I've been a hot whiny mess for too damned long.
There's my intro.
Good God but last year kinda sorta really sucked, in regards to me, myself, and I. But then...it didn't. It's so weird. In reflection, it's just so weird. I'm just so baffled. I bet you want to know what the bleep I'm talking about. So here's a kinda bare all for where I am today, right now, this week, this month. And all I can say - is it feels so much better to be back to here.
To wrap up last year - I whined about endometriosis left and right. I was a horrible employee. I was an absent friend. I was a lot of not great things. The one thing - one thing - I did not slack on was being a mom. For that I can only thank God. But good Lord how awful was I last year. It's been this weird sort of evolution to wake up and realize that.
Earlier this week I was home sick with the flu. The boys got it. I got it. The boys got a flu shot this season. I did not. We all got it. Dad also got a flu shot. He did not get it. But the rest of us...we got it.
Even home sick with the flu for 4 days...I still feel a gazillion times better than I ever did last year. At least past Feb 26th.
What pain will do to ya. I tell ya. It sucks. What I knew then...sucks. What I know now? Oh God...
Feb 26th was that magical day that changed it all. I woke up with the boys at 5 am and all was fine. I still had my getting over a pregnancy stuff, which really isn't that big of a thing, but it's something, it does need to be said. No, the babies don't come out and then you're suddenly back to being you. Nothing was predictable. It's only really just starting to get back to being predictable - and the boys are now 15 months old. I'd heard time and again it takes 2 years to get back to "normal" and "normal" is probably different. And here I am...
But Feb 26th was that magical day that changed it all, just like I said. After that 5 am feeding, we all went back to bed. When we awoke again at 9 am...all badness. And it stayed badness for a very long time. In fact, it got worse. And worse. And worse. It was a nightmare, really. And when I'd think it couldn't get worse - then it would. That went on pretty much all year.
But then...in November...periodically I would have a day here or there where I didn't need anything for pain. The first day that happened was a Saturday and it was a cool night and we had a fire in our firepit and sat around with friends drinking beers after the boys went down and I realized I could have that beer because I hadn't taken any pain meds in over 30 hours. Holy cow!
I started to pay more attention. But then the pain seemed to come right back with that increased attention. And then I realized just how much mindset matters. So I changed my mind. I put the pain to the rear.
By December I was going for weeks without pain meds. Two instances a month where they help...but there is no longer that ugh feeling about this pain.
And now today...it's just different.
This week when I came back to work I got some horrible news about the possible progression of my career. But for the first time since before getting pregnant I could succinctly and articulately (and logically) argue why their thinking was flawed. And they listened and they heard and they acknowledged - and they even agreed. Holy cow.
I know why they thought what they did. They knew the pre-pregnancy me to not be the me I was all last year. They wanted to support that pre-pregnancy person, not the endometriosis fighting person.
But that sentence right there says it all. You cannot fight endometriosis. You can't. It is not a battle. It is something to accept. Acceptance changes everything. Perspective is everything. I have no idea where my battle will take me or what the end result will eventually be. But I know fighting it doesn't help me. And as I've moved from that fight back to my normal accepting self, well good golly miss molly, look who's showing back up! Yep. Me!
Part of last year was learning that I am now a bad blogger. I don't blog frequently. I don't read blogs much anymore. Only when I hear word from friends about something I should see. And I have to admit, blogging is something that has changed about me and to know I'm what I consider a bad blogger doesn't make me proud of myself. When I came back to blogging after bedrest, my heart was no longer there. And as time has gone on, I just am not seeing it coming back. This community has evolved. I have evolved. The two evolutions have diverged. I don't hate that anymore. I took it personal for a long time. I realize now, it's not personal. You get what you give, is part of that. But it's not personal. No one, well, very few, have a vendetta against me. No one wishes me pain or harm. The people I have connected with in real life - they are still there. I am soooo much better off because of this blog, both for the people I have connections with as well as for the people I once did but maybe don't anymore. I can't take this blog down. I do think there are things that people might learn from here. And more importantly, to me, my blog is aptly titled "A Journey to Embrace". Once upon a time I thought it was a journey about weightloss, about what it would take to get "there". It isn't though. It's the journey of life. And writing, even if only periodically, about my journey helps me. A lot.
My husband gave me a gift at Christmas. It's a mirror, just a little six inch square mirror. The frame around it makes it an 18 in square thing, though. And the frame says "Life isn't about learning how to avoid the storm. It's about learning how to have fun dancing in the puddles". He always says he doesn't know how I do it. How I've been through what I've been through and yet am hardly ever not smiling. He doesn't know where I find my strength or how I always manage to find beauty in even the most horrific of events. It's just perspective. And maybe I'm slow...but I do know...I will eventually find me some of that perspective stuff that just may help me get through yet another ordeal. He thinks that mirror embodies me. Not because I need to learn how to have fun dancing in puddles. But because that's what I teach everyone around me.
