04/02/10: Other things

Other things I forgot to mention in yesterday's blog but didn't think it was worthy of a second blog.

Thing 1) My surgeon will not call in to my ins co for me.  Apparently, after I left a voicemail for my advocate, she decided she knew enough of the story and proceeded without actually getting the story from me.  I do think that would have made a difference, but am not upset about it for reasons I'll explain in a minute.  She had her insurance peeps call my ins co to find out what they could find out about getting it expedited.  Those peeps were told the same thing - if the surgeon calls, he can get it expedited for me, but it has to be for an emergency.

They all decided there was no way to get it expedited and so would not ask my surgeon to make the call.

Here's where I think if my advocate had known even some of the story, let alone the whole story, she would have understood why I, and the lady I talked to, both thought my surgeon calling would help.  But, like I said, I'm not actually upset about it and am actually glad it worked out this way.

I think if my insurance company knew any of what I posted in yesterday's blog, they would use that as the reason for why I should be denied.  So not pursuing the expedition may actually be a good thing. 

The whole thing does kind of make me sad.  But life will go on and I will keep living it. 
Thing 2) I finally ate my cheese...I ate it last night...in the form of a 'hamburger'.  I don't know that you'd call it a hamburger - it wasn't on a bun.  It was an "iceburger", i.e. it was wrapped in iceberg lettuce.  My carbs for the day came from cheese.  And the sauce on the burger.  Has anyone had a Moo-yah?  Ok, better question, has anyone had an In-N-Out burger?
Anywho.  Moo-yah, for March Madness, did an offer on Tues that if you texted them with a code (for March Madness) they would give you a coupon for a free burger to be used on April 1.  There's also a contest for winning a burger a week for the next year.  On Tues, before all this went down yesterday, I had decided that if I hadn't heard from the ins co by Thurs, that I would allow myself to have that burger - but I'd order it sans bun and wrapped in lettuce instead.  And I'd have the cheese.  My treat for being so good on this diet.  On Tuesday, it was to be my one treat for the whole span of the diet.  It still was a super treat but, of course, I've changed what I'm doing anyway.

In efforts to keep the carbs lower than ideal, I chose against the bun.  I will admit this is the first iceburger I've ever had.  And OMG it was soooooo good!  The crunch of the lettuce was amazing and the lettuce didn't really add any flavor to the burger.  It also didn't take away from the burger at all. I actually think I would prefer an iceburger from here on even if you factor out the carb notion.  It was soooo good!

Thing 3)  I am still going to log my food diary that has to be turned in before surgery as carbless.  I won't say a peep if you don't say a peep.  :)  I am doing minimal carbs, I'm just not doing no carbs.  And, as I see it, my quak-surgeon doesn't need to know that nor does he need to know the reason why.

Thing 4)  A picture post will be coming Sunday.  I received some new clothes from Band_Groupie and want to model them.  One outfit is wearable right now and a pair of pants needs me to lose about 10 pounds before they are comfortable - fit in the leg but not the waist.

Thing 5)  I gained a pound today.  Our intention last night was get our hairs cut, go get our free Moo-yah while our car was washed, go home, walk the lake (in my case) or run (in my husband's case), go visit our neighbor for a little while, go home, pack, crawl in bed, etc.

What happened was we went and got our hairs cut.  And that took almost two friggin hours.  My hair was butchered again.  I had a post back in January about my previous haircut and the reflection in the mirror.

So first things first.  Reflection in the mirror.  Wasn't great.  Wasn't horrible, either.  Didn't seem as jarring as it was last time I was in.  Maybe I was anticipating the horror better this time, though.

But the haircut.  I took her a picture of what I want to grow my hair to.

And I got this...  (Sorry the pic is such crap, I'm taking it in a mirror and apparently, I have to look at the camera even though I shouldn't be...)

Now let me say - I started with a good amount of hair.  My hair was tapered in the back down to the neckline.  But I had "length", almost solid even length of hair to my ears.  That coincided with the hair style I want - the one of me long ago.  She chopped it.  And she textured it (which I HATE) and she thinned it (which I HATE) and she then tried to fix it because she screwed it up.

When all was said and done, she "styled" it but it was hideous.  It just looked like hair with way too much product in it, dirty, sticking out everywhere and not even remotely feminine.  But because of that "styling", I couldn't actually tell how bad it was.

