12/16/09: I had this realization...

I had this realization yesterday that I am getting closer and closer to something. I am past the halfway point of this ridiculous program and I am also moving further and further away from that halfway point... And like with Thanksgiving where I ended up finally getting too busy to think about it all...time is flying. I realized yesterday that by the time the holiday dust settles, it will be time for appointment number four.

Appointment number four means I have only two more remaining. And I seem to gather from the people that have to do this that the last two months actually do fly by - especially the last month. But all of the sudden, yesterday, I realized, I AM making progress.

I don't know what I weigh right now. That's frustrating. Every time I eat something, I end up back in the bathroom. Still not 100% after last week and I'm sure this cold isn't helping. But the scale is all over the place right now, just like my body. It's very strange....

As for my crafts, things are plugging along. I have about five scarves left to make. And this weekend I have blocked out at least 8 hours for etching all my glass. I should get the glass done this weekend (and hopefully even wrapped) and 2 of the 5 scarves don't have to be ready until Dec 31. So I'm calming down as I'm realizing I'm going to be alright...

It also feels good to have the house decorated finally. That was something that just didn't seem to be coming together this year, which is very odd! We get a live (or rather a dead) tree and because it's a live (dead) tree and it's just going to lose needles we've always gotten them 2 weeks before Christmas. It's up for two weeks and then one week after Christmas and by then it really is fuel. But the tree is the last thing up. The weekend after Thanksgiving we get our outside lights up and put all the rest of the decorations out.

Outside lights got up. And that was that.

And then I started to go crazy with the crafts.

And then I got sick.

And still the decorations didn't get out. Hubby had very dutifully gotten everything out of the attic when he got the lights out. But all the boxes sat in the garage for the longest time...

This past weekend all the decorations finally got themselves out and situated (mostly). It's so weird to feel like this Christmas just has no momentum. But that's what it feels like. Don't want to spend money, don't want to travel, don't want to...anything, really. I am enjoying the parties but it's just off. And it's weird.

I also have this persistent thought in my head about what this time next year will be like. Will I be banded? Will I have lost weight? Will I be more willing to spend money? Will I still have a job? Will I...anything?

I haven't told anyone this (will tell my hubby but no one else) but I decided on Monday I wanted to take pictures to send a photo card as our Christmas card this year. So we took the pic Monday night and got the cards ordered. They will arrive today and we will get them in the mail this weekend (nothing like the last minute Christmas card). I HATE the way I look in pics right now. And I have NEVER sent a photo card before. But I wanted to send one this year. I know my family thinks I'm hideous (and so do I) but I WANT them to see the "before". I just hope that this time next year I can take some pics that are showing movement towards the "after".

So will I be banded? You see...just about everything I do this year for Christmas is equating to "what will it be like this time next year?" Go to a Christmas party? Oh, all right. But I don't have anything cute, fun and festive to wear. And I certainly don't want to buy anything. I don't want to spend the money AND I don't want to buy this size AND nothing is flattering anyway! So what will it be like next year?

I hate this, to be honest. I like to live my life now. I like to live my life today. And I feel like I'm in this holding stage - being held hostage by the insurance company - where I have to just sit here and wait to start living my real life. I JUST WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT!

Ugh.

I guess this is turning into a rant fest and for that I am sorry. Sure didn't start out with that intention...

Oh well. As frustrated and irriated as I am, I am still enjoying myself. It's just not the normal feelings, that's all. It doesn't help that one of our friends in our tightnit neighborhood is moving away all the way to Iowa. They basically have their house all packed and ready to go as the truck arrives to haul their stuff off on Dec 26th and they want to enjoy Christmas at this point. So we are trying to get together nightly for dinner. Although I'm actually not worried about the eating aspect - I'm finding that I am making good choices. No desert...small, if any, servings of ONE carb...

It will be good to go back to my own cooking, though. I DO love to cook!