I tell you what. It's really really nice to have someone thinking great things about me in my corner!
2013 will be a great year. I know it will. I can just feel it. I can't say I felt that of 2012. I was honestly scared of 2012. And it revolved around having no idea if I could keep my twins alive let alone safe and thriving. I guess part of my struggle last year was working towards realizing that they know what they need and it's just on me to take care of that. As long as I listen, I can. They know when they want food, water, sleep, etc. I just need to listen and provide. Go with the flow, adapt, move on to the next thing. Listen.
It's amazing. If I listen to myself...if I listen to my husband...if I listen to my boys...if I listen to my friends...if I listen to my family...if I listen to my employer...if I listen....I can figure it out. Last year was a year of not listening well enough. And this year, I know, I'm back to listening.
So here's to turning corners and embracing my "new" thinking.
Have a wonderful weekend y'all!!
Friday, January 18, 2013
Monday, December 31, 2012
12/31/2012: Happy Christmas and Merry New Year
I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. And I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year!
We had an amazing Christmas. I didn't expect much from the boys this year, to be honest - they're just 14 months. Of course there would be no recognition. And I didn't expect presents to mean much of anything. I did expect the lights to capture them and I did expect that they'd be in awe of all the fuss.
I was right in my expectations of lights captivating them and being awed by the fuss. I was wrong about presents meaning anything. I was right about no recognition. Altogether, it was far more magical than I ever could have anticipated!
They love presents. Blue so much so that he'll open anyone's, his or otherwise. Luckily, he didn't get into opening presents until Christmas Eve and the one he chose to go after was his anyway. Just happened to be at dinner time, not at the gift exchange time. Green, on the other hand, would rather look at all the sparkle and admire it all. He loved the bows and the pretty paper and the ribbon. He just wanted to look.
One of the cutest things was the Christmas tree. We buy a live tree every year. Yes, I'm that type - the kill the living tree type. I love the scent it brings into the house. I love that they are rarely ever perfect. I love the tradition. Fake trees have no appeal to me. Yes, I'm judgy. It's my house, I can do as I please. So there we are at the garden center we usually go to picking out our tree. They always have an abundance of people to help so this guy is following us up and down the rows eager to pull trees out for us. We almost instantaneously saw a tree we liked. We pulled it out into the row we were in. Green is curious. Blue is giggling. Fun fun! We like the tree. The row is so cramped that to really get a good view of it, we need to step out into the aisle. So we do. Helper guy brings the tree out for us. I'm holding Green. Husby's holding Blue. Green is laughing and smiling until he looks over my shoulder and there's this tree walking toward him.
He immediately shifted to the other shoulder to get as far away as possible. I tell him it's ok. The tree keeps coming. Green had this weird thing he did then. He wanted to get as close as possible to me so I could protect him. But he wanted as far away from the tree as possible, too. So I turned away from the tree and took a few steps away. Green is simultaneously shrinking into me and pushing me away.
It was so cute.
Yeah, I'm that mom.
The guy puts the tree down and steps back so we can admire it in the open. Green decides it's alright and shifts back to my other side. I stepped close to let him touch it. Oh no...not touching that thing. You think you might be stronger than a 1 year old...I would grab his hand and try to make him touch the tree - but he could over-power my effort to extend his arm every time. He. WAS NOT. touching. that. tree. No way, no how.
I kept trying anyway.
Yeah, I'm that mom.
We get it paid for and the guy cuts a fresh end and loads it up for us. And we wander on home. It's hot hot hot this particular day and so we opted to leave the tree in the truck overnight instead of trying to spray it off in 85 degree weather with 100% humidity. It was just yuck outside for Christmas time. That night we got a cold front. We got up the next day and got it washed and let it dry for awhile. And it finally came in the house after the boys had gone to bed.
So the next day they get up. The tree is now standing in our house but is not decorated nor does it have lights or anything. I bring Green out of their bedroom. We walk into the hallway and he sees the tree dead ahead. He shrinks into me again. We have to pass within a few feet of it to get to the family room. He was not going to be on the side of me that was closest to the tree!
This goes on all day. Periodically I try to get him to touch it. Nope. Not gonna happen.
That afternoon, while Blue and Green were down for naps I got the lights on the tree. All 1500 of them. Oh how glorious that looked just by itself. We used to always do about 900 lights as that was all we had but it was always just shy of being just right. So this year we bought bunches of extras so that we'd have enough to just go forward figuring we'd take back what was not used. It's shocking to me that we almost doubled the lights. Nutso. But it's pretty!
