today, my mom died.  Death is never easy to deal with but it is certainly different depending on the relationship impacted.  In this case, it was a parent and a great friendship.

I was 28 when my mom died.  My mom was 55.  She was healthy and vibrant and absolutely beautiful and just getting ready to enjoy her retirement.  She was diagnosed with colon cancer at the age of 52 and she had surgery and endured chemo for six months.  Following that round of chemo, about three months later, she had to have another surgery.  However, following that surgery, it looked like she was in the clear.  Her blood markers dropped to nothing, her health was stronger than ever, her zeal for life was taking on new tones.  She was strong, she was healthy, she was fit, she was everything my mom had always been with no fear.  And within six months of a clean bill of health - she wasn't deemed cancer free, she had to remain cancer free for five years to get the "you beat it" diagnosis - but then she started to develop pain in her right side.  My mom was a Nurse Practitioner and she knew what this meant.  And ultimately, she was right.  The cancer had come back and it had metasticized to her liver and lungs and there was a questionable spot in her brain.

Her medical team proceeded with another round of chemo to keep the tumors from growing too aggressively.  They told her doing so would give her good quality of life for 2-5 years during which at least she could enjoy some of her retirement.  My mom was given her terminal diagnosis, though, on Christmas Eve.  My mom didn't even make it through six months.  Turned out, the chemo sapped her energy and caused a few conditions which caused her to absolutely hate to eat.  By the time she took control and said she couldn't do it, she needed to be able to eat, it was too late.  She went from a healthy weight of 135 (she was 5'6") to 86 pounds in 3 months.  Following cutting the chemo off she was able to regain 10 pounds but it just wasn't enough.

She died on May 8th, the day before Mother's Day, in 2004.  And my life, my grandmother's life, my aunts and uncles lives, my step-dad's life, and even some family friends lives changed forever on that day.

What's interesting about grief is that it affects each person so differently.  In the case of my grandmother, my mom was her first baby.  My mom, in so many ways, was therefore always the baby.  My grandmother was hit hard with the loss of her baby girl.  And this is no small feat - my grandmother has dealt with a lot of loss in her life - her husband at the age of 35, died from an aneurism.  My grandmother was left with 7 kids between the ages of 11 and 1 to raise on her own.  To make it interesting, she lived in Ohio where single women, at the time, were not allowed to have custody of their own children.  Through the help of her brother, an attorney, she sued the state and got her kids back.  And she then took off to California, where, as a single woman, she would have a few more rights and options.  But the loss of my mom was very hard on my grandmother.  She always lived closest to my mom and had a lot of interaction with her - meeting for breakfast on a Saturday, midway between where we lived and then spending the day shopping.  These were every other week types of get-togethers.  The other six kids lived in northern Cali, or even in NYC.  The interaction was not as involved, if you will - plenty of phone calls and visits - just not the same when it doesn't happen as often.

My step-dad's grief was also deep.  He ended up dieing within 4 years, and I say he died of heart-break, in a lot of ways.  He was so in love with my mom, and she with him.  They were just getting ready to start and really enjoy their retirement.  There were tons of plans for travel and hobbies.  I think they would have had a fabulous retirement - as we all should!  His grief was so deep, though, that he ended up alienating his friends.  His sons didn't know what to do with him.  He and I shared a lot of similarities in our grief, though, and were already close, so we developed a stronger bond in trying to deal with our grief.  However, he was in Cali and I was in Texas.  I could get him here for a few weeks and I could go visit him...but I couldn't do much on a day to day basis to get him out of his funk.  I tried when I was there.  But it just wouldn't stick when I left.

And then there was my grief.  I spent the first four years, or so, grieving what my mom lost.  She had plans to travel the world again and again and had saved to do so.  She had plans of pursuing her hobby of stained glass windows, and maybe even selling what she made.  She also planned to pursue one of her first passions, sewing, and get further into embroidery.  She had plans of spending lots of time with me, helping with my kids, when they were born, being an active and involved grandmother that spoiled them rotten - like my grandmothers both did with me.  She had plans of possibly moving to Texas in later years.  She loved loved loved being an NP and considered continuing to work part time or even getting into a traveling nurse program.  She had all these plans that sounded like fun and sounded like her.  She converted the house I grew up in to adapt to these plans - knocking out walls between bedrooms, she took the entire back wall of the house and made it all French doors so that the wonderful "Sundowners breeze" could blow through in the evenings.  She bought a pretty fancy sewing machine for her hobbies and had invested in a ton of glass for her stained glass.  She had saved for quite a few rainy days and was looking forward to a decent retirement in which she would spend it all!

My mom and step-dad loved to travel together - they just loved to be together.  It was a neat relationship for me to observe because the level of respect and love between the two of them was just profound.  What was also profound to me was that my step-dad constantly let my mom go spend a week with me, just us.  He would join for every other visit or so, but he totally understood that we needed our time together, too.  Once I moved to Texas, my mom was coming here or I was going back to Cali on an every other month type of basis.  Sometimes we'd take three weeks and make a drive together back to Cali.  Sometimes we got on a plane and headed off to Europe to drive around the countryside in Spain, for example.  Sometimes we just chilled out in Texas and were shopping fools.  Other times we chilled out in California and wandered around LA or spent time in the mountains or spent time at the beach.  No matter what, my mom and I just liked to be together.