And so here I am. I think the Christmas season has me firmly in it's grip....

12/14/09: The Christmas bells are ringing...

The holidays are in full swing and I don't know where I'm going anymore. I have that crazed approach to everything that only the holidaze can create. I'm having fun and I'm along for the ride but I'm already eager for January when I can stop knitting!

I feel like I have to worry about my weightloss AND my "unweightloss" this month. I can't lose too much. But I HAVE to lose some. I'm shooting for another month of losing 3.5 I'm down because of my bout with gastroenteritis last week - but I don't know what I'm down because now my hormones have taken over and they ALWAYS make me gain at least 5. It will be next weekend before I know where I am. It's kind of a ridiculous feeling to have to worry about losing weight - but not too much - while also worrying about not losing weight at all - and being a scale-aholic - not being able to get on the scale and see SOMETHING either way this week kills me.

My one saving grace is cold (or coolish since this is Houston) weather always makes me lose weight. I have generally ALWAYS lost weight over Thanksgiving and Christmas. Between all the prep and running around - and you add in the coolish weather and my body is happy with that - it leads to "easy" drops in weight...

So my running around is driving me crazy.

In efforts to conserve money this year my husband (HA) and I decided to make what we could. We is a funny funny word when it comes to crafts. He's happy to be conserving money. But that's where his involvement ends. I am knitting scarves for just about everyone. It turned out to be 16 scarves and I've got 9 done. I'm feeling better about getting the scarves done after this weekend.

I am also etching glass for everyone. Not quite as many peeps as the scarves are being made for. But...with this endeavor I AM feeling like I'm running out of time.

I am also about to start my bakefest. I make sugar cookies, gingerbread men, pecan butter balls, english toffee and fudge. I give most of it away. I will eat about 3 or 4 sugar cookies over about two weeks and my only weakness of all of that is the pecan butter balls.

Add to that, what we are buying or have bought needs to get wrapped.

And all the while, sweet loving adorable hubby is sitting on the couch watching football or standing in front of the tv playing WII golf.

Thanks, Dear.

Of course, what can he do? Does a man knit? He actually will help with the baking, though - we have had fun with that every year since we met. And he is a good wrapper so if I get desperate enough, I can beg and plead for him to help. Not there yet - and I love to wrap myself. I see a night next week where we are both on the floor with our wrapping factory in full force.

I love this time of year and hate that I spent last week sick as a dog. I lost four days last week to not being able to do anything other than run to the toilet. But such is life. Last week did have a purpose of some sort, so whatever's clever and all that... (Not sure I know what it was, but I subscribe to the theory that everything happens for a reason....)

12/11/09: Ugh...

I feel like I have been the walking textbook of contagious disease. At least I am finally back to walking...

It's been crazy, that much I know. Last week I ended up with the first migraine I'd had in over two years. Surprising.

Over the weekend - felt great and fine.

Monday morning, nice and early I was hit with something but for the life of me, couldn't figure out what it was...

Food poisoning didn't make sense. Nothing I ate made anyone else sick. And the lapse between the last meal and onset of symptoms was far too great. But the flu didn't make sense either. No exposure to it and while some symptoms were present, others were not.

Went home sick Monday. Tuesday felt much better but still could not eat and so ended up with a overall feeling of lethargy. Went home sick Tuesday, too. Made it through more of the day, though.

Tuesday night after sleeping for hours and hours and hours I thought I could eat. So hubby obligingly went and got me the meal du jour. I ate it. It was good. I was happy.

Wednesday morning way before bright and early I knew that was a wrong choice.

Wednesday I just stayed home and vowed to go to the doc. My PCP couldn't see me, her schedule was full - but another doc in the practice had availability. GREAT! Just don't make me pay the urgent care fee - I'll be happy to see anyone for my normal copay.

Wednesday morning, as I was trying to get to sleep in between hourly trips to the restroom, it occurred to me - this might be gastroenteritis.

