12/02/10: Looking Forward

Good Morning, y'all. 

Grief is an interesting thing.  All I'm gonna say is mornings seem to be much easier than afternoons seem to be much easier than evenings.  As the day wears on, the grief gets me more and more.  I know that over time, the mornings will bleed into the afternoons which will eventually bleed into the evenings getting me back to being "content".

And content is what I strive for.  Happiness is fleeting....and so is grief.  To find peace, I find contentment.  Eventually, I'll get back there...

So, while I'm in a good mood, I figured I'd blog and give y'all a break for the "SIGH" that is my life right now.

I have found myself a new surgeon.  Aren't you thrilled for me?  I took the recommendation of a friend from a local support group that I meet up with, usually once a month.  This friend from that group absolutely loves her surgeon and has done very well with her journey.  He is not "in network" for me, so I'll pay a little more, but rapport matters more to me after the experience I've had.  The thought that he might care about my progress matters to me.  The idea that maybe, if he'd been my surgeon all along, he'd have helped me with this incision issue, that matters to me.

And turns out...he sees people on Saturdays, too.  So I will no longer have to impact my work week for follow-up and after care.  Doesn't mean I won't...but I won't have to.  And I'm pretty sure that because of the sheer number of Dr.'s appts I have had this year, I'll be sticking to Saturday's for awhile!  Especially given the number I've had since October...at least one a week...it's all too much!  Course, now that things are settling, the number of appts should settle, too.

I have an appt this Saturday for an initial consult as well as for a fill.  I need a fill.  I can eat entirely too much.  I'm not so worried about the scale; I am currently considering myself to be up four pounds over the weight I was pre-pregnancy which is not bad considering I'm still not normal or even right.  Not knowing what my hormones are doing is really playing with my ability to lose weight - or even hold steady.  I know that hormones can also play with my band and tightness/wide-open-ness...but I'm nearly not banded right now.  I've not had a fill since July and had a bit of an unfill in August...so...I'm figuring it's time.  Of course, I will talk to this new Dr. on Saturday and lay it all out there.  He may very well want to not do anything right now - and I'll respect that. 

As for the incision issue...went back to my Derm yesterday.  Culture is still showing no growth - but he said it'd still be too early to declare 'no infection' since it's been three weeks and they need at least six to see what they think they are going to see.  In the meantime, he did give me something to deal with the itch.  He is thinking that there is a possibility that this is just a 'buried suture' in which case either my body will eventually spit it out or my body will eventually get used to it.  And dealing with the itch until then is the biggest "issue".  The original cream my previous surgeon gave me for dealing with the itch was a "chlorinated steroid" which tends to cause a severe acne response.  Because of that, no other drug-makers started in with the chlorinated steroids and they are not widely dispensed except by PCP's that don't follow steroid impacts/updates/issues.  My Derm said that now that it's not a name-brand drug, now that generics are available, that's really just made that particular steroid cream even worse.  Even still, the surgeon should have known steroid+pregnant=bad.  There's no way out of that for the previous surgeon.

What my derm gave me now is a 'fluorinated steroid' and he assures me it won't have the severe acne response with it.  But again, if I get pregnant, discontinue immediately.  In my mind...when we get to the point where we start trying again...I won't be using/taking anything other than pre-natals.

Trying again is an interesting topic, too.  To me.  My Ob said last week again...'wait for two normal cycles before you start trying again'.  And after I have two normal cycles, I am supposed to go back in to see him.  I can now say that, after some issues on Thanksgiving that I was reacting to - issues I wouldn't normally react to, I'm not ok and I'm not ready to move on.  Moving on right now would be burying grief and sadness and if I bury it, it's likely to haunt me later.  I need to deal with it now and move on later.  So...I'm not ready to try again.  I don't think hubby is, either.  Although he declared to me two days ago - he's more interested in trying for a baby this time than he was last time.  Interesting.  That's a whole 'nother blog...

Sandy Lee...I gotta tell ya, your comment yesterday made me cry tears of happiness and relief.  How was it not obvious to me that hormones are crazy right now and so, therefore, are my reactions!  I have no idea what is going on with my body right now.  I'm not normal yet.  It's all regulating itself back out, still.  I am one of those people that once I know what's wrong, I can calm down and relax and get through it.  But I couldn't pin my finger on this.  And there it was, clear as day, thanks to you - hormones.  Thank you for that!  I really needed that.  That actually did a lot to help me last night and hopefully going forward as well! 

I will say that my reactions to what's going on with my aunt and uncle...all very similar throughout my family.  My uncles, my aunts, my cousins, just like me...we are all shocked and finding ourselves all just overcome with emotions at times.  We are turning to each other, though, and finding solace in not being alone in these feelings.  This, with my aunt, is so very different than it was with my mom.  When my mom was first diagnosed, it was still beatable, or so we thought.  We clung to hope and didn't even contemplate despair; when it was my mom.  We all embraced each other but emotions like we are feeling now were not like they are now.  Towards the end, after it was declared terminal, things changed...but we'd had a year and a half to come to grips with everything.  This is so sudden, seemingly, anyway.  And unlike with my mom, we know enough now, at this stage, one week into the whole thing, to know, my aunt is not going to survive this.  And that's just shocking.  We don't know how long she has - could be two years, could be five, could be six months.  But she will never have all of her mental faculties back in full force.  She will never be rid of this tumor.  She will never not have to fight.  And that makes her story entirely different than my mom's.

Anywho...

Thank you to all of you for taking the time to give me affirmation and to allow me to vent.  I'm not worried about the unfollowers - like I said, 'sleep well, my friend'.  If they can live with their actions, more power to 'em.  May they never need a shoulder to cry on...

And they very well could have been deleted accounts.  Troubling thing was that it was not just one...or two...

To everyone that is offering encouragement and support either through comments or prayers or thoughts or even just by reading my blog, I appreciate you.  I appreciate it all and can only express my love and gratitude for this world that I stumbled upon.  What a difference this has made/is making on my life.  Thank you all!