12/12/2012: Not gone, not forgotten

I know some would like to see me really be gone.  Others could care less.  And fewer still actually might be happy to see a blog come across from me.  Luckily for me, I blog for myself.  So, here I am.  It's been a month since I last blogged and that seems crazy.  The good news is, there just isn't much to ramble about.  Nothing's changed.  Husby still has cancer.  I still have endometriosis.  And my beautifuls are more beautiful - and fun - than they've ever been before.

The boys really are awesome.  And I say that in a completely 100% biased mom sort of way.  They are just so much fun!  I have to admit that I was a little scared of this stage.  The stage where they start walking and talking and truly getting into everything.  Would I be enough?  Could I entertain them enough?  Could I keep them safe enough?  Could I keep them fed enough?  Could I keep them warm enough on cold days and cool enough on warm days?  Just enough - could I be enough?  Well....my fears seem to have no basis in reality.  They love me more than ever.  They love Husby more than ever, too.  We want to be with them all the time - and they want to be with us all the time.  They are constantly excited about seeing what we will say or do next.  Turns out - we are enough.  In fact, we are more than enough.  We are exactly what they want.

What a beautiful feeling that is.  To be what your baby boys "want".

It is just.  So.  Much.  Fun.  I am eager to get up every morning to see what we're going to get into next.  I am way too eager to get home from work to see what's in store that evening.  I am just eager to be with them.

They love their daycare.  That is the one thing that makes being a working mom not so hard to take.  Yes, I would rather be a SAHM.  I would rather be with them all the time.  But they need more than me.  They really do.  They thrive on having multiple people involved with them day in and day out.  They, like their mom and dad, love having access to multiple people.  They love the various personalities.  They love that some people are more fun and some people are sweeter.  They love the variation.  They love the different toys and the different things they do at daycare vs. at home.  They are all too happy to stay home with me when I'm off work.  But they are incredibly thrilled when we pull in the daycare parking lot.  When we start to get them out of their carseats every  morning they are wiggling so much to get out of those seats and into their "classroom".  There is just a level of extra they get from daycare that they don't get with just me.  And they know the difference and like it.  It's a pretty amazing thing to see.

So...since my blog is less about weightloss these days and more about the fun of parenting twins...I think I'm going to change directions with it.  Not much sure how yet.  Whether I'll take this one down and start all over or whether I'll let this one morph into something new.  I do know that my journey to embrace is about far more than life as a bandster.  I've alienated some by talking about my beautifuls so I guess before I alienate more I need to say, this is what my blog is now.  If you don't like it, I'm not begging you to stay.  If you don't like me, I'm not asking you to start.  This is who I am, this is my life, and I will not feel guilty for it or be made to feel out of place for wanting this life that I have these days.

So who knows.  Just don't be surprised if this vanishes one day or if my history disappears.  It would be nice to share this with my family but I don't want to share my bandster life with them in the way that I have blogged in the past.  So, like I said, who knows what I am going to do.  All I know is change is imminent.  Now isn't that life?

11/15/2012: Nothing doing

I've been quiet.  I don't really know why.  It's not that I have nothing to say.  I guess, though, what I have to say has already been said.  Endometriosis sucks.  The surgery I had in September appears to have done next to nothing to give me relief.  I can't say nothing, but it sure is next to nothing.  I'm still living in pain.  Apparently this is my life.  Sadly, I have no idea what to do next.  What else can I say?

That's all I'll say about that.

Here's something for your viewing pleasure.

I just love that picture.  So happy.  They are so amazingly perfect.  They are so much fun and that's starting to mean more and more every day!  They are so close to walking.  It's so cute to see them working through this process of learning to walk.  They've both taken multiple steps and then when they realize that's what they are doing, they promptly sit down and laugh. It's so cute!  We'll catch them standing up without holding onto anything and then just start doing squats.  Yes, down and up, down and up.  Not just down.  If they can do that, surely they can walk.  It almost seems like it's an active decision not to at this point.