So when Blue and Green got up from their naps, I couldn't wait to see what they'd think. Blue still was impressed. And Green suddenly wasn't scared anymore. He wanted to touch the tree without me even prodding him.
It only got better from there. It was the next night after work before we actually got the tree trimmed. And with every ornament that went on Green got more and more interested in it. He still doesn't like it when the lights are off. But he's not scared anymore, either. It's been an amazing evolution to watch!
As for gifts and how they handled the tree, surprisingly, they never tried to take ornaments off. And they left the gifts alone.
We had our first party with a gift exchange on the 22nd. The gifts they were given they were interested in helping us open. They were surprisingly interested. They haven't gone for boxes and paper quite like most 1 year olds would. Paper, sometimes, especially if it's tissue. But boxes? Not at all. Which surprises me. We actually bought them a box for a gift. CVS was selling these boxes in the shapes of trains and space shuttles and various things like that. Huge things and they are meant to be colored, as well. For $9. We couldn't say no, knowing that boxes should be their thing this year. But really not much interest in boxes. I know they'll love crawling into and around the train we bought them, though, once we get it set up.
By the second party with a gift exchange, they were all ready for presents. So much so, that if Blue was left on the floor to play, he'd head straight to the gifts and start working on them. Like I said above, the first one he found to work on happened to be for him. But it was much too early to be working on gifts. It was rather hilarious!
We had our little family Christmas on Christmas. And our final gift exchange on the 26th. By the 26th they were pretty much tired of opening gifts and just wanted to play with all the new stuff. And stuff they sure got.
Two gifts stand out as particularly awesome to us. One, from Grandma and Grandpa (FIL and step-MIL) is a Little People nativity scene. We'd seen it while shopping and vowed to get it for next year. It is definitely a keepsake.
The other is a book I found at Barnes and Noble while wandering the aisles looking for gifts to jump out at me for various other people. We were done shopping for the boys but when I saw this book cover, I was intrigued and ultimately couldn't not get it. It was a quick read and when I was done, I was crying. I had to get 2. Problem was, they only had 1. So I bought it and we gave it to both of the boys with the intent to get a second one ASAP and get them inscribed for the individuals they are. This book is amazing. It's cover is a bear decorating a Christmas tree, too cute. It's called "You Are My Miracle". One page from the book is "I am your parent; you are my child. I am your quiet place; you are my wild." As the book goes, it gets even better than that, but that's the whole theme. It is so sweet, to me, and so spot on. I look forward to reading this book to the boys over the years on Christmas Eve night. They same author and illustrator team did another book called "You Are My I Love You". Barnes and Noble was out when I found this Christmas book - the cover of the Christmas book has a blip about being from the same team as the book I Love You. I was instantly intrigued but haven't yet read it. I am ordering that from Amazon as well.
So that's been our Christmas. I did all my normal baking this year - English Toffee, fudge, pecan butter balls, rum/walnut balls, sugar cookies and gingerbread men. We passed out tins to all family, our cherished neighbors and friends, and many coworkers. It's always amazing to me how people clobber us for this stuff. My fear is always that people are doing what I can't deny I do - when I get a tin of store bought dough cut from a cookie press, I usually end up just tossing it. Next to homemade sugar cookies, just no appeal. I feel guilty every time, but it's just not worth the calories. It's always nice to know people have thought of us, though. As my husband and I spent nearly 4 days (2 days over a weekend and then 2 nights during the following work week) getting everything mixed up, baked, and decorated, we wondered if it's worth it. The response as we hand everything out, though, tells me that it is, that the effort isn't wasted, that the cookies and candy aren't getting tossed. We have people, as we take tins to our neighbors, open the tins as soon as we hand them over who take out cookies immediately saying "I've been waiting for these". We have people "requesting" the English toffee as most can't make it work. Two of my husband's coworkers told him my English toffee is better than anything commercial. It's amazing how many people won't even try to make it because they "just know it won't come out alright". It's 4 ingredients and so long as you get it hot enough, it'll be fine. Anyway. We have said for the past three years we were going to scale it back. But then we get these responses and we just can't seem to do it. Beyond fulfilling. People are baffled we managed it this year with twin 1 year olds running around.