Now, it's not a bad cut.  But I just lost 8 weeks of growth, I just lost 8 weeks towards getting back to the desired style.  All because of, what I think is the reality, she doesn't really know how to do short hair.  She even chopped the neckline and I had a good thing going for getting to the neckline in my old style.

She told me, as she was finishing up, ok, bring the picture with you next time.  I've done this and this and you'll be in a good place for your next visit for doing this and this and we'll get you there.

Last night, around 9:30, I was finally able to wash all the gunk out and that was when I saw just how much hair I'd lost and just how badly I've strayed away from my desired style.  I won't be going back to her.  All she accomplished was giving me the exact same cut I got 8 weeks ago.  8 weeks of growth just gone because she kept trying to "fix" it.

I was so mad.  Not only did it take forever to do, but it completely took me away from where I thought I was going.  I know I didn't have enough hair to get to my desired style and I didn't expect miracles last night.  I just expected she wouldn't chop what didn't need to be chopped.  I wish I could be like Drazil was with Martha Steward and if I were, I would have said 'what are you doing?' when she started "trimming" my crown!

So, we left there and headed to get our Moo-yahs and to get the car washed.  By the time we made it there, the car wash was closed.  They stay open after dark because they've got massive lights everywhere...and just say "they close at 7", no matter what time of year.  Yeah, hair cuts at 5 and we didn't make it to the carwash by 7.  NUTS.  So we got our Moo-yahs and headed home.  At this point, around 8, it was dark.  So no walking the lake last night.  Ok, I'll get on the treadmill.  Well, then, lets go visit our neighbor first.  Yeah.  Mistake.  We like her.  You know what happens with people you like?  You talk and talk and talk and lose track of time!

So we didn't get home until a little after 10.  At that point, I jumped in the tub to get the dang gunk out of my hair.  Otherwise, I wouldn't have slept.  My hair would have kept my head away from my pillow, it was that bad! 

With the gunk out, I blowed it dry to see where it was.  Yeah.  I was sad.

Then I decided to get on the scale.  All day, I had gained a whole whopping pound.  I knew that meant I would sleep and get on the scale this morning and be down.  I usually gain 3-4 pounds a day and it's one of the things I'm "enjoying" about this pre-op diet - I am consistently dropping.  Except for the two days I have gained and the two days I stayed the same - those days, my night time weigh-ins have been higher - more like the 3-4 pounds that are normal.  I think I'm tripping up on my words here and would have to spend more verbage on explaining something that really doesn't matter, so I hope you got that.

Yeah.  Today.  Up 1.

Oh well!  I loved my Moo-yah!  And I feel better still, as compared to yesterday, which was a zillion times better than Weds!!!

I won't do Moo-yah again pre-op.  And like I said, oh well.  I am owning my decision and it's consequences!

Now this weekend will be a trick.  Which leads to

Thing 6)  We are going to Austin after work today to visit my aunt and my grandmother who is visiting from California.  I can't/won't tell my family what I'm up to because they are already think I'm a horrid person with a tremendous problem.  I see only judgement from them and I don't see that they could even remotely comprehend this decision.  In fact, I believe they would see me as a disgrace.  They are all thin and have not ever really struggled with weight.  So with me feeling like I shouldn't tell them a thing about this, how to explain this pre-op diet?

In case I haven't explained my changes, here's what I'm doing.  Breakfast and lunch, still doing the protein shakes with no carbs.  It's dinner that I am relaxing with and I am relaxing in that I am allowing myself some carbs but still not many.  I know that I read a recommendation on Weds that PTSD peeps need a min of 125g of carbs a day.  But I also know that I was doing 50-60g of carbs a day on my "unweightloss" plan and I was feeling fine and able to handle reasonable stress alright.  So I am trying to stay under that and want to see at what point it is that I feel fine.  I want to establish my min, basically.  And like I said a few times yesterday, I am paying attention to what kind of carbs I'm getting.

So I will eat normal reasonable dinners tonight and tomorrow night.  I don't believe I'll raise eyebrows with that.  But I'm pretty sure I'll raise eyebrows with my no snacking and protein shake only situation.  But here's what remains to be seen.  Will I be lectured on how imbalanced this is?  (Hell yeah it is, believe me, I know!!!!)  Or will I be given a nod of approval for "taking charge"?  Do I say I'm doing Atkins HARD CORE?  And just leave it at that?

