08/07/2012: So tired

• I cannot believe how tired I am.  I mean, the past couple of days, it's all I can do to keep my eyes open.  Sitting at my desk at work I'll suddenly realize I'm asleep as I startle myself awake due to my head falling.  Driving to and from work - Husby driving, not me - he'll be talking to me.  I'll be interested in what he's saying - but I still fall asleep anyway.  It's so bizarre.
• I know pain is exhausting but this is just so weird.  I cannot stay awake for the life of me.  This really sucks.

• I had the cutest thing happen this morning.  So Blue holds his own bottle.  Sometimes it's a battle of wills - I really want to care for him so I'll try to be the bottle holder.  But he's adamant that he can take care of himself, dangit.  Green, on the other hand, will not hold his own bottle.  He absolutely wants to be taken care of at all times.  So this morning, Husby had already seen to getting Blue and Green up and dressed.  He had them out in the living room and Blue had "eaten" as much as he wanted and had moved onto playing.  Green apparently didn't want Daddy to feed him, so he just let all the formula pool up in his mouth and then would spit it out every once in awhile.  So Daddy moved onto making our smoothies.  When I came out, Husby asked me to see if Green would eat more.  So I got Green onto the couch on a boppy pillow and held his bottle for him.  He drank and drank and drank.  Right about now Green is such a momma's boy.  Not too long ago, Green was the independent one and Blue was the momma's boy.  It's so funny/cute/interesting how quickly it changes.  But, like I said, Green is a momma's boy right now.  So there I am holding his bottle for him as he drinks and drinks and drinks.  He decided he wanted a break from drinking so he pushed the bottle away.  He then sits himself up and from there, grabs onto my shoulder and pulls himself to a stand.  Once standing, he then threw his arms around me for a great big ol hug.  I had no choice but to actually pick him up, of course, and he just nuzzled his little head into my shoulder.  He stayed like that for a few seconds then leaned back.  Once he had eye contact, he just smiled this perfect adorable smile.  Then he put his head back down for a little while longer.  After a couple minutes of that, he leaned back away from me so that he was basically putting himself back on his boppy and he then wanted more of his formula.  It was so incredibly sweet and special!
• These are the things that help me the most right now!

• Husby was supposed to do his radioactive iodine treatment at the end of last week.  That would have been the exclamation point to finish his treatment.  Thyroid cancer is "the best cancer to get, if you have to get cancer".  We hear that sentence, word for word, from just about every doctor we see.  It's because they can give you radioactive iodine (I-131).  Thyroid cells are the only cells in the body that use iodine.  So when thyroid cells take up I-131, they ultimately commit suicide and wah-lah, cancer cells be gone.  But it didn't happen.
• About two weeks ago he had an appt with his oncological endocrinologist.  She reviewed lab results with him.  One result that should have been next to nil was actually around 50 and that was causing a bit of concern.  So they had him go in about a week and a half ago for an ultrasound.  During the ultrasound they did find some tissue that was questionable in the area where the thyroid used to be.  So they biopsied it.  It turned out to not be cancerous so that was good news.
• He was supposed to get the I-131 treatment last thurs.  Prior to that, on Weds, they wanted to repeat bloodwork and do another type of image - an iodine uptake scan.  They use a less radioactive iodine for that and see where it accumulates.  It would be the baseline for determining if the I-131 treatment was effective.  He went in Weds to get that pill and give his blood.  Then back Thurs for the scan as they allow the iodine to do what it's going to do for 24 hours before seeing where it went with a gamma scanner.  Leaving the scan, everyone was happy with the results.  However, we then went to meet with his oncological endocrinologist.  And she said "No I-131 for you."
• There's too much tissue left in his thyroid bed.  The amount of tissue that is still there would take up most all of the I-131 and that really should be used up by the remnant cancer cells, not normal thyroid tissue.  So he'll have to have another surgery.  They need to wait about three more months to let everything really heal from his first surgery.  Following that second surgery, then they'll do the I-131.

• And now Husby has the staph infection I had a couple weeks ago.  Still waiting on the culture to come back to see if it's MRSA or not, but it probably is.
• Sigh.

• We both seem to be in this ridiculous hurry up and wait phase.  I am so scared that nothing will happen with me.  I am so scared that I'm going to be told to "just deal with it".  I hate that I have to wait 6 more weeks to find out whatever it is that I'm going to find out.

• Tomorrow is my birthday.  I don't want to do anything at all.  I just want to sleep.

• In final news, I had to replace the one pair of jeans that I had that actually fit as they developed a hole in the inside thigh.  The new jeans = the largest size I've ever had to purchase.  I am bigger now than I was at my absolute heaviest weight prior to getting the lap-band.  It's so weird to weigh less than I did at my heaviest but be bigger.  Various docs/rnp's/pa's have been commenting lately how rigid my belly is - and they then explain that's a result of swelling and inflammation.  My poor body.  I've actually started to lose weight, oddly, since getting that emergency unfill last week.  I'm losing weight and yet my body is still growing.  These endometrial tumors are such a nuisance in addition to being incredibly painful.

• I guess this is all for now.  I need sleep...I've been awake for twenty minutes now and that seems/feels like far too long...