08/19/20: So fills are not all they are cracked up to be...

Do you want to be so restricted you can barely eat?  Is that why you got the band? 

Or do you want to have a feedback mechanism reminding you you don't need that other half a cup of food?

I think it's an interesting question, honestly.  I read a lot of blogs and it seems like people generally want restriction, want to be able to barely eat, want to even be limited in what they can eat.

That's not me.  And now I know why.

I learned something with the fill that was too much.

My clinic does surgery and starts you out with a fill.  The fill you get depends, supposedly, on how you did with the pre-op diet.  If it looked like you were serious and they thought you could handle a big fill, you got one.  If it looked like you were not serious, they worried a big fill might cause you problems, and so either it wasn't filled at all or it was slight.

Four weeks after surgery, you get your first fill.  At this clinic.  It's a pretty generous fill.

Two weeks later you are welcome to come in for a second fill.   It's also pretty generous.

Two to four weeks later you are welcome to come in for a third fill.  It is not so generous as, presumably, at this point, you should be getting to restriction.

Following the third fill, they stop recommending a time frame and tell you to pay attention to yourself.

So, for me, this translated to 1cc at surgery.  The surgeon told my hubby that I literally could not handle any more than that as my stomach would have been closed off.  My first fill was 1.5cc's.  And it changed my restriction quite a bit but slid back again pretty quickly.  My second fill, two weeks later, was 1.2cc's.  It changed my restriction quite a bit and was just starting to slide back when I went in for my third fill.  My third fill was 0.7cc's.  And IT CHANGED EVERYTHING.

Between fill #2 and #3, I started having to take foods off my eatable list.  Steak, pork, hamburger, lamb, shrimp, crab, lobster.  Yep.  I could eat chicken and fish.  And with chicken, it really did depend on how it was cooked.

Between fill #2 and #3, I had to take off potatoes - although I kept trying because mashed taters seemed like they should be ok.  I had to take off broccoli and asparagus.  I had to take off a whole gaggle of healthy things.

What I did, to keep calories reasonable (FOR ME at 900) was eat sliders.  Crackers, ice cream, chocolate, sesame sticks, and more bad stuff.

What was interesting to me was because I could not get protein in with ease, I had to turn to something.  And the something would stifle the beast momentarily, but it didn't keep me satisfied for long.  My calorie counts were still down, but it felt like I was always hungry.  And the stuff I was turning to, the sliders, were things I don't normally gravitate to...ever.  Not even when I was at my fatest and I ate and ate and ate...I still did not want ice cream or chocolate.  I DO NOT LIKE THE STUFF.

But I was.  I COULD NOT EAT.

So she took 0.2cc's out on Tues.  And to be honest, I think she could take more out next week again.  Maybe another 0.1, if not another 0.2cc's.

Because here I am...with less restriction...and I can eat. I can make my reasonable realistic choices and I CAN EAT them!  I can get my protein in and I'm satisfied.  I can get my protein in while it's hot and I don't feel the need to munch again in two hours.

I am not of the mindset that I want to be restricted.  I don't.  I want feedback.  But I also want freedom.  I trust myself, now, to make the better choice most of the time. 

She told me, as she was taking out the 0.2cc's that I'd probably want them back soon, probably next week.

Today, so far, two days later, I can say...."NOPE".  I do not want them back, as it stands right now.  I can eat.  I am satisfied.  So I'm eating less.  My stomach is no longer growling at me within two hours of eating "a meal".  My head is happy that what I wanted to eat was edible.

And I'm still restricted.  Still have to eat slow, still have to chew chew chew, still have to take tiny bites.  It's still there.  But it's just enough that I am where I want to be, getting feedback with freedom. 

Fills are a funny thing.  I used to be of the mindset that if you thought you needed one, then you probably did.  Now...now I think...if you aren't absolutely sure, then you probably don't.  If I'd listened to myself after fill #2 as it was becoming time for #3, I would have stopped it there.  I was given fill #3 while on my (.) and I'm wide open for that week.  So while that fill was fine for that time, it was absolutely wrong for the other three weeks of the month.  Never again will I get a fill during my period.  And never again will I get a fill if I'm not absolutely sure it's necessary.  I'd rather, personally, look to myself to be wise and reasonable about my choices and wait until I KNOW without a doubt that it's time.

Like I said, I trust myself with the choices now.  Before you know it...I'll stop tracking my calories and take GoBe off, too.  I'm finally starting to feel comfortable with what I'm doing.