And then there's part of me that thinks...you know, I really know myself.  And if I get a nod of approval from them...I'm likely to spill the beans.  Maybe they'll surprise me.  I don't know when I ended up being so danged scared of my family.  I really love them and have always received affirmation and support from them - some times more than others.  But they are good people and want what's best for me.  I know that.  So why do I think they will hate this idea so much?  We'll see.  I do know, though, that my grandmother, especially, will tell me to my face how awesome this is, how she supports this, how she thinks it's fantastic I'm doing this - and then she'll go back to Cali and tell everyone how stupid and ridiculous I am for turning to "the easy way out".  That's my family - loving and supportive to your face...stabbing you in the back when you wouldn't know otherwise.

Ugh, such a long blog.  Cara - welcome.  You think you talk a lot?  :)  Yes, some of your blogs are long.  And most of my blogs are, too!  :)

I guess I made this long for making up for the fact I won't be around the next couple of days.  :)

Oh, and last thing.

Thing 7) I want to do a vlog soon.  I think some of my character is lost in my typing because I say things happily and I think things get read, on occasion, with sadness coming through.  Or I say things jokingly and seriousness comes through.  So that you can get a sense of my sarcasm and general love of life, I think a vlog is in order.  :)  Coming soon to a blog post near you!

03/23/10: Part 1 of "The Plan"

I am going to follow Band_Groupie's style and do this in a multiple series format. After yesterday's blog in which I blasted my surgeon as being idiotic, it really drove home for me what my plan is. I haven't necessarily sat down and said "hey, Lori, what's your plan going to be?" nor have I ever typed out or jotted down anything that could be resembled as a plan by anyone else. It's all in the pea brain. And I figure it needs to get out.

I have a plan for my diet and reasoning's for why. I have a plan for my exercise and reasoning's for why. I have a plan for my sleep, skin care, hair care, and even my bodily functions. So this will be a multi-part series covering one or more of the various topics I've managed to inadvertently develop plans for.

I will say that I seriously appreciate the blog world. I would not have inadvertently done anything if I hadn't been reading and learning all along. I appreciate everyone who has gone before me and shed light on their experiences. I appreciate everyone who ever offers a lick of support. I just appreciate it all!

I also want to say today - I am sorry for bringing up politics yesterday. I won't do it again. I crossed a line and no one here should be surprised by opening a blog about the band and weight loss and reading about politics instead. This truly is about the band and living with the band and that does not involve politics. I am sorry.

Ok

Part 1 of "The Plan"

Diet. I call it diet because what you put in your mouth is a diet. Diet is defined as "food and drink considered in terms of its qualities, composition, and its effects on health" by http://www.dictionary.com/. That is what I mean by diet. It's what we consume for the sake of nutrition. It is not what I am doing to lose weight. It is not what I am doing to build muscle. It is not what I am doing to do anything other than to live.

As you read yesterday, my surgeon believes that I should maintain a diet of incredibly limited foods with incredibly limited nutrients. But here's the catch. He also said:

"This diet is designed for those of you who will not be doing any exercise. If all you want to do is eat your way to a slimmer person, this diet is for you. If you are going to do minimal exercise, which would include walking and running, then this diet is for you. However, if you are going to weight lift at all, you cannot live on this diet alone. You must eat carbs."

He never said anything else about carbs and what I should eat. Most people in that room are not going to lift weights. Most people in that room are not going to do anything other than walk and try to maintain a life style less sedentary than they currently are living. I am not them.

I am going to weight lift. I am going to swim. I am also going to walk. And as I get smaller, I will probably revert back to trying to run/jog, too. But the key, for me, is I am going to lift weights. This does not mean I should go crazy on carbs. But it also means, for me, that I should make sure I'm getting a reasonable source of complex carbs with at least one meal. Yay for my smoothie!

So he's not all nuts. Just mostly. I don't think most people in that room were aware of blogspot or even LBT and they do not know the whole wide world open to them and all the info it contains. I wanted to shout out "go see how real people live with this. It doesn't have to be like that". But back in Oct, back before I found blogs and real life - I thought he was interesting. And most there last week were meeting this surgeon for the first time. I could see it in their eyes - they thought he was onto something. I mean, really, you mix surgery with a good ol' fashioned diet - and you don't have to exercise - and you'll lose all the weight you want?  What fat person wouldn't go for that?  There are a number of heavy people that are heavy because they don't like exercise. There are an equal number of heavy people that do like heavy exercise - but for whatever reason, they don't do it regularly. (That would be me.) And then there are those that like it and do it, too. But in the heavy world, the BMI over 40 because of flab world, I believe those are few and far between. And here is this surgeon saying 'it's ok to not exercise - I'll help you lose weight with just the food you eat.'