My mom was, in so many ways, my very best friend.  She believed in me even when I couldn't see that I should.  She pushed me when I thought I was doing well enough.  She loved me when I thought I was unlovable.  She would console me after breakups.  She would laugh with me after horrible dates.  She would remind me when friendshsips fell apart that friendships were for a reason, a season, or a lifetime - and we'd search together for what the reason or season was.  She turned to me when deciding to go back to school for another masters degree.  She turned to me when deciding whether to marry my step-dad while I was in the Navy or if she should wait until I was home.  (I said do-it and then got myself home for the wedding with them accommodating my schedule.)  She talked to me about her hopes and fears as much as I talked to her.

My mom was not the perfect mother, don't get me wrong.  But our relationship had always been strong and it was soooo easy to forgive and move on.  I believe strongly that children must always forgive their parents.  And parents must never push for this step.  Parents can't have anything to do with it, a child must come up with the idea and work it out by him/her self.  But when it happens, it releases the parent, in a lot of ways, from having to continue to be a parent and a friendship can finally ensue.  I have one aunt that still has not forgiven my grandmother for her mothering style - and that relationship, my aunt is 58 years old, is till toxic.  But...since my mom and I already had a strong relationship early on, and we genuinely liked each other, it was pretty easy for me to forgive and move on.  I did so by the age of 20.  I am glad for that.  It enabled us to work on our friendship for 8 years, something we otherwise would not have had.  And for 8 years, we were truly friends.  Best friends.

My mom was a beautiful lady.  She was strong yet kind.  She loved to hike, to garden, to sew, to laze on the beach, to swim, to camp, to travel, to be with loved ones, to plan parties and host them, to share her good-fortune.  She was always a good friend.  She was a big sister through and through to all her siblings - which most of them loved and yet, not surprisingly, most of them also found irritating.  She loved to host holidays.  She loved being with her brothers and sisters and would plan trips around how to get to one or more of them.  She loved to shop, especially with my grandmother.  She loved to babble at me and my step-dad about whatever the thought of the moment was.  She loved her job and all the people she got to meet because of it.  My mom just loved life!

I spent the first four years, like I said earlier, grieving her loss.  But somewhere around about 2 years ago, the grief switched to me.  My mom never met my husband.  She never saw the house I bought and settled.  She does not know the career path I wound up choosing.  She does not know one of my dogs and one of my cats.  She has not seen how I decorated my house.  She does not even know that I got fat.  She does not know most of my friends in my day-to-day life anymore.  She does not know that I have my dream pool in my backyard.  She does not know that my landscaping style comes from watching her with her gardens for so many years.  She does not know that I am comfortable, I am loved, I am on a great career path, I am happy.  She does not know me anymore.

Now yes, I'm sure she is up in heaven above watching me and even finagling things where she can.  I am sure on many levels she does know all this.  The part that she does not know, the part that I do not know, is her involvement.  What would she say?  What would she do?  I suspect I know the answer as I did have 28 years to learn her.  But she is not here to let it play out, she is not here to see it unfold, she is not here to be involved.  And that makes me sad.  Because at the heart of all this - is my mom.  My wonderful husband - a lot like my mom in personality and how he approaches life.  My house - designed like the house I grew up in because of the wonderful parties we would host - an open and comfortable house.  My career - chosen because of conversations we shared.  In each and every accomplishment, relationship, or even thing my mom is in there.  I am who I am because of her.  No, that will never be taken away from me and it's probably even stronger as I want something to cling to.  I just wish she was here to enjoy it with me!

And I don't think that will ever change.

Here are some photos of me and my mom through the years...

My mom and I - I was 20 and home on leave for Christmas

My mom, step-dad and I - I was 18 and this was at my aunt's wedding (yes, I was in it).  This was about two months before I went in the Navy

My mom and I - I was about 4 years old

I will always miss my mom!

In other news, I finished my first course for my final phase of training.  I have three more courses to take which will all occur between now and September.  I am so glad that surgery was three weeks before this class.  I forgot how dreadfully uncomfortable these chairs are and the desks are low...it all led to a discomfort that would have been unbearable if there hadn't been more time between. 

This course was "Project Leader School".  So I have now been deemed project leader capable and ready.  It was a great interactive style class with a great instructor.  I got to finish out the course with a presentation given to my center manager, my center's business development person, my team manager and my two direct bosses.  A great opportunity to impress and I think I did - I covered the topic so well  (said with a smirk) that they didn't have any questions they could ask!  Our business development lady is notorious for finding what you didn't cover and then asking a gazillion questions about that.  She had nothing.  All she could do was add one little comment...I deflated her little bubble - and it made me feel good that I pulled it off! 

Finally, this weekend is also my sweet hubby and I's second anniversary.  Look for a post in the next day or two with a tidbit about us and our plans for our day.  This weekend will be crazy busy so I am afraid I still won't be catching up on blogs.  And I'm off work mon and tues - so it will be weds before the catch-up begins.  I miss you guys and I feel so in the dark - I have no idea what's going on!!!

