11/16/10: Blogging

I just feel the need to type today and so this blog is probably going to be all over the place and about all kinds of things and maybe not the cheeriest of blogs, either.

So a bit of an update for y'all.  I had the D&C on Friday and was in and out with no problems.  Why is it so hard to find information on what to expect with a D&C?  I guess every woman's body reacts/behaves differently...and I sure have not been a "textbook case".  Friday I had cramping when I woke up but for the majority of the day, nothing.  I was groggy from the anesthesia but I was not in pain.  Nor was I bleeding, really, just very minor spotting.  Saturday, even less of the "very minor spotting" and if you'd asked me if I was feeling cramps, I would have said yes, but little did I know, I really wasn't.  Not compared to what was to come.  Sunday it was more of the same.

They gave me a prescription for methergine which is supposed to help stop the bleeding and, more importantly, help the uterus contract.  It can cause cramping.  So they gave me a prescription for vicodin to take along with it to help deal with the cramps they were sure were going to be there.

I was given 9 pills to take which took me through mid-day on Sunday.  And like I said, through the time I was taking that, if you'd asked me if I was having cramps, I would have said yes.

But...I'm thinking now...I barely barely barely was experiencing anything.

The spotting was completely over with on Sunday and the vicodin was so not needed.

Eight hours after taking the last methergine...that was when the cramps kicked in.  Bad.  I could not fall asleep Sunday night because of them.  And no amount of vicodin was helping.  In seeking relief I wound up taking 6 pills in the span of 4 hours and there was no help at all.

My poor husband....somehow, for some reason, his snoring was bad Sunday night.  He normally is not a snorer, usually it's more of a heavy breathing with very minimal nasal rattling.  Normally his breathing is actually a source of comfort to me.  Honestly.  But Sunday night...he was snoring.  Somewhere around 2am (after going to bed at 11pm) I was finally starting to dose off and just as I'd dose into something that might be real sleep, SNORT.  Finally, around 3am, in total exasperation because the pain was bothering me (to put it mildly) and because I was exhausted, I sighed an exasperated "Fred".  It came out louder and angrier than I ever intended it to - I was not angry with my husband at all and anger was not a factor in my exasperation, but that was what he heard.  He woke up and proceeded to keep himself awake for the rest of the night so that he wouldn't wake me back up.  He knew the cramps were bad but he didn't know I'd taken as many vicodin as I had looking for relief.

So yesterday, he woke up content to stay home with me to take care of me.  The high levels of vicodin were starting to work for me and I managed to finally get some sleep.  I called my Dr.'s office yesterday morning to tell what was going on as well as to see if I could get a sense for what normal is in the post-D&C process.

I also started to bleed "again" yesterday which is funny because all I'd ever really done was spot.  They decided that these are complications and who knows why but while it's all ok, nothing is wrong, per se, I am now on bed rest until Thurs.  I was concerned with having to take so many vicodin but I was assured, they won't kill me and keeping ahead of the cramps is important, so just take the pills. 

I find it interesting...for most women, methergine causes cramps and discomfort.  For me, it worked maybe a little too well.  Who knows what the experience would have been like without the little tiny pills at all.  I'm guessing with the cramps I am experiencing now...I don't want to know!  In doing some research Sunday night while unable to sleep and wondering how worried I needed to be, I came across a few things that said that methergine can cause the cervix to completely slam shut so that when the pills are stopped, and relaxing happens, it can seem bad. 

It's interesting to me sitting here stuck with cramps that are relentless....I just want to get on with life.  Ya know?  I want to feel better/normal and be not laying down or sitting around.  I want to not have this constant physical reminder of what was lost and what is not happening anymore.  It's irony to me that not only can I not have what I want, but I also have to be in pain and uncomfortable and limited in my activities. 

The grief that goes along with this is strange, too.  I once heard that the level of grief you experience after a loss is directly tied to how much your life changes after the loss.  And, in my experience, that's true.  When I lost my mom, that was pretty devastating.  I lost my mom and my best friend, my travel buddy and my favorite shopping friend.  I lost my greatest chearleader and supporter, my greatest pick-me-upper and laugh-beside- me person.  I lost so much.  My life changed drastically on the other side of that loss.  When it's someone you live with, spend your days and moments, special and mundane, with, it's a lot worse than when it's someone you see once a month.  Anywho, all this to say, that losing my mom, and then my dad and then my step-dad, those were all losses that were hard because my life did change a lot with each loss.  And there's so much more than what I'm talking about here, too.