Now, I can't do that. It's a diet. It's a diet not with the intent of consuming necessary nutrients and sustenance. It's a diet for that dreaded sake of losing weight. And I will not "diet to lose weight".

A lot of you...A LOT...have played into the evolution of Lori's plan.

And the plan goes like this...

When I want to eat Hooter's chicken wings...I will. I will say about this that I will allow myself one visit a month. If it doesn't happen - great. It's not mandatory. But it's an option. It doesn't have to be Hooters - but if it's fried, it's greasy and it's generally on that forbidden "bad food" list, I will not be eating much of it at all - once or so a month, if at all.

My life is about options. I like options. That's really the heart of my plan. And that's really why I hate diets. No options on good ol' fashioned diets!

If I want to eat a half a sandwich on wheat toast with turkey and muenster cheese with a smidge of mayo...I will.

If I want to eat sushi for dinner as part of a celebration...I will.

I will chew and chew and chew and take my time and maybe only eat four pieces. But I will give myself that option.

I am counting on the band to tell me when I'm full. I am also counting on will power to make the wiser choice most of the time.

I have will power. I have a lot of it. I actually got fat because of will power. I will now take that same will power and use it wisely.

I already have been. Prior to this pre-op diet anyway.  I have to laugh.  I say that - but I couldn't really be doing what I wanted to do on the unweightloss program for fear that I would lose too much.  So I was, on the unweightloss program, still working to counteract my progress.  But it's interesting what doing that on purpose does to the mindset.  It took will power to make me successfully fail.  That was surprisingly difficult.  It's a relief to finally be into the realm of I can do what I want to do this right.  If this danged pre-op diet weren't standing in my way at the moment I would be thrilled.  And that's a double-edged sword.  I have to do this pre-op diet and this pre-op diet will help me lose weight.  But it's not conducive to my weight lifting so I am opting to stick with just walking until I am healed from surgery.  I could start weight lifting now but I'd be famished as I'm not getting real nutrients.  I could start weight lifting now but I'd actually screw up my cycle by not being able to finish the whole 6 week program before the interruption surgery would create.  So, weird as it is (in my head), I am still not starting the weight lifting.  It will be six weeks after surgery that I'll be let loose on my program.  In the meantime, I've got walking and when it's warmer and consistently nicer, I'll have my pool.

Side note - one thing I learned last week.  I can swim from the get-go.  Day of surgery if I wanted.  They use dermabond so the wounds would be completely sealed from the water.  On the same token that I'm allowed to shower from the get-go, I can swim, too.  Now, they said, I probably won't want to the day of surgery.  But the next day it might be surprisingly helpful with the gas.  But on the day of, if I wanted to get in the hot tub - it's an option.  And the hot tub would help a lot, they said, with the gas.  Yay for dermabond!!!!!  Honestly, I don't know that I'd swim swim.  I think I'd probably actually go for aquaroebics on the second day.  But that would be awesome!

Anyway, back to the diet.

So my "diet" of choice is one centered on options. And I can give myself those options because I will be lifting weights and swimming. That's tomorrow's blog.

So there you have it. Tomorrow's blog will explain the weightlifting program for weight loss that will kill plateaus before they start. Most people hate this idea, but weight bearing exercise is as important, if not more, than aerobic exercise. You don't have to bulk up...but when you run or dance or whatever, you take the fluids and O2 away from the muscles. Benefits in that - but not beneficial for muscle - the source of metabolism. You really need both.

03/08/10: Day 3

So, in case you haven't noticed, my days of this diet are lagging reality.  Today is actually day 4 - but whatever.  I'm not one for blogging at 9pm...so you get this the next day.  :)

I want to thank everyone that commented on yesterday's blog.  I will say that remembering her birthday is not nearly as painful as it was immediately following her death.  It's amazing what six years does to grief.  I remember hearing early on after my mom died "you'll get used to it".  And I remembering thinking adamantly "no I will not!"  The idea of getting used to my mom's death, her life being cut short, all our plans being wiped out - that's just not something I can ever be ok with - and "used to it" equates to "ok with it" in my little pea brain.