Ok, this is the real finally...I love the GoWear Fit.  I am learning what it's telling me and what it means, so am not going to go crazy with I burned this and had this deficit quite yet.  Yesterday, for example, I had a deficit of almost 1500 calories and I managed to gain 2 pounds.  But we helped our friend move and it was hot and humid, of course, yesterday...so I'm sure it's water retention and even a bit of lactic acid sititng in the muscles.  I can tell you this much - I hurt!  Thursday night I walked 4 miles (for a total of over 11,000 steps) and yesterday with the moving it was just under 10,000 steps.  So just the walking alone is making me pay a price.  Add in boxes to carry (light ones, but still additional weight) and it's not hard to understand why I hurt.

Have a great weekend, y'all!

04/30/10: On with it

I feel like a new page is turned.  The healing seems to be...umm..well..I'm gonna say I'm happy with it cause it just plain feels done.  Pain has been non-existent for over a week now, swelling is gone, bruising is gone.  It's been surprising.  I mean, not even a twang, really, in the belly area, at all.  Nothing to tell me something just happened other than a slight redness at each incision site.  Not an infection type of redness.  That redness you get - maybe pinkness - when two pieces of skin were split apart from each other and are figuring out how to rejoin.  It's all closed up and looks good.  But they still look like "new" scars. 

Anywho.  I am ramping up the walking this week.  I'll continue with the walking next week.  And hopefully the folllowing week I'll be cleared for my weightlifting.  I WANT MY WEIGHTS!

I set in my mind, just yesterday, in fact, that I wanted to walk 8 miles this week.  I did 1 on Weds and 3 last night.  1 on Weds at about 15 mins.  Last night, 3 miles in 40 mins, which works out to about a 13.3 min-mile.  A pretty good pace.  I had more speed to tap into, too.  But I was happy with where I was.  Best yet...I barely broke a sweat. 

'Member that gorgeous weather I was loving on yesterday?  Well.  It's gone.  Instead we have a southerly breeze blowing in moisture from the gulf.  It's supposed to rain today and all weekend - and this all moved in yesterday afternoon.  It was 86% humidity last night as I was walking my 3 miles.  And I think that humidity is what made me break a sweat.  But it wasn't sweating like I've nearly always done as a large gal.  It was a light glistening.

hehehe...will I ever be just a "glistener?"  I truly was just glistening last night...but I've always been a sweater.  Not a cardigan or a pullover.  I drop drop dropping sweater.

So today I'm gonna make my In-Laws get out and walk with me and I'm assuming I'll get in 1.  Well.  I'll demand we do 1.  :)  I may be able to get more.  But I am counting today for 1 and then 3 again on Sunday after the In-Laws leave.

Next week (my weeks are Mon-Sun.) I'm shooting for 14 miles.  I could average 2/day but I don't think that will happen.  Instead I think I'll do nothing, 1 or 3 across the week, maybe even 4.  :)  I hope the weather behaves next week...but the In-Laws are coming to take away our old mattresses (we are giving the set to them) and so with that, I'll get my treadmill back.  Our treadmill is just a little buried right now...

In final news, it's decided, I am going with a GoWear Fit.  It is now purchased and on it's way.  We found the best price through drugstore.com and there was even a coupon with it.  I am not getting the display at the moment.  I'm on the fence about wanting it/needing it.  I know me, I'll go crazy as I sit here at work wondering what it's telling me.  But then again, if I have it, I might go crazy looking at it all the time, too.  So I figure, since the display costs what it costs and there wasn't a cost-savings benefit in buying it with the actual GoWear Fit, that I'll see how it goes and if I need/want to add it later, I can.

Now for the not-band news but still so very wonderful to me news.  My MIL and her hubby are coming to visit this weekend.  It will be great to have some time with them!  She hasn't seen me since I've dropped the last 20 pounds so I'm curious to see what she says/does.  I know that a lot of people see nothing for the first 30-40 pounds, so no worries, I won't be surprised or sad if she doesn't see any difference.  But my clothes are falling off me, too...so it's hard not to notice a little something, I think. 

Yeah.  My pants are falling off me.  It's kinda nice.

We are talking about going to see Keels and Wheels this weekend.  It's an antique car and boat show at a local yacht club.  I haven't been for years and it's pretty awesome - gorgeous boats and amazing cars.  But I love cars and boats...so...  We are hoping that they will want to go.  On the other hand, it's shaping up to be crappy weather this weekend and this is an outdoor thing.  So we'll see.  We'll talk about it tonight.

I ended up not going to use the gift card(s) last night.  I decided I needed my husband's eye.  I just am not one of those people that likes to shop by myself.  So I declared to him last night, via text message, as he watched his baseball game, that he will go with me on Sunday afternoon.  And in his true fashion, he just said "ok".  He's such a wonderful man!  I'm so lucky to have him in my life!

And that's all I've got.  I hope y'all have a wonderful weekend.  I'll be quiet for a few days...don't see reading or writing this weekend.  I'll catch up on Monday.