Which leads to how amazingly easy our boys are. Seriously, we got beyond lucky with 2 incredibly easy babies. They sleep 10-12 hours a night and have since 2 months old. They are always smiling, always happy, and always fine with whatever you have them do, whether it's sit in a high chair, get strapped into a stroller, or have the run of the family room. They are easy, peaceful, and content. They rarely fuss and if they do, they are hungry or tired - and we always know which and tackle the problem right then. Usually we stick to enough of a routine that they never get to the fussy stage. They are incredibly friendly and sweet. They love to cuddle and play - with us, and more and more as time goes on, with each other, too. They watch each other's backs like you'd never believe. All this to say, if I want a day in the kitchen baking or cooking, they let me. They just want to be able to come in there with me and check out what I'm doing. I'm looking forward to, in a few years, having them help me with the whole Christmas cookie and candy production. I remember helping my mom with all her production as early as the age of 4. And I loved every minute of it. My aunt has her son help her with our family recipes of sugar cookies and gingerbread men, and he's loved every minute of it, too. I'm glad easy bake is going to make a more gender neutral setup, but like my mom did with me, it won't be necessary in our house, I will happily "help" them bake chocolate chip cookies with the mixer and the oven in our kitchen anytime.
Anyway, it isn't hard with my 1 year olds to do things I love to do. No, it's not as easy as it might have been 2 years ago - but I'll take this challenge any day. My life is so much better today than it was 2 years ago!
It's so crazy to think, on this last day of the year, what a year this has been. This is the first year the boys were alive from start to finish. All 365 days. Who they are today has changed so much since Jan 1! I keep thinking it can't get any better - but it does. I love motherhood. I feel like I can say that, now. On Jan 1, 2012, all I could say was I love my babies - but what did I really know about motherhood then? I changed diapers and fed them and pretty much watched them sleep. They were very alert from the day they were born, Green moreso than Blue, but both VERY alert. But today, 365 days later, it's just amazing how much they've changed over the year, how much they've grown, how much we've all seen and done together. I can't wait to see what the next 365 do for us. How much more we'll all learn, how much more we'll all explore, how much more we'll all start to do. This next year is crazy; to think about moving from cribs to toddler beds, to think about starting to potty train, to think about how much more Christmas will be next year, to think about how much more they'll swim, how much more they'll help me garden, how much more time we'll spend at playgrounds/parks. How amazing this year has been seems a pittance to what I think the next year will be like. Please God, just keep them healthy and safe.
So that is all for this year. I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year's Eve and that 2013 is amazing and beautiful for us all!
We had an amazing Christmas. I didn't expect much from the boys this year, to be honest - they're just 14 months. Of course there would be no recognition. And I didn't expect presents to mean much of anything. I did expect the lights to capture them and I did expect that they'd be in awe of all the fuss.
I was right in my expectations of lights captivating them and being awed by the fuss. I was wrong about presents meaning anything. I was right about no recognition. Altogether, it was far more magical than I ever could have anticipated!
They love presents. Blue so much so that he'll open anyone's, his or otherwise. Luckily, he didn't get into opening presents until Christmas Eve and the one he chose to go after was his anyway. Just happened to be at dinner time, not at the gift exchange time. Green, on the other hand, would rather look at all the sparkle and admire it all. He loved the bows and the pretty paper and the ribbon. He just wanted to look.
One of the cutest things was the Christmas tree. We buy a live tree every year. Yes, I'm that type - the kill the living tree type. I love the scent it brings into the house. I love that they are rarely ever perfect. I love the tradition. Fake trees have no appeal to me. Yes, I'm judgy. It's my house, I can do as I please. So there we are at the garden center we usually go to picking out our tree. They always have an abundance of people to help so this guy is following us up and down the rows eager to pull trees out for us. We almost instantaneously saw a tree we liked. We pulled it out into the row we were in. Green is curious. Blue is giggling. Fun fun! We like the tree. The row is so cramped that to really get a good view of it, we need to step out into the aisle. So we do. Helper guy brings the tree out for us. I'm holding Green. Husby's holding Blue. Green is laughing and smiling until he looks over my shoulder and there's this tree walking toward him.
He immediately shifted to the other shoulder to get as far away as possible. I tell him it's ok. The tree keeps coming. Green had this weird thing he did then. He wanted to get as close as possible to me so I could protect him. But he wanted as far away from the tree as possible, too. So I turned away from the tree and took a few steps away. Green is simultaneously shrinking into me and pushing me away.
It was so cute.
Yeah, I'm that mom.
The guy puts the tree down and steps back so we can admire it in the open. Green decides it's alright and shifts back to my other side. I stepped close to let him touch it. Oh no...not touching that thing. You think you might be stronger than a 1 year old...I would grab his hand and try to make him touch the tree - but he could over-power my effort to extend his arm every time. He. WAS NOT. touching. that. tree. No way, no how.
I kept trying anyway.
Yeah, I'm that mom.