They've technically moved up to the next room in daycare.  I say technically because they still actually spend the majority of their time in the infant room.  But we are now paying the toddler room price.  It's hilarious - the teacher in the infant room and the teacher in the toddler room are very actively arguing over who gets them.  The infant room teacher doesn't want to lose them.  She says they are the only reason she laughs all day long.  The toddler room teacher is eager to get them in her room.  She says they are always into something and all the kids are always wondering what's going on next door.  The toddler room and infant room are divided by a half wall so they can pass kids back and forth to make the transition easier.  In the infant room they have cribs but in the toddler room they get cots.  So naptime alone can be a major transition.

Anywho.  Want more pics?  K.  Here goes.

I love these baby boys so much.  A little while back I came across a blog about a little boy named SuperTy. He was fighting cancer, a particularly rare and aggressive form of brain cancer.  I posted a blog of my own to share the family's blog and have been following them ever since.  SuperTy died in October.  On my boys' birthday.  I'm home right now through the rest of the week because of my fun-filled battle with endo.  To pass the time, I'm going back and reading that blog from the start.  SuperTy battled cancer for over 2 years. And it was a battle.  And reading these blogs, this story, just makes me cry.  Sometimes I get to laugh.  Quite often I cry.  I cry because Ty did not deserve that life.  I cry because the whole family did not deserve that life.  None of them should have had to face that and Ty should have lived healthy and normal years 3 and 4.  I cry because it so easily could be either one of my boys.  I've lost to cancer before.  We are battling cancer in this household as we speak.  But when it's a 3 year old fighting the fight, It's.  Just.  Not.  Fair.  To know it could be my babies is heartbreaking - which is heartbreaking because it's not, so why am I worrying that, ya know?  But I can't think "it can't happen to me".  Too many things that supposedly only happen to other people have happened to me.  It so easily could happen to me.  Only God knows the journey we have in store.  I hope and pray and beg and plead that these boys have a blessed and beautiful life.  Whatever crap or negative life events need to happen, please just let it happen to me.  Please, God, protect my beautifuls and let them grow up to be big and strong and do whatever they want.

Just like every mother, normal mother, anyway, wants for their child(ren).

With that, I'm going to sign off.  Can  you believe I wrote something so short?  haha.

I hope y'all are having a good week.

10/31/2012: Catching up

Happy Halloween!!!

I can not remember being so excited about Halloween since I was like 8.  I didn't think I'd ever care about this "holiday" again.  So totally was not expecting this.  All I know is I can't wait to get home to the boys tonight and get them dressed up and out and about.  They are obviously way too young for candy and trick or treating, so we're really just dressing them up and taking them to visit a few neighbors and won't be collecting any candy.  But I know they'll love the spectacle that our street becomes and I don't want to keep them cooped up in our house all evening.

Our street somehow became known as one of those streets that gives out good candy - and we're not stingy, either.  So people from neighborhoods all around drive in to wander our street.  Our street is actually a loop that wraps around a little lake.  Last year we had so many kids it was insane!  Dad's with their trucks put trailers on and bales of hay to make it like a hayride and they just drive all around the loop.  It was almost like a parade of hayrides last year.  Then tons of kids walking or being pulled in wagons.  We never have enough candy.  I think we've always been too scared to buy enough knowing what happens with what doesn't get handed out.

We aren't sure how we want to hand out candy tonight for the portion of this that we are out and about for.  I know we'll get home before trick or treating is over.  We have 4, maybe 5, neighbors we want to visit and then we'll call it a night.  But for that span we are out, the thinking is to put the bowl of candy out next to the jack o'lantern and expect people to be honorable.  Our other alternative is to put a sign up saying candy bowl is at neighbor's located in direction whatever.  I guess a third option is to leave the light off and just not hand out candy until we get home.  But that seems so unfun.

Anywho...moving on.  Yesterday I read a few blogs back.  I specifically read "Past Due" which is a blog catching everyone up on how the surgery went as well as post-op check-ups.  In reading that, I realized there's a few new catch ups to that.