But they are right.  You do get used to it.  No, I'm not ok with it.  But I am used to it.  There's a distinction there that only time can illustrate.  The first few years after her death, the anniversary of her death and her birthday were particularly hard days.  Those days would stop me in my tracks.  I have always been fortunate in that I had friends who would stop in their tracks with me.  We'd celebrate her life - even though they might not have ever met her.  That's still the case.  But I no longer get stopped in my tracks.  I get to celebrate the 55 years that she did have instead of mourning the X-amount of years she didn't get.  It's a nice change of pace.  It feels better, honestly.  Not missing my mom, but the grief changing gears.

All the while that my grief has been evolving as it has done, it has been doing the same for my aunts and uncles and even my grandmother.  So that helps, too, to know I'm not so off-base.

Anyway, I bring this all up again today because I want to comment on some of the comments from yesterday.  So here is...

Bonnie - I'm so sorry to read of the mis-diagnosis in your mom's care.  I will never fully comprehend this, I don't think, but my mom was never mad at her PCP for dodging the expense for so long.  I was furious!  In one of the many appts my mom had where she tried to get the PCP to order the correct procedures, the PCP actually told her "I know you think you know as much as I do, but you are only a Nurse Practitioner and I am a Physician.  I will decide what is appropriate."  I was pissed just at that!  On another token, my mom worked with one of the best Dr's she could have, I think.  That Dr. understood that RNP's approach care from the person perspective.  Dr's, on the other hand, approach care from the science perspective.  Neither is wrong, neither is more correct - and when put together hand in hand, they are an unstoppable pair.  She and the Dr. she worked with were a great team!  But her PCP - man, she was a piece of work!  My step-dad and I later heard that she was suspended for not ordering procedures correctly or in a timely manner for her patients.  No justice there, though, as I'm sure you can imagine.  I love seeing RNP's.  They listen.  I highly recommend them.  :)

Drazil - I get to start being screened early, too.  My PCP wants me screened now, actually.  She says it's never too early to start when there is a history.  I've said I'll wait until 35.  Eeks - that's this summer!  But the insurance companies will pay before 40...40 is actually, from what my PCP says, a little late to start when there is history.

Kim - oh, ouch.  On Christmas?  My grandfather (mom's dad) died when my mom was 11 on Christmas Eve.  Christmas Eve was never the same for anyone in my mom's family.  I never knew him, obviously, but the Christmas Eve thing makes me pause and reflect, too - since I was raised with that.  There are just some days we should have a moratorium from death.  If only, eh?  Obesity is a major risk factor for colon cancer, as well.  So yeah, that is a lot of my motivation, as well.  That and my dad died from complications of diabetes and heart disease.  I've got a well-rounded book of risk factors going on.  BLECK!!!

Fat Bastard - Yes, my mom was a great lady.  I was so lucky to have her for a mom!  I could go on and on about how awesome she was and will always be to me...but I'll save that for a future blog.  What I will say here, though, is yes, like you, I get reminders all over the place, too.  I have one in particular that is something she gave me.  My mom loved to do stained glass and she made me a three-dimensional tulip statue of glass.  I love love love tulips and she loved loved loved to make me tulips.  This three-dimensional thing is pretty impressive - I'll take a pic of it and post it later.  But that object is absolutely priceless to me.  I have never seen anything like it and she didn't buy it - she made it.  She had to have a shape made so that the shape of the statue could be supported while she was soldering the glass together.  I mean, she went all out!  When our area is hit by hurricanes, I could care less if any other "thing" gets out of the house - but that must go with me.  That, my doggies, my kitties, and my husband (not necessarily in any order of importance, there).  I can look at that "thing" and know that she is with me always. 

And to everyone else that commented, thank you for taking the time to reach out and give hugs or just to acknowledge me yesterday.  It really means a lot to me!

So, back to the issue at hand, day 3!

I got on the scale this morning.  I am down a whole whopping 0.2 lbs.  My sweet hubby is doing this diet with me.  He is down 2 pounds today.  For him, he's down 8 lbs since starting on Friday.  For me - 3.2.  Sheesh!  I am so happy for him!  But what about me?  :)

I made one of my new favorite recipes for dinner.  It's a chicken broccoli casserole.

