08/10/10: Well then...

I love y'all for chiming in on whether to tell or not.  And I went round and round in my head all the way to Cali as I sat on the plane.  And ultimately, walking off the plane, I decided (with my husband) that I'd take it minute by minute and if it seemed appropriate to tell, I would.  And if it didn't...

So...now, before I tell the story, I'll say that this journey is MY journey.  It is not about my aunts or uncles or cousins or grandmother.  It is about ME.  It is about how I am taking care of ME.  And ultimately, to tell or not to tell has to be about making MY journey a successful one.  I don't believe telling (or not) has to do with honesty.  I believe that it has everything to do with stacking the odds in my favor that I will be successful long term.  And by long term I mean the rest of my life, in weightloss and in maintenance.

With that said, I will now say that my family has never been one of uber-support.  They are interesting people who have very diverse perspectives and views.  I love to spend time with them.  I love to travel with them.  I love to eat dinner with them and drink wine as we catch up and talk about current events.  I also love to go back to my own home where my REAL support network lies.

I do not walk away from my family feeling drained.  Nor do I walk away from my family feeling supported.  I DO feel cherished and loved for the perspective and character that I bring to the table.  At the end of the day, though, they are not now, nor have they ever been, my own personal cheering squad.  Yes, they want me to succeed.  But no, they do not want to invest in creating that outcome.

It's who they are.

Suffice it to say, the end result is I will never ever ever tell my family what I've done.  They will not support it, they will not understand it, they will not embrace it - and that could lead ME to not embrace MY own journey.

This is MY journey.  No one else's.  I must make it successful.  And only I can choose the best way for that to be my reality.  And I now KNOW that telling my family will be a pitfall not a prop-up.

So with that said, here's the story.

My aunt that we stayed with picked us up from the airport on Friday.  And the hub-bub at the airport as we loaded luggage and gave cursory hugs was enough for her to not have a second to notice the changes.  But when we got home and got things unloaded and settled, she really noticed and she really beamed.  She asked the obligatory "how" and so feeling her out, I said, 'less food more movement'.  We talked a bit about that.  I continued to feel her out and I continued to add in extra tid-bits.  Chew more, I said.  Don't drink with meals, I said.  Don't make anything off limits, I said, but instead, focus more on protein and portion and whether it's needed vs. wanted.  I talked about the importance of eating slow enough to really be able to recognize 'the full feeling' and how that also lets you savor the food more, which also means you can get away with less.  I talked about all that I've learned.  At one point I was about to spill because I thought she'd be ok with the story but the conversation was distracted by something and just never came back around.

This aunt, btw, was the aunt that I thought would be ok, would be supportive, would be my cheering squad.  But I don't think it's fair to tell her and then tell her to keep it to herself. 

Later in the afternoon, another aunt and my grandmother arrive.  And they ooh and ahh over the progress.  What are you doing, they ask?  I say, more movement, less food.  My aunt who I've talked with all day long about this expands on certain things I talked about.  And they all ooh and ahh and marvel at how I'm "figuring this out at 35 instead of waiting until [I'm] 50, like [they] did".

There will be more blogs this week about the conversations I had with my aunt (that we stayed with) on Friday.  Skinny mentality vs. "fat" mentality.  (Those are my words, not hers.)  I see speculation around the blogs about what skinny mentality must be and I can say, now, as an introductory bit, that she (a skinny person) thinks skinny people obsess over food MORE than "fat people".  I'll talk about that conversation later in the week but it was very interesting.  Put it this way.  With the changes I've made now...I have the "skinny mentality" going full force, if what she thinks/said is true.  All generalizations, though, so....

Back to the story.

My cousin and his wife show up.  Cousin is a stud-muffin and he knows it.  Not only is he a stud-muffin, but he lives in So Cal where appearance can be everything.  And he buys into that So Cal mentality.  The So Cal mentality I'm so thankful (now) to be away from.  (Sorry, So Cal'ians.)  His wife is one of the most gorgeous woman I know.  And so very little goes into her efforts to "look that way".  I don't believe she buys into the So Cal mentality.  She has the most amazing face ever, the cutest little figure with the cutest butt and the perkiest boobs.  She's perfect.  And then there's an ever better personality, so grounded, so real, so compassionate and sincere.  She's pretty remarkable and you find that even though you can't take your eyes off her because she's so gorgeous, you're not jealous about it at all, you're really just glad YOU know her!

Anyway, they ooh and ahh about how much I've changed.  My cousin is big into rock-climbing and being mentally and physically prepared for tough climbs so we talk nutrition and weightlifting and he's stunned that he hasn't got anything to "teach" me.  (In fact, I taught him a thing or two!)

Another uncle and his girlfriend show up.  I'm just meeting girlfriend for the first time but uncle oohs and ahhs and marvels a bit, too.