We get it paid for and the guy cuts a fresh end and loads it up for us. And we wander on home. It's hot hot hot this particular day and so we opted to leave the tree in the truck overnight instead of trying to spray it off in 85 degree weather with 100% humidity. It was just yuck outside for Christmas time. That night we got a cold front. We got up the next day and got it washed and let it dry for awhile. And it finally came in the house after the boys had gone to bed.
So the next day they get up. The tree is now standing in our house but is not decorated nor does it have lights or anything. I bring Green out of their bedroom. We walk into the hallway and he sees the tree dead ahead. He shrinks into me again. We have to pass within a few feet of it to get to the family room. He was not going to be on the side of me that was closest to the tree!
This goes on all day. Periodically I try to get him to touch it. Nope. Not gonna happen.
That afternoon, while Blue and Green were down for naps I got the lights on the tree. All 1500 of them. Oh how glorious that looked just by itself. We used to always do about 900 lights as that was all we had but it was always just shy of being just right. So this year we bought bunches of extras so that we'd have enough to just go forward figuring we'd take back what was not used. It's shocking to me that we almost doubled the lights. Nutso. But it's pretty!
So when Blue and Green got up from their naps, I couldn't wait to see what they'd think. Blue still was impressed. And Green suddenly wasn't scared anymore. He wanted to touch the tree without me even prodding him.
It only got better from there. It was the next night after work before we actually got the tree trimmed. And with every ornament that went on Green got more and more interested in it. He still doesn't like it when the lights are off. But he's not scared anymore, either. It's been an amazing evolution to watch!
As for gifts and how they handled the tree, surprisingly, they never tried to take ornaments off. And they left the gifts alone.
We had our first party with a gift exchange on the 22nd. The gifts they were given they were interested in helping us open. They were surprisingly interested. They haven't gone for boxes and paper quite like most 1 year olds would. Paper, sometimes, especially if it's tissue. But boxes? Not at all. Which surprises me. We actually bought them a box for a gift. CVS was selling these boxes in the shapes of trains and space shuttles and various things like that. Huge things and they are meant to be colored, as well. For $9. We couldn't say no, knowing that boxes should be their thing this year. But really not much interest in boxes. I know they'll love crawling into and around the train we bought them, though, once we get it set up.
By the second party with a gift exchange, they were all ready for presents. So much so, that if Blue was left on the floor to play, he'd head straight to the gifts and start working on them. Like I said above, the first one he found to work on happened to be for him. But it was much too early to be working on gifts. It was rather hilarious!
We had our little family Christmas on Christmas. And our final gift exchange on the 26th. By the 26th they were pretty much tired of opening gifts and just wanted to play with all the new stuff. And stuff they sure got.
Two gifts stand out as particularly awesome to us. One, from Grandma and Grandpa (FIL and step-MIL) is a Little People nativity scene. We'd seen it while shopping and vowed to get it for next year. It is definitely a keepsake.
The other is a book I found at Barnes and Noble while wandering the aisles looking for gifts to jump out at me for various other people. We were done shopping for the boys but when I saw this book cover, I was intrigued and ultimately couldn't not get it. It was a quick read and when I was done, I was crying. I had to get 2. Problem was, they only had 1. So I bought it and we gave it to both of the boys with the intent to get a second one ASAP and get them inscribed for the individuals they are. This book is amazing. It's cover is a bear decorating a Christmas tree, too cute. It's called "You Are My Miracle". One page from the book is "I am your parent; you are my child. I am your quiet place; you are my wild." As the book goes, it gets even better than that, but that's the whole theme. It is so sweet, to me, and so spot on. I look forward to reading this book to the boys over the years on Christmas Eve night. They same author and illustrator team did another book called "You Are My I Love You". Barnes and Noble was out when I found this Christmas book - the cover of the Christmas book has a blip about being from the same team as the book I Love You. I was instantly intrigued but haven't yet read it. I am ordering that from Amazon as well.
So that's been our Christmas. I did all my normal baking this year - English Toffee, fudge, pecan butter balls, rum/walnut balls, sugar cookies and gingerbread men. We passed out tins to all family, our cherished neighbors and friends, and many coworkers. It's always amazing to me how people clobber us for this stuff. My fear is always that people are doing what I can't deny I do - when I get a tin of store bought dough cut from a cookie press, I usually end up just tossing it. Next to homemade sugar cookies, just no appeal. I feel guilty every time, but it's just not worth the calories. It's always nice to know people have thought of us, though. As my husband and I spent nearly 4 days (2 days over a weekend and then 2 nights during the following work week) getting everything mixed up, baked, and decorated, we wondered if it's worth it. The response as we hand everything out, though, tells me that it is, that the effort isn't wasted, that the cookies and candy aren't getting tossed. We have people, as we take tins to our neighbors, open the tins as soon as we hand them over who take out cookies immediately saying "I've been waiting for these". We have people "requesting" the English toffee as most can't make it work. Two of my husband's coworkers told him my English toffee is better than anything commercial. It's amazing how many people won't even try to make it because they "just know it won't come out alright". It's 4 ingredients and so long as you get it hot enough, it'll be fine. Anyway. We have said for the past three years we were going to scale it back. But then we get these responses and we just can't seem to do it. Beyond fulfilling. People are baffled we managed it this year with twin 1 year olds running around.