Wednesday afternoon it was confirmed.

I was told it was viral which meant I could take some OTC's to relieve the most annoying symptom of all. I was also given a scrip for phenargen so that I could start to ingest water and watered-down-gatorade. I was also told to stay home on Thurs as it was quite contagious.

Thursday, feeling better and finally rested, I started to come down with a cold that I knew was lurking in the sidewings. Apparently with enough energy to consume, NOW the cold feels like it can make it's presence known. So today is the stuffed up, coughing, aching (which has been there all along), can't breathe day. Oh well. I'll take this over the last thing if I've got no other choice...

Since Monday at 6:30 am I have lost 10 pounds. SOOOOO not how I wanted to lose 10 pounds! We'll see where I end up when things "normalize". Is this my 10 pounds for the month leaving me with the option of eating-what-I-want-over-Christmas?

12/08/09: Half way there

I have had an interesting time since last blogging.

Thursday I woke up grumpy as all get out. My hubby and I carpool and for the life of him, that morning, he could do nothing right. I griped and complained and tore new a-holes all while he sat patiently by my side waiting for it to end. Just about the time we were getting to the freeway for our drive in Houston I realized...I was getting a migraine. First one in over two years.

I dallyied with the idea of going home but thought, nah, it will all be ok. So we got on the freeway - me still griping away at my sweetheart of a hubby. And we were just about out of Clear Lake when the pain and the auras kicked in. I was done. I turned around and went home.

Hubby got back in that same car and went to work. I closed the drapes and the doors and silenced the phone and crawled into bed. And I stayed that way all day with blankets over my head even though the room was pitch black.

Yeah, not having a migraine in over two years seems to have led to a build up. Thursday night I was worse than ever and took some of my hard core migraine meds. Those made me feel like crap but the migraine did lessen up a bit. And so when I woke up Friday morning, I decided to take the day again.

You see, Friday, in Houston...IT SNOWED! So I figured - why fight the crazy weather and the bad drivers when I still have a bit of a migraine? Turns out I should have gone in. I would have been knocked off at noon - because they understand that no one in Houston knows how to deal with snow and ice. So I would not have had too much time staring at a monitor on Friday.

Oh well.

Hubby got to come home early, too. And we sat on our couch watching tv, keeping the fire going, while praying that the snow would start to stick. All day on Friday we hovered around 36-38 and so the snow never did stick. But about five miles to the west of us they did have the lower temps and the snow DID stick. I think we would have had about 4 inches if it had stuck, it snowed just about the whole day - started at 8am and didn't stop until 5pm.

Oh well.

I did apologize to hubby for my crazy behavior Thursday morning, too, and, being the sweet man that he is, said, "It's ok". No...it isn't...but thank you for thinking so.

Miraculously, I was fine all weekend.

Maybe that's irony. From my employer's perspective, anyway.

Yesterday I woke up feeling like general he!!. I got up and ran straight to the toilet. Felt like I had to throw up but I couldn't get my bum off the toilet long enough to make the switch. One of those days.

But yesterday was two things. One - it was my third weigh in. Two - it would be my third day off from work if I didn't go in.

That's significant because of our sick time policy. We have no limit to the amount of sick days we can take. Of course, you don't want to take any days. But most employers say six days or eight days and leave it at that. My employer says take what you need - but if you are gone three days or more then we want a Dr. note. Fair enough.

I didn't really want to go to the dr. Still don't. I don't know if I have the flu or some sort of weird food poisoning. Doesn't seem like food poisoning would make sense because it kicked in yesterday at 6:30 am and I hadn't eaten anything since Sunday at 5pm. That's not the normal time span between eating the bad thing and being affected by the bad thing. There is a bug going around my neighborhood - but it's all been sinus and chest related for them. So I'm not sure where I might have been exposed to the flu.

And since I wanted to go to my weigh in I decided I'd go to work and do what I could and leave if I needed to.