Here's the recipe: (you can change the broccoli to any veggie you want and you can change the cheeses around, too.  Whatever you do with the cheese, I do highly recommend keeping the provolone with the whatever-you-choose for it's great melting properties.)  And I will also say - people that hate casseroles love this dish.

3 tablespoons butter

1 yellow onion, chopped
1/4 cup all-purpose flour (you can use whole-wheat flour here if desired)
1 1/2 cups chicken broth
3/4 cup nonfat milk
salt and pepper to taste
5 cups cooked, shredded chicken breast meat
1 head of broccoli, steamed
1/4 cup shredded Cheddar cheese
1 cup shredded provolone cheese
1 cup shredded swiss cheese

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C.) Grease a 9x13 inch casserole dish.  (I have never actually greased the casserole dish and it's always been fine - but if you feel the need, go for it.

Melt butter in a large saucepan over medium heat. Saute onion until tender, about 3 minutes. Mix in flour. Gradually stir in chicken broth. When the chicken broth is completely combined with the roux, slowly stir in milk, and cook, stirring, until sauce begins to thicken. Season with salt and pepper.

Place cooked chicken in an even layer over bottom of the casserole dish. Place broccoli over the chicken. Combine provolone and swiss cheese and sprinkle over the top of the broccoli.  Pour sauce evenly over the cheese. Sprinkle cheddar over top of the casserole.

Bake in preheated oven for 20 minutes, or until the cheese melts. Remove from oven and serve immediately.
 
Believe it or not, this has 390 calories, 8 g of carbs and 61 g of protein, per serving.  Serves 6.

03/07/10: Day 2

I'd love to say this is day 2 of the pre-op diet...because it is.  But it feels almost like a lie to be saying that because I don't even know if I'm really pre-op.  So it's just day 2.

It is what it is.

Today is my mom's birthday.  My mom passed away on May 8th, 2004.  I can't believe she's been gone this long.  She would be 61 today if she were still here.  So young!  To everyone that is 50 or older you'd better be getting your colonoscopy's done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Colon cancer is no joke.

My mom was a nurse practitioner.  She made all her patients get their colonoscopies like clockwork.  When she turned 50, she went to her PCP amd said "it's time".  And her PCP said no, it was not indicated.  There was no history whatsoever of any type of cancer in my family.  So they said it wasn't worth the risk or expense as she was going to be fine.  There are seven things you can do to help decrease your risk of colon cancer and she did all seven things naturally.  There was no risk they said.

Two years later, her BM's changed drastically.  As a nurse practitioner she knew that was not good.  She made an appt and took herself to Russia on a dream vacation.  When she returned and went to that appt her PCP said, well, lets not jump to colon cancer...so try this diet.  My mom dutifully did so.  It didn't change anything besides allow the tumor to grow more.  So she went back in for a follow up and the PCP said, well, lets start with an X-Ray.  It took a month to get in for that X-Ray as it was not ordered "stat".  X-Ray's aren't the first course of discovery anyway, so no surprise when it didn't show much.  Meanwhile, the tumor is still growing.  My mom finally convinced her PCP to at least order a barium enema.  And it could not be done because the tumor was closing off her colon.  So then the PCP finally ordered a colonoscopy "stat" and my mom was in there for the colonoscopy the next day.  They discovered "an apple core" tumor which is the worst kind to have.  She went in for surgery at the end of that week and when they did the biopsy it was determined her cancer was an advanced stage 3.

Because she was relatively healthy and had no other risk factors, they did the surgery and then attacked with chemo only.  Six months later, she was cancer free.  She had to do follow-up colonoscopies every six months.  We all went on living and traveling and celebrating life.

At her second colonscopy check-up, the tumor was back.  They did an MRI as well and determined the cancer was still located only in her colon.  They did surgery again.

Since her lymph nodes showed no metasticizing, they did not do chemo or radiation that time.  After surgery, she was doing great.  Her cancer markers in blood tests went to non-existent.  Everyone thought it was all in the bag.

Six months later, she developed pain in the right side - where the liver sits.  She knew what that meant.  She didn't tell anyone what was going on except for my step-dad and myself.  She went back to the PCP and an MRI was ordered.  The cancer had metasticized to her liver, to her lungs and to her brain.  She met with her oncologist who wanted to put her on a trial treatment course but her PCP poo-poo'ed that as she already had a liver spot that was questionable.  So with that, they could try the normal chemo to give her a better quality of life, but other than that, she was going to die from this.