So, to start with, I'm not pain free.  But I am in so much less pain than I was that it's nearly like pain free to me.  At first, when the pain started to come back, I thought, I'd just keep it to myself because I'm tired of always talking about my pain.  But as time has gone on, I'm changing my mind about that.  I'm not going to declare I'm pain free when I'm not and then never talk about what this disease is really doing to me.  Instead, I am going to declare I am not pain free but the pain is all kinds of livable at the moment.  I am also going to declare that it's different this time.  Because it is.  When I was diagnosed with endo, I had no idea what I was in store for.  I had no idea the pain that was coming or how it would progress.  I honestly thought I'd have painful cramps with my period - like I've always had - and that I'd be ok for the rest of the month.  As you know, that's not what happened.  This time, I know what's coming.  So I have a very different mindset.  VERY different.  Incredibly VERY different.  So this time, I'm going to help fight the pain with simple awareness.  A very basic idea of mind over matter, to a degree.

Now, mind over matter isn't getting me out of pain.  But...if I were to compare this to where I was post-op after my first lap for this, it's a world of difference.

For a few weeks I thought I mighta coulda moved into the pain free realm.  I completely stopped the pain meds.  I was scared to death that I had been on them so long that I was going to be physically dependent - and fortunately, I was not!  I had nearly a week with no pain meds.  No tylenol, no motrin, and definitely no narcotics.  I was thrilled!

And then the pain came back.  I tried tylenol.  Nothing.  I tried motrin.  Nothing.  I tried combos of both.  Nothing.  And  now I'm back on tramadol.  But here's the thing.  I'm allowed to take up to 8 a day.  I've not had to take 8 a day even once.  It's recommended that I take no more than 5 a day.  I've had 2 days where I've needed 5.  I've also had 2 days where I've needed none.  And most days I've been fine with between 1-2.  1-2 tramadols a day is nothing compared to what I was on before surgery.  And the difference - mind over matter.  That's what I believe.

Before surgery I wanted to be pain free.  I wanted to scream no fair.  I wanted to not be doing this.  I guess now I'm resigned.  This is meant to be my life and to fight it is to waste energy that can be better utilized in other ways.  To go with it means more energy for the things that matter - my beautifuls, my Husby.

I mentioned in that blog I refer to above that I might have relief for 6 months and it might be 2 years.  We were all hoping for 2 years.  It's looking like I'm in the camp of 6 months.  But maybe mind over matter can have a better result.

In addition to that - when I went to see my ob/gyn about getting on depo, he said fine, if that's what you want, I'll give you the prescription, you can go get it and come back and we'll give you the shot.  But.  It won't work.  He went on to say he'd never seen endo so aggressive and so fast growing.  He said what was done in that surgery was crazy intense.  You know - more like how I felt about that surgery.  Doc-specialist said something more to the effect of "it was nothing".  But then...he sees the worst of the worst.  I hadn't gotten so far along with this that I fell in that category.  So maybe I don't want to be in the 2 year camp?

Ob/gyn went on to say I need to get pregnant.  I'm not getting younger, obviously.  But add to that, my risks of miscarriage and ectopic pregnancies are now through the roof - based on what doc-specialist discovered in surgery.  The older I get, the longer I wait, the more endo that has come back - the worse those risks are. I had a D&C as part of that surgery and so with all this fresh tissue in there, I need to take advantage of that and get pregnant.  He said with Husby's cancer and my risks, we need to do this before he does the radioactive iodine so that faulty sperm aren't something we might have to contend with, too.  Husby does have the option of delaying that treatment for quite a good while.  But it's still hard to stomach - hold off cancer treatment to get pregnant.  Just seems weird.

Ob/gyn finished with - getting on depo isn't much likely to do anything for my pain.  He said my endo doesn't seem to be hormone driven but rather immune system driven.  So depo won't stop it.  Removing it for good may not even stop it.  Some women don't get relief with a hysterectomy.  I may well be one of those, now.

Going on...I went back to see pain doc eventually, too.  I caught him up on everything.  He actually is recommending against pregnancy these days.  Said if we are that adamant we want a biological child we might want to consider egg retrievals and sperm freezing and surrogates.  That maybe I should just go ahead with the hysterectomy.  His fear is that I will have pain all through a pregnancy.  And then I'm faced with the choice of whether to use meds while pregnant to deal with the pain.  I would not.  Nothing over tylenol - and I'd personally choose nothing at all!  When I told him that, that's when he said maybe a pregnancy isn't a good idea.

