03/28/10: so sad

I didn't cheat.  I didn't break.  I thought I was doing pretty well, actually, given that it was a Saturday and I was not doing my normal stuff which means I was not "eating" at normal times.  I got sleep and I actually didn't drink my lunch until well after 4 which set me up for actually eating dinner at the time I wanted to, not had to.

And I gained a pound.

I keep telling myself it doesn't matter.  I am still down from my start and the surgeon will never know the difference.  But I had these hopes of losing weight steadily on this ridiculous diet and earning my 4 cc fill.  If you don't remember, in the pre-op he said that he does anywhere from no fill up to 4cc's.  If he thinks you were totally serious with the pre-op diet and your liver was super wonderful looking, then he'd give you 4.  If he thought you weren't taking it serious at all and you suck, he gives you none.  Those being the extremes, it's likely you'll fall somewhere in the middle of the bell curve and you'll get anywhere from 0-4cc's depending on what he thinks is wise.

I wanted 4cc's!  I think 4 is a great jump start towards getting to the sweet spot.  I DO NOT want 0.  So I am focusing on that.  That and pounds lost.

I'm railing against this diet but it's not because I can't do it.  It's because I am not really choosing this for myself - someone else, someone trying to be in control of me, is choosing this for me.  I read on a blog this week about why diets don't work.  Actually I think I read this in multiple places this week.  But it's true.  If you are not in control of what goes in your mouth, you begin to obsess.  And if you obsesss, addictions form.  You might survive just fine while on the "diet" but as soon as you are cleared to take control of yourself back, you will binge and get in all those obsessions you were missing.

I don't know that I would do that, to be honest.  Before this pre-op diet, tracking my food intake on http://www.fitday.com/, I learned that I average 50-60g of carbs a day.  Not a lot.  Just enough.  I am not a carb addict.  But I am not controlling this right now which puts carbs front and center on my mind.  When I do eat carbs, they are healthy - complex carbs.  I don't tend to gravitate towards the simple carbs.  Which is not to say I don't eat them.  But I don't eat them daily or even weekly.

Anywho.  So I'm railing against this diet.  And I know that.  And I am ok with it, to be honest.  So long as I move on and move on soon, I will actually forget this.  In case you are not in my brain, let me just say this.  I am not a miserable angry person right now.  I am putting this all in the blog because maybe it can help someone else who will go through this in the future or may even be going through it right now.  I do no favors by keeping what I've learned to myself.

So, back to today.  I did not cheat.  I did not break my diet.  And I gained weight anyway.  So how do you not cheat with that?  How do you stay motivated when even though you are doing what you are told, it's still not working?

Interestingly enough, I don't want to cheat.  If there were any time I would want to cheat, it's probably a breakfast on a Sunday.  But I didn't.  I didn't mention it, I didn't even think it, really.  I just made my smoothie and called it done. 

I hope I can call the ins co tomorrow and get an answer.  I hope I get an answer soon.  Please, please, please...

I had a dream this morning about going to the hospital and checking in for surgery.  But my dentist got mad and made the nurse tell me I had to leave and get clearance from, you ready for this? - A cardiopulmoradiologist.  Yeah, I have no idea what that is, either.  In my dream it was a surgeon that did surgery under x-ray.  Yeah.  Nuts.  My dreams are bonkers when I remember them.  Maybe that's why I tend to not remember them - I don't really want to know how nuts I am.  Anywho, so I went to that thing's office to get clearance and they checked me in and saw me back and made me wait until their Friday afternoon party was over.  Problem was, when the party was over, everyone spilled into the parking lot, where it was raining, to start walking home.  And I was told to walk with the Dr. and she would do my review.  So as we walked, we talked about her dog.  And then she sent my dentist my clearance and he decided I was good to go.  So I went back to the hospital again and the nurse was nowhere to be found.  The hospital was filled with slides and rappelling equipment to get around the floors and my husband and I had to chase the nurse down.  By the time we did, the surgeon had flown to Panama and said I'd have to wait.  I found a new surgeon who would do the surgery on Sunday.  (The events all happened on a Friday.)

It was a weird dream.  But is it an omen that surgey is coming?  That's what I take away from it all.

Dangit, I think I'm going to go walk my lake 8 times today and then take a break and walk another 8.  This pound will go away - plus more - today!

And my sweet hubby thought he was going to take a nap.  HA!