Which leads to how amazingly easy our boys are. Seriously, we got beyond lucky with 2 incredibly easy babies. They sleep 10-12 hours a night and have since 2 months old. They are always smiling, always happy, and always fine with whatever you have them do, whether it's sit in a high chair, get strapped into a stroller, or have the run of the family room. They are easy, peaceful, and content. They rarely fuss and if they do, they are hungry or tired - and we always know which and tackle the problem right then. Usually we stick to enough of a routine that they never get to the fussy stage. They are incredibly friendly and sweet. They love to cuddle and play - with us, and more and more as time goes on, with each other, too. They watch each other's backs like you'd never believe. All this to say, if I want a day in the kitchen baking or cooking, they let me. They just want to be able to come in there with me and check out what I'm doing. I'm looking forward to, in a few years, having them help me with the whole Christmas cookie and candy production. I remember helping my mom with all her production as early as the age of 4. And I loved every minute of it. My aunt has her son help her with our family recipes of sugar cookies and gingerbread men, and he's loved every minute of it, too. I'm glad easy bake is going to make a more gender neutral setup, but like my mom did with me, it won't be necessary in our house, I will happily "help" them bake chocolate chip cookies with the mixer and the oven in our kitchen anytime.
Anyway, it isn't hard with my 1 year olds to do things I love to do. No, it's not as easy as it might have been 2 years ago - but I'll take this challenge any day. My life is so much better today than it was 2 years ago!
It's so crazy to think, on this last day of the year, what a year this has been. This is the first year the boys were alive from start to finish. All 365 days. Who they are today has changed so much since Jan 1! I keep thinking it can't get any better - but it does. I love motherhood. I feel like I can say that, now. On Jan 1, 2012, all I could say was I love my babies - but what did I really know about motherhood then? I changed diapers and fed them and pretty much watched them sleep. They were very alert from the day they were born, Green moreso than Blue, but both VERY alert. But today, 365 days later, it's just amazing how much they've changed over the year, how much they've grown, how much we've all seen and done together. I can't wait to see what the next 365 do for us. How much more we'll all learn, how much more we'll all explore, how much more we'll all start to do. This next year is crazy; to think about moving from cribs to toddler beds, to think about starting to potty train, to think about how much more Christmas will be next year, to think about how much more they'll swim, how much more they'll help me garden, how much more time we'll spend at playgrounds/parks. How amazing this year has been seems a pittance to what I think the next year will be like. Please God, just keep them healthy and safe.
So that is all for this year. I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year's Eve and that 2013 is amazing and beautiful for us all!
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
12/12/2012: Not gone, not forgotten
I know some would like to see me really be gone. Others could care less. And fewer still actually might be happy to see a blog come across from me. Luckily for me, I blog for myself. So, here I am. It's been a month since I last blogged and that seems crazy. The good news is, there just isn't much to ramble about. Nothing's changed. Husby still has cancer. I still have endometriosis. And my beautifuls are more beautiful - and fun - than they've ever been before.
The boys really are awesome. And I say that in a completely 100% biased mom sort of way. They are just so much fun! I have to admit that I was a little scared of this stage. The stage where they start walking and talking and truly getting into everything. Would I be enough? Could I entertain them enough? Could I keep them safe enough? Could I keep them fed enough? Could I keep them warm enough on cold days and cool enough on warm days? Just enough - could I be enough? Well....my fears seem to have no basis in reality. They love me more than ever. They love Husby more than ever, too. We want to be with them all the time - and they want to be with us all the time. They are constantly excited about seeing what we will say or do next. Turns out - we are enough. In fact, we are more than enough. We are exactly what they want.
What a beautiful feeling that is. To be what your baby boys "want".
It is just. So. Much. Fun. I am eager to get up every morning to see what we're going to get into next. I am way too eager to get home from work to see what's in store that evening. I am just eager to be with them.
They love their daycare. That is the one thing that makes being a working mom not so hard to take. Yes, I would rather be a SAHM. I would rather be with them all the time. But they need more than me. They really do. They thrive on having multiple people involved with them day in and day out. They, like their mom and dad, love having access to multiple people. They love the various personalities. They love that some people are more fun and some people are sweeter. They love the variation. They love the different toys and the different things they do at daycare vs. at home. They are all too happy to stay home with me when I'm off work. But they are incredibly thrilled when we pull in the daycare parking lot. When we start to get them out of their carseats every morning they are wiggling so much to get out of those seats and into their "classroom". There is just a level of extra they get from daycare that they don't get with just me. And they know the difference and like it. It's a pretty amazing thing to see.