She was told on Christmas Eve 2003 that her cancer was terminal.

Merry F'ing Christmas.

She was told she would have anywhere from 2-5 years before it killed her and the chemo could help make it quality time - and push the 5 year window. 

She died the following May.

I miss my mom like no words can ever describe.  It is a deep sort of missing - a piece of me is gone.  Here was this person who knew me from the start, knew how I came to be the way I got, and liked me and loved me anyway.  She was my best friend in so many ways.  She was my greatest ally in so many ways and knew what I was capable of.  She could push me like no one has ever been able to do and she could say one word to let me know I had all the support I needed.  We loved to travel together and we did so all of my life until I was 28.  Life has not been the same without her.  It is so sad to think my kids won't get to know their grandmother.  She would have been the most amazing grandmother.  I also wish my husband could have known her.  He would have loved her - and vice versa!

So that's what I've got. 

In other news...last night we did our beer butt chicken with grilled zucchini and onions.  It was so yummy!  The grilled zuchhini did not turn out to be photo friendly, but here's a pic of the chicken.

If you haven't done a beer butt chicken, try it.  Grab a whole chicken and rinse.  Pat dry with a paper towel and then get your favorite rub and rub the chicken.  Sometimes we do this the day before and sometimes we do this just before putting it on the grill.  If you rub in advance, of course, you get more flavor into the chicken.  But, as was the case for yesterday, we did it just before putting it on the grill and certain flavors in our rub played up better.  It's good either way.  Make sure to get some rub into the inner cavity of the chicken, too.

Once you've got the chicken rubbed, grab a can of beer.  Pop the can open and pour off (or drink) about 1/5 of the can.  Move your rubbed chicken and beer out to the grill.  Place the beer can in the butt of the chicken and stand the chicken up like a tri-pod on the grill.  You do not want this on direct heat so work wtih your grill to have the heat not be directly under the chicken.  We have a four-burner grill so we turn on the two outside burners while putting the chicken directly in the center.  This allows the chicken to slow roast which makes it super juicy.  Add the extra steam from the beer and it's just a super juicy flavorful chicken!

It takes between two and three hours for it to cook - but make sure you get the chicken to 160 F.


So have a fantastic Sunday, y'all!  And where ever you (in heaven), Mom, have a happy birthday!

03/06/10: Day 1

Wow.  Just wow.  I drink a smoothie for breakfast.  Already used to that.  I am not used to drinking a shake for lunch.  I don't like it.  :)  I'll get over it.  I will just keep reminding myself that this is only temporary.

What's hard, though, is not actually having a date for surgery.  Might I be having this in two weeks?  Might I be having this in four weeks?  If it's four weeks...I don't want to do this dagged diet for that long.

Thurs I sent an email to my advocate asking her to notify me via email, instead of calling my home phone, when she submitted my paperwork.  When I left that appt Thurs morning it was stated that they would try to get my paperwork submitted that day.  I still have an incredible window of opportunity at work right now for doing this.  If this can happen in the next two weeks, that's awesome.  If it can't happen in the next two weeks, my training will be interfered with as well as potential opportunities.  And, ultimately, this means this is screwing with a promotion that could happen this year if I can keep my ducks in a row.  All in all, this might start screwing with my career.  At the moment, it's still a gamble I'm willing to take, but talking to my sweet hubby last night, at some point I'm going to have to take control to preserve my career.  And that may mean putting this off until later in the year as opportunities are not a daily occurence.

So back to the story - the advocate finally emails me back yesterday and says that won't be a problem, she's working on it right now.  Hmmm...I guess the paperwork didn't get submitted on Thurs.  (I'm on the ball, aren't I?)  So then...half an hour later, I get another email.  As I see it sitting in my inbox I'm thinking - this is it!  Please let this be it!

The email says:

I am trying to get you submitted to insurance but your letter of medical necessity from your Dr. is not really a letter of medical necessity. A letter of medical necessity needs to include your BMI of 42.7 and any conditions that are exacerbated by your weight. It should also say that the doctor deems the surgery to be medically necessary.