Husby and I talked - and we talked again - and then we talked again - and we continue to talk.  I ultimately said this:
"I am putting my trust in God.  God knows what I need, knows what I can handle.  If it's a pregnancy, then there we go.  If it's a painful pregnancy, then there we go.  If it's no pregnancy, if it's ectopic pregnancies, if it's miscarriages, whatever it is, God has a plan for me."

That might sound nuts.  But it's just as simple as this.  It's what I feel.

Through my 20's, I fought God.  I wanted to believe it was all my doing.  That I got myself where I wanted and/or needed to go.  By the end of my 20's, I was nowhere near where I thought I'd be.  I'd been through things no one should go through ever, let alone in their 20's when faced with all the turmoil of the 20's.  As my 30's have progressed, I've trusted in God more and more.  And with that developing trust is an insane peace.  God takes care of me.  He gives me what I need.  Maybe not what I want, but definitely what I need.  Maybe I'm supposed to have another set of twins.  Or a girl.  Or twin girls.  Or no more.  Only time will tell.

What Husby and I can do is put the limit on what we want to do.  In our case - how long we're willing to try.  We have 2 cycles before we find out what's going on with Husby - another surgery or not.  We see his doc 11/29 to get those answers.  We will talk to her then about putting things off for the sake of trying.  If she says no, there we go.  If she says yes, but for 6 months, no more, there we go.  We shall see.  For ourselves, we say no more than 6 months.  If we're not pregnant then - we're not going to have any more kids.

Whatever will be will be.

Resignation.

I'm not fighting the journey of endo this time.  I'm not fighting God.  I'm not fighting.  I am going to trust.  Because when I have trusted - I've "gotten" beautiful "things" like my Husby and my beautifuls.  When I have not trusted I have been raped and left alone on a planet where all we want is to be a part of a family.

Maybe it sounds nuts to you.  But to me it sounds like peace.  And it's my life - and I like peace.  So there we go.

So there's some updates for you.  I'm sure there'll be more along the way, but my focus is different now.  And maybe that's the best thing that could happen!

Happy Halloween, y'all!  Have a safe one - and for those affected by Sandy, I hope that Halloween isn't postponed for too long.

10/29/2012: Back to work....

Yep.  I'm back.  After five weeks off.  I am happy to be back.  But I am super sad to be gone from my boys.  We were well into a routine and it was nice.  Very very nice.  One year olds are hard - they are non-stop and need constant stimulation.  But they are also SOOOO SOOOO SOOOO much fun.  Especially when a good routine is in place.  My guys are talkers and movers and so ridiculously lively it's just FUN.  The daycare was VERY happy to have them back.  They say "it's boring without them".  They just brighten whatever room they are in - they are those kind of kids.  Both of them.  Not just one.  People always expect one to be the lively, outgoing, gregarious one and the other to be the shy, reserved one - but no, they are both lively, outgoing, gregarious types.  In different ways.  Which just makes it more fun.  Anywho, so this morning, there we were dropping them off.  There is another little girl in that same room that is one day younger than them.  Oh how her face lit up this morning when she saw my guys.  It was amazing.  I've never seen her face light up.  I thought she didn't much care - about anything.  But this morning, she happened to be in one of the "teacher's" arms as we walked in and she was about to jump out of those arms.  She was in an all-out-extension to reach out to my guys.  Her face lit up.  She kept looking back and forth from the one I had in my arms to the one Husby had in his arms.  We put our boys down and took their cute little leather jackets off and she had to be on the floor to show them around, too.  Green ran around to all the cribs holding sleeping babies and stood up at each one to see who was in there.  Blue went straight to playing.  And that little girl was right beside Blue yet watching Green to see what was up there, too.  The teachers throughout the building all ran in at various points, one by one, so they could thank us for bringing "their" twins back.

I know how they feel.  I love my guys.  I want them with me, too.  They do brighten the room.  No doubt about it.

Here's something impressive.  Blue did not take a nap yesterday.  We went to the zoo and he simply would not fall asleep.  Green did.  Blue wouldn't - not in the hour long car trip each way, not in the stroller wandering around, just not at all.  Too intent on people watching.  And yet, here's this one year old boy, with no nap - and who even went later than normal for dinner - and he never got cranky.  He just kept on smiling.