Eventually the conversation wanders away.  And while no opportunity had presented itself for "telling the truth", no reason for not coming clean had cropped up yet, either.

Friday evening was nice and relaxed with lots of hugs given because they were so glad I "was taking control".

Saturday - more aunts and uncles.   More oohs and ahhs.  But totally not appropriate then as it was the big party and games were being played, birthday candles being blown out...that kinda stuff.

And then Sunday.  Sunday it's all winding down and we are having one of our last get together's over lunch time before the first person heads off to the airport to fly home.  This person is aunt number two.  And she lives in TX.  And she says we need to make plans for our own little get together here.  And we start chatting.  And she says she's so "glad I'm taking charge".

And then she says "And I'm so glad you didn't do any of those assanine weight-loss surgeries.  Those surgeries are just so tragic and involve a great amount of dieting that is just way to prohibitive and then the gas and the bathroom issues that result.  It's just so tragic.  It's way better to just do it like you are doing it with being cognizant of what you are eating."

Education is everything.  That I know.  So here are some of my thoughts...

First.  She was really talking about bypass as she has a friend who underwent bypass and didn't really change his eating AT ALL so he endures dumping ALL THE TIME.

Since she was talking about bypass she either really doesn't know what the lap-band is or doesn't understand how they are different.  And yes, I could have educated her.  I really could have.  And I'm a case of someone that isn't on a lifetime diet.  I ate all that they ate this weekend and didn't endure any side effects from their poor food choices.  I ate four friggin' slices of birthday cake in two days.  It was my birthday and I wanted cake!  (And I didn't gain a single ounce all weekend because activity level stayed high!)  My calorie counts over the weekend were Friday = 930, Saturday = 1540, Sunday = 1148, Monday = 974.  I averaged 1140 calories over the weekend, which is high for me, but it was something I planned on.  Restriction was an issue at times and I did the slide the food to the hubbie's plate (like Band_Groupie in the beginning) a few times to resolve what they called "eating like a bird".  If they didn't see me not eating it, and there wasn't any food on the plate...it must have gone in, eh?  Sheesh, they were eating carbs left and right, sandwiches, bread, pancakes, potato salad, corn on the cob, pizza...there were carbs everywhere. 

She also proved that she doesn't really even know about bypass.  She assumed her one friend who doesn't want to follow a healthy diet and therefore has all his issues because of that was like all bypass people.  And that's not true.

And while she did have the point "bypass can't be undone", that's not the case with the band.

Yes, I could have educated her.  And maybe someday I will.  Without telling her I've done the band...I know how to "work" this aunt and I can give her the education without exposing my own little secret.

But I'll never tell her my own little secret because her true opinion came out.    That ship has sailed now.

And if I can't tell her....

I can't tell anyone in my family. 

Her comments, to me, were pushing me to come clean.  I suspect that after my husband and I left my grandmother's on Saturday night with an uncle and another aunt, that the conversation came up with those remaining at my grandmother's - two uncles, an aunt and a grandmother.  I believe they said something like this:

all others that were there: "she must have had..."
aunt: "I'll squeeze the juice out of her and make her tell tomorrow"

And a lot of people, when hearing that WLS is tragic, might very well have said "oh really?  Well...do I look like a tragedy?"  And I can say the thought did cross my mind.  But she kept going with how tragic it is.  And I realized, partly because of what she was saying but mostly because of past issues with her, that she's just not going to get it.  And she's going to try to derail me.  Maybe not by intent.  But she would spend some time trying to talk me into having this surgery undone.

Maybe she wouldn't.  I'll never know.  It's not worth the risk to me.

I have my support system locked and loaded.  My husband - he props me up.  My friends - they prop me up.  My blog-world - they get it and they support me and they cheer me on.  I know where I can turn for love and support to continue a successful fight.  I never thought it would be to my family - and I believe that it never will be my family.

So there's my story.

I am so very glad that I did not tell.  I went round and round and round in my head and with my husband.  I heard all of you that chimed in and I sooooooo appreciate that you did!  And I loved the perspectives and the advice and the input.  And were these "normal and sane" people, I believe that a lot of the advice would have been applicable.  But this was my family, my whacky, batty, nutty family.  And they, at least not all of them, won't get this.  They won't understand that it's me taking control, that it's me with all my anatomy and physiology in tact with a tool to help me help myself.  They won't get that it's me doing the work and that it's me using sound education to eat better.  They won't get that there are little tricks helping me use my tool like little bites and good chewing.  All they (most of 'em, but not all) will know/see/understand is that I'm weak and I'm so out of control that I have to become a walking tragedy to try and be better.

This aunt that said what she said, I believe she was speaking for herself as well as for others.  And I know that I can educate her without exposing my reality.  And maybe once that education occurs, maybe I can revisit this.  But by then...I best be at goal weight...and who cares.  It's MY journey!

It's MY journey and I am embracing it!