This loss is so very different.  My life isn't different on the other side of the loss than it was before the loss.  I still wake up with the same people in my house that I did prior to this.  We still eat our meals together, commute together (hopefully soon), talk, relax, cook, exercise, etc. together.  Our habits, our lives, our routine - it's all still the same.  What was lost isn't/doesn't change my life.  I had to walk away from hopes and dreams and desires and wishes.  I had to stop thinking about the could-be's and what-if's and go back to the certain and real.

It's just so very bizarre.  I'm grieving because I lost something I never had. 

It's just so strange.

I think the funnies things I am experiencing are things like when a commercial comes on with a baby in it or about some baby toy that you must have, or about some baby food you must give your baby...I don't want to see it.  I can't believe the amount of commercials there are that are either for babies, about babies or have babies as the stars.  I can't change the channel to something else because the same commercials are there, too.  So I just look away, tune out, even just try to pretend like it's all ok.

I have heard statistics all over the place about this.  It ranges from 25% all the way up to 40% of pregnancies result in miscarriage.  That's insane.

My chances of a miscarriage when we try again are not higher because this pregnancy resulted this way.

That's good.

Our doctor told us something Friday morning just before the procedure that really made my husband and I feel like we'll be ok.  It was very comforting to hear and we both come back to this rather often when we need a pick-me-up.  Our doctor said he is very confident we'll get pregnant again and quickly because 1) we got pregnant on our own with no help and rather quickly after starting to try and 2) because my uterus "is absolutely perfect and my ovaries looked healthy and ideal".  I didn't realize when he did the last sonogram last week that the first part of what he was doing was confirming that the pregnancy was over and then he continued on to look at my uterus and ovaries closely to make sure things were ok.

News like that is one of those things...he didn't have to say anything - we weren't asking.  So to make that statement voluntarily as a part of the conversation we were having...just makes it that much more comforting to us.

We are funny.  We know that we have to wait until I have two normal periods, wait until the second normal cycle, basically, to start trying again.  We don't want a baby to be born in December, though, so we are not going to start trying again as soon as we can.  It could potentially be April before we start trying again.  We'll have to see how long it takes me to "get back to normal" really.

I hate cramps.  I have always hated cramps and I have always gotten particularly painful cramps.  Sadly, now these painful, awful, sometimes debilitating cramps are also going to be a reminder...

Not much else going on with me.  Drazil's guest blog for me was beautiful and I love that she wrote it for me.  I loved every single one of the comments and private emails I received, too.  I love the support of this community.

Something else that ties to all of this is my weight.  In nearly ten weeks of pregnancy I did not gain a single pound.  Since last Friday I have gained four but 1) I'm not even remotely worried about it and 2) I believe some of it is water retention because of the fluids given during the D&C and just the natural course of my body cleaning itself out.  I am not allowed to exercise or anything - not even walk - for the rest of this week.

I guess it's a lie to say I didn't gain anything in nearly ten weeks of pregnacy.  I actually lost two - without even remotely trying.  In fact, I'd say I was pretty much trying not to.  So, in effect, I am up two - and again, so totally not even remotely worried about it.

So that means I am at 204.  4 pounds from onderland.  I haven't been in the ones since 2004.  As I wait for my body to get back to normal (after I'm cleared next week to get back to my normal exercise routine) I want to go to work on my weightloss again.  My husband actually said he wants us to use this time for a personal (couple) challenge.  So I'm thinking about what I'm going to say I want to be at/do before we start trying again.  We looked at a calendar and if my body can get back to normal like the average woman does, then we will be ready to start trying again in February.  We looked at due dates for Feb conception and those work for us but then we'd take March off and go back to trying in April.  Anywho, I think I want to say I want to be in the 180's by February.  And 170's by April.

163 is the upper end of my target range.  It seems so far...but...onederland seems farther right now.

Have I ever told you before that I actually lose weight easily over the holidays?  Historically, I've always lost weight over the holidays and I always do it without trying.  And by without trying I mean I am eating all the cookies and candies that I make all along the way.  I am really looking forward to the holidays.  We will have a full house for Thanksgiving and while Christmas is up in the air - Are we home, are we traveling?  Are we with my family or with my hubbie's? - I know I am already getting the Christmas bug/spirit and I just can't wait.

I guess this is enough ramble for today.  For once, I'm not even going to reread it to check for typos (which always get through anyway) nor am I going to check for how it flows or readability.  It just is what it is.  Lots of random thoughts, some which tie together, some which don't.