I guess I am starting to see why people are always befuddled that I'm constantly in pain.  Cause outwardly - I'm still pretty happy.  Husby is fighting cancer.  Yet outwardly, he's still pretty happy.  We just take our kicks and kick right back.  I always worry that people see my anguish.  But people tell me they don't.  And here are my two beautifuls...always shining.  I love it.  People tell us All.  The.  Time..."they're just like their mommy and daddy".  I want them to only have our positive personality traits and never our negatives.  Can we make that work?

Anywho.  Moving on.  Rest'll be bullets.  We'll see if I can keep 'em more conciselier than normal.  (Like my word?)

• I'm back at work today.  Turns out - work is slow now.  So I'ma have lots of time to work on my project that is the only thing standing between me and a promotion and a VERY sizable raise.  I like sizable raises.  I want one.
• Blue and Green had their one year check-ups on Fri 10/20.  They do not show any notion of having been preemies at this point.  Head size, height and weight all well above 50th percentile.  Our ped wasn't worried at their 9 month check-up because they were well into normal territory then.  But now, they are "ahead".  I'd expect that "aheadness" to pick up even more steam.  I am 5'7".  I have been 5'7" since I was 11.  I was always super tall growing up, towered over my class mates.  Always got in trouble because people thought I was older because I was so tall.  I have a cousin who is 15 right now.  He is 6'4".  He played rugby up until about two years ago and always had to be in the older age group because he was so much bigger than anyone else his age.  Husby hopes our guys get my height gene but his muscularity.  While my family is known for height - and growing fast, they are also usually pretty lanky.  Except me.  I got my mom's side's height but my dad's side's muscularity, too.  So I'm hoping that between me and Husby both having that muscularity, hopefully that'll work out well for our boys.  
• Endo news...the week following the beautifuls birthday party I was in horrible pain.  Enough so that my doc wanted me off work an additional week.  At the start of last week (i.e. one week ago today) I was in horrible pain.  By Friday, however, the pain was subsiding.  So much so, I didn't even notice.  All I noticed, really, was that instead of taking 4 pain pills each day, I was taking 1, maybe 2.  Over the weekend - one day, none.  Another day, only one.  Today...haven't needed any.  I know the beautifuls' birthday party took a lot out of me between all the prep and then the party and then the clean-up on top of guests and running like a cheetah all over heck and gone.  I also now know that additional week off really seems to have made a difference. I suspect that my doc was right, going back to work last week, as originally planned, woulda set me up for never getting control back.  I have so much control now - it's like I'm not in pain.  

WOOOHOOOO!!!!!

• We took Blue and Green to the zoo yesterday.  It was absolutely gorgeous in Houston all weekend and I wanted to be outside.  They didn't pay much attention to anything animal related, of course.  But they definitely had fun.  As we were leaving we wanted to go by the elephant exhibit.  If there was anything I'd want Blue and Green to pay attention to, it would have been the ephalants.  And they did.  Boy did they.  They ephalants were already inside their huge "barn" for the night so we saw them through huge windows.  And we saw close-up a mommy and baby combo.  Blue and Green's eyes were fixated on the ginormity.  Blue, who loves to reach out for everyone right now, was reaching out to that momma ephalant like she'd turn around and scoop him up.  It was so awesome!  I love me some ephalants.  I didn't always, either.  It wasn't until I went on my world cruise and realized how cherished they are throughout the world and started to really learn of their amazingness that I started to change my mind.  
• The leather jackets I bought the boys?  Part of three piece ensembles with jeans and long sleeved t-shirts...yeah...made completely of polyester.  They are so awesome!!  I shoulda taken pics this morning.  They are so adorable!  Especially on the boys.
• Speaking of pics, I absolutely CAN NOT wait to get them in their Halloween costumes and get pics of that.  I think y'all will love them.  I think it's funny what I am dressing them as.  I can't wait to share the "surprise".
• Ok...time to get back to work.  Get things moving.  Do stuff.  Now that I'm back here...I'll probably be blogging more.  I've found that it's really hard to blog and play with beautifuls at the same time.  :)

Have a great week, y'all!!