I am going to try to submit with this letter but I am afraid it will get kicked back to me as needing a letter of medical necessity.

I just wanted to let you know.


Seriously?  I turned that letter in on Nov 5th.  She's had months to look at this stuff and from what I've been told, she has been verifying things all along the way.  Apparently not.  I could have had months to get this addressed.  I called my dr's office yesterday and she's out of town.  It will be Monday before I hear anything back.  I want to get that letter fixed in case it does get kicked back.  And here's why it's just a in case.

About twenty minutes later I get another email saying "nevermind.  I also have one from Dr. X"

Yeah, so maybe that other letter is fine.  But I was told back in the beginning that all dr's that provide following care must give me a letter of medical necessity.  That's why I got two.  So the one she says she also has is from my ob/gyn.  The one that isn't good enough is from my PCP.  My insurance company knows who is who.

I was so irritated.  It's one thing if I didn't get the letter to them in a manner that would have allowed them to make sure it was ok.  But I got it to them within the first month of starting the "unweightloss" program. 

We shall see.  But this all has me a little unmotivated to be drinking meals and starving myself.  I'm happy with the weightloss - since yesteerday I am down 3 pounds.  And I don't have to do anything to gain it back!  YAY!  Doing the happy dance!!!  But I don't know that I'm excited about this diet for longer than two weeks.  Odd thing there.  I could do this long term - and I know I will have a sucky diet until I am healed from surgery - but I need to know that there is an end.  And that's the part I don't know right now.

However, I'm not throwing in the towel.  If I get to two weeks have past and I'm still in the position of not knowing how much longer this will last, then I will re-examine how much longer I'll do such stark eating.  But for now, I'll keep going.

So with that said, my extraordinary dinner last night was shrimp scampi and cauli-rice.  They gave me a packet of recipes for the two week pre-op diet and there are some interesting things in there.  Have you ever had cauli-rice?  I think it's more like cauli-cous cous.  But I like it.  There are a ton of potential things to do with this.  However, the cauliflower should be sauteed, not steamed or boiled.  I did a pilaf with onions and a splash of chicken stock.  Once the onions were translucent I added the cauliflower and let them sit on the stove until the scampi was ready.  The nice thing is that you can't overcook it.  Since you aren't adding water or anything liquid, the cauliflower has nothing to absorb.  We all liked it.

So here's a pic.  The scampi had an amazing sauce and that sauce was also fantastic on the cauli-rice.  We will definitely be making it again!

If it weren't for having to drink lunch, I really wouldn't have a problem going with this diet for who-knows-how-long.  It's the drinking lunch thing that sucks.  And that will be the part I re-examine in two weeks if I still don't know where this is going.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's pic.  We did a beer-butt chicken with grilled zucchini and onions.
Here's the scampi recipe:
 
1 lb raw shelled deveined shrimp
2-3 cloves of garlic, crushed
2 tbsp lemon juice (I just used all the juice from one small lemon)
2 tbsp dry white wine or vermouth (I used vermouth)
1 tbsp olive oil
1 tbsp butter
salt and pepper
2 tbsp minced shallots
zest from lemon
 
1) Add oil to skillet and heat the skillet until hot.  While it's heating, salt and pepper the shrimp. Add the shrimp and cook 1-2 minutes stirring or turning it until it just turns pink.  You'll be cooking it a little longer at the end, so don't worry if you're not sure it's done in the middle.  Remove shrimp from heat.
2) Turn the heat down and using the same skillet, add the butter to the pan.  When the butter is melted, add the shallots and about a minute later, add the garlic.  Cook until fragrant.  Add the vermouth (or wine), lemon zest and lemon juice.  Stir to combine.
3) Add the shrimp back to the pan, stir and heat through. 
 
Serve over cauli-rice.
 
Nutritional Information:
makes three servings with 4g carbohydrates, 31 g protein, and 254 calories 
 
The Cauli-rice recipe:
 
1 head cauliflower
1 small onion, diced
1/4 cup chicken stock
1 tbsp olive oil
 
Get a head of cauliflower and run it through the food processor. You can use the metal blade or you can use a shredder option.  Add olive oil to a large saute pan (if using all the cauliflower) and allow it to heat.  Add the onions and saute until translucent.  Add the cauliflower and a smidge more olive oil, if desired.  Heat through.  Stir occasionally and season with salt pepper and chicken stock just prior to serving.