09/09/10: Ummm...

I can't imagine what you are thinking...seeing this here blog from me....a second post in as many days...after nothing for over two weeks...

But it's true.  A second post from me...two in one whole week.  Why is it that I either post way too much (and entirely too long) or not at all?  Can't I find a middleground?

So it seems that my crazy busy workload is taking a day off.  Man, but I wish I could, too.  But no, I have to sit here...with nothing doing...even though I have things to do...but I just can't...for various weird and asinine reasons.

So...I'll ramble at you instead.

Aren't you lucky!

(Yeah, I agree, yer not...)

So what shall we talk about today?

I could mention, again, that this spot at my main incision still hasn't healed.  I don't think it's infected, per se.  The problem is that it won't heal.  Every time it looks like it's about to, something gets it mad and it re-opens.  Of course, I can't guarantee what days it will look bad and what days it looks "OK".  So if I try to make an appt to go see my surgeon, well, invariably, the day of the appt is a look "OK" day.  Yesterday it looked "bad" so I called the RNP that I like.  And she said "you need to see the surgeon and you can see him Friday".  So I made an appt for tomorrow...and of course, today, the thing looks "OK".

Now, I am saying ok as "OK" because, to me, it does not in any way shape or form look ok.  It looks like a wound that will not heal.  And it looks, to me, because I can feel it, like there is something internally causing problems that are manifesting externally.  It feels, to me, like something is stuck inside.  And that something is rubbing on the inside.  And when it starts to look better, I apparently relax and start to do things, again, that "re-open" the wound.  I feel like something is stuck inside.

It's not the port, the port is lower than this problem.

I don't know what it is, though.  And I suspect, that just like the RNP I saw in August, my surgeon is going to say "it's ok" just like he did last time, back in July.  AND I AM GOING TO BE LIVID!

There is no reason for this not to be healing!  I am healthy.  I am taking care of myself (and this wound).  I am keeping it clean and constantly aware of it.  And it acts like it wants to heal and then it doesn't.

I want and need help and this is really starting to infuriate me.  It itches and it doesn't feel good when whatever is in there gets caught on a rib.

And I suspect I am going to get to pay some magical sum tomorrow to hear "it's ok".  I don't want a fill.  I want this thing to be looked at and I want to be able to speak my mind when they tell me "it's ok".  No.  It's NOT!  I can tell you what I feel...all you can tell me is what it "looks like" and while I no longer think it's infected and I also think it looks "ok" for something that won't heal or go away, it is NOT OK for something like this to still be there five months later.  I don't want this to go into next year when my deductibles and OOP Max will be reset.  I will be a livid "patient" tomorrow if they brush me off again.

I do know that a wound not healing in five months IS A PROBLEM!

Grrr....

So what else can I tell you?

Since I'm rambling...because I have nothing...and I still have two more hours to sit here...

The weather is too danged hot here.  I'm tired of summer.  Not being able to swim...I'm right back to how I used to feel about SE Texas in the summer.  I don't like it.  I grew up where "humid" meant 40% at the worst of summer...on the beach.

(OK, not really, but work with me.)

"Not humid" here means 60-70, but probably more like 80%.  UGH.  And we are never not humid in the "summer".  In fact, from June through July, we are either 100% or 110%.

I can tolerate the humidity when I can be in the water.  But because of danged-infuriating-won't-heal-wound, I don't feel like I should or can be in the water.  No pool.  No "hot" tub.  I'm even taking half baths to keep this thing out of the water when I'm in the tub in my bathroom.  Makes the typical 100% days of Houston unbearable to me.  Now add 99 degrees to that 100% and it's beyond unbearable.  Wah.

See how content I am?

Really...I don't think about all this.  I mean, yes, I think about this problem on my belly.  It won't let me not think about it as it begs to be scratched or hurts or whatever is in there gets stuck on my ribs.  But, for example, I have stopped looking at my backyard because I miss the pool too much.

Wah.

This will be a topic of conversation tomorrow.  I can assure you of that.  Given that swimming season is about over anyway, I may just say "to hell with it" and just enjoy the last swimming month we have.  The pool will cool off soon and that will be the end of that.

I realized...because of all of this...that I can look at this in a rather depressing way, too.

I only get to enjoy summer once a year.  So I only get to enjoy swimming for one season of the year and I've already had thirty five of them.  If I live to be eighty, then I only get forty five more of them.  And this one was taken away from me.  It was not (nor has it ever been) my first choice to not swim.  But I have seen that swimming is one of the things that makes this wound "re-open".  So to help it heal, I thought I'd take swimming off the table.  No swimming in the entire month of August and so far in September.  Do you know how much that's killed my spirit?  Swimming is my absolute favorite form of cardio and I can swim for miles and love every second of it (unlike running, walking, spinning, etc...nothing else appeals to me like swimming!)  It feels, in some way, like this is the summer that has been stolen from me.

I could look at it that way.  But that's depressing.  So I don't.  Because, generally speaking, I'm pretty content.

Granted, "summer" in Houston is longer than many other places in the US or in the world, for that matter.  Summer in Houston allows me to have a HOT pool (it's 93 degrees right now) for four months.  And a temperate pool (in the 80's) for a month before and another month after those four.  But no swimming for an entire month?  Do you get how miserable that makes me?  And, in spite of all that, this "thing" still won't heal.

Wah.

So what else can I share with you?

For the first time in who knows how long, football is not really grabbing my attention.  Not college ball...not pro ball...nothing.  I am just so blah about it all.  Sad.  Because with the start of college ball last weekend and the start of pro ball this weekend, my husband has left me.  And I won't get him back 100% until after the superbowl...

I used to join him.  But, so far, it appears I'm not this year.

Have you read the Twilight series?  I am finishing book four now.  I saw Twilight and decided I did want to read the books after resisting for years.  Read the first book and it was pretty good.  But books two and three were disappointing and long to me.  Now, though, book four I am enjoying.  This past weekend we decided to watch Twilight again.  I want to see the rest of the movies now, too.  But watching Twilight again, I am wondering why I liked the movie.  So much missed, so many characters are just not who the book makes them be.  And while I know that the characters are a matter of personal interpretation, talking to some friends about this, we all think they really missed the mark on Rosalie, for example.  Any opinions?

Great.  One and a half hours to go.  I hope my hubby gets to me early today.

I've bent your eyes long enough.  Don't hate me, ok?  I ramble when I can...whether you need it or not!

It's almost the weekend!  YAY!!!  Hopefully I've helped you get a little closer to yours...