So the weigh in. After dropping the ten pounds earlier in the month, I managed to enjoy my Thanksgiving and was down a mere 3.5 from my previous weigh in. So, overall, I'm down 7 pounds from where I started back in October.

Everyone was AMAZED that I managed to lose weight over Thanksgiving. If only they knew!

The appt was good. They asked what I did and I told them. (increased my protein) They asked why I wasn't working out at the gym and I told them. (I'd lose weight too easily) The nutritionist asked why I wasn't wanting to lose the weight and I told her. (it's so not that I don't want to lose weight but that my insurance says I must "fail" this program) And then she said ok.

I, for reasons unknown to me, met with the nutrionist again yesterday and she at first wanted to coerce me (yes, I'm using that word) into just losing the weight. But I spelled it out for her. It's not that I can't lose this weight on my own. It's that I have never been able to keep it off! Oh...good point. I know I'm fooling myself here but it seems I might have actually gotten through to her yesterday.

The Nurse Practitioner I saw yesterday, though. I LIKE HER. I want to see only her from here on out! I LIKE HER A LOT! She understands the insurance joke. She didn't and doesn't want me to screw myself out of this. Her point all along has been "lose 2 to 4 pounds in this next month". 3.5 is good.

She did tell me that she thinks I will do very well with this. I think she was also banded - and is doing very well with her weightloss. That's my speculation. I saw three people come in yesterday and ask if she was there. And when the answer was yes, they would then say then I want to see her. I think that speaks volumes! I feel the same way. I didn't have the confusion leaving there like I did last time. I didn't feel like someone was pushing me one way or the other for some reason or another. It was a great visit.

Her reasoning for why I will do well? In my first visit she told me to:

1) get my psych consult done
2) get clearance from a cardiologist
3) get a letter of medical necessity from my PCP
4) get a letter of medical necessity from my Ob/Gyn
5) do the nutrition consult at my next visit

So I got the ball rolling on all of that stuff immediately. And it was good to not have waited because some of those things required two or three visits and ended up spanning Oct AND Nov. I turned in what I could last month and turned in the last of it this month.

She told me usually she says "do this" and then they come in for visit two and she says "do this" and then they come in for visit three and she says "do this" and then they come in for visit four and she says "do this or else" and then they come in for visit five and she says "seriously, if you don't do this, this won't happen".

They didn't have to reiterate a single thing with me. The nut said "eat more protein" and I did. Now she says "eat more fiber". Yeah...I'm not really going with that one. I'm plenty regular and it's because of my smoothie that I am. Do I get 30g of fiber a day? Maybe not, I'd have to calculate it out. But I know my body is getting what it needs. Not only do I get that smoothie but I also eat a lot of fiber rich veggies. Now, the one thing I do know is that if this regularity ever changes, then yes, I'll add fiber. But for now, I think I'm alright. And hubby is, too.

Anywho. To go on with why she thinks I'll do well - she didn't have to reiterate a single thing. And add to that - I lost weight over Thanksgiving. (If only they knew ). And finally, add to that - I seem to be motivated.

So from there I headed to work. Still hadn't ever thrown up but sure felt like I should. Got to work and started to try and settle in. And then I had to run to the bathroom. Got back to work and started to settle in. And then I had to run to the bathroom. And then it happened. For not having had anything to eat in 18 hours (5pm through to 11am) my stomach sure said otherwise!

So then I went home.

My boss is out today...

I'm here again, today. Still feel like crap. But my system is empty so that has helped a bit. From 6:30am yesterday to 6:30 am today I lost just over 7 pounds. Like I said, my system is empty!

And that's what I know.

I had a question about how this six month program worked. Would I have 7 visits or 6? You'd think - a six month program, that there would be a 7th to close out the 6 months. But no. I only have 6. So I have now completed 3. Which means I'm half way there. Which means I'll be done in March. Which means an April banding could be a possibility - if I get approved and all goes well.