09/07/2012: Howdy September

It's getting pretty depressing around here.  It seems like every time I open my blog I've lost another "follower".  Apparently a blog about my situation, about my life, with my perspective and my opinion isn't worth following.  I know some of y'all have been with me from the beginning and I appreciate beyond measure that you're sticking with me.  And I get why people would not want to read this anymore.  It's depressing and I keep iterating and reiterating the same old crap.  I just gotta say I really hope life never hits those people.  Because when life hits, it stings.  And when we are stung, having people around us to love us helps take the sting out; reminds us of the better days that we are trying oh so hard to get back to.

I think what's saddest is not necessarily that I keep seeing that number drop.  It's that I'll suddenly realize "who" I lost as I'm reading someone's blog.  Someone who I used to be on their sidebar of blogs they love so much they want to advertise even - and I'm no longer there.

Just ouch.

I've been blogging for 3 years now.  I started in LBT and moved my blog here in Jan 2010, so I've been on blogger for over 2.5.  I didn't gain any followers at all, really, last year, because I rarely blogged once I went on bedrest.  But for the majority of my blog, it's not been down and out.  It's not been me in pain dealing with an incredibly large number of doctors.  It's not been me getting way too up close and personal with a devastating disease that I can only hope never affects you.  Because at the end of the day, most all of my follwers, all but 2 or 3, I think, are women - and I don't think those 2 or 3 are even blogging anymore, let alone reading blogs they "follow".  But don't think for a second this can't happen to you.  If I'd never gotten pregnant and had the absolutely most amazing beautifuls enter my life, I might not have ever wound up with severe endo, too.  And if anyone thinks for a second I'm beating a dead horse here with my iterating and reiterating life with endo, well, isn't that what blogs are for?  To talk about that which we are enduring?  I read mommy blogs where people go on and on and on about their beautiful little girl day in and day out.  I would never begrudge you that.  But I'm being begrudged my own journey - a hard one to boot, one in which just knowing people are there helps.  One of the few things I have to look forward to with each blog I write is that maybe someone might read it and learn, maybe someone else dealing with the same thing might realize she's not alone, maybe someone might take the time to comment.  But to see that people don't even want to read me anymore, that people feel like I should handle this alone...stings.

I am strong, though.  I will make it through this battle and I'll get back to me.  I'll get back to my fun stuff intermixed with my weightloss sprinkled with tons of fun with my beautifuls.  And at the end of the day, I don't blog for anyone at all.  I blog for me.  If someone out there wants to know what life with the band is like, I think this is a decent blog to learn from. I am still showing what it's like.  For a woman with endo, this is a learning experience.  The endo is so bad and so far from the source right now that it's even affected my band - and I've blogged about that.  This is a journey to embrace, this is my life.  Yes, I'm struggling with embracing endo, but I certainly embrace my life and if people can't see that, then by all means, unfollow me.  Because my life is beautiful.  I don't struggle with anything at all right now except endo.  And this is my outlet for that.  If you choose to slight me instead of helping me with a simple thing like a follower count, then like I said above, may life never hit you.

I know it's not the first time that I've blogged this ouch, but it still stings to learn that someone I love, someone who used to claim to love me, someone I still follow and someone I look forward to reading - she chose to secretly vanish from my life.  She wants love and support from me but she can't reciprocate and that stings.  And each of these stings has hurt me.  That they keep happening stings.  But in the end, it doesn't matter.  What matters is that September is here and we are staunchly into the month.  I am so excited!

This weekend is the first weekend of college football for me.  I'm an Aggie, of course (Texas A&M) and I'm so excited about the Ags joining the SEC.  We should have had a game last Thurs but it was postponed because of hurricane Isaac.  So this is our first game tomorrow, against Florida.  We, the Aggies, are playing Florida - and we're the favorites.  How bizarre is that?  I just pray that the Ags have a great first season in the SEC, that we can get back to competitive.  I don't expect it to be roses our first year in the SEC.  But I do expect we will finally start to grow.

I am also looking forward to our first "cool front".  It's supposed to be 65 and not humid when we wake up Sunday morning!  We have a day next week where we don't break out of the 80's.  SO EXCITING!  I love me some fall with the long shadows and cooling temps and football.  It's still very early to be proclaiming excitement about these things - it doesn't get nice here until Oct and it's not consistently nice and pretty and just amazing until November.  But we're getting there.  And that's exciting to me - because this summer killed me.  Being in pain doesn't make heat more tolerable!

I am also looking forward to the boys first birthday.  We are already planning their party!  I had shirts made for them.  One says "It's his first birthday" and has a left arrow.  The other says "It's his first birthday" and has a right arrow.  I can't wait to see them in their shirts sitting side by side!

We started them on table food at daycare this week and it's fun to see them trying new foods and feeling new textures and learning new tastes.  I love how Green just moves the food around in his mouth to get the texture and the taste.  Once he's made his discoveries, either the tongue goes popping out letting the food fall off his tongue, or the mashing starts.  It's so cute!  Blue, on the other hand, just mashes.  If he likes the taste once it's mashed, he'll swallow.  Otherwise, he pushes the food in front of his tiny little teeth and it'll just sit there until it falls out on it's own.  It's so funny!  It's so amazing how differently they process everything.  They tend to usually come to the same conclusion but they sure do get there in different ways.

As far as the endo goes, no real news there.  I see doc-specialist in about a week and a half and I just can't wait for that appt.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do if he opts to not help me.  I'm praying that it doesn't go that route.  If he does help me, my game plan on the other side of surgery with him is to start back on Depo Provera.  I believe that being on Depo for two big chunks of my 20's is the reason why endo wasn't worse - wasn't even a problem, really - for me before getting pregnant.  I know getting Depo out of my system when we are ready to get pregnant again is not easy for me, but living with endo is far worse.  I cannot let it continue to grow. If only it were as easy as just starting Depo now.  I cannot believe how rock hard my stomach is right now.  It just keeps growing and growing.  My husband tells me it actually looks inflamed.  You'd never know my band didn't have a drop in it because while I am not tight, I am pretty snug as far as the stomach opening goes.  I can eat but some foods are definitely tricky and getting trickier.  I really hope doc-specialist helps me.

Such a scary place to be.  Hoping for surgery.  Who does that?  Especially given that this is probably going to be pretty invasive and will definitely impact taking care of my beautifuls.  Just ugh.

Ok...that is all.  I hope everyone has a great weekend!  I sure plan to with friends and football and swimming and grilling!

And finally,

For those of you that follow me but don't comment for whatever reason - I love you.  Thank you for sticking with me.  Just knowing you are there helps me!

For those of you that do comment - I love you, too.  When I get that little email telling me there's a comment and showing me what the comment is, it gives me a moment of thinking of how awesome a few little words are.  For a brief moment, the pain goes to the back-burner.  I hope you never have to know this for yourself - but it helps so very much.