So...since my blog is less about weightloss these days and more about the fun of parenting twins...I think I'm going to change directions with it. Not much sure how yet. Whether I'll take this one down and start all over or whether I'll let this one morph into something new. I do know that my journey to embrace is about far more than life as a bandster. I've alienated some by talking about my beautifuls so I guess before I alienate more I need to say, this is what my blog is now. If you don't like it, I'm not begging you to stay. If you don't like me, I'm not asking you to start. This is who I am, this is my life, and I will not feel guilty for it or be made to feel out of place for wanting this life that I have these days.
So who knows. Just don't be surprised if this vanishes one day or if my history disappears. It would be nice to share this with my family but I don't want to share my bandster life with them in the way that I have blogged in the past. So, like I said, who knows what I am going to do. All I know is change is imminent. Now isn't that life?
The boys really are awesome. And I say that in a completely 100% biased mom sort of way. They are just so much fun! I have to admit that I was a little scared of this stage. The stage where they start walking and talking and truly getting into everything. Would I be enough? Could I entertain them enough? Could I keep them safe enough? Could I keep them fed enough? Could I keep them warm enough on cold days and cool enough on warm days? Just enough - could I be enough? Well....my fears seem to have no basis in reality. They love me more than ever. They love Husby more than ever, too. We want to be with them all the time - and they want to be with us all the time. They are constantly excited about seeing what we will say or do next. Turns out - we are enough. In fact, we are more than enough. We are exactly what they want.
What a beautiful feeling that is. To be what your baby boys "want".
It is just. So. Much. Fun. I am eager to get up every morning to see what we're going to get into next. I am way too eager to get home from work to see what's in store that evening. I am just eager to be with them.
They love their daycare. That is the one thing that makes being a working mom not so hard to take. Yes, I would rather be a SAHM. I would rather be with them all the time. But they need more than me. They really do. They thrive on having multiple people involved with them day in and day out. They, like their mom and dad, love having access to multiple people. They love the various personalities. They love that some people are more fun and some people are sweeter. They love the variation. They love the different toys and the different things they do at daycare vs. at home. They are all too happy to stay home with me when I'm off work. But they are incredibly thrilled when we pull in the daycare parking lot. When we start to get them out of their carseats every morning they are wiggling so much to get out of those seats and into their "classroom". There is just a level of extra they get from daycare that they don't get with just me. And they know the difference and like it. It's a pretty amazing thing to see.
So...since my blog is less about weightloss these days and more about the fun of parenting twins...I think I'm going to change directions with it. Not much sure how yet. Whether I'll take this one down and start all over or whether I'll let this one morph into something new. I do know that my journey to embrace is about far more than life as a bandster. I've alienated some by talking about my beautifuls so I guess before I alienate more I need to say, this is what my blog is now. If you don't like it, I'm not begging you to stay. If you don't like me, I'm not asking you to start. This is who I am, this is my life, and I will not feel guilty for it or be made to feel out of place for wanting this life that I have these days.
So who knows. Just don't be surprised if this vanishes one day or if my history disappears. It would be nice to share this with my family but I don't want to share my bandster life with them in the way that I have blogged in the past. So, like I said, who knows what I am going to do. All I know is change is imminent. Now isn't that life?
Thursday, November 15, 2012
11/15/2012: Nothing doing
I've been quiet. I don't really know why. It's not that I have nothing to say. I guess, though, what I have to say has already been said. Endometriosis sucks. The surgery I had in September appears to have done next to nothing to give me relief. I can't say nothing, but it sure is next to nothing. I'm still living in pain. Apparently this is my life. Sadly, I have no idea what to do next. What else can I say?
That's all I'll say about that.
Here's something for your viewing pleasure.
I just love that picture. So happy. They are so amazingly perfect. They are so much fun and that's starting to mean more and more every day! They are so close to walking. It's so cute to see them working through this process of learning to walk. They've both taken multiple steps and then when they realize that's what they are doing, they promptly sit down and laugh. It's so cute! We'll catch them standing up without holding onto anything and then just start doing squats. Yes, down and up, down and up. Not just down. If they can do that, surely they can walk. It almost seems like it's an active decision not to at this point.
They've technically moved up to the next room in daycare. I say technically because they still actually spend the majority of their time in the infant room. But we are now paying the toddler room price. It's hilarious - the teacher in the infant room and the teacher in the toddler room are very actively arguing over who gets them. The infant room teacher doesn't want to lose them. She says they are the only reason she laughs all day long. The toddler room teacher is eager to get them in her room. She says they are always into something and all the kids are always wondering what's going on next door. The toddler room and infant room are divided by a half wall so they can pass kids back and forth to make the transition easier. In the infant room they have cribs but in the toddler room they get cots. So naptime alone can be a major transition.
Anywho. Want more pics? K. Here goes.
I love these baby boys so much. A little while back I came across a blog about a little boy named SuperTy. He was fighting cancer, a particularly rare and aggressive form of brain cancer. I posted a blog of my own to share the family's blog and have been following them ever since. SuperTy died in October. On my boys' birthday. I'm home right now through the rest of the week because of my fun-filled battle with endo. To pass the time, I'm going back and reading that blog from the start. SuperTy battled cancer for over 2 years. And it was a battle. And reading these blogs, this story, just makes me cry. Sometimes I get to laugh. Quite often I cry. I cry because Ty did not deserve that life. I cry because the whole family did not deserve that life. None of them should have had to face that and Ty should have lived healthy and normal years 3 and 4. I cry because it so easily could be either one of my boys. I've lost to cancer before. We are battling cancer in this household as we speak. But when it's a 3 year old fighting the fight, It's. Just. Not. Fair. To know it could be my babies is heartbreaking - which is heartbreaking because it's not, so why am I worrying that, ya know? But I can't think "it can't happen to me". Too many things that supposedly only happen to other people have happened to me. It so easily could happen to me. Only God knows the journey we have in store. I hope and pray and beg and plead that these boys have a blessed and beautiful life. Whatever crap or negative life events need to happen, please just let it happen to me. Please, God, protect my beautifuls and let them grow up to be big and strong and do whatever they want.
Just like every mother, normal mother, anyway, wants for their child(ren).
With that, I'm going to sign off. Can you believe I wrote something so short? haha.
I hope y'all are having a good week.
That's all I'll say about that.
Here's something for your viewing pleasure.
I just love that picture. So happy. They are so amazingly perfect. They are so much fun and that's starting to mean more and more every day! They are so close to walking. It's so cute to see them working through this process of learning to walk. They've both taken multiple steps and then when they realize that's what they are doing, they promptly sit down and laugh. It's so cute! We'll catch them standing up without holding onto anything and then just start doing squats. Yes, down and up, down and up. Not just down. If they can do that, surely they can walk. It almost seems like it's an active decision not to at this point.
They've technically moved up to the next room in daycare. I say technically because they still actually spend the majority of their time in the infant room. But we are now paying the toddler room price. It's hilarious - the teacher in the infant room and the teacher in the toddler room are very actively arguing over who gets them. The infant room teacher doesn't want to lose them. She says they are the only reason she laughs all day long. The toddler room teacher is eager to get them in her room. She says they are always into something and all the kids are always wondering what's going on next door. The toddler room and infant room are divided by a half wall so they can pass kids back and forth to make the transition easier. In the infant room they have cribs but in the toddler room they get cots. So naptime alone can be a major transition.
Anywho. Want more pics? K. Here goes.
I love these baby boys so much. A little while back I came across a blog about a little boy named SuperTy. He was fighting cancer, a particularly rare and aggressive form of brain cancer. I posted a blog of my own to share the family's blog and have been following them ever since. SuperTy died in October. On my boys' birthday. I'm home right now through the rest of the week because of my fun-filled battle with endo. To pass the time, I'm going back and reading that blog from the start. SuperTy battled cancer for over 2 years. And it was a battle. And reading these blogs, this story, just makes me cry. Sometimes I get to laugh. Quite often I cry. I cry because Ty did not deserve that life. I cry because the whole family did not deserve that life. None of them should have had to face that and Ty should have lived healthy and normal years 3 and 4. I cry because it so easily could be either one of my boys. I've lost to cancer before. We are battling cancer in this household as we speak. But when it's a 3 year old fighting the fight, It's. Just. Not. Fair. To know it could be my babies is heartbreaking - which is heartbreaking because it's not, so why am I worrying that, ya know? But I can't think "it can't happen to me". Too many things that supposedly only happen to other people have happened to me. It so easily could happen to me. Only God knows the journey we have in store. I hope and pray and beg and plead that these boys have a blessed and beautiful life. Whatever crap or negative life events need to happen, please just let it happen to me. Please, God, protect my beautifuls and let them grow up to be big and strong and do whatever they want.
Just like every mother, normal mother, anyway, wants for their child(ren).
With that, I'm going to sign off. Can you believe I wrote something so short? haha.
I hope y'all are having a good week.
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